Category Archives: College Football

Monday, September 16, 2019 – My Monday after College Football Awards

Monday, September 16, 2019 – My Monday after College Football Awards – Week Three

Week Three of the college football has ended. Cupcake season has ended. The smaller schools are counting their gate receipts and licking their wounds. Week four means we are getting down to business.

Today, the first award goes to the Georgia Bulldogs for Best Sportsmanship and Love Shown at a Football Game. Georgia fans wore pink to honor the Arkansas State coach, Blake Anderson. Coach Anderson lost his wife, Wendy, to breast cancer last month. This was his first game back. Wendy was a Conroe girl whose parents were family friends. In the long run, it is just a football game. Thoughts and prayers to Coach Anderson, the children, her mother, Judy and Arkansas State fans.

But back to the game and awards. All winning schools listed below will receive The Hostess Cupcake Award, while their opponents receive the Thanks for Playing and Increasing the Athletic Budget Award.

The Bulldogs would go to beat the crap out of Arkansas State 55-0. Other cupcake games and the awards go to the following:

TAMU Lamar – 62-3 – I think the Aggies were about to put in Reveille the last two minutes. But, the Aggie offense wins the Hippy Dippy Shakes Award for still looking shaky before SEC opens next week. I don’t care how many points were scored. I could have scored late in the fourth quarter.

Texas Rice 48 – 13 – Speaking of cupcake games, the Award for Best Cupcake Season goes to THE University of Texas. However, the Big 12, Only 10 Conference has taken a turn of interest and some of the traditional cupcakes are showing some beef cake. For example.

Kansas Boston College 48-24 – Yes, you read that correctly. The University of Kansas scored 48 points and beat Boston College IN Boston. It was never even close for a Flutie Hail Mary try. The Jay Hawks win The Toto; We’re Not in Kansas Anymore Award. Coach Les Miles of Kansas has been placed on my Watch List for the Maybe the Grass is Greener on the Other Side Trophy.

Kansas State Mississippi State 31 -24 – Sharing The Toto We’re Not in Kansas Anymore Award is Kansas State. Mississippi State wins The WTH Happened Award?

OU UCLA 48-14 – UCLA wins the Thanks for Playing Award.

LSU Northwestern 65 -14 – Northwestern also wins the Thank for Playing Award.

Alabama SC 47-23 – Bama wins the Raw Hide Rowdy Yates Award Rolling, Rolling Rolling; Watch the Tide a Rolling; Watch the Tide a Rolling; TUA!!!

Auburn Kent State 55-16 – Auburn wins the See You Next Weekend at Tailgate Award. WHOOP!

The Pepto Bismal Upset Award goes The Citadel for their OT victory over Georgia Tech 27-24. The Citadel also receives my classic Poopy Undies for scaring your fan base to go along with it. But good job, Citadel.

Also receiving Poopy Undies Awards are:

Iowa and Iowa State – 18-17 – The Cyclones of Iowa State also win the Watch Where You are Going Award given to a player for running into his own man on a punt causing a fumble and an Iowa recovery and loss of a field goal opportunity for Iowa State.

My first Stupid Announcer Mouth Award of the year goes to the Dudes calling the Texas A&M and Lamar game. Don’t bring your game to Texas if you don’t know our history! Gentlemen, Janis Joplin is from Port Arthur, not Beaumont. Yes, she did a semester at Lamar, but anybody who loves (present tense) Janis knows she WENT to THE University of Texas.

My final award today goes to the Lamar Band. You win The Rude Award for playing when the Texas Aggie Band was playing. Thank goodness it was not during Spirit or War Hymn.

See you on Snarky Friday. Happy Dia de la Independencia!

Friday, September 13, 2019 – The Snark of the Full Moon

Friday, September 13, 2019 – The Snark of the Full Moon

Today is Friday the 13th and tonight promises a full moon and today promises lots of Snark.

Let’s back up to last week. Come on Texas! What’s with the air conditioner in the visitors’ dressing room? There are certain rules that should never be ignored. Not limited to, but including these:

  • Don’t tug on Superman’s cape,
  • Don’t turn down The Queen’s invitation, Meagan and
  • Don’t piss off LSU!

Besides, if the alleged faulty air conditioning in the visitor’s dressing room story is true, what did you expect to accomplish? THEY ARE FROM LOUISIANA! Have you been to Louisiana? It is a mosquito infested SWAMP. It is a very poor state (i.e. no house AC and maybe no indoor plumbing for many.) Napoleon sold it to Thomas Jefferson because the mosquitoes were so big. People in Louisiana don’t care about how hot it is. They only care about how hot their crawfish boil is.

