Category Archives: humor

Friday, August 18, 2017 – Snarky Friday Football

Friday, August 18, 2017 – Snarky Friday Football

Before the Snark enters, let us all take a moment to send our thoughts and prayers to the people of Spain. Not to exclude any group, but please watch over the Texas Aggie Women’s basketball team and all of the other teams visiting Europe.

And now appearing in regal snarkiness, here is The Snark to dish on college football.

I can’t wait for the Ugliest Uniforms for the Week Award this year. Here is putting Mississippi State on notice that the Aggies will be wearing color changing uniforms. That’s right. It is some kind of weird threads that the Adidas people dreamed up that allegedly changes from maroon to black and then glows depending on the stadium lights. I hope this works better than last year’s attempt to make the numbers glow and no one, including the broadcasters could see the numbers.

But we are still 25 days away from some of the first kick offs. I am happy the Sam Houston Bearkats open their season this month. SHSU is ranked #3 behind James Madison and North Dakota in that division’s polls. JM and ND have combined to the win the last National Championships. Go Kats! Beat the hell out of the Richmond, Spiders. Yes, the mascot of Richmond is a spider.

Let The Snark provide a summer summary of players. Here is what has happened during college football thus far this summer. He:

Transferred to:

  • A Junior College
  • Another school to go to graduate school
  • The county jail.

He hurt his:

Leg, knee, foot, shoulder, toe etc.

He was picked up for:

  • DUI
  • Passed out in flower bed in bar district
  • Assault
  • Assault and battery
  • Assault with a battery
  • Theft
  • Drug use
  • Drug possession
  • Illegal weapon possession
  • Being stupid and throwing away opportunities!

My apologies that The Snark only has time to cover the summary of the players from Florida schools. Roll Tide over Florida State. BOOM! And Snark out!

Wednesday, August 16, 2017 – Our State Fair is a Great State Fair But the Food is High Suspect

Wednesday, August 16, 2017 – Our State Fair is a Great State Fair But the Food is High Suspect

Let’s take a break from the horrid world happenings and go to the State Fair.

Our State Fair is a great state fair Don’t Miss it don’t even be late (our state fair is great) It’s dollars to doughnuts at our state fair It’s the best state fair in the state!

https://youtu.be/VSKa29E4T7o

I am not sure what kind vehicle Pat Boone is driving in Rogers and Hammerstein’s musical State Fair. But Dallas to donuts he is obviously not going to the Texas State Fair because Texans don’t drive miniature cars.

The State Fair of Texas is held in Dallas and runs from September 29 through October 22.

Native Texan Birth Certificate; two pictures of Willie Nelson (He’s not dead), a Texas Flag and copy of Texas Monthly signed by Ann Richards, the last Democratic governor of Texas.

A tenet of state fairs is food or something that resembles food and is somewhat edible. So assemble your antacids, cholesterol meds, find the nearest toilet and let us see what frying at the State Fair of Texas.

The following lists the finalists for the State of Texas foods and my comments about each one with the overall questions of “why would you do this to ingredients?” and “why would you ingest this?”

  • Ranch Fried Texas Sheet Cake – how does Ranch Fried differ from Deep Fried? Is it fried in Ranch Valley Dressing or do you have to be on a ranch to fry it?
  • Deep Fried Chicken Noodle Soup on a Stick – I am unable to comprehend. Fried soup? And on a stick?
  • Deep Fried Froot (sic) Loops – was never a Fruit Loop fan; perhaps it is Froot. I do not know what a Froot is.
  • Funnel Cake Bacon Queso Burger – Bacon queso burger sounds ok, but in a funnel cake?
  • Gulf Coast Fish Bowl – A bowl of what from the Gulf Coast? Alligator gar?
  • Pinot Noir Popcorn – This is just wrong.
  • Fat Smooth – A Fat Smooth what?
  • Surfin-Turfin Tator Boat – has a nice rhythm – “surfin-turfin tator boat, doo dah, doo dah.” How exactly are surfin and turfin defined? Alligator and armadillo?
  • Texas Fajita Fries – This has potential.
  • The Tamale Donut – Why screw up two really good things?

