Category Archives: Native Texan

Monday, October 21, 2019 – My Friday After Saturday College Football Awards

Monday, October 21, 2019 – My Friday After Saturday College Football Awards

We can beat around the bushes; we can get down to the bone
We can leave it in the parkin’ lot, but either way
There’s gonna be a heartache tonight, a heartache tonight I know

And was there ever a heartache for many teams this weekend.

Please form a line to the left because all teams are receiving a Poopy Undies Awards. Ugly games; Ugly wins; Ugly losses; ugly plays; ugly uniforms and ugly weather.

But the Grand Poopy Awards go to The University of Wisconsin for the last minute loss to Illinois. I would like to present the Fighting Illini, whatever an Illini is, The Colonel Henry Blake Award. It just proves that a team wearing ugly uniforms can win. Who caught the Henry Blake Award? Wisconsin 23 Illinois 24

The riders of the Sooner Schooner receive a Glad You Are OK Award. Watch out for those sharp turns. According to my sources, the last Schooner flip was in 1993 and something about the girl wearing no underwear. I was unaware that people from Oklahoma wore underwear at all. Meanwhile Jalen & Company’s OU wagons continue to roll merrily along. OU 52 – West Virginia 14

Receiving the Blowout in Your Drawers Awards are Missouri and THE University of Texas. Mr. Commodore upset Mr. Tiger if someone cares Vandy 20 – Missouri 14.

And Big Jay of the Kansas Jayhawks scared the cow poop out of Bevo. Kansas! Kansas scored 48 points. Kansas didn’t score 48 points in all of their last five games combined last year. I give the Ghosts of Football Past to the Texas defensive unit. Kansas 48 Texas 50.

If the Horns did not have Elinger, they would be number three in the Big 12. Oh wait, they are number three. And any team left can beat you, including the Bears of Baylor and you have to travel to Ames too. When was the last time Baylor was ranked ahead of the Horns in both the conference and the AP Polls? And the Bears put Holy Water in the Brazos on home game days, I am told.

The Bears of Baylor receive the John Deere Green Helmets Award for cool headwear. The Bears did spoil Oklahoma State’s Homecoming 47 to 27.

The Ain’t No Jalen or Sunshine When He’s Gone Award goes to Alabama for the loss of Tua. But the Tide still rolls 35 to 13 over Tennessee. Get well, Tua.

The Texas Aggies receive the Butt Ugly Award for a very ugly win in Oxford against Ole Miss. Where does fog originate in Oxford, Mississippi? TAMU 24 – Ole Miss 17

Speaking of butts, the best play of any football game this weekend goes to QB Joe Burrows of LSU and Mississippi State. Let’s all sing in Heisman award-winning harmony:

We saw your hiney; it was bright and shiney

It made us giggle when you wiggled.

Therefore, Joe and the LSU Tigers receive the Moon Over Mississippi State Award! Did you notice that Mr. Burrows showed his true, Southern gentlemanly character? He first took care of the football and then tried to pull up his pants. One must like a man that has his football priorities in order.

https://www.theadvocate.com/baton_rouge/sports/lsu/article_02829f9c-f2d9-11e9-b093-eb0c8798d2cc.html

LSU 36 Mississippi State 13

The worse, as in You Suck and SHAME ON YOU Award, goes to CBS for the broadcasting the incident in slow motion! Did Nessler and Danielson call this game? I am with the Baton Rouge Advocate – apologize to LSU and the rest of us for your lack of taste and poor announcing.

Of course the best play of the weekend was:

“Hello, I am Jose Altuve.” BOOM!

ASTROS ARE GOING TO THE WORLD SERIES!!!

Good bye, Hut’s. So sad to see you go.

Friday, October 17, 2019 – A Snarky Friday Drinking Game

Friday, October 17, 2019 – A Snarky Friday Drinking Game

Are you ready?

Hell Yeah. Damn right!

Hotty Toddy, Gosh Almighty

Who the Hell are we?

Bim Bam Flim Flam

Ole Miss by damn.

