Tag Archives: humor

Wednesday, August 14, 2019 – When Histamines Attack! Or Vicks to the Rescue and More!

Wednesday, August 14, 2019 – When Histamines Attack! Or Vicks to the Rescue and More!

Good Day! I am here today with my colleague Dr. Pepper, and we are presenting a public service announcement with information learned recently when the histamines attacked.

Recently, the Histamines, from the Isthmus of Histamonia, attacked my nasal passages, my throat, my lungs, my eyes, and probably other body parts I was not aware of. In a frantic search I immediately ingested all types of ANTI histamines including the jar of Vicks Vapor Rub to rid myself of my inner mucus.

In so doing and being bored, but between nose blowing and coughing, I found the following website that should be essential knowledge to all regarding Histamines and other forms microbes that attack the human body.

There are 40 uses listed, but I only list My Twelve Favorites.

http://www.shareably.net/vicks-vaporub-problems-solve/

Today, you will be able to list at least twelve major uses of Vicks as defined below. Then for your assessment of understanding, we will draw a random number and you must demonstrate the corresponding use of Vicks. To receive credit for this online class, you must send a pic of you demonstrating the number of use drawn. Ready? My comments are in italics.

  1. Chest Rub – Rub Vicks on your chest when congested. We all know this works. The research of The Big Bang Theory’s Dr. Sheldon Cooper and Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler support the hypothesis that use of Vicks on the chest and the singing of Soft Kitty hastens wellness and decreases mucus.
  2. Night coughs – Rub Vicks on the bottom of your feet and then put on socks to prevent night coughing. Research indicates this works, but so does a shot of Nyquil and why does it not work in the daytime to stop coughing?
  3. Neosporin replacement – If you run out of Neosporin, use VapoRub as a replacement. Spread a thin layer around the wounded area (splinters, cuts, etc.) to help accelerate the healing process. It also helps protect against germs and bacteria. Number one – why are you out of Neosporin?
  4. Treat acne – You can put some VapoRub on your pimples, acne, or other blemishes and leave it on overnight. When you wash it off in the morning your blemish should be gone. Try this remedy of other skin treatments aren’t working for you. If you have to use Vicks for acne treatment, call 1-555-Dermatolgist.
  5. Fight toenail fungus Thymol is one of the main ingredients in Vicks VapoRub and is great for blocking the growth of fungus because of its antiseptic, antimicrobial and antibacterial properties. All you have to do is rub some of it on the bed of your nail and toenail to get rid of the fungus. It does not say how long this routine is carried out. Wear socks until it goes away.
  6. As bug repellent – Apply a thin layer of VapoRub to exposed skin, and it will repel annoying insects like mosquitoes. This is perfect for camping or when traveling through humid areas. The strong scent will deter bugs from coming your way. It will also keep others from coming your way. Just stay indoors.
  7. Want to get rid of fat and cellulite? – Apply some VapoRub mixed with camphor, baking soda, and a little bit of alcohol. Rub this mixture on the area you want to slim down and cover it with plastic wrap. Do you drink the alcohol or mix it with the Vicks?
  8. Relieve sore muscles – The menthol in Vicks can help to not only offer a refreshing cool to your skin, but it can also help to improve your blood circulation. After physical activity, just grab some Vicks and rub it onto any areas that are experiencing soreness. This should provide relief and comfort to any painful areas. If you don’t want to smell like Ben Gay or Walter, this could be an alternate smell.
  9. Keep your horse focused – If you ride horses, listen up. You can keep a horse from getting distracted by the scent of female horses by applying some VapoRub under his nose. No need to let mating season stop you from going on a ride. No one likes a distracted horse. I wonder if it works on men?
  10. Get rid of warts – Have a nasty wart that suddenly appeared? No problem. Apply VapoRub to your warts twice a day for two weeks. Cover the area with gauze in between until the wart disappears. It also helps if you go outside, face the East, bury an unwashed potato at midnight and turn around three times.
  11. Hide bad smells – Everyday life can build up into some bad smells. Whether it’s from a baby’s diaper or taking out the trash, relieve the bad smell by making your own Vick’s air freshener or applying some under your nose. Your sinuses will thank you. Remember? Clarisse did this in Silence of the Lambs?
  12. Treat hemorrhoids – Hopefully you won’t have to use Vick’s VapoRub for this reason. But fun fact, for small, itchy hemorrhoids, apply Vick’s on there and let the menthol drown out the itch. But make sure to know if you can tolerate the burn first by testing Vick’s on another part of your body. WTH!

