Monthly Archives: October 2010

There’s An App For That

There’s An App For That

With the Congressional elections only days away here’s what I’m thinking about the Republican Candidate from Delaware running for a United States Senate seat.

Last Tuesday, October, 19, Christine O’Donnell boo-booed badly in a debate with her Democratic opponent, Chris Coons. It seems the Republican candidate asked as a retort “Where in the Constitution is the separation of church and state?” Then adding further insult to the proverbial injury, she continued with “You mean to tell me that it’s in the First Amendment?”

Yes, Christine, there is a First Amendment.  Perhaps you just go with the witchcraft thing. I mean what says Founding Fathers’ Fundamentalism more that New England witchcraft? Besides being able to caste a few spells in Congress might be beneficial. Also, you’ve got that Stephen King, killer car with a mind of its own namesake – Christine.

But Chrissy, not having a fundamental knowledge of the United States Constitution does not look good on your video resume. Just so you will know ITunes has an app for all of the important historical documents.  A quick download to your phone or pod will do you wonders.  Of course you will have to read it and more importantly you will have to understand it.

The Vanderbilt First Amendment Center noted that most Americans cannot tell you the freedoms guaranteed by the First Amendment.  Can you? Do not scroll to the bottom where the answers are until you finish reading.

Same Center also reported the 50% of the American people believe the U. S. Constitutions establishes a Christian nation.  I guess the other 50% of us actually have an app and an understanding.

Another suggestion for you.  You might want to brush up on some of the more famous, legal changing Supreme Court cases.  Abortion? Gays? Gays in the Military? Immigration? Illegal Aliens from Planet Kooky? Anything? You came up with nothing? There’s an app for that.

Last, but obvious not least, Ms. O’Donnell, Delaware was the first state to ratify the U. S. Constitution in 1787. There’s an app for that too.

Good luck on Tuesday to you and all of the others.  Remember God protects fools, drunks and the United States of America.  Vote Early. Vote Often.


Freedom of speech, freedom of press, freedom of religion, freedom of assembly, and right to petition the government.





Request for Names

Request for Names

(RFN # 999-10-001)

Closing Date: The End of Daylight Savings Time 2010

The As Yet Unnamed Home School of One (AYUHSOO) is requesting appropriate and inappropriate suggestions for the name of the school, the selection of a school mascot and a name for the selected mascot.  In previous times, semi-legal documents such as these would have gone through various levels of bureaucracy and competency to ensure all bases were covered and all CYA documents were included. However, this is not true at this time.


In February, 2009, the As Yet Unnamed School of One decided to open the nomenclature process to the general public. Then the student became an exchange student in Hammock and the motion was tabled.

The color khaki was selected to be the school color. This color was selected because:

  • it pretty much looks good on everybody
  • is readily available
  • comes in pants, skirts and shorts
  • allows one to personalize with favorite colors
  • is the color of most of the people of the world.

Submission Process

Interested applicants may submit their suggested names for the school and the mascot by leaving a Comment at Applicants may submit as many names as desired.

The school name and mascot selection and name will be scored separately, but should contain some commonality. While it is suggested that type and name of mascot match, it is not required.  For example, Stanford University historically turns out some of the best minds in the world in multiple fields. The mascot is a Cardinal, but a weird tree looking creature roams the sidelines and courtsides. Go figure.

School Name Selection

Selection criteria for the school name includes, but is not limited to,

  • Looks good on golf shirts
  • Easiest logo to paint on signs
  • Best fit into a school song, should there be one
  • Best rhymes with school cheers
  • Those judged under the influence of Patron or Smoking Loon.

Mascot Selection

Mascot suggestions may be real, fictional, fantasy and may be animal, vegetable or mineral. Applicants must submit a type of mascot and the name for the mascot.  For example, dog is the type of mascot while Reveille is the name of the mascot.  Got it?

Mascot Scoring Criteria

Scoring criteria include, but are not limited to,

  • If the mascot is real, where will it relieve itself and who is responsible for cleanup?
  • If the mascot is costumed, how easy is it to go to the bathroom when wearing the costume?
  • Who hot is the costume?
  • How cool is the costume? This means in terms of ventilation.
  • How cool is the costume? This is the cool factor.

The top three names for the school and the top three mascots will be selected by the committee. These will then be voted upon by the general constituency.

Contact Information

From the True Files from Form Factories

Wm B. Travis – Applicants who call and ask to speak to Mr. Travis, please note, this identifies you immediately as a newcomer to Texas. Travis is the name of the building. Mr. Travis, along with the other 185 died at The Alamo.  This automatically disqualifies you for being stupid and ill informed.

Too Stupid to Live – Should your previous applications contain sticky notes with TSTL and is filed in a drawer with the same initials, your application may still be submitted and will be scored. However, you have been labeled by one or more grant experts as Too Stupid To Live.This is due to the inability of principals, librarians, curriculum directors, instructional coaches and others who might have a role to:

  • to read
  • to write, and
  • perform addition, subtraction, multiplication and division on a sixth grade level

Review Panel

A review panel will convene as soon as a sufficient number of names have been submitted.  The review panel shall consist of:

  • A doctor, a lawyer and an Indian Chief
  • A brain, an athlete, a basket case, a princess, and a criminal
  • At least two certified and certifiable public school superintendents.