Since Texas A&M is travelling to Oxford to play the Ole Miss, today we snark with a toddy drinking game. Grab your favorite beverage and play along. For each incorrect answer, you must take a shot.

What is the name of the mascot for each college football team listed below?

Let us begin with a few easy ones. For example:

          Texas A&M – Reveille

          THE University of Texas – Bevo

Remember. Name the mascot; not the team.

  • Alabama – Big Al. It is the name of the anthropomorphic (dressed up college student) elephant. The homecoming queen used to ride in on an elephant. Some traditions need to be brought back. Drink up.
  • Georgia – UGA the bulldog. A very cool, live mascot, but drools.
  • LSU – Mike, the Tiger. How could you not know this? One of the most beautiful live mascots in football.
  • Mississippi State – Bully the bulldog. Very cool live mascot. Does he wear a cowbell around his neck?

LSU at Mississippi State at 2:30 on CBS.

  • Arkansas – Tusk. Big ugly, black hog.
  • Auburn – Aubie the Tiger. Anthropomorphic, fake Tiger. Aubie? What is the war eagle’s name? AubieBird? You didn’t know either one of those. Drink!

Auburn at Arkansas 11:00 SEC

  • Florida – Albert and Alberta Gator. Drink up. I know you did not know this one. I think they should be Mr. and Mrs. Choppers. Albert and Alberta are kinda cute anthropomorphic critters if you are into mascots that can kill you.

Florida at South Carolina at 11:00 on ESPN

Think you are doing well? Let’s move on. Hic!

  • Ole Miss – Tony the Land Shark. Drink up. You know you said Rebels. Tony the Land Shark became the Ole Miss mascot in August of 2018. It has to do with a former Ole Miss player who was an Iraqi veteran. I have no idea why it is a shark, especially since Oxford is almost in Tennessee.

Texas A&M at Ole Miss at 6:30 on SEC.

  • Tennessee – Smokey. A coon hound, but I’m sure he Volunteers for the honor.

Tennessee at Alabama 8:00 ESPN.

  •  Vanderbilt – Mr. Commodore. Really? Just Mr. Commodore? Not even Cornelius or Gloria? Maybe Stingy Railroad Tycoon was already taken.

 

  • Baylor – Judge Joy and Judge Lady. Did you know that in 1914 the choice of mascots was between “Bears” and “Bookworms? “In 1974, the student body voted to name all the bears “Judge” followed by a surname in honor of the university’s namesake, Judge R.E.B. Baylor. Baylor’s current mascots are “Joy,” named in honor of the wife of President Emeritus (and former Chancellor) Herbert H. Reynolds, and the newest mascot, “Lady” named after Sue Sloan, wife of then-President Dr. Robert B. Sloan Jr.
  • Oklahoma State –Pistol Pete. But did you know that Bullet is the name of the black quarter horse ridden prior to OSU home games?

Oklahoma State and Baylor 3:00 on Fox

  • Kansas – Big Jay. Sounds like a rapper.

Kansas at THE University of Texas at 6:00 on LHN.

  • OU – Boomer and Sooner. I think they are anthropomorphic horses.

OU and WVa at 11:00 on Fox

  • SMU – Peruna. Not a fake horse. The horse was named after a popular patent medicine made up of 18 % alcohol.
  • Texas Tech – The Masked Rider. I really think Tech should rethink the mascot thing. Red Raider, Masked Rider with Guns Up is a no. The Texas Tech Flying Tortillas has potential.
  • Ohio State – Brutus Buckey. But if you said Pot Leaves Helmet, at this point in the game, we’ll take it. Drink.
  • And last and least – Notre Dame – Leprechaun. Leprechaun? Saints preserve us. No name. Not even a Mr. Leprechaun? Not even a Saint Patrick? Or a Muffet? Just Leprechaun? If ND is the Fighting Irish, I think the mascot should be named the IRA or Sinn Fein. Just saying.

RL? Did you know those gold, faux halo helmets of ND are really painted with gold? 23/9 karat gold flake in the paint of every helmet. Sounds flakey to me.

