Category Archives: humor

Wednesday, February 13, 2019 – Protect Your Birds

Wednesday, February 13, 2019 – Protect Your Birds

Yesterday I purchased a new skillet. When I turned it over to see how to season it, I saw this in the instructions. I did not believe it at first either.

If you are having difficulty reading the before you use instructions, the sentence reads:

CAUTION: Please keep pet birds out of the kitchen. Birds’ respiratory systems are sensitive to many fumes, including the fumes of extremely overheated nonstick pans.

It immediately made me question “How was this determined?” Was there a lab experiment to determine which animals might be injured and the birds won? I have no answers. I noticed it said “Pet Birds.” So I assume that means you own multiples and that wild birds in your kitchen are okay.

I also wondered, “What about my respiratory system? What about Peach’s respiratory system?”

I apologize for the brevity of today. I am cooking chicken in my new skillet and must go tend to it.

Friday, February 8, 2019 – As God Is My Witness

Friday, February 8, 2019 – As God Is My Witness

Stop now if you think this is going to have a religious tint. I’m just paraphrasing Scarlett O for the introduction.

As God is my witness I have never done blackface. Even years ago we knew it was wrong. However, there was that one time when I applied black shoe polish to my face.

I was 12 and my Halloween costume was blue jeans, a horizontally striped black and white t-shirt, a black velvet beret, and bongo drums. Where in the confines of Magnolia, Texas I found bongo drums I do not recall. I applied a generous amount of black Kiwi Shoe Polish to create – ala resembles – a goatee set of facial hair. I am certain I created an interesting site since I was still wearing bronze looking, cat-eye glasses (with sequins.)

I recall being with another person who had on a similar costume – sans faux facial hair. It was probably Mollie H., but could have been Karen No Facebook. Here are some questions you should be asking yourselves.

• What in the world were you dressed as? We had to explain with every opening door. When the door opened one of us would say “You rang?” or “We are beatniks!” Then I would beat on the bongos a few times and one of us would say “Can you dig it? The other would say “We are cool cats.” Most people just looked at us in a mild state of confusion, but we still got candy. Then we’d leave with a “Thanks Daddy-O.”

• Bonus question for Colfax, Louisiana readers – Where did you get a black velvet beret? From one of Myrtle’s boxes. Remember those?

• How did two 12 year old girls in Magnolia, Texas even know what a beatnik was? You got me. Probably same place I borrowed the bongos.

• Your mothers let you go out like that? Yep. In fact one of them probably drove us Trick or Treating.

• What year was this? 1961 – The upside down year.

• Was this your last year to dress like a beatnik and go Trick or Treating? Yes. And after my first year in college I had moved to a full-fledged, tie-dyed, bell-bottom wearing hippie. Ya’ll should have seen that coming when I was 12. Groovy, huh? Peace out!

Tuesday, February 5, 2019 – Happy Chinese Lunar New Year!

Tuesday, February 5, 2019 – Happy Chinese Lunar New Year!

It is day one of The Spring Festival. It is the Year of the Pig and a time to let fortune and happiness come and/or continue. Festivals and celebrations continue for five days.

I have on red to avoid the monsters; I have my pig roasting; my fireworks ready to light; my dragons to be tamed and my cookies with hopes of fortunes that bring happiness and wealth on all of us today and into the New Year.

The Pig is the 12th of all Chinese zodiac animals. Two myths exist about The Pig. The Jade Emperor decided the placement by the order in which the animals of the zodiac arrived to his party. The Pig was late because he overslept and was last to arrive and thus received last place. A second myth is that a wolf destroyed his house and he had to rebuild before he could leave. He must have had one of those straw or stick houses.

These are some Chinese taboos for the day. I think some of them are pretty good whether it is a new year or not.

  • Do not say negative words.
    • Said to jinx yourself or bring misfortunes.
    • Words include death, sick, empty, pain, ghost, poor, break and kill.
  • Do not break ceramics or glass.
    • Said to break your connection to prosperity and fortune.
    • If you break something, wrap it in red and say sui sui ping and ask for peace and security.
  • Do not clean or sweep.
    • You sweep away the good luck.
    • I must have a really lucky house.
  • Do not use scissors, knives or other sharp objects
    • Sharp objects will cut your stream of wealth.
    • This includes getting your hair cut.
  • Do not visit the wife’s family.
    • This indicates a troubled marriage.
    • Go on the second day.
  • Do not demand debt repayment.
    • Another bad luck taboo.
    • To not demand a repayment shows understanding.
  • Avoid fighting and crying
    • Unless there is a special circumstance.
    • Do not reprimand a child that cries.
  • Avoid taking medicine 
    • This means you could be ill the entire year.
    • But your health should come first.
  • Do not give New Years blessings to someone still in bed
    • If you say Bai Nian before the person is out of bed, they will be bed ridden all year.
    • Sleep in
  • Do not give taboo gifts.
    • Especially do not give a clock.
    • It means paying one’s last respect.

