Category Archives: humor

Monday, February 17, 2020 – Dressing for Court – Jury Call

Monday, February 17, 2020 – Dressing for Court

Last Monday, I had jury duty. I know I am age exempt, but I choose to answer the summons and appear. I show up because I believe serving on a jury ranks right up there with voting and serving your country in the military. One is never too old to do these things in some way.

I noted on the summons the directive to “dress appropriately for court proceedings.” This is a relative phrase to one’s thought processes regarding what is appropriate for one’s court attire.

For example, I chose a pair of black twill pants, recently creased from the cleaners and a blue pin-stripe cotton button down shirt, also recently starched from the cleaners. I wore real black shoes (i.e. not tennis shoes or flip flops.) This ensemble was accentuated and topped off with my Ruth Bader Ginsberg socks. PS – my hair was not purple at the time.

There are three district courts on the fourth floor of the Brazos County Courthouse. All prospective jurors show up at 8:30 am. The result is many, many people milling around in their appropriate court attire. Most of the people are looking at their phones or reading a book. With each opening of the elevator door a new throng of appropriately attired court clothes appeared.

But then a man of some indeterminate age between 21 and 40, steps off the elevator. HE is wearing black jeans and black T-shirt with white lettering that read:

I (Heart) Big Fat Doobies.

I was so over-dressed. I was not one of the chosen ones for my district court. Not because of my appropriate attire. Probably when I said I was a “recovering bureaucrat retired from the state of Texas.” They know that I know how the systems work.

I do not know what happened to man. He was obviously called for another court. I have a pretty good guess that he too was not chosen FOR jury duty, but perhaps chosen BY the jury for jail duty.

DSC_0478 (3)

Call Me!

Monday, January 13, 2020 – TODAY! The Division I NCAA College Football Championship

Monday, January 13, 2020 – TODAY! The Division I NCAA College Football Championship

TO:  The LSU Tigers

FROM: The Institutions of Higher Education created by The Morrill Act (Land grants Universities),

The schools of the Southeastern Conference,

The people of Louisiana, and

Those who have roots there even though they do not live there

DATE: January 13, 2020

SUBJECT:  Beat the Hell Out of Clemson

GEAUX TIGERS! Bring that trophy to Louisiana!

We are all wearing purple and gold today.

Besides, nobody looks good in orange. It does not match any other colors and does not rhyme with any other words.

Look, even my cat. Obviously, she is a descendant from the line of one of the LSU’s Mike the Tiger.

Peach on LSU shirt

This message is only good until November 28, 2020!

Friday, January 10, 2020 – Until November 28, 2020 Continued

Friday, January 10, 2020 – Until November 28, 2020 Continued

Many of you know that Donnie Daye was my first cousin. His mother and my mother were sisters.

Donnie played on the 1958 LSU Championship Team. He was a blocking back for Heisman Winner, Billy Cannon. Allegedly Donnie threw the block in the Halloween game that sprang Billy Cannon down the sideline to score against Ole Miss.

I only have a few LSU sports related memorabilia, but I do have this shirt, some pictures Donnie’s wife Penny sent and a pic or two of me and Billy Cannon. My conversation with Billy Cannon is a great memory.

Billy Cannon 8.10.2014 2014-08-10 005 (600x800)

 

Billy Cannon 8.10.2014 2014-08-10 004 - Copy (600x800)

Me: Mr. Cannon? Will you sign my shirt?

BC: Oh, my goodness. Where did you get this?

Me: In Godsheaux’s in …

BC: In Plaquemine, Louisiana?

Me: Yes. Donnie Daye is my first cousin. I was visiting our aunt who lives there a couple of years ago and bought this commorative shirt.

He moved the shirt to side, and we talked for about five minutes before he signed my shirt.

Billy Cannon 8.10.2014 2014-08-10 003 - Copy (800x585)

 

I was able to get both Donnie and Billy to sign it.shirt 2.1

shirt 3.1

Check it out – Favorite Aggie Cuz!

Donnie and Penny

Donnie and Penny Daye

Tribute to Donnie on field (800x800)

Donnie passed away in December 2017. This is LSU’s tribute to Donnie the following football season.

