Category Archives: College Football

Saturday, September 22, 2018 – Mea Culpa; Mea Culpa Mea Maxi Mea Culpa

Saturday, September 22, 2018 – Mea Culpa; Mea Culpa; Mea Maxi Me Culpa

I apologize for not mentioning two of my favorite teams yesterday. I am going to blame it on my two and half hour wait with the unwashed masses at the DMV waiting to get my drivers’ license replaced.

Here’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

I wanted to look natural for my photo so I went directly from the gym wearing my gym clothes and the gray T-shirt I slept in the night before. Thank you, BA, for a hard workout to make me hot and sweaty when I arrived at the building. Even though I cooled off waiting for two hours, sweaty hat head provided a great hair do for the pic. I can’t wait to see it.

Upon arrival, I pulled my number from the kiosk. It was S3070. I looked at the board where the numbers to be called are displayed. They were on S3025.

Alas, it was my turn. I truly empathize with the people who do this.

Underpaid state employee: Do you have something with your photo on it?

Me: No. That is my TDL and that is why I am here. To get it replaced.

Underpaid: Your passport?

Me: No. In the box at the bank.

So I just gave her my wallet and said “What’s in my wallet?”

Underpaid: Here is your Medicare card. That will work.

Me: Big Sigh. So I gave my thumbprints, signed my name on an electronic box and had my photo made. Did I mention I have sty on my right eye? I cannot wait to see the photo.

My apologies to my fans in Louisiana and Mississippi for leaving you out on Snarky Friday. Here you go!

At 6:00 PM today on ESPNU the Tigers of LSU cupcake against the Bulldogs of LaTech. Tech XXII will be eaten by Mike VII as dessert. GEAUX Tigers!

ON ESPN2 Billy Bulldog

and the other Bulldogs of Mississippi State go up against the Wildcats of Kentucky. Bulldogs abound in the SEC, but the prettiest lady in football is Reveille.

LSU Tigers and State Bulldogs both know that LaTech and Kentucky are basketball schools so let’s hope you make them long for tip-offs with big wins.

I am going to watch Mississippi State in hopes for a linebacker interception for a TD so I can give a Big Solid Award on Monday.

BTHO ALABAMA and Kentucky and LaTech!

Friday, September 21, 2018 – Friday Football Snark

Friday, September 21, 2018 – Friday Football Snark

The Friday Football Snark is running way behind, but FFS does have a new TDL replacing the one l-0-s-t. It only took two and half hours.

Let us fall in with the Who Cares? Category

Tonight we have FAU and UCF on ESPN at 6:00. More schools from Florida.

At 8:00 on FS1 the alma mater of Lt. Colonel, Henry Blake, Illinois, plays Penn State. Henry taped the wrong ankle of the team’s running back. Pretty sure wrong or correct ankle tape will not help the Illini tonight.

No one worth watching at 11:00 Saturday morning. The teams I like begin at 2:30.

At 2:30 on FS1 we find Baylor and Kansas in what could prove to be a deluge of really wet water in Waco. But you know how those Baptists like to dunk.

Also falling into a possible deluge of really wet water further down I-35 THE University of Texas plays TCU in Austin. It could be a Frog strangler if you are not careful T. Kickoff is set for 3:30 on Fox.

On the CBS the game of the week is Number one ranked Alabama verses Number 22 and hopefully Aggie 2.0 version which means new and improved Texas A&M – also known as the Nick and Jimbo Show.

Getting Jimbo’s autograph. Hope it becomes more valuable that Johnny’s

I will construct my BTHO Bama shrine tonight. I have helmet with Johnny Manzeil’s autograph. I understand it could be worth $5.25 in Canadian money.

Currently the spread is 26.0. I think it will be a much closer game than that. Of course, I have thought that about the Aggies since 1980 when I first drank the maroon the Kool-Aid.

Both defenses are very religious. They are both very holy and could present some issues. What can and will Mr. Mond do with his feet?

Can you catch Trayveon?

The Aggies are coming and we’re bringing yardsticks with us to see how Jimbo and the team measure up. Start Rolling Tide. We are coming after you!

