Category Archives: humor

Friday, December 14, 2018 – Where Have You Gone Joe DiMaggio?

Friday, December 14, 2018 – Where Have You Gone Joe DiMaggio?

Oops. Wrong sport. Where have you gone Snarky Football Friday?

It is difficult to snark about college football when no games are being played. But tomorrow kicks off the Bowl Games. Here’s a quick reminder to assist you in your viewing of the increasingly growing number of college bowl games with stupid names. The further away from New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day the game is, the crappier the teams and games. In fact, some of these should be called Bowel Games. But hey it’s football.

Tomorrow we begin with the New Mexico Bowl Game between Utah State and North Texas on ESPN at 1:00. This is Utah State University whose mascot is Big Blue and not the Utes or the Cougars from BYU. I actually thought Big Blue was Michigan, but maybe Joseph or Brigham took the name with them. Big Blue is one of those anthropomorphic mascots (i.e. a person in a costume). At one time the university actually had a real live bull that was painted blue. But I think the Donner Party ate it. In spite of Utah State being a land grant school and thus Aggies, I’m going with Eagles of UNT.

In an instate battle between Louisiana schools we have the Autonation Cure Bowl between Tulane and Louisiana at 12:30 on CBSSN. The Green Wave versus Ragin Cajuns. This is being played in Camping World Stadium, but it is in Orlando Florida. However, I do not like to camp and watch football. I do like the name of this bowl – the Autonation Cure. Because I think the nation definitely needs some curing so I hope this helps.

In the Mitsubishi Motors Las Vegas Bowl we find Arizona State (no that is not Sumlin’s school) and Fresno State 2:30 ABC. Should be colorful costumes and/or uniforms.

Raycon Media Camellia Bowl Georgia Southern State University and Eastern Michigan University at 4:30 on ESPN. HWIT – PETA should be alerted because this means GASO versus EMU so it sounds like the emus are in danger of being gassed. Also, I Googled Raycom and only found headphones/earbuds. So I do not know why there a football bowl game named after headphones and the wife of Prince Charles’ of England.

At 8:00 on ESPN we have Middle Tennessee and Appalachian State in the R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl. I don’t what the R+L Carriers carry, but who cares? The game is in New Orleans. We can all have gumbo and cocktails and pretend we are in NOLA!

There are more bowl games next week. I must research the Cheribundi Boca Raton Bowl. Cheribundi? Is this Al Bundy’s sister? Perhaps it is similar to Cowabunga from the old Tarzan films.

Happy weekend. Stay warm.

Wednesday, November 28, 2018 – Renew the Rivalry?

Wednesday, November 28, 2018 – Renew the Rivalry?

Renew the Rivalry between Texas A&M and THE University of Texas by LAW. WHAT?

State Representative and Aggie, Lyle Larson, filed HB 412 for the 86th Texas Legislature that requires the two universities to schedule an annual nonconference football game the fourth Thursday, Friday of Saturday of November.

HWIT – Waste of paper; waste of time; and LSU and the SEC may have plenty to say about that date.

I would not be opposed to a game at a neutral site. Jerry World would probably like to host it. It would be good for recruiting, but I do not think legislation is needed to make it happen.

It seems that Alabama and Auburn did not play one another for decades due to contract disputes. It seemed to work out ok for both of those schools. Representative Larson wants to avoid such a situation. HWIT, I would rather not play THE University of Texas ever again if it meant the Texas Aggies would take over as annual number one with multiple national championships.

Monday, November 26, 2018 – My Monday After College Football Awards – Week Thirteen

Monday, November 26, 2018 – My Monday After College Football Awards – Week Thirteen

Big scores; ugly helmets, home cooking and more. Let’s move the chains down the sideline and hand out my Monday after college football awards.

Washington 28 Washington State 15 – Both teams receive The Snow Globe Award. I award Mike Leach and the Washington State team The Frozen Award as we sing “Let it go.”

Penn State 38 and Maryland 3 – The Always A Contender for Ugly Helmet Award goes to Maryland. Can there possibly be a football helmet as ugly? Penn State says yes – Ohio State.

Michigan 39 Ohio State 62 – So another Ugly Helmet Award goes to the Buckeyes of Ohio State for their pot leaf helmets. I award Michigan the Where’s Waldo Wolverine Award. Did the real team miss the bus?

Clemson 56 South Carolina 35 – Clemson wins the Palmetto Trophy. Uncle Will Muschamp better get the Gamecocks winning. He wins The Coach’s Hot Seat for 2019.

Alabama 52 Auburn 21 – Alabama wins the Tina Turner Award as they continue Rolling Down the River!

To the Big 12

Baylor 35 Texas Tech 24 – Kliff Kingsbury receives the Mac Davis Award because Kliff will be seeing Lubbock in his review mirror.

