Tag Archives: satire

Monday, September 27, 2021 – My Monday After Saturday College Football – Week Four

Monday, September 27, 2021 – My Monday After Saturday College Football – Week Four

Why do you build me up, Buttercup, Baby, just to let me down?

Oh Baby, Why Baby? Why Baby? Why Baby Why? You make me cry, Baby, cry Baby, cry Baby Cry...

I’m still singing those songs and other funeral dirges.

My first Award today is the Celeste Award.  It goes to the Texas Aggies – formerly known as the Fighten Texas Aggies. It is named after my friend, Celeste, who is 102 years old and said quite accurately that the Aggies played like “Ned, in the First Reader!” That colloquialism means “not experienced, lacking knowledge, skill or wisdom gained from experience.” So here’s to all the Neds wearing maroon and white. For goodness’s sake, it was your FOURTH game! Texas A&M 10 and Arkansas 20. Not even close, you Ned Heads! Whenever you play in Dallas, you succumb to Dallas voodoo and then play like doo doo.

Joining the Aggies taking home the Disappointment Award are the Clemson Tigers. Clemson falls after losing 27 to 21 to North Carolina State in double overtime.  Could there be an Alamo Bowl for the Aggies and the Tigers?

OU 16 and West Virginia 13. Oklahoma wins a Poopy Undies and The Lost Heisman Award by kicking a game ending field goal to win. I also throw in an Ugly Win Trophy. Once again, the begging question – are you sure you are ready for the SEC?

Also receiving a Poopy Undies Awards are both Auburn and Georgia State. Auburn Autumn Bird comes from behind to win 34 to 24.

While we are at it, let’s give the Dogs of Mississippi State and the Tigers of LSU a pair of Poopy Underwear. See you next week State. We might be playing for a spot in the Tropical Smoothie Café Frisco Bowl in boring Frisco, Texas.

To the Baylor Bears I have several awards. First, a Kudos Award for knocking off the Cyclones of Iowa State 31 to 29. The Kudos Award comes with a Way to Go, Bears! Banner. The Bears also receive the Ugly Uniforms Award because you looked like a bunch of animated bananas.

I do have an Exploding Head Coach Award this week. It goes to Iowa State coach, Matt Campbell. He exploded over a referee’s call and peppered him with colorful language.

Seriously, Coach, I do not think it was wise to scream descriptions of the play as a gerund of sexual intercourse with male bovine feces while in Waco. Just because you are in Texas does not mean you can talk about bull poo poo.

The rest of the games were blowouts and receive a Rout and Trounce Award. If your team scored more than 50 points against the opponent, please pick up your award at the end of the half and put in the women’s field hockey team for the remainder of the game.

But as a loyal 12th Man I faithfully say about the Aggies…

“I’ve seen them play since way back when,
And they’ve always had the grit;
I’ve seen ‘em lose and I’ve seen ‘em win,
But I’ve never seen ‘em quit.”

So we ain’t quitting. And it is going to be ear drum busting loud in Kyle Field.

Meanwhile. Stay safe. Get the vaccine.

Friday, October 12, 2018 – The College Football Snark – Week Seven

Friday, October 12, 2018 – The College Football Snark – Week Seven

Let’s begin with the Big 12 Conference, which is really only 10, but that conference name was already taken.

In the TCU Turnover Game last night against Texas Tech, the Tech QB, Jett Duffey scored the winning touchdown giving Tech a 17-14 victory. To the best of my knowledge I am not related to the young freshman quarterback as I have not done an ancestor spit test. But he is from Mansfield, Texas and that is very close to Louisiana.

Tomorrow, of slight interest we find that the Cowboys of Oklahoma State drew the black bean and play Kansas State at 11:00 on ESPNU. Yawn.

At 6:00 on FS1 the West Virginia Mountaineers travel to Ames to meet Iowa State in the What Other Games Are On contest.

Sandwiched in the middle at 2:30 on ESPN we find the Bears of Baylor and the Horns of Texas. It is THE University versus THEE University in the Battle of Road Construction on I-35. The Bears will need a miracle, but hey it has happened before.