BTHO ALABAMA

Monday, September 17, 2018 – My Monday After College Football Awards

Monday, September 17, 2018 – My Monday After College Football Awards

Review: I write about the teams I like and teams that play teams I like.

So On Wisconsin to accept your Poopy Undies Award for losing to BYU 21-24.

The Wisconsin kicker who missed the game tying field goal to go to overtime receives The Hooked Left Award. This comes with a Bless Your Heart Certificate.

Also receiving a Poopy Undies Award are the Tigers of LSU and their fans. Nevertheless, a win over Auburn is worth it.

The Best Kick of the Day goes to the LSU kicker for kicking the game winning field goal with two seconds on the clock. LSU 22-Auburn 21.

It was not close enough for Poopy Undies but I am awarding the Grab Your Beads Award to Notre Dame for allowing Vanderbilt to come close. ND – 22 Vandy 17.

The One Kick Off Wonder Award goes to Ole Miss for their one and only score against Alabama. Tide 62 – Ole Miss 7. Rumors abound that Coach Saban put in the women’s soccer team; the tuba section of the band and two cheerleaders in the fourth quarter.

Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi State all share the We Scored Lots of Points and Win Big Award.

Baylor lost to Duke in what was not even close in The Baptists and Blue Devil Bowl. BU 27 Duke 40. I supposed the Blue Devil thing extends beyond Wake Forest. (See last Friday) It will be ok; Baylor, Kansas is next weekend. What? Kansas scored 55 points against Rutgers? I don’t know if Kansas scored 55 points last season in four games. Rock Chalk Jayhawk could cause some problems in Waco land.

Congrats to THE University of Texas for their win over USC 37 -14. However, I award the Horns The Ugly Uniform Award. Tradition is one thing, but uniforms that look like 1956 are another. They just look old.

Ohio State achieved The Revenge on The Little Sisters of the Poor Award by a 40 to 28 win over TCU. Watch out Texas the Frogs will be spitting mad next weekend. And their uniforms are prettier.

The Best Play of Any Football Game of the Weekend Award goes to University of North Texas for the fake fair catch and then touchdown run. Even if you have seen it, it is still fun to watch. The School Yard Play Award to UNT!

That means Arkansas gets The Our Face is as Red as Our Uniforms Award. Meanwhile the Eagles turned the Arkansas Hogs into a pig sty with a 44 to 17 win.

https://www.sbnation.com/college-football/2018/9/16/17864636/north-texas-fake-fair-catch-punt-return-td

The Throw Back to Last Year Award goes to the Texas Aggies. You looked like last year’s Aggies. This will not play well in Tuscaloosa next weekend. However, let us not forget the Aggies had FOUR touchdowns recalled. The score ended 48 to 10 over University Louisiana Monroe.

My last award of the day goes to the two mouths talking in the SEC announcer booth for the Aggies and Monroe game. Quite simply – YOU BOTH SUCK! You are supposed to call the football game. Instead you spent the entire fourth quarter talking:

  • Over the referee’s calls
  • While players are injured on the field
  • About personal stories of people and things nobody knows or cares about
  • Your impressions of all the Aggie and Warhawk football players you met during the week

With each play, instead of calling the play, you both gave your biased analysis of how that play or that player will do against Alabama next week. Granted, I do not know Coach Nick Saban. But here’s what I’m thinking. If Coach Saban wanted or needed your opinions, he would have already asked you and you would not be sitting in an announcing both doing a crappy job.

Friday, September 14, 2018 – Snarky Friday – College Football’s Most Valuable Team

Friday, September 14, 2018 – Snarky Friday – College Football’s Most Valuable Team

My apologies for running late with Snarky Friday. But at least I am still running.

It is Snarky Friday and let’s begin with a huge SNARK because there is a new dollar bill in town. Forbes Magazine states that college football’s most valuable team is:

Texas A&M University

So much for Bevo being the cash cow. The 148 million average annual revenue of Texas A&M is the largest in the nation. If you live anywhere but Austin, the media states that THE University of Texas’ annual revenue of 133 million, is a “distance second.” If you live in Austin, the media states it is a “close second.” It must some kind of new math they teach in Austin.