How many drinks did you take? Can you say anthropomorphic?

BTHO OLE MISS

GO ASTROS! BRING IT!

 

Thursday, October 17, 2019 – Howdy! It Is Take Your Bird to Work Day

Thursday, October 17, 2019 – Howdy! It is Take Your Bird to Work Day.

Or it was.

Last fall, employees in a Texas A&M University System office space were alerted that three parakeets had been placed in the building’s light-filled atrium, and that more were on the way.

They were to be greeted warmly: “The first word we would like to teach them is ‘HOWDY!'” an employee for Chancellor John Sharp wrote in an October 2018 email. “Please help them learn by addressing them this way when you see them.”

The birds were the brainchild of Sharp, who thought they might provide a relaxing distraction for employees, similar to how some companies host bring-your-dog-to-work days. He returned from lunch one day with several parakeets he’d picked up at a pet store, according to Copelin, and let them loose.

It did not go well. Click on the link and read the emails from the employees. Let me know when you stop laughing.

https://www.theeagle.com/news/texas/texas-a-m-system-employees-were-asked-to-teach-office/article_9c4cce0e-04b0-5362-86e6-112483d25a1e.html

Mooving on, we learn that according to Chancellor Sharp, the cows at Tarleton State University, a great school in the Texas A&M System, will be wearing Fitbits. Click below to see the cows in their fashionable fitbits.

Fitbits for cows: A&M researcher milks new technology for higher yields, happier cows

Here’s what I’m thinking. I bet Chancellor Sharp was thinking aviary, a bird sanctuary, rather than atrium, which a large open area with a skylight. I wonder if Chancellor Sharp has thought of putting cows in the atrium.

Hawk in the backyard. Photo by me.

Monday, October 14, 2019 – My Monday After Saturday College Football Awards

Monday, October 14, 2019 – My Monday After Saturday College Football Awards

May I have the trophies, please?

Our first awards are Bad Sportsmanship Awards. This is given to THE University of Texas and Oklahoma. Both teams received an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty BEFORE the game even started.

The Queen QB Under Pressure Award goes to THE University of Texas QB Sam Elinger. Poor Sam also receives The Blue Skies of Texas of Award because he saw so many blue skies looking up from the ground.

Moving to the Alabama Texas A&M game. The Memorial Brent Mushberger Mouth Award goes to Brad Nessler. This award was handed out with Nessler’s opening words when he said “Reveille’s barking and HE’S ready to make HIS way into the stadium.”  Next time you refer to Miss Reveille as a HE, I guarantee the Aggies will take you from a rooster to a hen with one swift, well-placed saber swing. And what was wrong with Gary Danielson? He actually said complimentary things about the Aggies. But alas, time ran out on the Aggies. Time may run out several times more before next season.

To the Crimson Tide who rolled over the Aggies. You received The Hard Work Award because you had to work hard to roll over the Ags. I am awarding the Alabama Head Coach, Nick Saban, The Worried Man Award. It takes a worried man to sing a worried song. Mr. Nick, you looked worried during the entire game!

Best part of the game was the helicopter flyover from the 36 Combat Aviation Brigade of the Texas Army National Guard. I caught a glimpse as they flew over the house.

I was amiss with Snarky Friday’s comments by not mentioning Mississippi State and Tennessee. It was due to the fact that I left out a category – Coach’s Hot Seat. Therefore, I give both the Bulldogs of State and the Vols of Tennessee the Coach’s Hot Seat Award.

From Waco we have a beginning shot.

And an ending shot. With Halloween in a few weeks, I am awarding the Baylor Bears The Thriller Award for Double OT and a win against Tortilla Tech. Did you realize when Baylor plays Texas Tech it becomes BU/TT or BUTT. Let’s see what you got next week Bears.

I regret I did not get a pic of Sailor Bear helmets, my all time favorite bear. But trust me when I award Best Uniforms to Baylor. Trust me when I award worst to Iowa and Penn State. Was it The Ugly Uniform Bowl?

The LSU Tigers receive The Gumbo Award made with alligators. Great game Tigers. This could be your year in January!

