Monthly Archives: November 2014

Friday, November 28, 2014 – HORSE LAUGH!

In case you did not hear it last night yelled from Kyle Field, here is the Texas A&M horse laugh yell.

Riffety, riffety, riff-raff! Chiffity, chiffity, chiff-chaff! Riff-raff! Chiff-chaff! Let’s give ‘em a horse laugh: Sssssss!

As in PISSSSSSSS on a hot rock and on you if you were wearing a black and white zebra striped shirt last night and the horse laugh you rode in on too, REFs! How many people in Kyle Field saw LSU jump off sides and into the neutral zone as the ball was snapped? Over 100,000. How many people with a yellow flag in their pants saw it? ZERO! WHAT? Was your bus back to the swamp leaving at 10:30 and you had to get to the bus station? Well, time definitely ran out on the Aggies last night with a non-called penalty in which the play resulted in an interception giving LSU the ball. Losing to the opponent is one thing.  Losing to the referees is another. But onward. Don’t look backward unless you intend to go there. Just remember.

TCU are you impressed with us now, Committee? The Horned Frogs put a Frog Ass-whipping on the Texas Longhorns. It appears TCU will be the religious school in the Big Top. Who knew? However, I would not want to be in Fort Worth next year and you know, “worst defeat in Austin, DKR” will be on the locker room walls in a couple of years as a reminder when Swoops is a veteran.

On a different shaped ball note, the # 7 nationally ranked Texas Aggie Women’s basketball team plays the # 8 nationally ranked Duke Women’s basketball team on Sunday at noon in Reed Arena. Look for me on TV. I will be the one wearing maroon. I hope those referees did not go to the School for the Blind where last night’s refs apparently attended. BTHO Duke.

Thursday, November 27, 2014 – Lots To Be Thankful For

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As my dear Honeyboy used to say, “There is always lots to be thankful for.” I have letters after my name and framed pieces of paper hanging on the wall written with Latin phrases and in Old English script that mean “You is kind; you is smart and you is important.” No wait. That line is from The Help. Let’s just go with smart.  But it does provide me with the perceived ability and credibility to create words, phrases and to use other word nerd, linguistic licenses.  And since there is always lots to be thankful for, I created the above word, listing in no particular order, ten things for which I am thankful. Well, people did not think supercalifragilisticexpialidocious would catch on either.

Why Freshmen? Because a majority of the starters for the Fighting Texas Aggie football team are freshmen.  True freshmen as in “…true to each other, as Aggies can be…”

Happy Thanksgiving, Gig ‘Em Aggies and BTHO LSU.

Monday, November 24, 2014 – And Then There Were Twelve

It is Week 14 of college football.  There are twelve teams left in contention for a big playoff berth.  And each one of them is fighting for fourth place in the Big Top Four. This is Anything Can Happen Week because it is the week of conference games between the state rivals – The Egg Bowl between Ole Miss and Mississippi State; The Iron Bowl between Alabama and Auburn, The Goodbye Will and Jameis Bowl between Florida and Florida State and The Duck The Beaver Bowl between Oregon and Oregon State. In the state of Texas we have The We Are Not Texas A&M on Thanksgiving Game between TCU and THE University. And The Fighting Texas Aggies will host the Tigers of LSU. A cow, a frog, a tiger and an Aggie walk into a bar… Sounds like an interesting Thanksgiving.

Then those teams on the West Coast play, like we care in Texas. Of the 12 teams remaining, The Big 12 is the only conference that does not have a playoff game. Interesting, huh?  Well, the conference did lose its Twelfth Man. Groan. The teams of contention become fewer but there are still plenty of awards to hand out.  So here we go.

To all of the fans in the path of the driving rain, lightning and thunder, delay the game storm, you receive The Poncho and Hefty (as in garbage bag) Award for standing in the pouring rain to watch your team play.  From the warm, confines of my chair in my dry sweat suit, you looked miserable, but I am proud of you.

OOOOOklahoma,  where the rains come whistling down the plains, you receive The Schooner Sooner Award giving a new meaning to the new Sooner Schooner combination wagon and watercraft.  And for beating Kansas.