Moving on. At 11:00 on FS1 it is Ohio State and Minnesota. Ugly uniforms on both sides.

On ESPN at 11:00 it is Florida and Vanderbilt. The poor state of Florida got slammed by Hurricane Michael. When your peninsula divides into two parts will it be like Michigan? Or will one of the land masses declare independence?

On SECN we have a pissed off for last week’s loss against Mississippi State Auburn  and Tennessee at 11:00 on the SECN. Wish that I was there on Rocky Top…

The 2:30 time slot is once again this weeks’ game winner.

There is Michigan State vs Penn State on the BTN. I was unaware there was a Big Ten Network. The Big 12 has a network too. It is called The Longhorn Network and it does not share. It also only has commercials with has been players. But you can watch the 2005 Rose Bowl as many times as you want.

I will be getting carpel thumb syndrome as I switch between games at 2:30. It is LSU and Georgia on CBS in the Redeemer and Validation Game. Come on Mike, show us what you got. GEAUX TIGERS!

The other time slot finds the Fighting Texas Aggies versus the Gamecocks of South Carolina on SECN. Note to Uncle Will Muschamp – You will really have to work to get an Exploding Head Coach Award on Monday in order to beat Gary Patterson of TCU last night. Yes, there will be a photo on Monday. And yes, Gary, those pants make your butt look big. This just in from Reveille “I am not sitting for a photo op with the chicken. But I can chase it off the field if you like.”

At 6:00 on ESPN the Tide of Alabama rolls over and drowns the Tigers of Missouri. If Missouri scores 31 points on the Alabama defense, I’m pretty sure Coach Saban’s head will explode too.

I actually had a Nick Saban moment yesterday. Suddenly while in Academy I heard,

“Young Lady? Are you really going to spend almost $40.00 for that Astros T-shirt? Something that you might wear once or twice at tops?”

Me: Yeah. You’re probably right.

Saban: I probably am.

Me: I’ll wait for the 2018 World Series Winners T-shirt.”

Houston Astros and Boston Red Sox on TBS at 7:09.

BTHO South Carolina!

Saturday Socks.

Tuesday, September 4, 2018 – Your Fashion Police Service Announcement

Tuesday, September 4, 2018 – Your Fashion Police Service Announcement

I am a graduate of the Austin, Texas Citizens Police Academy and a graduate of the State Office Workers Fashion Police Academy- SOWFPA.

This little known organization, SOWFPA, conducts evaluations at various conferences and gatherings throughout the year and pretty much everywhere else there are people wearing clothes. There are certain categories, including, but not limited to, the following:

  • Best use of fabric originally designed as upholstery,
  • Best use of wild patterns and/or colors on blouses and shirts for seizure inducing episodes,
  • Best floral arrangement displayed on a fabric,
  • Best use of fabric designed after a wild animal,
  • Best use of evening wear in a day time setting,
  • Best cocktail ensemble in a day time setting,
  • Best use of leather and not riding a motorcycle,
  • Best use of polyesters, and
  • Best thing on your head whatever it may be – hat, wig, extensions, beads, ribbons, bows, tiaras, feathers, glitter, etc.

Here’s what I’m thinking. Given my extensive experience in fashion evaluation, I am more than qualified to provide this fashion public service announcement. Ready?

Today is the day after Labor Day. That means NO white clothing should be worn. It is a well-known rule in the South known by all Southern Ladies that one does not wear white shoes, white pants, white, cropped pants, white shorts or white dresses until Easter. 2019. If I see you wearing white, it will be necessary to report you to the Fashion Police of Your Career.

This message was brought to you today by someone who wore their gym shorts, T-shirt and baseball cap to the grocery store this morning.

Thursday, July 12, 2018 – Texas A&M Cancels Entire Fall Semester

Thursday, July 12, 2018 – Texas A&M Cancels Entire Fall Semester – Good Bull

This is a headline today from the Department of fake news.

Texas A&M cancels entire fall semester to accommodate Thursday night football game in August.

