Monthly Archives: September 2021

Monday, September 27, 2021 – My Monday After Saturday College Football – Week Four

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Monday, September 27, 2021 – My Monday After Saturday College Football – Week Four

Why do you build me up, Buttercup, Baby, just to let me down?…

Oh Baby, Why Baby? Why Baby? Why Baby Why? You make me cry, Baby, cry Baby, cry Baby Cry...

I’m still singing those songs and other funeral dirges.

My first Award today is the Celeste Award. It goes to the Texas Aggies – formerly known as the Fighten Texas Aggies. It is named after my friend, Celeste, who is 102 years old and said quite accurately that the Aggies played like “Ned, in the First Reader!” That colloquialism means “not experienced, lacking knowledge, skill or wisdom gained from experience.” So here’s to all the Neds wearing maroon and white. For goodness’s sake, it was your FOURTH game! Texas A&M 10 and Arkansas 20. Not even close, you Ned Heads! Whenever you play in Dallas, you succumb to Dallas voodoo and then play like doo doo.

Joining the Aggies taking home the Disappointment Award are the Clemson Tigers. Clemson falls after losing 27 to 21 to North Carolina State in double overtime. Could there be an Alamo Bowl for the Aggies and the Tigers?

OU 16 and West Virginia 13. Oklahoma wins a Poopy Undies and The Lost Heisman Award by kicking a game ending field goal to win. I also throw in an Ugly Win Trophy. Once again, the begging question – are you sure you are ready for the SEC?

Also receiving a Poopy Undies Awards are both Auburn and Georgia State. Auburn Autumn Bird comes from behind to win 34 to 24.

While we are at it, let’s give the Dogs of Mississippi State and the Tigers of LSU a pair of Poopy Underwear. See you next week State. We might be playing for a spot in the Tropical Smoothie Café Frisco Bowl in boring Frisco, Texas.

To the Baylor Bears I have several awards. First, a Kudos Award for knocking off the Cyclones of Iowa State 31 to 29. The Kudos Award comes with a Way to Go, Bears! Banner. The Bears also receive the Ugly Uniforms Award because you looked like a bunch of animated bananas.

I do have an Exploding Head Coach Award this week. It goes to Iowa State coach, Matt Campbell. He exploded over a referee’s call and peppered him with colorful language.

Seriously, Coach, I do not think it was wise to scream descriptions of the play as a gerund of sexual intercourse with male bovine feces while in Waco. Just because you are in Texas does not mean you can talk about bull poo poo.

The rest of the games were blowouts and receive a Rout and Trounce Award. If your team scored more than 50 points against the opponent, please pick up your award at the end of the half and put in the women’s field hockey team for the remainder of the game.

But as a loyal 12^th Man I faithfully say about the Aggies…

“I’ve seen them play since way back when,
And they’ve always had the grit;
I’ve seen ‘em lose and I’ve seen ‘em win,
But I’ve never seen ‘em quit.”

So we ain’t quitting. And it is going to be ear drum busting loud in Kyle Field.

Meanwhile. Stay safe. Get the vaccine.

Friday, September 24, 2021 – Snarky Friday – Week 4

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Friday, September 24, 2021 – Snarky Friday – Week 4

I apologize for Snarky Friday being delayed. I was outside checking on the pig that I am roasting in the back yard for tomorrow. It was time to turn it on the spit. I was listening to TUSK by Fleetwood Mac and just lost track of time.

Why don’t you ask him if he’s going to stay?
Why don’t you ask him if he’s going away?
Ay…
Why don’t you tell me what’s going on?
Why don’t you tell me who’s on the phone?
O-o-o
Why don’t you ask him what’s going on?
Why don’t you ask him the latest on his throne?
Hooga haaga hooga

Let’s start with the 11:00 hour and conference openers for:

SMU and TCU at 11:00 on FS1 – Ponies and Frogs and Rich Kids remember the Southwest Conference Days.

LSU and Mississippi State at 11:00 on ESPN – This could be an interesting match up between the cats and dogs. A fight for third place in the conference could be on the line.

Texas Tech and THE University of Texas at 11:00 on ABC. BEVO gets a tortilla stuck to his horn. Horns Up! And Guns Up! You really need to think about that Guns Up thing, but hey it’s Texas. When was the last time, Tech came into the game with a better record? As painful as it is for me to say it, Wreck ‘Em, Tech!

