Monthly Archives: August 2019

Friday, August 30, 2019 – Here Come the Snark!

Posted on August 30, 2019 | Leave a comment

Friday, August 30, 2019 – Here Come the Snark!

It Snarky Football Friday. It is Cupcake Kickoff for this the first weekend of college football.

Clemson and Texas A&M both handled their cupcakes of Georgia Tech and Texas State last night quite handily. Next week is going to be a fun Dabo and Jimbo contest.

Tonight on FS1 the Cowboys of Oklahoma State play the Beavers of Oregon State. This is not a cupcake game. It is at 9:30 which is the reason nobody cares about west coast teams, especially those that wear ugly brown uniforms. Oregon State uniforms look like they were done with the paint left over from Nike’s glow in the dark yellow that The University of Oregon wears.

Saturday the winner of the dreadful 11:00 time slot on ESPNU we find the Bulldogs of Mississippi State versus Louisiana. Not sure who Louisiana is. It could be a school. It could be the entire state.

The Tide comes rolling over the Duke Blue Devils at 2:30 on ABC.

More Bulldogs at 6:30 on ESPN when Georgia takes on Vanderbilt.

At 7:00 on the one-school programming, Longhorn Network THE University of Texas at Darryl K. Royal Memorial Stadium meet and greet the Bulldogs of Louisiana Tech. The Horns will win one of their two games played by teams from Louisiana.

Speaking of the other school from Louisiana, we can see the Tigers of LSU and Georgia Southern at 6:30 on the SEC Network.

Sadly, no TV, but the Bears of Baylor host the Lumberjacks of Stephen F. Austin State University. Sorry, Baylor family, my cheers are going where my Daddy’s money and I went. Give ‘Em the AX Jacks because “Oh future bright ‘neath the purple and white…”

Just when you think it’s over for the weekend, The University of Houston premiers their new coach, Dana Holgorsen and The University of Oklahoma premiers their new quarterback and next Heisman winner at 6:30 on ABC.

Snark out. Happy Labor Day. Be safe.

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Posted in Alabama, Baylor University, Coach Nick Saban, College Football, college football, Education, humor, Jimbo Fisher, LSU, LSU Tigers, Native Texan, Texas Aggie football, Texas Aggies, The University of Texas

Thursday, August 29, 2019 – Finally! Time to Boast the Prowess Bold

Posted on August 29, 2019 | Leave a comment

Thursday, August 29, 2019 – Finally! Time to Boast the Prowess Bold!

7:30 SEC Network

BTHO Texas State

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Posted in Coach Nick Saban, College Football, college football, humor, Jimbo Fisher, Native Texan, Texas Aggies

Monday, August 26, 2019 – My Monday After Saturday/Sunday Athletic Contests Awards!

Posted on August 26, 2019 | Leave a comment

Monday, August 26 – My Monday After Saturday/Sunday Athletic Contests Awards!

First to Sunday – to the Louisiana Southwest Little League team for winning the Little League World Series. Congratulations to them! Congratulations to the state of Louisiana! Great young players on both teams.

And now back Saturday and college football – Florida vs. Miami Saturday Night

My number one award is the “I Really Don’t Care Award” awarded to both Florida and Miami. See, even though I was not raised in Louisiana, I was taught early on to never pull for team from Florida. And now that Florida is in the SEC, I never pull for Florida even more so. Besides, I cannot be bothered with them this season. That means the Aggies do not play the Gators this season.

Our first Poopy Underwear Award of the year (for scaring their fan base due to a close game) goes to the Florida Gators.

The Recorded the Wrong Channel Award goes to me. I accidently recorded the ESPN with the five screens. If you have not seen this, the five screens stay on your TV for the entire game.

I do not need this much data flowing through my brain. I just want to watch the damn football game. I do not want to watch a camera on both coaches; interviews with former players of both teams, a box with statistics in it and the ESPN logo; the actual game and in the largest box of all – four white dudes in casual slacks and no ties discussing the game as it is being played. Did I mention I don’t care?

Here’s what I’m thinking. I would like to give five screens at my house a try. Not watching other games with five data flowing screens on my TV screen but simulating the four dudes. I would have dudes and dudessess come to watch and comment on an Aggie football game as it is being played in real-time.

Who would I have? I would invite Ms. Navasota, my friend Randy from Katy, RL, and me. Maybe we, I could have a 5th chair. You know – like on ESPN Game Day.? Let me know if you are interested in having a chair in my living room this fall.

