Tag Archives: humor

Monday, September 27, 2021 – My Monday After Saturday College Football – Week Four

Monday, September 27, 2021 – My Monday After Saturday College Football – Week Four

Why do you build me up, Buttercup, Baby, just to let me down?

Oh Baby, Why Baby? Why Baby? Why Baby Why? You make me cry, Baby, cry Baby, cry Baby Cry...

I’m still singing those songs and other funeral dirges.

My first Award today is the Celeste Award.  It goes to the Texas Aggies – formerly known as the Fighten Texas Aggies. It is named after my friend, Celeste, who is 102 years old and said quite accurately that the Aggies played like “Ned, in the First Reader!” That colloquialism means “not experienced, lacking knowledge, skill or wisdom gained from experience.” So here’s to all the Neds wearing maroon and white. For goodness’s sake, it was your FOURTH game! Texas A&M 10 and Arkansas 20. Not even close, you Ned Heads! Whenever you play in Dallas, you succumb to Dallas voodoo and then play like doo doo.

Joining the Aggies taking home the Disappointment Award are the Clemson Tigers. Clemson falls after losing 27 to 21 to North Carolina State in double overtime.  Could there be an Alamo Bowl for the Aggies and the Tigers?

OU 16 and West Virginia 13. Oklahoma wins a Poopy Undies and The Lost Heisman Award by kicking a game ending field goal to win. I also throw in an Ugly Win Trophy. Once again, the begging question – are you sure you are ready for the SEC?

Also receiving a Poopy Undies Awards are both Auburn and Georgia State. Auburn Autumn Bird comes from behind to win 34 to 24.

While we are at it, let’s give the Dogs of Mississippi State and the Tigers of LSU a pair of Poopy Underwear. See you next week State. We might be playing for a spot in the Tropical Smoothie Café Frisco Bowl in boring Frisco, Texas.

To the Baylor Bears I have several awards. First, a Kudos Award for knocking off the Cyclones of Iowa State 31 to 29. The Kudos Award comes with a Way to Go, Bears! Banner. The Bears also receive the Ugly Uniforms Award because you looked like a bunch of animated bananas.

I do have an Exploding Head Coach Award this week. It goes to Iowa State coach, Matt Campbell. He exploded over a referee’s call and peppered him with colorful language.

Seriously, Coach, I do not think it was wise to scream descriptions of the play as a gerund of sexual intercourse with male bovine feces while in Waco. Just because you are in Texas does not mean you can talk about bull poo poo.

The rest of the games were blowouts and receive a Rout and Trounce Award. If your team scored more than 50 points against the opponent, please pick up your award at the end of the half and put in the women’s field hockey team for the remainder of the game.

But as a loyal 12th Man I faithfully say about the Aggies…

“I’ve seen them play since way back when,
And they’ve always had the grit;
I’ve seen ‘em lose and I’ve seen ‘em win,
But I’ve never seen ‘em quit.”

So we ain’t quitting. And it is going to be ear drum busting loud in Kyle Field.

Meanwhile. Stay safe. Get the vaccine.

Friday, September 24, 2021 – Snarky Friday – Week 4

Friday, September 24, 2021 – Snarky Friday – Week 4

I apologize for Snarky Friday being delayed. I was outside checking on the pig that I am roasting in the back yard for tomorrow. It was time to turn it on the spit. I was listening to TUSK by Fleetwood Mac and just lost track of time.

Why don’t you ask him if he’s going to stay?
Why don’t you ask him if he’s going away?
Ay…
Why don’t you tell me what’s going on?
Why don’t you tell me who’s on the phone?
O-o-o
Why don’t you ask him what’s going on?
Why don’t you ask him the latest on his throne?
Hooga haaga hooga

Let’s start with the 11:00 hour and conference openers for:

SMU and TCU at 11:00 on FS1 – Ponies and Frogs and Rich Kids remember the Southwest Conference Days.

LSU and Mississippi State at 11:00 on ESPN – This could be an interesting match up between the cats and dogs. A fight for third place in the conference could be on the line.