Notre Dame and Wisconsin at 11:00 on Fox. Stand up, Badgers and sing! And raise our glowing flame. This version of the song makes me want to grab a pennant, throw on a racoon coat, jump in a flivver and travel back in time to the 1920’s.

Clemson at NC State 2:30 ESPN – Oh Dabo. Oh Dabo. You really need to take care of the Wolf Pack.

Iowa State at Baylor at 2:30 on Fox – Cyclones on the Brazos at McClain Stadium. Sic ‘Em Bears! There have miracles on the Brazos before.

The evening hours are filled with many games. Here are two. You can Google ESPN as well as I can.

Alabama and Southern Mississippi at 6:30 at SECN. Ohh. The Tide Rolls in; The Tide Rolls out; The Tide Rolls in and they shake it all about. They do the Hokey Pokey, and they turn themselves around; That’s what it’s all about.

At 6:00 Tennessee visits the Swamp in Florida on ESPN. It might be rough for Rocky Top. CHOMP!

I’m sorry. The porkchops, bacon and ham that I ordered arrived. The pork loin and pork sausages should arrive soon.

Texas A&M Arkansas at 2:30 CBS. Why don’t you ask him the latest on his throne? Now seeking the latest on the throne we have The Average Texas Aggies against the pretty scary Arkansas Razorbacks. The fact that the game is in Arlington at Jerry World does not give either team a distinct advantage.

Oh Bull Crap! The game is on CBS. That means Motor Mouth Gary Danielson and the other poor guy who is trying to call the game. I thought the SEC got rid of you, CBS?

The live mascot for Arkansas is Tusk 5. A tusk is defined as a long, pointed tooth, especially one specially developed so as to protrude from the closed mouth, as in the elephant, walrus, or wild boar. So basically, the Arkansas mascot is a tooth on a wild boar with the tooth hanging out his mouth. This says a great deal about teeth in people and animals of Arkansas. The University of Arkansas does not have a dental school.

Before I go check on the roasting pig, I must pack my emergency kit for tomorrow’s game. Little Football that plays War Hymn. Damn It Doll. Plastic quart container for cussing (a dime for a single word and a quarter for multisyllable words), Five rolls of dimes and five rolls of quarters, Four Pepto-Bismol chewables. Four Peppermint-flavored Tums. Four pair clean underwear. One/quarter. One small oxygen tank, and these – Also one/quarter.

BTHO Arkansas and we shall see what the Aggies are really made of.

Monday, September 20, 2021 – My Monday after Saturday College Football Awards

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Monday, September 20, 2021 – My Monday after Saturday College Football Awards

Our first award this week is the Welcome to Aggieland Award. It goes to the numerous newcomers of the Brazos Valley who posted their fears on the Neighborhood Watch app when “Four 4 F 15 fighter jets, armed with missiles, just flew over. What is happening?” And a special award to those who replied, “You must be new. It is the Aggie flyover. It’s Aggie football weekend.” And especially to the Air Force brat who posted, “the jets are not armed with missiles. The bay doors are open.”

Note to the newcomers. That was the flyover for the New Mexico game. On October 9, the entire Texas Air National Guard is flying over Kyle Field, along with a blimp, three helicopters and a flying saucer when the Tide rolls in.

Speaking of The Tide, you need some Tide because you win Poopy Undies. You did avoid Swamp Fever, but it was too close for comfort. Florida Gators receive the Worst Execution of a Two Point Conversion Award. Alabama 31 and Florida 29.

Also receiving a Poopy Undies Award are the Sooners of Oklahoma. Obviously, Nebraska took the celebration of the 50 Year anniversary of the “Game of the Century” from 1971 a bit more seriously that the Sooners. Close, but no Cornhusker Cigar. Bama 26 and Nebraska 16. Note to OU: Your debut games for the SEC are not looking too good.

There were many blowouts. Here are a few.

TAMU 34 and New Mexico 0. Plus scared newcomers 5 and F 15 Fighter Jets 4. Jimbo said, “We are very average.” Yes, we are.

