Tag Archives: The University of Texas

Monday, October 12, 2020 – My Monday After Saturday College Football Awards

Monday, October 12, 2020 – My Monday After Saturday College Football Awards

Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire. From the college weekend football games that Defense forgot. It was upsets and near upsets.

First of all, what is with Ohio State, Penn State and Oregon being in the AP Top 10? You have not even played a down, let alone a game. You think you can run the 100-yard dash by starting at the 50-yard line? Big Assterick by your name.

Let’s begin with our first award, by giving The Decibel Level and Deception Award to Florida Head Coach Dan Mullins for complaining of the loud crowd noise and crowd size in Kyle Field. You think The 12th Man is loud when the stadium is as ESPN reported 27,709 in attendance? That is not even Yell Practice attendance preCOVID. Rather use the crowd noise as your excuse, perhaps you should examine your defense.

Florida QB Kyle Trask receives the trophy with a long name for If You Are Named After Kyle Field, You Don’t Win In It Unless You Wear Maroon.

To the Florida team I am awarding The Beer Trophy because it was Spiller Time in Aggieland.  Texas A&M 41 Florida 38.

LSU receives the Hurricane Delta Award for moving their game from the 2:30 afternoon slot in Baton Rouge to 11:00 in the morning in Missouri. The Tigers get A Great Goal Line Stand Award for holding on in the final seconds. That would be the Missouri Tigers. Missouri 45 and LSU 41.

Kentucky and Mississippi State – The Bulldogs receive the Yogi Berra Award for Deja Vue All Over Again. Mike, I told you the SEC is smarter, and the SEC knows your one play. Yes, even Kentucky. I am only an old while lady who has never coached, but I am thinking blaming your players for the loss is not positive.

The Ugly Uniform Award this week goes to TCU. Just because your mascot, a Horned Frog, is able to spurt blood from its eyes, it does not mean you should wear red on your uniform. Your colors are purple and white. I looked it up on your page. Besides, those uniforms looked as thought you borrowed them from SMU. K-State 21 and TCU 14. K-State is 3-0 in the Big 12.

The Heartbreak Hotel and Threaded Incline Plane Awards go to the Arkansas Razorbacks. Razorbacks 28 Auburn 30. It was a fumbled snap, not grounding in the final minute.

Alabama and Ole Miss – I am giving both teams the Michael Jackson Halloween Award because it was a Thriller. Both teams receive a Defense By-Pass Award because the defensive units on both teams by-passed the game allowing the offense to rake up a whopping SEC record score of 63 to 48 and 723 yards for Alabama and 647 for Ole Miss. And that was in regulation and more points and yards than some teams score in three consecutive games.

Both teams’ alum will send their Cussing Jar Money to their respective alma maters to ensure their defensive units take the bus to the next game. Any extra funds can be used for the purchase of new underwear.

Speaking of overtimes. It was THE University of Texas 45 and OU 53 in Four Overtimes. I award THE University of Texas and Oklahoma University The Ballerina Award because both of you now hold records of 2-2 as in tutu. When is the last time neither one of those schools was in the Top 25?

THE University of Texas receives the Maud Mullins Award from the poem of the same name by John Greenleaf Wittier.

“For of all sad words of tongue or pen,

The saddest are these: ‘It might have been!'”

And to TU Head Coach Tom Herman, I award a Gift Certificate to a Headhunter and Resume Service. Coach Herman? Have you thought about forming a band with a group of Hermits?

EARLY VOTING STARTS TOMORROW IN TEXAS. GET OUT AND VOTE!

September 28, 2020 – My Monday after Saturday College Football Awards

September 28, 2020 – My Monday after Saturday College Football Awards

Just like the year 2020 has been, it was a wild, crazy and unpredictable weekend in college football. Everybody receives a Poopy Undies award.  Every team receives a It Shows There Was No Spring Training Certificate.

I must first check on the health and well being of Elf and Big Solid. I am certain they fainted at the end of the Mississippi State and LSU game. Evidently, there are pirates on the bayous.