The Hotty Toddy Sooey Pig Weather Award goes to Arkansas for also playing in same storm wave as OU and KU against Ole Miss in the cold, raining like hogs weather.  As the Arkansas coach said “It is WHOO PIG weather.” It certain wasn’t sitting on the veranda weather. It was more like, shut out the front door, for Ole Miss. Arkansas wins 30-0.

The Spandex, Uncomfortably Tight Award goes to The Ohio State University for not pulling away from Boston College until the fourth quarter.  These two teams also receive The Wearing the Same Color Uniform Award.

The Florida State Seminoles win The We Don’t Show Up Until the Fourth Quarter Award for once again coming from behind to win the game against Boston College. Where was Doug Flutie when you needed him?

The What’s The Point Award goes to the Florida State field goal kicker for kicking the winning goal with three seconds left in the game.

Texas Tech wins this week’s My State Plays Football Better than Yours Does for winning against Iowa State, as if anyone really cares.

The Baylor Bears, also in the same storm system from the 11:00 am games win The Baptists Love the Water Award for winning against Oklahoma State.

The Bears also receive The Nineteen Plays and Gasping Award for running nineteen plays, burning through half of the first quarter and staying on the field for 10 uninterrupted minutes.

The Don’t Criticize the Schedule Award goes to the SEC for scheduling creampuff, cupcake games before their big, and equally important big intrastate games. Note to Criticizers:  Have you looked at which conference will have the most teams in bowl games?  BTHO of LSU!

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Gypsy Rose Fortune Teller Here. Cross my palm with silver and I will look into my crystal ball and see the future of a bowl game for two major universities in Texas.  Yes, I see it now.  There appears to be great rumor mongering on the Internet that the team called The Aggies is reportedly afraid to play this university of orange in the Weird Land.  There are also rumors that the Big, Bad, “We’re The SEC and You’re Not!” says no to the Horns too, on behalf of The Aggies.  Hmm.  Gypsy Rose believes this to be harmful.  Never say The Aggies of Texas A&M are afraid.  Gypsy Rose believes this could become a bee up Bevo’s butt.  But alas, Gypsy Rose also sees lots of contractual agreements and paperwork from the SEC that says “Just say No to Texas” in multiple ways.  These appear to be DeLost Clauses of Dodd.  Oh no. I need more silver to cross my palm before I can see more.  However, if there is a bowl game between these two schools, Gypsy Rose will be surprised. And that seldom happens to psychics.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014 – The Magna Carta

Good Morning, Class,

Our social studies lesson today concerns The Magna Carta. That is Latin for Great Charter or Big Piece of Parchment that is Important in History. This charter or document was signed by King John at Runnymede in England on June 15, 1215.  This was during the fifth and sixth Crusades, shortly after the earth cooled and the dinosaurs became extinct due to an act of God. This is when the Christians were off fighting the infidels of Islam and trying to make everybody believe like they do.  This is not to be confused with today’s controversial textbooks approved by the Texas State Board of Education who employ similar techniques of ensuring everyone believes as they do and if there is no mention of Jihads or Islam, then they are not really there.

This king, John, was forced to sign the document. It was called a seal because there were few people who could read or write and education for the unwashed masses had not been invented.  Since it was a BIG document, there were no technicalities or loopholes. It said very straight forward – The King is not above the law.

Today this document was recently upheld in the courts of The Magna Hair Carta in Texas. This document states “No technicalities allowed; the Governor is not above the law and you have to show up for the charges.” See you in court, Captain Hairspray. This lesson approved by the SBOE.

November 18, 2014 – 2:42 AM November, 18, 1999

At 2:42 am this morning marked the 15th anniversary of the bonfire collapse on the Texas A&M campus killing twelve young people.

The following email was sent on the following day,Friday, 11/19/99, to his entire department at TEA. He is a retired United States Air Force Captain and Vietnam Veteran. I worked with him for years and never saw him express any emotion other than cynism or sarcasm.  He was on his way to Huntsville on the 18th when a bookcase fell from a pickup truck causing an accident. He was fine, but the car was not.  He and the car were towed to the Ford Dealer in College Station. He called his wife to come pick him up, but it would be a couple of hours before she could arrive.  He decided to get something to eat at the McDonalds and that is when he noticed the helicopters. He decided to walk over a take a look.  Here is his email.

