Saturday, July 22, 2017 – Do I Miss Austin?

Saturday, July, 22, 2017 Do I Miss Austin?

I am often asked if I miss living in Austin, Texas. I must say, at times, most definitely. May “Keep Austin Weird” never die.

Texas Tribune (@TexasTribune) tweeted at 8:44 AM on Fri, Jul 21, 2017:
1/ The #bathroombill is being heard in a committee hearing today. Here’s what you need to know: #txlege

Friday, July 21, 2017 – Snarky Friday and Hotty Toddy Escort my Body Out of Here.

Friday, July 21, 2017 – Snarky Friday and Hotty Toddy Escort my Body Out of Here.

Apparently Texas A&M’s Kevin Sumlin did not have the hottest coach’s seat in the SEC. Wow, coming straight out of a William Faulkner novel the Hugh Freeze, Head Coach of The University of Mississippi (Ole Miss) resigned suddenly after displaying “a pattern of personal misconduct.” I have not consulted the Urban Dictionary, but I think that is code for “bring on the hookers.”

I understand Ken Starr might be available to represent Coach Freeze. Mr. Starr has vast experience with sex scandals. Rick Pitino (Louisville) may be able to recommend legal counsel. Given the lawyer rats jumping ship from The White House, I am sure a football sex scandal would seem like a piece of cake to any one of them. So we shall let the lawyers take over.

As for the coaching situation, I am sure any coach would want to assume the responsibilities of an NCAA program on probation and now saddled with a sex scandal just at the onset of the football season. How do you think Art Briles would look in Rebel blue and red? Charlie Strong? Whaaat?

Onward down the football field. I was reading Olin Buchanan’s excellent article this morning – Same Song: Aggies Deaf to Herman’s Plea to Renew Rivalry.

Here’s what I’m thinking. Coach Herman, I am not in MENSA like you are, but I do know my history. You should probably study some of it too. May I recommend The 100 Year Decision, by R. Bowen Loftin?

Mr. Buchanan in his article so noted, as does Dr. Bowen, it was not the Aggies decision to cancel the series. It was DeLoss Dodds’ decision to punish the Aggies financially.

There are theorists who theorize an alternate version of Justin Tucker’s game winning, time running out, suck the life out of you, field goal victory over the Aggies. The outcome of everything might have been different had the kick not been good.

But alas, Coach Herman. The Aggies left the Big 12 Conference to join the Southeastern Conference. In the SEC, and an 8 and 5 season will out do a 5-7 season any day of the week. The North Carolina women’s basketball team can beat the Kanas football team.

But Coach Herman, you do have that Longhorn Network – the one you do not share with any of the others in the conference? The one that shows old footage of past glory? That one. Not to be confused with the SEC Network (and there is also an alternate network on really good sports’ days). Not only does it share it profits with its member schools, it has much better programming because of the National Championships won by the SEC schools. Check it out, Coach.

But yes, my Class of ’85 ears are deaf to a rivalry between Texas A&M and THE University of Texas. LSU and Alabama and even poor Ole Miss are way more fun than you, Bevo and Boys. But I hear Manhattan, Kansas and Ames Iowa and even Waco, Texas are nice during the winter.

Here’s to Coach Herman: Hullaballoo Keneck Ken NO! Not interested.


Wednesday, July 19, 2017 – Pack Up the Babies and Grab the Old Ladies; That’s Right, You’re Not from Texas

Wednesday, July 19, 2017 – Pack Up the Babies and Grab the Old Ladies; That’s Right, You’re Not from Texas

That’s right, you’re not from Texas, but Texas wants you anyway. Even though Lyle Lovett’s song suggests Texas wants you, we really do not. We have plenty of crazy people that already live here. Like most Southerners, we like crazy people and even enjoy sitting on the front porch and sharing a cocktail with them. In Texas we like crazy people so much we elect them to high level government positions.

