Monday, September 20, 2021 – My Monday after Saturday College Football Awards

Monday, September 20, 2021 – My Monday after Saturday College Football Awards

Our first award this week is the Welcome to Aggieland Award. It goes to the numerous newcomers of the Brazos Valley who posted their fears on the Neighborhood Watch app when “Four 4 F 15 fighter jets, armed with missiles, just flew over. What is happening?” And a special award to those who replied, “You must be new. It is the Aggie flyover. It’s Aggie football weekend.” And especially to the Air Force brat who posted, “the jets are not armed with missiles. The bay doors are open.”

Note to the newcomers. That was the flyover for the New Mexico game. On October 9, the entire Texas Air National Guard is flying over Kyle Field, along with a blimp, three helicopters and a flying saucer when the Tide rolls in.

Speaking of The Tide, you need some Tide because you win Poopy Undies. You did avoid Swamp Fever, but it was too close for comfort. Florida Gators receive the Worst Execution of a Two Point Conversion Award. Alabama 31 and Florida 29.

Also receiving a Poopy Undies Award are the Sooners of Oklahoma. Obviously, Nebraska took the celebration of the 50 Year anniversary of the “Game of the Century” from 1971 a bit more seriously that the Sooners. Close, but no Cornhusker Cigar. Bama 26 and Nebraska 16. Note to OU: Your debut games for the SEC are not looking too good.

There were many blowouts. Here are a few.

TAMU 34 and New Mexico 0. Plus scared newcomers 5 and F 15 Fighter Jets 4. Jimbo said, “We are very average.”  Yes, we are.

Baylor 47 Kansas 7

Rice 0 Texas 58

Missouri 59 SE Missouri St 28

LSU 49 Central Michigan 21

I listed the above teams’ blowouts because none of them will have a blowout again. So you all receive both Cupcake Awards and Hair Dryer Awards. THE University of Texas receives a Rice bowl.  Remember this game TU when you play Vanderbilt in the future.

The biggest trophies this week are brought to you by the Optician Magicians and goes to the Officials. Specifically the officials who called the Mississippi State and Memphis game and the Penn State and Auburn Game. First award is the Three Blind Mice Award and goes to the refs for Memphis and Mississippi State. I am 72 years old and have had cataract surgery on both eyes and have never even called a Pee Wee football game, but I know that you cannot have two players with the same number on the field at the same time. FOUR! Granted, your educational systems suck, but one would think you can recognize two players wearing the same number Four!

But the worst was the obvious downing of the football by State but was picked up and run for a touchdown by Memphis.  For Bulldog fans I award the Near Cardiac Arrest Award and a New Cussing Jar.

The officials in Happy Pennsylvania were not making the crowds happy either. From Referee School 101 – KNOW WHAT DOWN IT IS! .

Auburn 20 Penn State 28. Also, a Stadium Fashion Award goes to Penn State. The White Out looked great.

In conclusion I now introduce a new award called The Most Cobs Shoved Up’ Award for Incredible Skill at Ineptitude.  Our first recipients of the award are the crew who called the Memphis and Mississippi State game. Cob Him!

Have a great week.

Friday, September 17, 2021 – Snarky Friday – Week Three

Friday, September 17, 2021 – Snarky Friday – Week Three

Let’s start with a Big Snark.

Notre Dame plays Purdue sans big drum on the Notre Dame Network – aka NBC at 1:30. The 7 foot tall and three feet wide gigantic drum of the Boilermakers will not fit through the visiting team’s tunnel. And Notre Dame will not allow the drum to come through the home tunnel, where it would fit. This is the first time the drum will be absent from a Purdue All-American Marching Band since 1979. Well, that sure ain’t full of grace, Mary!  What Would Touchdown Jesus Do?

It’s another tequila sunrise with the Aggies kicking off against New Mexico Lobos at 11:00 on SEC. This is usually the Bloody Mary Game, but given the way the Aggies played last week, I’m just going to start with tequila.

OU Nebraska Fox 11:00 – This is apparently a historic meeting with lots of memories and flashbacks. But Cornhuskers? This is not your Fathers OU! I understand the entire state of Nebraska will be in Norman.