Baylor 47 Kansas 7

Rice 0 Texas 58

Missouri 59 SE Missouri St 28

LSU 49 Central Michigan 21

I listed the above teams’ blowouts because none of them will have a blowout again. So you all receive both Cupcake Awards and Hair Dryer Awards. THE University of Texas receives a Rice bowl. Remember this game TU when you play Vanderbilt in the future.

The biggest trophies this week are brought to you by the Optician Magicians and goes to the Officials. Specifically the officials who called the Mississippi State and Memphis game and the Penn State and Auburn Game. First award is the Three Blind Mice Award and goes to the refs for Memphis and Mississippi State. I am 72 years old and have had cataract surgery on both eyes and have never even called a Pee Wee football game, but I know that you cannot have two players with the same number on the field at the same time. FOUR! Granted, your educational systems suck, but one would think you can recognize two players wearing the same number Four!

But the worst was the obvious downing of the football by State but was picked up and run for a touchdown by Memphis. For Bulldog fans I award the Near Cardiac Arrest Award and a New Cussing Jar.

The officials in Happy Pennsylvania were not making the crowds happy either. From Referee School 101 – KNOW WHAT DOWN IT IS! .

Auburn 20 Penn State 28. Also, a Stadium Fashion Award goes to Penn State. The White Out looked great.

In conclusion I now introduce a new award called The Most Cobs Shoved Up’ Award for Incredible Skill at Ineptitude. Our first recipients of the award are the crew who called the Memphis and Mississippi State game. Cob Him!

Have a great week.

Friday, September 17, 2021 – Snarky Friday – Week Three

Posted on September 17, 2021 | 2 comments

Friday, September 17, 2021 – Snarky Friday – Week Three

Let’s start with a Big Snark.

Notre Dame plays Purdue sans big drum on the Notre Dame Network – aka NBC at 1:30. The 7 foot tall and three feet wide gigantic drum of the Boilermakers will not fit through the visiting team’s tunnel. And Notre Dame will not allow the drum to come through the home tunnel, where it would fit. This is the first time the drum will be absent from a Purdue All-American Marching Band since 1979. Well, that sure ain’t full of grace, Mary! What Would Touchdown Jesus Do?

It’s another tequila sunrise with the Aggies kicking off against New Mexico Lobos at 11:00 on SEC. This is usually the Bloody Mary Game, but given the way the Aggies played last week, I’m just going to start with tequila.

OU Nebraska Fox 11:00 – This is apparently a historic meeting with lots of memories and flashbacks. But Cornhuskers? This is not your Fathers OU! I understand the entire state of Nebraska will be in Norman.

I will not be watching Oklahoma State at Boise State in a visual display of mind- bending, psychedelic, eye hurting colors in high definition. Just say no to blue football fields. Go Cowboys.

Here are my games of interest for Week Three.

Baylor and Kansas 2:30. A Big 12 match-up on Big12|ESPN+. Yawn!

Alabama at Florida on CBS @ 2:30. Never trust a team from Florida. Bama will need “Run, Forrest, Run!” all afternoon.

Mississippi State at Memphis 3:00 ESPN2. This could be a real test of both teams. Give me Liberty Bowl or Give me State. I’m going with State. Maybe a we’ll see a Big Solid linebacker interception for a Bulldog touchdown.

FIU and Texas Tech at 6:00 on Big12|ESPN+. I will be glad when these teams quit playing teams I have to look up. East West South North spin off universities.

Tulane and Ole Miss on ESPN2 at 7:00. Tulane will be wearing their throwback greenie uniforms with a SEC Champions helmet sticker. All of the dates were before my birth, but I did not know Tulane was once in the SEC. Hotty Toddy Gosh Almighty!

The William Marsh Rice Institute for the Advancement of Literature, Science and Art will play THE University of Texas at 7:00 on the Longhorn Network. Actually the name was shortened to Rice in 1960 because that long name would not fit on a T-Shirt. Please show the Rice MOB (Marching Owl Band) at halftime. Somebody please upload to YouTube! Rice may not play football that well, but one never knows what the brainiacs in the MOB will do. Especially with the controversy of The University Eyes Song. And the Rice cheer: Go Owls? That’s it? That is all you have? Go Owls! You’re the Harvard of Texas! Not even a HOOT or a SCREECH?