Donnie, Penny and Billy have since gone to the Big Game. But I am thinking they are saying with me…

BEAT THE HELL OUTTA CLEMSON! AGAIN!

Sugar Bowl

 

Thursday, January 9, 2020 – Just Until November 28, 2020

Thursday, January 9, 2020 – Just Until November 28, 2020

Dear Friends and Especially my Family from Louisiana and to Donnie and Penny Daye and Billy Cannon in Heaven,

I have always believed that had my parents not moved to Texas I would have an LSU degree on the wall. Instead, there is a sheepskin on the wall from Texas A&M University.

Therefore, LSU fans, in anticipation of your upcoming game on January 13, 2020, celebrating the birthdays of myself and the lovely and talented CSE, who is actually from Louisiana, and the National Football Championship Game, I have written a song in anticipation victory.

 

Come on Joe, we gotta go me oh my oh

We gotta go pole the pirougue down the bayou

The S-E-C it just means more me oh my oh

Son of gun let’s have big fun on the bayou

Well jambalaya and a crawfish pie; make Clemson gumbo

Cause that night you gonna get football’s ma cher amino

We’ll pick guitars, fill fruit jars until Novembro,

Until then you gonna bring it on the bayou.

 

 

Friday, November 22, 2019 – Snarky Friday – Week 13 College Football

Friday, November 22, 2019 – Snarky Friday – Week 13 College Football

There has just been too much snark this week. Therefore, The Snark is out to reduce Snark Pollution and will only address a few games. Besides, my online class at The University of Legargy begins soon.

Penn State at Ohio State – 11:00 on Fox. For those you care. For the rest of us, it is a good time to run Saturday errands.

The only reason I include The War of the Catholics of Boston College and Notre Dame is for my weekly text from RL. It cheers me up. Oh, the game is on the Notre Dame Network (NBC) at 1:30. Plenty of time to make Saturday evening mass.

The rest of the times and stations appear to have cupcake games. These include: W. Carolina and Alabama, Samford (not STANFORD) at Auburn and LSU and Arkansas.

Therefore there are only two games of significance. And at the same scheduled time. Ugly face emoticon.

THE University of Texas at Baylor – 2:30 on FS1 in The Battle for I-35. Waco is only two hours north of Austin. I hope the Horns left early this morning. Given I-35 construction and traffic, the buses may arrive by game time tomorrow.

To the Bears! – Remember there are FOUR QUARTERS in the game. You have to play all of them. Sic ‘Em Bears. Pour that Baptist Holy Water in the Brazos.

Texas A&M at The University of Georgia – 2:30 CBS “between the hedges” in Sanford (Again, NOT STANFORD) Stadium. This promises to be heartbreaker for the team whose mascot is a canine. Let’s hope it is the team with the collie whose name begins with R that does the heart breaking.

Oh Snark. Aggies on CBS with Gary Danielson! Remember last week he laughed at and made fun of the female photographer who was knocked unconscious and carted off the field by stretcher. To shut Gary up, find a radio station with the Aggie/Georgia Game, mute the TV and enjoy the game. Or watch the TU and BU game.

BTHO Georgia!

Wednesday, November 20, 2019 – Some Mid Week Exercises

Wednesday, November 20, 2019 – Some Mid Week Exercises

OK – Let’s get up off that couch, put on our sports bra (or whatever items of support your gender requires), our tank top, our favorite shorts and our expensive running shoes and let’s do some exercises. Ready?

  1. Stand up tall with feet apart.
  2. Bend over and pick up a five pound potato sack.
  3. Hold it over your head as long as you can.
  4. Set it back down.
  5. Repeat three times.

EXCELLENT! FANTASTIC!

Now let’s up our exercise.

  1. Stand up tall with feet apart.
  2. Bend over and pick up a ten pound potato sack.
  3. Hold it over your head as long as you can.
  4. Set it back down.
  5. Repeat three times.

OH MY GOODNESS! YOU ARE GREAT!

Now, this time, let’s put the potatoes in the sacks and try again.

Friday, November 15, 2019 – The Return of the Snark

Friday, November 15, 2019 – The Return of the Snark

This is for the three of you of missed me. I apologize. I was taking an online course from The University of Legarthy. FYI – I made an A.