Here’s what I’m thinking. This from Good Bull is every undergraduates’ dream come true. I think it is an excellent idea, Jimbo. I don’t think any SEC school actually has classes during football season, do they? Maybe Vanderbilt.

https://www.goodbullhunting.com/2018/7/11/17560924/texas-a-m-cancels-entire-fall-semester-to-accommodate-thursday-football-game-in-august-aggies-fake?soc_src=community&soc_trk=ma

Monday, December 11, 2017 – Tom Lehrer and The Roy Moore Victory Song – Vote Doug Jones!

Monday, December 11, 2017 – Tom Lehrer and The Roy Moore Victory Song – Vote Doug Jones!

Good Morning, Music History Class,

Today we will examine victory songs that for whatever reason did not become popular. Take for example, The Confederate Victory Song.

Cindy Lee don’t wring your hankie; I just shot me a Yankee

Tell the slaves to keep on working in the fields.

While still popular in certain parts of The South today, those four days in Gettysburg in 1863 put a damper on that tune.

But we have this never made it tune from April 1912 first recorded by Ice Berg.

Bon Voyage to you new Titanic; you’re the greatest ship on the sea; Bon Voyage to you new Titanic, say ‘Hello’ to the Statue of Liberty; We know with what your costing you’re unsinkable; to wish you a safe crossing is unthinkable

Another from the lost vaults of no victory songs include from 1937:

There’ll be a hot, hot time in Lakehurst, New Jersey when the Hindenburg lands today.

It has the great line:

All the way from Germany, you’ve flown her to us and we know that the motto was New Jersey or bust!

Ah yes, we have such great songs as “We’ll all be there to meet her When Amelia Earhart Circles the Globe” and the ever popular Custer’s Victory Song from Little Big Horn.

When the great satirist, Tom Lehrer recorded the following song first in 1953 in Boston and then with Songs Revisited in 1960 and again in 1966, I suspect he never foresaw or hoped to see individuals who still actually believe the world was better then. The 1960’s were violent enough let alone the 1860’s!

Dear Mr. Lehrer,

If you have a problem with I Want to Go Back to Dixie as the Roy Moore Victory Song, let me know.

Satirically, yours,

DrD

Dear Voters of Alabama,

Do the right thing and vote for Doug Jones.

Unless, you wanna go back to Dixie, as when “things were better” as suggested by Roy Moore.

From Twitter: Jesus said “Go forth and sin no more.” Not “Go forth and sin Roy Moore.”

Seriously concerned US Citizen with current voter registration card in Texas,

DrD

https://youtu.be/HAwhC_btAUU

The text and a sing along.

Well, what I like to do on formal occasions like this is to take some of the various types of songs that we all know and presumably love, and, as it were, to kick them when they’re down. I find if you take the various popular song forms to their logical extremes, you can arrive at almost anything from the ridiculous to the obscene, or — as they say in New York — sophisticated. I’d like to illustrate with several hundred examples for you this evening, first of all, the Southern type song about the wonders of the American South. But it’s always seemed to me that most of these song really don’t go far enough. The following song, on the other hand, goes too far. It’s called I wanna go back to Dixie.

I wanna go back to Dixie,
Take me back to dear ol’ Dixie,
That’s the only li’l ol’ place for li’l ol’ me.
Ol’ times there are not forgotten,
Whuppin’ slaves and sellin’ cotton,
And waitin’ for the Robert E. Lee.
(it was never there on time.)
I’ll go back to the Swanee,
Where pellagra makes you scrawny,
And the honeysuckle clutters up the vine
I really am a-fixin’
To go home and start a-mixin’
Down below that Mason-Dixon line.

Oh, poll tax, how I love ya, how I love ya,
My dear old poll tax.

Won’tcha come with me to alabammy,
Back to the arms of my dear ol’ mammy,
Her cookin’s lousy and her hands are clammy,
But what the hell, it’s home.
Yes, for paradise the southland is my nominee.
Jes’ give me a ham hock and a grit of hominy.

I wanna go back to Dixie
I wanna be a dixie pixie
And eat cornpone ’til it’s comin’ outta my ears
I wanna talk with southern gentlemen
And put my white sheet on again,
I ain’t seen one good lynchin’ in years.
The land of the boll weevil,
Where the laws are medieval,
Is callin’ me to come and nevermore roam.
I wanna go back to the southland,
That “y’all” and “shet-ma-mouth” land,
Be it ever so decadent,
There’s no place like home.