This week in our great state capital, Austin, many of the crazy people once again congregate under the Dome of Decisions in a Special Session called by the Governor of Texas. One of the most pressing issues and urgent issues is to help us sort out where to void our bladders in public places associated with educational institutions. This is known as The Bathroom Bill or Senate Bill 6. So, paraphrasing the great Neil Diamond “Pack up the babies and grab the old ladies, cause everyone knows it’s Brother Dan’s Show.”

The entire Texas legislature seems to be obsessed with human body functions, like abortion, sex of any kind (yes, last session they passed a no sex with animals bill), homosexuality, transgendered people and where people poop and pee and shower and change clothes (locker rooms). And for some reason they think they can control these bodily functions legislatively.

The lieutenant Governor of Texas, Dan Patrick, aka Saint Evangelical, seems to be overly obsessed with where individuals go to the bathroom. So much he is apparently ready to fall on the proverbial sword to push this through the Texas Legislature.

Here’s what I’m thinking. What if educational institutions selected a strategically located facility in the building, and put a new sign on the door designating it

The I. P. Freely Bathroom sponsored by Saint Evangelical.

A cost savings suggestion is, just write it on the wall next to the facility. I think that is where the handwriting is. Besides, think how much money public schools could have to focus on teaching and learning rather than peeing and pooping.

“I see a bad moon rising…” Creedence Clearwater Revival. Photo by me. Looking out my backyard – also by CCR.

Keep your voter registration card current and your Texas photo voter ID too.

Tuesday, July 18, 2017 – I Scream; You Scream; We all Scream for Ice Cream

Tuesday, July 18, 2017 – I Scream; You Scream; We all Scream for Ice Cream

ICYMI – Last Sunday was National Ice Cream Day. I am not a huge fan of ice cream. Oreos are usually my go to ultra-indulgence. Health note: Eating an entire line of Oreos in one sitting tends to make you sick. But back to the ice cream.

Of course the ice cream must be Blue Bell. In Texas there is no other ice cream other than Blue Bell. The Presidential Bushes did not and do not export it from Texas and import it to Maine for trade reasons. It is so good the Aggies named their baseball stadium Blue Bell Park. A great flavor and a hefty donation will get most any thing.

Just prior to the national day of celebration, Blue Bell released their newest flavor – Sweet and Salty Crunch.

I give it One Scoop out of five. Maybe Two Scoops, but small scoops. It is a foo foo flavor that would be nice after a special meal. It would probably be better if Grand Mariner or Kalua was poured over it. Then why bother with the ice cream?

If you are looking for a good late-night, do not bother with a bowl, eat out of the tub, somebody hurt your feelings kinda of ice cream, one cannot beat BB vanilla and chocolate and especially when the flavors come together in The Great Divide. Five great big scoops!

At a distant second on my ice cream list is Dairy Queen. For those unfamiliar with dining in rural Texas Dairy Queen is the hot spot. On Sunday I celebrated ice cream day with a dipped cone. Notice cat on shirt and I have on same sunglasses. I love a coordinated outfit.

As for my dipped cone, it was most delicious even when the chocolate fell in my lap. Go have some ice cream today.

Monday, July 17, 2017 – Monday After in 49 More Days SEC and Big 12 Media Days

Monday, July 17, 2017 – Monday After in 49 More Days SEC and Big 12 Media Days

This time in 49 more days will be the first post of My Monday after College Football Awards 2017. These of course are presented by me, based on the performance of teams I like and teams that play teams I like from the weekend games. These awards include, but are not limited to the ugliest uniforms with a separate category just for helmets. Note: Oregon and Baylor are usually standouts in the category, but any team with orange usually has a shot at ugliest.

Until then it is still The Talking Season. What did the teams talk about?

The SEC football Media days concluded last week. There are 14 teams that make up the Southeastern Conference. Thirteen of them were asked how they would prepare to beat Alabama.

Texas Aggie coach, Kevin Sumlin, was asked about pressure to win. He responded with a grammatically incorrect sentence something like “No one puts more pressure on me than me.”

It is going to be a long climb. HWIT – not sure nine victories will be enough. Maybe if one is Alabama or LSU.

