Tag Archives: humor

Friday, October 05, 2018 – The Friday Football Snark’s Schadenfreude

Friday, October 05, 2018 – The Friday Football Snark’s Schadenfreude

Let’s get this schadenfreude started with the word of the day!

Schadenfreude is a noun meaning satisfaction or pleasure felt at someone else’s misfortune. Let’s get the misfortune started early Saturday morning with:

Number 1 Alabama and number nothing Arkansas kickoff at 11:00 on ESPN. Tusk, the hog, will become Tusked, Miss Piggy by half time. The Tri Delt sorority flag football team will play the fourth quarter.

Also seeing lots of red on FOX it is the Red River Rivalry with #7 Oklahoma and # 19 THE University of Texas. “Murry, Murry, quite contrary, how many TDs will you throw?” Not happening, Sorry Horns.

Get the remote and set the screens for the 2:30 games. These are big ones.

Well, this one probably isn’t big to any groups save the fan bases. Baylor and Kansas State on FS1. Sic ‘Em Bears!

In a game of interest on ESPN it is #4 Clemson and number nothing Wake Forest. Wake Forest should pose no contest but you never know it could be Woke Forest.

On ESPN2 it is the number 25 Oklahoma State Cowboys and number nothing but always dangerous Iowa State. Mascots with names of dangerous weather patterns like cyclones or hurricanes should be banned. Also, Oklahoma State, please do not wear those ugly gray granny tights looking uniforms again. EVER!

But the biggest game of all is on CBS with #5 LSU and #22 Florida! GEAUX TIGERS! Mike the Tiger likes gator meat; tastes like chicken. I was taught early on to never pull for a team from Florida. The LSU/Florida would always be a three flasker for my uncles at the game. They would have a flask in each boot and one in each wives’ purse.

I made need the same number of flasks as Number 13 Kentucky and number nothing YET Texas A&M kick off on ESPN at 6:00. Big Blue Nation arrives in Kyle Field to meet Big Maroon 12th Man.

The University of Kentucky has three official mascots:

  • Blue — A live bobcat (note that in American English, “wildcat” generally refers to this particular mammal). He lives at the state-operated Salato Wildlife Education Center near Frankfort. Unlike the school’s two costumed mascots, he never attends games, because bobcats are very shy by nature and do not react well with large crowds.
    • If you were a wildcat living in Kentucky wouldn’t you be very shy with crowds too?
  • The Wildcat — A costumed student, he made his debut in the 1976–77 school year.
    • Anthropomorphic mascot. For the products of the Kentucky education systems it means “it ain’t real; it’s got on a costume; don’t shoot it.
  • Scratch — A later addition, he is a more child-friendly version of The Wildcat. Scratch wears his hat backwards, drinks Pepsi, and loves to party.
    • There is a child-friendly wildcat?

KU fans are not able to agree on the mascot’s name either. From the unimaginative and obvious fans the mascot is called “Wildcat.” From the Possible Pepsi sponsors the mascot is called “Scratch.” Why didn’t they go with Blue – the name of their live bobcat? Sorry, I forgot. It’s Kentucky. You may be ranked number 13, but the Aggies will always be ahead of you with 12th Man.

I would be remiss if I did not include The Battle of the Piney Woods between two of my sheepskin document deliverers- Stephen F. Austin and Sam Houston State. Holding degrees from both institutions, I really have no preference as to the victor. Both schools sit “’neath Texas pines, where we’ve found peaceful shrines and every month is May.” Guess I do have a preference. Ax ‘Em Jacks! ESPN3 at 1:00

BTHO Kentucky! WHOOP!

 

Friday, September 28, 2018 – The Snark Arrives

Friday, September 28, 2018 – The Snark Arrives

Listening to Fleetwood Mac’s – Tusk (love the drums) and making my grocery list – pork sausage; bacon, ham, chitlins, ham hocks, pig’s ears; pig’s feet. I am making breakfast brunch for the 11:00 games. Note to invited guests, I am kidding about the pig’s ears and feet. Let’s see who is on TV at that time.