As a Brazos Valley Girl (Remember Valley Girls?) “Gag me with a silver spoon.”

http://www.kvue.com/life/fried-texas-dirt-oreo-beer-among-semi-finalists-for-state-fair/460242389

Friday, August 11, 2017 – Snarky Football Friday

Friday, August 11, 2017 – Snarky Football Friday

In less than a month, Snarky Friday becomes official. Until college football kickoff we must deal with what little Snark information there is. But let us begin anyway.

Last year’s shrine for the Aggie Alabama game.

The college football polls are being released. I think the pollsters picked Alabama first, then some combination of Ohio State, Michigan, Clemson, Washington in the top five. The remaining twenty schools were names drawn from a helmet.

For example, listed in the top 25 centering on numbers 23, 24 or 25 depending on the poll, we have THE UNIVERSITY of Texas. I actually hope Herman and the Horns can make a good run. Amazing what hope a name and big bucks can bring. Reminder: Last year your record was 3-7 overall and 3-6 in the Big 12 Conference so it is going to require much work. May I reminder the Bevo Boosters that Number 1. You are in the Big 12 Conference with Kansas, Iowa State and Texas Tech. Obviously you have repressed those games. Maybe this game too.

Last year’s headlines – Oklahoma State vs THE University of Texas

Number 2 you must play Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, K-State and West Virginia who are all ranked above you. But Hook ‘Em Hippies. I guess it too early to say “Wait until next year” when it will be more realistic.

Ranking the Horns at Number 23 is as stupid as ranking the Aggies at number 25. All about that name, right? But at least the schools ahead of the Aggies are in the powerful SEC and one of them will win the SEC Championship and the Football National Championship. Roll Tide or Geaux Tigers and no, The Aggies are not interested in playing the Burnt Orange or any other color of orange for that matter. If the Aggies are going to have time run out before we can win, we like to have it happen with quality teams. Snark out.

Tailgating last year.

BTHO UCLA!

Thursday, August 10, 2017 – Fire and Fury and The Merry Little Minuet

Thursday, August 10, 2017 – Fire and Fury and The Merry Little Minuet

“For man’s been endowed with a mushroom shaped cloud…”

I am a Baby Boomer – One of those people whose birth falls between 1945 and 1950. We are the first generation to live under the threat of nuclear annihilation and the balancing act of nuclear proliferation.

In 1960 Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev banged his shoe on the podium at The United Nations and screamed “We will bury you.” I was eleven years old and I was scared.

1962 –United States’ President John F. Kennedy and Soviet leader, Khrushchev take us to the brink of nuclear war over the missiles in Cuba. I was thirteen years old and scared.

1967 – My friends went to Vietnam. I was eighteen years old and scared.

1968 – We, the People, said enough of oppressions and there riots in the streets across America. I was nineteen and scared.

1968 – I voted for the first time in the U S Presidential election. I never voted that way again. I got scared.

2017 – Today the POTUS tweets threats of nuclear war to North Korea at 3:00 AM. I am sixty-eight years old and I am not scared to say it, “Get this idiot impeached and removed.” Repeal and replace this disaster. If not …

“For we know for certain that some lovely day, someone will set the spark off and we will all be blown away.”

The Kingston Trio singing Tom Lehrer’s The Merry Little Minuet.

https://youtu.be/CGsY4vBYdYM

 

 

Wednesday, August 9, 2017 – Back to the Future Again

Wednesday, August 9, 2017 – Back to the Future Again or History the Way it Should be Taught

I received a great compliment the other day. A dear friend said, “I would love to have taken a history class from you.” Yes, you probably would. Ask all those fabulous J. L McCullough High School students in the late 70’s and early 80’s. They had the best and brightest history and government teachers Conroe ISD had to offer. Take that CHS!

Here is what I am thinking my history class might hear today.

Good Morning,

Is Stephanie on her way to class? Or will she be virtual presence? Good, here she is.