I’ll need some technical help to record us and to put our five live boxes on air. We will be seated in my living room watching an Aggie football game. Bras are optional, but T-shirts are required; gentlemen must wear pants and a top; shoes are optional and sandals with socks are optional.

We will sit behind a table with adult beverages of choice  (Screen 1) and keep statistics in the statistics box of the number of drinks we consume (Screen 2) and the number of times we curse at the TV (Screen 3). Screen 4, of course will be the game. That leaves room for a fifth screen. Maybe a slideshow of our pets and actually show the bands marching at halftime.

I believe this idea has great broadcast potential. Let me know if you are interested in becoming a guest commentator, drinker and cusser for Saturday college football games.

It is going to be a great year. Let’s get these tailgates started staring this Thursday.

BTHO TEXAS STATE!

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Posted in College Football, college football, Education, humor, Native Texan, Texas Aggie football, Texas Aggies, Uncategorized

Friday, August 23, 2019 – It’s Snarky Friday Kickoff

Posted on August 23, 2019 | 1 comment

Friday, August 23, 2019 – It’s Snarky Friday Kickoff

It is the official kickoff of Snarky Friday – my college football comments before Saturday’s big games. We must begin today as the Texas Aggies open next Thursday against Texas State University – formerly Southwest Texas State University.

Oh the joys of traffic for a week day football game. Classes are just beginning at Texas A&M, Blinn College and the school districts of the Brazos Valley. No one knows where they are going. No one knows how to drive. Tailgating on east and west campuses. RVs and tents and corn hole matches dominating the land surrounding Kyle Field. 30,000 people in town Wednesday for Midnight Yell. But I am excited and already have my maroon out shirt. Every game is a maroon out game.

In other Aggie news. The 12th Man of the Aggie football team is Braden White. He is from Florence Alabama. What do you think about that, Nick? Jimbo trying a little psych out maybe? See you October 12.

I now have access to the ACC Network because I am a loyal customer – aka subscribes to all of the other sports channels. For those only familiar with the LHN, other conferences share and fans have the benefit of seeing many more schools play many more sports.

And now to the meaningless college football ratings. I see that THE University of Texas is rated number 10 in several polls. The Horns should rip through the mediocre Big 12 Conference. We shall see if they can hold on to that ranking. September 7 and October 12 should take care of it. Prepare yourself to hear Tiger Rag and Boomer Sooner ad nausea. The road to the National Championship runs through the SEC, OU and Clemson.

I see where Baylor University and The University of Mississippi will play in Houston in 2020. Well, “Hotty Toddy, God Almighty!” Am I the only one who finds it ironic that Baylor, the largest Baptist school on the planet, with no drinking is playing Ole Miss where alcohol is consumed like water and the drinking age in Mississippi is 10?

And then Old Miss fans do the Toddy Chant.

Are You Ready?

Hell Yeah! Damn Right!

Hotty Toddy, God Almighty,

Who The Hell Are We? Hey!

Flim Flam, Bim Bam

Ole Miss By Damn!

Nothing like cussing in your yell when Ole Miss plays Baylor. Maybe the Rebels will dance too.

I am so ready for it all. Kick-off is only days away. Must get prepared for it. Note to self – pick up Bloody Mary mix and vodka for 11:00 am games, beer for 2:30 games, and wine for 6:00 games. Yes, a case of each. That should hold me through the Aggie-Clemson game.

BTHO Texas State!

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Posted in Alabama, Coach Nick Saban, College Football, college football, humor, Jimbo Fisher, LSU, LSU Tigers, Native Texan, Texas Aggie football, Texas Aggies

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Wednesday, August 21, 2019 – Aunt Myrnie’s Pineapple Sherbert Recipe

Posted on August 21, 2019 | 1 comment

Wednesday, August 21, 2019 – Aunt Myrnie’s Pineapple Sherbert Recipe!

It is August. It is hot! It damn hot! Therefore, I am offering my Aunt Myrnie’s Pineapple Sherbert recipe to provide a cool summertime treat. I will also update the recipe with my recommendation. Note: “sherbert” is her spelling from the original recipe. Yes, she is from the South – Louisiana to be exact, where the word is accurately articulated.

But first, a short bio about my aunt and her culinary abilities. I never recall the woman making more than a tuna fish sandwich and this sherbert in all of the 50 years I visited her in Shreveport, Louisiana. The tuna sandwich was served on a paper plate and the sherbert in little glass cups that came in oat meal and washing powder boxes. My mother always took food and/or we went out to eat.