“As I approached the site, you could not help but notice the 26 satellite trucks that surrounded the bonfire area on all sides. The media was EVERYWHERE – in the sky, around the site, and all over the parking lot. I walked up to take a look at the toppled pile of logs. They only way I can describe what I saw is to say that everything was surreal – for all the helicopters overhead, for all the trucks running their power-generators, for all the cranes and heavy equipment lifting the logs off the pile one-by-one – I noticed the silence.

No one was barking orders, no one appeared to be telling anyone what to do – it was if everyone knew what had to be done and they went about their job without a word.  I found it somewhat strange that there seemed to an absence of anyone over 25 years year old. Hundreds of young men and women – with makeshift hardhats of every color and description – lifted the heavy logs one-by-one and moved them to a clearing area.

With each log, their clothes got dirtier and dirtier, the number of cuts and bruses multiplied, and when their bodies said they needed a break, a fresh group of  young men and women would take their place – there was no shortage of volunteers.

Hundreds of students cycled between the campus and the bonfire area. There was nothing but silence. No one said hello; no one whispered; they would just stand on the sidelines, watch the logs slowly being removed and leave – it was as if they knew that they could not stand to look at it any longer without breaking down. At the local McDonalds across the street, students gathered and watched the TV coverage of the accident. No discussions, no comments, just silence.

It was a very moving experience. There is no question that the accident is a great tragedy, but I saw something else as well.  Throughout the ordeal, there was a tremendous sense of unity. Even the strongest guy there could not have lifted a log by himself and move it to the side alone – it took a team effort. It did not matter whether they were male or female, black or white, rich or poor, a football player, a squad member, a drill team member, or just a fan, they moved and acted as one.

Everyone who hoisted one of those heavy logs on their shoulders that day will remember the experience forever. So will those of us who stood on the sidelines.”

Keith”

Yes, Keith, but it is because, We are the Aggies; the Aggies are We. 

Monday, November 17, 2014 – College Football – Week 12

It is almost the end of the regular college football season. The number of teams who are hanging in the top hoping for the playoffs is getting smaller. So the first awards are the Good Bye Awards.

The Good Bye Award goes to Auburn who goes down to Georgia and is out of contention. Hey, you still have the Iron Bowl.

The Fight Song Award of Go U Northwestern for being 4-6 and yet beating Notre Dame. So we say Good Bye to Notre Dame too. Looks like it will be up to Miss Muffet again to bring home a National Championship Title for the school.

The Dam It All Up Award goes to the Oregon Beavers for upsetting Arizona State. So we say Good Bye to Arizona State. How’s the softball team looking this year?

The Orange Rising Award goes to THE University of Texas for looking very Strong! Thanksgiving just got a bit more interesting.

The Baconator or Just a Matter of Time Award goes to the Hogs of Arkansas for beating LSU. Sooey Pigs!

The Rally Award goes to Florida State for once again coming from behind against the Hurricanes of Miami.

The Award for Just Paddling Leisurely Along and playing a soft remaining schedule goes to the Ducks of Oregon.

The Crimson Tide Rising Award goes to Alabama, who will drown the Ducks and flood the Florida State swamps.

You ARE in Kansas Award, Toto goes to TCU. Thank goodness you realized you were at the University of Kansas, worst team in Big 12, and somehow escaped by four points. That will not win any Selection Committee votes.

The I Told You So Award goes to me for saying early on that Uncle Will Muschamp would not make it at Florida. CHOMP!

And to the Aggies of Texas A&M, I award the What the Hell? When it is fourth down and one yard to make it first down and goal or it is fourth down and two to score, why in the hell did you roll right and throw back left? Only Peyton Manning and Tom Brady can do that.  What dumbass called that play?

The only thing worse that poor play calling by the Aggies was the announcing team of Brat Mushburger and Jesse Palmer. At least Palmer quit saying “When I was Florida…”  Really, it is the SEC versus all the rest, and yet, we have to deal with those two clowns? Boo.