Tag Archives: satire

Monday, September 04, 2017 – My Monday After College Football Awards.

Monday, September 04, 2017 – My Monday After College Football Awards.

Let’s begin. Every NCAA Division I team receives a Poopy Undies Award. It was definitely a Jalapeno by Morning for many.

As predicted the Ugliest Uniform goes to Maryland. Argyle patterns only look good on socks, sweaters and court jesters.

The Charlie Brown Award for Worse Kick goes to the punter of Wyoming for missing the entire ball.

The Hangover Award goes to the Texas Longhorns, the Baylor Bears and the Texas Aggies. Like the movie, we all woke up and wondered “what the hell happened last night?”

All three schools are also recipients of The Hoover Award because you sucked! Throw in the Big Disappointment Award.

It is a tie for The Most Inauspicious Coaching Debut – Texas’ Tom Herman and Baylor’s Matt Rhule. I somehow doubt the alumni from each school were comforted by the announcers of both games saying “this is a good teaching moment for …” for Herman and Rhule. I am pretty sure they were expecting winning moments rather than teaching moments. I think teaching moments are called practice.

I am awarding the UCLA quarterback, Josh Rosen, The Timex Award. He took a licking, but kept on ticking.

The Clock is Ticking Award goes to Texas A&M Head Coach, Kevin Sumlin.

The Aloe Award goes to the entire Texas A&M Coaching Staff and especially the Defense. You got burned!

And the Still Number One Award goes to Alabama. Roll Tide! To Nick Saban: Do you have any assistants who want to move up to a head coaching position? I imagine there will be an opening after the Tide visits College Station if not sooner. I hear Coach Sumlin’s house has a pool.

I am giving up football. I am going to follow curling and synchronized swimming instead.

Thursday, August 10, 2017 – Fire and Fury and The Merry Little Minuet

Thursday, August 10, 2017 – Fire and Fury and The Merry Little Minuet

“For man’s been endowed with a mushroom shaped cloud…”

I am a Baby Boomer – One of those people whose birth falls between 1945 and 1950. We are the first generation to live under the threat of nuclear annihilation and the balancing act of nuclear proliferation.

In 1960 Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev banged his shoe on the podium at The United Nations and screamed “We will bury you.” I was eleven years old and I was scared.

1962 –United States’ President John F. Kennedy and Soviet leader, Khrushchev take us to the brink of nuclear war over the missiles in Cuba. I was thirteen years old and scared.

1967 – My friends went to Vietnam. I was eighteen years old and scared.

1968 – We, the People, said enough of oppressions and there riots in the streets across America. I was nineteen and scared.

1968 – I voted for the first time in the U S Presidential election. I never voted that way again. I got scared.

2017 – Today the POTUS tweets threats of nuclear war to North Korea at 3:00 AM. I am sixty-eight years old and I am not scared to say it, “Get this idiot impeached and removed.” Repeal and replace this disaster. If not …

“For we know for certain that some lovely day, someone will set the spark off and we will all be blown away.”

The Kingston Trio singing Tom Lehrer’s The Merry Little Minuet.

https://youtu.be/CGsY4vBYdYM

 

 

Friday, July 21, 2017 – Snarky Friday and Hotty Toddy Escort my Body Out of Here.

Friday, July 21, 2017 – Snarky Friday and Hotty Toddy Escort my Body Out of Here.

Apparently Texas A&M’s Kevin Sumlin did not have the hottest coach’s seat in the SEC. Wow, coming straight out of a William Faulkner novel the Hugh Freeze, Head Coach of The University of Mississippi (Ole Miss) resigned suddenly after displaying “a pattern of personal misconduct.” I have not consulted the Urban Dictionary, but I think that is code for “bring on the hookers.”

I understand Ken Starr might be available to represent Coach Freeze. Mr. Starr has vast experience with sex scandals. Rick Pitino (Louisville) may be able to recommend legal counsel. Given the lawyer rats jumping ship from The White House, I am sure a football sex scandal would seem like a piece of cake to any one of them. So we shall let the lawyers take over.

As for the coaching situation, I am sure any coach would want to assume the responsibilities of an NCAA program on probation and now saddled with a sex scandal just at the onset of the football season. How do you think Art Briles would look in Rebel blue and red? Charlie Strong? Whaaat?

https://www.cbssports.com/college-football/news/ole-miss-coach-hugh-freeze-resigns-amid-explosive-new-information/

Onward down the football field. I was reading Olin Buchanan’s excellent article this morning – Same Song: Aggies Deaf to Herman’s Plea to Renew Rivalry.

https://texags.com/t/3116/olin-buchanan

Here’s what I’m thinking. Coach Herman, I am not in MENSA like you are, but I do know my history. You should probably study some of it too. May I recommend The 100 Year Decision, by R. Bowen Loftin?

