Monday, September 28, 2015 – A College Football Weekend for the Ages
It was indeed a college football weekend for the ages. I know the Aggie/Arkansas game alone aged me at least two years. With the chaos that reigned, we do not need an ado to further, so here are my Here’s What I’m Thinking Monday after Saturday College Football Awards.
Our Monday after Saturday College Football Awards post is brought to you by the word “minimax.”
No, minimax does not refer to the old chain of grocery stores in the South. Neither does it refer to a feminine hygiene product. It is a “noun that means a strategy of game theory employed to minimize a player’s maximum loss.
This is the principle of minimax: assume that the worst may happen and act accordingly; remember that lightening always strikes twice in the same place. This is a basic law known to all successful gamblers. William S. Burroughs, The Adding Machine, Selected Essays, 1993.” Sunday’s Word of the Day – Dictionary.com
It was also the game strategy employed by the Arkansas Razorbacks against Texas A&M. But first, please have the following teams line up to receive The Poo Poo Undies Award. This award is given to the following teams for scaring the crap out of its fans and/or for just crapping out completely.
- LSU – Otto the Orange proved much harder to squeeze that originally thought.
- Texas Tech
- THE University of Texas
- Oklahoma State University
- Texas A&M
- Ole Miss – Really? Vanderbilt? BTW – Vandy, you get The Ugly Helmet Award. How many more designs can you put on a football helmet?
- Alabama – not exactly scary, but the Tide is still a bit low.
Please have all of the centers and kickers – yes field goal and punters – line up for The What’s the Point Award for missing crucial field goals and extra points or creating safeties.
- Otto the Orange from Syracuse
- Texas Tech
- THE University of Texas
- Texas A&M
The Most Points Scored Award goes to Baylor University. Yes, 70 to 17 is impressive, but it was still Rice. But given the way the other Big 12 teams are playing maybe it’s all gravy from here on out for the Bears.
The Duck Duck Gone Award goes to Oregon for losing to the soaring Utah Utes.
The Dumbass: Do Your Homework Award goes to the half-time announcer who asked “What’s a Ute?” The University of Utah uses Ute as a nickname with permission from the Native American Utes Tribal Council. In 1996, again with permission from the Ute Tribal Council, Utah introduced “Swoop” – a red-tailed hawk, a bird indigenous to the state of Utah.
Speaking of Ducks, the Tide Rolled over the Duck Dynasty from UL Monroe. The Tide still seems to be low and/or rolling out. Ouch – AP Poll Ranking – # 13 – with Georgia in Athens this weekend. UGA!
The Free Falling/Uncle Will Muschamp Defense Award goes once again this week to Auburn. This is what happens when your mascot is named after a dopy New England poet.
The Why Are You Still in the Top 5/6 Award is shared by TCU and Notre Dame. Really? I know the Frogs are injured and barely hopping, and you barely won
- On a botched snap by Texas Tech that resulted in a safety
- On a freak Tippy Tippy Bang Bang in the last seconds
- You almost allow The Band play with multiple laterals and
- Your defense allowed 52 points from an unranked team.
And Notre Dame? Just because the Pope has been in the United States does not mean you should be in The Top 10.
And to THE University of Texas – Yes, the refs were from The School for Blind and Visually Impaired; yes, there are still many burnt orange bright spots, but I must give the Horns the Streets of Laredo Award:
So beat the drum slowly and play the fife lowly and
play the death march as they carry me along.
The award for Does this Three -Point Margin of Victory Make my Ass Look Big? goes to TCU and Coach Gary Patterson.
Two individual awards this week: First to the Texas Tech quarterback Patrick Mahomes for heroic and knee hurting courage to give your all.
And to Leonard Fournette of LSU I am giving the Wow, You Are Fun to Watch Run Award. Could there be another Heisman Award headed toward the LSU Tiger trophy case?
And now may I have the final awards’ package?
Arkansas – the state that gives us Mike Huckabee and The Clintons.
Minimax – “noun that means a strategy of game theory employed to minimize a player’s maximum loss.
This is the principle of minimax: assume that the worst may happen and act accordingly; remember that lightening always strikes twice in the same place. This is a basic law known to all successful gamblers. William S. Burroughs, The Adding Machine, Selected Essays, 1993
Was this your coaching strategy, Coach Bielema? Playing keep away from the opponent’s offense almost worked. The thing about the hurry up and spread offensive is – when you don’t have the ball, the other team scores quickly and often.
The Assume the Worst May Happen Award goes to Coach Bret Bielema of Arkansas. The worst did happen.
The Poise under Pressure Award goes to The Fighting Texas Aggies.
Lighting Always Strikes Twice in the Same Place Award goes to The Fighting Texas Aggies.
So it wasn’t exactly an “ass-kicking in Dallas.” I guess you are saving yourself for the remainder of the SEC.
Stop Whining: You Lost – Maximum Loss Award goes to the Razorbacks of Arkansas. See you next year.