I will not be watching Oklahoma State at Boise State in a visual display of mind- bending, psychedelic, eye hurting colors in high definition. Just say no to blue football fields. Go Cowboys.

Here are my games of interest for Week Three.

Baylor and Kansas 2:30. A Big 12 match-up on Big12|ESPN+.  Yawn!

 Alabama at Florida on CBS @ 2:30. Never trust a team from Florida. Bama will need “Run, Forrest, Run!” all afternoon.

Mississippi State at Memphis 3:00 ESPN2. This could be a real test of both teams. Give me Liberty Bowl or Give me State. I’m going with State. Maybe a we’ll see a Big Solid linebacker interception for a Bulldog touchdown.

FIU and Texas Tech at 6:00 on Big12|ESPN+. I will be glad when these teams quit playing teams I have to look up. East West South North spin off universities.

Tulane and Ole Miss on ESPN2 at 7:00. Tulane will be wearing their throwback greenie uniforms with a SEC Champions helmet sticker. All of the dates were before my birth, but I did not know Tulane was once in the SEC. Hotty Toddy Gosh Almighty!

The William Marsh Rice Institute for the Advancement of Literature, Science and Art will play THE University of Texas at 7:00 on the Longhorn Network. Actually the name was shortened to Rice in 1960 because that long name would not fit on a T-Shirt. Please show the Rice MOB (Marching Owl Band) at halftime. Somebody please upload to YouTube! Rice may not play football that well, but one never knows what the brainiacs in the MOB will do. Especially with the controversy of The University Eyes Song. And the Rice cheer: Go Owls? That’s it? That is all you have? Go Owls! You’re the Harvard of Texas! Not even a HOOT or a SCREECH?

Just a recent flashback memory for THE University, Arkansas had to come from behind to beat Rice in Week One.

BTHO New Mexico Lobos

GET VACINATED! Wear the mask. Gig ‘Em Aggies!

September 13, 2021 – My Monday After College Football Awards

September 13, 2021 – My Monday After College Football Awards

There were blowouts. There were upsets. There were near upsets. And it is only Week Two.

First, let us discuss field colors. Football fields should be the color of green grass. Not TEAL green. For Coastal Carolina, the uniforms and the field do not need to match. And football fields should never be blue. But you did break the Kansas winning streak of one in a row. Coastal Carolina 49 and Kansas 22.

The first award is The Hair Dryer Award for blowouts. Multiple recipients include the following:

  • Baylor 66 and Texas Southern 7
  • Oklahoma 76 and West Carolina 0 (not to be confused with Teal Green Carolina)
  • Alabama 48 and Mercer 14
  • Georgia 56 and University of Alabama at Birmingham 7.
  • Auburn 62 and Alabama State 0
  • Florida 42 South Florida 20

I have not been able to substantiate the rumors that marching bands, women’s basketball teams, or the men’s and women’s intramural flag football teams played the second half and last quarter of the above listed games.

Duck Duck Buckeye! My Blood, Sweat and Tears Award goes to the Oregon Ducks because You Made Me so Very Happy with your victory over Ohio State. I guess the O in Ohio stands for Overrated! Ducks 35 Ohio State 28.

Each of the following teams receive a Poopy Undies Award for nearly being upset.

A near upset goes to Tortilla Tech for the eked out victory over Stephen F. Austin.  Tech 28 and SFA 22. Are there shirts, this week TT?

Holy Toledo! What were you thinking Notre Dame? You almost allowed Toledo to beat you. But Hail Mary you survived. 32 to 29. I’m sorry. Did you think I was going to give ND an award for winning?

And then of course to Texas A&M. You not only receive Poopy Undies, but your fans also receive the manual for Self-Administered CPR. It comes with an Oxygen tank on the side. It was like Deja view all over again. But these Aggies found a way to win. Zach you were a shining example of The 12th Man. You stood ready to play. While we all hope King’s injury in not severe, I am confident and I back Zack! Let’s not do such things again though. Aggies 10 Colorado 7. The Big THANK YOU Award goes the Texas A&M Defense.