SEC guru, Paul Finebaum, predicts the Aggies will finish fifth in the SEC West behind Alabama, Auburn, LSU, and Arkansas. Three of those four are national championship contenders. Arkansas is just pissed because they have not beaten the Aggies.

This leaves the Aggies above number six, Mississippi State and number seven, Ole Miss in the SEC West. And Ole Miss is on probation. Hotty Toddy!

This week we have media days for the misnamed Big 12 Conference. It is misnamed because there are only 10 teams. The big news is a conference playoff game between the top two teams. Unfortunately, this could be Bedlam Part II and no team from the Big 12 in Texas plays.

Most of the Big 12 teams have the same teams as last year. Bad ones. But the influx of new coaches will make it interesting to watch.

There are some hot coaching seats in the Big 12. Apparently TT Red Raiders are no longer enamored by the hot looks of Coach Kliff Kingsbury and would rather have victories. Note: TT refers to Tortilla Throwers, the school formerly known as Texas Tech.

THE University of Texas is picked to finish fourth by the media behind Oklahoma, Oklahoma State and Kansas State. But they are picked to finish first of the Big 12 Schools located in Texas. Does that count? Remember there are only ten schools in the Big 12 Conference so that makes them slightly better than average.

That is enough talk for today. I am taking a timeout. I must go see what the Coaches are wearing for Big 12 Media Day. It is an award category.

Thursday, July 13, 2017 – Charmin Chatty Trump Family

Thursday, July 13, 2017 – Charmin Chatty Trump Family

Who remembers the Chatty Cathy doll manufactured by the Mattel toy company from 1959-1965?

There was also Chatty Baby in 1962 and Tiny Chatty Baby, Tiny Chatty Brother and Charmin’Chatty in 1963. And the last of the Chatty family was Singin’ Chatty in 1965.

The Chatty Cathy mouth did not move. But the doll did speak one of eleven phrases at random when the “chatty ring” on the neck was pulled. The ring was attached to a string connected to a simple phonograph record inside the cavity behind the doll’s abdomen. The record was driven by a metal coil wound by pulling the toy’s string. The doll had 11 phrases when it came on the market in 1960 such as “I love you”, “I hurt myself!” or “Please take me with you.” Seven more phrases such as, “Let’s play school” or “May I have a cookie?” were added to the doll’s repertoire in 1963 for a total of 18 phrases.

Today we have the Charmin Chatty Trump Family, including the Chatty Cathy look alike Chatty Kellyanne and Tinny Chatty Brother, Don T. Jr. and Non-Chatty Jerod. We also have Big Chatty Tweeter.

They all have neck pull rings guaranteed to say the most outrageous phrases. New phrases have been added to the repertoire such as “There is no collusion,” “fake news” and “I did not meet with the Russians.” When the neck ring on Tinny Chatty Brother is pulled he says “I’ve got mail” and “I love it.” Big Chatty Tweeter is programmed to say “Hillary did it” and “Obama did it.” It also constantly repeats “I’ve gone to play golf.”

One needs to order the Charmin Chatty Trump Family dolls now before they are no longer available. These strings cannot be pulled forever and somebody is going to cut their chatty ring strings.

Tick. Tick. Tick.

Wednesday, July 12, 2017 – Infamous Historical Statements and The Great 20th Century Philosopher

Wednesday, July 12, 2017 – Infamous Historical Statements and The Great 20th Century Philosopher

Let me reach into my bag of historical statements to find something for today’s HWIT.

“I am not a crook.” No, that is not the correct one.

“I did not have sex with that woman.” Not that one either.

“I did not collude with the Russians.” Maybe.

“I opened the email, responded ‘I love it,’ because I often meet with people I do not know and invite high ranking campaign people to my Daddy’s offices.” Hmm too long.

How about this one? “I am not a crook and I did not have email sex with the Russians.”

Reminder to Trump Administration – When you are up to your ass in alligators, you forget your initial objective was to drain the swamp.