Texas Tech and THE University of Texas at 11:00 on ABC. BEVO gets a tortilla stuck to his horn. Horns Up! And Guns Up! You really need to think about that Guns Up thing, but hey it’s Texas.  When was the last time, Tech came into the game with a better record? As painful as it is for me to say it, Wreck ‘Em, Tech!

Notre Dame and Wisconsin at 11:00 on Fox.  Stand up, Badgers and sing! And raise our glowing flame. This version of the song makes me want to grab a pennant, throw on a racoon coat, jump in a flivver and travel back in time to the 1920’s.

Clemson at NC State 2:30 ESPN – Oh Dabo. Oh Dabo. You really need to take care of the Wolf Pack.

Iowa State at Baylor at 2:30 on Fox – Cyclones on the Brazos at McClain Stadium. Sic ‘Em Bears! There have miracles on the Brazos before.

The evening hours are filled with many games. Here are two. You can Google ESPN as well as I can.

Alabama and Southern Mississippi at 6:30 at SECN. Ohh. The Tide Rolls in; The Tide Rolls out; The Tide Rolls in and they shake it all about. They do the Hokey Pokey, and they turn themselves around; That’s what it’s all about.

At 6:00 Tennessee visits the Swamp in Florida on ESPN. It might be rough for Rocky Top. CHOMP!

I’m sorry. The porkchops, bacon and ham that I ordered arrived. The pork loin and pork sausages should arrive soon.

Texas A&M Arkansas at 2:30 CBS. Why don’t you ask him the latest on his throne? Now seeking the latest on the throne we have The Average Texas Aggies against the pretty scary Arkansas Razorbacks. The fact that the game is in Arlington at Jerry World does not give either team a distinct advantage.

Oh Bull Crap! The game is on CBS. That means Motor Mouth Gary Danielson and the other poor guy who is trying to call the game. I thought the SEC got rid of you, CBS?

The live mascot for Arkansas is Tusk 5. A tusk is defined as a long, pointed tooth, especially one specially developed so as to protrude from the closed mouth, as in the elephant, walrus, or wild boar. So basically, the Arkansas mascot is a tooth on a wild boar with the tooth hanging out his mouth. This says a great deal about teeth in people and animals of Arkansas. The University of Arkansas does not have a dental school.

Before I go check on the roasting pig, I must pack my emergency kit for tomorrow’s game. Little Football that plays War Hymn. Damn It Doll. Plastic quart container for cussing (a dime for a single word and a quarter for multisyllable words), Five rolls of dimes and five rolls of quarters, Four Pepto-Bismol chewables. Four Peppermint-flavored Tums. Four pair clean underwear. One/quarter. One small oxygen tank, and these – Also one/quarter.

BTHO Arkansas and we shall see what the Aggies are really made of.

Monday, September 20, 2021 – My Monday after Saturday College Football Awards

Monday, September 20, 2021 – My Monday after Saturday College Football Awards

Our first award this week is the Welcome to Aggieland Award. It goes to the numerous newcomers of the Brazos Valley who posted their fears on the Neighborhood Watch app when “Four 4 F 15 fighter jets, armed with missiles, just flew over. What is happening?” And a special award to those who replied, “You must be new. It is the Aggie flyover. It’s Aggie football weekend.” And especially to the Air Force brat who posted, “the jets are not armed with missiles. The bay doors are open.”

Note to the newcomers. That was the flyover for the New Mexico game. On October 9, the entire Texas Air National Guard is flying over Kyle Field, along with a blimp, three helicopters and a flying saucer when the Tide rolls in.

Speaking of The Tide, you need some Tide because you win Poopy Undies. You did avoid Swamp Fever, but it was too close for comfort. Florida Gators receive the Worst Execution of a Two Point Conversion Award. Alabama 31 and Florida 29.