Speaking of increasing revenue, the Aggies will increase the revenue and warm up Saturday night against University of Louisiana Monroe. FYI – for those of you unfamiliar with the state of Louisiana Monroe is a fancy place in North Louisiana. If I understand correctly, do not confuse Monroe with West Monroe. One is fancier than the other.

THE University of Texas will have fond memories of USC from 2005, but that will be all the Horns will have. They kickoff at 7:00 on Fox.

While there are games at 11:00 they fall into the “I do not care category.” The real games are in the afternoon. Let’s start at 2:30 on CBS where we find the Tigers of LSU against the Tigers of Auburn. Geaux Tigers. LSU has a real tiger while Auburn is named for a hair color and has an anthropomorphic tiger.

Also at 2:30 on ESPN we have the Oklahoma State Cowboys against the Broncos of Boise State. If this game is on that blue field with the OSU orange it will be color blinding and nauseating. Go Pokes.

Baylor gets to play Duke on FS1 at 2:30. Did you know that the Duke mascot of Blue Devils is a result of a vote in 1923 partly to anger the Baptists of Wake Forest? Sic ‘Em Bears!

http://www.goduke.com/ViewArticle.dbml?DB_OEM_ID=4200&ATCLID=242333

At 3:15 on Fox with lots of red colors, Major Applewhite takes his University of Houston Cougars team against Kliff Kingsbury’s Texas Tech Raiders. Go Shasta.

Ohio State and TCU play at 7:00 on ABC. I had no idea there was such rivalry between these two teams dating back to 2010. It started when the president of Ohio State suggested the only reason the Frogs were undefeated was because they play the “Little Sisters of the Poor.” Then when TCU defeated Wisconsin in the Rose Bowl, TCU alums placed digital billboards around Columbus, Ohio that read:

CONGRATULATIONS TO TCU

For their BCS Rose Bowl Victory – Little Sisters of the Poor.

Go Frogs.

And last, but in no way least, at 6:00 on ESPN the Rebels of Ole Miss go up against The Tide of Alabama. While the Tide will roll, the Rebels could provide some grief. Therefore, I am awarding a Potential Poopy Undies to the Bama Fans. This is not for a loss, but for plays that will scare you. Hotty Toddy!

BTHO Louisiana Monroe

I wonder who the Aggies play next week.

Friday, September 7, 2018 – Snarky Friday Presents

Friday, September 7, 2018 – Snarky Friday Presents

For your Friday pre college football weekend we proudly present The Dancing Snarketts under the direction of Lula Bell Snark.

The Eyes of Texas may be upon Bevo’s Boys in Austin, but the eyes of college football will be on Kyle Field in College Station at 6:00 Saturday night. There is only one college football game of any significance and that is Clemson and Texas A&M. It is a show time for two Land Grant schools. It will be a Bo Battle as DaBO from Clemson meets JimBO from Texas A&M.

ESPN College Game is in town. Before you ask, I am not going to Game Day. Even though Kirk Herbstreit is a favorite, I am not going to be in the pit at 6:00 AM. The team will be dining on the fabulous C&J Barbeque. Great job to the Manning Family – the barbeque Mannings, not the football Mannings.

I am certain Coach Coursehead will put the Clemson mascot head on noting a win for the team. Clemson’s mascot is one of those anthropomorphic mascots. That means it is a person dressed up in a furry costume and not a real animal. Not only is that boring, the mascot’s name is Tiger. Clemson stole the tiger mascot idea from Auburn when Walter Merritt Riggs – father of Clemson football – came to the university in 1910. FYI – The Aggies have a real animal and her name is Reveille and she has a raincoat.

Until the mid-1970’s Clemson’s mascot on the sidelines was called The Country Gentleman. It was a top-hatted character with a tiger head in a purple tail coat, with a cane representing Southern hospitality. Since the description is nearly identical to the first result when you perform a Google Image search for “pimp outfit,” one can see why this mascot when away. https://www.elevenwarriors.com/college-sports/2016-fiesta-bowl/2016/12/78234/clemsons-mascot-is-as-terrifying-as-it-is-unimaginative

Dancing on down the field with the Snarketts, the big snark goes to the weather forecast. Rain? Really? Thunderstorms and lighting and raining at game time will yield the dreaded Weather Delay.