At a fitting end to the awards are The Poopy Undies Awards given for scaring their fans. There were many. Of course, Baylor and TT each receive a trophy. But I awarded a Poopy Undies to the fans of South Carolina and Georgia at half time. At the end of regulation, I gave Georgia The Full Blown Blowout in Your Drawers.

To the South Carolina Gamecocks I award The William Tecumseh Sherman Award, because you marched like Sherman through Georgia from Atlanta to the Sea. WOW.

To Georgia, as you watched the spheroid miss the uprights in the second overtime that would have tied the game and send to a triple OT, you win The Giant Thriller Award.

You see a sight that almost stops your heart
You try to scream
But terror takes the sound before you make it
You start to freeze
As horror looks you right between your eyes
You’re paralyzed

‘Cause this is thriller
Thriller night

 

WAY TO GO ASTROS! BTHO those Damn Yankees!

Friday, October 11 – A Snarky Friday Musical – College Football – Week Seven

Friday, October 11 – A Snarky Friday Musical – College Football Week Seven

But first, the Football Snark would like to begin with a Big Green and Gold Snark to Baylor and to the idiots who voted Baylor ahead of The Texas Aggies in the top 25. I do not care if you are 5 and 0. Play Clemson, Alabama, Georgia and LSU and then we’ll talk RPI. Oh well, the Aggies don’t have to play Oklahoma or THE University of Texas. Nevertheless, I do hope the Bears open a big can of Brazos River Whoop Ass on Tortilla Tech.

There are only a three games worth watching this Saturday, but each one has critical consequences for conference championships, bowl games and individual honors. Fortunately, the TV Gods and Goddesses of college football programming ensured that we can watch them all one right after another.

First at 11:00 am we have the Red River Rivalry between Oklahoma University and THE University of Texas on Fox. The Horns and the Sooner Fans will be rushing to The Cotton Bowl. Of course, if you know where The Cotton Bowl Stadium is located in Dallas, one knows you do not want to spend a great deal of time without rushing along in the Hood.

So put that Sooner Schooner hat on, get your honey lamb and I and sing along with our first musical number celebrating the game as the winds comes whipping down the plains for…

…We know we belong to the land!
And the land we belong to is grand!
And when we say, yeeow-a-yip-i-o-ee ay!
We’re only sayin’ You’re doin’ fine, Oklahoma! Oklahoma, Heisman!

With an encore of …

Boomer Sooner, Boomer Sooner,
Boomer Sooner, Boomer Sooner,
Boomer Sooner, Boomer Sooner,
Boomer Sooner, O-K-U!

At 2:30 on CBS (oh crap, does that mean Gary Danielson will announce? Oh yucky face emoji.) The Fighting Texas Aggies, Home of The 12th Man, guarded by Reveille, The Wonder Woman Collie and fans with memories of Johnny Manziel,  host The Rolling Crimson Tide from Alabama. If you’re going a play in Texas, you gotta have a fiddle in your band.

So tune up those guitars, banjos and fiddles as the residents of The Brazos Valley welcome the Fans of The Alabama Crimson Tide with this musical number. Hit it, Band!

Oh, I come from Alabama

With a banjo on my knee

I’m going to College Station

The Aggies for to see.

Oh that 12th Man, Oh, don’t you yell on me,

But I will then beat Georgia and win the SEC.

It rained all night the day I left

The weather it was dry,

The sun so hot I frozen myself

But that’s the Texas skies!

Oh that 12th Man, Oh don’t you yell on me

But I’ll take of Auburn, a game we want to see.

I had a dream the other night;

When everything was still,

I dreamed I saw Miss Reveille

She was coming down the hill,

A crimson rose was in her mouth

A tear was in her eye

I said it is the last year, so Rev don’t you cry. 

Wait till next year, when Jimbo takes you down,

But welcome to College Station where Aggies are found.

