Category Archives: Alabama

Friday, September 21, 2018 – Friday Football Snark

Friday, September 21, 2018 – Friday Football Snark

The Friday Football Snark is running way behind, but FFS does have a new TDL replacing the one l-0-s-t. It only took two and half hours.

Let us fall in with the Who Cares? Category

Tonight we have FAU and UCF on ESPN at 6:00. More schools from Florida.

At 8:00 on FS1 the alma mater of Lt. Colonel, Henry Blake, Illinois, plays Penn State. Henry taped the wrong ankle of the team’s running back. Pretty sure wrong or correct ankle tape will not help the Illini tonight.

No one worth watching at 11:00 Saturday morning. The teams I like begin at 2:30.

At 2:30 on FS1 we find Baylor and Kansas in what could prove to be a deluge of really wet water in Waco. But you know how those Baptists like to dunk.

Also falling into a possible deluge of really wet water further down I-35 THE University of Texas plays TCU in Austin. It could be a Frog strangler if you are not careful T. Kickoff is set for 3:30 on Fox.

On the CBS the game of the week is Number one ranked Alabama verses Number 22 and hopefully Aggie 2.0 version which means new and improved Texas A&M – also known as the Nick and Jimbo Show.

Getting Jimbo’s autograph. Hope it becomes more valuable that Johnny’s

I will construct my BTHO Bama shrine tonight. I have helmet with Johnny Manzeil’s autograph. I understand it could be worth $5.25 in Canadian money.

Currently the spread is 26.0. I think it will be a much closer game than that. Of course, I have thought that about the Aggies since 1980 when I first drank the maroon the Kool-Aid.

Both defenses are very religious. They are both very holy and could present some issues. What can and will Mr. Mond do with his feet?

Can you catch Trayveon?

The Aggies are coming and we’re bringing yardsticks with us to see how Jimbo and the team measure up. Start Rolling Tide. We are coming after you!

BTHO ALABAMA

Monday, September 17, 2018 – My Monday After College Football Awards

Monday, September 17, 2018 – My Monday After College Football Awards

Review: I write about the teams I like and teams that play teams I like.

So On Wisconsin to accept your Poopy Undies Award for losing to BYU 21-24.

The Wisconsin kicker who missed the game tying field goal to go to overtime receives The Hooked Left Award. This comes with a Bless Your Heart Certificate.

Also receiving a Poopy Undies Award are the Tigers of LSU and their fans. Nevertheless, a win over Auburn is worth it.

The Best Kick of the Day goes to the LSU kicker for kicking the game winning field goal with two seconds on the clock. LSU 22-Auburn 21.

It was not close enough for Poopy Undies but I am awarding the Grab Your Beads Award to Notre Dame for allowing Vanderbilt to come close. ND – 22 Vandy 17.

The One Kick Off Wonder Award goes to Ole Miss for their one and only score against Alabama. Tide 62 – Ole Miss 7. Rumors abound that Coach Saban put in the women’s soccer team; the tuba section of the band and two cheerleaders in the fourth quarter.

Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi State all share the We Scored Lots of Points and Win Big Award.

Baylor lost to Duke in what was not even close in The Baptists and Blue Devil Bowl. BU 27 Duke 40. I supposed the Blue Devil thing extends beyond Wake Forest. (See last Friday) It will be ok; Baylor, Kansas is next weekend. What? Kansas scored 55 points against Rutgers? I don’t know if Kansas scored 55 points last season in four games. Rock Chalk Jayhawk could cause some problems in Waco land.

Congrats to THE University of Texas for their win over USC 37 -14. However, I award the Horns The Ugly Uniform Award. Tradition is one thing, but uniforms that look like 1956 are another. They just look old.

Ohio State achieved The Revenge on The Little Sisters of the Poor Award by a 40 to 28 win over TCU. Watch out Texas the Frogs will be spitting mad next weekend. And their uniforms are prettier.

The Best Play of Any Football Game of the Weekend Award goes to University of North Texas for the fake fair catch and then touchdown run. Even if you have seen it, it is still fun to watch. The School Yard Play Award to UNT!