Oklahoma West Virginia 59-56 – I award The Aerial Heisman Display Award to both teams. Also both teams receive the You Just Thought You Scored a lot of Points Awards

Texas 24 Kansas 17 – I award THE University of Texas the Back to the Big 12 Championship Award. Enjoy your Hat Trophy, because the Big 12 One goes back to Oklahoma next Saturday. To the Kansas Jayhawks I award the Robert Frost Award because you have Miles to go before you sleep with a football trophy.

Let’s see. It seems I am leaving a game out. What game would that be?

LSU 72 Texas A&M 74 7 OT

Load up the trailers and tote off the awards. Seven Overtimes!

Miss Reveille as the Aggies take the field. She usually doesn’t bark. She must have known something.

To the LSU Tigers and the Texas Aggies I award the following:

  • Great Game Award
  • Poopy Undies Award
  • Pepto Bismal Award for upset as in the game, the LSU fans, my stomach.
  • Manicure Award for a nail biter
  • Unbelievable Stamina Award – this award goes to the teams, coaches and fans.
  • Neither Team Should Have Lost Award
  • Unbelievable Game Awards
  • Great Plays Awards
  • Great Coaching Awards
  • One for the Record Books
  • Epic Game Award
  • It’s a Rivalry Now Award
  • Lastly – I award the Referees at Kyle Field the Home Cooking Award. Sometimes it’s hard to see out of bounds on the home field.

The Bowl Projections are out. Here is a bowl game I would NOT like to see.

Oregon in their bright, yellow, banana, high liter uniforms, playing Washington State in all red uniforms on the Boise State blue field. It could be called The Primary Colors Bowl.

Friday, November 23, 2018 – The College Football Snark – Week 13- The Rivalry Games – 23 YEARS

Friday, November 23, 2018 – The College Football Snark – Week 13- The Rivalry Games – 23 YEARS!

I know. The Snark gets a five yard penalty for delay of writing. But it was critical that I participate in the Annual Day After Thanksgiving Day Tradition in Texas. That means greasy, cheesy, Mexican food. Then I had to take a siesta.

I do hope you had a nice Thanksgiving. I fell asleep before I could see the all-out brawl between Mississippi State and Ole Miss. Granted it was only 8:00, but fermented Chardonnay grapes in liquid form make me sleepy. Nice job Mississippi State for winning the game. I did not see who won the brawl.

Because I was late, I was not able to snark appropriately on THE University of Texas. Who plays an 11:00 game on the Friday after Thanksgiving? Here’s what I’m thinking. Kansas? Kansas is your big Thanksgiving Day game now? Bet you miss us Aggies now, huh? The Horns will play for The Big 12 Title against the winner of Oklahoma and West Virginia. Remember, you are playing for the Big 12 Championship and to avoid The Alamo Bowl.

The contest between OU and West Virginia is tonight in Morgantown and on ESPN at 7:00. The Sooners want a redemption game against Texas. Texas wants a second chance at the Mountaineers. Therefore, lock up the women and children and the old sofas. I do not think the sofas will burn but one must be prepared.

It is called rivalry weekend because the games are traditionally played between the State University and the Land Grant University of each state.

In the Apple Bowl on Fox at 7:30 between the rival schools in Washington. Washington Huskies and Washington State. Let’s let Mikey do it.

On Saturday at 11:00 on Fox we have #4 Michigan and #10 Ohio State. I do not have a name for this contest, so I’m going to call it The Kathy Day Game for the only person I know from Ohio. This is a classic, long-time rivalry that goes back to 1897. Current Head Coach for OSU, Urban Meyer is 6-0 against Michigan. Does Urban have a brother named Rural?

Florida and Florida State also plays at 11:00. Does anyone really care?

At 2:30 on CBS, we have Auburn and Alabama in the Iron Bowl. Although a better name for Auburn might be The Rusted Iron Bowl. Roll Tide.

South Carolina is at Clemson for The Championship of South Carolina.

Tennessee and Vanderbilt play for The Championship of Tennessee.

And now! The game. A clash two land grants. Let us begin where I left off yesterday.

“Dear Lord, It has been 23 years since the Aggies beat LSU in football. TWENTY-THREE YEARS! George H.W.Bush was the president of The United States. Daddy Bush! The World Wide Web on the Internet was only a year old!

Lord, bless the Fort Worth Times sports writer who wrote “that if the Aggies do not beat LSU, it will expose Jimbo Fisher as a fraud. The Aggies will be the same old Ags, as coached by all the others to a mediocre season.” Bless me, Lord and please keep me from firing off a hateful letter to the reporter, verbally kicking his ass and calling him “probably a graduate of TU.”