Note: Applications will receive extra point is they can name the movie quoted above.  Additional points will be given if the applicant can actually name the actors who played those parts.


To the radical red states, tea party followers, and far right fundamentalist no condoms or birth control topics are a part of this RFN.


In the event no selections are made, the school will continue to use AYUHSOO which is hard to say, doesn’t rhyme with any word in the modern English language and sounds like a sneeze. So leave a comment in the comment section.



Thong Cyclist

NEWS FLASH – a man wearing nothing but an iridescent thong and a smile has been seen riding a bicycle along Far West Blvd. in Northwest Austin. The ASUNHSOO was on lock down.  The principal, doing her civic and community-minded duty, waited an hour at the Starbucks anxiously looking out the window to see the cyclist. However, there was no sighting.  Those who reported seeing the cyclist state “he wears different colored thongs.” Other than that there appears to be very little physical description.

Leave It to Beaver

On a sad note, Barbara Billingsly passed away. Our beloved June Cleaver. So let’s get our pearls, put on a dress, high heels and vacuum the floor while the cookies are baking.

Weekend update from the Glow Ball Golf Tournament

The ASUNHSOO golf team played in a glow ball golf tournament Saturday night. There were eight teams of four. The format was best ball. Each player in the foursome received three glow balls. These golf balls are transparent and have a one inch glow stick inserted. I am not certain why this is called glow ball.  A more fitting name would be “@#$%, it is DARK out here!”  While one could see the balls upon teeing off, after that it was pretty much get out the flashlights.

There was no depth perception so it was difficult to see how far to hit, what club to use, and how to use it. Hitting out of the grass is difficult enough, but to not be able to see the grass makes the shot almost impossible.  What was impossible was putting in the dark.  While the flag stick had a small glow stick and the hole itself had a very small glow bracelet, one putted blindly in the dark.  The rules stated that one could use their flashlight to find the ball, but upon finding it, the flashlight was to be turned off. I can’t putt in the daytime! Nevertheless, somehow my team made four pars. Yours truly placed closest to the pin on Hole 8 and won a lovely set of wine glasses. Overall, we placed fourth, missing third by a single stroke.

Last, but not least. Tomorrow,  October 19, the Request for Names (RFN) will be released. So put on your Thinking Cap. It is time to suggest names for the As Yet Unnamed Home School of One.

Columbus Day

Happy Columbus Day

A day to celebrate the first immigrants to America.  Columbus was the quintessential bureaucrat and politician.  He did not know where he was going.  He did not know where he was when he got there and he did it all on borrowed money. Furthermore, he “ran off” the natives and took the land, all in the name of the government.

The ASUNHSOO is off today celebrating the day. However, this news release is just in.


The State Board of Education mandated to textbook publishers that all science and math textbooks will now use Roman Numerals in stead of Arabic.

“…the use of Arabic numbers denote a positive attitude toward Islam,” said board member Iona Faith. “Because Arabs are Muslims, and Muslims practice Islam, and some radical Islamites are terrorists.  Therefore, we are protecting the boys and girls from terrorists.”

Rooty Toot Toot & Sons textbooks publishers asked “Wasn’t it the Romans who persecuted the Christians and actually tried and crucified Jesus?”

Ms. Faith answered, “Yes, but that is in the Bible, so it is acceptable.”

Textbook publisher, Brother-in-law & Kickback, stated “This comes as no surprise to our publishing organization.  The use of Roman numerals will compliment our chapter on turning lead into gold and our chapter on the sun orbiting the earth.”



Random Writings – Cat Flat Friday

Random Writings – Friday

Two assignments are due today.  One is the current event and the other is your science paper.

Let’s do the current event first.

Prompt: Tell about a current event in pop culture

Dancing With the Stars Update

  • Hasselloff – off
  • Michael – bolted
  • Cho – go
  • Palin – ailing (she finished in the bottom two behind Margaret Cho)

And now your science paper.

Cat Flat

I have a cat named Buddy.  His official name is Buddy T. Cat with the “T” standing for The.  Recently, Buddy became ill and had to have a visit from the mobile veterinarian and medicine to be given twice daily. This is what is wrong with the health care system.  Buddy’s home doctor visit for his health care was $500.  My long term care policy is $2000, but that is another story.

Shortly after his medicinal intake began I noticed a definite change. The medicine gives him gas.  First of all, I was not aware that cats perform this bodily function. Nevertheless feline flatulence exists. These are silent, eye-watering, gag-reflexing, room clearing, near deadly passages of gas.  There’s nothing like being riveted to a TV program and suddenly the room fills with odorous aromas potent enough to wake the dead. My favorite is the morning wake-up call.  His butt is usually pointed at my face. I awake to a foul smelling odor that is strong enough to rouse the dead, heal the sick and make the blind see. It is better than any alarm clock to get you out of bed.