Buck up Sissy Pants. I stood in Kyle Field in 1982 when Baylor and Texas A&M played in a monsoon. Baylor whipped the Aggies and every time the Bears scored there was thunder and lightning in the end zone. Oh well, it rains on both sides of the ball.

Please note if the field is wet, The Dancing Snarketts will not perform.

BTHO Clemson

Monday, September 3, 2018 – My Monday After College Football Awards

Monday, September 3, 2018 – My Monday After College Football Awards

What a wonderful weekend of college football. Let’s get right to the awards.

My first two awards are the Class Awards. The first one goes to Maryland for honoring their late teammate Jordan McNair by lining up in a missing man formation. The second award goes to THE University of Texas for declining the penalty for ten men on the field.

The always favorite Poopy Undies Award goes to Penn State for scaring their fans into OT but winning against Appalachian State 45-38.

The following teams receive The Dominator Award for scoring big numbers on cupcake teams.

  • OU 63 – FAU 14
  • *Mississippi State 63 – SFA 6
  • *Texas A&M 59 – Northwestern 7
  • Oklahoma State 58 – Missouri State – 17
  • *Arkansas 55 – E. Illinois 20
  • Baylor 55 – Abilene Christian 27
  • TCU 55 – Southern 7
  • *Florida 53 – Charleston South 6
  • *Alabama 51 – Louisville 14
  • *Missouri 51 – UT Martin 14
  • Clemson 48 – Furman 7
  • *Ole Miss 47 – Texas Tech 27
  • *Georgia 45 – Austin Peay 0
  • WVU 40 – Tennessee 14 Really Tennessee? I thought this was your year. You looked as faded as your checkerboard end zones.

The following teams receive a Timex Award because they all took a licking but kept on ticking. Those gate receipts will buy lots of athletic tape for the bumps and bruises.

  • FAU 14- OU 63
  • SFA 6 – Mississippi State 63
  • Northwestern 7 – Texas A&M 59
  • Abilene Christian 27- Baylor 55
  • E. Illinois 20 – Arkansas 55
  • Southern 7 – TCU 55
  • Charleston South – 6 Florida 53
  • Louisville 14 – Alabama 51
  • UT Martin 14 Missouri 51
  • Furman 7 – Clemson 48
  • Austin Peay 0 – Georgia 45
  • Texas Tech 27 – Ole Miss 47
  • WVU 40 – Tennessee 14

Moving on down the Awards Field.

The Remember the Aggie/UCLA Game Award goes to Michigan State, THE University of Texas and LSU for getting far ahead and then fighting for the win in the fourth quarter. You must play the entire 60 minutes.

THE University of Texas also receives the Falling from the Top Award because that performance did not meet TOP 25 team expectations. Sorry, Bevo, but spurts of good plays with promise will not cut the mustard on the hotdogs.

Of course the Exploding Head Coach Award goes to Nick Saban. Coach Saban did apologize to the commentator for losing his temper, but come on – QUIT ASKING ABOUT THE ALABAMA QUARTERBACKS!

The Weather Delay Awards – To any team that had to leave the field and return after a significant amount of time due to lighting. HWIT – Weather delays change the game. I think it is a conspiracy between God and ESPN to get more people to stream sports on ESPN+ and ESNP3.

The YIKES Award goes to the Washington Huskies who lost to Auburn 21 to 16 in a real dog and cat fight. This is your best team, PAC 12? Yikes.

The Old Lady, Never Played or Coached Football Award (TOLNPCF) goes to every team and every player who was DQ for targeting. The following suggestion is engraved on the imaginary trophy. DO NOT TARGET the opposite player. TOLNPCF also thinks there should be a first time warning before ejection.

The asterisk (*) notes school in the SEC. You know that commercial where the girl says “SEC. It just means more?” What that really means is “SEC. We’re just better than you are.”