Also receiving a Poopy Undies Award are the Sooners of Oklahoma. Obviously, Nebraska took the celebration of the 50 Year anniversary of the “Game of the Century” from 1971 a bit more seriously that the Sooners. Close, but no Cornhusker Cigar. Bama 26 and Nebraska 16. Note to OU: Your debut games for the SEC are not looking too good.

There were many blowouts. Here are a few.

TAMU 34 and New Mexico 0. Plus scared newcomers 5 and F 15 Fighter Jets 4. Jimbo said, “We are very average.”  Yes, we are.

Baylor 47 Kansas 7

Rice 0 Texas 58

Missouri 59 SE Missouri St 28

LSU 49 Central Michigan 21

I listed the above teams’ blowouts because none of them will have a blowout again. So you all receive both Cupcake Awards and Hair Dryer Awards. THE University of Texas receives a Rice bowl.  Remember this game TU when you play Vanderbilt in the future.

The biggest trophies this week are brought to you by the Optician Magicians and goes to the Officials. Specifically the officials who called the Mississippi State and Memphis game and the Penn State and Auburn Game. First award is the Three Blind Mice Award and goes to the refs for Memphis and Mississippi State. I am 72 years old and have had cataract surgery on both eyes and have never even called a Pee Wee football game, but I know that you cannot have two players with the same number on the field at the same time. FOUR! Granted, your educational systems suck, but one would think you can recognize two players wearing the same number Four!

But the worst was the obvious downing of the football by State but was picked up and run for a touchdown by Memphis.  For Bulldog fans I award the Near Cardiac Arrest Award and a New Cussing Jar.

The officials in Happy Pennsylvania were not making the crowds happy either. From Referee School 101 – KNOW WHAT DOWN IT IS! .

Auburn 20 Penn State 28. Also, a Stadium Fashion Award goes to Penn State. The White Out looked great.

In conclusion I now introduce a new award called The Most Cobs Shoved Up’ Award for Incredible Skill at Ineptitude.  Our first recipients of the award are the crew who called the Memphis and Mississippi State game. Cob Him!

Have a great week.

Friday, September 17, 2021 – Snarky Friday – Week Three

Friday, September 17, 2021 – Snarky Friday – Week Three

Let’s start with a Big Snark.

Notre Dame plays Purdue sans big drum on the Notre Dame Network – aka NBC at 1:30. The 7 foot tall and three feet wide gigantic drum of the Boilermakers will not fit through the visiting team’s tunnel. And Notre Dame will not allow the drum to come through the home tunnel, where it would fit. This is the first time the drum will be absent from a Purdue All-American Marching Band since 1979. Well, that sure ain’t full of grace, Mary!  What Would Touchdown Jesus Do?

It’s another tequila sunrise with the Aggies kicking off against New Mexico Lobos at 11:00 on SEC. This is usually the Bloody Mary Game, but given the way the Aggies played last week, I’m just going to start with tequila.

OU Nebraska Fox 11:00 – This is apparently a historic meeting with lots of memories and flashbacks. But Cornhuskers? This is not your Fathers OU! I understand the entire state of Nebraska will be in Norman.

I will not be watching Oklahoma State at Boise State in a visual display of mind- bending, psychedelic, eye hurting colors in high definition. Just say no to blue football fields. Go Cowboys.

Here are my games of interest for Week Three.

Baylor and Kansas 2:30. A Big 12 match-up on Big12|ESPN+.  Yawn!

 Alabama at Florida on CBS @ 2:30. Never trust a team from Florida. Bama will need “Run, Forrest, Run!” all afternoon.

Mississippi State at Memphis 3:00 ESPN2. This could be a real test of both teams. Give me Liberty Bowl or Give me State. I’m going with State. Maybe a we’ll see a Big Solid linebacker interception for a Bulldog touchdown.

FIU and Texas Tech at 6:00 on Big12|ESPN+. I will be glad when these teams quit playing teams I have to look up. East West South North spin off universities.

Tulane and Ole Miss on ESPN2 at 7:00. Tulane will be wearing their throwback greenie uniforms with a SEC Champions helmet sticker. All of the dates were before my birth, but I did not know Tulane was once in the SEC. Hotty Toddy Gosh Almighty!

