Monthly Archives: November 2017

Tuesday, November 28, 2017 – Wossamotta U?

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Tuesday, November 28, 2017 – Wossamotta U?

Good Morning, Class. Today we have a guest speaker who is going to talk to us about Internet Neutrality. So let’s all behave and listen.

He is from Frostbite Falls, Minnesota and attended college on a football scholarship. He received an Honorary Mooster’s Degree from his alma mater, Wossamotta U. He is able to remember everything he has eaten. Please welcome, Bullwinkle J. Moose.

(applause, applause, applause)

Ah. Hello boys and girls! This big organization called the Federal Communications Commission in Washington D. C. wants take over control of the now free internet.

The Information Super Highway is about to become the INFORMATION TOLL ROAD! And you get stuck with the toll. If you let this happen I will say “What is the matter with you?” very much like Wossamotta U?

Sorry, gotta go now. Rocky just called and I am needed to flex my moose muscles. It’s that pesky Boris and Natasha again.

Thank you, Mr.Bullwinkle. Be safe.

Now, boys and girls, let’s get out tablets and write our congress people.

What I think of FCC’s idea.

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Posted in Education, humor

Monday, November 27, 2017 – Who’s In the National Playoff Foursome?

Posted on November 27, 2017 | Leave a comment

Monday, November 27, 2017 – Who’s In the National Playoff Foursome?

Since I only write about teams I like and teams that play teams I like, there are very few awards this Monday. This is due to the fact that almost all my teams lost in a most distressing and upsetting fashion.

Granted LSU is one of my teams, except when they play the Aggies. So Geaux Tigers.

In addition to Who’s In, the better question is Who’s Out? The Coaching Carousel Merry Go Round Award goes to Arkansas, Texas A&M, Arizona State, Mississippi State and others to follow. Florida, Ole Miss and UCLA hired new guys. Then Tennessee hired somebody, but then took it back. Is Jimbo Fisher really interested in Texas A&M? Maybe the entire coaching staffs from Austin Westlake or Lake Travis High School would be worth a look.

The Crappola Bowl Awards go to all of my teams who will be playing in bowl games with strange sponsors for a dinky trophy. This will give T-shirt manufactures job security.

The Iron Bowl Deficiency Award goes to the fans of Alabama.

The William T. Sherman Award goes to Auburn in hopes that the War Eagles will march through Georgia like Sherman to the Sea! But, I really do not care about either team. YUK.

The Best Hope for Texas Football Award goes to TCU. Please let TCU win the Big 12 Championship. Otherwise, the best college football teams in Texas are The University of North Texas and Sam Houston State University.

Thank goodness it is basketball season. How soon until March?

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Posted in Alabama, Coach Kevin Sumlin, Coach Nick Saban, college basketball, College Football, Education, humor

Thursday, November 23, 2017 – The Honeyboy Rules of Life

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Thursday, November 23, 2017 – The Honeyboy Rules of Life

On this Thanksgiving let us remember The Honeyboy rules of living and life.

Tell at least one person each day that you appreciate them.
Whatever it is, if you have faith, it will all work out.
Regardless of the situation, there is always lots to be thankful for.

Maybe each of you find blessings and peace on this day and for all the days to come.

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Posted in Uncategorized

Tuesday, November 21, 2017 – T’was Two Days Before Thanksgiving

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Tuesday, November 21, 2017 – T’was Two Days Before Thanksgiving

T’was two days before Thanksgiving and all through the house not a creature was stirring except the turkeys and they were pretty damn scared.

Did you know male turkeys gobble and female turkeys click? Female turkeys make a clicking noise. “Turkeys are very social animals who spend their nights grouped in flocks and perched on tree branches to stay away from predators. In the morning, they let out a wake-up call – a series of soft yelps – to make certain their fellow turkeys in the roosting group made it safely through the nights. With all accounted for, they descend to begin their day.” Source: Extension Illinois.Edu

Here’s what I thinking. First, of all that description sounds like some of the Austin Aurora Deck parties, but no time for flashbacks today. Back to the turkeys.

What does is mean “with all accounted for?” Do they count? Branches check? Like a bed check? Perhaps they call roll. Tom? Tom, Jr? Butterball?

What do turkeys do when “they descend to begin their day?” Do they have jobs? Go to school?