Mr. Buchanan in his article so noted, as does Dr. Bowen, it was not the Aggies decision to cancel the series. It was DeLoss Dodds’ decision to punish the Aggies financially.

There are theorists who theorize an alternate version of Justin Tucker’s game winning, time running out, suck the life out of you, field goal victory over the Aggies. The outcome of everything might have been different had the kick not been good.

But alas, Coach Herman. The Aggies left the Big 12 Conference to join the Southeastern Conference. In the SEC, and an 8 and 5 season will out do a 5-7 season any day of the week. The North Carolina women’s basketball team can beat the Kanas football team.

But Coach Herman, you do have that Longhorn Network – the one you do not share with any of the others in the conference? The one that shows old footage of past glory? That one. Not to be confused with the SEC Network (and there is also an alternate network on really good sports’ days). Not only does it share it profits with its member schools, it has much better programming because of the National Championships won by the SEC schools. Check it out, Coach.

But yes, my Class of ’85 ears are deaf to a rivalry between Texas A&M and THE University of Texas. LSU and Alabama and even poor Ole Miss are way more fun than you, Bevo and Boys. But I hear Manhattan, Kansas and Ames Iowa and even Waco, Texas are nice during the winter.

Here’s to Coach Herman: Hullaballoo Keneck Ken NO! Not interested.

BTHO

Wednesday, July 19, 2017 – Pack Up the Babies and Grab the Old Ladies; That’s Right, You’re Not from Texas

Wednesday, July 19, 2017 – Pack Up the Babies and Grab the Old Ladies; That’s Right, You’re Not from Texas

That’s right, you’re not from Texas, but Texas wants you anyway. Even though Lyle Lovett’s song suggests Texas wants you, we really do not. We have plenty of crazy people that already live here. Like most Southerners, we like crazy people and even enjoy sitting on the front porch and sharing a cocktail with them. In Texas we like crazy people so much we elect them to high level government positions.

This week in our great state capital, Austin, many of the crazy people once again congregate under the Dome of Decisions in a Special Session called by the Governor of Texas. One of the most pressing issues and urgent issues is to help us sort out where to void our bladders in public places associated with educational institutions. This is known as The Bathroom Bill or Senate Bill 6. So, paraphrasing the great Neil Diamond “Pack up the babies and grab the old ladies, cause everyone knows it’s Brother Dan’s Show.”

The entire Texas legislature seems to be obsessed with human body functions, like abortion, sex of any kind (yes, last session they passed a no sex with animals bill), homosexuality, transgendered people and where people poop and pee and shower and change clothes (locker rooms). And for some reason they think they can control these bodily functions legislatively.

The lieutenant Governor of Texas, Dan Patrick, aka Saint Evangelical, seems to be overly obsessed with where individuals go to the bathroom. So much he is apparently ready to fall on the proverbial sword to push this through the Texas Legislature.

Here’s what I’m thinking. What if educational institutions selected a strategically located facility in the building, and put a new sign on the door designating it

The I. P. Freely Bathroom sponsored by Saint Evangelical.

A cost savings suggestion is, just write it on the wall next to the facility. I think that is where the handwriting is. Besides, think how much money public schools could have to focus on teaching and learning rather than peeing and pooping.

“I see a bad moon rising…” Creedence Clearwater Revival. Photo by me. Looking out my backyard – also by CCR.

Keep your voter registration card current and your Texas photo voter ID too.

http://thehill.com/homenews/state-watch/342556-bathroom-bill-opens-deep-rift-in-texas-gop

Thursday, July 6, 2017 – Lazy, Hazy, Crazy Days of Summer and G-20

Thursday, July 6, 2017 – Lazy, Hazy, Crazy Days of Summer and G-20

Here’s What I’m Thinking. Get your history hat on.

The POTUS is out of the country. Our political prayer for the day is “please do not let him tweet and start a war.”

He is headed to the G-20 Summit that kicks off tomorrow in Hamburg, Germany. The Chair of the Conference is Head of State of Germany, Angela Merkel. It is a meeting to discuss world financial issues and has been going on since 1999 (Google it).

I am feeling like The Hippie Dippy Weatherman (George Carlin) “A line of thunderstorms is headed toward Japan, but so is a line of North Korean missiles, so I would not sweat the thunderstorms.” Is the emoji for this a mushroom shaped cloud over Alaska or the Secretary of Education telling children to “just get under their desks and put your hands over your heads?”