Assisting me today with trophy/award handouts is Miss Queue. She, along with her pets, Fumbles, Interceptions and Sacks were present in every game played.

The Pepto-Bismal Dismal Performance Award goes to Oklahoma. You were upset in Norman by Kansas State! Here, take the Embarrassment Award too.

The MOO Award goes to Kansas State for milking the clock to beat OU 38-35. Maybe THE University of Texas will beat Oklahoma this year.

Speaking of the Horns. When it almost looked as though it would be a weekend when both OU and TU lost, Banjo Boy and Horns were able to pull it out in OT against Texas Tech 63-56. I am awarding myself The Frog Award because I TOAD you Tech would be up for TU. They were just not up quite enough.

Speaking of orange – Ok, it is a stretch. Oklahoma State? What was with those uniforms? They looked like those tacky uniforms TU and Tennessee wear when they do all white with a few orange stripes. You receive this week’s Bad Uniforms Award. But you did score a win against West Virginia.

The Good Uniforms Award and the win goes to Baylor. The bright green and gold combo looked good. Perhaps that is why the Mad Hatter Kansas Coach was still wearing shades at 9:30 at night. We know it is not because Kansas’ football future is so bright, he has to wear shades.

To the LSU Tigers, you receive The Flat Certificate because you looked flat on the field.  And you receive the Linda Rondast Award because Mississippi State Blew By You!

The largest group of awards goes to the Mississippi State University Bulldogs – The Welcome Wagon Award goes to Mike Leach. You might just find a home in the SEC. Wait until you play Florida. There might even been pirate ships.

State receives the Best Victory of the Day! Best Upset of the Day! Best Quarterback Performance of the Day! And last, Nobody Saw That Coming Award! Great victory to start the season!

Alabama rolled over Missouri 38-19. It was 28 to 3 at half time. Let’s give Bama the Looking Good Again Award. I know it is a small award, but I am sure there will be others and more meaningful ones as the season goes on.

Meanwhile at the same time and almost the same half-time on a different channel it was 7 to 5 going into the top of the 3rd between Texas A&M and Vanderbilt. VANDERBILT! The Rice and Stanford of the SEC!  The Aggies get the Back to Practice Award and Lackluster Performance Award!

If I were to give a Head Coaches’ Exploding Head Award, I would have given it to Jimbo Fisher of Texas A&M. But since I did not actually view his head exploding, I am unable to do so.

Instead I will give him the Julia Sugarbaker, Designing Women Award. This is because I imagine the half-time locker room opening comments to the two freshmen players went something like this:

“Listen, honey chile! Now what exactly were you thinking? This here is the SEC. And we don’t run the opening kick off out of the end zone. Ya hear me? In fact, no college football team runs the opening kickoff out of the end zone especially when you are ten yards deep INTO the endzone. OK Now? Are you listening?

Also, if your feet are on the 10-yard line when the other team is punting, we do not field it in the endzone giving the other team a safety!

And, if you EVER do it again, I will bench your sweet asses until there are splinters all the way up to your nasal passages.

Are we clear?”

Jimbo’s speech may have been shorter and louder and may have had some adjectives and maybe an expletive or two. So Jimbo gets the I Bet the Paint Peeled off the Locker Room Walls Half-time Speech Certificate.

But Aggies did limp to a victory 17 – 12. I wonder who they play next Saturday. Oh crap!

BTHO ALABAMA!

Friday, September 25, 2020 – Snarky Friday in the Official COVID Asterisk College Football Season*

Friday, September 25, 2020 – Snarky Friday in the Official COVID Asterisk College Football Season*

Welcome to the official COVID Asterisk College Football Season * We all know that whichever teams win whatever conferences and championships there will be an ASTERISK placed by their name. This due to the fact that players and coaches and other personnel are risking their assters by playing during a global pandemic. Some teams will play eight games; some will play nine; some will be postponed; some will be cancelled and so forth and so on. Like the virus, we just don’t know what will happen.