On the SEC Network at 11:00 we have the # 1 Alabama Crimson Tide vs Louisiana. I think that means the Rajun Cajuns, but it could refer to the entire state of Louisiana. Oh well, they will still lose to Bama.

In a clash of orange (add orange juice to grocery) with their ugly orange anthropomorphic mascots we have Syracuse and Clemson on ABC.

ON ESPN 2 we find WVU couch burning Hillbillies and Texas Tech, Masked and Guns Up (you need to change to your mascot) Red Raiders. You can heat the thrown tortillas on WVU’s burning sofas when they win.

At 2:30 on ABC we have the Baylor Bears versus the Oklahoma Sooners. Let us pray.

Opposite the Bears and Sooners we find THE University of Texas versus K-State on FS1. Please Horns, do not blow this and look ahead to the following weekend!

On ESPN at 5:00 it is the Gators (are the Gators?) of Florida versus the Mississippi State Bulldogs. You know I never yell for a team from Florida, but will always yell for maroon and white with dogs as mascots.

On the Notre Dame network, NBC, at 6:30 we find Stanford and Notre Dame. Come on Cardinal (You know the mascot is a color or tree or a colored tree?) but come on smarty pants. Surely you can come up with some fancy electronic gadget or doodad to block out Touchdown Jesus. After all, the mosaic is on the library.

The Penn State Nittany Lions and the Ohio State seeds or fruits or whatever a Buckeye is, kick off at 6:30 on ABC. Is that what that stupid patch is on Ohio State’s helmets? Seeds? What is Ohio State going to do when no one can read cursive any more?

I will, of course, will be watching Ole Miss and LSU at 8:00 on ESPN with great, yet bittersweet memories. I will looking for you, Cousin Penny. Read yesterday’s post.

That’s it. Ready to go to grocery store. Wait. Seems as though I forgot one of my favorite teams. Well WHOOP! Texas A&M versus Arkansas plays at 11:00 am on ESPN in the neutral site of Dallas. Note to Razorbacks, there are no neutral sites when it comes to Aggies. We are everywhere.

I am sure the Razorbacks will bring their mascot. I believe the hog’s is Tusk. Why don’t you ask him if he’s going away? Just say that you want me. That’s right, Tusk, the Aggies want you!

Don’t forget champagne for mimosas and BTHO ARKANSAS!

Why don’t you ask him if he’s going to stay?
Why don’t you ask him if he’s going away?
Why don’t you tell me what’s going on?
Why don’t you tell me who’s on the phone?

Why don’t you ask him what’s going on?
Why don’t you ask him who’s the latest on his throne?
Don’t say…

Why don’t you ask him what’s going on?
Why don’t you ask him who’s the latest on his throne?
Don’t say that you love me!
Just tell me that you want me!

Tusk!
Just say that you want me
Just tell me that you

Tusk!
Tusk!
Tusk!

Tuesday, September 4, 2018 – Your Fashion Police Service Announcement

Tuesday, September 4, 2018 – Your Fashion Police Service Announcement

I am a graduate of the Austin, Texas Citizens Police Academy and a graduate of the State Office Workers Fashion Police Academy- SOWFPA.

This little known organization, SOWFPA, conducts evaluations at various conferences and gatherings throughout the year and pretty much everywhere else there are people wearing clothes. There are certain categories, including, but not limited to, the following:

  • Best use of fabric originally designed as upholstery,
  • Best use of wild patterns and/or colors on blouses and shirts for seizure inducing episodes,
  • Best floral arrangement displayed on a fabric,
  • Best use of fabric designed after a wild animal,
  • Best use of evening wear in a day time setting,
  • Best cocktail ensemble in a day time setting,
  • Best use of leather and not riding a motorcycle,
  • Best use of polyesters, and
  • Best thing on your head whatever it may be – hat, wig, extensions, beads, ribbons, bows, tiaras, feathers, glitter, etc.