So, even if the air conditioning was working, why did the LSU band have to sit in the nose bleed upper deck, half-way to Round Rock? You can deny until there are pictures. Oh wait, there are pictures. Just Google LSU Band Texas Game.

Don’t be surprised next year when the Longhorn team and band are put up at The Patricia Motel (family joke) and the Longhorn band will be on the upper deck of Death Valley half way to the Louisiana State Capitol. And one more thing. When the LSU band marches in and the sequined girls and flag bearers are carrying those black bags? You better check on Bevo because I have seen Mike the Tiger have lunch!

But moving down the field to Week Three. It is not exactly a cupcake clash with big schools, but it could be a sheet cake and some pretty good games.

Tonight on the ACCN we get to see the surging Kansas Jay Hawks fly Miles, as in Les, to meet up with Boston Colleges. Rock Chalk Jayhawk. One game win is a surge for Kansas.

Then at 8:15 on ESPN we have a clash of the Cougars and lots of red on the field when the Mike Leach Washington State Cougars square off with Dana Holgorson’s Houston Cougars. Eat ‘em up, Shasta!

Let’s start Saturday with the Bloody Mary 11:00 AM games. We find Mississippi State and Kansas State on ESPN. Go Bulldogs.

Opposite on ESPN2 we have more Bulldogs with Uga and the rest of the Georgia Bulldogs hosting Arkansas State.

At 11:00 on the SEC Network, we can see Tennessee trying to stop the erosion of Rocky Top by hosting the Chattanooga Shoe Shine Boys.

The 2:30 time slot on CBS holds great potential for the possibilities of two Exploding Head Coaches Awards when Alabama and South Carolina meet. Saban and Muschamp will be fun to watch. Roll Tide! Note to equipment managers – pack more headsets.

Also at 2:30 on ESPN2 the Cowboys of Oklahoma State are in Tulsa. The Pokes will be playing in memory of Daddy Boone, for T. Boone Pickens, OSU greatest funder. Bet you did not know that T. Boone Pickens played a year of basketball at Texas A&M? His scholarship was not renewed and he went to Oklahoma and would donate enormous amounts of money to Oklahoma State. RIP T. Boone.

Sidebar: KK, I cannot believe your baby shower is at this time slot! You graduated from Oklahoma State. I know! I know! It has to do with Baylor being idle this weekend.

As twilight draws, we find:

Florida and Kentucky kickoff at 6:00 on ESPN. Time to make a beer run.

LSU should have no problem with Northwestern of Natitchoches at 6:30 on the SEC Netwrok. I bet the Northwestern band will decent seats.

At 6:00 on ESPNU the Texas Aggies regroup against Lamar in Kyle Field. I like Lamar. It is an up and coming program who could make one of my college favorites.

The OU offense will shine with Schools of Initials – OU and UCLA at 7:00 on Fox. Go Jalen.

At 7:00 on CBSSN the Eyes of Texas as in THE University of will be upon the Owls of Rice University in the Rice Cake Bowl in Houston. OK, I made up The Rice Cake Bowl. I cannot wait to see what the Marching Owl Band (The MOB) has to say at half-time.

Grab the popcorn, get your beer and let’s kick off Week 3 and of course

BTHO Lamar

Monday, September 09, 2019

Monday, September 09, 2019 – The Monday after College Football Awards Show

Today is 09.09.2019.

Let’s begin as usual with the weekly Poopy Undies Awards. Teams receiving PU Awards for scaring their fans are:

  • Michigan who barely won in OT against Army 24 to 21 and
  • LSU and THE University of Texas at Austin. Both teams and their fans please collect your trophies. Note: this award was made at the end of the third quarter Saturday night.

Alright! Alright! Alright! The award for Best Looking Person on a team’s sideline goes to the Minister of Culture, Matthew McConaughey.

I ask my wonderful SFA college Roomie to send me pic from the game. I really appreciate the picture, but I was hoping for a selfie with Matthew. Maybe next time?

The Sight for Sore Eyes Award goes to Boise State. The Broncos won over Marshall as in We Are, Marshall, Matthew McConaughey movie. But it is that blue field! That ugly blue field. I have heard of Field of Dreams, but IMHO, that is a Field of Nightmares on the cones and rods in my eyeballs!

The Someone’s Gonna Get Hurt Award goes to Jalen, OU and the Boomer Sooners! Plus OU has a guy a running back named Rambo! OU 70 – South Dakota 14.