We are now at the point in the season of college football where each snap matters. Every touch of the football is critical. Each down is the “big play.” As I always state, this is about teams I like or teams that play teams I like. If you follow, Penn State, Michigan, Michigan State and/or Ohio State, find somebody who likes your teams.

So, this weekend, here is who I like and what I am thinking about each.

Alabama at Mississippi State at 11:00 on ESPN. See what happens when you lose a game. You get the awful 11:00 time slot. The cow bells are especially annoying at this hour.

Navy at ND 1:30 on NBC. Anchors Away! And take the weird leprechaun with you. RL, I shall await your weekly ND text.

THE University of Texas at Iowa State 2:30 on FS1. Even though Baylor students and faculty are turning the Brazos River into Holy Water for this weekend, do not look ahead. Else Bevo will be the cow in the Twister movie. The Cyclones are unpredictable.

Georgia and Auburn 2:30 on CBS. This is a keep the remote handy game with conference and bowl implications. The Snark crystal Bball says Georgia will be upset before the end of the season.

LSU and Ole Miss 6:00 on ESPN. Sweet memories of the Halloween Game of days gone by. Miss you Cousin Donnie Daye. And Cousin Penny too. Geaux Tigers!

Oklahoma at Baylor 6:30 on ABC. As mentioned, the Brazos River that runs by McLane Stadium is being filled with holy water in an effort to keep Baylor undefeated.  It is not like there have not been miracles on the Brazos in previous years.

ESPN Game Day will be broadcast from Waco. HWIT. This is a biggie. It is a huge game with Big 12 Conference titles and bowl game selections on line.

Fans are expected to start camping out around the stadium around 4:00 pm TODAY! The Home Depot Campus Cornhole Challenge is from 1:-30-3:30. I can’t wait until Cornhole becomes an NCAA sport.

The Snark’s crystal ball says Chip and Joanna will be guest pickers with food coming from their Magnolia Diner. The Magnolia Diner is where the original Elite on the Circle café was. If you have been to Waco and gone around “the circle” a few times, you know what I am talking about. I even have a button that says “I survived The Elite Circle.” Watch out Bears, you could get stuck in “the circle.”

With the remote firmly in hand to keep up with Baylor, naturally I shall be watching:

South Carolina at Texas A&M 6:30 on SECN. This is the last home game before Jimbo and the Ags go on the road again to Athens and Baton Rouge to close out the season.

The A&M fans will “pass it back” and will join the South Carolina fans by holding up three fingers in the third quarter to honor the life of Tyler Hilinski. Tyler is the late brother of South Carolina quarterback Ryan Hilinski. Tyler was also a Division I quarterback at Washington State. Tyler took his own life in January 2018. The family’s organization of Hilinski’s Hope calls attention to mental illness among athletes.

However, at the end of the Fourth Quarter the Aggies will

BTHO out of South Carolina. Gig ‘Em Aggies!

Tuesday, November 12, 2019 – Where Have You Gone, Joe Dimaggio?

Tuesday, November 12, 2019 – Where Have You Gone, Joe Dimaggio?

I know. I have not been to writing or thinking of anything lately. I actually had the old-fashioned croup! I started a new medicine a couple of weeks ago – eye drops of all things. It was last night as I was reading the “side effects may include” on the enclosed sheet of my new medicine that I read “may cause upper respiratory infections.” I suppose I should have read the possible side effects first. Anyhoo – I am no longer a cold medicine zombie.

I belong to one of those neighborhood apps. People post all kinds of things – lost pets, found pets, items for sale, suspicious crime activity (my fav), and requests for many items. Here is one from last week. Let’s hear it for autocorrect and proof reading.

Any spare demon jackets?

Hi there close and near by neighbors. I am currently trying to pick up a new hobby and it requires denim jackets. I am seeking used and old jackets. I’ve gone to thrift stores and resale shops but can’t find much. I don’t need to find brand new conditioned… I’ll accept old and used and any color.

Thank goodness the requestor clarified in the request. She did correct and update the post later.