The POTUS visited Poland on his way to Germany. When That Man tweets at 3:00 AM that “His Presidency received the largest crowds ever” please remember your history.

  1. Most of those crowds were bused in. They are somewhat like Extras in a crowd scene in a movie. If one knew their history, he or she would know this.
  2. Had he or his staff bothered to check a history book he would see that since September 1, 1939, Poland has taken a rough ride in history. Actually, it goes way back further, but we’ll start with the September first date. First it was those Nazis tanks overpowering a military that was riding horses waving sabers.Then it was the Soviets and that Iron Curtain. So when he tweets “I am the BEST,” remember previous Presidents were not allowed to visit. Something about that Soviet Union travel ban during a period known as The Cold War. Ask your buddy VP. Not the Vice President.
  3. The POTUS is also meeting with the leader of Russia Vladimir Putin. I wonder if Vlad will serve Moscow Mules in a symbolic gesture of what the POTUS means to him.

As the 20 Heads of State gather in Germany, let us end with a history joke.

The Heads of State of Germany, The United States and Russia meet in a bar. The three are to discuss world issues and strategies to achieve them. As the evening progresses and drinking continues, the German head of state remains silent. The heads of state from the United States and Russia outline elaborate strategies. Finally, German leader is asked for input. She looks at the Russian and says, “Next time we will come in the summer.”

Wednesday, June 21, 2017 –Estival Solstice and a New Ken

Wednesday, June 21, 2017 –Estival Solstice and a New Ken

Our new word for the day is “Estival.” It is an adjective that means pertaining or appropriate to summer. Today marks the summer solstice or the estival solstice. It is the longest day of the year with the longest twilight. I wonder if that translates to the longest happy hour.

Texas Stonehenge – Kerrville, Texas Photo by me

If you want to learn more about the summer solstice, pretend you are in Mr. Michael’s 9th Grade physical science class and click on the link. There are some pretty cool illustrations. To my Alaska friends, get out the sleep masks; there is going to be a lot of sunlight.

https://www.vox.com/science-and-health/2017/6/19/15832952/summer-solstice-2017

Since this is a long day, let us catch up on what I have been thinking.

Please sign the online petition to never allow Texas A&M to play TCU in baseball.

Tropical storm Cindy is about the make landfall through New Orleans and the southern states bringing inches plus of rain. It would be nice if there was a FEMA Director. Doesn’t FEMA stand for Federal EMERGENCY MANAGEMENT? Just in case the low lying areas need help or have an emergency.

Congratulations to Diana Taurasi for becoming the all-time leading scorer in professional women’s basketball. Thank you Title IX and believers in women’s athletics. Thank you, Diana.

The 2017 Texas A&M Maroon out game is with Auburn on Saturday, November Fourth. I was hoping the Maroon Out game would be with Alabama, but I will take Auburn. It is always fun to do Snarky Fridays when the Aggies play a school named after a hair color. And perhaps the Aggies can count on a modicum of support from The Tide.

Did you know there is new Ken doll? Mattel updated Barbie’s long-time, gay boyfriend, Ken, to create a diversity look. There are actually 15 new Kens. They have different skin colors, different body types and different hair styles and colors. Body types include slim, original and large. Various hair styles even include the man bun.

I have not researched the various Ken dolls, but I hope there is Cut-n-Shoot/Porter Ken. This Ken would wear jeans, boots, a torn T-shirt, and a Make America Great Again cap. Of course he would drive a pick-up truck; would be overweight, have a beer belly and sport a mullet. He would come with diabetes prescription, a six-pack of Miller Lite, a pack of Marlboros and a worn EZ-Boy Recliner. Remote control, trailer and pit bulls not included.

As I said I have not researched the various Kens, but here’s what I’m thinking. These Kens, like those who preceded him, are genitalia challenged or sans male body parts. Perhaps Barbie likes him that way.

It is going to be a long day. Enjoy the estival solstice.

Monday, May 22, 2017 – Global Update and Texas Public School News

Monday, May 22, 2017 – Global Update and Texas Public School News

Good Morning Civics Class.

Our vocabulary word for the day is: ultracrepidarian. (uhl-truh-krep-i-DAIR- ee-uh-n) It is an adjective noting or pertaining to a person, who criticizes, judges or gives advice outside the area of his or her expertise.

Let us explore some examples of persons who might be described as ultracrepidarian.