My last award is presented by the SEC Welcome Wagon along with the Cheryl Crow song, If it Makes You Happy. And the trophy goes to:

THE University of Texas. Texas, on behalf of the blowout by Arkansas, we’d like to Welcome you to the SEC. It just means more. More points scored too. Texas 21 Arkansas 40. Arkansas is a very good team. Wait until you meet the rest of us. Did you look at the blowout list?

Tell me again, Texas, why you are coming to the SEC? Oh yes, there is the ESPN money from the Extra Sports Payment Network. What are you bringing to the SEC? We already have a UT with ugly orange colors. But they have Peyton Manning.

I mean OU is bringing seven Heisman winners and seven national football championships TU is bringing two Heisman winners and four national football championships. Alabama alone has 18. Yes, double digits. How’s that for historical context?

If you were in the SEC on this day, you would be tied with Vanderbilt.  Let’s all sing now. “Don’t worry. Be Happy.”

Last question for the Horns. What will you be bringing as the school song? Please let the members of the SEC know ASAP so we can get a parody.

Stay safe. Wear the mask. Watch out for Tropical Storm, Nicholas. Current weather predictions show it moving along the Texas Gulf Coast. Get your four basic storm preparations – Salty, Sweet, Alcohol and Chocolate.

September 10, 2021 – Week Two of Snarky Football Friday

September 10, 2021 – Week Two of Snarky Football Friday

Let’s talk about pants. I noticed last week that players’ pants are getting shorter. Kickers might as well be wearing spandex shorts. Receivers seem to have shorter pants too. More research is needed.

And Notre Dame? Those urine colored pants are bad in the first place. When you sweat the pants become even uglier. Other teams seem to have yellowish pants and do not seem to have an issue.

And THE University of Texas? You are going to need better pants in the SEC. We can see your butt. What is the thread count you are wearing? About a 10? So either get better pants or wear something underneath. While you are at it, you might as well get better uniforms for the SEC.

I see the Big 12 has issued party invitations to Brigham Young University, Cincinnati University, the University of Houston, and the University of Central Florida. Three felines (cougar, bearcat, cougar,) and a knight. The UCF mascot is named Knightro for the “Knight of Pegasus” and resembles a cross between a knight from days of old and a robot. 

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The University of Central Florida was founded in 1963 as the Florida Technological University. The Pegasus became the school’s first athletic mascot in 1970, when UCF students voted and selected the “Knight of Pegasus” as their mascot over “Vincent the Vulture” which had been the university’s unofficial mascot.

And who but Texas Tortilla Tech to issue a welcome to the new schools by showing their sportsmanship, or lack of. The Red Raiders made t-shirts taunting the U of H about Tech’s come from behind win. Wait until you see what they can do with the goal posts.

Moving on to this week…

Great! All of the 11:00 games are teams I am not interested in at this time and can catch up during halftime reports. So to the teams I am interested. Getting my SNARK on, here we go.

UAB and Georgia at 2:30 on ESPN2. Georgia? Just pretend it is the University of Alabama not the University of Alabama @ Birmingham. Will you be bringing the offense this week? The UAB mascot is the Blazers. I’m pretty sure it means a dragon and not a sports coat.

Texas A&M at Colorado at 2:30 on Fox. The last time the Aggies played Colorado on national TV, one of those Detmers was QB. (Koy Detmer – RL? Did you know he is a coach at Somerset under Sonny?) The Aggies played like the women’s field hockey team from Our Lady of Perpetual Turnovers. I got mad and raced out of the driveway in the car and tore the air conditioning wall unit from the house. But now the Aggies are older in Boulder.

Mercer and Alabama on SECN at 3:00. Mercer is in Macon Georgia. On November 19, 2010, Mercer announced the reinstatement of intercollegiate football beginning in the fall of 2013. The university competed as an NCAA Division I, non-scholarship program in the Pioneer Football League in 2013, and is now a scholarship program in the Southern Conference. Reinstatement came after a 70-year hiatus; Mercer suspended football during World War II and did not revive it. The final game was in 1941. The Tide will Roll, and it will be a long afternoon for the Bears.