Now for your assessment. The number drawn is …

Sorry. The number drawn is Number 12. Please make a video of your face upon application! PLEASE!!!

Wednesday, July 31, 2019 – “At the End of Regulation…”

Wednesday, July 31, 2019 – “At the End of Regulation…”

I just love a barbershop quartet – especially a smack talking foursome. I think I will hire these guys for Snarky Football Fridays. Consider today official Snarky Football Fridays practice.

This is a video you will want to watch several times to catch it all.  Be sure to watch the quartet’s lapel buttons.

Let’s sing along – four part harmony only!

“…Alabama! Alabama! Since Saban came…”

GIG ‘EM AGGIES! “At the end of regulation …”

https://youtu.be/AG3aeeBUp9c

 

Friday, June 7, 2019 – Do You Ever Wonder?

Friday, June 7, 2019 – Do You Ever Wonder?

Do you ever wonder what the crime lab team would say if they had to come into your house if you had an accident while you were away?

Here’s what I’m thinking they might say upon entering my house.

  • Ooh, PHEW! She has a cat!
  • Not much of a house keeper, was she?
  • Did she have a date or is she just lazy and doesn’t pick her clothes up off of the floor? (I think we all know the answer to this one.)
  • Help, me! I’m stuck in the kitchen. To the floor!
  • Well, she did make her bed!

Stay cool this weekend. In Texas the weekend weather forecasts just post pictures of the hinges of Hell. Then again, God gave the Devil the choice of where to live – Hell or Texas in the summer. Heat index could be 107 degrees.

Wednesday, March 27, 2019 – Notre Dame? Howdy! We Are Back!

Wednesday, March 27, 2019 – Notre Dame? Howdy! We Are Back!

Flashback: March 2018, March Madness, Women’s Sweet 16 Match-up, Texas A&M and Notre Dame

We are headed toward a déjà vu weekend. Last year Texas  A&M lost to Notre Dame by six points in the Sweet 16 round of the NCAA Division I Women’s Basketball Tournament.

This year I have composed a lyric sung to the American folk song “When Irish Eyes Are Smiling” that I hope helps this weekend. Feel free to sing along. Even better if you can do an Irish tenor with an Irish accent.

When Irish eyes are blinded

By the Aggies’ maroon and white

You can hear the Twelfth Man yelling

We’ve just begun to fight.

 

Will Muffet fall off her stillettos

As Carter take charge of the ball?

We shall see you in Chicago

The Aggies are coming to call!

 

When Aggie hearts are happy

All the world sings Hullabaloo,

For when Aggie hearts are happy

We are WHOOPING it up for you!

Whoop Barn – Highway 6 north – Photo by me.

BTHO Notre Dame!!!

Friday, October 05, 2018 – The Friday Football Snark’s Schadenfreude

Friday, October 05, 2018 – The Friday Football Snark’s Schadenfreude

Let’s get this schadenfreude started with the word of the day!

Schadenfreude is a noun meaning satisfaction or pleasure felt at someone else’s misfortune. Let’s get the misfortune started early Saturday morning with:

Number 1 Alabama and number nothing Arkansas kickoff at 11:00 on ESPN. Tusk, the hog, will become Tusked, Miss Piggy by half time. The Tri Delt sorority flag football team will play the fourth quarter.

Also seeing lots of red on FOX it is the Red River Rivalry with #7 Oklahoma and # 19 THE University of Texas. “Murry, Murry, quite contrary, how many TDs will you throw?” Not happening, Sorry Horns.

Get the remote and set the screens for the 2:30 games. These are big ones.

Well, this one probably isn’t big to any groups save the fan bases. Baylor and Kansas State on FS1. Sic ‘Em Bears!

In a game of interest on ESPN it is #4 Clemson and number nothing Wake Forest. Wake Forest should pose no contest but you never know it could be Woke Forest.

On ESPN2 it is the number 25 Oklahoma State Cowboys and number nothing but always dangerous Iowa State. Mascots with names of dangerous weather patterns like cyclones or hurricanes should be banned. Also, Oklahoma State, please do not wear those ugly gray granny tights looking uniforms again. EVER!