Just a recent flashback memory for THE University, Arkansas had to come from behind to beat Rice in Week One.

BTHO New Mexico Lobos

GET VACINATED! Wear the mask. Gig ‘Em Aggies!

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September 13, 2021 – My Monday After College Football Awards

Posted on September 13, 2021 | 2 comments

September 13, 2021 – My Monday After College Football Awards

There were blowouts. There were upsets. There were near upsets. And it is only Week Two.

First, let us discuss field colors. Football fields should be the color of green grass. Not TEAL green. For Coastal Carolina, the uniforms and the field do not need to match. And football fields should never be blue. But you did break the Kansas winning streak of one in a row. Coastal Carolina 49 and Kansas 22.

The first award is The Hair Dryer Award for blowouts. Multiple recipients include the following:

Baylor 66 and Texas Southern 7
Oklahoma 76 and West Carolina 0 (not to be confused with Teal Green Carolina)
Alabama 48 and Mercer 14
Georgia 56 and University of Alabama at Birmingham 7.
Auburn 62 and Alabama State 0
Florida 42 South Florida 20

I have not been able to substantiate the rumors that marching bands, women’s basketball teams, or the men’s and women’s intramural flag football teams played the second half and last quarter of the above listed games.

Duck Duck Buckeye! My Blood, Sweat and Tears Award goes to the Oregon Ducks because You Made Me so Very Happy with your victory over Ohio State. I guess the O in Ohio stands for Overrated! Ducks 35 Ohio State 28.

Each of the following teams receive a Poopy Undies Award for nearly being upset.

A near upset goes to Tortilla Tech for the eked out victory over Stephen F. Austin. Tech 28 and SFA 22. Are there shirts, this week TT?

Holy Toledo! What were you thinking Notre Dame? You almost allowed Toledo to beat you. But Hail Mary you survived. 32 to 29. I’m sorry. Did you think I was going to give ND an award for winning?

And then of course to Texas A&M. You not only receive Poopy Undies, but your fans also receive the manual for Self-Administered CPR. It comes with an Oxygen tank on the side. It was like Deja view all over again. But these Aggies found a way to win. Zach you were a shining example of The 12^th Man. You stood ready to play. While we all hope King’s injury in not severe, I am confident and I back Zack! Let’s not do such things again though. Aggies 10 Colorado 7. The Big THANK YOU Award goes the Texas A&M Defense.

My last award is presented by the SEC Welcome Wagon along with the Cheryl Crow song, If it Makes You Happy. And the trophy goes to:

THE University of Texas. Texas, on behalf of the blowout by Arkansas, we’d like to Welcome you to the SEC. It just means more. More points scored too. Texas 21 Arkansas 40. Arkansas is a very good team. Wait until you meet the rest of us. Did you look at the blowout list?

Tell me again, Texas, why you are coming to the SEC? Oh yes, there is the ESPN money from the Extra Sports Payment Network. What are you bringing to the SEC? We already have a UT with ugly orange colors. But they have Peyton Manning.

I mean OU is bringing seven Heisman winners and seven national football championships TU is bringing two Heisman winners and four national football championships. Alabama alone has 18. Yes, double digits. How’s that for historical context?

If you were in the SEC on this day, you would be tied with Vanderbilt. Let’s all sing now. “Don’t worry. Be Happy.”

Last question for the Horns. What will you be bringing as the school song? Please let the members of the SEC know ASAP so we can get a parody.

Stay safe. Wear the mask. Watch out for Tropical Storm, Nicholas. Current weather predictions show it moving along the Texas Gulf Coast. Get your four basic storm preparations – Salty, Sweet, Alcohol and Chocolate.

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September 10, 2021 – Week Two of Snarky Football Friday

Posted on September 10, 2021 | 1 comment

September 10, 2021 – Week Two of Snarky Football Friday

Let’s talk about pants. I noticed last week that players’ pants are getting shorter. Kickers might as well be wearing spandex shorts. Receivers seem to have shorter pants too. More research is needed.

And Notre Dame? Those urine colored pants are bad in the first place. When you sweat the pants become even uglier. Other teams seem to have yellowish pants and do not seem to have an issue.

And THE University of Texas? You are going to need better pants in the SEC. We can see your butt. What is the thread count you are wearing? About a 10? So either get better pants or wear something underneath. While you are at it, you might as well get better uniforms for the SEC.