The Iowa Hawkeyes and the Iowa State Weather Patterns play at 3:30 on ABC in a big game. The Cy-Hawk Battle will be history making. For the first time in the 67-game history of the series, both the Iowa Hawkeyes and Iowa State Cyclones are ranked. They’re both in the top 10. This could be bigger than the Iowa State Fair.

At 6:00 on ESPN2, NC State and Mississippi State kick off. For the Elf and Big Solid and all the State fans, “Please remain seated for the entire performance. Go Dogs!

Oklahoma plays Western Carolina at 6:00.  Sooner Schooner rights itself and Rattlers on.  I find no social media broadcasts. OU probably wants to get act together in private after last week’s performance.

The Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks play Tortilla Tech at 6:00 on ESPN+. Ax ‘Em, Jacks!

LSU and McNeese kick off at 7:00 on SECN. Tigers come home and lick their wounds.

And last and certainly not least at 7:00 on ESPN, THE University of Texas and The University of Arkansas meet in old Southwest Conference and Big 12 rivalries, and a start a new soon to be SEC rivalry.  

Wooooooooo. Pig. Sooie!
Wooooooooo. Pig. Sooie!
Wooooooooo. Pig. Sooie! Razorbacks!

In case you forgot how they call the pigs. Wait until you hear the cowbells in Starkville. Welcome to the SEC, BEVO!

BTHO Colorado!

Remember that night of September 10, twenty years ago? It was our last good night’s sleep. We shall never forget!

September 6, 2021 – Happy Labor Day

September 6, 2021 – Happy Labor Day

It’s My Week 1 Monday after College Football Awards Presentations

Our first award and the first of the season is the Poopy Undies Award.  Poopy Undies Awards go to teams and their fans for being frightened of losing – Especially if the team is supposed to win big. May I have the football, please? The winner is Ooooooklahoma, where the Wave almost all swept across the plains. That was not a great debutant debut for you, OU, for the SEC. OU 45- Tulane 35.

Coming in at Number 2 in the Poopy Undies is Notre Dame.  Obviously, all that glitters is not gold, but it was close.

Notre Dame 41 Florida State 38 in OT.

I will give a Shart Out Award to Texas A&M for trailing Kent State by only touchdown at half-time.   

 The next category is Yowzer WOWzer Contender Award. It goes to the teams that look like January Contenders in Week One.  There is a tie for First Place. First Place Footballs go to Alabama and Georgia. Both teams showed Greatest Flashes.

Alabama 44 – Miami 13

Georgia 10 – Clemson 3

Speaking of Flashes (Get it??) The Third Place Football goes to Texas A&M. There were some Contender Flashes. The King is not yet crowned, but I didn’t see anything that Jimbo can’t fix.  Aggies 41 – Kent State Golden Flashes – 10.

The Great Comeback Award is awarded to teams that come from behind. This award goes to the Bulldogs of Mississippi State to score 35 points in the second half for the biggest comeback in school history.

Also receiving The Great Comeback Award are The Guns Up! Tortilla School. The Red Raiders of Wreck ‘Em Tech came from behind to beat the University of Houston 38-21. It is nice that you continue and get these rivalries started for whatever your new conference is called.

The Faded Rose Bowl Performance Award goes to LSU. LSU 27 UCLA 38. Why are you Tigers even out there? It is the Pacific Ocean, not Bayou Pacific.

THE University of Texas beat Louisiana 38 to 18. You do realize that Louisiana is not LSU?

The Last Award is the Why There Needs to be More Female Architects.

The Uterus of Texas!

Friday, September 3, 2021, The Post Pandemic Reprisal of Here’s What I’m Thinking

Friday, September 3, 2021, The Post Pandemic Reprisal of Here’s What I’m Thinking

Back by popular demand, here is SNARKY FOOTBALL FRIDAY!

Granted NCAA college football began last week. We could have viewed Nebraska and Illinois in a No One Cares Unless You Went There Game. I am quite certain that a Texas 6A powerhouse high school team could have defeated either team.

And there were football games Wednesday and Thursday. And there is football tonight on Friday.  You can watch live. You can record and watch. You can download. You can stream. You can Hula. You can Peacock. However you want to watch your team, there is a technology available.