At the global level The United States’ ultracrepidarian Potus is sword fighting with Saudi royalty. Talk about sabre rattling. They all went to the Toby Keith Testosterone Concert, part of the Hand Maiden’s Tale Tour. Meanwhile, Malaria the Silent and Blondie Anorexia are showing a great deal of leg for an Arab country that covers their women in sheets.

I really do not know what to think about that glowing orb thing. It is creepy. I think it is three billionaires contacting the Mother Ship for further details. It is also possible the sheiks told POTUS it was the newest thing for penile dysfunction and is available for only $19.95 (easily converted to rubles) via the Internet.

Today Trumpet is to visit the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem. Fake New, Inc. reports he is exploring moving the wall to Laredo, Texas or somewhere in Arizona. FYI – Do not even think about putting the words “wall” and “Big Bend” in the same sentence.

“But in Texas the talk turned to outlaws, like Willie, Waylon and me.” (David Allen Coe. 1976) Other outlaws now include, but are not limited to: the entire Texas Legislature. What is happening in The Lone Star State of Texas?

There is one week of public schools left in the year and one week left in the Texas Legislature. Of course that fat lady is not warming up to sing and Saint Dan, The Evangelical can still hold bills in the Senate hostage and call special sessions until he gets his way. But he might be content to throw the entire public school system and its children under the big yellow legislative bus.

First, the bathroom bill. Am I reading this correctly? This now only applies to K-12 public schools? And the lower chamber pot (The House) stuck this in the bill as amendment for the requirements for an ISD’s for emergency preparations?

The Texas House passed bathroom restrictions for transgender students.

…An amendment was added to school districts’ emergency plans and added language requiring K-12 schools provide single-stall restrooms and other public areas to a student “who does not wish” to use facilities designated by “biological sex.”

What happened to “local control?” or as we say in Texas, “by God Independent School District.” Is there funding in the school finance bill to make these accommodations or is this an “unfunded mandate?” Why not add an amendment to make the “other bathroom” a pay toilet and name it the Dan Patrick Potty ? If you are going to discriminate, then go all out. This might pay for the required upgrades the school has to make or at least increase custodial pay for those who have to clean up when everyone pees on the floor.

School Finance. The upper chamber pot did approve the school finance bill. But only if it included Voucher Language. Let me translate. If your child is disabled you can use my tax dollars that take away from the public school system and can be used for private schooling. It also reads as though my tax dollars can go to parents educating their children at home.

The Senate put a voucher-like program in House Bill 21, the school finance bill.

The upper chamber early Monday morning approved a bill that would simplify the formulas for funding public schools and allow parents of kids with disabilities to take state money to leave the public system for private schools or homeschooling. HB 21 now includes a provision the House hates and Patrick wants: state subsidies for parents who want to send their children with disabilities to private schools or need money for services to educate them at home.

In summary, here’s what I’m thinking. Please protect the public school system from ultracrepidarian politicians. And please protect all Texas children and especially those in foster care, who are transgendered, and with disabilities from the Texas Legislature.

https://www.texastribune.org/2017/05/22/brief-may-22/?utm_campaign=trib-social-buttons&utm_source=twitter&utm_medium=social

Tuesday, May 9, 2017 – When the Quote Comes Back to Haunt You

Tuesday, May 9, 2017 – When the Quote Comes Back to Haunt You

Good Morning Class,

Today we will examine four quotations. Two quotes are from previous presidents of the United States; one is from a high ranking US government official and one is from the current president, Donald Trumpet. Note: the last quote was said during the campaign, but seems to be applicable to any situation and issue today.

Your assignment is to complete your predicted result by filling in the blank for quote number four.

Ready?

  1. “I am not a crook.” Richard Millhouse Nixon. Result: Resignation
  2. “I did not have sex with that woman.” William (Bill) Jefferson Clinton. Result: Impeachment
  3. “…no evidence of collusion with Russia and Trump.” Director Clapper speaking about President Clapper. Result: Security guard at Wal-Mart.
  4. “I am the innocent one.” Donald J. Trump. Result: ______________________

Thursday, May 4, 2017 – May the Fourth Be With You. Cinco de Mayo Primer

Thursday, May 4, 2017 – May the Fourth Be With You. Cinco de Mayo Primer

Here’s what I’m thinking today. As the scary Orange Vader from the Dark continues to usurp power from the Ordinaries, formerly known as Voters, our tales of Starless Wars continue.

Good opening, don’t you think? Today is celebrate Star Wars day. I am certain this next statement will get me removed from The Big Bang Theory fan club. I prefer Star Trek over Star Wars. And I like The Next Generation. Of course it has to do with a better looking crew, but I also identified with the empath, Commander Deanna Troi. Of course it was Commander Troi who crashed the space ship in the movie.