Here’s what I’m thinking. Given my extensive experience in fashion evaluation, I am more than qualified to provide this fashion public service announcement. Ready?

Today is the day after Labor Day. That means NO white clothing should be worn. It is a well-known rule in the South known by all Southern Ladies that one does not wear white shoes, white pants, white, cropped pants, white shorts or white dresses until Easter. 2019. If I see you wearing white, it will be necessary to report you to the Fashion Police of Your Career.

This message was brought to you today by someone who wore their gym shorts, T-shirt and baseball cap to the grocery store this morning.

Friday, August 10, 2018 – Snarky Friday and Come Onward Northwestern

Friday, August 10, 2018 – Snarky Friday and Come Onward Northwestern

Thursday, August 30, 2018, our beloved Reveille VIII will be laid to rest at 8:30 AM. She will lie with the other First Ladies of Aggieland in the special area just outside the north end of Kyle Field.

And of course all of the Reveilles can see the scoreboard.

Thursday, August 30 – like we need one more activity in College Station that day. It is the opening game for The Fighting Texas Aggies football team. It is the debut for new coach Jimbo Fisher. The Fighting Texas Aggies welcome Northwestern State University Demons from Natchitoches, Louisiana.

Even at the early hour of 8:30 AM it is entirely possible that the attendance at Reveille VIII’s memorial could exceed the entire enrollment of Northwestern (10573) and Natchitoches Parish (18219). Of course I’m going! You had to ask?

Since many will be travelling from Louisiana to College Station and visiting Kyle Field I wanted you to know what the small crowd is on Thursday morning.

The big crowd – aka the ones standing and swaying in the stands in Kyle Field that evening will exceed the population of both the school and the parish and the surrounding parishes combined!

The game will be on TV on the SEC network. Those of you who live in Louisiana probably can see it since it is the SEC network and LSU is in the SEC. Unlike THE University of Texas that has The Longhorn network, the SEC shares with other teams. It also provides more programming and better commercials than alumni doing commercials for THE UNIVERSITY.

So I hope the Northwestern Demons get paid a huge share of the gate and television profits. I also hope the amount covers the medical bills because the Aggies plan to BTHO Northwestern.

Pics from Reveille Grave from theclio.com

 

Progress Report on the Proposed Re-creation of Neil Sedaka’s Calendar Girls Video

Wednesday, August 8, 2018 – Progress Report on the Proposed Re-creation of Neil Sedaka’s Calendar Girls Video

The Calendar Girls dance card is filling up quite nicely. Until we start official practices continue to sew and hot glue gun your costume and continue to work on your dance moves in the privacy of your home.

January, March, May and October are still available. And we still need a piano player. You know you want to see it again – like a wreck on the highway.

Unfortunately, January is now open. CS fell out of the choir box and her dancing shoes need to be put away for a while. We do hope for a speedy recovery. You must still participate by bringing your great sense of style, fashion ideas and of course your wonderful singing voice because I know some of us have experience in band take overs.

Joan A said she would love to be February but insists on wearing “winter clothes and a big heart.” February in Texas could mean any attire. Attire in Austin could mean anything.

March is still available. Gayla? I think you might have had a pants suit like March wears. If Gayla doesn’t respond, Karen K, March is yours.

April – Ms. Navasota is diligently sewing her Playboy Bunny outfit. I am ready to help if her sewing machine breaks.

May – I can’t believe the month of May is still available. Doesn’t anyone want to look like Joann Woodward in Three Faces of Eve wearing a 1950’s frock made from Butternick Pattern # 4589? The black and white stripe fabric design is a must. I missed the giant white bow on her dress in the video.

June –Congratulations Suzi. The month of June is yours since Knotts is still scared of you. K. Knotts did volunteer her talents from her drill team experience – The LongAgo LongViewettes to help us get a leg up. (Groan here). She’ll help us get our pictures in the Longview Society Edition.