But the biggest game of all is on CBS with #5 LSU and #22 Florida! GEAUX TIGERS! Mike the Tiger likes gator meat; tastes like chicken. I was taught early on to never pull for a team from Florida. The LSU/Florida would always be a three flasker for my uncles at the game. They would have a flask in each boot and one in each wives’ purse.

I made need the same number of flasks as Number 13 Kentucky and number nothing YET Texas A&M kick off on ESPN at 6:00. Big Blue Nation arrives in Kyle Field to meet Big Maroon 12th Man.

The University of Kentucky has three official mascots:

  • Blue — A live bobcat (note that in American English, “wildcat” generally refers to this particular mammal). He lives at the state-operated Salato Wildlife Education Center near Frankfort. Unlike the school’s two costumed mascots, he never attends games, because bobcats are very shy by nature and do not react well with large crowds.
    • If you were a wildcat living in Kentucky wouldn’t you be very shy with crowds too?
  • The Wildcat — A costumed student, he made his debut in the 1976–77 school year.
    • Anthropomorphic mascot. For the products of the Kentucky education systems it means “it ain’t real; it’s got on a costume; don’t shoot it.
  • Scratch — A later addition, he is a more child-friendly version of The Wildcat. Scratch wears his hat backwards, drinks Pepsi, and loves to party.
    • There is a child-friendly wildcat?

KU fans are not able to agree on the mascot’s name either. From the unimaginative and obvious fans the mascot is called “Wildcat.” From the Possible Pepsi sponsors the mascot is called “Scratch.” Why didn’t they go with Blue – the name of their live bobcat? Sorry, I forgot. It’s Kentucky. You may be ranked number 13, but the Aggies will always be ahead of you with 12th Man.

I would be remiss if I did not include The Battle of the Piney Woods between two of my sheepskin document deliverers- Stephen F. Austin and Sam Houston State. Holding degrees from both institutions, I really have no preference as to the victor. Both schools sit “’neath Texas pines, where we’ve found peaceful shrines and every month is May.” Guess I do have a preference. Ax ‘Em Jacks! ESPN3 at 1:00

BTHO Kentucky! WHOOP!

 

Friday, September 28, 2018 – The Snark Arrives

Friday, September 28, 2018 – The Snark Arrives

Listening to Fleetwood Mac’s – Tusk (love the drums) and making my grocery list – pork sausage; bacon, ham, chitlins, ham hocks, pig’s ears; pig’s feet. I am making breakfast brunch for the 11:00 games. Note to invited guests, I am kidding about the pig’s ears and feet. Let’s see who is on TV at that time.

On the SEC Network at 11:00 we have the # 1 Alabama Crimson Tide vs Louisiana. I think that means the Rajun Cajuns, but it could refer to the entire state of Louisiana. Oh well, they will still lose to Bama.

In a clash of orange (add orange juice to grocery) with their ugly orange anthropomorphic mascots we have Syracuse and Clemson on ABC.

ON ESPN 2 we find WVU couch burning Hillbillies and Texas Tech, Masked and Guns Up (you need to change to your mascot) Red Raiders. You can heat the thrown tortillas on WVU’s burning sofas when they win.

At 2:30 on ABC we have the Baylor Bears versus the Oklahoma Sooners. Let us pray.

Opposite the Bears and Sooners we find THE University of Texas versus K-State on FS1. Please Horns, do not blow this and look ahead to the following weekend!

On ESPN at 5:00 it is the Gators (are the Gators?) of Florida versus the Mississippi State Bulldogs. You know I never yell for a team from Florida, but will always yell for maroon and white with dogs as mascots.

On the Notre Dame network, NBC, at 6:30 we find Stanford and Notre Dame. Come on Cardinal (You know the mascot is a color or tree or a colored tree?) but come on smarty pants. Surely you can come up with some fancy electronic gadget or doodad to block out Touchdown Jesus. After all, the mosaic is on the library.

The Penn State Nittany Lions and the Ohio State seeds or fruits or whatever a Buckeye is, kick off at 6:30 on ABC. Is that what that stupid patch is on Ohio State’s helmets? Seeds? What is Ohio State going to do when no one can read cursive any more?

I will, of course, will be watching Ole Miss and LSU at 8:00 on ESPN with great, yet bittersweet memories. I will looking for you, Cousin Penny. Read yesterday’s post.