Two Awards go to The Fighting Texas Aggies. First, we all know the Aggies never lose; they just run out of time. So The Add More Time Award goes to The Aggies with the inscription: Time Needed: 365 more days.

The second award to the Aggies is the Eagles Award when they sing

We can beat around the bushes;
we can get down to the bone
We can leave it in the parkin’ lot,
but either way, there’s gonna be a
heartache tonight, a heartache tonight I know.
There’ll be a heartache tonight
a heartache tonight I know.

The OMG What a Shot and What a Match Awards go to Rafael Nadal and D Medvedev for US Open Men’s Tennis Finals. Nadal wins in 5 sets and four hours and 50 minutes.

The No 10 Run Rule goes the Houston Astros for their win 21 – Mariners 1..

On a final note – If you love football; love the South; and love history turn to the SEC network on Tuesday nights at 7:00 CST (I think) for Saturdays in the South. I had no idea John Heisman was so influential in the growth of football in the South. Maybe football should give an award named him.

Friday, September 6, 2019 – First Snarky Friday of September

Friday, September 6, 2019 – First Snarky Friday of September

It is week two of college football. This Saturday we have another mixing bowl of cupcake games. Everybody will have their cake and eat it too. Except, it is separation Saturday for four teams. But first.

For the 11:00 am hour, there is no school worth watching even if you attended it. Therefore, run errands, go the grocery story, perhaps take in an outdoors event. Get all of that done before 2:30. Then just turn the channel to ABC and hang on.

At 2:30 we have Clemson University hosting The Fighting Texas Aggies in Death Valley. The ‘bo’ boys of Dabo and Jimbo will duke it out. I am already nervous.

Following that game on ABC we have THE University of Texas at Austin hosting the Tigers from LSU in Darrel K. Royal Memorial Stadium. This is the first matchup of two top ten teams this season. The Horns will have pleasure of hearing the LSU band play Hold That Tiger multiple times.

Since there are few teams to snark about, I must prepare for these two important contests. It is necessary to obtain large quantities of the four basic football food groups – sweet, salty, alcohol and chocolate.

I must ensure Maroon Out shirt is clean, must get dammit doll ready along with a small maroon and white football that plays War Hymn when pressed. I must change to LSU shirt before their kickoff.

Then I must ensure the oxygen tanks are filled in the event of a close game and God forbid OVERTIME!

Until Monday – Hold that Tiger! And BTHO Clemson!

And to my relatives is Louisiana – Feel free to sing “Good bye to Texas University; so long to the orange the white…” and “Saw Varsity’s Horns Off!”

To my TU friends – here is a little YouTube video to start your weekend. GEAUX TIGERS!

I’m pretty impressed with the girls prancing down the street in heels, but I do not understand the bags. Make-up and cosmetics? Maybe comfortable shoes?

Monday, September 2, 2019 – My Monday After College Football Awards

Monday, September 2, 2019 – My Monday After College Football Awards

It is the long awaited first official awards show for 2019. Actually, it is long awaited to the two people who texted me wanting to know why I haven’t posted. So let us begin.

The first award is the Win Big over the Cupcakes award. This goes to almost every team. (Remember, it is only teams I like) Texas A&M, LSU, Georgia, Alabama, Baylor, Oklahoma State, THE University of Texas and Oklahoma. I regret to inform these schools that points are not transferable to the next games where each team will need all of the points they can score.

The Infamous Poopy Undies Award goes to the Big 12’s Iowa State for defeating Northern Iowa in three overtimes by 29 to 26. Three overtimes? It’s nothing. Try seven!

The New Oh Crap and Pepto Dismal Award goes to the Tennessee Volunteers in their upset by losing to Georgia State by eight.

Les Miles debuted with a win at Kansas. Yes, Kansas won their opening game. Their season is already better than last year’s. So to Coach Miles and the team, I give the Rock Chalk, Jayhawk Award.

The Ruby Red Slippers Award goes to Jalen Hurst, QB for Oklahoma. Jalen? Did you forget your white socks that everybody else wore? Why were your shoes red and the rest of the team’s white? Nevertheless, the Sooners looked well on their way down the Yellow-brick road toward the trophy.

Due to preexisting social conflicts, I was not able to see Saturday football games. Therefore, I do not have awards this week for uniforms, obnoxious announcers, fans, mascots, referees and any others I make up while viewing. This includes the Exploding Head Coach Award. However, I have from extremely reliable sources that the First Exploding Head Coach Award for 2019 goes to Nick Saban of Alabama. If Coach Saban exploded against Duke I can’t wait to see how many headsets he breaks over the season.

