Category Archives: humor

Tuesday, June 12, 2018 – Star Trek and the CWS From The Bridge

Tuesday, June 12, 2018 – Star Trek and the CWS From The Bridge

Captain’s Log – Star Date – 06.12.2018 – From the bridge of the USS My House

It arrived this morning! A piece of furniture that can charge my cell phone, tablet and laptop – all at the same time. Can you believe – furniture that plugs into the wall. It has a wireless switch over in the event the electricity goes out.

Please know that between this high tech love seat and my new high tech bed that I may never leave my house again. Also because after purchasing these two items I have no funds to go anywhere.

This weekend, from one of these vantage points, I will watch the College World Series – also known as The SEC Conference versus the Big 12 Conference with a few other schools thrown in to round out the bracket.

So who will I root, root, root for this weekend from reclines of the techno furniture? This is the final series I would like to see. THE University of Texas versus Mississippi State! If the Texas Aggies are not playing, then I’m going with the other SEC team of maroon and white and with a dog mascot. GO STATE!

Monday, June 11, 2018 – Peace in Our Time

Monday, June 11, 2018 – Peace in Our Time

For historians only:

“Good job, well done, Neville Chamberlain;

Diplomacy wins again;” 1939

“Good job, well done, Dennis Rodman

Diplomacy wins again.” 2018

ttps://youtu.be/OI_OSQ9BDkk

Saturday, June 2, 2018 – Saw Varsity’s Horns Off!

Saturday, June 2, 2018 – Saw Varsity’s Horns Off!

BTHO TU!

 

Tuesday, May 29, 2018 – Calling All Bibliophiles and Especially Librarians, Literature and History Teachers.

Tuesday, May 29, 2018 – Calling All Bibliophiles and Especially Librarians, Literature and History Teachers.

Get those readers on and the bifocals focusing. Activate those library cards! It is time for the Great American Read!

http://www.pbs.org/the-great-american-read/home/

The Late Buddy T. Cat.

On May 22, PBS showed the first of an eight-part series exploring and celebrating the power of reading. The Great American Read is 100 best-loved novels chosen in a national survey. It explores what these 100 books say about our great diversity and the human experience we share.

The genres displayed are as varied as readers are. The books are children’s and young adult books, science fiction novels, dystopian worlds, banned books, Pulitzer Prize winners, books by women who had to use their initials to get published, the classics you read in high school and college and just about every book you meant to read at some point.

These are the books that made a significant difference in your life. One is urged to reread some of the books based when you read it high school or college and compare to what you know and have experienced now.

And we get to vote on our favorites. While one only gets to vote once per day, you can vote for as many books as you desire until the end of summer. The finale will air with the number one selected book.

You can also download the list and check those you have read and determine those you will read next.

I thought I was pretty well read, but I have only read 45 of the books listed. I bought five on the list today. My goal is have read 50% of the list by the end of summer. Hint: Start with the juvenile fiction; they are short.

I have already selected the book that I think will be the most powerful book on the list. I am not giving the title, because I have more to read, but unless my bookmarks get blown away, I have chosen my book.

And before I close this chapter, let me rant momentarily.

Whoever thought Fifty Shade of Grey should be on this list should have to read War and Peace twice for punishment. Tell me how this POS and waste of trees made the list and The Good Earth by Pearl S. Buck did not!

Happy Reading.

http://www.pbs.org/the-great-american-read/home/

 

Friday, May 25, 2018 – Friday Musings

I am so glad I took that CPR and stop the bleeding class. (See yesterday) Unfortunately, one cannot administer self CPR. I needed to do so last evening with the Texas Aggies baseball team and the Houston Rockets. Both games were thrillers, but the Ags and Rockets pulled out victories. The Rockets’ victory may have been a pyrrhic one. Chris Paul grabbing his hamstring was not good.

Also, in the unfortunate world of sports, I was not able to stop the bleeding the Texas Aggie softball game against Florida.

The Aggies led 4-2 going into the Florida bottom of the ninth and WALK IN the winning run. I would rather lose by the run rule. Oh well, new day, new opportunity.

There may not be much SEC baseball or Super Regional Softball in the Alabama or Florida this weekend. There is a 90% chance a tropical storm this weekend.

In other news you don’t care about, I bought a new bed and mattress. It has an adjustable base. That means one can raise the head and/or the feet. Doesn’t adjustable base sound better than “oh, like a hospital bed” as my family described it.

It also features head/neck, lumbar and leg massage – not like that cheap motel massaging bed that used to cost a quarter. The bed comes with a remote control and is wireless. I love it and it truly has made a difference in a restful sleep. However, here is an issue.

The other night I am blissfully asleep when Peach the cat jumps into the bed and hits the remote. The bed starts vibrating and I don’t know if Texas is having a fracking earthquake or I am about to be swallowed into a sink hole. I wake and of course cannot find the damn remote. Meanwhile the cat is asleep at the end of the bed enjoying a massage.

