Category Archives: Native Texan

Wednesday, August 14, 2019 – When Histamines Attack! Or Vicks to the Rescue and More!

Wednesday, August 14, 2019 – When Histamines Attack! Or Vicks to the Rescue and More!

Good Day! I am here today with my colleague Dr. Pepper, and we are presenting a public service announcement with information learned recently when the histamines attacked.

Recently, the Histamines, from the Isthmus of Histamonia, attacked my nasal passages, my throat, my lungs, my eyes, and probably other body parts I was not aware of. In a frantic search I immediately ingested all types of ANTI histamines including the jar of Vicks Vapor Rub to rid myself of my inner mucus.

In so doing and being bored, but between nose blowing and coughing, I found the following website that should be essential knowledge to all regarding Histamines and other forms microbes that attack the human body.

There are 40 uses listed, but I only list My Twelve Favorites.

http://www.shareably.net/vicks-vaporub-problems-solve/

Today, you will be able to list at least twelve major uses of Vicks as defined below. Then for your assessment of understanding, we will draw a random number and you must demonstrate the corresponding use of Vicks. To receive credit for this online class, you must send a pic of you demonstrating the number of use drawn. Ready? My comments are in italics.

  1. Chest Rub – Rub Vicks on your chest when congested. We all know this works. The research of The Big Bang Theory’s Dr. Sheldon Cooper and Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler support the hypothesis that use of Vicks on the chest and the singing of Soft Kitty hastens wellness and decreases mucus.
  2. Night coughs – Rub Vicks on the bottom of your feet and then put on socks to prevent night coughing. Research indicates this works, but so does a shot of Nyquil and why does it not work in the daytime to stop coughing?
  3. Neosporin replacement – If you run out of Neosporin, use VapoRub as a replacement. Spread a thin layer around the wounded area (splinters, cuts, etc.) to help accelerate the healing process. It also helps protect against germs and bacteria. Number one – why are you out of Neosporin?
  4. Treat acne – You can put some VapoRub on your pimples, acne, or other blemishes and leave it on overnight. When you wash it off in the morning your blemish should be gone. Try this remedy of other skin treatments aren’t working for you. If you have to use Vicks for acne treatment, call 1-555-Dermatolgist.
  5. Fight toenail fungus Thymol is one of the main ingredients in Vicks VapoRub and is great for blocking the growth of fungus because of its antiseptic, antimicrobial and antibacterial properties. All you have to do is rub some of it on the bed of your nail and toenail to get rid of the fungus. It does not say how long this routine is carried out. Wear socks until it goes away.
  6. As bug repellent – Apply a thin layer of VapoRub to exposed skin, and it will repel annoying insects like mosquitoes. This is perfect for camping or when traveling through humid areas. The strong scent will deter bugs from coming your way. It will also keep others from coming your way. Just stay indoors.
  7. Want to get rid of fat and cellulite? – Apply some VapoRub mixed with camphor, baking soda, and a little bit of alcohol. Rub this mixture on the area you want to slim down and cover it with plastic wrap. Do you drink the alcohol or mix it with the Vicks?
  8. Relieve sore muscles – The menthol in Vicks can help to not only offer a refreshing cool to your skin, but it can also help to improve your blood circulation. After physical activity, just grab some Vicks and rub it onto any areas that are experiencing soreness. This should provide relief and comfort to any painful areas. If you don’t want to smell like Ben Gay or Walter, this could be an alternate smell.
  9. Keep your horse focused – If you ride horses, listen up. You can keep a horse from getting distracted by the scent of female horses by applying some VapoRub under his nose. No need to let mating season stop you from going on a ride. No one likes a distracted horse. I wonder if it works on men?
  10. Get rid of warts – Have a nasty wart that suddenly appeared? No problem. Apply VapoRub to your warts twice a day for two weeks. Cover the area with gauze in between until the wart disappears. It also helps if you go outside, face the East, bury an unwashed potato at midnight and turn around three times.
  11. Hide bad smells – Everyday life can build up into some bad smells. Whether it’s from a baby’s diaper or taking out the trash, relieve the bad smell by making your own Vick’s air freshener or applying some under your nose. Your sinuses will thank you. Remember? Clarisse did this in Silence of the Lambs?
  12. Treat hemorrhoids – Hopefully you won’t have to use Vick’s VapoRub for this reason. But fun fact, for small, itchy hemorrhoids, apply Vick’s on there and let the menthol drown out the itch. But make sure to know if you can tolerate the burn first by testing Vick’s on another part of your body. WTH!

Now for your assessment. The number drawn is …

Sorry. The number drawn is Number 12. Please make a video of your face upon application! PLEASE!!!