 

Monday, December 11, 2017 – Tom Lehrer and The Roy Moore Victory Song – Vote Doug Jones!

Monday, December 11, 2017 – Tom Lehrer and The Roy Moore Victory Song – Vote Doug Jones!

Good Morning, Music History Class,

Today we will examine victory songs that for whatever reason did not become popular. Take for example, The Confederate Victory Song.

Cindy Lee don’t wring your hankie; I just shot me a Yankee

Tell the slaves to keep on working in the fields.

While still popular in certain parts of The South today, those four days in Gettysburg in 1863 put a damper on that tune.

But we have this never made it tune from April 1912 first recorded by Ice Berg.

Bon Voyage to you new Titanic; you’re the greatest ship on the sea; Bon Voyage to you new Titanic, say ‘Hello’ to the Statue of Liberty; We know with what your costing you’re unsinkable; to wish you a safe crossing is unthinkable

Another from the lost vaults of no victory songs include from 1937:

There’ll be a hot, hot time in Lakehurst, New Jersey when the Hindenburg lands today.

It has the great line:

All the way from Germany, you’ve flown her to us and we know that the motto was New Jersey or bust!

Ah yes, we have such great songs as “We’ll all be there to meet her When Amelia Earhart Circles the Globe” and the ever popular Custer’s Victory Song from Little Big Horn.

When the great satirist, Tom Lehrer recorded the following song first in 1953 in Boston and then with Songs Revisited in 1960 and again in 1966, I suspect he never foresaw or hoped to see individuals who still actually believe the world was better then. The 1960’s were violent enough let alone the 1860’s!

Dear Mr. Lehrer,

If you have a problem with I Want to Go Back to Dixie as the Roy Moore Victory Song, let me know.

Satirically, yours,

DrD

Dear Voters of Alabama,

Do the right thing and vote for Doug Jones.

Unless, you wanna go back to Dixie, as when “things were better” as suggested by Roy Moore.

From Twitter: Jesus said “Go forth and sin no more.” Not “Go forth and sin Roy Moore.”

Seriously concerned US Citizen with current voter registration card in Texas,

DrD

https://youtu.be/HAwhC_btAUU

The text and a sing along.

Well, what I like to do on formal occasions like this is to take some of the various types of songs that we all know and presumably love, and, as it were, to kick them when they’re down. I find if you take the various popular song forms to their logical extremes, you can arrive at almost anything from the ridiculous to the obscene, or — as they say in New York — sophisticated. I’d like to illustrate with several hundred examples for you this evening, first of all, the Southern type song about the wonders of the American South. But it’s always seemed to me that most of these song really don’t go far enough. The following song, on the other hand, goes too far. It’s called I wanna go back to Dixie.

I wanna go back to Dixie,
Take me back to dear ol’ Dixie,
That’s the only li’l ol’ place for li’l ol’ me.
Ol’ times there are not forgotten,
Whuppin’ slaves and sellin’ cotton,
And waitin’ for the Robert E. Lee.
(it was never there on time.)
I’ll go back to the Swanee,
Where pellagra makes you scrawny,
And the honeysuckle clutters up the vine
I really am a-fixin’
To go home and start a-mixin’
Down below that Mason-Dixon line.

Oh, poll tax, how I love ya, how I love ya,
My dear old poll tax.

Won’tcha come with me to alabammy,
Back to the arms of my dear ol’ mammy,
Her cookin’s lousy and her hands are clammy,
But what the hell, it’s home.
Yes, for paradise the southland is my nominee.
Jes’ give me a ham hock and a grit of hominy.

I wanna go back to Dixie
I wanna be a dixie pixie
And eat cornpone ’til it’s comin’ outta my ears
I wanna talk with southern gentlemen
And put my white sheet on again,
I ain’t seen one good lynchin’ in years.
The land of the boll weevil,
Where the laws are medieval,
Is callin’ me to come and nevermore roam.
I wanna go back to the southland,
That “y’all” and “shet-ma-mouth” land,
Be it ever so decadent,
There’s no place like home.

