Tag Archives: humor

Friday, September 29, 2017 –Snarky Friday College Football

Friday, September 29, 2017 –Snarky Friday College Football

Thirty days hath September and there were some games to remember and many to forget… But first.

The NFL debacle – IMHO – This should never have been an issue. The intrusion of the government into the corporate arena sets a dangerous precedent. Here’s what I’m thinking – the American citizens in Puerto Rico would die to have a cold drink of fresh water and electricity to even watch TV. Wait, the citizens just might die while waiting. So why?

Speaking of why? Why is THE University of Texas playing on a Thursday? Better yet, why is THE University even playing Iowa State? Even better, why is Iowa State even in the Big 12 Conference?

BEVO – Photo by Jill.

But BEVO’s Boys withstood the Cyclones 17-7. Please know that Iowa State is in the running for Ugly Uniform Award. The mascot is a weather pattern.

Tonight we have Miami and Duke on ESPN at 6:00 and USC and Washington State following. It is always fun to watch a Mike Leach team.

The Saturday Wake-up Call Games at 11:00 are:

New Mexico State and Arkansas on SECN – more Aggies for the Baconators. Did you know the New Mexico State mascot is named Pistol Pete?

  • Vanderbilt and Florida on ESPN – Did you know the ONLY altruistic endeavor by Commodore Vanderbilt was the establishment of Vanderbilt University?
  • Northwestern and Wisconsin on ABC. Yawn.

In the 2:30 time slot we find:

  • Baylor at Kansas State @ 2:30 on ESPN 2. This depends on which Bears show up in Manhattan. Could be interesting if the ones from last week take the field.
  • Georgia and Tennessee on CBS – Dogs again. UGA and Smokey. I don’t know if “Rocky Top will always be…”

Why? Why are the best games in the evening?

If any two teams should have a weather pattern as their mascot it should be Oklahoma State and Texas Tech. in Lubbock at 7:00 on Fox. Tortillas blowing in the wind.

Love my TT pic. Love you Little Sister. AXOs.

If Oklahoma State and New Mexico State should meet in a game, would it be Dueling Pistol Petes?

In the battle between Mississippi and Alabama ESPN will showcase:

  • Mississippi State and Auburn at 5:00. To the Bulldogs – you need a Big Solid Defense. To Auburn: Roll Tide.
  • Ole Miss and Alabama at 8:00 ESPN at Tuscaloosa – Hotty Toddy, but Roll Tide. Dear Coach Saban, Do not underestimate your opponent. The Rebels have nothing to play for except pride.

Sandwiched between the Battle of Mississippi and Alabama we find Troy University at Tiger Stadium in Baton Rouge to meet LSU at 6:00 in the last non-conference primer for LSU. Here is a primer on Troy: The Troy Trojans mascot is named T-Roy. He is one of those dressed up mascots. Troy University’s athletics nickname was the Red Wave until the early 1970s when the student body voted to change the name to Trojans. I am not going to ask why they changed to that. One can only hope the students and the state of Alabama were aware that Trojan refers to a warrior and not a birth control device.

The game of the weekend is the Texas A&M Aggies versus the South Carolina Gamecocks on the SECN at 6:30.That means crappy announcers live from Kyle Field. Things to watch for overall: Crappy announcers misprouncing small Texas towns, talking way too much and saying nothing. For the Gamecocks watch for Uncle Will Muschamp exploding at referees and players. For the Aggies watch for the explosive Captain Christian Kirk.

Other burning questions you must have are:

What is the mascot of South Carolina?

Cocky (mascot) Cocky is the costumed mascot of the University of South Carolina athletics teams. He represents a cartoon version of a gamecock (a fighting rooster).

Why is South Carolina’s mascot a Gamecock?

The University of South Carolina’s varsity sports teams are known as the “Gamecocks”. This unique moniker is held in honor of Thomas Sumter, a Revolutionary War hero from South Carolina who was nicknamed the “Carolina Gamecock” after British General Banastre Tarleton said Sumter “fought like a gamecock.”

Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cocky_(mascot)

What is the mascot of Texas A&M?

