Monthly Archives: July 2014

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Thursday, July 31, 2014

The Griswalds leave on the family vacation today. In fact they should be picking up Aunt Edna around 10:30 this morning. There will be seven of us in the vehicle. I hope I am in the vehicle and not tied to the roof as poor Aunt Edna was in the movie. But please alert the Hill Country. We are headed to beautiful downtown Gruene, Texas. What happens in Gruene, stays in Gruene. Talk to you Monday.

Tuesday – July 29, 2014

Tuesday – July 29, 2014

IT IS LESS THAN ONE MONTH AWAY! Yesterday marked exactly one month until The Fighting Texas Aggies play the South Carolina Gamecocks to christen and open the SEC Network. Unlike other schools, that have a network, the SEC Network lets everybody watch and share in the revenue. But then again when you are a part of the best athletic conference in the nation, everybody wants to watch games of any sport. But when you are picked Number 4 in your conference behind your archrivals OU and BU and OSU, I suppose it makes it hard to watch your network. Factor in dismissals of rule breakers and it could be a long hard year on your network at least for your revenue generating sport. But stay strong, Strong, and bring the boys back to prominence. BTW who do you play on Thanksgiving Day now? Oh yes, TCU. The Aggies play LSU in the enlarged Kyle Field. Amazing what a Heisman trophy will do for your school. Right, Baylor?

July 28, 2014

July 28, 2014

Today marks the 100th anniversary of the start of World War I.If you recall, it was the war to end all wars. Well, that certainly did not work out, did it? One month prior to this day a group of anarchists decided to shoot the Archduke of Austria, Franz Ferdinand. As the open car travelled the streets, each assassination attempt was foiled. The assassination attempt was so botched that Gavrilo Princip decided to blow off the whole thing and go home. As he began his walk home, the open car with the Archduke drove right past him. He opened fire and killed the Archduke and his wife Sophia. That assassination plunged the world into a time that many historians now are calling the Dark Ages of recent time. Because of all of the alliances that were made between and among countries in Europe, once one country declared war, other countries joined in the fracas. Even though the shooting began in Austria-Hungary, Germany invaded France.The invasion of the wrong country would be repeated under the W Bush administration. But back to the story, the Germans implemented the Schlieffen Plan, so named after the General of the same name. This plan meant the German army would march through Belgium into France. This was not the first time the Germans used this plan. The Germans first went through Belgium on the way to France during the Franco-Prussian War in 1878. They did again in 1914 and they did it again in 1940. The last time they actually made it to Paris. One would think the French would have learned after three times. By September of 1914, both the Allies (England, France and Russia) and the Central Powers (Austria-Hungary and Germany), were at a standstill and had dug up most of France with miles of trenches. This gave the world terms such as “no man’s land,” “trench warfare,” and the phrase “All quiet on the Western Front.” It also gave the world a new weapon called the machine gun. Even when a “neutral” British ocean liner called the Lusitania carrying American passengers was sunk by a German submarine, the United States refused to enter the war. History has since shown that the Lusitania was carrying bombs. But then came the Zimmermann Telegram. Germany sent Mexico a coded message saying if you join us, we will return all the land you lost. This really pissed the United States off because what would it do without Texas? So On April 6, 1917, the United States officially declared war on Germany. By 1917 both sides were running low on soldiers. Russia decided to pull out and start its own revolution bringing the world an economic system called Communism. So with Black Jack Pershing leading the way, the U.S. sailed over and whipped Germany and Austria-Hungary’s butts. However, the winners screwed up the peace agreements and after a tentative peace, twenty-one years later on September 1, 1939, the whole thing started all over again. But this time it was called World War II. The carnage left behind by the end of World War I was staggering. By the end of the war, an estimated 10 million soldiers were killed. That averages to about 6,500 deaths a day, every day. That number does not count civilian casualties. So as you watch the news this evening and see all of the conflicts still ranging throughout the world, remember today was the day it all began in World War I.

Friday, July 25, 2014

Friday, July 25, 2014

Texsas our Texsas All Hail the Mighty State and to The University of

Texsas Fite! Texsas Fite!

I wonder who got fired over the media guide for the University of Texas. Below is the story as posted on the Internet. Just the facts as Joe Friday would say. And that phrase comes from what TV show?