You need your device. I hope they are charged but if not, move to one of the charging stations in the back. Remember to charge! An uncharged device is like The Charge of the Light Brigade and you know what happened to them.

Open your folder and click on the link I sent you just now.

Screen One

Listed below are three historical events. Your assignment is to relate each of these three past events to the current events today in as many ways as you can think of. You may work alone or form a group not to exceed four.

Your assessment will be a presentation of how you chose to relate the events and how many relationships you can make. Alabama is going to be tough but it is there. No, I do not think it is the football team, but if you can find a relationship, then go for it.

You may choose any presentation method, including but not limited to: essay, charts/graphs, poetry, artwork, music, movie, theatre (a play), or a combination of methods.

Upload your presentation to your folder on Electronic Homework. Your final presentation is due at 11:59 PM, August 9, 2017.

Screen Two

  1. Seventy-two (72) years ago, August 9, 1945, the United States dropped a second atomic bomb on Nagasaki, Japan.
  2. Forty-three (43) years ago, August 9, 1974, the following letter was sent to Secretary of State Henry Kissinger. It read:

“I hereby resign the office of President of the United States.

Sincerely, Richard M. Nixon.”

  1. “Who’s Next?” By Tom Leher That Was the Year That Was Album 1965

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oRLON3ddZIw

Let me know if you have questions.

Friday, August 4, 2017 – Everything’s Coming Up Football – IT’S TODAY!!!

Friday, August 4, 2017 – Everything’s Coming Up Football – IT’S TODAY!!!

College football season officially begins today as teams begin practice. I am so excited I am going to get a penalty for excess celebration. I chose a song to celebrate.

The version of the song is sung by Tony Award winner,Patti LuPone, from the 2008 Broadway revival of Gypsy. In fact her second Tony Award was for Gypsy.

There is not a great deal of action in the video. Rather it is Ms. LuPone’s powerful voice that captures the moment. Click on the YouTube and scroll down and sing along. I took the liberty of changing a few words here and there.

https://youtu.be/Wop8yyVcgY8

I had a dream, a dream about you, baby. It’s gonna come true, baby. They think that we’re through, but baby…

You’ll be swell! You’ll be great! Gonna have the whole world on the TV! Starting here, starting now, Honey, everything’s coming up football!

Clear the fields! Check the refs! You’ve got nothing to do but relax.

Gig ‘Em Ags!

Roll Tide Roll! Honey, everything’s coming up football!

Now’s your timing; Stand the world on it’s ear! Set it spinning! That’ll be just the beginning!

Sic ‘Em Bears! Go Pokes Go! You got nothing to fear but OU!

You’ll be swell. You’ll be great. I can tell. Just you wait. That lucky star I talk about is due! Honey, everything’s coming up football for me and for you!

You can do it. All you need is a band. We can do it, Twelfth Man is gonna see to it!

LSU!

 

Hook ‘Em Horns! We got nothing to hit but the heights! I can tell, wait and see. There’s the bell! Follow me!

And nothing’s gonna stop us ’til we’re through! Honey, everything’s coming up football and trophies,Everything’s coming up sunshine and Saturdays, Everything’s gonna be bright lights and bowl games,

Everything’s coming up football for me and for you!

Thursday, August 3, 2017 – The Miller’s Tale

Thursday, August 3, 2017 – The Miller’s Tale

Dear Mr. Stephen Miller,

This is a photograph of my great grandfather and the origin of the Duffey line – J.W. Duffey. He was probably about 40 years old in the photograph.

According to the proposed immigration rules, he would not be allowed to enter the United States today. He was only 12 years of age when he and his two brothers and mother and father came to America in 1848. He had no skills and did not speak English. He was 12!

His family – aka MY family – came to America from Ireland – County Cork to be precise. It seems in 1848 there was this agricultural blight called The Potato Famine. Perhaps you have heard of it. There was literally no food and hundreds of thousands starved to death. The British government’s policy was “Let the Irish starve.”