Friday, February 01, 2019 – Ground Hog Day Eve

Friday, February 01, 2019 – Ground Hog Day Eve

What’s a Friday without a Snark? Ready?

Who’s excited about the Super Bowl? I’ll wait the prescribed 15 seconds per education Saint, Madeline Hunter, to see if anyone answers.

Meanwhile today is Ground Hog Day Eve. Here’s what I’m thinking. The renowned weather predicting rodent, aka Punxsutawney Phil, learned of the polar vortex, heard the temperature, saw the snow banks and left for Florida. The residents living in the current winter storm probably just hope the next six weeks are nothing like the previous week.

Friday, February 01, 2019 – Ground Hog Day Eve

What’s a Friday without a Snark? Ready?

Who’s excited about the Super Bowl? I’ll wait the prescribed 15 seconds per education Saint, Madeline Hunter, to see if anyone answers.

Meanwhile today is Ground Hog Day Eve. Here’s what I’m thinking. The renowned weather predicting rodent, aka Punxsutawney Phil, learned of the polar vortex, heard the temperature, saw the snow banks and left for Florida. The residents living in the current winter storm probably just hope the next six weeks are nothing like the previous week.

Who got my Ground Hog Day Joke? I’m still waiting to hear from someone excited about the Super Bowl.

Friday, January 18, 2019 – Lumpy Body Scan

Friday, January 18, 2019 – Fitness Lumpy Body Scan

Let’s play Jeopardy! I’ll take Physical Fitness Stupid for $1000, Alex.

The answer is: gravy, mashed potatoes, coal and me.

What are four things that are lumpy?

Bad Ass trainer talked me into entering a fitness contest. I think I am the only one in the age bracket that can even attempt what she is having me do without having 911 on speed dial and an ambulance on standby in the parking lot.

Yesterday, I did a full 3D body scan at the gym. You stand still while on a rotating platform in your almost birthday suit. I was thinking of the stage in Les Miserable’s.

I thought I was in decent shape. But the numbers don’t lie. I am lumpy – 36% lumpy to be exact in some places. I am not even sure what the rest of the lumpy numbers mean. I look like a fat alien rag doll with stuffing poking out in various places – like my waistline. This reading means that I am only slightly above average. You know how I do not like to be average in anything.

So now I am doing 50 of everything and if it does not kill me it will make me strong. 50 ring rows, 50 squats, 50 stomach crunches, 50 full body push-ups, 50 bicep curls, 50 triceps’ curls and 50 more exercises (like burpees) I do not even want to think about. I do this twice per week and cardio once per week. Then I get on a bicycle or treadmill or row a fake boat. None of them go anywhere.

I have only been “conditioning” as BA says for a week. My body has not been this sore since Coach McGinty’s seventh grade P.E. class. I have to go now and try to find the brain I lost when I said I would do this. For a T-shirt and maybe my picture on the wall? What was I thinking?

 

Monday, January 14, 2019 – WE ARE FAMILY!

 

Monday, January 14, 2019 – WE ARE FAMILY!

We are family! I got all my family with me! We are family! Look at what they did for me!

LOOK! I got a Ferrari! OK – we parked by one at Perry’s in The Woodlands

Back to Kristen’s

What’s a good party without a lampshade on your head and a boa around your neck? Kristen – the photo area rocked!

My outstanding twin gnieces!

 

My fabulous and handsome great nephews!

Niece # !

Looks as though Niece # 2 Deewee and I are going to do a dance routine.

As the song says: WE ARE FAMILY! Get up everybody and sing!

Just let me state for the record we’re  giving love in a family dose!

https://youtu.be/XwLjtilAZDQ

 

Friday, January 11, 2019 – You Will Be Assimilated

Friday, January 11, 2019 – You Will Be Assimilated

Captain’s Log 01.11.2019 – Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated. Wait. That is the Borg. We are not going to Delta Quadrant. Who is driving this Starship? We need to change course and warp speed to Septar Quadrant. That is where the Septuagenarians live. At 12:30 AM on Sunday, January 13, I will be assimilated into that decade.

Here is to all of the birth anniversaries born under the sign of Capricorn. Belated birthday wishes to Carol L. and RL on the 6th and 10th respectively. Tomorrow, January 12 we celebrate Molly and Dale and Carol M. days of birth.

Me and Molly Harper Fowler on our 13th birthdays. I do not know if there is a name for a Baptist and Methodist girl when she turns 13.

Then on Sunday, the lovely birthday girls, include, but is not limited to, me, Carolyn Sue, Nova and Debbie F. We all share the day of celebration.