Nevertheless, when my sister Dale and I and the rest of the family, cleaned out her house, we found two sets of  fine china; place settings for eight; sterling silver monogramed flatware, three sets of Fostoria crystal glasses, place setting for eight, (water, wine, and champagne) and place setting of four of antique, amber carnival glass plates and matching salad plates. Plus so many silver plated serving dishes I cannot remember. So who in the Hell was she entertaining? FYI – my Uncle Lynn, her husband, wore his pajamas all the time, but that is another story. Heck, maybe they had fancy dinner parties and everybody wore their pajamas.

But back to her sherbert.

Aunt Myrnie’s Pineapple Sherbert

1 can Dime Brand milk

2 cans or bottles of orangeade or orange soda water

1 small can crushed pineapple, juice and all

Stir together and freeze in two ice trays.

My update: I had to Google Dime Brand milk. It was a Borden’s milk product in the 1940 and 1950’s. Today it is Borden’s Eagle Brand. It does come in a fat-free version, but why bother? You are making a dessert.

I remember Aunt Myrnie’s was served from metal (and probably lead containing) ice trays with the dividers removed. I guess any container that freezes would do.

It really is good. But nothing gives a new twist on an old family recipe like an update. First of all: orangeade is not the orange color of Gatorade. Any orange juice drink will do.

Second of all: Add orange flavored vodka. I would probably go with 1 can of vodka replacing one of the small cans of the orangeade rather 2 bottles of vodka replacing the orange soda water. The mixture might get slushy, but that is ok. If you would like to serve it something fancy, I have place setting for eight of Fostoria crystal glasses that would be just perfect for Slushy Sherbert Sharing among your friends. Send for details.

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Posted in humor

Friday, August 16, 2019 – What Do You See?

Posted on August 16, 2019 | Leave a comment

Friday, August 16, 2019 – What Do You See?

Last night, I took a picture of the end of my street. Look closely.

What do you see in the picture? What do you specifically see in the cloud formations?

 

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Posted in Uncategorized

Wednesday, August 14, 2019 – When Histamines Attack! Or Vicks to the Rescue and More!

Posted on August 14, 2019 | 1 comment

Wednesday, August 14, 2019 – When Histamines Attack! Or Vicks to the Rescue and More!

Good Day! I am here today with my colleague Dr. Pepper, and we are presenting a public service announcement with information learned recently when the histamines attacked.

Recently, the Histamines, from the Isthmus of Histamonia, attacked my nasal passages, my throat, my lungs, my eyes, and probably other body parts I was not aware of. In a frantic search I immediately ingested all types of ANTI histamines including the jar of Vicks Vapor Rub to rid myself of my inner mucus.

In so doing and being bored, but between nose blowing and coughing, I found the following website that should be essential knowledge to all regarding Histamines and other forms microbes that attack the human body.

There are 40 uses listed, but I only list My Twelve Favorites.

http://www.shareably.net/vicks-vaporub-problems-solve/

Today, you will be able to list at least twelve major uses of Vicks as defined below. Then for your assessment of understanding, we will draw a random number and you must demonstrate the corresponding use of Vicks. To receive credit for this online class, you must send a pic of you demonstrating the number of use drawn. Ready? My comments are in italics.