If those two contests do not have you cussing, singing and screaming at the TV, you still have a chance at 7:00 on ESPN when the Legends of Steve Spurrier and the Florida Gators invade Death Valley in Baton Rouge to try to chomp the LSU Tigers. Advance warning: The Gators will wear orange helmets, blue jerseys and blue pants. Anyone ever see a blue alligator?

But on to our final musical number. Since I was a small child, I was taught by my Louisiana relatives, NEVER PULL FOR A TEAM FROM FLORIDA! I also could sing this song until I drank the maroon kool-aid.

So let’s hear it for the Girls in Gold and Purple sequins with the mysterious black bags. and the LSU Marching Band – The Golden Band from Tiger Land. GEAUX TIGERS! Note: the bags are filled with gator bait from Bayou Teche.

And I want to see everybody up and doing a high kick routine toward the end.

Horns Down!

BTHO ALABAMA!

GEAUX TIGERS!

https://youtu.be/YZ4e35_hdjE

Monday, September 30, 2019 – My Monday after Saturday College Football Awards – Week Five

Monday, September 30, 2019 – My Monday after Saturday College Football Awards – Week Five

May I have the statuettes, please? As usual our first category today is Poopy Undies. This award goes to Texas A&M and Baylor for scaring their fans with close games. TAMU 31 Ark 27 and Iowa State 21 Baylor 23

But to Clemson, we have a new award. I am giving the award for a Full Blown Blowout in Your Drawers to the Clemson fans. Clemson 21 unranked North Carolina 20

Songs for Monday for UNC

It had to be two; it had to be two; you wandered down field; scored the touchdown, but couldn’t score two…

To Clemson – A streaming download of The Eagles’ song – There’s a New Kid in Town.

Speaking of the new Number 1 in the polls, Alabama, I am awarding the Crimson Tide The Feral Cat Award. Why? Because Alabama is like feral cat that tortures its opponent by batting it around and playing with it before finally putting it out of its misery. Ole Miss 31 Alabama 59

Miss State 23 Auburn 56 – The Get Well Award goes to Billy the Bulldog of Mississippi State. The bad news – the Bulldogs lost. The good news – Billy the State mascot is OK after the Auburn player ran into him. One should be glad this did not occur with the Texas Aggies; the handler sacrifices his body for Reveille and remember many of the Corps carry swords.

The Weather Delay Award goes to Oklahoma State.

Kansas State 13 Oklahoma State 26

The Fun to Watch Award goes OU. See Jalen run; See Jalen throw; see Jalen and OU win The Big 12 Conference. Oklahoma 55 Tortilla Tech 16

To Arkansas and Nick Starkel, I give the Heartbreak Hotel Award. I hope your arm injury is not serious, Starkel.

To Starkel and Arkansas, to Mond and Texas A&M and to Virginia and Mississippi State players, I give the Heisman Award. No, not the big trophy, but this quote from John Heisman regarding football in the South:

“Gentlemen? This is a prolate spheroid. It is better to have died a small boy than to fumble this football.” John Heisman.

The Ugly Uniform Award this week goes to Wisconsin. Those Throw Back uniforms need to be thrown away. Where did you find them? An Army surplus store that uncovered a box of WWI uniforms? Northwestern 15 Wisconsin 24

Our Exploding Head Coach Award this week goes to Iowa State. You know we can read your lips when you question the officials’ parental heritage, don’t you?

The Best Referee Quote of a Game goes to Cooper Castleberry who was calling the Baylor Iowa State game. On Baylor “False start on every body but the center.”

I am starting a list of All-American, Best Names. My first entry is from Arkansas, Bumper Pool.

Moving on downfield and into the stands…

I asked and we do not think this is one of our relatives.

I am ordering this outfit for all of the old ladies in Section 106 in Reed Arena for basketball season. Remember, Joni and I are the youngest ones in our section. Visualize that in high definition on the big screen.

I wonder if her Mother saw her on TV.

 

Friday, September 27, 2019 – Snark – Week Five

Friday, September 27, 2019 – Snark – Week Five

It is a Bob Wills’ weekend because There’s big balls in Cowtown; So let’s all go downtown.