We all invite you to celebrate with all the January birthdays while tapping your toes to another January BD – The Great Earl Scruggs born on Jan 6. I think Foggy Mountain Breakdown is appropriate for us. Don’t you? Engage! Warp Speed to Septar Quadrant.

https://youtu.be/AJOIqmlI65Y

 

Tuesday, January 8, 2019 – Tiger Tiger Burning Bright

Tuesday, January 8, 2019 – Tiger Tiger Burning Bright

Tiger tiger burning bright

In the forests of the night,

What immortal hand or eye

Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?

Fearful symmetry? How about the fearful offense or fearful defense of Clemson? Clemson ran through Alabama like you know what through a goose.

Congratulations to the Clemson Tigers for winning the big trophy stick associated with the National Football Championship. It was fun to see Dabo’s excitement as he ran and jumped along the sideline.

Dear Coach Saban, since you seem to recruit kickers who kick like 70 year old women, I would like to apply for the job next year. Really? A fake field goal? Did a Clemson zombie eat part of your brain?

One of the best parts of the game was the Chevy truck commercial with the Donny and Marie Osmond’s “I’m a little bit country; I’m a little bit rock and roll” as the dialog.

And so we now ask the important question. How many days until kickoff? It is actually 228 days until August 31.

To Clemson, the Texas Aggies shall see you on September 7. To Alabama, the Texas Aggies shall see you on October 1.

To the rest of the college teams, we’ll see you on Monday, January 13, 2020 in New Orleans. I hope Jimbo and Aggies are there!

Until then, Elvis has left the football thinkings until next season. Happy Birthday, Elvis! I believe I will go have a peanut butter and nanner sandwich.

Wednesday, January 2, 2019 – And Then There Was One

Wednesday, January 2, 2019 – And Then There Was One

One college football game left. Roll Tide.

Congratulations to LSU, Oklahoma State, Ohio State, and Kentucky on their bowl wins. To any fans from Pennsylvania, your teams must win their bowl games before they are mentioned.

Congratulations to THE University of Texas for their win over Georgia in the Sugar Bowl 28-21. This game was over when Bevo decided to have a pregame snack of an UGA Hot Dawg. Try that with the Miss Reveille, Bevo and you’ll be a steak.

To Georgia: What the hell? The next time you play a major bowl against a major team, may I suggest the following:

    • Bring your head to the game
    • Take your head out of your nether region
    • Use your head to play football
    • Do not underestimate a good team. Almost beating Alabama does not end the season.
    • Do not embarrass the SEC. Texas marched through you like Sherman! The tank, not the general.

To The University, again congratulations. It does indeed appear that The University (TU) is back to original form.

To the mouths talking in the booth last night and everyone else who was a booth mouth during the bowl games:

  • Call the damn football game!
  • Learn the name of the team – it is Oklahoma State or OSU – NOT OKState. You should have known that before your Twitter account exploded from the Oklahoma State fans.
  • No one cares how you played when you were playing.
  • No one cares what play you would have called.
  • No one really cares about your opinions on anything.
  • You do not need to give me the players/coaches profile from day one of their lives.
  • You do not have to fill then entire time between plays with mindless chatter.
  • I heard you the first time. And the second and probably the third time you repeated and/or rephrased what you just said.
  • Please do not refer to Sam Ehlinger as similar to Tim Tebow or anybody else. He is the pride and hope of The University of Texas and he is like Sam Ehlinger.
  • Next year go interview Bevo before the game. Maybe he will show you how the cow ate the New Year’s cabbage.

Only one more football game so it is time to move on to the bouncing round ball. Guess who has a ticket tomorrow night for Baylor and UCONN? See you, Geno!

Tuesday, January 1, 2019 – Happy Whooping New Year!

Tuesday, January 1, 2019 – Happy Whooping New Year!

Well, Skit. Skat. And how bout that?

How about them Aggies? Chomp. Chomp. What away to start a new year!

Congratulations to The Texas Aggie Football team, Coach Jimbo Fisher and Traveon Williams for a great game. Record setting runs for Traveon.

What a game for Cullen Gillespia? The epitome of The Twelfth Man.

Jimbo’s first year: 9 wins and four losses. Losses to Clemson by two and Alabama was scared. Time ran out against Mississippi State and Auburn. And then there was the LSU game followed by a convincing Gator Bowl victory. Not bad, Jimbo.

The final result? As many Aggie shirts now read:

It’s not the way it used to be!

WHOOP!

But that was last year. Today I have on my LSU Tiger T-shirt. It is the formal one with the mardi gras bead design. GEAUX TIGERS!

I am headed to have the traditional New Year’s black eyed peas and cornbread and New Year’s Day football watching. Speaking of Day, here’s to my friend Kathy who achieved a bucket list item today– Seeing Ohio State play in the Rose Bowl. I’ll watch for you KD.  Please wave to me and Ms. Navasota.