Tuesday, August 6, 2019 – Worst Ever!

Tuesday, August 06, 2019 – Worst Ever!

From the Helen Keller-Stevie Wonder School of Football Uniform Design we have the alternate uniform for Michigan State University – The Spartans. Note: Caution is urged if you look or read further.

In a failed attempt to simulate the success of the University of Oregon’s football uniforms of highlighter yellow and shades of green not on the colorwheel, Michigan State chose this to wear on Saturdays. It is call their alternate uniform.

Really? What team wears a uniform the color of Granny Smith apples? It looks as though the player stepped in a giant Sara Lee key lime pie.

From the website – just Google Michigan State Uniforms

“The numbers and STATE emblazoned across the chest look like the text size on your grandpa’s iPhone. The splash of sea-sick granny apple is bad enough on the torso, but when paired with the toxic chemical spill that are the pants, induces something akin to a pre-frontal lobotomy on unlucky onlookers.”

Here’s what I’m thinking. I think Nike used left over paint remains from making Oregon uniforms and made these for you, Michigan State. Now you see why their bid was the lowest. Either that you bought them at Wal-Mart.

I do not need nor want to see this in high definition against any team, but I especially do not want to see it against Ohio State or Michigan. Too much color. To Michigan State: If you play on one of those weird blue or red football fields I will puke before I can change the channel.

Now I must go wash my eyeballs.

Wednesday, July 31, 2019 – “At the End of Regulation…”

Wednesday, July 31, 2019 – “At the End of Regulation…”

I just love a barbershop quartet – especially a smack talking foursome. I think I will hire these guys for Snarky Football Fridays. Consider today official Snarky Football Fridays practice.

This is a video you will want to watch several times to catch it all.  Be sure to watch the quartet’s lapel buttons.

Let’s sing along – four part harmony only!

“…Alabama! Alabama! Since Saban came…”

GIG ‘EM AGGIES! “At the end of regulation …”

https://youtu.be/AG3aeeBUp9c

 

Friday, July 19, 2019 – Unofficial Snarky Friday

Friday, July 19, 2019 – Unofficial Snarky Friday

Sometime over this weekend someone will post the number of Saturdays, the actual number of days, and the hours and minutes until college football kickoff. It might be me, but it could any one of you anxiously waiting for our favorite teams to fill the weekend TV screens.

Media Days began on Monday, July 15, and marked the unofficial start of college football season. Therefore, we have the start of Unofficial Snarky Friday. Snarky Friday is where I post my snarky comments regarding college football.

Media Days is the week when representatives from the NCAA Division I football conferences congregated in front of the media. Coaches and young men appear all dressed up, speak and answer questions from various sports media outlets.

This is the time where you hear words and phrases such as:

  • One game at a time
  • Big shoes to fill at that position
  • Big number of starters returning
  • Outstanding freshman
  • Seasoned quarterback
  • Alabama keeps whining (hey I am just paraphrasing ESPN)
  • New head coach and
  • A most difficult schedule.

As you know this blog is about teams I like and teams that play teams I like. Let’s first take a look at the Big 12 – Really Only 10 – Conference. It consists of THE University of Texas and Oklahoma University, seven other schools and Kansas that prays for basketball season to arrive. The Red River Rivalry is going to be fun, fun, fun. Wouldn’t it be ironic if Jalen Hurts won the Heisman?

Now to the – It Just Means More Conference – the SEC. I conducted a comparative analysis of the Texas Aggie Football Schedule and the SEC media days. Here’s what I’m thinking:

Media Day Schools – July 15

Florida – Do Not Care

Missouri – Really Do Not Care

LSU – Happy Thanksgiving! November 30. I shall wear my 7 OT Shirt from last year’s victory.

Media Day Schools – July 16

Mississippi – October 19 – Off to Oxford.

Tennessee – Nope!

Texas A&M – Significantly biased

Georgia – Oh crap! November 23 in Athens and seven days before LSU!

Media Day Schools – Wednesday, July 17

Arkansas – OMG! Winter is coming! September 28 in Arlington with a possibility of Nick Starkle at QB!

I am not sitting next to the damn pig this year.

Alabama – OMG! Winter is coming! October 10. Twelfth Man in the Stands! And in the streets and the whole Brazos Valley.

Mississippi State – OMG! Winter is coming! And so are the cowbells. October 26.

South Carolina – OMG! Winter is coming! But the only chicken we like is the Dixie Chicken.