That means Arkansas gets The Our Face is as Red as Our Uniforms Award. Meanwhile the Eagles turned the Arkansas Hogs into a pig sty with a 44 to 17 win.

https://www.sbnation.com/college-football/2018/9/16/17864636/north-texas-fake-fair-catch-punt-return-td

The Throw Back to Last Year Award goes to the Texas Aggies. You looked like last year’s Aggies. This will not play well in Tuscaloosa next weekend. However, let us not forget the Aggies had FOUR touchdowns recalled. The score ended 48 to 10 over University Louisiana Monroe.

My last award of the day goes to the two mouths talking in the SEC announcer booth for the Aggies and Monroe game. Quite simply – YOU BOTH SUCK! You are supposed to call the football game. Instead you spent the entire fourth quarter talking:

  • Over the referee’s calls
  • While players are injured on the field
  • About personal stories of people and things nobody knows or cares about
  • Your impressions of all the Aggie and Warhawk football players you met during the week

With each play, instead of calling the play, you both gave your biased analysis of how that play or that player will do against Alabama next week. Granted, I do not know Coach Nick Saban. But here’s what I’m thinking. If Coach Saban wanted or needed your opinions, he would have already asked you and you would not be sitting in an announcing both doing a crappy job.

Friday, September 14, 2018 – Snarky Friday – College Football’s Most Valuable Team

Friday, September 14, 2018 – Snarky Friday – College Football’s Most Valuable Team

My apologies for running late with Snarky Friday. But at least I am still running.

It is Snarky Friday and let’s begin with a huge SNARK because there is a new dollar bill in town. Forbes Magazine states that college football’s most valuable team is:

Texas A&M University

So much for Bevo being the cash cow. The 148 million average annual revenue of Texas A&M is the largest in the nation. If you live anywhere but Austin, the media states that THE University of Texas’ annual revenue of 133 million, is a “distance second.” If you live in Austin, the media states it is a “close second.” It must some kind of new math they teach in Austin.

Speaking of increasing revenue, the Aggies will increase the revenue and warm up Saturday night against University of Louisiana Monroe. FYI – for those of you unfamiliar with the state of Louisiana Monroe is a fancy place in North Louisiana. If I understand correctly, do not confuse Monroe with West Monroe. One is fancier than the other.

THE University of Texas will have fond memories of USC from 2005, but that will be all the Horns will have. They kickoff at 7:00 on Fox.

While there are games at 11:00 they fall into the “I do not care category.” The real games are in the afternoon. Let’s start at 2:30 on CBS where we find the Tigers of LSU against the Tigers of Auburn. Geaux Tigers. LSU has a real tiger while Auburn is named for a hair color and has an anthropomorphic tiger.

Also at 2:30 on ESPN we have the Oklahoma State Cowboys against the Broncos of Boise State. If this game is on that blue field with the OSU orange it will be color blinding and nauseating. Go Pokes.

Baylor gets to play Duke on FS1 at 2:30. Did you know that the Duke mascot of Blue Devils is a result of a vote in 1923 partly to anger the Baptists of Wake Forest? Sic ‘Em Bears!

http://www.goduke.com/ViewArticle.dbml?DB_OEM_ID=4200&ATCLID=242333

At 3:15 on Fox with lots of red colors, Major Applewhite takes his University of Houston Cougars team against Kliff Kingsbury’s Texas Tech Raiders. Go Shasta.

Ohio State and TCU play at 7:00 on ABC. I had no idea there was such rivalry between these two teams dating back to 2010. It started when the president of Ohio State suggested the only reason the Frogs were undefeated was because they play the “Little Sisters of the Poor.” Then when TCU defeated Wisconsin in the Rose Bowl, TCU alums placed digital billboards around Columbus, Ohio that read:

CONGRATULATIONS TO TCU

For their BCS Rose Bowl Victory – Little Sisters of the Poor.

Go Frogs.

And last, but in no way least, at 6:00 on ESPN the Rebels of Ole Miss go up against The Tide of Alabama. While the Tide will roll, the Rebels could provide some grief. Therefore, I am awarding a Potential Poopy Undies to the Bama Fans. This is not for a loss, but for plays that will scare you. Hotty Toddy!

BTHO Louisiana Monroe

I wonder who the Aggies play next week.