Actually, the only game in Cowtown, also known as Fort Worth, is Kansas at TCU, but Arlington is close enough for Shark Work so let’s start there.

Not only is there football with big balls, it is the opening of the State Fair of Texas in Dallas! So let’s begin with the Bloody Mary Morning, 11:00 games and a breakfast menu.

We have the Texas A&M Aggies and The University of Arkansas pigs at 11:00 on ESPN. I shall have a side of fried bacon, fried sausage, fried ham, fried pork chops and some pork rinds – all presented tastefully on a wooden stick. This could be a two Bloody Mary game. Starkle may sparkle as the One Who Got Away!

Texas Tech at Oklahoma at 11:00 on Fox – I shall also have a deep fried tortilla for Tortilla Tech with a side of fried butter on a stick. I doubt many tortillas will fly at Norman because Jalen is going to Hurt you bad.

Kansas at TCU on FS1 – Jayhawks and Horn Frogs kick off at 11:00. Worth an occasional check.

Heading in to the 2:30 time slot we find the following:

Iowa State Baylor at 2:30 on ESPN – Always interesting and always scary for the Bears. There is something about the Weather Pattern mascot (Cyclones) besides their ugly color combination uniforms that keeps you guessing until time runs out. Sic ‘Em, Bears!

Ole Miss and Alabama at 2:30 on CBS – Hotty Toddy, God Almighty, but not this weekend Rebels. The Tide is just beginning to Roll. Did you know that Nick Saban was playing football at Kent State when the shootings took place? He and his friends decided to go get something to eat and then walk back across campus. They had just left the eating establishment and arrived back on campus shortly after the shootings and became part of the resulting chaos. Had they not gone to lunch first, they would have been in the middle of the entire tragic incident. Source: Saturdays in the South –The History of the SEC on SEC network. Check it out.

Virginia at Notre Dame on the Notre Dame Network, NBC at 2:30. Yes, Virginia, there is a RL and he will text his ND comment. Go Cavaliers!

Towson at Florida at 3:00 on SEC Network – Towson? Blah! Tongue out emoji.

And in the dinner hour or in this case supper hour cause it is the South, ya’ll know, we find:

Mississippi State and Auburn at 6:00 on ESPN – The Bulldog cowbells are ringing as they Dream of Jeannie with the Light Brown Hair. You know like in the hair color – Auburn? We gonna need some Big Solid plays with interceptions and run backs. Sideline bar: Elf, I was very disappointed that the SEC presentation of Saturdays in the South did not show Big Solid’s interception and touchdown return against Joe Namath. Guess Broadway Joe edited that piece out of his bio. Go Bulldogs.

Kansas State at Oklahoma State 6:00 – NO TV! Well, that ain’t right. Must rely on pictures from those attending the game. Make it a good homecoming, ya’ll. Have fun and Go Pokes.

BTHO Arkansas!

Monday, September 23, 2019 – My Monday After Saturday College Football Awards – Week Four

Monday, September 23, 2019 – My Monday After Saturday College Football Awards – Week Four

Happy first day of fall. The projected high today in Texas is 93 degrees but feels like 97.

Let’s begin with Poopy Undies for everybody. Why not? Pretend it is one of those participation awards.

My first award today goes to the Ole Miss Rebels. You receive The Dreaded Threaded Incline Plane Award because you got screwed on the goal line against the Hippy Bears of California. Not once, but twice. Ole Miss 20 and Cal 28. Berkley is a long way from Oxford, ain’t it?

The Tide continues to roll even though they have yet to play anybody. So, let’s give Tua and Nick the You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet Award and the Stack the Stats for a Heisman Award.

The Methodist of SMU and the Baptists of Baylor won against their old SWC rivals by winning against the Horn Frogs of TCU and the Owls of Rice? Both the Mustangs and Bears win the For Old Times Sake Award.

LSU stomped the Commodores of Vanderbilt 66-38. The Ugly Uniform Award goes to Vanderbilt. That faded drab gray just made Little Gloria turn over in her grave. Those uniforms looked like they mated with a battleship. They were so ugly, I cannot find any pics on the Internet.