The mascot of Texas A&M University is Reveille. She is a beautiful and very real Collie and the First Lady of Aggieland. She is prettiest mascot in her category in the NCAA mascot contest.

Source: NCAA and every Texas Aggie on the planet.

Native Texan Wall: Texas Monthly Cover signed “To Delia; Ann Richards.” FYI – I also have George W’s signature signed “To Delia Best Wishes George W. Bush.

Since we started the day with politics, let us end it with politics. When former Governor of Texas, Ann Richards, was campaigning for her first term, she and her staff were flying to The Valley on a campaign trip. One of her staff members asked: “Miss Richards, the people will want to know where you stand on cock fighting.” Miss Richards replied “To be honest, I never met one that I wanted to fight with.”

BTHO South Carolina.

Monday, September 18, 2017 – My Monday After College Football Awards

Monday, September 18, 2017 – My Monday After College Football Awards

This weekend’s games were why we love college football.

Let’s begin with the scores. All the Bigs won big by big scores. Alabama OU, Ohio State, Oklahoma State, and Clemson.

The When Is It Basketball Season? Award goes to Baylor for their loss to Duke 20 to 34. There is always Kansas, Baylor.

The ULaLa Second Half Elixir Award, produced by Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and The Fighting Aggie Band goes to the Texas Aggies.

The announcers said “Perhaps the Aggie Band will help the Aggies in the second half.” Photo by KB.

Not certain if this is Kyle Field at 11:00 kickoff, but it looks pretty full to me. Photo by KB.

I hope you ordered a case of the Elixir for next week’s game. Now that you have finished playing the Three Sisters of the Poor, next week it is time to bring home the bacon.

 

Photo by me. Gator by Prejeans.

The 00.00 Clockwork Orange Award goes to both UT schools. First to the University of Tennessee. Hail Mary, Full of Gatorade, as Florida wins with a Hail Mary pass as time runs out to defeat the Vols. I guess Gators can reach Rocky Top.

The second 00.00 Clockwork Orange Award goes to THE University of Texas as USC scores with seconds left in the first half.

In addition, THE University of Texas receives a Poopy Undies Award and a new award entitled Pop a Vein Award as their fans watched the entire game ultimately loosing as the field goal split the uprights in the second overtime giving USC the win 24 -27. Trust me, Horns, the Aggies know the feeling of seeing the ball go through the goal post as time expires. At least it wasn’t in your stadium and on Thanksgiving.

The Herding Cats Cowbell Award goes to the Bulldogs of Mississippi State. For Real! These dogs put an ass kicking on LSU 27 to 7.

As mentioned in previous posts, this year there is The Big Solid Award. This award is given to defensive units and individuals in the defense and there are several this week. Let’s begin with The Big Solid’s Alma Mater, Mississippi State and award a Big Solid Award to the Mississippi State Defense. It is not easy to herd cats.

Bully! I could have been a contender. I am prettier than Smokey and UGA. When is our play day, Miss Reveille? Photo my me from the TV.

A second Big Solid Award goes to the Defense of THE University of Texas. I am not sure the Horns are back, but the defense was impressive. Let us see what happens in Dallas in October.

Now to the individual Big Solid Awards.

To #4 Deshon Elliot, of THE University, I am awarding the Franco Harris Immaculate Reception Award and a Big Solid Award for 2.5 interceptions. Yes, it was almost three interceptions so I am giving half credit for the almost third one.

To Texas Aggie # 23 Armani Watts – a Big Solid Award for two interceptions. We are going to need many more of those.

And last, the Big Super Solid Award goes to #8, Dorion O’Daniel of Clemson for his interception of a Heisman Winning Quarterback, (Lamar Jackson) and returning it for a touchdown. Pure Big Solid. Perhaps he will share the video when the Bulldogs take on the Tide. Factoid: Joe Namath was eleventh in the balloting for the 1964 Heisman Trophy, which was won by quarterback John Huarte of Notre Dame. John Who?

Honeyboy! Look who just won the American League West! The Houston Astros! This might be the year! Go Astros.

Monday, September 18, 2017 – My Monday After College Football Awards

Monday, September 18, 2017 – My Monday After College Football Awards

This weekend’s games were why we love college football.