Monday, September 10, 2018 – Monday After College Football Awards

Monday, September 10, 2018 – Monday After College Football Awards

Goodness gracious, great balls of football. As I mentioned last Friday the only game of significance was in Kyle Field between Clemson and Texas A&M. It was worth waiting for all day.

Before we get to that game there are a few other schools to receive awards. May I have the envelopes, please?

The Where’s the Defense Award goes to all of the schools that beat their opponent by 40 points or more. That was pretty much everybody of interest.

The Finally Award goes to Kentucky for finally beating Florida 27 to 16. Of course, I like any team that beats Florida.

The You Have to Play Four Quarters Award goes to THE University of Texas for allowing Tulsa to stay in the game. Yes, The Horns are back – back to just like last year and the year before that and … Texas 28 Tulsa 21. Pre Snarky Friday – Memories will not suffice for USC next Saturday.

The You Can’t Go Home Again Award goes to Coach Kevin Sumlin and the Arizona Wildcats. University of Houston 45 Arizona 18.

The most awards goes to the teams and coaches in the best game of the week.

The Poopy Undies and Where’s the Defibulator Awards goes to the Clemson Tigers and the Texas Aggies. These awards are presented to both teams for scaring the fan bases and creating needs for CPR.

The Decibel Doubting Dabo Award goes to Clemson coach, Dabo Swinny for doubting the decibel level of The 12th Man in Kyle Field would make a difference.

The Exploding Head Coach Award goes to Jimbo Fisher for screaming at the officiating crew from the Stevie Wonder School for Referring Controversy. Yes, there were bad calls on both teams, but the two worst (no flag on Clemson pass interference and then the turnover costing pylon call) were difference makers.

The Not Your Father’s Oldsmobile or Your Father’s Aggies Award goes to The Fighting Texas Aggies. Time definitely ran out before victory could be achieved.

The Danger, Danger, Will Robinson Award goes to the rest of the SEC from The Fighting Texas Aggies.

Happy Monday!

Monday, September 3, 2018 – My Monday After College Football Awards

Monday, September 3, 2018 – My Monday After College Football Awards

What a wonderful weekend of college football. Let’s get right to the awards.

My first two awards are the Class Awards. The first one goes to Maryland for honoring their late teammate Jordan McNair by lining up in a missing man formation. The second award goes to THE University of Texas for declining the penalty for ten men on the field.

The always favorite Poopy Undies Award goes to Penn State for scaring their fans into OT but winning against Appalachian State 45-38.

The following teams receive The Dominator Award for scoring big numbers on cupcake teams.

  • OU 63 – FAU 14
  • *Mississippi State 63 – SFA 6
  • *Texas A&M 59 – Northwestern 7
  • Oklahoma State 58 – Missouri State – 17
  • *Arkansas 55 – E. Illinois 20
  • Baylor 55 – Abilene Christian 27
  • TCU 55 – Southern 7
  • *Florida 53 – Charleston South 6
  • *Alabama 51 – Louisville 14
  • *Missouri 51 – UT Martin 14
  • Clemson 48 – Furman 7
  • *Ole Miss 47 – Texas Tech 27
  • *Georgia 45 – Austin Peay 0
  • WVU 40 – Tennessee 14 Really Tennessee? I thought this was your year. You looked as faded as your checkerboard end zones.

The following teams receive a Timex Award because they all took a licking but kept on ticking. Those gate receipts will buy lots of athletic tape for the bumps and bruises.

  • FAU 14- OU 63
  • SFA 6 – Mississippi State 63
  • Northwestern 7 – Texas A&M 59
  • Abilene Christian 27- Baylor 55
  • E. Illinois 20 – Arkansas 55
  • Southern 7 – TCU 55
  • Charleston South – 6 Florida 53
  • Louisville 14 – Alabama 51
  • UT Martin 14 Missouri 51
  • Furman 7 – Clemson 48
  • Austin Peay 0 – Georgia 45
  • Texas Tech 27 – Ole Miss 47
  • WVU 40 – Tennessee 14

Moving on down the Awards Field.

The Remember the Aggie/UCLA Game Award goes to Michigan State, THE University of Texas and LSU for getting far ahead and then fighting for the win in the fourth quarter. You must play the entire 60 minutes.