I do not have any spare demon jackets. Heck, I do not even own a denim jacket. Stay warm.

Big Boy Steam Engine coming down the track in Navasota, Texas. November 8, 2019

 

Monday, October 21, 2019 – My Friday After Saturday College Football Awards

Monday, October 21, 2019 – My Friday After Saturday College Football Awards

We can beat around the bushes; we can get down to the bone
We can leave it in the parkin’ lot, but either way
There’s gonna be a heartache tonight, a heartache tonight I know

And was there ever a heartache for many teams this weekend.

Please form a line to the left because all teams are receiving a Poopy Undies Awards. Ugly games; Ugly wins; Ugly losses; ugly plays; ugly uniforms and ugly weather.

But the Grand Poopy Awards go to The University of Wisconsin for the last minute loss to Illinois. I would like to present the Fighting Illini, whatever an Illini is, The Colonel Henry Blake Award. It just proves that a team wearing ugly uniforms can win. Who caught the Henry Blake Award? Wisconsin 23 Illinois 24

The riders of the Sooner Schooner receive a Glad You Are OK Award. Watch out for those sharp turns. According to my sources, the last Schooner flip was in 1993 and something about the girl wearing no underwear. I was unaware that people from Oklahoma wore underwear at all. Meanwhile Jalen & Company’s OU wagons continue to roll merrily along. OU 52 – West Virginia 14

Receiving the Blowout in Your Drawers Awards are Missouri and THE University of Texas. Mr. Commodore upset Mr. Tiger if someone cares Vandy 20 – Missouri 14.

And Big Jay of the Kansas Jayhawks scared the cow poop out of Bevo. Kansas! Kansas scored 48 points. Kansas didn’t score 48 points in all of their last five games combined last year. I give the Ghosts of Football Past to the Texas defensive unit. Kansas 48 Texas 50.

If the Horns did not have Elinger, they would be number three in the Big 12. Oh wait, they are number three. And any team left can beat you, including the Bears of Baylor and you have to travel to Ames too. When was the last time Baylor was ranked ahead of the Horns in both the conference and the AP Polls? And the Bears put Holy Water in the Brazos on home game days, I am told.

The Bears of Baylor receive the John Deere Green Helmets Award for cool headwear. The Bears did spoil Oklahoma State’s Homecoming 47 to 27.

The Ain’t No Jalen or Sunshine When He’s Gone Award goes to Alabama for the loss of Tua. But the Tide still rolls 35 to 13 over Tennessee. Get well, Tua.

The Texas Aggies receive the Butt Ugly Award for a very ugly win in Oxford against Ole Miss. Where does fog originate in Oxford, Mississippi? TAMU 24 – Ole Miss 17

Speaking of butts, the best play of any football game this weekend goes to QB Joe Burrows of LSU and Mississippi State. Let’s all sing in Heisman award-winning harmony:

We saw your hiney; it was bright and shiney

It made us giggle when you wiggled.

Therefore, Joe and the LSU Tigers receive the Moon Over Mississippi State Award! Did you notice that Mr. Burrows showed his true, Southern gentlemanly character? He first took care of the football and then tried to pull up his pants. One must like a man that has his football priorities in order.

https://www.theadvocate.com/baton_rouge/sports/lsu/article_02829f9c-f2d9-11e9-b093-eb0c8798d2cc.html

LSU 36 Mississippi State 13

The worse, as in You Suck and SHAME ON YOU Award, goes to CBS for the broadcasting the incident in slow motion! Did Nessler and Danielson call this game? I am with the Baton Rouge Advocate – apologize to LSU and the rest of us for your lack of taste and poor announcing.

Of course the best play of the weekend was:

“Hello, I am Jose Altuve.” BOOM!

ASTROS ARE GOING TO THE WORLD SERIES!!!

Good bye, Hut’s. So sad to see you go.

Friday, October 17, 2019 – A Snarky Friday Drinking Game

Friday, October 17, 2019 – A Snarky Friday Drinking Game

Are you ready?

Hell Yeah. Damn right!

Hotty Toddy, Gosh Almighty

Who the Hell are we?

Bim Bam Flim Flam

Ole Miss by damn.