That’s it. Ready to go to grocery store. Wait. Seems as though I forgot one of my favorite teams. Well WHOOP! Texas A&M versus Arkansas plays at 11:00 am on ESPN in the neutral site of Dallas. Note to Razorbacks, there are no neutral sites when it comes to Aggies. We are everywhere.

I am sure the Razorbacks will bring their mascot. I believe the hog’s is Tusk. Why don’t you ask him if he’s going away? Just say that you want me. That’s right, Tusk, the Aggies want you!

Don’t forget champagne for mimosas and BTHO ARKANSAS!

Why don’t you ask him if he’s going to stay?
Why don’t you ask him if he’s going away?
Why don’t you tell me what’s going on?
Why don’t you tell me who’s on the phone?

Why don’t you ask him what’s going on?
Why don’t you ask him who’s the latest on his throne?
Don’t say…

Why don’t you ask him what’s going on?
Why don’t you ask him who’s the latest on his throne?
Don’t say that you love me!
Just tell me that you want me!

Tusk!
Just say that you want me
Just tell me that you

Tusk!
Tusk!
Tusk!

Tuesday, September 4, 2018 – Your Fashion Police Service Announcement

Tuesday, September 4, 2018 – Your Fashion Police Service Announcement

I am a graduate of the Austin, Texas Citizens Police Academy and a graduate of the State Office Workers Fashion Police Academy- SOWFPA.

This little known organization, SOWFPA, conducts evaluations at various conferences and gatherings throughout the year and pretty much everywhere else there are people wearing clothes. There are certain categories, including, but not limited to, the following:

  • Best use of fabric originally designed as upholstery,
  • Best use of wild patterns and/or colors on blouses and shirts for seizure inducing episodes,
  • Best floral arrangement displayed on a fabric,
  • Best use of fabric designed after a wild animal,
  • Best use of evening wear in a day time setting,
  • Best cocktail ensemble in a day time setting,
  • Best use of leather and not riding a motorcycle,
  • Best use of polyesters, and
  • Best thing on your head whatever it may be – hat, wig, extensions, beads, ribbons, bows, tiaras, feathers, glitter, etc.

Here’s what I’m thinking. Given my extensive experience in fashion evaluation, I am more than qualified to provide this fashion public service announcement. Ready?

Today is the day after Labor Day. That means NO white clothing should be worn. It is a well-known rule in the South known by all Southern Ladies that one does not wear white shoes, white pants, white, cropped pants, white shorts or white dresses until Easter. 2019. If I see you wearing white, it will be necessary to report you to the Fashion Police of Your Career.

This message was brought to you today by someone who wore their gym shorts, T-shirt and baseball cap to the grocery store this morning.

Friday, August 10, 2018 – Snarky Friday and Come Onward Northwestern

Friday, August 10, 2018 – Snarky Friday and Come Onward Northwestern

Thursday, August 30, 2018, our beloved Reveille VIII will be laid to rest at 8:30 AM. She will lie with the other First Ladies of Aggieland in the special area just outside the north end of Kyle Field.

And of course all of the Reveilles can see the scoreboard.

Thursday, August 30 – like we need one more activity in College Station that day. It is the opening game for The Fighting Texas Aggies football team. It is the debut for new coach Jimbo Fisher. The Fighting Texas Aggies welcome Northwestern State University Demons from Natchitoches, Louisiana.

Even at the early hour of 8:30 AM it is entirely possible that the attendance at Reveille VIII’s memorial could exceed the entire enrollment of Northwestern (10573) and Natchitoches Parish (18219). Of course I’m going! You had to ask?

Since many will be travelling from Louisiana to College Station and visiting Kyle Field I wanted you to know what the small crowd is on Thursday morning.

The big crowd – aka the ones standing and swaying in the stands in Kyle Field that evening will exceed the population of both the school and the parish and the surrounding parishes combined!

The game will be on TV on the SEC network. Those of you who live in Louisiana probably can see it since it is the SEC network and LSU is in the SEC. Unlike THE University of Texas that has The Longhorn network, the SEC shares with other teams. It also provides more programming and better commercials than alumni doing commercials for THE UNIVERSITY.

So I hope the Northwestern Demons get paid a huge share of the gate and television profits. I also hope the amount covers the medical bills because the Aggies plan to BTHO Northwestern.