Media Day Schools – Thursday, July 18

Auburn – September 21 – September 21 – the first of the three A’s. (Auburn, Arkansas and Alabama)

Kentucky – Do Not Care

Vanderbilt – Do Not Care

I am not aware if football schedules are given names that parallel similar physical events. But if so, I would like to name the Texas Aggie football schedule the following:

The 2019 Texas Aggie Football Root Canal, Gynecological/Prostate Exam and Hot Water Enema Schedule

Did I mention the Aggies play Clemson on September 7?

 

Tuesday, July 16, 2019 – Tuesday Profundity

Tuesday, July 16, 2019 – Tuesday Profundity

Whoever said “April is the cruelest month,” never lived in Texas in the summer. Dang it is hot. Feels like being in Hell wearing gasoline underwear.

Speaking of underwear… I know; the transition is a stretch, but so is the underwear.

I was actually planning to write something profound and highly intelligent sounding today. While the day began quite well, it was shortly after I got to the gym that everything did a complete 180.

I was doing a five minute warm-up on the elliptical. Into about minute one of the exercise, I realized something was amiss among the nether region. Nevertheless, I finished exercise, stepped down and calmly walked to the Women’s Room.

I not only had my spandex undershorts on backwards, they were wrong side out. In my attempt to correct, I almost dropped my outer, regular shorts in the toilet. Therefore, I am not writing anything profound other than “Check your underwear before you go out.”

Stay cool.

Don’t Mess With Our Blue Bell!

“April is the cruelest month,” by T. S. Eliot, is the opening like of The Waste Land.

Wednesday, July 3, 2019

Wednesday, July 3, 2019

Attention Texas Aggies, English teachers, Texas Aggie English teachers and readers of all sorts of books!

I am waiting for my vacation pictures to be developed. What that means is I have been too lazy to get my pictures from last weekend’s trip to Fredericksburg loaded on the computer, organized, sorted, and resized. I only had three cameras. I know I made Honeyboy proud by taking so many photographs.

Meanwhile, these two books are a must read. They are total opposite in nature.

Melanie Shankle – Everyday Holy – Finding a Big God in the Little Moments of Life.

Melanie Shankle is a Former Student of Texas A&M University (WHOOP!) who lives in Texas. Her book was given to me as a gift because the giver said “She writes like you do.” That is a great compliment because like Ms. Shankle, I try to be humorous, clever, spiritual and religious, and often irreverent. I would like ask her though – “What’s with the glossy pages?” I have to keep tilting the book to adjust the glare.

Casey Cep – Furious Hours

If you are from Alabama, know someone from Alabama, went to the University of Alabama, root for Alabama, ever visited or driven through Alabama, and/or like Alabama history and politics this is a must read.

If you ever read In Cold Blood and To Kill a Mockingbird, this is a must read.

If you ever heard of Truman Capote and Harper Lee, this is a must read.

Now I must go and check on my vacation pictures.

Tuesday, June 18, 2019 – The Word of the Day

Tuesday, June 18, 2019 – The Word of the Day

Good Morning, Boys and Girls.

Good morning, Dr. Dimwiddie.

Our vocabulary word for the day is “epiphonema.”

It means a sentence that is an exclamation, a general striking comment, or a succinct summary of what has previously been said.

Let us use it in a sentence. “What a great song!”

This, of course refers to the lovely lyrics …

“Tall and tan, and young and lovely, the girl from epiphonema goes walking

And when she passes, each one she passes goes – ah…”

Face plant cat!

Monday, June 17, – Here’s What I’m Thinking – DrDrD85.me

Monday, June 17, 2019 – Here’s What I’m Thinking – DrDrD85.me

Recently I have acquired several new followers on Facebook. My blog, Here’s What I’m Thinking is linked to FB and other social media. But you can also access at DrDrD85.me

Therefore, it is time as Saint Madelyn Hunter, Patron Saint of Education, says “it is time to review.”

It is called HWIT because in long, boring and often unproductive meetings I would sit in silence until asked my thoughts. I always began with “here’s what I’m thinking.”

The purpose is made make at least one person smile or laugh. If I know you or have known you, I WILL write about you at some point. Therefore, it is imperative that you follow and read in the event it is YOU I am writing about. And you better hope I like you or else the results might not favor you.

During the fall I write about college football. I write about the Texas Aggies and all of the other teams of the SEC. It just means more! On Friday’s there is Snarky Friday where the Football Snark reveals her comments on upcoming teams and their games.