Since Texas A&M is travelling to Oxford to play the Ole Miss, today we snark with a toddy drinking game. Grab your favorite beverage and play along. For each incorrect answer, you must take a shot.

What is the name of the mascot for each college football team listed below?

Let us begin with a few easy ones. For example:

          Texas A&M – Reveille

          THE University of Texas – Bevo

Remember. Name the mascot; not the team.

  • Alabama – Big Al. It is the name of the anthropomorphic (dressed up college student) elephant. The homecoming queen used to ride in on an elephant. Some traditions need to be brought back. Drink up.
  • Georgia – UGA the bulldog. A very cool, live mascot, but drools.
  • LSU – Mike, the Tiger. How could you not know this? One of the most beautiful live mascots in football.
  • Mississippi State – Bully the bulldog. Very cool live mascot. Does he wear a cowbell around his neck?

LSU at Mississippi State at 2:30 on CBS.

  • Arkansas – Tusk. Big ugly, black hog.
  • Auburn – Aubie the Tiger. Anthropomorphic, fake Tiger. Aubie? What is the war eagle’s name? AubieBird? You didn’t know either one of those. Drink!

Auburn at Arkansas 11:00 SEC

  • Florida – Albert and Alberta Gator. Drink up. I know you did not know this one. I think they should be Mr. and Mrs. Choppers. Albert and Alberta are kinda cute anthropomorphic critters if you are into mascots that can kill you.

Florida at South Carolina at 11:00 on ESPN

Think you are doing well? Let’s move on. Hic!

  • Ole Miss – Tony the Land Shark. Drink up. You know you said Rebels. Tony the Land Shark became the Ole Miss mascot in August of 2018. It has to do with a former Ole Miss player who was an Iraqi veteran. I have no idea why it is a shark, especially since Oxford is almost in Tennessee.

Texas A&M at Ole Miss at 6:30 on SEC.

  • Tennessee – Smokey. A coon hound, but I’m sure he Volunteers for the honor.

Tennessee at Alabama 8:00 ESPN.

  •  Vanderbilt – Mr. Commodore. Really? Just Mr. Commodore? Not even Cornelius or Gloria? Maybe Stingy Railroad Tycoon was already taken.

 

  • Baylor – Judge Joy and Judge Lady. Did you know that in 1914 the choice of mascots was between “Bears” and “Bookworms? “In 1974, the student body voted to name all the bears “Judge” followed by a surname in honor of the university’s namesake, Judge R.E.B. Baylor. Baylor’s current mascots are “Joy,” named in honor of the wife of President Emeritus (and former Chancellor) Herbert H. Reynolds, and the newest mascot, “Lady” named after Sue Sloan, wife of then-President Dr. Robert B. Sloan Jr.
  • Oklahoma State –Pistol Pete. But did you know that Bullet is the name of the black quarter horse ridden prior to OSU home games?

Oklahoma State and Baylor 3:00 on Fox

  • Kansas – Big Jay. Sounds like a rapper.

Kansas at THE University of Texas at 6:00 on LHN.

  • OU – Boomer and Sooner. I think they are anthropomorphic horses.

OU and WVa at 11:00 on Fox

  • SMU – Peruna. Not a fake horse. The horse was named after a popular patent medicine made up of 18 % alcohol.
  • Texas Tech – The Masked Rider. I really think Tech should rethink the mascot thing. Red Raider, Masked Rider with Guns Up is a no. The Texas Tech Flying Tortillas has potential.
  • Ohio State – Brutus Buckey. But if you said Pot Leaves Helmet, at this point in the game, we’ll take it. Drink.
  • And last and least – Notre Dame – Leprechaun. Leprechaun? Saints preserve us. No name. Not even a Mr. Leprechaun? Not even a Saint Patrick? Or a Muffet? Just Leprechaun? If ND is the Fighting Irish, I think the mascot should be named the IRA or Sinn Fein. Just saying.

RL? Did you know those gold, faux halo helmets of ND are really painted with gold? 23/9 karat gold flake in the paint of every helmet. Sounds flakey to me.

How many drinks did you take? Can you say anthropomorphic?

BTHO OLE MISS

GO ASTROS! BRING IT!