I do understand that the contest between Texas A&M and LSU cannot be referred to as a Rivalry Game because one team has to beat the other on to get a rivalry started. Let’s get this rivalry started and BTHO LSU!

So, Lord, if you could see your way to not letting time run out before the Aggies can win it would really be appreciated.

A reminder to out of state guests – Texas does not sell liquor on Sundays. Beer and wine can be purchased at 12:00.

Tuesday, November 20, 2018 – A Holiday Poem

Tuesday, November 20, 2018 – A Holiday Poem

As we began our holiday seasons, let us be thankful for so many things in our lives. To celebrate I have composed a commercialized poem.

A Holiday Poem

Poems are made by fools like me

But only Target can make me a tree!

And for only $20

Monday, November 19, 2018 – My Monday After College Football Awards – Week 12

Monday, November 19, 2018 – My Monday After College Football Awards – Week 12

In what was thought initially to be a cupcake, visitors’ big money gate receipt, let the benchwarmers play weekend of football turned out to be anything but. There were lots of butts shown this unpredictable weekend.

But let’s begin with The Winner, Winner Chicken Dinner Award. There are two of these.

One award goes to The Campus of The Citadel – The Military College of South Carolina. Granted when the Alabama Tri Delta football team ended the second quarter, the real Alabama team scored forty more points in the second half for half of a 100. But holding Bama to a 10-10 tie at half-time should count as a win against The Tide. There is probably a reason that one out of three graduates of The Citadel becomes a military officer. There is probably a statistic that says one in three Alabama football players go professional.

The second Winner Award goes to the Kansas Jayhawks for scoring 40 points against the Sooners of Oklahoma. Again, the scoreboard differed, but 40 points for Kansas when not playing basketball is great. A question I want to know of the Jayhawks is this – is there grass for Les Miles to eat in Kansas or just wheat?

The OMG and Poopy Undies Awards go to Ohio State University.

Maryland gets The Carnival Barker Award for “close, but no cigar.” One used to win cigars at carnivals. Hence, when one missed the barker said “close, but no cigar.”

I am awarding Oklahoma State the Spoiled Milk Award for upsetting West Virginia and allowing THE University of Texas to share a portion of the Big 12 Championship.

In THE University of Texas and Iowa State game, I really thought the Cyclones would do better against Texas. But I was reminded cyclones are in the Pacific. I vote to change Iowa State’s mascot to Trailer Eating Tornadoes or Devastating Hurricanes. I think either one of those names will fit in better in the other Big 12 schools – all ten of the Big 12.

Maybe the win will elevate the Horns to something more than the Alamo Bowl or the Independence Bowl. You Horns have Kansas on Friday, Turkey Hang Over Day. Remember the Jayhawks scored 40 points against Oklahoma. Just saying…

There are too many to count awards for Home Cooking given to the referees. There were many calls that favored the home team, but let’s give refs one for the illegal motion called on The Citadel that cost field goal yardage. It seemed to me that Alabama got an extra second off the play clock before the yellow flag was thrown. Of course in Alabama people are genetically disposed to fry all foods. The Citadel was only one team who was fried by the refs.

In a really good game between The University of Alabama at Birmingham and Texas A&M – I award The Texas Aggies the Scoop and Swoop award (Sorry Adidas) for recovering the fumbled kickoff and scoring a touchdown. Of course, I must give my boyfriend, Trayveon some love for his touchdowns.

I am going to give A&M a Winner Award too for beating Alabama – Even though it was Alabama Lite.

NOOOO – Say it ain’t so. The Aggies are favored against LSU next week? Lee Corsehead will try to pet Reveille again and the Aggies will lose for sure. But, it’s Kyle Field and the 12Th Man. We Aggies do want the fans from LSU to feel welcomed and safe. Therefore, be sure to check out the Aggie Uber pick up truck. I feel certain there is a substantial discount if you ride in the bed of the truck.

BTHO LSU!

Friday, November 16, 2018 – The Football Snark – Week 12

Friday, November 16, 2018 – The Football Snark – Week 12

The Snark receives a five yard penalty for delay of blog. But let’s see what I will be watching this Saturday.

At 11:00 on the SECN we find the Tide of #1 Alabama playing the Bulldogs of The Campus of The Citadel: The Military College of South Carolina. That is a long official title, but it is The Citadel and the alma mater to many very smart leaders of history. Alabama uses short, four letter words like Roll, Tide, and Nick. Unlike Alabama one does not attend The Citadel to play athletics.

Also at 11:00 AM on the banks of the Brazos in Waco we find the TCU Horned Frogs versus the Baylor Bears on FS1 in what should be a game exciting as watching paint dry. But there is an intense rivalry between these two so who knows what will happen.