Tonight we have Notre Dame versus Louisville. I hope the stadium lights go out. I have transferred my dislike of these two schools because of women’s basketball to the schools’ football teams. Do I have to go to confession if I do not yell for Notre Dame; or can I make it up by yelling for a Catholic school during basketball season? Loyola or Gonzaga?

Next week’s big winner appears to be Hurricane Dorian. The storm could impact multiple games next week including Clemson and Texas A&M.

While Dorian currently appears to pose minimal impact on Clemson, which is inland in South Carolina, others lie in the storm’s path. Remember them in thoughts and prayers.

Friday, August 30, 2019 – Here Come the Snark!

Friday, August 30, 2019 – Here Come the Snark!

It Snarky Football Friday. It is Cupcake Kickoff for this the first weekend of college football.

Clemson and Texas A&M both handled their cupcakes of Georgia Tech and Texas State last night quite handily. Next week is going to be a fun Dabo and Jimbo contest.

Tonight on FS1 the Cowboys of Oklahoma State play the Beavers of Oregon State. This is not a cupcake game. It is at 9:30 which is the reason nobody cares about west coast teams, especially those that wear ugly brown uniforms. Oregon State uniforms look like they were done with the paint left over from Nike’s glow in the dark yellow that The University of Oregon wears.

Saturday the winner of the dreadful 11:00 time slot on ESPNU we find the Bulldogs of Mississippi State versus Louisiana. Not sure who Louisiana is. It could be a school. It could be the entire state.

The Tide comes rolling over the Duke Blue Devils at 2:30 on ABC.

More Bulldogs at 6:30 on ESPN when Georgia takes on Vanderbilt.

At 7:00 on the one-school programming, Longhorn Network THE University of Texas at Darryl K. Royal Memorial Stadium meet and greet the Bulldogs of Louisiana Tech. The Horns will win one of their two games played by teams from Louisiana.

Speaking of the other school from Louisiana, we can see the Tigers of LSU and Georgia Southern at 6:30 on the SEC Network.

Sadly, no TV, but the Bears of Baylor host the Lumberjacks of Stephen F. Austin State University. Sorry, Baylor family, my cheers are going where my Daddy’s money and I went. Give ‘Em the AX Jacks because “Oh future bright ‘neath the purple and white…”

Just when you think it’s over for the weekend, The University of Houston premiers their new coach, Dana Holgorsen and The University of Oklahoma premiers their new quarterback and next Heisman winner at 6:30 on ABC.

Snark out. Happy Labor Day. Be safe.

Thursday, August 29, 2019 – Finally! Time to Boast the Prowess Bold

Thursday, August 29, 2019 – Finally! Time to Boast the Prowess Bold!

7:30 SEC Network

BTHO Texas State

Monday, August 26, 2019 – My Monday After Saturday/Sunday Athletic Contests Awards!

Monday, August 26 – My Monday After Saturday/Sunday Athletic Contests Awards!

First to Sunday – to the Louisiana Southwest Little League team for winning the Little League World Series. Congratulations to them! Congratulations to the state of Louisiana! Great young players on both teams.

And now back Saturday and college football – Florida vs. Miami Saturday Night

My number one award is the “I Really Don’t Care Award” awarded to both Florida and Miami. See, even though I was not raised in Louisiana, I was taught early on to never pull for team from Florida. And now that Florida is in the SEC, I never pull for Florida even more so. Besides, I cannot be bothered with them this season. That means the Aggies do not play the Gators this season.

Our first Poopy Underwear Award of the year (for scaring their fan base due to a close game) goes to the Florida Gators.

The Recorded the Wrong Channel Award goes to me. I accidently recorded the ESPN with the five screens. If you have not seen this, the five screens stay on your TV for the entire game.

I do not need this much data flowing through my brain. I just want to watch the damn football game. I do not want to watch a camera on both coaches; interviews with former players of both teams, a box with statistics in it and the ESPN logo; the actual game and in the largest box of all – four white dudes in casual slacks and no ties discussing the game as it is being played. Did I mention I don’t care?

Here’s what I’m thinking. I would like to give five screens at my house a try. Not watching other games with five data flowing screens on my TV screen but simulating the four dudes. I would have dudes and dudessess come to watch and comment on an Aggie football game as it is being played in real-time.

Who would I have? I would invite Ms. Navasota, my friend Randy from Katy, RL, and me. Maybe we, I could have a 5th chair. You know – like on ESPN Game Day.? Let me know if you are interested in having a chair in my living room this fall.