Snarky Friday is followed by My Monday After Saturday College Football Awards. Categories include, but are limited to:

  • Poopy Undies for the teams that scare their fans with close games, (Most of us are still recovering from Texas A&M and LSU from last year.)
  • Worse Uniforms as we often see what, hideous shades of yellow and green Nike premiers in Oregon,
  • Helmets receive their own category which includes subcategories of “best shine, “best possible glow in the dark” and “what is that crappy design on the side?”
  • The Brent Mushmouth Award is given to the Booth Mouths who talk during the game, over the calls, tell what they did in college, second guess the coach, the referees and the fans, seldom actually call what is happening on the field and other mindless mouth dribble,
  • The Zebra Awards, sponsored by the Helen Keller School for Referees, are given to the officials for just about anything,
  • The Big 12 Conference is really only ten schools but only a few count anyway. This is includes THE University of Texas, Baylor, Oklahoma State and Tortilla Tech. I seldom write about the other Big 12 schools until basketball season,
  • And last and never least, The Exploding Head Coach Award is awarded to the head coach who loses it, run on to the field, turns red in the face, and throws down and breaks his head phones. It is always a close race between Uncle Will Muschamp and Nick Saban.

So whether your favorite school Gigs Em, Sics Em, Hooks Em, Rolls the Tide, Geauxs Tigers, Goes Cowboys, Boomers Sooners them, Goes State, or even Tortilla Flings, I got your school. Sometimes I even throw in an Ohio State and Penn State for those friends not fortunate to be from Texas.

While, I, like many others, anxiously wait until kickoff, we do have the College World Series – aka The Post Season SEC Baseball Tournament. Therefore, I proudly award the Poopy Undies to the Bulldogs of Mississippi State for their comeback to win rally over Auburn in the ninth inning. Who names a school after a hair color? Go State! and Roll Tide!

Happy Father’s Day, Honeyboy

The summer before my sophomore year at SFA, my parents and I, and my Mother’s sister and brother-in-law, Claudia and Ralph Daye drove from Texas to Denver to see Claudia and Ralph’s son, Joe. I believe we went in our 1962 blue and white Chevrolet Impala. The 1969 beige Chevrolet Impala is subject of another story for another time.

We had a marvelous 10 days in the cool air of the Rocky Mountains and experienced the unbelievable beautiful scenery of the state. Everything had been perfect until we reached some place in New Mexico on the return trip. We stopped someplace for lunch. Upon finishing and leaving the restaurant, Honeyboy (if you do not know why he was called Honeyboy, let me know) asked if I would drive to Lubbock where we planned to spend the night before driving home to Conroe the next day.

Of course I wanted to drive. This relegated Uncle Ralph to sit in the back seat with Mother and Aunt Claudie. We piled into the car. I turned the ignition key to get the air conditioning started, adjusted the review mirror, adjusted the outside mirror and adjusted the seat, just like the Drivers’ Ed manual said to do.

Honeyboy was riding shotgun as he always did. Just before we were to pull out of the parking space, I said, “Let me put this medicine on my lip for my fever blister.” I did not take into consideration the heat of New Mexico; nor did I realize the heat inside of a car in New Mexico heat. I twisted the top off the green jar of Metholatum, only to find the entire contents in liquid form. The entire liquid contents of the jar split into my lap – aka crotch.

While I was screaming, Mother and Claudia were howling with laughter, and my father said “Drive. We have to get there before dark.”

He refused to stop, unpack the already stuffed car to let me change clothes. I received no help from Mother or Aunt Claudia who continued to laugh until we crossed into Texas and even then. Uncle Ralph kept asking what’s that smell?

It was almost three hours to Lubbock. The one thing I remember about the car was an air conditioning vent sat just below the steering wheel right at the level it needed to be to drive three hours with a body part on fire smelling like menthol.

Years later as his health declined and he would be sad, I could always get him to laugh when I would ask “Remember when I spilled the Metholatum fell in my crotch?” He would laugh and say “Yep, soon as we got to a hotel in Lubbock, you jumped in the swimming pool, clothes and all before the rest of us got out of the car.”

Honeyboy, I hope you, Mama, Dale and Aunt Claudie and Uncle Ralph are laughing about it today. I also hope Heaven doesn’t smell like Metholatum.

Friday, June 7, 2019 – Do You Ever Wonder?

Friday, June 7, 2019 – Do You Ever Wonder?

Do you ever wonder what the crime lab team would say if they had to come into your house if you had an accident while you were away?

Here’s what I’m thinking they might say upon entering my house.

  • Ooh, PHEW! She has a cat!
  • Not much of a house keeper, was she?
  • Did she have a date or is she just lazy and doesn’t pick her clothes up off of the floor? (I think we all know the answer to this one.)
  • Help, me! I’m stuck in the kitchen. To the floor!
  • Well, she did make her bed!

Stay cool this weekend. In Texas the weekend weather forecasts just post pictures of the hinges of Hell. Then again, God gave the Devil the choice of where to live – Hell or Texas in the summer. Heat index could be 107 degrees.