I see the Big 12 has issued party invitations to Brigham Young University, Cincinnati University, the University of Houston, and the University of Central Florida. Three felines (cougar, bearcat, cougar,) and a knight. The UCF mascot is named Knightro for the “Knight of Pegasus” and resembles a cross between a knight from days of old and a robot.

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is kinightro.jpg

The University of Central Florida was founded in 1963 as the Florida Technological University. The Pegasus became the school’s first athletic mascot in 1970, when UCF students voted and selected the “Knight of Pegasus” as their mascot over “Vincent the Vulture” which had been the university’s unofficial mascot.

And who but Texas Tortilla Tech to issue a welcome to the new schools by showing their sportsmanship, or lack of. The Red Raiders made t-shirts taunting the U of H about Tech’s come from behind win. Wait until you see what they can do with the goal posts.

Moving on to this week…

Great! All of the 11:00 games are teams I am not interested in at this time and can catch up during halftime reports. So to the teams I am interested. Getting my SNARK on, here we go.

UAB and Georgia at 2:30 on ESPN2. Georgia? Just pretend it is the University of Alabama not the University of Alabama @ Birmingham. Will you be bringing the offense this week? The UAB mascot is the Blazers. I’m pretty sure it means a dragon and not a sports coat.

Texas A&M at Colorado at 2:30 on Fox. The last time the Aggies played Colorado on national TV, one of those Detmers was QB. (Koy Detmer – RL? Did you know he is a coach at Somerset under Sonny?) The Aggies played like the women’s field hockey team from Our Lady of Perpetual Turnovers. I got mad and raced out of the driveway in the car and tore the air conditioning wall unit from the house. But now the Aggies are older in Boulder.

Mercer and Alabama on SECN at 3:00. Mercer is in Macon Georgia. On November 19, 2010, Mercer announced the reinstatement of intercollegiate football beginning in the fall of 2013. The university competed as an NCAA Division I, non-scholarship program in the Pioneer Football League in 2013, and is now a scholarship program in the Southern Conference. Reinstatement came after a 70-year hiatus; Mercer suspended football during World War II and did not revive it. The final game was in 1941. The Tide will Roll, and it will be a long afternoon for the Bears.

The Iowa Hawkeyes and the Iowa State Weather Patterns play at 3:30 on ABC in a big game. The Cy-Hawk Battle will be history making. For the first time in the 67-game history of the series, both the Iowa Hawkeyes and Iowa State Cyclones are ranked. They’re both in the top 10. This could be bigger than the Iowa State Fair.

At 6:00 on ESPN2, NC State and Mississippi State kick off. For the Elf and Big Solid and all the State fans, “Please remain seated for the entire performance. Go Dogs!

Oklahoma plays Western Carolina at 6:00. Sooner Schooner rights itself and Rattlers on. I find no social media broadcasts. OU probably wants to get act together in private after last week’s performance.

The Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks play Tortilla Tech at 6:00 on ESPN+. Ax ‘Em, Jacks!

LSU and McNeese kick off at 7:00 on SECN. Tigers come home and lick their wounds.

And last and certainly not least at 7:00 on ESPN, THE University of Texas and The University of Arkansas meet in old Southwest Conference and Big 12 rivalries, and a start a new soon to be SEC rivalry.

Wooooooooo. Pig. Sooie!
Wooooooooo. Pig. Sooie!
Wooooooooo. Pig. Sooie! Razorbacks!

In case you forgot how they call the pigs. Wait until you hear the cowbells in Starkville. Welcome to the SEC, BEVO!

BTHO Colorado!

Remember that night of September 10, twenty years ago? It was our last good night’s sleep. We shall never forget!

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September 6, 2021 – Happy Labor Day

Posted on September 6, 2021 | 5 comments

September 6, 2021 – Happy Labor Day

It’s My Week 1 Monday after College Football Awards Presentations

Our first award and the first of the season is the Poopy Undies Award. Poopy Undies Awards go to teams and their fans for being frightened of losing – Especially if the team is supposed to win big. May I have the football, please? The winner is Ooooooklahoma, where the Wave almost all swept across the plains. That was not a great debutant debut for you, OU, for the SEC. OU 45- Tulane 35.