My Wimp Award goes to Auburn.

A tent? Really? It was not hot. It was barely 90 degrees. Did you forget your sunscreen? Did you not remember that the home team – the Aggies’– bench is in shade on the side where the alumni sit and where the money comes from? The visitors always sit on the student side facing the sun with the students standing and yelling behind you.

I award The Texas Aggies the Number Four Award and As Time Goes by Award. For future games, Ags, please try to show up for all FOUR quarters of the game – especially the first one. And do not let time run out. Auburn 28 Aggies 20 I do not want to post this selfie, palm plant face again.

It was great game between THE University of Texas and Oklahoma State. The Horns receive the One State One Win Award. You beat one team of two teams from Louisiana and will beat one of two teams from Oklahoma. Glad you lit the Tower for this one.

Thank you, Carrie Y for taking and thank you, Roomie for sending.

The pic is a bit fuzzy, but then again, so are the Longhorns. Oklahoma State 30 Texas 38

And for The Best Game of the year, so far, the trophy goes to Georgia and Notre Dame!

To the Fighting Irish, let’s sing the Fight Song:

Flop, flop for old Notre Dame

Fall on the ground, pretend you’re in pain;

To try to slow the Bull Dawgs down;

But you couldn’t win the game!!!!

My Confessional Award goes to me and my friend RL.

Bless me Father, for I have sinned,

Hoping that Notre Dame never wins again;

Hail Mary, full of grace

UGA and the Dawgs put you in your place.

RL tends to say, “Coitus ND!” which is much shorter, but I’m not sure that would fly in the confessional booth.

My Exploding Head Coach Award goes to Brian Kelly of Notre Dame.

I am pretty sure, Coach, you need to go to confession for your string of profanities you spewed at the ref.

The Hoover Announcer Award for sucking the most while allegedly calling a football game goes to the Booth Mouths who were in the booth for the Texas A&M and Auburn game. Neuheisel? Was this your first trip east of California in a while? Well, at least he did not sing and play the guitar. Nueheisal? You make me miss Brent Mushburger.

To the officiating crew in Kyle Field on Saturday: You must have missed the day the pass interference was taught. When a 70-year-old woman, who never played a down of football and has nothing to put in a jock strap can call the penalty, then something is wrong. So, to the zebra shirted crew, you win the Helen Keller School of Incompetency Award. Note: same school as refs for Ole Miss and Cal.

And to the end zone.

Kudos again to ESPN for airing another touching tribute to Wendy Anderson, her family and Arkansas State. Ladies! Get those ta-tas squished and checked. You can win this one for Wendy.

Speaking of Arkansas, next week, Aggies have the Bacon Bowl in Arlington.

I AM NOT SITTING BY THE DAMN PIG AGAIN THIS YEAR!

Friday, September 20, 2019 – Snark Day

Friday, September 20, 2019 – Snark Day

The college football Snark is dry and had no effects of Imelda. Actually, I think Bryan received three drops while College State, four miles down Highway 6, received over 2 inches.

With the promise of a nice weekend, it is time to start the conference play. Things are about to get very real. Let us begin to see who is on the gridiron and when.

Tonight, we have the Utah Utes and USC at 8:00 on FS1. Yawn!

Also, at 8:00 we have eye wrenching blue field of Boise State hosting the Air Force. Talk about in the Wild Blue Yonder. It could be a good game, if, your eyes can handle it.

The SEC obviously did something to anger the schedulers and programmers of ESPN. Why? Because here are the 11:00 games. Get the pitchers of Bloody Mary’s and mimosas chilling.

  • Florida and Tennessee on ESPN
  • Cal and Old Miss on ESPNU
  • Alabama and Southern Mississippi on ESPN2
  • LSU and Vanderbilt on SECN
  • Also, Iowa State and UL Monroe play on FS1. Iowa State gunners, please pay attention this week to where the punt receiver is.

None of these games offer great contests of interest, but let’s go Vols, Rebels, Tide and Tigers and I don’t care about the other game.