It is a season of reduced stadium capacities, cardboard fans, no tailgating, no bands and no cheer or yell leaders. Everybody on the sidelines will be wearing a mask. Referees will use their hand-held screeching device to signal starts and stops. This affords no spitting in the wind via blowing a whistle. With the presidential debates next week, I think the moderators should use a similar device. Maybe even a bull horn to shut the candidates up when their time expires.

Who plays whom and when?

The Breakfast Bunch of games at 11:00 AM are

  • Kansas State and Oklahoma on FOX in The Boomer Sooner Roll Over the Wildkats Bowl.
  • Florida and Ole Miss on ESPN in The Florida Scrimmage Bowl. It will be scrimmage for the Gators and not so much a game for the Rebels. Start the cocktails early in The Grove.
  • Kentucky and Auburn on the SEC Network in The Hill Billy Bowl. Enough said.

During the afternoon hours at the 2:30 time slot we find Mike Leach debuting as coach of the Mississippi State Bulldogs against the LSU Tigers in Baton Rouge. Watch for the Red Stick and Tigers to beat up Mike and the Bulldogs. Mikee, the stadium is called Death Valley for a reason and there are no pirates. GEAUX Tigers! Sorry, Elf and Big Solid.

Also at 2:30 we have THE University of Texas on the plains of Lubbock taking on Texas Tortilla Tech on FOX. Tech may not have a good season, but you can bet the Red Raiders will be up for Banjo Boy and the Longhorns. BEVO may catch a flying tortilla on his horns. 

West Virginia and Oklahoma State at 2:30 on ABC. Big time for the Cowboys and The Mountaineers. I hope the game is equally big time. Go Pokes!

The Georgia Bulldogs bring UGA, their mascot to meet Tusk the Razorback and the Hogs of Arkansas on the SEC Network – at least a virtual mascot meet. All mascots must wear masks and remain six feet apart. Lots of screaming red on the field, but the win goes to UGA big time.

It is now the evening and time for the big-time games. The evening starts with Alabama and Missouri on ESPN at 6:00. Saban’s Boys will roll the TIDE over Mizzu like a bulldozer on a black top tar road. If there were bands, the Alabama band could play the last quarter.

Baylor and Kansas on ESPNU at 6:30. PU is right. This will be a game of brightly colored team uniforms with low expectations. Come on. It’s Kansas. They play basketball.  Sic ‘Em, Bears!

My game of course will be Texas A&M and Vanderbilt on the SEC Alternate at 6:30. There will be no half-time performance by The Fighting Texas Aggie Band. In fact, the band will not even be in the stands. On Thursday evenings the band does a dress rehearsal and it is videoed. On game day, the percentage of fans allowed into Kyle Field and the cardboard fans will get to see the band on the big screen.

Friday’s Midnight Yell Practice is virtual. I am not certain how this is going to work. Am I supposed to stand in my living room, hump it and yell?

A! G! G! I! E! S! WHOOP! GIG ‘EM AGGIES! We shall see.

*****

WEAR THE MASK so this will be the only ASTERICK football season!

BTHO Vanderbilt!

*All games subject to COVID.

Monday, September 21, 2020 – The Monday After Saturday College Football Awards

Monday, September 21, 2020 – The Monday After Saturday College Football Awards

Let’s start with the major college football award – The COVID Trophy. This goes to the teams who postponed, canceled and/or stayed home. This includes, Baylor, University of Houston, Charlotte, North Carolina, BYU and Army.

Other teams that we have little interest in all won big over their opponents, so I award them Wait Until You Play a Real Football Team Award. This begins next week.

Real football begins on Saturday with the six SEC schools of Alabama, Georgia, Florida, LSU, Auburn, and Texas A&M plus four other schools ranked in the top 10. Two from the Big 12 Conference and two teams from the ACC, if you count Notre Dame.

Why are former Blue Bloods like Notre Dame and THE University of Texas listed? Oh I remember, they only play teams like the Our Sisters of Perpetual Disappointment.