THE University of Texas also receives the Falling from the Top Award because that performance did not meet TOP 25 team expectations. Sorry, Bevo, but spurts of good plays with promise will not cut the mustard on the hotdogs.

Of course the Exploding Head Coach Award goes to Nick Saban. Coach Saban did apologize to the commentator for losing his temper, but come on – QUIT ASKING ABOUT THE ALABAMA QUARTERBACKS!

The Weather Delay Awards – To any team that had to leave the field and return after a significant amount of time due to lighting. HWIT – Weather delays change the game. I think it is a conspiracy between God and ESPN to get more people to stream sports on ESPN+ and ESNP3.

The YIKES Award goes to the Washington Huskies who lost to Auburn 21 to 16 in a real dog and cat fight. This is your best team, PAC 12? Yikes.

The Old Lady, Never Played or Coached Football Award (TOLNPCF) goes to every team and every player who was DQ for targeting. The following suggestion is engraved on the imaginary trophy. DO NOT TARGET the opposite player. TOLNPCF also thinks there should be a first time warning before ejection.

The asterisk (*) notes school in the SEC. You know that commercial where the girl says “SEC. It just means more?” What that really means is “SEC. We’re just better than you are.”

Happy Labor Day.

Friday, August 31, 2018 – Snarky Friday

Friday, August 31, 2018 – Snarky Friday

Happy Snarky Football Friday. Last night we had the opportunity to see two schools’ fund raisers to fund their entire athletic department. Pistol Pete and the Cowboys of Oklahoma State beat Missouri State 58-17. That Mullet is looking good, Mike.

Kyle Field 8.30.18 Photo by KB

Of course my eyes were glued to the Texas Aggies versus Northwestern State. I told you, Demons, that Kyle Field was loud. Three false starts in a row on the first series. Twelfth Man.

Of course we all held our breath when Northwestern scored in the Fourth Quarter. So what if the Aggies were ahead 50+ to zero. Final score Aggies 59 and Northwestern 7 plus a large percentage the gate receipts like Missouri State gets.

In the horrible 11:00 AM spot on Saturday we have following games with teams who must have done something back to get stuck here.

In the O-State battle we find Ohio State and Oregon State on ABC. The Beavers and Suspension.

Also at the non-football game time of 11 am we find THE University of Texas and Maryland on FS 1. Was it really necessary to throw Texas coach, Tom Herman, under that bus because he went to a strip club with the domestic abuser? What are you trying to do? Go dot your “I” with a tuba, Ohio State.

Hotty Totty, God Almighty! On ESPN we have the Rebels of Old Miss and the Raiders of Texas Tech. I do not think you are allowed to throw tortillas at NRG Stadium in Houston or write graffiti on the buses, Tech.

The Sooners of Oklahoma and QB Kyler Murray take on FAU (whoever that is and I’m too lazy to look it up) on FOX. I hope Murray has gained some weight. When he played for Texas A&M, he looked like he was one tackle away from a body cast.

Clemson and Furman kickoff at 11:20 on ACC Network. Come on Furman Paladins. Hope Clemson is looking ahead to next week.

The dogs are let out at 2:30 when the Washington Huskies meet the Auburn Tigers. This could be big for both the PAC 12 and the SEC conferences. It’s on ABC.

Opposite on CBS we find the Georgia Bulldogs playing the Austin Peay Governors. UGA going to peay all over the Governors.

Speaking of bulldogs. At 6:30 on ESPNU it’s the Lumberjacks of Stephen F. Austin and the Mississippi State Bulldogs. I must root for SFA since I have papers from there. However, I fear that Bullie will pee on the pines before the Jacks can give them the Ax.

In the big game, the Tide comes rolling in as Alabama and Louisville kickoff at 7:00 on ABC. In a Snark closing, I would like to say the following to all of the sports mouths. Nick Saban will decide who starts at quarterback for Alabama. All of you mouths are just speculating. I’m sure if Coach Saban needs your input he will call you. Roll Tide.

Friday, August 24, 2018 – The Snark Officially Arrives

Friday, August 24, 2018 – The Snark Officially Arrives

How many schools were mentioned in yesterday’s HWIT? While you are thinking, I shall Snark Onward through the Fog.