 

Monday, September 04, 2017 – My Monday After College Football Awards.

Monday, September 04, 2017 – My Monday After College Football Awards.

Let’s begin. Every NCAA Division I team receives a Poopy Undies Award. It was definitely a Jalapeno by Morning for many.

As predicted the Ugliest Uniform goes to Maryland. Argyle patterns only look good on socks, sweaters and court jesters.

The Charlie Brown Award for Worse Kick goes to the punter of Wyoming for missing the entire ball.

The Hangover Award goes to the Texas Longhorns, the Baylor Bears and the Texas Aggies. Like the movie, we all woke up and wondered “what the hell happened last night?”

All three schools are also recipients of The Hoover Award because you sucked! Throw in the Big Disappointment Award.

It is a tie for The Most Inauspicious Coaching Debut – Texas’ Tom Herman and Baylor’s Matt Rhule. I somehow doubt the alumni from each school were comforted by the announcers of both games saying “this is a good teaching moment for …” for Herman and Rhule. I am pretty sure they were expecting winning moments rather than teaching moments. I think teaching moments are called practice.

I am awarding the UCLA quarterback, Josh Rosen, The Timex Award. He took a licking, but kept on ticking.

The Clock is Ticking Award goes to Texas A&M Head Coach, Kevin Sumlin.

The Aloe Award goes to the entire Texas A&M Coaching Staff and especially the Defense. You got burned!

And the Still Number One Award goes to Alabama. Roll Tide! To Nick Saban: Do you have any assistants who want to move up to a head coaching position? I imagine there will be an opening after the Tide visits College Station if not sooner. I hear Coach Sumlin’s house has a pool.

I am giving up football. I am going to follow curling and synchronized swimming instead.

Thursday, August 10, 2017 – Fire and Fury and The Merry Little Minuet

Thursday, August 10, 2017 – Fire and Fury and The Merry Little Minuet

“For man’s been endowed with a mushroom shaped cloud…”

I am a Baby Boomer – One of those people whose birth falls between 1945 and 1950. We are the first generation to live under the threat of nuclear annihilation and the balancing act of nuclear proliferation.

In 1960 Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev banged his shoe on the podium at The United Nations and screamed “We will bury you.” I was eleven years old and I was scared.

1962 –United States’ President John F. Kennedy and Soviet leader, Khrushchev take us to the brink of nuclear war over the missiles in Cuba. I was thirteen years old and scared.

1967 – My friends went to Vietnam. I was eighteen years old and scared.

1968 – We, the People, said enough of oppressions and there riots in the streets across America. I was nineteen and scared.

1968 – I voted for the first time in the U S Presidential election. I never voted that way again. I got scared.

2017 – Today the POTUS tweets threats of nuclear war to North Korea at 3:00 AM. I am sixty-eight years old and I am not scared to say it, “Get this idiot impeached and removed.” Repeal and replace this disaster. If not …

“For we know for certain that some lovely day, someone will set the spark off and we will all be blown away.”

The Kingston Trio singing Tom Lehrer’s The Merry Little Minuet.

https://youtu.be/CGsY4vBYdYM

 

 

Friday, July 21, 2017 – Snarky Friday and Hotty Toddy Escort my Body Out of Here.

Friday, July 21, 2017 – Snarky Friday and Hotty Toddy Escort my Body Out of Here.

Apparently Texas A&M’s Kevin Sumlin did not have the hottest coach’s seat in the SEC. Wow, coming straight out of a William Faulkner novel the Hugh Freeze, Head Coach of The University of Mississippi (Ole Miss) resigned suddenly after displaying “a pattern of personal misconduct.” I have not consulted the Urban Dictionary, but I think that is code for “bring on the hookers.”

I understand Ken Starr might be available to represent Coach Freeze. Mr. Starr has vast experience with sex scandals. Rick Pitino (Louisville) may be able to recommend legal counsel. Given the lawyer rats jumping ship from The White House, I am sure a football sex scandal would seem like a piece of cake to any one of them. So we shall let the lawyers take over.