I suppose the family decided not to go to the continent of Europe. Almost every country was embroiled in revolutions and rebellions of people trying to persecute and oppress groups of people they didn’t like and other groups called The Resistance. For example, that Otto von Bismark guy was strutting around scaring France and then he united a bunch of little states in what would become Germany. Troubled times. So the next option was America. People immigrated there because it offered FREEDOM. Perhaps you have heard of it too, Mr. Miller.

However, J.W. Duffey would become a blacksmith and serve in The War Between the States in such a capacity, achieving the rank of Sgt. He would receive an honorable discharge from the Confederate Army. He used those smithy skills to build the railroads of Alabama and Mississippi before settling in Louisiana where he ran a livery stable.  Just below his name on his headstone it reads “Born in Ireland.”

GGGrandfather would marry and raise several children, one of whom became my grandfather. Both of GGrandfather’s children, one of whom became my father graduated from high school, when only 8% of the entire US population did. My father would graduate from Miss Lynn’s Business College and become a bookkeeper.

 

Then came the rest of J. W. Duffey’s heirs four and five generations later. We all graduated from college – good ones too! We became doctors, lawyers, social workers, business owners, business leaders, accountants, teachers, mothers, fathers, civic leaders and a couple of the heirs even like horses and that blacksmith stuff.

Mr. Miller, I would hate to think what would have happened in 1848 if that12 year boy and his family were not allowed to come to America.

Enough about my family coming to America, Mr. Miller. How about your family? Please know I signed you up withAncestry.com. so you can determine how, when and why your family arrived in America. Miller? I betting the name is English as in white, male and protestant. Your ancestors probably said “Let the Irish starve.”

Statue of Liberty, 1986. Photo by me.

Sincerely yours,

The proud heir of an Irish immigrant.

PS – Mr. Miller if you wear a pink bow tie, you really will look like Pee Wee Herman.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017 – What a Dump? Beyond the Forest

Wednesday, August 2, 2017 – What a Dump? Beyond the Forest

Let’s play Jeopardy! The categories are:

Movie and History Trivia, The United States Constitution, Impeach and Remove, Golf Etiquette and finally Dumb Ass Statements by the POTUS.

I’ll take Movie and History trivia for $1000, please Alex.

A Daily Double!

Let’s make it true Daily Double and risk it all.

The answer is:

Beyond the Forest

Answer: From what movie is the line ‘what a dump’?

Correct: This line is spoken by Rosa Moline (played by Bette Davis) in the film Beyond the Forest, directed by King Vidor (1949).

Next question: For the jeopardy of the country, the answer is:

Donald Trump

Answer: Who said the same line and called The White House a dump?

That is correct.

———

Too bad the DJT’s Presidency did not come with a warning like Beyond the Forest did.

The movie Beyond the Forest comes with a warning in the first few seconds: “This is the story of evil. Evil is headstrong, is puffed up.”

Tuesday, August 1, 2017 – Without Cognitive Content

Tuesday, August 1, 2017 – Without Cognitive Content

Good Morning, Class,

Our vocabulary word for today is “anoesis.” It is a noun that means a state of mind consisting of pure sensation or emotion without cognitive content. See also, White House Communications Office.

USS Trump Administration

Friday, July 28, 2017 – Snarky Friday – the last Friday of July. The Return of College Football – Please Hurry!

Friday, July 28, 2017 – Snarky Friday – the last Friday of July. The Return of College Football – Please Hurry!

Tomorrow is another Saturday with no college football.I am beginning to worry about myself. I hope I can make it. The withdrawal symptoms are serious. At least in February there was basketball,

 

Two Texas A&M Graduates and One Outstanding basketball player – Curtyce Knox.

then baseball and softball to get me through the spring. But the summer months have been brutal.

 

For the past two months on Saturday nights I have watched the entire season of National Geographic’s Big Pacific on the PBS Channel. The PBS CHANNEL! Last Saturday’s Season Finale was called “Big Pacific – Reproduction.”

About midway through the hour of underwater wonder, I thought to myself – I am watching fish fornicate. I know there is a better alliteration, but I’m trying to keep it clean. I am watching fish porn. I am pitiful.

How many more days until kick off?