But let’s back up. Santino Marchiol – a redshirt freshman who transferred to Arizona in June claims Texas A&M mishandled his ankle injury, provided money for recruits on unofficial visits and ran summer workouts that exceeded the maximum time allowed. The NCAA is investigating.

Marchiol played his senior season at IMG Academy in Bradenton, Florida. It is a private boarding school for athletes to improve their abilities in various sports such as tennis, soccer, golf and lacrosse. It fielded its first American football (as opposed to soccer) team in 2013. Standard tuition for one year of boarding at IMG Academy is $68,500 plus a team sport competition and training gear fee that ranges from $3,750-$4,250 depending on the sport. A single semester costs $39,400.

Here’s what I’m thinking.

Dear Transfer Student Marchiol – AKA Whimp, Wuss and Lady Body part! Quit being an elitist whiney crybaby.

Just so you can transfer and play immediately without sitting out a year, you selfishly decided to try to throw your previous team under the bus. You took the money so that makes you complicit in your allegations.

Your claims include too long for practice sessions and films sessions exceeding the eight hours allowed a week by the NCAA. Did you have a stopwatch and were keeping time?

I do hope your transfer to Arizona is a better fit for you. I am glad you recognized that you are not tough enough to play for the Aggies or any school in the SEC. I really don’t think you could succeed at any school in the Big 12, ACC or a 6A high school team in Texas, Alabama or Georgia.

The Aggies have experienced teams under Kevin Sumlin. Even old ladies like me could have played linebacker better than some of Sumlin’s defenses. Good luck, especially in the fourth quarter. You may think it is hot in Florida or Texas, but you ain’t seen nothing like the heat of Arizona.

It seems to me that it is you versus the entire Aggie Nation. We shall see what you bring. However, those do not seem like good odds to me. Anyway, I hope you like Drake played during practices.

Sincerely,

The Snark

This weekend marks the first anniversary of Hurricane Harvey.

PS – Ten schools were mentioned. Texas A&M, Mississippi State, LSU, Arkansas, South Carolina, Florida, THE University of Texas, Baylor and Oklahoma State.

 

 

Thursday, August 23, 2018 – One Week and It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year – College Football Begins

Thursday, August 23, 2018 – One Week and It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year – College Football Begins

Follow the bouncing football and sing along to my version of It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year. Click on the arrow for the instrumental.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year;

The Aggies are Gigging,

The Cowbells are ringing,

The Tigers are here!

It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

It’s the hap, happiest season of all;

The Hogs are a rooting,

The Gamecocks are roosting,

The Gators are tall,

It’s the hap, happiest season of all.

They’ll be tailgates for hosting

With brags and such boastings

From bowl games from long, long ago.

There’ll be Nick Saban stories

Of tales of past glories

With Championship Rings just for show.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

The Horns are a Hooking,

The Bears are a looking,

The Cowboys are feared,

It’s the most wonderful time …

It’s the most wonderful time …

It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

Friday, August 17, 2018 – Snarky Friday

Friday, August 17, 2018 – Snarky Friday

Come along and be my party school; Come along and be my party school; come along and be my party school and I’ll flunk out with you.

Twelve thousand (12,000) Aggies move in this weekend. That is the estimated amount moving in to live on campus. This does not include off campus residents. Classes begin on August 27. I do not know why the first day of classes is not August 30. Might as well add to the total transportation and confusion on campus with Reveille VIII’s internment, freshman ticket pull, the SEC trucks setting up, tailgating and the season opener for the football team.

Snarking onward through the fog…

See where your alma mater or your school of support lays on this grid of Academics and Partying. I am confident the research done by Barstool Sports is accurate, reliable, and valid. I can speak from experience that research conducted in bars becomes louder and less reliable as the tequila shots become more abundant.

https://www.barstoolsports.com/barstoolu/an-advanced-analytical-look-at-the-academics-partying-college-chart-going-viral/

 

Here are my interpretations. I see most of the SEC conference in the Most Party/Least Academic quadrant, including Alabama, Auburn, LSU, Mississippi State and Ole Miss. Of course the Texas Aggies are Most Party/High Academic. Remember that an often forgotten attribute of why the SEC wanted the Aggies was – to raise the GPA of the SEC. Georgia in the same quadrant as the Aggies? Really? You host the Largest Cocktail Party when you play Florida!