The William Marsh Rice Institute for the Advancement of Literature, Science and Art will play THE University of Texas at 7:00 on the Longhorn Network. Actually the name was shortened to Rice in 1960 because that long name would not fit on a T-Shirt. Please show the Rice MOB (Marching Owl Band) at halftime. Somebody please upload to YouTube! Rice may not play football that well, but one never knows what the brainiacs in the MOB will do. Especially with the controversy of The University Eyes Song. And the Rice cheer: Go Owls? That’s it? That is all you have? Go Owls! You’re the Harvard of Texas! Not even a HOOT or a SCREECH?

Just a recent flashback memory for THE University, Arkansas had to come from behind to beat Rice in Week One.

BTHO New Mexico Lobos

GET VACINATED! Wear the mask. Gig ‘Em Aggies!

September 10, 2021 – Week Two of Snarky Football Friday

September 10, 2021 – Week Two of Snarky Football Friday

Let’s talk about pants. I noticed last week that players’ pants are getting shorter. Kickers might as well be wearing spandex shorts. Receivers seem to have shorter pants too. More research is needed.

And Notre Dame? Those urine colored pants are bad in the first place. When you sweat the pants become even uglier. Other teams seem to have yellowish pants and do not seem to have an issue.

And THE University of Texas? You are going to need better pants in the SEC. We can see your butt. What is the thread count you are wearing? About a 10? So either get better pants or wear something underneath. While you are at it, you might as well get better uniforms for the SEC.

I see the Big 12 has issued party invitations to Brigham Young University, Cincinnati University, the University of Houston, and the University of Central Florida. Three felines (cougar, bearcat, cougar,) and a knight. The UCF mascot is named Knightro for the “Knight of Pegasus” and resembles a cross between a knight from days of old and a robot. 

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is kinightro.jpg

The University of Central Florida was founded in 1963 as the Florida Technological University. The Pegasus became the school’s first athletic mascot in 1970, when UCF students voted and selected the “Knight of Pegasus” as their mascot over “Vincent the Vulture” which had been the university’s unofficial mascot.

And who but Texas Tortilla Tech to issue a welcome to the new schools by showing their sportsmanship, or lack of. The Red Raiders made t-shirts taunting the U of H about Tech’s come from behind win. Wait until you see what they can do with the goal posts.

Moving on to this week…

Great! All of the 11:00 games are teams I am not interested in at this time and can catch up during halftime reports. So to the teams I am interested. Getting my SNARK on, here we go.

UAB and Georgia at 2:30 on ESPN2. Georgia? Just pretend it is the University of Alabama not the University of Alabama @ Birmingham. Will you be bringing the offense this week? The UAB mascot is the Blazers. I’m pretty sure it means a dragon and not a sports coat.

Texas A&M at Colorado at 2:30 on Fox. The last time the Aggies played Colorado on national TV, one of those Detmers was QB. (Koy Detmer – RL? Did you know he is a coach at Somerset under Sonny?) The Aggies played like the women’s field hockey team from Our Lady of Perpetual Turnovers. I got mad and raced out of the driveway in the car and tore the air conditioning wall unit from the house. But now the Aggies are older in Boulder.

Mercer and Alabama on SECN at 3:00. Mercer is in Macon Georgia. On November 19, 2010, Mercer announced the reinstatement of intercollegiate football beginning in the fall of 2013. The university competed as an NCAA Division I, non-scholarship program in the Pioneer Football League in 2013, and is now a scholarship program in the Southern Conference. Reinstatement came after a 70-year hiatus; Mercer suspended football during World War II and did not revive it. The final game was in 1941. The Tide will Roll, and it will be a long afternoon for the Bears.

The Iowa Hawkeyes and the Iowa State Weather Patterns play at 3:30 on ABC in a big game. The Cy-Hawk Battle will be history making. For the first time in the 67-game history of the series, both the Iowa Hawkeyes and Iowa State Cyclones are ranked. They’re both in the top 10. This could be bigger than the Iowa State Fair.