Coming in at Number 2 in the Poopy Undies is Notre Dame. Obviously, all that glitters is not gold, but it was close.

Notre Dame 41 Florida State 38 in OT.

I will give a Shart Out Award to Texas A&M for trailing Kent State by only touchdown at half-time.

The next category is Yowzer WOWzer Contender Award. It goes to the teams that look like January Contenders in Week One. There is a tie for First Place. First Place Footballs go to Alabama and Georgia. Both teams showed Greatest Flashes.

Alabama 44 – Miami 13

Georgia 10 – Clemson 3

Speaking of Flashes (Get it??) The Third Place Football goes to Texas A&M. There were some Contender Flashes. The King is not yet crowned, but I didn’t see anything that Jimbo can’t fix. Aggies 41 – Kent State Golden Flashes – 10.

The Great Comeback Award is awarded to teams that come from behind. This award goes to the Bulldogs of Mississippi State to score 35 points in the second half for the biggest comeback in school history.

Also receiving The Great Comeback Award are The Guns Up! Tortilla School. The Red Raiders of Wreck ‘Em Tech came from behind to beat the University of Houston 38-21. It is nice that you continue and get these rivalries started for whatever your new conference is called.

The Faded Rose Bowl Performance Award goes to LSU. LSU 27 UCLA 38. Why are you Tigers even out there? It is the Pacific Ocean, not Bayou Pacific.

THE University of Texas beat Louisiana 38 to 18. You do realize that Louisiana is not LSU?

The Last Award is the Why There Needs to be More Female Architects.

The Uterus of Texas!

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Friday, September 3, 2021, The Post Pandemic Reprisal of Here’s What I’m Thinking

Posted on September 3, 2021 | 3 comments

Friday, September 3, 2021, The Post Pandemic Reprisal of Here’s What I’m Thinking

Back by popular demand, here is SNARKY FOOTBALL FRIDAY!

Granted NCAA college football began last week. We could have viewed Nebraska and Illinois in a No One Cares Unless You Went There Game. I am quite certain that a Texas 6A powerhouse high school team could have defeated either team.

And there were football games Wednesday and Thursday. And there is football tonight on Friday. You can watch live. You can record and watch. You can download. You can stream. You can Hula. You can Peacock. However you want to watch your team, there is a technology available.

But to refresh your memory, I only write about football teams I like and teams that play teams I like. And since I have grown older, there are fewer things I like, including football teams.

Nevertheless, let’s see a preview of the chosen few that we will look at this season.

In the bloody Mary morning game at 11:00, we have:

Oklahoma University @ Tulane, except the game is in Norman. Even though your mascot is The Green Wave, Tulane, it is difficult to play when giant waves have just ravaged your city and state. Please be safe and watch out for snakes – especially Rattlers.

Get the errands done because the afternoon game of the week at 2:30 features:

The Crimson Tide of Alabama and the Miami Hurricanes 2:30 on ABC. Water, water everywhere and oh the TIDE ROLLS on.

But don’t put down that remote because at 3:30 on FOX we have Louisiana and THE UNIVERSITY of Texas. New coach. New QB. Same old stuff.

Gather more snacks and drinks and get ready for a dog and cat fight at 6:30 on ABC between the Georgia Bulldogs and the Clemson Tigers. This is a big one right off the kickoff. UGA and DABO. Somebody’s going down.

Check in on FOX to see the score between LSU and UCLA. Talk about a class of cultures. Game is 7:30.

Of course yours truly will be tuned to ESPNU at 7:00 to watch the Fighting Texas Aggies welcome the Golden Flashes of Kent State to Kyle Field. To the Flashes: Be glad you are not playing Rice University. The Marching Owl Band (The MOB) would probably play a Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young song. Ouch!

The Texas Aggies have not played a down this season, but Jimbo got an extension and a raise. With all that science stuff going on at the RELLIS Campus, Jimbo will probably be preserved and continue to coach until he wins as many National Championships as Saint Saban.

Next week I shall discuss The Big 12 Conference, which was really only ten and is now eight. Don’t worry though. I see the Mormons are coming.

BTHO Kent State

Wear the mask. Do not ingest livestock dewormer. You are NOT a cow.