July – Thank you Lea for being July. We trust you know how to handle sparklers. And remember as The Voice of Experience says – Don’t dance naked in the back yard with sparklers while drunk on New Year’s Eve.

August – I get to be August for the following reasons:

  • I can still point so there less downward gravitational pull (thank you trainers KQ and KB and 20 pound barbells);
  • Thankfully, both pointers are still intact; and last, but not least;
  • I have more experience wearing martyr boards with tassels and can do the tassel toss automatically.

September – Karen S gets September. You will look good in yellow. I hope there are not too many candles. Lea will be sparkling with fireworks so we must be careful. You do realize you have to dance on the piano, do a high kick and have the piano player look up your skirt?

October – “like Romeo and Juliet on Halloween” but in a really bad outfit. Who wants to be the Italian opera clown?

November – Martha, My Dear. You missed your chance. Kay took November. She gets to wear the 1920’s men’s bathing suit pattern.

December – BJ, December is still yours and you are correct. Neil seems to be a bit calendar challenged too. The winter months do seem to have more bikini outfits. With the exception of the Halloween clown, all of the “dancers” seem to show a lot of skin – especially for 1966.

Please know that CS was in only if she could wear the colors of the BCS National Championship. Since she is on the injured reserve and requested the BCS School’s colors, you can have January. CS would not look good in Crimson Tide colors and would never consider wearing any colors save purple and gold.

Tuesday, August 7, 2018 – Retirement Rules for Hygiene

Tuesday, August 7, 2018 – Retirement Rules for Hygiene

I know that many of you are retired or approaching retirement. That means you getting into the “old as dirt” phase of your life. Since I am experienced in retirement, as a public service I would like to offer some rules for retirement hygiene.

Retirement Rules for Hygiene

  • If you are unable to remember the last time you took a bath or shower, you probably need one. The smell you are sensing is probably you.
  • Brush your teeth at least once a day especially if you cannot recall the last time you brushed. This is especially true if you have teeth.
  • Change your tooth brush often. You do not know how many times the cat chewed on it.
  • During the summer months – even if you sleep in gym shorts and a T-shirt, it is not appropriate to wear them to the grocery store the next day.
  • During the cooler months – even if you sleep in sweat pants and a long-sleeved T-shirt, it is still not appropriate to wear the ensemble to the grocery store the next day. Just because the rest of the shoppers are in their pajamas does not mean you should be in yours.
  • Never wear the same T-shirt more than three days. Two days if you slept in it. This includes short and long-sleeved shirts.
  • Do not wear the same pair of socks for more than three days.
  • Change your underwear at least every other day.
  • Be prepared to change your underwear daily or hourly as needed.
  • Ladies, remember to shave your legs even though there is no reason whatsoever to do so.

I hope you find the rules helpful. Just remember “old as dirt” does not mean you have to smell like dirt.

Monday, August 6, 2018 – Football, Calendars and Wayne Newton Look Alike

Monday, August 6, 2018 – Football, Calendars and Wayne Newton Look Alike

Go Johnny! No Johnny! Johnny No Be Good! What a stinky debut for Johnny Manziel. You did set a record for the Canadian Football League however. I doubt four interceptions in one half was what you were looking for. But there are more games on the calendar.

I am not very good with calendars. I tend to look at the wrong month or even the wrong year. Those of you who recall my daze of working for the great state of Texas remember the times I had you check all my work for correct dates. If you had read a post from last week you would have corrected the August 26 date to August 30 for the first Aggie football game. I suppose that is just how anxious we are for football.

Back to calendars. I Googled “Songs about calendars” and Calendar Girl by Neil Sedaka showed up. This is from 1966. I am pretty sure it is the reason I am calendar challenged.

Before you watch the video, Here’s What I’m thinking about it. Starting with the pre-psychedelic calendar background, it makes me laugh each time I view it. Is it just me or do all the girls look like hookers? Especially August and December. Neil Sedaka looks like Wayne Newton. Maybe they are one and the same.