Of course, it is Memorial Day weekend. Please remember the sacrifice of those who served and especially those who gave the greatest sacrifice.

BTHO FLORIDA! And BTHO TBD. However, I am afraid there may be a Tiger waiting. A Tiger with purple and gold stripes.

Monday, May 14, 2018 – Your Thesis Defense Is Too Short

Monday, May 14, 2018 – Your Thesis Defense Is Too Short

I hope you had a wonderful Mother’s Day. I only received text greetings from the former meth head that cleans my house once a month. It was group text of about 20. So that left 19 people with phone numbers I did not know. I am thinking of a will change.

But there is no such day for Aunts so moving on. Did you see where the student at Cornell defended her Master’s thesis in her underwear? It seems that during her practice presentation her female professor told her that “her shorts were too short.” So in protest at her actual defense she took off her clothes and did her presentation in her underwear AND videoed it and broadcast it live on Facebook.

https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/student-presents-thesis-underwear-professor-193200885.html

Here’s what I’m thinking. You lost me at shorts of any length. Why were you even wearing shorts for a presentation? Unless, you are a sports, athletic, kinesiology major, you do not wear shorts to professionally present to your professors. (I know I split my infinitive.) Even then shorts would be pretty dicey.

I had to borrow clothes to defend my dissertation, but I still wore professional dress. Thank you, Ann C.

I am also thinking what Frank Clark (RIP) and Jon Denton’s faces would have looked like in 1985 if I took off my borrowed clothes and defended in my bra and panties. I know that these two served as chairs of many of my friend’s committees so you can imagine also. I will laugh the rest of the day thinking about this.

Finally, to the student. Is this really the sword of protest you want to fall on? (Correct syntax: “on which you want to fall”). Cornell University will have to add a paragraph to the graduate catalog that reads “All thesis and dissertation defense presentations must be done in clothes that are not considered underwear. In addition shorts of any length may not be worn during the practice or the real deal.”

This is short enough for today. I am wearing appropriate length shorts, but do not have to defend anything today except a golf swing.

I do not know if the girl passed her thesis defense or not.

From the George H. W. Bush Museum and Library

Friday, May 11, 2018 – Pomp and Circumstance and My Graduation Speech

Friday, May 11, 2018 – Pomp and Circumstance and My Graduation Speech

Thank you, President of My Pretend University. It is an honor and pleasure to speak to you today. Besides, I come from a family who enjoys wearing a cap and gown and listening to boring speakers providing platitudes of promise and hope. I was hoping to get to wear a big necklace or carry banner or something, but it is ok.

Graduates, this is my message to you this May of 2018.

Enjoy the song now because this is probably the last pomp you will get because the circumstances of life kick in as soon as you take off that cap and gown. Sidebar: It is actually called Academic Dress and the head dress is often called a Mortar Board. The bunch of strings on the side is called the tassels and the side on which the tassels hang is dependent on your degree. Advanced degrees usually have tassels on the left and then move to the right side while the opposite is true for undergraduates.

I graduated from college in 1971. There was a crooked, cray cray man in the White House as president. The country was involved in an unpopular war in Vietnam. The Middle East was about to blow up the world. The people were divided over the war and most everything else. People were mean and beat up and killed other people because they did not like people with a different skin color, gender, or thought processes.

I graduated again in 1978 and again in 1985. The world did not get better; however my gown and headdress did get more academic.

Here are my top ten things you need to know as you enter the world.

First. Get real. The world is not a pretty place. Your world is as bad as mine was, but you get to see yours take place live through social media on a 27/7 basis.

As you enter life, at some point, as the country western song says, you will be “lied to, cheated on and treated like dirt.” Therefore, I say to you “Buck up, Sissy Pants!” (Beverly Holfstedder, TBBT.)

Second. In addition, there will be “Good times and riches and sons of a bitches, and you’ll see more than you can recall.” Change your latitude and attitude often. Go to Margaritaville often, but always have a designated driver. (Jimmy Buffet)

Third. Remember, you and your parental units spent big bucks for you to be sitting there. The reason the thing on your head is called a mortar board is because it is fashioned after the flat thing brick layers use to scrap the goo (mortar) that holds brick and stone together. Therefore the one with the strings on the side is to hold your brain together. Don’t blow it by being and doing stupid. Do not aspire to win a Darwin Award. Stupid is as stupid does says Forrest Gump.

Fourth. Learn to spell the word RECEIVE. Do not spell it RECIEVE.

Fifth. Save your tassels. One never knows when life will hit you and you need to make money dancing. Otherwise, just dance. Learn to lead and follow. You get more dance partners that way and dance more often. Also, when your name is called and you feel like dancing when that sheepskin is in your hands, do not let anyone toss you off the stage of graduation or the stage of life when it is your moment.