But to refresh your memory, I only write about football teams I like and teams that play teams I like. And since I have grown older, there are fewer things I like, including football teams.

Nevertheless, let’s see a preview of the chosen few that we will look at this season.

In the bloody Mary morning game at 11:00, we have:

Oklahoma University @ Tulane, except the game is in Norman. Even though your mascot is The Green Wave, Tulane, it is difficult to play when giant waves have just ravaged your city and state.  Please be safe and watch out for snakes – especially Rattlers.

Get the errands done because the afternoon game of the week at 2:30 features:

The Crimson Tide of Alabama and the Miami Hurricanes 2:30 on ABC.  Water, water everywhere and oh the TIDE ROLLS on.

But don’t put down that remote because at 3:30 on FOX we have Louisiana and THE UNIVERSITY of Texas. New coach. New QB. Same old stuff.  

Gather more snacks and drinks and get ready for a dog and cat fight at 6:30 on ABC between the Georgia Bulldogs and the Clemson Tigers. This is a big one right off the kickoff. UGA and DABO. Somebody’s going down.

Check in on FOX to see the score between LSU and UCLA. Talk about a class of cultures. Game is 7:30.

Of course yours truly will be tuned to ESPNU at 7:00 to watch the Fighting Texas Aggies welcome the Golden Flashes of Kent State to Kyle Field. To the Flashes: Be glad you are not playing Rice University. The Marching Owl Band (The MOB) would probably play a Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young song. Ouch!

The Texas Aggies have not played a down this season, but Jimbo got an extension and a raise. With all that science stuff going on at the RELLIS Campus, Jimbo will probably be preserved and continue to coach until he wins as many National Championships as Saint Saban.

Next week I shall discuss The Big 12 Conference, which was really only ten and is now eight. Don’t worry though. I see the Mormons are coming.

BTHO Kent State

Wear the mask. Do not ingest livestock dewormer. You are NOT a cow.

Wednesday, December 30, 2020 – New Year’s Eve Eve

Wednesday, December 30, 2020 – New Year’s Eve Eve

As we begin looking back to 2020 and looking forward 2021…

For Christmas Eve dinner my family and I had chicken and dumplings. They were particularly good. But have you noticed when you mention chicken and dumplings someone always says, “but they were not as good as so and so’s.” In, our family it was Nellie May Buckalew. Many say, “my Grandmother made the best ever or my Mama made the best.” Chicken and dumplings make memories that last.

While Nellie May’s dish was a family favorite, there was another lady from Magnolia who made outstandingly delicious C&D!  Here is the recipe from one of the sweetest women you would have ever meet if you attended the Magnolia Methodist Church – Faye Abney Neely.

From the 1970 Magnolia United Methodist Church Cookbook

Favorite Recipes from

The Magnolia United Methodist Church Women’s Society of Christian Service (WSCS)

President: Nancy Purvis

VP: Judy Levassar (?)

Secretary: Mildred Rickett

Treasurer: Inez Dupree

Faye Abney Neely’s Chicken and Dumplings

One hen or one large fryer

2 cups sifted flour

1 tsp salt

¼ tsp. baking powder

2 tbsp. shortening

2/3 to ¾ cup of milk

Cut up chicken, cover with water; add seasoning and cook until tender.

Sift together dry ingredients; cut in the shortening. Add milk to make a stiff yet rollable dough. Roll out ¼ inch thick on floured board. Cut into 1×3 inch strips. Remove chicken from broth. Drop in dumplings a few at a time, continuing until all added, then cover and simmer for about 15 minutes. Add the chicken, which has been picked off the bones.

Thank you, Faye and to all the WSCS women. Here are a few names of contributors you might recall: Joyce Rickett, Grace Moore, Mildred Ricket (Love her recipe: Bo’s Turnips!), Betty Carraway, Nina Ricket, Louise O’Neal and of course, My Mama, Doy Duffey and many others.

Let me know if you remember/want any of their recipes.

I plan to make chicken and dumplings in the coming days. I will let you know.

Wear your mask! Stay safe! Good things are coming in 2021!