Happy Labor Day.

Friday, August 31, 2018 – Snarky Friday

Friday, August 31, 2018 – Snarky Friday

Happy Snarky Football Friday. Last night we had the opportunity to see two schools’ fund raisers to fund their entire athletic department. Pistol Pete and the Cowboys of Oklahoma State beat Missouri State 58-17. That Mullet is looking good, Mike.

Kyle Field 8.30.18 Photo by KB

Of course my eyes were glued to the Texas Aggies versus Northwestern State. I told you, Demons, that Kyle Field was loud. Three false starts in a row on the first series. Twelfth Man.

Of course we all held our breath when Northwestern scored in the Fourth Quarter. So what if the Aggies were ahead 50+ to zero. Final score Aggies 59 and Northwestern 7 plus a large percentage the gate receipts like Missouri State gets.

In the horrible 11:00 AM spot on Saturday we have following games with teams who must have done something back to get stuck here.

In the O-State battle we find Ohio State and Oregon State on ABC. The Beavers and Suspension.

Also at the non-football game time of 11 am we find THE University of Texas and Maryland on FS 1. Was it really necessary to throw Texas coach, Tom Herman, under that bus because he went to a strip club with the domestic abuser? What are you trying to do? Go dot your “I” with a tuba, Ohio State.

Hotty Totty, God Almighty! On ESPN we have the Rebels of Old Miss and the Raiders of Texas Tech. I do not think you are allowed to throw tortillas at NRG Stadium in Houston or write graffiti on the buses, Tech.

The Sooners of Oklahoma and QB Kyler Murray take on FAU (whoever that is and I’m too lazy to look it up) on FOX. I hope Murray has gained some weight. When he played for Texas A&M, he looked like he was one tackle away from a body cast.

Clemson and Furman kickoff at 11:20 on ACC Network. Come on Furman Paladins. Hope Clemson is looking ahead to next week.

The dogs are let out at 2:30 when the Washington Huskies meet the Auburn Tigers. This could be big for both the PAC 12 and the SEC conferences. It’s on ABC.

Opposite on CBS we find the Georgia Bulldogs playing the Austin Peay Governors. UGA going to peay all over the Governors.

Speaking of bulldogs. At 6:30 on ESPNU it’s the Lumberjacks of Stephen F. Austin and the Mississippi State Bulldogs. I must root for SFA since I have papers from there. However, I fear that Bullie will pee on the pines before the Jacks can give them the Ax.

In the big game, the Tide comes rolling in as Alabama and Louisville kickoff at 7:00 on ABC. In a Snark closing, I would like to say the following to all of the sports mouths. Nick Saban will decide who starts at quarterback for Alabama. All of you mouths are just speculating. I’m sure if Coach Saban needs your input he will call you. Roll Tide.

Thursday, August 30, 2018 – Here We Go, Jimbo! Getting Prepared

Thursday, August 30, 2018 – Here We Go, Jimbo! Getting Prepared

Okay, Jimbo, as a Former Student, Class of 1985, and nearing age 70, I want to see some of that 75 million in action tonight. WHOOP!

 

I have been waiting for this since 1967. That is when I first wanted to go to Texas A&M University. As usual, I was slightly ahead of my time. My dear, departed Honeyboy told me that I could attend “any college in the state of Texas except that long, haired, hippie, Communist school in Austin.” I am pretty sure he was not referring to St. Edwards.

But through a long and winding path from the Piney Woods of East Texas at Stephen F. Austin, and the Davy Crockett Forests of Sam Houston State, I finally made it to Texas A&M University. Once you drink the Kool-Aid, your blood turns maroon.