Sixth. Own a dog and/or cat and be a responsible pet parent.

Seventh. Know that one day you will wake up to sagging boobs, beer bellies, enlarged prostates, swollen joints, peeing in your pants, and forgetting a lot of stuff. Yes, when I was your age I said it was not going to happen to me either.

Eighth. Vote. It does make a difference.

Ninth. Give back and pay it forward.

Tenth. Enjoy YOUR life. It is the only one you have. Be yourself and be comfortable with the person you are. Make your voice heard. Stand up for what you believe in and go make the world a better place.

A toast to all graduates.

Thank you and good luck. Where do I pick up my check? And you said there were refreshments?

 

Tuesday, May 01, 2018 – It’s May! It’s May! The Lusty Month of May! And the Musical Is?

Tuesday, May 01, 2018 – It’s May! It’s May! The Lusty Month of May! And the Musical Is?

It’s May’ It’s May; the lusty month of May. Can you name that musical? If you can, I will let you take me to the fair.

I can hear the final Jeopardy music playing as you think of (or Google) the answer.

I will give you some hints:

  • The musical premiered on Broadway in 1960 and closed in 1963 after 873 performances. There was a revival of the production in 1981.
  • The Tony for Best Musical that year went to Bye Bye Birdie.
  • The lead for the Broadway version did win the Tony for Best Performance by a Lead Actor.

Here is that Tony winningLead Actor from the 1960 musical in a 1978 version singing the title song. Watch as one of the greatest actors just walks onto the stage, puts his hands in his pockets and opens his mouth.

Don’t let it be forgot
That once there was a spot
For one brief shining moment that was known
As Camelot.

 

Monday, April 30, 2018 – Goat Yoga Needs Love Too

Monday, April 30, 2018 – Goat Yoga Needs Love Too

Music for goat yoga – … Goat yoga needs love too and it’s up against the wall redneck yoga; yoga we have learned to love so well…

I know I have written about goat yoga before. It is a yoga done where a small goat stands on your back or other body part. Now it has arrived in the Brazos Valley.  At least for one day, goat yoga was at Blackwater Draw Brewing Company. Yoga at a bar is good. Yoga with a goat in a bar is not so good.

Here are some quotes from Rachel Henson Goat Yoga owner from Houston.

  1. The classes are about an hour and include 15 minutes for getting to know your goat.
  2. Who doesn’t like to just hold a five pound baby goat that’s just super cute?
  3. Any time your backside or your stomach is open toward the goats they’re going to jump on you.

Here’s what I’m thinking.

  1. What is the protocol for getting to know your goat?
    1. Me: “Hello, Goat.”
    2. Goat: “Hi, I’m Billy and I will be your goat in yoga today? What muscles do you want me to put my goat feet on?
  2. At least when you hold kettle balls and weights they will not tinkle on you or leave goat fibers on your spandex yoga suit. You do not have to feed or clean up after the kettle balls or weights either.
  3. I have a cat that jumps on my backside and/or my stomach so I do not need a goat. Of course the cat usually jumps on my backside at 3:00 AM to wake me up and let me know she is going to sleep in the bed with me. She wakes me up again at 3:30 to let me know she is not going to sleep in the bed.

I am not sure when the Goat Yoga Lady will be back in the BV I am certain I will be out of town that day. However, if find you Zen with a goat in goat yoga, then buy your own goat and be happy. As for me, I’ll stay with the cat.

And KB, if you are reading this, Just say NO to Goats!

Original goat yoga article on KAGS news.

 

Wednesday, April 25, 2018 – The First Three Holes – Eagle, Birdie, Goose

Wednesday, April 25, 2018 –The First Three Holes –  Eagle, Birdie, Goose

Golf hazards do not always mean water and woods. After I stopped laughing I felt sorry for this young man.

My golf course animal rule: My emergency room deductible is $50. A box of cheap golf balls is $25. Therefore, if the ball goes into the grass or weeds and the greenery is up to my shoe laces, it is considered a lost ball and gone to snake land or as golfers say “where the monkeys make love.”

There is also the unwritten rule of “play the ball where the monkeys drop it.” When the British introduced golf to India during colonial days, monkeys were a serious problem. The animals would take a golfer’s ball, run with it and then drop it. The British were also a serious problem for the India, but that is another story.

If you think about it, sometimes it is like life. You just have to play life where the monkey drops you. Or in this young man’s case, where the goose drops you.

http://www.khou.com/mobile/article/news/nation-world/michigan-high-school-golfer-attacked-by-goose-photos-go-viral/507-545136945

Good read on the British, monkeys and life.

http://www.dailyom.com/cgi-bin/display/librarydisplay.cgi?lid=442