Meanwhile in the weekend city built on campus I shall be tailgating before the game between Auburn and Texas A&M. These two were formerly known as The Agricultural and Mechanical College of Texas and The Agricultural and Mechanical College of Alabama.

In this clash of land grants on CBS at 2:30 much will be discovered. Auburn? You have not played any team of quality yet. Aggies? Who the Hell knows what you are going to do.

Just BTHO Auburn and show – We Are For Real! 12th Man will make the difference in this one.

Baylor and Rice – Ah shades of the worse from the old Southwest Conference. I think the Bears will feast on Chinese food with lots of rice. Order your Chinese takeout with fried rice by 6:00 to watch on CBSSN.

And now to the evening! Pace yourself and put fresh batteries in the remote. Both of these are worth watching.

The Cowboys and Steers at 6:30 on ABC as THE University of Texas and Oklahoma State University kickoff in DKR Memorial Stadium. Lots of orange in this one. Let’s go Pistol Pete.

On CBS at 7:00 hosting the Gold Crowned Saints of Notre Dame are the Georgia Bulldogs. I am going with Saint Uga. Bring the Mary beads Irish, you will need them. RL, I shall be waiting for your usual text regarding Notre Dame.

BTHO Auburn!

PS – Happy Birthday, Mama! I know ya’ll are having a good time up there looking down on us!

Friday, September 20, 2019 – Snark Day

Friday, September 20, 2019 – Snark Day

The college football Snark is dry and had no effects of Imelda. Actually, I think Bryan received three drops while College State, four miles down Highway 6, received over 2 inches.

With the promise of a nice weekend, it is time to start the conference play. Things are about to get very real. Let us begin to see who is on the gridiron and when.

Tonight, we the Utah Utes and USC at 8:00 on FS1. Yawn!

Also, at 8:00 we have eye wrenching blue field of Boise State hosting the Air Force. Talk about in the Wild Blue Yonder. It could be a good game, if, your eyes can handle it.

The SEC obviously did something to anger the schedulers and programmers of ESPN. Why? Because here are the 11:00 games. Get the pitchers of Bloody Mary’s and mimosas chilling.

  • Florida and Tennessee on ESPN
  • Cal and Old Miss on ESPNU
  • Alabama and Southern Mississippi on ESPN2
  • LSU and Vanderbilt on SECN
  • Also, Iowa State and UL Monroe play on FS1. Iowa State gunners, please pay attention this week to where the punt receiver is.

None of these games offer great contests of interest, but let’s go Vols, Rebels, Tide and Tigers and I don’t care about the other game.

Corps of Cadets Change Tray. I have two of them. WHOOP!

Meanwhile in the weekend city built on campus I shall be tailgating before the game between Auburn and Texas A&M. These two were formerly known as The Agricultural and Mechanical College of Texas and The Agricultural and Mechanical College of Alabama.

In this clash of land grants on CBS at 2:30 much will be discovered. Auburn? You have not played any team of quality yet. Aggies? Who the Hell knows what you are going to do. Just BTHO Auburn and show – We Are For Real! 12th Man will make the difference in this one.

Baylor and Rice – Ah shades of the worse from the old Southwest Conference. I think the Bears will feast on Chinese food with lots of rice. Order your Chinese takeout with fried rice by 6:00 to watch on CBSSN.

And now to the evening! Pace yourself and put fresh batteries in the remote. Both of these are worth watching.

The Steers and Cowboys at 6:30 on ABC as THE University of Texas and Oklahoma State University kickoff in DKR Memorial Stadium. Lots of orange in this one. Let’s go Pistol Pete.

On CBS at 7:00 hosting the Gold Domed Saints of Notre Dame are the Georgia Bulldogs. I am going with Saint Uga. Bring the Mary beads Irish, you will need them. RL, I shall be waiting for your usual text regarding Notre Dame.

Go DAWGS! To the Ags –

BTHO Auburn!

HB took this. And people wonder how the family all got to be so funny!

PS – Happy Birthday, Mama! I know ya’ll are having a good time up there looking down on us!