The 2:30 afternoon game promises to be a good one between West Virginia and Oklahoma State on ABC. Those paddles in Daddy Boone Stadium will drive one crazy. Pistol Pete and the paddles can spoil a good couch burning.

Even though LSU will probably put the third and fourth string players in the second quarter, and put the cheerleaders in the second half, I still like the Rice at LSU contest on ESPNU 6:30. I have great memories as a child of going to the old Rice Stadium for this game. I still remember the first yell I heard at a football game between the Owls and Tigers. It went like this “What comes out of a Chinaman’s ass? RICE! RICE! RICE! Hey, it was in the 1950’s!

My runner-up game of the week is Iowa State and THE University of Texas 7:00 on LHN. There is a Texas Tornado coming and I do not mean the singing group called Texas Tornados. The weather pattern mascot could spoil Bevo’s chances for something better than The Alamo Bowl.

Of course my game of the week is between UAB and Texas A&M 6:00 on ESPN2. Like everyone else I had to Google UAB to find out it stands for University of Alabama at Birmingham. Up from Division III in the mid-nineties, UAB administration discontinued the football program in 2014 due to finances and then revived it in 2017.

Now the UAB leads their conference and are undefeated. I am sure the $1.6 million the school will take home from Kyle Field – win or lose – will go a long way. Note: the reason I am telling you this is because I am sure you will hear it pretty much during the first half of the game – depending on the verbose mouths in the press box.

The UAB is mascot is The Blazers, as in the Marching Blazer Band. Do you suppose the band uniforms are blazers? The emblem is a European dragon.

Since the dragon is of European origin, I believe this refers to Hogwarts and Harry Potter. Don’t ask me. I have no clue how coats and jackets and dragons all come together. The school is in Alabama. Go figure. However, I think the dragon should have on blazer. Yes, the dragon’s name is Blaze.

I think it would be funny if the student section of Kyle Field all wore blazers. No, wait. That sounds like something Texas Tech would do. It would be funny to see Reveille wearing a blazer. Never mind. I hope your team wins.

BTHO UAB!

Thursday, November 15, 2018 – Ring! Ring! Hello?

Thursday, November 15, 2018 – Ring! Ring! Hello?

Question? Why is a Texas Aggie’s hand like a lemon pie?

Answer: Because it has ma rang on it.

And I my hand does have my Aggie ring on it. I could also wear rings from Stephen F. Austin and Sam Houston. The Universities – not the actual people. I was not acquainted with either.

The ring ceremony at SFA is called The Big Dip. Participants receive their ring then dip their right hand into a vat of water colored with purple dye. The water comes from the SFA Fountain. I did not realize fountain the SFA waters were that special. In fact, I do not even remember an SFA Fountain. Supposedly, the purple dye fades after several days, but the ring and you’re your memories stay forever. Oh futures, bright with hands purple and white…

I was unable to find a great deal of information regarding the ring ceremony at Sam Houston State. I did read that “your ring must be ordered in time to spend the night at Sam Houston State prior to the ring ceremony.” Maybe there is a Giant Dip and all of the rings are dipped into a vat of orange dye. Maybe the rings spend the night at Sam Houston’s grave.

There is an official ring ceremony at Texas A&M University. Of course, the original (and best) unofficial ring ceremony belongs to Texas A&M. While at the local intellectual salon, The Dixie Chicken, the ring is placed into a vat of beer and one chugs the beer and tries not to swallow their newly purchased ring.

Photo by me

My official ring ceremony consisted of me going to the Post Office and picking up my ring. I have never had an unofficial ring ceremony at The Dixie Chicken or anywhere else. Perhaps, I need to Uber a select group of friends and head down to The Chicken. I’m sure my friends will go for that much quicker than watching me dip my hand in purple dye.

Wednesday, November 07, 2018 – Calling All Grammarians

Wednesday, November 07, 2018 – Calling All Grammarians

I have watched TV game shows since there was TV. This is from one called America Says. Contests try to fill in the blanks for points.

Obviously what America Says is not what American can spell.

Don’t you just hate it when those bookstores are not stationary and keep moving? I know I do.

Your mnemonic device – Stationery with an E as in paper. Stationary with an A as in place.

Monday, November 5, 2018 – My Monday After College Football Awards – Week Whatever

Monday, November 5, 2018 – My Monday After College Football Awards – Week Whatever

There are four teams receiving awards this Monday as we anxiously await our rankings and our crappy bowl assignments.

Oklahoma State University

THE University of Texas at Austin

Louisiana State University

Texas A&M University

Here is a YouTube that is representative  of me, my family and friends and all the fans from the four schools listed watching our schools’ football games Saturday.

PS – Those are NOT the Aggie Yell leaders.  HEE-HAW!