If I could harness this gas, I am certain I could invent something that would be Nobel worthy.  But how does one capture and store feline farts? And what uses would there be for cat flatulence?  One current possibility could be for military use.  I guarantee a couple of tear gas canisters laced with feline farts will clear the caves of Al Qaeda if not the next village.

Perhaps I will do my science fair project on this topic.  Maybe Miss Lillian will judge.

Until then I will have to endure Fluffy the Farting Feline.

Random Writings – Thursday – Amazon

While I think is one of the greatest things to come along since Velcro it does freak me out when they project my interests.  I received this email the other day.

Dear Customer,

We’ve noticed that customers who have purchased or rated The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas have also purchased Big Pun: The Legacy on DVD. For this reason, you might like to know that Big Pun: The Legacy will be released on September 28, 2010.  You can pre-order yours by following the link below.

Big Pun: The Legacy chronicles the life of the Grammy Nominated artist Big Pun aka Christopher Rios, a Puerto Rican from the Bronx who made history by becoming the first Latino rapper to sell over a million records. Final footage of Big Pun one day before his death. Includes never before heard Big Pun track.

Explain to me this. What exactly is the comparative aspect of these two DVDs? I do not recall Burt Reynolds or Dolly Parton rapping in Puerto Rican in the Best Little Whorehouse movie. I also missed Houston’s Channel 13, KTRK’s,  the late Marvin Zindler rapping as he broke the news that Texas had a whorehouse in it referring of course to the actual chicken ranch in LaGrange. This gave rise to one of many great lines from BLW “… and that came as news to any child under the age of two and anybody who lived in Texas for less than two weeks.”

Maybe the Ladies of LaGrange were similar to the Ladies of the Bronx. Maybe Miss Mona moved to the Bronx and became an inspiration for Big Pun. Anyway Amazon seemed to find some comparison.  However, I will not be ordering Big Pun.

Random Writings – Wednesday – Me & My Calvins

Nothing Comes Between Me & My Calvins

Remember the 1980’s Calvin Klein jean commercial with a 15 year old Brooke Sheilds provocatively purring about nothing coming between her and her Calvins?

Recently on the Ellen DeGeneres show, Brooke declared she could still fit into that size jean.  At 45 she can still fit into the same size jeans she wore at age 15.

Guess what Brooke and Calvin?  So can I at age 61. I wear the same size blue jeans I wore in high school and college(s). So “nothing comes between me and my Wranglers.” Except Hanes underwear.

Random Writings – Tuesday – Lights Out

Lights Out

“Turn Out the lights; the party’s over. They say that all, good things must end.” I used to love to hear Dandy Don Meridith sing that on Monday Night Football. It signaled the end of the game whether the game was officially over or not.  Now the lyrics literally signal the end of an era.

GE’s Winchester, Virginia’s incandescent light bulb factory is closing.  It began making Thomas Edison’s new invention in the late 1800’s shortly after the glowing bulb was introduced. At one time the factor produced over three billion bulbs a year. Now we must use those more expensive, difficult to dispose of, energy-efficient curly light bulbs.

Once again, American jobs shipped overseas and south of the Rio Grande. The articles states you can get a three-way bulb in Mexico.  I am thinking you can get any kind of three-way you want in Mexico.

So the incandescent light bulb goes the way of the VCR, film cameras and Democrats in Texas.

How do you say “Turn the light on,” in Chinese?

Random Writings – Monday

Will the grief counselors for the Aggie fans from last Thursday please report to Austin? The University of Texas football team dropped out of the  AP Top 25 football teams for the first time in ten years, has recorded two consecutive losses for the first time in Mack Brown history, and must travel to Lincoln to meet the Nebraska Cornhuskers in two weeks.

Counselors, plan to stay the remainder of the football season.

What Do You Mean The Days are Unexcused?

What Do You Mean The Days are Unexcused?

Dear Parent,

Please note your child has been absent for four days from the As Yet Unnamed Home School of One. Without a note, four of these days will be marked as Unexcused. Monday was an In-service Day while the many-hatted individual person of principal, curriculum director and communications officer tried to learn how to use the new smart phone. The phone is smarter than the operator.

If your child continues to miss days with unexcused absences you will be required to come to school with your child and/or be subject to Texas truancy laws. Please submit a note regarding your child’s lack of attendance. Parental support is critical to the operations of the school.


The Principal



Dear principal at the ASUHSOO,

Here is my note.

Monday.  No school due to teacher training.

Tuesday – the golf team played so that counts as an excused absence.  Please talk to the golf coach.

Wednesday – the student was sick and has proof of going to the dentist.

Thursday – the student was sick as the ragweed count was the highest on record since record keeping and her brain felt like Jell-O wrapped in a wet towel.

Friday – the student was sick and grief stricken following the Texas Aggies’ last two second lost to Oklahoma State University. She was taken to her bed with gloom, despair and agony to boot.

If you count my child absent, I will sue you and the school. Thank you.



Dear Parent,

Thank you for your note. I am pleased to report all days are now marked as EXCUSED. As I too am a Former Student, I am making last Friday excused also.

However to make up the work, the student will be required to post something everyday this week. So get busy and ensure the thoughts are written. These will be called Practice Random Acts of Unrelated Writings.

Thank you for your support.