At 6:00 on ESPN2, NC State and Mississippi State kick off. For the Elf and Big Solid and all the State fans, “Please remain seated for the entire performance. Go Dogs!

Oklahoma plays Western Carolina at 6:00.  Sooner Schooner rights itself and Rattlers on.  I find no social media broadcasts. OU probably wants to get act together in private after last week’s performance.

The Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks play Tortilla Tech at 6:00 on ESPN+. Ax ‘Em, Jacks!

LSU and McNeese kick off at 7:00 on SECN. Tigers come home and lick their wounds.

And last and certainly not least at 7:00 on ESPN, THE University of Texas and The University of Arkansas meet in old Southwest Conference and Big 12 rivalries, and a start a new soon to be SEC rivalry.  

Wooooooooo. Pig. Sooie!
Wooooooooo. Pig. Sooie!
Wooooooooo. Pig. Sooie! Razorbacks!

In case you forgot how they call the pigs. Wait until you hear the cowbells in Starkville. Welcome to the SEC, BEVO!

BTHO Colorado!

Remember that night of September 10, twenty years ago? It was our last good night’s sleep. We shall never forget!

Wednesday, August 14, 2019 – When Histamines Attack! Or Vicks to the Rescue and More!

Wednesday, August 14, 2019 – When Histamines Attack! Or Vicks to the Rescue and More!

Good Day! I am here today with my colleague Dr. Pepper, and we are presenting a public service announcement with information learned recently when the histamines attacked.

Recently, the Histamines, from the Isthmus of Histamonia, attacked my nasal passages, my throat, my lungs, my eyes, and probably other body parts I was not aware of. In a frantic search I immediately ingested all types of ANTI histamines including the jar of Vicks Vapor Rub to rid myself of my inner mucus.

In so doing and being bored, but between nose blowing and coughing, I found the following website that should be essential knowledge to all regarding Histamines and other forms microbes that attack the human body.

There are 40 uses listed, but I only list My Twelve Favorites.

http://www.shareably.net/vicks-vaporub-problems-solve/

Today, you will be able to list at least twelve major uses of Vicks as defined below. Then for your assessment of understanding, we will draw a random number and you must demonstrate the corresponding use of Vicks. To receive credit for this online class, you must send a pic of you demonstrating the number of use drawn. Ready? My comments are in italics.