Let’s begin with the scores. All the Bigs won big by big scores. Alabama OU, Ohio State, Oklahoma State, and Clemson.

The When Is It Basketball Season? Award goes to Baylor for their loss to Duke 20 to 34. There is always Kansas, Baylor.

The ULaLa Second Half Elixir Award, produced by Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and The Fighting Aggie Band goes to the Texas Aggies.

The announcers said “Perhaps the Aggie Band will help the Aggies in the second half.” Photo by KB.

Not certain if this is Kyle Field at 11:00 kickoff, but it looks pretty full to me. Photo by KB.

I hope you ordered a case of the Elixir for next week’s game. Now that you have finished playing the Three Sisters of the Poor, next week it is time to bring home the bacon.

 

Photo by me. Gator by Prejeans.

The 00.00 Clockwork Orange Award goes to both UT schools. First to the University of Tennessee. Hail Mary, Full of Gatorade, as Florida wins with a Hail Mary pass as time runs out to defeat the Vols. I guess Gators can reach Rocky Top.

The second 00.00 Clockwork Orange Award goes to THE University of Texas as USC scores with seconds left in the first half.

In addition, THE University of Texas receives a Poopy Undies Award and a new award entitled Pop a Vein Award as their fans watched the entire game ultimately loosing as the field goal split the uprights in the second overtime giving USC the win 24 -27. Trust me, Horns, the Aggies know the feeling of seeing the ball go through the goal post as time expires. At least it wasn’t in your stadium and on Thanksgiving.

The Herding Cats Cowbell Award goes to the Bulldogs of Mississippi State. For Real! These dogs put an ass kicking on LSU 27 to 7.

As mentioned in previous posts, this year there is The Big Solid Award. This award is given to defensive units and individuals in the defense and there are several this week. Let’s begin with The Big Solid’s Alma Mater, Mississippi State and award a Big Solid Award to the Mississippi State Defense. It is not easy to herd cats.

Bully! I could have been a contender. I am prettier than Smokey and UGA. When is our play day, Miss Reveille? Photo my me from the TV.

A second Big Solid Award goes to the Defense of THE University of Texas. I am not sure the Horns are back, but the defense was impressive. Let us see what happens in Dallas in October.

Now to the individual Big Solid Awards.

To #4 Deshon Elliot, of THE University, I am awarding the Franco Harris Immaculate Reception Award and a Big Solid Award for 2.5 interceptions. Yes, it was almost three interceptions so I am giving half credit for the almost third one.

To Texas Aggie # 23 Armani Watts – a Big Solid Award for two interceptions. We are going to need many more of those.

And last, the Big Super Solid Award goes to #8, Dorion O’Daniel of Clemson for his interception of a Heisman Winning Quarterback, (Lamar Jackson) and returning it for a touchdown. Pure Big Solid. Perhaps he will share the video when the Bulldogs take on the Tide. Factoid: Joe Namath was eleventh in the balloting for the 1964 Heisman Trophy, which was won by quarterback John Huarte of Notre Dame. John Who?

Honeyboy! Look who just won the American League West! The Houston Astros! This might be the year! Go Astros.

Thursday, August 10, 2017 – Fire and Fury and The Merry Little Minuet

Thursday, August 10, 2017 – Fire and Fury and The Merry Little Minuet

“For man’s been endowed with a mushroom shaped cloud…”

I am a Baby Boomer – One of those people whose birth falls between 1945 and 1950. We are the first generation to live under the threat of nuclear annihilation and the balancing act of nuclear proliferation.

In 1960 Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev banged his shoe on the podium at The United Nations and screamed “We will bury you.” I was eleven years old and I was scared.

1962 –United States’ President John F. Kennedy and Soviet leader, Khrushchev take us to the brink of nuclear war over the missiles in Cuba. I was thirteen years old and scared.

1967 – My friends went to Vietnam. I was eighteen years old and scared.

1968 – We, the People, said enough of oppressions and there riots in the streets across America. I was nineteen and scared.

1968 – I voted for the first time in the U S Presidential election. I never voted that way again. I got scared.