What happens if their fellow turkeys do not make it safely through the night and are kinda lying lifeless below the roost? Do they sing “Poor Judd is dead” from Oklahoma? Maybe a chorus of Turkey in the Straw?

I hope these and other fascinating questions provide conversation starters for your Thanksgiving meal. Ya’ll be thankful, you Turkeys!

Family story; When the railroad was being built through Colfax, La, Uncle Clarence told the “minority group” working that turkey buzzards were good to eat.” The railroad lost almost 3 days of laying track due to sickness.

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Posted in Education, humor, Native Texan

Monday, November 20, 2017 – Monday After College Football Awards Show

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Monday, November 20, 2017 – Monday After College Football Awards Show

I must admit I did not watch a great deal of college football this weekend. But I did click around on some TV channels and tablet screens and of course have some comments. So Here’s what I’m Thinking.

Let’s start with the West Coast.

The Blue Field of Nightmares Award goes to Boise State. The uniforms were the same color as the blue football field. This is just wrong and should be banned by the NCAA because of possible seizure causings.

The Really Smart and Strange People Award goes to Cal and Stanford with the Cardinal (remember it’s a color, not a bird) winning 14 to 17. Is the Stanford Band still on probation?

The Last Minute Kick Award goes to the Washington Huskies defeating Utah 30 -33 as time expires. I like Utah because I like to use the quote from My Cousin Vinny regarding “the two yutes” or this case “the Utes.”

Moving to the Heartland we find…

The Pistol Pete Pooped Out Award goes to Oklahoma State for losing to Kansas State 40-45.

Our Anatomical Suggestive Bad Sportsmanship Award goes to quarterback Baker Mayfield of Oklahoma for suggesting that Kansas players perform an action unsuited for observation by the public.

Mayfield also receives the Do You Talk to Your Mother Like That? Award. I counted at least eight beeps. It probably will not hurt your Heisman chances, Baker, but you do not see Johnny Manziel or Jameis Winston in the Heisman Commercials. Stupid Heisman winners do not make the videos.

Moving South we find…

The Cakewalk Awards going to The Tide for demolishing Mercer 56-0 and to Auburn for similar scoring against UL Monroe 42-13 UL Monroe. At least we know where UL Monroe is located. Where the Hell is Mercer? Get ready for The Iron Bowl next Saturday. ROLL TIDE!

In anticipation of Thanksgiving game the LSU Tigers warmed up by beating Tennessee. That was some ugly colors on the TV. Faded is just a not a good color on anybody.

Big Solid’s Alma Mater, Mississippi State handled Arkansas quite well, but then again, who doesn’t?

The only game I actually watched was The Fighting Aggies and their Defense defeat Ole Miss. A Big Solid Award goes to the Aggie defense. A True Big Solid Award goes to the Aggies Derrick Tucker for intercepting a pass and returning it for a touchdown. WHOOP!

And now a song for Thanksgiving…

Over the river and the through the swamp to Baton Rouge we go; The Ags know the way; we just have to play; to get a win today! Hey!

Over the river and through bayous to Death Valley Stadium we go; We’ve been there before, but this time is different; This time we win on the road, Hey!

Over the river and down Highway 10; the Aggie bus rolls true; For tis Thanksgiving Day and we just had to say Beat the Hell Out of LSU!

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Posted in Alabama, Coach Kevin Sumlin, Coach Nick Saban, College Football, college football, Education, humor, LSU, Misc., Native Texan, Texas Aggies

November 18, 1999 – 2:42 AM

Posted on November 18, 2017 | Leave a comment

November 18, 1999 – 2:42 AM

Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here

It’s just another Corps Trip. We’ll march in behind The Band.

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Posted in Native Texan

Tagged Aggie Bonefire 1999, Texas Aggies; Texas A&M University

Thursday, November 16, 2017 – Snarky Football Thursday

Posted on November 16, 2017 | 1 comment

Thursday, November 16, 2017 – Snarky Football Thursday

I know it is Thursday and the Football Snark appears on Friday. But I must leave the country tomorrow and go to Austin. I am not at liberty to tell you where I am going in the Still Land of the Weird, but there will be metal detectors, secret service, no purses or backpacks, no phones allowed, you may have nothing your hands and your car keys will be returned to you as you exit. If still interested, check out Bookpeople.com and Friday’s event.