  1. Chest Rub – Rub Vicks on your chest when congested. We all know this works. The research of The Big Bang Theory’s Dr. Sheldon Cooper and Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler support the hypothesis that use of Vicks on the chest and the singing of Soft Kitty hastens wellness and decreases mucus.
  2. Night coughs – Rub Vicks on the bottom of your feet and then put on socks to prevent night coughing. Research indicates this works, but so does a shot of Nyquil and why does it not work in the daytime to stop coughing?
  3. Neosporin replacement – If you run out of Neosporin, use VapoRub as a replacement. Spread a thin layer around the wounded area (splinters, cuts, etc.) to help accelerate the healing process. It also helps protect against germs and bacteria. Number one – why are you out of Neosporin?
  4. Treat acne – You can put some VapoRub on your pimples, acne, or other blemishes and leave it on overnight. When you wash it off in the morning your blemish should be gone. Try this remedy of other skin treatments aren’t working for you. If you have to use Vicks for acne treatment, call 1-555-Dermatolgist.
  5. Fight toenail fungus Thymol is one of the main ingredients in Vicks VapoRub and is great for blocking the growth of fungus because of its antiseptic, antimicrobial and antibacterial properties. All you have to do is rub some of it on the bed of your nail and toenail to get rid of the fungus. It does not say how long this routine is carried out. Wear socks until it goes away.
  6. As bug repellent – Apply a thin layer of VapoRub to exposed skin, and it will repel annoying insects like mosquitoes. This is perfect for camping or when traveling through humid areas. The strong scent will deter bugs from coming your way. It will also keep others from coming your way. Just stay indoors.
  7. Want to get rid of fat and cellulite? – Apply some VapoRub mixed with camphor, baking soda, and a little bit of alcohol. Rub this mixture on the area you want to slim down and cover it with plastic wrap. Do you drink the alcohol or mix it with the Vicks?
  8. Relieve sore muscles – The menthol in Vicks can help to not only offer a refreshing cool to your skin, but it can also help to improve your blood circulation. After physical activity, just grab some Vicks and rub it onto any areas that are experiencing soreness. This should provide relief and comfort to any painful areas. If you don’t want to smell like Ben Gay or Walter, this could be an alternate smell.
  9. Keep your horse focused – If you ride horses, listen up. You can keep a horse from getting distracted by the scent of female horses by applying some VapoRub under his nose. No need to let mating season stop you from going on a ride. No one likes a distracted horse. I wonder if it works on men?
  10. Get rid of warts – Have a nasty wart that suddenly appeared? No problem. Apply VapoRub to your warts twice a day for two weeks. Cover the area with gauze in between until the wart disappears. It also helps if you go outside, face the East, bury an unwashed potato at midnight and turn around three times.
  11. Hide bad smells – Everyday life can build up into some bad smells. Whether it’s from a baby’s diaper or taking out the trash, relieve the bad smell by making your own Vick’s air freshener or applying some under your nose. Your sinuses will thank you. Remember? Clarisse did this in Silence of the Lambs?
  12. Treat hemorrhoids – Hopefully you won’t have to use Vick’s VapoRub for this reason. But fun fact, for small, itchy hemorrhoids, apply Vick’s on there and let the menthol drown out the itch. But make sure to know if you can tolerate the burn first by testing Vick’s on another part of your body. WTH!

Now for your assessment. The number drawn is …

Sorry. The number drawn is Number 12. Please make a video of your face upon application! PLEASE!!!

Wednesday, July 31, 2019 – “At the End of Regulation…”

Wednesday, July 31, 2019 – “At the End of Regulation…”

I just love a barbershop quartet – especially a smack talking foursome. I think I will hire these guys for Snarky Football Fridays. Consider today official Snarky Football Fridays practice.

This is a video you will want to watch several times to catch it all.  Be sure to watch the quartet’s lapel buttons.

Let’s sing along – four part harmony only!

“…Alabama! Alabama! Since Saban came…”

GIG ‘EM AGGIES! “At the end of regulation …”

https://youtu.be/AG3aeeBUp9c

 

Friday, June 7, 2019 – Do You Ever Wonder?

Friday, June 7, 2019 – Do You Ever Wonder?

Do you ever wonder what the crime lab team would say if they had to come into your house if you had an accident while you were away?

Here’s what I’m thinking they might say upon entering my house.

  • Ooh, PHEW! She has a cat!
  • Not much of a house keeper, was she?
  • Did she have a date or is she just lazy and doesn’t pick her clothes up off of the floor? (I think we all know the answer to this one.)
  • Help, me! I’m stuck in the kitchen. To the floor!
  • Well, she did make her bed!

Stay cool this weekend. In Texas the weekend weather forecasts just post pictures of the hinges of Hell. Then again, God gave the Devil the choice of where to live – Hell or Texas in the summer. Heat index could be 107 degrees.

Wednesday, March 27, 2019 – Notre Dame? Howdy! We Are Back!

Wednesday, March 27, 2019 – Notre Dame? Howdy! We Are Back!

Flashback: March 2018, March Madness, Women’s Sweet 16 Match-up, Texas A&M and Notre Dame

We are headed toward a déjà vu weekend. Last year Texas  A&M lost to Notre Dame by six points in the Sweet 16 round of the NCAA Division I Women’s Basketball Tournament.

This year I have composed a lyric sung to the American folk song “When Irish Eyes Are Smiling” that I hope helps this weekend. Feel free to sing along. Even better if you can do an Irish tenor with an Irish accent.

When Irish eyes are blinded

By the Aggies’ maroon and white

You can hear the Twelfth Man yelling

We’ve just begun to fight.