As for the coaching situation, I am sure any coach would want to assume the responsibilities of an NCAA program on probation and now saddled with a sex scandal just at the onset of the football season. How do you think Art Briles would look in Rebel blue and red? Charlie Strong? Whaaat?

https://www.cbssports.com/college-football/news/ole-miss-coach-hugh-freeze-resigns-amid-explosive-new-information/

Onward down the football field. I was reading Olin Buchanan’s excellent article this morning – Same Song: Aggies Deaf to Herman’s Plea to Renew Rivalry.

https://texags.com/t/3116/olin-buchanan

Here’s what I’m thinking. Coach Herman, I am not in MENSA like you are, but I do know my history. You should probably study some of it too. May I recommend The 100 Year Decision, by R. Bowen Loftin?

Mr. Buchanan in his article so noted, as does Dr. Bowen, it was not the Aggies decision to cancel the series. It was DeLoss Dodds’ decision to punish the Aggies financially.

There are theorists who theorize an alternate version of Justin Tucker’s game winning, time running out, suck the life out of you, field goal victory over the Aggies. The outcome of everything might have been different had the kick not been good.

But alas, Coach Herman. The Aggies left the Big 12 Conference to join the Southeastern Conference. In the SEC, and an 8 and 5 season will out do a 5-7 season any day of the week. The North Carolina women’s basketball team can beat the Kanas football team.

But Coach Herman, you do have that Longhorn Network – the one you do not share with any of the others in the conference? The one that shows old footage of past glory? That one. Not to be confused with the SEC Network (and there is also an alternate network on really good sports’ days). Not only does it share it profits with its member schools, it has much better programming because of the National Championships won by the SEC schools. Check it out, Coach.

But yes, my Class of ’85 ears are deaf to a rivalry between Texas A&M and THE University of Texas. LSU and Alabama and even poor Ole Miss are way more fun than you, Bevo and Boys. But I hear Manhattan, Kansas and Ames Iowa and even Waco, Texas are nice during the winter.

Here’s to Coach Herman: Hullaballoo Keneck Ken NO! Not interested.

BTHO

Wednesday, July 19, 2017 – Pack Up the Babies and Grab the Old Ladies; That’s Right, You’re Not from Texas

Wednesday, July 19, 2017 – Pack Up the Babies and Grab the Old Ladies; That’s Right, You’re Not from Texas

That’s right, you’re not from Texas, but Texas wants you anyway. Even though Lyle Lovett’s song suggests Texas wants you, we really do not. We have plenty of crazy people that already live here. Like most Southerners, we like crazy people and even enjoy sitting on the front porch and sharing a cocktail with them. In Texas we like crazy people so much we elect them to high level government positions.

This week in our great state capital, Austin, many of the crazy people once again congregate under the Dome of Decisions in a Special Session called by the Governor of Texas. One of the most pressing issues and urgent issues is to help us sort out where to void our bladders in public places associated with educational institutions. This is known as The Bathroom Bill or Senate Bill 6. So, paraphrasing the great Neil Diamond “Pack up the babies and grab the old ladies, cause everyone knows it’s Brother Dan’s Show.”

The entire Texas legislature seems to be obsessed with human body functions, like abortion, sex of any kind (yes, last session they passed a no sex with animals bill), homosexuality, transgendered people and where people poop and pee and shower and change clothes (locker rooms). And for some reason they think they can control these bodily functions legislatively.

The lieutenant Governor of Texas, Dan Patrick, aka Saint Evangelical, seems to be overly obsessed with where individuals go to the bathroom. So much he is apparently ready to fall on the proverbial sword to push this through the Texas Legislature.

Here’s what I’m thinking. What if educational institutions selected a strategically located facility in the building, and put a new sign on the door designating it

The I. P. Freely Bathroom sponsored by Saint Evangelical.

A cost savings suggestion is, just write it on the wall next to the facility. I think that is where the handwriting is. Besides, think how much money public schools could have to focus on teaching and learning rather than peeing and pooping.

“I see a bad moon rising…” Creedence Clearwater Revival. Photo by me. Looking out my backyard – also by CCR.

Keep your voter registration card current and your Texas photo voter ID too.

Bathroom bill opens deep rift in Texas GOP