Tomorrow promises to be mucho more fun – the celebration of Cinco de Mayo. Since this question comes every year at this time, I shall now provide you with some responses and just enough history of the holiday for the first round of drinks. This will come in handy when you are celebrating when someone asks, “What is Cinco de Mayo?”

It is NOT Mexico’s Independence Day. That date is September 16 when the country celebrates its independence from Spain. Cinco de Mayo celebrates the victory of the Mexican army over the French army at the 1862 Battle of Puebla. I am sure the US would sent troops to help had Orange Vader been successful in time travel and in preventing the engagement the US was involved in during 1862,

The day is not that popular in Mexico and began in California during the time of The American Civil war with Americans of Mexican descent hoping to raise money for Mexico’s troops and independence effort.

The celebration of the day began in the 1970’s and 1980’s when American beer companies began targeting and marketing to the Spanish speaking population.

In conclusion Cinco de Mayo is pretty much an American day of celebration originating with a commercial interest. Forbes estimates that 80 million pounds of avocadoes are consumed on this day in The United States.

How does Orange Vader plan to get that amount of avocadoes over The Wall?

Oh well, Wait Staff Person? Another round please. One frozen, no salt. One on the rocks with salt. Two Dos Equis. One Corona. Donde esta el bano?

Photo by me. January 15, 1991. Inauguration of Governor Ann Richards.

Info taken from: http://www.ajc.com/news/local/facts-about-cinco-mayo-you-should-know-but-probably-don/pY6RsKLlc02fUMjur3M0PO/

Fiza Pirani The Atlanta Journal-Constitution 3:50 p.m Tuesday, May 2, 2017 National/World News

Monday, May 1, 2017 – Mayday! Ring Around the May Pole. My First 100 Days

Monday, May 1, 2017 – Mayday! Ring Around the May Pole. My First 100 Days

Good Morning, Boys and Girls.

It is the first day of May. May Day should not be confused with “Mayday.” Nor should it be confused with the May Pole. They are both Republican traditions that date back for centuries. (FYI – that is fake news.)

First: Mayday

Today I found out why those aboard planes and ships use the word “Mayday” to indicate they are in extreme distress.

In 1923, a senior radio officer, Frederick Stanley Mockford, in Croydon Airport in London, England was asked to think of one word that would be easy to understand for all pilots and ground staff in the event of an emergency.

The problem had arisen as voice radio communication slowly became more common, so an equivalent to the Morse code SOS distress signal was needed.  Obviously a word like “help” wasn’t a good choice for English speakers because it could be used in normal conversations where no one was in distress.

At the time Mockford was considering the request, much of the traffic he was dealing with was between Croydon and Le Bourget Airport in Paris, France. With both the French and English languages in mind, he came up with the somewhat unique word “Mayday”, the anglicized spelling of the French pronunciation of the word “m’aider” which means “help me”.

http://www.todayifoundout.com/index.php/2014/01/planes-ships-used-word-mayday-distress/

Second: The May Pole Dance – This is the origin of pole dancing in America. (FYI – That is also fake-news.)

Puritan Dude pointing out immoral behavior of crew when alcohol is served. Origin of gentlemen’s clubs and judging evangelicals. (FYI – Altered Facts.)

http://time.com/4305252/controversial-maypole-history/

Three: My First 100 Days

Due to space limitations and Sean Spicer’s inability to speak coherently, I shall limit my accomplishments to just the really big; BIG! Big numbers, real good; awesome; major; best days in history of America: all about me.

During My First 100 Days, I have not:

Angered the entire free world, including the historical allies

Really angered the most dangerous nation in the world

Berated the press and all media

Given fake-news or altered facts on national TV or anywhere else

Put my feet on the couch in the Oval Office

Tweeted diplomatic policies at 3:00 AM. Although I usually go to the bathroom about that time, but I am not tweeting.

Accused anybody of wire-tapping my office or spying on me through my microwave

Appointed someone with less credentials than my cat who wants to privatized the public education system

Had a beautiful piece of chocolate cake while sitting across from a foreign leader while sending Tomahawk missiles into a country

Played golf as many times as the potus, but probably played better

Neither have I accomplished any legislation.

Of course I could go on and on because I am so wonderful. Really, really good. Awesome. Best Ever. They like me! They really like me!

So our words/phrases for today are: MAYDAY x 3. May Pole Dancing. And the first 100 Days. What does those words have in common? Trumpet up.