 

Will Muffet fall off her stillettos

As Carter take charge of the ball?

We shall see you in Chicago

The Aggies are coming to call!

 

When Aggie hearts are happy

All the world sings Hullabaloo,

For when Aggie hearts are happy

We are WHOOPING it up for you!

Whoop Barn – Highway 6 north – Photo by me.

BTHO Notre Dame!!!

Friday, October 05, 2018 – The Friday Football Snark’s Schadenfreude

Friday, October 05, 2018 – The Friday Football Snark’s Schadenfreude

Let’s get this schadenfreude started with the word of the day!

Schadenfreude is a noun meaning satisfaction or pleasure felt at someone else’s misfortune. Let’s get the misfortune started early Saturday morning with:

Number 1 Alabama and number nothing Arkansas kickoff at 11:00 on ESPN. Tusk, the hog, will become Tusked, Miss Piggy by half time. The Tri Delt sorority flag football team will play the fourth quarter.

Also seeing lots of red on FOX it is the Red River Rivalry with #7 Oklahoma and # 19 THE University of Texas. “Murry, Murry, quite contrary, how many TDs will you throw?” Not happening, Sorry Horns.

Get the remote and set the screens for the 2:30 games. These are big ones.

Well, this one probably isn’t big to any groups save the fan bases. Baylor and Kansas State on FS1. Sic ‘Em Bears!

In a game of interest on ESPN it is #4 Clemson and number nothing Wake Forest. Wake Forest should pose no contest but you never know it could be Woke Forest.

On ESPN2 it is the number 25 Oklahoma State Cowboys and number nothing but always dangerous Iowa State. Mascots with names of dangerous weather patterns like cyclones or hurricanes should be banned. Also, Oklahoma State, please do not wear those ugly gray granny tights looking uniforms again. EVER!

But the biggest game of all is on CBS with #5 LSU and #22 Florida! GEAUX TIGERS! Mike the Tiger likes gator meat; tastes like chicken. I was taught early on to never pull for a team from Florida. The LSU/Florida would always be a three flasker for my uncles at the game. They would have a flask in each boot and one in each wives’ purse.

I made need the same number of flasks as Number 13 Kentucky and number nothing YET Texas A&M kick off on ESPN at 6:00. Big Blue Nation arrives in Kyle Field to meet Big Maroon 12th Man.

The University of Kentucky has three official mascots:

  • Blue — A live bobcat (note that in American English, “wildcat” generally refers to this particular mammal). He lives at the state-operated Salato Wildlife Education Center near Frankfort. Unlike the school’s two costumed mascots, he never attends games, because bobcats are very shy by nature and do not react well with large crowds.
    • If you were a wildcat living in Kentucky wouldn’t you be very shy with crowds too?
  • The Wildcat — A costumed student, he made his debut in the 1976–77 school year.
    • Anthropomorphic mascot. For the products of the Kentucky education systems it means “it ain’t real; it’s got on a costume; don’t shoot it.
  • Scratch — A later addition, he is a more child-friendly version of The Wildcat. Scratch wears his hat backwards, drinks Pepsi, and loves to party.
    • There is a child-friendly wildcat?

KU fans are not able to agree on the mascot’s name either. From the unimaginative and obvious fans the mascot is called “Wildcat.” From the Possible Pepsi sponsors the mascot is called “Scratch.” Why didn’t they go with Blue – the name of their live bobcat? Sorry, I forgot. It’s Kentucky. You may be ranked number 13, but the Aggies will always be ahead of you with 12th Man.

I would be remiss if I did not include The Battle of the Piney Woods between two of my sheepskin document deliverers- Stephen F. Austin and Sam Houston State. Holding degrees from both institutions, I really have no preference as to the victor. Both schools sit “’neath Texas pines, where we’ve found peaceful shrines and every month is May.” Guess I do have a preference. Ax ‘Em Jacks! ESPN3 at 1:00

BTHO Kentucky! WHOOP!