2017 – Today the POTUS tweets threats of nuclear war to North Korea at 3:00 AM. I am sixty-eight years old and I am not scared to say it, “Get this idiot impeached and removed.” Repeal and replace this disaster. If not …

“For we know for certain that some lovely day, someone will set the spark off and we will all be blown away.”

The Kingston Trio singing Tom Lehrer’s The Merry Little Minuet.

https://youtu.be/CGsY4vBYdYM

 

 

Friday, July 21, 2017 – Snarky Friday and Hotty Toddy Escort my Body Out of Here.

Friday, July 21, 2017 – Snarky Friday and Hotty Toddy Escort my Body Out of Here.

Apparently Texas A&M’s Kevin Sumlin did not have the hottest coach’s seat in the SEC. Wow, coming straight out of a William Faulkner novel the Hugh Freeze, Head Coach of The University of Mississippi (Ole Miss) resigned suddenly after displaying “a pattern of personal misconduct.” I have not consulted the Urban Dictionary, but I think that is code for “bring on the hookers.”

I understand Ken Starr might be available to represent Coach Freeze. Mr. Starr has vast experience with sex scandals. Rick Pitino (Louisville) may be able to recommend legal counsel. Given the lawyer rats jumping ship from The White House, I am sure a football sex scandal would seem like a piece of cake to any one of them. So we shall let the lawyers take over.

As for the coaching situation, I am sure any coach would want to assume the responsibilities of an NCAA program on probation and now saddled with a sex scandal just at the onset of the football season. How do you think Art Briles would look in Rebel blue and red? Charlie Strong? Whaaat?

https://www.cbssports.com/college-football/news/ole-miss-coach-hugh-freeze-resigns-amid-explosive-new-information/

Onward down the football field. I was reading Olin Buchanan’s excellent article this morning – Same Song: Aggies Deaf to Herman’s Plea to Renew Rivalry.

https://texags.com/t/3116/olin-buchanan

Here’s what I’m thinking. Coach Herman, I am not in MENSA like you are, but I do know my history. You should probably study some of it too. May I recommend The 100 Year Decision, by R. Bowen Loftin?

Mr. Buchanan in his article so noted, as does Dr. Bowen, it was not the Aggies decision to cancel the series. It was DeLoss Dodds’ decision to punish the Aggies financially.

There are theorists who theorize an alternate version of Justin Tucker’s game winning, time running out, suck the life out of you, field goal victory over the Aggies. The outcome of everything might have been different had the kick not been good.

But alas, Coach Herman. The Aggies left the Big 12 Conference to join the Southeastern Conference. In the SEC, and an 8 and 5 season will out do a 5-7 season any day of the week. The North Carolina women’s basketball team can beat the Kanas football team.

But Coach Herman, you do have that Longhorn Network – the one you do not share with any of the others in the conference? The one that shows old footage of past glory? That one. Not to be confused with the SEC Network (and there is also an alternate network on really good sports’ days). Not only does it share it profits with its member schools, it has much better programming because of the National Championships won by the SEC schools. Check it out, Coach.

But yes, my Class of ’85 ears are deaf to a rivalry between Texas A&M and THE University of Texas. LSU and Alabama and even poor Ole Miss are way more fun than you, Bevo and Boys. But I hear Manhattan, Kansas and Ames Iowa and even Waco, Texas are nice during the winter.

Here’s to Coach Herman: Hullaballoo Keneck Ken NO! Not interested.

BTHO

Wednesday, July 19, 2017 – Pack Up the Babies and Grab the Old Ladies; That’s Right, You’re Not from Texas

Wednesday, July 19, 2017 – Pack Up the Babies and Grab the Old Ladies; That’s Right, You’re Not from Texas

That’s right, you’re not from Texas, but Texas wants you anyway. Even though Lyle Lovett’s song suggests Texas wants you, we really do not. We have plenty of crazy people that already live here. Like most Southerners, we like crazy people and even enjoy sitting on the front porch and sharing a cocktail with them. In Texas we like crazy people so much we elect them to high level government positions.