And the dancing? One would think that out of thirteen people at least one of them could dance to the beat. Heck, I thought I was a bad dancer.

I think I should get eleven girlfriends and we recreate the video. I get to be August because you know going to the beach in an animal print bikini suit with gold chains at the breasts is just my style. That would leave BJ for December (her birthday) Joan A – you get February, Ms. Navasota gets April. You will look great dressed like a Playboy bunny. Roomie, you can have November since it is your birthday. That leaves the remaining months for Jenny Lee, Nina, JP, Jann P, Beckie S, Kathy K, Kay W, Suzi S., Gayla, Killer Queen, KA and KB, Kay D W, JB, T, Natalie and anyone else that wants to participate.

All we would need is some feathers, a few sequins, some sparklers, some thrift store dresses and several bottles of tequila. We could do it in with one rehearsal- just like they did in the video.

Enjoy! From 1966 Neil Sedaka and Calendar Girl.

 

Thursday, July 12, 2018 – Texas A&M Cancels Entire Fall Semester

Thursday, July 12, 2018 – Texas A&M Cancels Entire Fall Semester – Good Bull

This is a headline today from the Department of fake news.

Texas A&M cancels entire fall semester to accommodate Thursday night football game in August.

Here’s what I’m thinking. This from Good Bull is every undergraduates’ dream come true. I think it is an excellent idea, Jimbo. I don’t think any SEC school actually has classes during football season, do they? Maybe Vanderbilt.

https://www.goodbullhunting.com/2018/7/11/17560924/texas-a-m-cancels-entire-fall-semester-to-accommodate-thursday-football-game-in-august-aggies-fake?soc_src=community&soc_trk=ma

Tuesday, February 23, 1836 – Texas History Told My Way

Tuesday, February 23, 1836 – Texas History Told My Way

On February 23, 1836 Mexican troops under General Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna entered San Antonio de Bexar, Texas and surrounded the Alamo Mission.

Davy Crockett looked at Commander William B. Travis and said “We’re gonna a need a lot more men.”

General Santa Anna gave the people behind the mission’s walls one more chance to surrender. Travis opened fired. Santa Anna screamed “NO QUARTERS! This meant kill them all. He then ordered the bugler to play DeGuello – The Death Song. The fate of the Texans was sealed.

On February 24, Travis sent a plea requesting more troops. It was signed Victory or Death. The reinforcements never arrived.

Thirteen days later on March 6, the Alamo Mission would fall into the hands of the Mexican Army and “no quarters’ and DeGuello would enter into the history books. The soldiers defending The Alamo achieved victory through death.

General Santa Anna then proceeded to employ military tactics and strategies so bad that even I can see the flaws. For some inexplicable reason he moved north, rather than southeast and then slowed his army, taking his own sweet time while chasing General Sam Houston. His map app must have really been bad.

Meanwhile, Sam Houston and all of the citizens of the town of Gonzalez were hauling ass south toward Harrisburg (Houston) toward the Gulf Coast.

As every Native Born Texas has imprinted on their brains at birth, we all know this story and how this story ends.

On April 21, 1836, the Texas Army, led by General Sam Houston defeated Santa Anna’s Mexican Army. The Battle of San Jacinto is considered one of the most important battles that changed the history of the world. Make sure you read that sentence. It changed the history of the WORLD.

Texas achieved its independence from Mexico and formed the free and independent Republic of Texas.

And now, the thought question you have not been waiting for.

Why did the Mexican territory of Texas want its independence from the Republic of Mexico in the first place?

  • White United States settlers were immigrating to the territory in record numbers.
  • The large numbers of immigrating white settlers were bringing their slaves with them.

The Republic of Mexico abolished slavery in 1829. Therefore, the white people were coming to Mexico illegally and committing the crime of owning slaves.

Don’t you just love historical irony?

Monday, December 11, 2017 – Tom Lehrer and The Roy Moore Victory Song – Vote Doug Jones!