WH Press Release for today.

“Can’t you feel em circling Honey; can’t you feel them swimming around? You got fins to left; fins to the right and you’re the only bait in town.” (FINS, Buffet, James William. July, 1979.)

Not to mention the “the big white teeth of the sharks that swim on the land!!!”

Tuesday, July 11, 2017 – My Amazon Prime Order

Tuesday, July 11, 2017 – My Amazon Prime Order

Today is the day one can obtain amazing offers and discounts on all types of items from Amazon Prime.

Can We, the People, order a new POTUS and a new First Family?

How is it working out for you so far? Photo by me in Crockett Texas



July 10, 2017 – Only Seven More Mondays. Mea Culpa

July 10, 2017 – Only Seven More Mondays. Mea Culpa.

Only seven more Mondays until we begin ‘My Monday After College Football Awards.” Today is the unofficial start of college football season beginning with Conference Media Days.

My conference tis of thee and that means the SEC for me. I claim rights on that T-shirt slogan.

However, it is all talk and no action at this time. Therefore the only award today goes to me. I am awarding myself the “Is My Face Crimson” Award.

Old School Version: mea culpa, mea culpa, mea máxima culpa. through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault;

Modern Version: Sorry. My bad.

I deeply and sincerely apologize to the four Alabama fans who read HWIT and to everybody else whose traditional greeting is “Roll Tide.”

I will never misspell Coach Nick Saban’s name again; I will never spell it Sabin, like the scientist, and I will write Saban spelled correctly the end zone 100 times. I will remember to spell his name correctly because his name has two A’s in it, like the beginning and the end of Alabama. There are four As in Alabama – the same number of National Championships won by Nick Saban to date.

As I mentioned NCAA Football Media days are taking place this month. The SEC teams are in Hoover, Alabama to speak with the media. It begins today and ends Thurs. The schedule looks pretty much like this:

LSU, Florida, Alabama, Auburn and everybody else. Texas A&M will be sharing Wednesday with Alabama and Saban with two A’s. This is allegedly to reduce the temperature in Coach Sumlin’s seat, which even Paul Finebaum says is “the hottest seat in football.” You cannot let this season get away!

Here’s what I’m thinking. Coach Sumlin must upset at least one of those teams to even turn down the temperature a few degrees. Can we all agree that the team the Aggies should upset should be FLORIDA?

Friday, July 7, 2017 – Snarky Friday – 7.7.17 – Seven More Saturdays Until Kick Off

Seven. Seven. Seventeen. Seven more Saturdays until we scream! WHOOP!

Why is it so hot in Texas in July? It is because it was July when God kicked the Devil out of Heaven. God gave him the choice between Texas in July or Hell. The Devil chose Hell because it is cooler than Texas in July.

But the July temperatures are not the only thing in Texas burning hotter than the hinges on the Gates of Hell. There is an office near Wellborn and George Bush Drive in College Station that also has some very hot hinges. The name on the door – Kevin Sumlin.

Yes, Indeedee do, the hottest coach’s seat in the NCAA D-1 football is right here in College Station. Three years of 5-0 starts squandered. The motivational poster in his office reads WIN NOW! I think it was placed there by the AD and the HR people from Texas A&M. Might have been John Sharp. I believe this is called “The handwriting on the wall.”

It must really be hot because the SEC Media Days paired the Texas A&M with the Alabama to take some of the heat away from Sumlin. Sabin and Sumlin – hot, but for different reasons.

Speaking of hot seats – or at least warm – we have THE University of Texas coach Tom Herman featured on the football bible of Texas – Dave Campbell’s Texas Football.

I cannot say for certain, but here’s what I’m thinking. My friends who attended and support THE University are going to want more than Coach Herman’s picture on the cover of a magazine. All of that football gibberish better transfer to the scoreboard with W’s on it every Saturday.

Don’t forget – UT You Pee! ( I have so been saving to saythat.)

Hook ‘Em Hippies!


Seven more Saturdays until college football kickoff. Counting the days.