Pics from Reveille Grave from theclio.com

 

Progress Report on the Proposed Re-creation of Neil Sedaka’s Calendar Girls Video

Wednesday, August 8, 2018 – Progress Report on the Proposed Re-creation of Neil Sedaka’s Calendar Girls Video

The Calendar Girls dance card is filling up quite nicely. Until we start official practices continue to sew and hot glue gun your costume and continue to work on your dance moves in the privacy of your home.

January, March, May and October are still available. And we still need a piano player. You know you want to see it again – like a wreck on the highway.

Unfortunately, January is now open. CS fell out of the choir box and her dancing shoes need to be put away for a while. We do hope for a speedy recovery. You must still participate by bringing your great sense of style, fashion ideas and of course your wonderful singing voice because I know some of us have experience in band take overs.

Joan A said she would love to be February but insists on wearing “winter clothes and a big heart.” February in Texas could mean any attire. Attire in Austin could mean anything.

March is still available. Gayla? I think you might have had a pants suit like March wears. If Gayla doesn’t respond, Karen K, March is yours.

April – Ms. Navasota is diligently sewing her Playboy Bunny outfit. I am ready to help if her sewing machine breaks.

May – I can’t believe the month of May is still available. Doesn’t anyone want to look like Joann Woodward in Three Faces of Eve wearing a 1950’s frock made from Butternick Pattern # 4589? The black and white stripe fabric design is a must. I missed the giant white bow on her dress in the video.

June –Congratulations Suzi. The month of June is yours since Knotts is still scared of you. K. Knotts did volunteer her talents from her drill team experience – The LongAgo LongViewettes to help us get a leg up. (Groan here). She’ll help us get our pictures in the Longview Society Edition.

July – Thank you Lea for being July. We trust you know how to handle sparklers. And remember as The Voice of Experience says – Don’t dance naked in the back yard with sparklers while drunk on New Year’s Eve.

August – I get to be August for the following reasons:

  • I can still point so there less downward gravitational pull (thank you trainers KQ and KB and 20 pound barbells);
  • Thankfully, both pointers are still intact; and last, but not least;
  • I have more experience wearing martyr boards with tassels and can do the tassel toss automatically.

September – Karen S gets September. You will look good in yellow. I hope there are not too many candles. Lea will be sparkling with fireworks so we must be careful. You do realize you have to dance on the piano, do a high kick and have the piano player look up your skirt?

October – “like Romeo and Juliet on Halloween” but in a really bad outfit. Who wants to be the Italian opera clown?

November – Martha, My Dear. You missed your chance. Kay took November. She gets to wear the 1920’s men’s bathing suit pattern.

December – BJ, December is still yours and you are correct. Neil seems to be a bit calendar challenged too. The winter months do seem to have more bikini outfits. With the exception of the Halloween clown, all of the “dancers” seem to show a lot of skin – especially for 1966.

Please know that CS was in only if she could wear the colors of the BCS National Championship. Since she is on the injured reserve and requested the BCS School’s colors, you can have January. CS would not look good in Crimson Tide colors and would never consider wearing any colors save purple and gold.

Tuesday, August 7, 2018 – Retirement Rules for Hygiene

Tuesday, August 7, 2018 – Retirement Rules for Hygiene

I know that many of you are retired or approaching retirement. That means you getting into the “old as dirt” phase of your life. Since I am experienced in retirement, as a public service I would like to offer some rules for retirement hygiene.

Retirement Rules for Hygiene

  • If you are unable to remember the last time you took a bath or shower, you probably need one. The smell you are sensing is probably you.
  • Brush your teeth at least once a day especially if you cannot recall the last time you brushed. This is especially true if you have teeth.
  • Change your tooth brush often. You do not know how many times the cat chewed on it.
  • During the summer months – even if you sleep in gym shorts and a T-shirt, it is not appropriate to wear them to the grocery store the next day.
  • During the cooler months – even if you sleep in sweat pants and a long-sleeved T-shirt, it is still not appropriate to wear the ensemble to the grocery store the next day. Just because the rest of the shoppers are in their pajamas does not mean you should be in yours.
  • Never wear the same T-shirt more than three days. Two days if you slept in it. This includes short and long-sleeved shirts.
  • Do not wear the same pair of socks for more than three days.
  • Change your underwear at least every other day.
  • Be prepared to change your underwear daily or hourly as needed.
  • Ladies, remember to shave your legs even though there is no reason whatsoever to do so.

I hope you find the rules helpful. Just remember “old as dirt” does not mean you have to smell like dirt.