This week in our great state capital, Austin, many of the crazy people once again congregate under the Dome of Decisions in a Special Session called by the Governor of Texas. One of the most pressing issues and urgent issues is to help us sort out where to void our bladders in public places associated with educational institutions. This is known as The Bathroom Bill or Senate Bill 6. So, paraphrasing the great Neil Diamond “Pack up the babies and grab the old ladies, cause everyone knows it’s Brother Dan’s Show.”

The entire Texas legislature seems to be obsessed with human body functions, like abortion, sex of any kind (yes, last session they passed a no sex with animals bill), homosexuality, transgendered people and where people poop and pee and shower and change clothes (locker rooms). And for some reason they think they can control these bodily functions legislatively.

The lieutenant Governor of Texas, Dan Patrick, aka Saint Evangelical, seems to be overly obsessed with where individuals go to the bathroom. So much he is apparently ready to fall on the proverbial sword to push this through the Texas Legislature.

Here’s what I’m thinking. What if educational institutions selected a strategically located facility in the building, and put a new sign on the door designating it

The I. P. Freely Bathroom sponsored by Saint Evangelical.

A cost savings suggestion is, just write it on the wall next to the facility. I think that is where the handwriting is. Besides, think how much money public schools could have to focus on teaching and learning rather than peeing and pooping.

“I see a bad moon rising…” Creedence Clearwater Revival. Photo by me. Looking out my backyard – also by CCR.

Keep your voter registration card current and your Texas photo voter ID too.

http://thehill.com/homenews/state-watch/342556-bathroom-bill-opens-deep-rift-in-texas-gop

Thursday, July 6, 2017 – Lazy, Hazy, Crazy Days of Summer and G-20

Thursday, July 6, 2017 – Lazy, Hazy, Crazy Days of Summer and G-20

Here’s What I’m Thinking. Get your history hat on.

The POTUS is out of the country. Our political prayer for the day is “please do not let him tweet and start a war.”

He is headed to the G-20 Summit that kicks off tomorrow in Hamburg, Germany. The Chair of the Conference is Head of State of Germany, Angela Merkel. It is a meeting to discuss world financial issues and has been going on since 1999 (Google it).

I am feeling like The Hippie Dippy Weatherman (George Carlin) “A line of thunderstorms is headed toward Japan, but so is a line of North Korean missiles, so I would not sweat the thunderstorms.” Is the emoji for this a mushroom shaped cloud over Alaska or the Secretary of Education telling children to “just get under their desks and put your hands over your heads?”

The POTUS visited Poland on his way to Germany. When That Man tweets at 3:00 AM that “His Presidency received the largest crowds ever” please remember your history.

  1. Most of those crowds were bused in. They are somewhat like Extras in a crowd scene in a movie. If one knew their history, he or she would know this.
  2. Had he or his staff bothered to check a history book he would see that since September 1, 1939, Poland has taken a rough ride in history. Actually, it goes way back further, but we’ll start with the September first date. First it was those Nazis tanks overpowering a military that was riding horses waving sabers.Then it was the Soviets and that Iron Curtain. So when he tweets “I am the BEST,” remember previous Presidents were not allowed to visit. Something about that Soviet Union travel ban during a period known as The Cold War. Ask your buddy VP. Not the Vice President.
  3. The POTUS is also meeting with the leader of Russia Vladimir Putin. I wonder if Vlad will serve Moscow Mules in a symbolic gesture of what the POTUS means to him.

As the 20 Heads of State gather in Germany, let us end with a history joke.

The Heads of State of Germany, The United States and Russia meet in a bar. The three are to discuss world issues and strategies to achieve them. As the evening progresses and drinking continues, the German head of state remains silent. The heads of state from the United States and Russia outline elaborate strategies. Finally, German leader is asked for input. She looks at the Russian and says, “Next time we will come in the summer.”

Wednesday, June 21, 2017 –Estival Solstice and a New Ken

Wednesday, June 21, 2017 –Estival Solstice and a New Ken

Our new word for the day is “Estival.” It is an adjective that means pertaining or appropriate to summer. Today marks the summer solstice or the estival solstice. It is the longest day of the year with the longest twilight. I wonder if that translates to the longest happy hour.