I see the Big 10 Conference has also decided to join the Road Trip to Whatever the Championship will look like. Nobody says snarky football better than SEC Shorts. Enjoy both.

The Road Trip

And Blue Bloods. How many days has it been TU?

Stay safe. Stay Strong. Wear a mask.

Friday, August 23, 2019 – It’s Snarky Friday Kickoff

Friday, August 23, 2019 – It’s Snarky Friday Kickoff

It is the official kickoff of Snarky Friday – my college football comments before Saturday’s big games. We must begin today as the Texas Aggies open next Thursday against Texas State University – formerly Southwest Texas State University.

Oh the joys of traffic for a week day football game. Classes are just beginning at Texas A&M, Blinn College and the school districts of the Brazos Valley. No one knows where they are going. No one knows how to drive. Tailgating on east and west campuses. RVs and tents and corn hole matches dominating the land surrounding Kyle Field. 30,000 people in town Wednesday for Midnight Yell. But I am excited and already have my maroon out shirt. Every game is a maroon out game.

In other Aggie news. The 12th Man of the Aggie football team is Braden White. He is from Florence Alabama. What do you think about that, Nick? Jimbo trying a little psych out maybe? See you October 12.

I now have access to the ACC Network because I am a loyal customer – aka subscribes to all of the other sports channels. For those only familiar with the LHN, other conferences share and fans have the benefit of seeing many more schools play many more sports.

And now to the meaningless college football ratings. I see that THE University of Texas is rated number 10 in several polls. The Horns should rip through the mediocre Big 12 Conference. We shall see if they can hold on to that ranking. September 7 and October 12 should take care of it. Prepare yourself to hear Tiger Rag and Boomer Sooner ad nausea. The road to the National Championship runs through the SEC, OU and Clemson.

I see where Baylor University and The University of Mississippi will play in Houston in 2020. Well, “Hotty Toddy, God Almighty!” Am I the only one who finds it ironic that Baylor, the largest Baptist school on the planet, with no drinking is playing Ole Miss where alcohol is consumed like water and the drinking age in Mississippi is 10?

And then Old Miss fans do the Toddy Chant.

Are You Ready?

Hell Yeah! Damn Right!

Hotty Toddy, God Almighty,

Who The Hell Are We? Hey!

Flim Flam, Bim Bam

Ole Miss By Damn!

Nothing like cussing in your yell when Ole Miss plays Baylor. Maybe the Rebels will dance too.

I am so ready for it all. Kick-off is only days away. Must get prepared for it. Note to self – pick up Bloody Mary mix and vodka for 11:00 am games, beer for 2:30 games, and wine for 6:00 games. Yes, a case of each. That should hold me through the Aggie-Clemson game.

BTHO Texas State!

Friday, July 19, 2019 – Unofficial Snarky Friday

Friday, July 19, 2019 – Unofficial Snarky Friday

Sometime over this weekend someone will post the number of Saturdays, the actual number of days, and the hours and minutes until college football kickoff. It might be me, but it could any one of you anxiously waiting for our favorite teams to fill the weekend TV screens.

Media Days began on Monday, July 15, and marked the unofficial start of college football season. Therefore, we have the start of Unofficial Snarky Friday. Snarky Friday is where I post my snarky comments regarding college football.

Media Days is the week when representatives from the NCAA Division I football conferences congregated in front of the media. Coaches and young men appear all dressed up, speak and answer questions from various sports media outlets.

This is the time where you hear words and phrases such as:

  • One game at a time
  • Big shoes to fill at that position
  • Big number of starters returning
  • Outstanding freshman
  • Seasoned quarterback
  • Alabama keeps whining (hey I am just paraphrasing ESPN)
  • New head coach and
  • A most difficult schedule.