So the Snark arrives early and let us see what is happening Saturday in college football? Are you kidding me? What idiots at ESPN, ABC, CBS and SEC are in charge of programming and scheduling? There are nine football games at 11:00 am. Ten, if you count Clemson and The Citadel at 11; 20. Eight of those 11:00 AM games are Top 25 Ranked teams. Who is in charge of this? The intern from the Community College? Someone who hates football?

Who at ESPN thought Oklahoma and Kansas in prime time at 2:30 would be worth watching? Were you looking at a basketball schedule?

I am happy that Texas A&M University and The University of Mississippi (Ole Miss) are schedule for 6:00 PM on ESPN2. Since the game will be played in Oxford, the Grove will be active all day with greetings of Howdy and Hotty Toddy as traditions for the visiting Aggie Former Students and the Ole Miss alums prepare as their teams play for pride; with glorious runs and plays, rousing cheers and bands of the grand times of glory playing with spirit until the victor leaves the field in honor and glory. (How was I doing? I was doing a Faulkner sentence.)

How about a little John Grisham? The contract lawyers at Texas A&M University and Florida State University poured over loop holes in their respective coaches’ contracts until the wee hours. The A&M Lawyers said “We must wait until the LSU game ends before we can make an offer to Jimbo Fisher.” The Florida State lawyer replied “Coach Fisher’s contract is valid until 2024 at $5.55 million per year. Is the university prepared to pay his buyout?” To be continued.

Meanwhile back in Oxford.

“Are You Ready?

Hell Yeah! Damn Right!

Hotty Toddy, Gosh Almighty,

Who The Hell Are We? Hey!

Flim Flam, Bim Bam

Ole Miss By Damn!”

Hotty Toddy, my butt!

BTHO Ole Miss!

Lay those pennies and Lawrence Sullivan”s feet for strength and good luck and Gig’Em Aggies!.

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Posted in Coach Kevin Sumlin, College Football, college football, humor, Native Texan, Texas Aggies

Wednesday, November 15, 2017 – The Literary Cat

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Wednesday, November 15, 2017 – The Literary Cat

Peach here. Dr. Biped has gone to wherever Bipeds go when they leave. She will be so excited when she returns and see that I did HWIT for her today.

Like Dr. Biped I so do like me some Grit Lit. These are books about The South and grits are mentioned at least once in every chapter of a Grit Lit book. In addition to grits in almost every book about The South there are honest people, dishonest people, poor people, rich people, black people, white people, uneducated people, white trash people, black trash people, cotton, incest, adultery, crime, racism, white supremacy, bigotry, honkytonks, juke joints, rape, pillage plunder, populist crooked governments, religious zealots, crazy people, stealing, cheating, lying, and guns.

These are just a few of Dr. Biped’s favs of Grit Lit authors. You will need Google them to see what part of The South they wrote about.. I probably left out a few names, so Shelby Cat; feel free to scratch in some more names.

Tennessee Williams
William Faulkner
Erskine Caldwell
Walker Percy
Harper Lee
Lalita Tademy
Zora Neale Hurston
John Kennedy Toole
John M. Barry
Margaret Mitchell
Jill Conner Browne

Dr. Biped thinks things like, “Honey Chile, if ya’ll ain’t read any of these here books, then you don’t know grits from shit about the South.”

As soon as I post this to the internet I am going to starting writing a screen play. I am going to call it “Cat on a Warm Glass Sun Roof” by Peach. Maybe I should nap first.

Cat on a Warm Glass Sun Roof By Tennessee Peach Williams.

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Posted in Education, humor

Tagged The South

Tuesday, November 14, 2017 – Shopping for Jeans

Posted on November 15, 2017 | 1 comment

Tuesday, November 14, 2017 – Shopping for Jeans

Right up there with root canals and hot water enemas, I enjoy shopping for clothes. I put off doing it until I am in great need of new garments and end up spending a big wad of money. I usually shop online, but I even put that off until the last moment this time.

I needed jeans – formerly known as blue jeans. My best pair was probably from George W’s first term. I also have a favorite, super soft pair of jeans that one can determine the color of my underwear now that the hole in the seat is bigger.