Monday, December 21, 2020 – Robbery in College Station

Monday, December 21, 2020 – Robbery in College Station

Bonnie and Clyde could not have robbed the Aggies any better than the College Football Playoff Committee did.

Ohio State? Six Games? I hope Clemson beats the stuffings out of you and that all of the players and coaches have jock itch until Easter!

Notre Dame? Your schedule included Wake Forest and Georgia Tech! The Two top 20 teams you beat were Clemson (which you had to go to double OT – even with the Clemson back-up QB) and North Carolina. I hope the Alabama Crimson Tide rolls over the team, the Leprechaun, Brian Kelley, the Gipper, the Four Horseman, Knute Rockne, Ronald Reagan (when he was an actor, not a POTUS), the Victory March and any other of your traditions. I want Bama stomp you like an elephant and that Alabama and Nick Saban score so many points it becomes unsportsmanlike and three digits won’t fit on the scoreboard! ROLL TIDE!

Kirk Herbstreit? If I ever see you in Bryan or College Station, I will kick your biased butt from College Station to Hearne and back. And there will be 12 others waiting to do it again. You did not even give Texas A&M a comment! One would think you used to play for The Ohio State University! I hope you have an uncurable strain of jock itch!

BTHO North Carolina

Friday, December 11, 2020 – Snarky Friday aka – The Vaccine Cannot Come Soon Enough

Friday, December 11, 2020 – Snarky Friday aka – The Vaccine Cannot Come Soon Enough

This week’s SNARK goes totally to the COVID-19 Virus. Over 118 NCAA DI college football games have been cancelled this year. I am not going to waste time and energy trying to find who is not playing this weekend. I know the Texas Aggies are not playing due to Ole Miss COVID-19.

You can start your morning with a heavy side of bacon when Alabama rolls over Arkansas at 11:00 on ESPN.

There is Baylor and Oklahoma State on ESPN at 2:30. A game strictly to be played for pride and recruiting. Wait! If the Cowboys win, they go to Big 12 Playoff! Doesn’t matter. The Big 12 Championship Trophy does not reside in a trophy case in a Texas Institution of Higher Education!

If there is interest, Tennessee and Vanderbilt play on the SEC Network at 3:00. See how hot the coaching seat gets for Pruitt!

During the evening on ESPN there is LSU and Florida at 6:00. It will be a long ride from the swamp back to the bayou. Kyle pads his Heisman stats.

Auburn goes to Starkville to Mississippi State on the SEC Network at 6:30. Let the cow bells ring!

BIG SNARK to the Big 10 – Change the rules from six to five so Ohio State can play. Let’s have a big cheer for Northwestern in next week’s (hopefully) Big 10 Championship. Go You, Northwestern!

Because there is little football of interest, I have noted a few other “sports” that I have found while channel surfing. Perhaps these can fill your need for sports, especially football.

Of course there is the ever popular game at tailgates (remember tailgating?) of cornhole. Participants throw bean bags into a hole on a tilted wooden slab. Yes, there is actually a National Championship in this so called sport with a take-home prize of $20,000.

Then there is frisbee golf. This is where participants toss a plate looking disc through trees toward a metal structure. The 10 minutes I watched noted there was a prize of $20,000 for the winner. I do think frisbee golf is a great game. It is one where you can drink and smoke and still toss the disc.

There is log-rolling. I was unaware that it had become a middle school sport. I wonder why we didn’t do this at Stephen F. Austin. We are the Lumberjacks!

https://youtu.be/524ALMgwABY

BTHO COVID! STAY SAFE! WEAR THE DAMN MASK!

Monday, December 7, 2020 – My Monday After College Football Musical

Monday, December 7, 2020 – My Monday After College Football Musical

As you will note there are no awards for college football because quite frankly no teams deserve an honor for anything. Be happy you were able to play and that you have a W in your column. However, not to disappoint you I am sharing the opening songs of my new musical which I am calling The Assterick College Football Playoff Musical. Ready?

The opening number features the Texas Aggies of Texas A&M pleading to the College Football Playoff Committee.

Of course there must a retort, so here we have the College Football Playoff Committee singing to A&M.

Go Big Blue – BTHO Ohio State!

WEAR YOUR MASK and BTHO COVID!