Monday, December 11, 2017 – Tom Lehrer and The Roy Moore Victory Song – Vote Doug Jones!

Good Morning, Music History Class,

Today we will examine victory songs that for whatever reason did not become popular. Take for example, The Confederate Victory Song.

Cindy Lee don’t wring your hankie; I just shot me a Yankee

Tell the slaves to keep on working in the fields.

While still popular in certain parts of The South today, those four days in Gettysburg in 1863 put a damper on that tune.

But we have this never made it tune from April 1912 first recorded by Ice Berg.

Bon Voyage to you new Titanic; you’re the greatest ship on the sea; Bon Voyage to you new Titanic, say ‘Hello’ to the Statue of Liberty; We know with what your costing you’re unsinkable; to wish you a safe crossing is unthinkable

Another from the lost vaults of no victory songs include from 1937:

There’ll be a hot, hot time in Lakehurst, New Jersey when the Hindenburg lands today.

It has the great line:

All the way from Germany, you’ve flown her to us and we know that the motto was New Jersey or bust!

Ah yes, we have such great songs as “We’ll all be there to meet her When Amelia Earhart Circles the Globe” and the ever popular Custer’s Victory Song from Little Big Horn.

When the great satirist, Tom Lehrer recorded the following song first in 1953 in Boston and then with Songs Revisited in 1960 and again in 1966, I suspect he never foresaw or hoped to see individuals who still actually believe the world was better then. The 1960’s were violent enough let alone the 1860’s!

Dear Mr. Lehrer,

If you have a problem with I Want to Go Back to Dixie as the Roy Moore Victory Song, let me know.

Satirically, yours,

DrD

Dear Voters of Alabama,

Do the right thing and vote for Doug Jones.

Unless, you wanna go back to Dixie, as when “things were better” as suggested by Roy Moore.

From Twitter: Jesus said “Go forth and sin no more.” Not “Go forth and sin Roy Moore.”

Seriously concerned US Citizen with current voter registration card in Texas,

DrD

https://youtu.be/HAwhC_btAUU

The text and a sing along.

Well, what I like to do on formal occasions like this is to take some of the various types of songs that we all know and presumably love, and, as it were, to kick them when they’re down. I find if you take the various popular song forms to their logical extremes, you can arrive at almost anything from the ridiculous to the obscene, or — as they say in New York — sophisticated. I’d like to illustrate with several hundred examples for you this evening, first of all, the Southern type song about the wonders of the American South. But it’s always seemed to me that most of these song really don’t go far enough. The following song, on the other hand, goes too far. It’s called I wanna go back to Dixie.

I wanna go back to Dixie,
Take me back to dear ol’ Dixie,
That’s the only li’l ol’ place for li’l ol’ me.
Ol’ times there are not forgotten,
Whuppin’ slaves and sellin’ cotton,
And waitin’ for the Robert E. Lee.
(it was never there on time.)
I’ll go back to the Swanee,
Where pellagra makes you scrawny,
And the honeysuckle clutters up the vine
I really am a-fixin’
To go home and start a-mixin’
Down below that Mason-Dixon line.

Oh, poll tax, how I love ya, how I love ya,
My dear old poll tax.

Won’tcha come with me to alabammy,
Back to the arms of my dear ol’ mammy,
Her cookin’s lousy and her hands are clammy,
But what the hell, it’s home.
Yes, for paradise the southland is my nominee.
Jes’ give me a ham hock and a grit of hominy.

I wanna go back to Dixie
I wanna be a dixie pixie
And eat cornpone ’til it’s comin’ outta my ears
I wanna talk with southern gentlemen
And put my white sheet on again,
I ain’t seen one good lynchin’ in years.
The land of the boll weevil,
Where the laws are medieval,
Is callin’ me to come and nevermore roam.
I wanna go back to the southland,
That “y’all” and “shet-ma-mouth” land,
Be it ever so decadent,
There’s no place like home.