Remember when you went into a department store and said “I need a pair of jeans sized, 34 x 34”? Historical note to millennials – once upon a time there were stores with people who assisted you and said things like “May I help you find something?”

Today I was prepared. First I decided to shop at the local western store (plug for Cavender’s Boots) because it specializes in jeans and it was having a sale.

I walked in and a Tom Mix looking cowboy asked “Can I point you in the right direction for something?”

Me: “I need jeans, please.” We begin to walk toward walls, racks, and shelves of jeans.

Upon arrival I say “I want a true blue, size 14, 34 length, boot cut or straight leg, relax fit, true waist, minimal stretch, no skinny, and absolutely no sequins, rhinestones, fake jewels, or shiny designs that might glow in the dark on the back pockets.”

Cowboy Tom looks scared, began to perspire and says “Let me get one of the girls to help.”

Cowgirl Megan shows up and I am out of the store and On the Road Again (W. Nelson) in 15 minutes with two pair of jeans, four shirts and a belt. And a credit card charge to be paid off next month. But at least one cannot determine the color of my underwear.

Now I look something like in this picture except about 60 years older and without the orthopedic saddle oxford shoes.

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Posted in humor, Native Texan

Monday, November 13, 2017 – My Monday after Saturday College Football Awards

Posted on November 13, 2017 | 1 comment

Monday, November 13, 2017 – My Monday after Saturday College Football Awards

Goodness Gracious! Great Balls of Fire! What a college football weekend. There were blowouts and nail biters. Let us begin.

Every team and its fan base get an extra-large Poopy Undies Trophy. Even if one of your alma maters wins with 50+ points because it was that kind of season.

The I’ll Have Another Bloody Mary Award goes to LSU who at the unreasonable hour of 11:00 AM defeated Arkansas. What ESPN programming executive put LSU and Arkansas at 11:00 AM? Dude (or Dudettte) have you ever been to Baton Rouge or Louisiana? Even my relatives had only had a couple of drinks by that time. Nevertheless, Mike the Tiger did fry up some bacon.

Oklahoma State in a rallying thriller from Ames, Iowa come back to win over Iowa State. The Cowboys win the Believer Receiver Award for the interception in the end zone in the closing seconds of regulation.

Shifting to the afternoon…

The Somebody Called PETA Award goes to Auburn for beating the former # 1 ranked Georgia Bulldogs 40-17. Poor UGA!

Bevo and THE University of Texas were victorious over Kansas. Does it really count if you beat Kansas in football?

Koach Kliff and the Tortilla Throwers beat Baylor. Does it count if it’s Baylor?

Texas and Baylor both receive The Terminator Award because both schools should say “I’ll Be Back!”

And to the evening games…

In the Catholics and Convicts Redux Bowl (Google it) Miami (The U) beat the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame. ND played like a team in the Nun’s Annual Sisters of the Poor Intermural Tournament. Therefore, the Irish win the Nun’s Annual Sisters of the Poor Intermural Tournament Trophy.

TCU receives The Endangered Frog Award. The OU Sooner Schooner left frog guts all along the Road to the Big 12 Championship game. Bedlam II in December???

In a thriller from Kyle Field Texas A&M defeated The University of New Mexico. FYI 55 to 14 is a thriller in Aggieland. Remember you must show up for the 4th Quarter. Remember UCLA?

Speaking of a true thrilling and exciting game we had the Alabama/Miss State. Both teams are awarded:

On The Edge of My Seat Award,

The Nail Biter Award,

Where Are My Salts? Award

The I Need Oxygen Award,

The I Bet BJ and J, Lisa and R and J and Big Sold Just Fainted Award

The Big Solid Cussing Award and

The I’m Exhausted Award.

Thank you both teams and schools for a thrilling show of SEC football. Please sign the soon to be released petition to change the name of The Iron Bowl Game to The QBs from Texas Game.

Turn in Friday as The Snark Returns and The Aggies Head to Oxford, Mississippi – Home of one of my literary heroes – William Cutbirth Faulkner.

This awards program was brought to you by The Volunteer, Twelfth Man, and Razorback Moving Company. Bon voyage to Butch at Tennessee, and soon to be part of the SEC Coaching Shakeups – Sumlin at TAMU and Bielema at Arkansas. Good luck to all of you. Sit down, Bus Driver, and drive the moving van.