As you know this blog is about teams I like and teams that play teams I like. Let’s first take a look at the Big 12 – Really Only 10 – Conference. It consists of THE University of Texas and Oklahoma University, seven other schools and Kansas that prays for basketball season to arrive. The Red River Rivalry is going to be fun, fun, fun. Wouldn’t it be ironic if Jalen Hurts won the Heisman?

Now to the – It Just Means More Conference – the SEC. I conducted a comparative analysis of the Texas Aggie Football Schedule and the SEC media days. Here’s what I’m thinking:

Media Day Schools – July 15

Florida – Do Not Care

Missouri – Really Do Not Care

LSU – Happy Thanksgiving! November 30. I shall wear my 7 OT Shirt from last year’s victory.

Media Day Schools – July 16

Mississippi – October 19 – Off to Oxford.

Tennessee – Nope!

Texas A&M – Significantly biased

Georgia – Oh crap! November 23 in Athens and seven days before LSU!

Media Day Schools – Wednesday, July 17

Arkansas – OMG! Winter is coming! September 28 in Arlington with a possibility of Nick Starkle at QB!

I am not sitting next to the damn pig this year.

Alabama – OMG! Winter is coming! October 10. Twelfth Man in the Stands! And in the streets and the whole Brazos Valley.

Mississippi State – OMG! Winter is coming! And so are the cowbells. October 26.

South Carolina – OMG! Winter is coming! But the only chicken we like is the Dixie Chicken.

Media Day Schools – Thursday, July 18

Auburn – September 21 – September 21 – the first of the three A’s. (Auburn, Arkansas and Alabama)

Kentucky – Do Not Care

Vanderbilt – Do Not Care

I am not aware if football schedules are given names that parallel similar physical events. But if so, I would like to name the Texas Aggie football schedule the following:

The 2019 Texas Aggie Football Root Canal, Gynecological/Prostate Exam and Hot Water Enema Schedule

Did I mention the Aggies play Clemson on September 7?

 

Wednesday, January 2, 2019 – And Then There Was One

Wednesday, January 2, 2019 – And Then There Was One

One college football game left. Roll Tide.

Congratulations to LSU, Oklahoma State, Ohio State, and Kentucky on their bowl wins. To any fans from Pennsylvania, your teams must win their bowl games before they are mentioned.

Congratulations to THE University of Texas for their win over Georgia in the Sugar Bowl 28-21. This game was over when Bevo decided to have a pregame snack of an UGA Hot Dawg. Try that with the Miss Reveille, Bevo and you’ll be a steak.

To Georgia: What the hell? The next time you play a major bowl against a major team, may I suggest the following:

    • Bring your head to the game
    • Take your head out of your nether region
    • Use your head to play football
    • Do not underestimate a good team. Almost beating Alabama does not end the season.
    • Do not embarrass the SEC. Texas marched through you like Sherman! The tank, not the general.

To The University, again congratulations. It does indeed appear that The University (TU) is back to original form.

To the mouths talking in the booth last night and everyone else who was a booth mouth during the bowl games:

  • Call the damn football game!
  • Learn the name of the team – it is Oklahoma State or OSU – NOT OKState. You should have known that before your Twitter account exploded from the Oklahoma State fans.
  • No one cares how you played when you were playing.
  • No one cares what play you would have called.
  • No one really cares about your opinions on anything.
  • You do not need to give me the players/coaches profile from day one of their lives.
  • You do not have to fill then entire time between plays with mindless chatter.
  • I heard you the first time. And the second and probably the third time you repeated and/or rephrased what you just said.
  • Please do not refer to Sam Ehlinger as similar to Tim Tebow or anybody else. He is the pride and hope of The University of Texas and he is like Sam Ehlinger.
  • Next year go interview Bevo before the game. Maybe he will show you how the cow ate the New Year’s cabbage.

Only one more football game so it is time to move on to the bouncing round ball. Guess who has a ticket tomorrow night for Baylor and UCONN? See you, Geno!