From the Big 12 I see Texas Tech as Most Party/Least Academic. Of course if I had to live in Lubbock I would have to party 24/7. I see Baylor as Most Academic/Least Party. The surveyors obviously did not interview members of my family regarding the party aspect. Oklahoma State appears to be Most Party and Low academics. Again, if I had to live in Stillwater, I would do the same as if I lived in Lubbock. THE University of Texas at Austin in the High Party/High Academic. TU, just because you are in the same quadrant as Stanford, you cannot compete with them academically. Smart people versus super smart people.

I see BYU as the Least Party/Most Academic. Those Mormons don’t even drink Dr. Peppers! The Most Party/Least Academic “honor” goes to The University of West Virginia – Moonshine University where they burn sofas and couches when the football team wins.

I hope you can find you school of support. It appears many lie bunched around or on the axis.

It is indeed time for colleges and universities to move in and start to party. As the adage says “College is a fountain of knowledge where kids go to drink.” But don’t drink and drive.

Progress Report on the Proposed Re-creation of Neil Sedaka’s Calendar Girls Video

Wednesday, August 8, 2018 – Progress Report on the Proposed Re-creation of Neil Sedaka’s Calendar Girls Video

The Calendar Girls dance card is filling up quite nicely. Until we start official practices continue to sew and hot glue gun your costume and continue to work on your dance moves in the privacy of your home.

January, March, May and October are still available. And we still need a piano player. You know you want to see it again – like a wreck on the highway.

Unfortunately, January is now open. CS fell out of the choir box and her dancing shoes need to be put away for a while. We do hope for a speedy recovery. You must still participate by bringing your great sense of style, fashion ideas and of course your wonderful singing voice because I know some of us have experience in band take overs.

Joan A said she would love to be February but insists on wearing “winter clothes and a big heart.” February in Texas could mean any attire. Attire in Austin could mean anything.

March is still available. Gayla? I think you might have had a pants suit like March wears. If Gayla doesn’t respond, Karen K, March is yours.

April – Ms. Navasota is diligently sewing her Playboy Bunny outfit. I am ready to help if her sewing machine breaks.

May – I can’t believe the month of May is still available. Doesn’t anyone want to look like Joann Woodward in Three Faces of Eve wearing a 1950’s frock made from Butternick Pattern # 4589? The black and white stripe fabric design is a must. I missed the giant white bow on her dress in the video.

June –Congratulations Suzi. The month of June is yours since Knotts is still scared of you. K. Knotts did volunteer her talents from her drill team experience – The LongAgo LongViewettes to help us get a leg up. (Groan here). She’ll help us get our pictures in the Longview Society Edition.

July – Thank you Lea for being July. We trust you know how to handle sparklers. And remember as The Voice of Experience says – Don’t dance naked in the back yard with sparklers while drunk on New Year’s Eve.

August – I get to be August for the following reasons:

  • I can still point so there less downward gravitational pull (thank you trainers KQ and KB and 20 pound barbells);
  • Thankfully, both pointers are still intact; and last, but not least;
  • I have more experience wearing martyr boards with tassels and can do the tassel toss automatically.

September – Karen S gets September. You will look good in yellow. I hope there are not too many candles. Lea will be sparkling with fireworks so we must be careful. You do realize you have to dance on the piano, do a high kick and have the piano player look up your skirt?

October – “like Romeo and Juliet on Halloween” but in a really bad outfit. Who wants to be the Italian opera clown?

November – Martha, My Dear. You missed your chance. Kay took November. She gets to wear the 1920’s men’s bathing suit pattern.

December – BJ, December is still yours and you are correct. Neil seems to be a bit calendar challenged too. The winter months do seem to have more bikini outfits. With the exception of the Halloween clown, all of the “dancers” seem to show a lot of skin – especially for 1966.

Please know that CS was in only if she could wear the colors of the BCS National Championship. Since she is on the injured reserve and requested the BCS School’s colors, you can have January. CS would not look good in Crimson Tide colors and would never consider wearing any colors save purple and gold.