I’ll need some technical help to record us and to put our five live boxes on air. We will be seated in my living room watching an Aggie football game. Bras are optional, but T-shirts are required; gentlemen must wear pants and a top; shoes are optional and sandals with socks are optional.

We will sit behind a table with adult beverages of choice  (Screen 1) and keep statistics in the statistics box of the number of drinks we consume (Screen 2) and the number of times we curse at the TV (Screen 3). Screen 4, of course will be the game. That leaves room for a fifth screen. Maybe a slideshow of our pets and actually show the bands marching at halftime.

I believe this idea has great broadcast potential. Let me know if you are interested in becoming a guest commentator, drinker and cusser for Saturday college football games.

It is going to be a great year. Let’s get these tailgates started staring this Thursday.


Friday, August 23, 2019 – It’s Snarky Friday Kickoff

Friday, August 23, 2019 – It’s Snarky Friday Kickoff

It is the official kickoff of Snarky Friday – my college football comments before Saturday’s big games. We must begin today as the Texas Aggies open next Thursday against Texas State University – formerly Southwest Texas State University.

Oh the joys of traffic for a week day football game. Classes are just beginning at Texas A&M, Blinn College and the school districts of the Brazos Valley. No one knows where they are going. No one knows how to drive. Tailgating on east and west campuses. RVs and tents and corn hole matches dominating the land surrounding Kyle Field. 30,000 people in town Wednesday for Midnight Yell. But I am excited and already have my maroon out shirt. Every game is a maroon out game.

In other Aggie news. The 12th Man of the Aggie football team is Braden White. He is from Florence Alabama. What do you think about that, Nick? Jimbo trying a little psych out maybe? See you October 12.

I now have access to the ACC Network because I am a loyal customer – aka subscribes to all of the other sports channels. For those only familiar with the LHN, other conferences share and fans have the benefit of seeing many more schools play many more sports.

And now to the meaningless college football ratings. I see that THE University of Texas is rated number 10 in several polls. The Horns should rip through the mediocre Big 12 Conference. We shall see if they can hold on to that ranking. September 7 and October 12 should take care of it. Prepare yourself to hear Tiger Rag and Boomer Sooner ad nausea. The road to the National Championship runs through the SEC, OU and Clemson.

I see where Baylor University and The University of Mississippi will play in Houston in 2020. Well, “Hotty Toddy, God Almighty!” Am I the only one who finds it ironic that Baylor, the largest Baptist school on the planet, with no drinking is playing Ole Miss where alcohol is consumed like water and the drinking age in Mississippi is 10?

And then Old Miss fans do the Toddy Chant.

Are You Ready?

Hell Yeah! Damn Right!

Hotty Toddy, God Almighty,

Who The Hell Are We? Hey!

Flim Flam, Bim Bam

Ole Miss By Damn!

Nothing like cussing in your yell when Ole Miss plays Baylor. Maybe the Rebels will dance too.

I am so ready for it all. Kick-off is only days away. Must get prepared for it. Note to self – pick up Bloody Mary mix and vodka for 11:00 am games, beer for 2:30 games, and wine for 6:00 games. Yes, a case of each. That should hold me through the Aggie-Clemson game.

BTHO Texas State!

Tuesday, August 6, 2019 – Worst Ever!

Tuesday, August 06, 2019 – Worst Ever!

From the Helen Keller-Stevie Wonder School of Football Uniform Design we have the alternate uniform for Michigan State University – The Spartans. Note: Caution is urged if you look or read further.

In a failed attempt to simulate the success of the University of Oregon’s football uniforms of highlighter yellow and shades of green not on the colorwheel, Michigan State chose this to wear on Saturdays. It is call their alternate uniform.

Really? What team wears a uniform the color of Granny Smith apples? It looks as though the player stepped in a giant Sara Lee key lime pie.

From the website – just Google Michigan State Uniforms

“The numbers and STATE emblazoned across the chest look like the text size on your grandpa’s iPhone. The splash of sea-sick granny apple is bad enough on the torso, but when paired with the toxic chemical spill that are the pants, induces something akin to a pre-frontal lobotomy on unlucky onlookers.”

Here’s what I’m thinking. I think Nike used left over paint remains from making Oregon uniforms and made these for you, Michigan State. Now you see why their bid was the lowest. Either that you bought them at Wal-Mart.

I do not need nor want to see this in high definition against any team, but I especially do not want to see it against Ohio State or Michigan. Too much color. To Michigan State: If you play on one of those weird blue or red football fields I will puke before I can change the channel.

Now I must go wash my eyeballs.