“You would think that anyone handling media relations for the University of Texas football team would have the spelling of “Texas” down pat. Not only does the squad share the name with the great state, it says “Texas” on the team’s jerseys … and probably every single piece of stationery within their athletic department in Austin.
Still, when the Longhorns published their annual media guide online Thursday, there was a glaring typo; the footer on each page of player bios read: “” With as many eyeballs as there are on the storied Big-12 program, the typo was quickly caught and fixed by the UT staff. But not before linguistic sticklers and Sooners fans seized the opportunity to capture screenshots and mock the error.

In the wake of the blunder, the domain seems to have been purchased by an opportunistic Oklahoma fan to broadcast a fitting message on the Red River rivalry.”

I would continue writing, but I am laughing too hard. So, mighty The University, how does it feel when you are on the wrong end of an embarrassment? You certainly did enough embarrassing toward other teams when you were at the top. Remember those you pass on the way up are the same ones you pass on the way down. Just the facts, Ma’am! Joe Friday – Dragnet.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

From one bureaucrat to another. Of course the retention items are placed in archive boxes. Those boxes last a long time. They survived two agencies and two house moves. Not only are retention items placed in brown archive boxes, each box will be stacked according to Operating Procedure 703-02, Updated in 2006 with reference to Section 3, Paragraph 2, Subsections C and D. This reads that archive boxes must be stacked no higher than six (6) boxes in height. Failure to do so will result in a “no pick up” notice sent to your agency. In addition, all boxes must have file space within a range of 2 – 5 inches inside or the ability to easily place one’s hand inside the archive box. Boxes that do not leave appropriate space will be marked as “Non Deliverable” and cannot be filed and will be returned to the Agency. Failure to leave appropriate space in the archive box will result in a “Not Able to File” notice from the appropriate agency warehouse. All boxes marked Not Able to File will be returned to the sending agency. OK, some of that I made up, but there are indeed operating procedures for the storage of state archival boxes that include how high the boxes can be stacked. It is six boxes in height. And there is language about space within the box equal to a hand’s width. But as they say, deny it until there are pictures.
Archive boxes (600x800)

Speaking of pictures. I now have three boxes of photographs to sort through. If you knew me, my father, my grandfather, my aunt Thelma Myrtle, any of the traveling photographers who came our way between 1900 and 2013 or any member of my immediate family, there is a high statistical probability that somewhere in those three boxes I have a picture of you. Note: these three boxes do not include the photographs that have been labeled, filed and archived according to appropriate operating procedures and are identified and are stored in the closet. Therefore, I must research the appropriate operating procedures for archiving pictures. But more about that process later.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Good afternoon. I see where Captain Hairspray has declared war on Mexico. Wow. Risky Business starring Ted Cruz instead of Tom. Pardon the no post Monday. I have been dehoarding my new house and unpacking boxes. If you are reading this, I have found something to remind me of you. And let me tell you, some of the items are pretty scary! But I decided to dehoard before I am dead and family will not have to do it. Or least they will not have to do has much dehoarding. To efficiently dehoard, one must establish a process. There are many decisions that must be made. For example,” Do I really want to sort through this crap or just torch it?” I decided to go with the first option and went into project management mode executing this process.