Texas Stonehenge – Kerrville, Texas Photo by me

If you want to learn more about the summer solstice, pretend you are in Mr. Michael’s 9th Grade physical science class and click on the link. There are some pretty cool illustrations. To my Alaska friends, get out the sleep masks; there is going to be a lot of sunlight.

https://www.vox.com/science-and-health/2017/6/19/15832952/summer-solstice-2017

Since this is a long day, let us catch up on what I have been thinking.

Please sign the online petition to never allow Texas A&M to play TCU in baseball.

Tropical storm Cindy is about the make landfall through New Orleans and the southern states bringing inches plus of rain. It would be nice if there was a FEMA Director. Doesn’t FEMA stand for Federal EMERGENCY MANAGEMENT? Just in case the low lying areas need help or have an emergency.

Congratulations to Diana Taurasi for becoming the all-time leading scorer in professional women’s basketball. Thank you Title IX and believers in women’s athletics. Thank you, Diana.

The 2017 Texas A&M Maroon out game is with Auburn on Saturday, November Fourth. I was hoping the Maroon Out game would be with Alabama, but I will take Auburn. It is always fun to do Snarky Fridays when the Aggies play a school named after a hair color. And perhaps the Aggies can count on a modicum of support from The Tide.

Did you know there is new Ken doll? Mattel updated Barbie’s long-time, gay boyfriend, Ken, to create a diversity look. There are actually 15 new Kens. They have different skin colors, different body types and different hair styles and colors. Body types include slim, original and large. Various hair styles even include the man bun.

I have not researched the various Ken dolls, but I hope there is Cut-n-Shoot/Porter Ken. This Ken would wear jeans, boots, a torn T-shirt, and a Make America Great Again cap. Of course he would drive a pick-up truck; would be overweight, have a beer belly and sport a mullet. He would come with diabetes prescription, a six-pack of Miller Lite, a pack of Marlboros and a worn EZ-Boy Recliner. Remote control, trailer and pit bulls not included.

As I said I have not researched the various Kens, but here’s what I’m thinking. These Kens, like those who preceded him, are genitalia challenged or sans male body parts. Perhaps Barbie likes him that way.

It is going to be a long day. Enjoy the estival solstice.

Friday, May 19, 2017 – Stella! Hey Stella! A Street Car Named Desire in 37 Words.

Friday, May 19, 2017 – Stella! Hey Stella! A Street Car Named Desire in 37 Words.

NOLA – 2017 – Copyright Delia R. Duffey 2017

They told me to take a streetcar named Desire and then transfer to one called Cemeteries and ride six blocks and get off at Elysian Fields.

Stella! Hey Stella!

I’ve always depended on the kindness of strangers.

The Desire Line Streetcar is named after Desire Street in New Orleans. The Pulitzer Prize winning play by Tennessee Williams is Southern Gothic at its finest. New Orleans. Crazy people.

In the South we are proud of our crazy people. In fact, we like to sit on the front porch with them and have cocktails. Howeveh, many of us do not like to elect crazy people president of the United States. We prefer that governor of a state is plenty politics for crazy people.

Here’s what I’m thinking.

I bet when Trumpet said “I’m going to drain the swamp,” he forgot to check and see how many alligators lived there.”

I doubt Trumpet will repeat Blanche’s line as she is carted off to the looney bin. But he could tweet it at 3:00 AM.

Tuesday, May 9, 2017 – When the Quote Comes Back to Haunt You

Tuesday, May 9, 2017 – When the Quote Comes Back to Haunt You

Good Morning Class,

Today we will examine four quotations. Two quotes are from previous presidents of the United States; one is from a high ranking US government official and one is from the current president, Donald Trumpet. Note: the last quote was said during the campaign, but seems to be applicable to any situation and issue today.

Your assignment is to complete your predicted result by filling in the blank for quote number four.

Ready?

  1. “I am not a crook.” Richard Millhouse Nixon. Result: Resignation
  2. “I did not have sex with that woman.” William (Bill) Jefferson Clinton. Result: Impeachment
  3. “…no evidence of collusion with Russia and Trump.” Director Clapper speaking about President Clapper. Result: Security guard at Wal-Mart.
  4. “I am the innocent one.” Donald J. Trump. Result: ______________________