Sunday, December 30, 2018 – The Eve of the Eve

Sunday, December 30, 2018 – The Eve of the Eve

It is the eve of New Year’s Eve; ah bitter chill it was. Wait that is The Eve of St. Agnes by Keats when the bitter chill takes place. That is not until January 20. We also have Alfred Lord Tennyson’s version St. Agnes’ Eve. I guess plagiarism was not as evident back then.

Speaking of saints, chills, and Tennyson, how about that Charge of the Light Brigade by Notre Dame yesterday? Half a yard; half a yard; half a yard onward into the valley of death rode the Irish. Notre Dame could not summon enough saints and begorrah to even make it interesting. At least Oklahoma tried a comeback. I told you that ND does not do well in a bowl with Cotton in its name.

Here’s what I’m thinking. Next football season why don’t Clemson and Alabama play to start the season? That can be their very own personal national football championship. Then in January of 2020 two other teams can have a shot at the big trophy stick. Other fans would like to wear tacky national championship hats too.

Tomorrow, actual New Year’s Eve starts the SEC Bowl Conference. Tomorrow we find Missouri versus Oklahoma State and Unranked North Carolina versus the fighting Texas Aggies.

These games are followed by LSU, Mississippi State, Kentucky and Georgia.

And to get thee to a summary. The entire Pride of the Big 12 Conference rests between Oklahoma State and THE University of Texas. Missouri is peaking and it depends on which Oklahoma State takes the field. But Georgia is really pissed off. Those Dawgs are mad dawgs. Run Bevo!

Tomorrow – The Aggies and UT in the Gator Bowl 1957 history. Yes, the SEC – it just means more!

Monday, November 5, 2018 – My Monday After College Football Awards – Week Whatever

Monday, November 5, 2018 – My Monday After College Football Awards – Week Whatever

There are four teams receiving awards this Monday as we anxiously await our rankings and our crappy bowl assignments.

Oklahoma State University

THE University of Texas at Austin

Louisiana State University

Texas A&M University

Here is a YouTube that is representative  of me, my family and friends and all the fans from the four schools listed watching our schools’ football games Saturday.

PS – Those are NOT the Aggie Yell leaders.  HEE-HAW!

Friday, October 26, 2018 – Week Nine Snarks on College Football

Friday, October 26, 2018 – Week Nine Snarks on College Football

Grab the remote; order the pizza and pop the popcorn. It is going to be a Dilly Dilly of a weekend in college football. The Snark is calling this weekend The Douglas MacArthur weekend because some teams will never die; they will just fade away after this weekend.

My watches for the weekend.

Clemson at Florida State – 11:00 on ABC – Should be no problem for the Tigers.

Vanderbilt and Arkansas – 11:00 on SECN – The Battle of the Really Bad Football Teams in the SEC.

Florida and Georgia – 2:30 on CBS – In the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party, somebody fades away after this one. The lead in the SEC West is at stake.

Iowa and Penn State – 2:30 on ESPN – Penn State QB, Trace McSorley is so cute. This should not result in a Poopy Undies Award for PSU, but we shall see.

Kentucky and Missouri – 3:00 on SECN – Just a reminder, Texas A&M beat Kentucky. So why are the Wildcats still in the picture? Please, Missouri, do not wear those ugly, yellow, banana looking uniforms.

Texas and Oklahoma State – 7:00 ABC – T. Boone Pickens could be very interesting come 7:00. Pistol Pete is waiting for you Bevo. The slamming paddles are going to be like mayonnaise on a hot day and spoil it for you, Horns. Go Pokes!

Navy at Notre Dame – 7:00 on CBS – Anchors Away with hope. If ND sinks, then so do their chances.

My watch will be the Battle of the Maroons and Whites in Starkville. Texas A&M versus Mississippi State at 6:00 on ESPN. Trash talk to the Bulldogs– Reveille is both prettier and smarter than Bully. The Aggies have more than one offensive play. Our quarterback can run better than yours. These are not last season’s Aggies. My boyfriend, Traveon, will rush for 100 plus yards. The cowbells will not ring!

BTHO Mississippi State! WHOOP!