  1. Chest Rub – Rub Vicks on your chest when congested. We all know this works. The research of The Big Bang Theory’s Dr. Sheldon Cooper and Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler support the hypothesis that use of Vicks on the chest and the singing of Soft Kitty hastens wellness and decreases mucus.
  2. Night coughs – Rub Vicks on the bottom of your feet and then put on socks to prevent night coughing. Research indicates this works, but so does a shot of Nyquil and why does it not work in the daytime to stop coughing?
  3. Neosporin replacement – If you run out of Neosporin, use VapoRub as a replacement. Spread a thin layer around the wounded area (splinters, cuts, etc.) to help accelerate the healing process. It also helps protect against germs and bacteria. Number one – why are you out of Neosporin?
  4. Treat acne – You can put some VapoRub on your pimples, acne, or other blemishes and leave it on overnight. When you wash it off in the morning your blemish should be gone. Try this remedy of other skin treatments aren’t working for you. If you have to use Vicks for acne treatment, call 1-555-Dermatolgist.
  5. Fight toenail fungus Thymol is one of the main ingredients in Vicks VapoRub and is great for blocking the growth of fungus because of its antiseptic, antimicrobial and antibacterial properties. All you have to do is rub some of it on the bed of your nail and toenail to get rid of the fungus. It does not say how long this routine is carried out. Wear socks until it goes away.
  6. As bug repellent – Apply a thin layer of VapoRub to exposed skin, and it will repel annoying insects like mosquitoes. This is perfect for camping or when traveling through humid areas. The strong scent will deter bugs from coming your way. It will also keep others from coming your way. Just stay indoors.
  7. Want to get rid of fat and cellulite? – Apply some VapoRub mixed with camphor, baking soda, and a little bit of alcohol. Rub this mixture on the area you want to slim down and cover it with plastic wrap. Do you drink the alcohol or mix it with the Vicks?
  8. Relieve sore muscles – The menthol in Vicks can help to not only offer a refreshing cool to your skin, but it can also help to improve your blood circulation. After physical activity, just grab some Vicks and rub it onto any areas that are experiencing soreness. This should provide relief and comfort to any painful areas. If you don’t want to smell like Ben Gay or Walter, this could be an alternate smell.
  9. Keep your horse focused – If you ride horses, listen up. You can keep a horse from getting distracted by the scent of female horses by applying some VapoRub under his nose. No need to let mating season stop you from going on a ride. No one likes a distracted horse. I wonder if it works on men?
  10. Get rid of warts – Have a nasty wart that suddenly appeared? No problem. Apply VapoRub to your warts twice a day for two weeks. Cover the area with gauze in between until the wart disappears. It also helps if you go outside, face the East, bury an unwashed potato at midnight and turn around three times.
  11. Hide bad smells – Everyday life can build up into some bad smells. Whether it’s from a baby’s diaper or taking out the trash, relieve the bad smell by making your own Vick’s air freshener or applying some under your nose. Your sinuses will thank you. Remember? Clarisse did this in Silence of the Lambs?
  12. Treat hemorrhoids – Hopefully you won’t have to use Vick’s VapoRub for this reason. But fun fact, for small, itchy hemorrhoids, apply Vick’s on there and let the menthol drown out the itch. But make sure to know if you can tolerate the burn first by testing Vick’s on another part of your body. WTH!

Now for your assessment. The number drawn is …

Sorry. The number drawn is Number 12. Please make a video of your face upon application! PLEASE!!!

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Posted in Education, humor, Misc., Native Texan

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Tuesday, August 6, 2019 – Worst Ever!

Posted on August 6, 2019 | 1 comment

Tuesday, August 06, 2019 – Worst Ever!

From the Helen Keller-Stevie Wonder School of Football Uniform Design we have the alternate uniform for Michigan State University – The Spartans. Note: Caution is urged if you look or read further.

In a failed attempt to simulate the success of the University of Oregon’s football uniforms of highlighter yellow and shades of green not on the colorwheel, Michigan State chose this to wear on Saturdays. It is call their alternate uniform.

Really? What team wears a uniform the color of Granny Smith apples? It looks as though the player stepped in a giant Sara Lee key lime pie.

From the website – just Google Michigan State Uniforms

“The numbers and STATE emblazoned across the chest look like the text size on your grandpa’s iPhone. The splash of sea-sick granny apple is bad enough on the torso, but when paired with the toxic chemical spill that are the pants, induces something akin to a pre-frontal lobotomy on unlucky onlookers.”

Here’s what I’m thinking. I think Nike used left over paint remains from making Oregon uniforms and made these for you, Michigan State. Now you see why their bid was the lowest. Either that you bought them at Wal-Mart.

I do not need nor want to see this in high definition against any team, but I especially do not want to see it against Ohio State or Michigan. Too much color. To Michigan State: If you play on one of those weird blue or red football fields I will puke before I can change the channel.

Now I must go wash my eyeballs.

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Posted in College Football, humor, Misc., Native Texan

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Monday, August 5, 2019

Posted on August 5, 2019 | 1 comment

Monday, August 5, 2019

Today prepare for an intellection! Intellection is a noun that means the action of understanding; the exercise of the intellect; reasoning.

Today, I am mopping my kitchen floor. I mop it every other month whether it needs it or not. I keep trying for an artistic endeavor to see if the red spilled spaghetti sauce or the multiple brown spots of coffee will invoke a design of spirituality that can be shown as artwork. You know, like those tortillas that have the face of Jesus? Or faces in the bark of trees? So far I have only managed a sneaker footprint that would make a crime lab proud and some large gray spots that resemble clouds.

My desire is to spill something on the floor that shapes into something that will cause the really bad news team from Bryan to come for an interview. Then I can begin to charge admission for people to come see the kitchen floor miracle artwork.

So today I am cleaning the floor canvas (tile) in order to start again. My ultimate goal is to get a large spot on the floor that resembles Reveille – the First Lady of Aggieland.

Oh well there goes the intellection. So much for the intellect and reasoning. I have to go mop the floor.

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Posted in Education, humor