Tonight opens the Jimbo Fisher era and as always there is hope and promise of championships on the minds of every Aggie. The Aggies are prepared and you should be prepared for watching the game on the SEC Network at 7:30. Here are my handy, dandy suggestions for watching Texas Aggie football. One must have the following readily at hand:

  • The four basic food groups – Sweet, salty, alcohol and chocolate – are within twelve steps of access.
  • All screens, including phone, are charged or plugged into recliner. I only have six this year; I sold the TV on the patio.
  • Ensure all apps are up to date: Twitter, ESPN, ESPN Watch and all the Aggie apps.
  • Musical little football that plays War Hymn is near.
  • Dammit Doll is close for slamming into recliner or throwing toward the television. Try not to scare the cat.
  • Windows and doors to patio are closed so neighbors do not hear you sound like the sailors on shore leave in a bar with dancing poles. Now you know why I do not have a TV on the patio.
  • Should not be a factor tonight, but I always ensure I have a paper bag near in case of hyperventilation and YouTube video for self CPR in the event I stop breathing. This is only necessary in close games.

Here is a note of local flavor when watching the game tonight. One of the quarterbacks for Northwestern is from Navasota, Texas. That is just down Highway 6 a piece from College Station. Shelton Eppler was all-state QB and took his high school team of Rattlers to state and won the championship. Watch for him. He is number five and will be on the ground under an Aggie linebacker. Seriously, I hope he plays well and makes Navasota proud.

BTHO Northwestern

Wednesday, August 29, 2018 – Time to Start Getting Ready! Be Cool!

Wednesday, August 29, 2018 – Let’s Get This Party Started! Be Cool!

What are you wearing to the Aggie game tomorrow? I will be wearing a maroon T-shirt and shorts and tennis shoes. I will be sitting in my air conditioned living room on my high tech recliner. To accessorize I will be holding a maroon and white Texas Aggie Coozie fitted with an amber glass bottle of liquid. I hope I have enough amber bottles to get through the Fourth Quarter.

The Aggies will take the field tomorrow evening at 7:30 against Northwestern State University. Temperature in Kyle Field should have fallen into the lower 90’s by kickoff. It is going to be hot. Hot and muggy. Welcome to August in Texas.

However, The Aggies will be cool thanks to Adidas and their technology. “Jerseys are body-mapped for a refined fit.” I am not sure what that means, but it sounds like the jersey fits perfectly on the player. Jerseys have these ribbed knit patterns that are engineered mesh panels. These mesh panels channel a feature something Adidas made up called Climacool. It provides breathability and cooling zones to the players. The inside of the jersey features silicon grip patterns on the shoulders to lock the jersey in place over the shoulder pads.

Climacool? Cooling zones? I wonder if that cooling feature comes in something my size?

As long as it comes in his size, keeps him cool and running away from defenders toward the goal line, I do not care about the high tech ribbed patterns.

Stay Cool! BTHO Northwestern

Trayveon Williams waving to ME!

 

 

Tuesday, August 28, 2018 – First Yell and Aggies We Will Yell For. (For whom we will yell?)

Tuesday, August 28, 2018 – First Yell and Aggies We Will Yell For. (For whom we will yell?)

It is the eve of the First Yell. That is meaningful to Texas A&M Aggies. Here is a partial translation for the uninformed others.

Texas A&M Midnight Yell is set for

10 P.M. Wednesday, August 29, 2018.

If the game is early (Thursday) then Midnight Yell is early at 10 P.M.

You read that correctly. The Midnight Yell will be at 10 P.M. I don’t care how much earlier it is, I’m not going. Ms. Navasota and I are still looking for our cowboy boots left somewhere in the mud in 1983 on the way to then called Midnight Yell Practice.

For the Northwestern fans and other uninformed, Midnight Yell is when as many as 30,000 people stand in Kyle Field usually at midnight (and usually drunk) and practice the yells for the coming game.

Here are two of the Texas Aggies we will be yelling for.

Signing my Fan Card at Fan Appreciation Day. Photo by me.

Starting quarterback Kellen Mond.a 6’2’/210 pounds from San Antonio, but high school is IMG Academy in Florida.

Trayveon Williams-a 5’9″/200 pounds; Running Back; from Houston, C.E. King High School.

Me: a 5’8″/not 200 pounds; Running Backwards; from Magnolia, Magnolia High School.

Trayveon Williams signing my Fan Card. Photo by the 15 year old I handed my phone to. To whom I handed my phone????

BTHO NORTHWESTERN!