1. Remove every box from the room. In my scenario, there were over 25 boxes of various sizes. Place them around your house. At this point, your home should resemble a hoarder. It is important to be focused in order to dehoard your home.
2. Examine the contents of each and every box. You will be surprised. More about the surprises I discovered later. Stay focused.
3. SORT! Pay attention here. There are two options at this stage. 1. THROW AWAY. 2. Retain. AND THROW AWAY. I know that is three, but there must be emphasis on THROW AWAY. Notice that RETAIN does not mean KEEP.
4. If you chose Option 1, to throw away, you must sort again using these three criteria: 1. Recycle 2. Shred and 3. And put that shit in the garbage now.
5. Using the three criteria, establish three piles. I suggest boxes for recycle, black garbage bags for the items to be shredded and white garbage bags for the items headed to the curb.
6. If you chose Option 2, to RETAIN, you must sort again using these criteria: 1. Recycle 2. Retain or 3. Keep.
6. Should you choose Criteria 1 to recycle, establish an area for all items to recycle or use the one you should have done in Step 4.
7. Should you choose Criteria 2, RETAIN, establish a retaining to be examined later area.
8. Should you choose Option 3, to keep, think really hard about if you really want or need to keep what you are looking at? What are you going to do with it and/or where can I store it?
9. If you make the decision to keep, it is imperative that you establish strict Keeping Criteria. Remember the goal: Go through your crap now or have your loved ones do it later. I offer these as examples of Keeping Criteria:
Criteria One – OLD AND TREASURED. These items are old, unique, and one of a kind, and must be preserved. These do not include your uncle’s bill from the urologist office in 1952.
Criteria Two – HOLY CRAP. These include items that make you think things like: “Oh I am so glad I found that before almost anybody else did.” Or “I did not think photo places developed photos like that.” “OMG, if I were in college when that picture was taken, I would have put it on Facebook. I am so glad we did not have social media back then.” And I am not talking about the college pictures when I graduated with the doctor degree, although there some items from then too.
Criteria Two, HOLY CRAP, is a critical decision point in the process. You can immediately create a bonfire and burn the box and its contents. Or you can place all of the items in a box, securely wrap it with duct tape and mark it with more red and yellow tape that reads Hazardous Materials – Do Not Open. This is the box we have all entrusted to our closest and dearest friends who promised they will destroy it when you die. My suggest is to invite those friends over, have plenty of alcohol available, laugh, love and remember. And then burn the box and its contents.

Friday, July 18, 2014

Friday July 18, 2014

On my goodness. The news is filled with reports of disorderly conduct, disturbing the peace, assault, robbery, assault and battery, illegal drug use, driving while under the influence, and public intoxication. What does it all mean? Why it means college football season is just around the corner. SEC Media Day concluded this week. I do not believe Kevin Sumlin was asked what types of flowers were in the flower bed when the quarterback passed out in one last spring. I supposed things could have been worse. It could have been Auburn’s QB. I have tried very hard not to write about college football until it is closer to August. But how about just a teeny preview? The University of Oklahoma is rated between number 6 and number 9, depending on which rankings you are examining. That is certainly going to make for an ugly weekend in October in Dallas for those travelling south on I-35 from Big D. Way to go Baylor!! The rankings have you and your new stadium rated between number 9 and number 13. How does an OU/BU weekend sound? I like it. The Texas Aggies are rated between number 16 and number 24. Those rankings are very kind by the pollsters who are obviously still resting on the proverbial Johnny laurels and very scary for a team whose defense looked like a bunch of arthritic grandmothers last year and can only improve. And who knows what evil lurks under the center for this years offense? I did not see the University of Texas ranked in any of the preseason polls. Talk about a drought in Austin. But I did see where Texas was prepared to offer Nick Saben between $12 and $15 million as a signing bonus and $100 million as salary. Perhaps if you had offered President Powers such amounts to leave The University, the For Sale sign would already be in his front yard. Could be a long year for the Horns. And last, but not least. Who is picked to win the SEC? Alabama.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Thursday, July 17, 2014

My sister doesn’t like it when I write about political topics. But sometimes, the Snark just slips out. Fair warning.

Dear Ms. Sarah Palin,

Please forgive the common, pedestrian greeting. Since you are the “one and done” governor of Alaska and the “one and none” Republican Vice Presidential winner, I did not know how to begin with the appropriate salutatory address. I thought ill-informed and agitator were a bit harsh and over used. I understand you are calling for the impeachment of the POTUS. How about we do some role playing? I will be Katie Couric and you can be you. Only this time, I will give you all of the questions ahead of time. And you may phone a friend, email a friend, text a friend and/or tweet a friend for any assistance you might seek. Question one. When you call for the impeachment of the President, are you representing the Republican Party or just those who like tea parties?

Now these next questions I got from one of my old 8th grade American history tests.
2. Where in the United States Constitution are impeachment proceedings addressed? Note: Page 456 in the back of the history book in not the correct answer.

3. For what reasons can the president be impeached? Note: Higher Order thinking skill – give an example of each one.

4 How many presidents of the United States have been impeached?

5. Can you give their names? What? Oh you know this? OK.Hmm. Sorry. While the number two is correct, the names are Bill Clinton and Andrew Johnson. Richard Nixon resigned before impeachment proceedings could begin. I believe both of the impeached presidents were associated with Radical Republicans.

6. What is the constitutional definition of impeachment? No. It is not the removal from office. It is the bringing of charges for impeachment. FYI – No child under the age of 12 knew what a blowjob was until the Republicans impeached President Clinton.

7. Who originates the impeachment process? No, I’m sorry. The American people is incorrect.The House of Representatives brings charges of impeachment.

These next questions are from me.
8. What is the party majority in the United States Senate? The reason for this question regards the process following an impeachment verdict. The U. S. Senate tries the case and has the power to remove an individual from office.

9. Do you have any one in mind to serve as Special Prosecutor? I think the guy who was the special prosecutor in the Clinton trial works at a Baptist university in Texas. I know for a fact that he has really good seats for women’s and men’s basketball in the Ferrell Center. And at graduation he gets to lead all of the faculty and graduates into the Ferrell Center wearing this really, really big gold necklace. It is really cool. So I do not think you have much of a shot at getting him back.

10. Are you familiar with the constitutional term ‘”lame duck?” No, not an injured or crippled fowl.

11. How much do you estimate an impeachment trial would cost the tax payers during a lame duck term?

12. Are you aware that your name spelled backwards is Nilap Haras?

Get back to me when your handlers have prepped you with answers.

Former 8th grade American history school teacher
Cc Tina Fey and Amy Pohler

Wednesday, July 16, 2016

Wacky Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Bet you can’t eat just one. Remember that tag line for Lay’s Potato Chips? I am thinking now it should be “Why would you want to each just one?” Did you see where Lay’s is testing two new flavors of potato chips? Cappuccino and Wasabi Vinegar. Really? Do you really want to eat Cappuccino chips with your bologna sandwich? Where was this test market? At a late night Asian fusion food court? And what were the participants smoking during the tests? What were Lay’s executives smoking when they thought – Hey let’s make some chips out of some really crazy flavors and see if the public will buy it. Why don’t you, as in the Lay’s Corporation, just go ahead and make a liver and onions flavor chip? Pack it full of iron and advertise it as medicinal for iron poor blood. Partner with Geritol and work the Medicare market place. Why don’t you make of beer flavored chip and then you can leave off the beer. I really do not see myself making a purchase of either flavor. I think Lay’s potato chips are the best in the world. If it is not broken, then don’t fix it. And do not serve Cappuccino and Wasabi chips at a party if I am attending. But perhaps you could send them on the space ship if Midland ever gets their FAA approval. Hey! What about prairie chicken flavor chips?

July 15, 2014

My Book Report

My book report is about The One & Only by Emily Giffin. It says it is a New York bestseller, and maybe people from New York liked it, but I did not. I heard it was about football. College football to be more exact. It is about a fake college somewhere in Texas called Walker and the mascot is a Bronco. I am thinking SMU and Peruna or whatever the pony’s name is because it takes place close to Dallas. Well, if you think a sentence like “We beat Baylor 21-0 to open the season and then I wrote my article” is about football, then read it. But there are many sentences that tell me it needs more football. For example, “the next week Walker prepared for Texas. I hate Texas.” OK that part is good. But how about sentences with Camp Waldemar and The Hockaday School as the descriptors of characters? Do they play football there? Here is one “I went to SMU and Barry went to Rice, but we both went to Highland Park High.” And then there are these. “We massacred UTEP to open our season at 2-0…” “…our first true test was Texas A&M next week. I hated the University of Texas the most, but in some ways I feared the Aggies more.” Well, the Aggies ran out of time in your story and Walker goes 3-0. At least you feared the Aggies. Oh yes, then there is the quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys – a Walker All-American of course and Heisman runner up. Then they all go to “a little hole-in-the-wall bar on North Potomac called the Third Rail.” North Potomac? In Texas? Wouldn’t Mockingbird Lane be a better street for hole in the wall bars? The Potomac is in Washington DC.

The bottom line of my book report is that it is not really about football. I do not believe Ms. Giffin is from Texas. Otherwise, there would have been more high school football, more college football, more scandals and more NCAA investigation and less falling in love.

My recommendation is that if you find this book at a half-price book store – or even better at a garage sale for 25 cents – and have nothing else to do for a few days, then buy it. The End.