Category Archives: humor

Thursday, January 18, 2018 – Job Search

Thursday, January 18, 2018 – Job Search

I have been entertaining the idea of part-time employment.

I think back to my time of Governor of Texas induced 16 months of unemployment. The three criteria for employment are the same now as then. The job must be indoors; does not involve the preparation or handling of food or drinks and there is no dancing pole involved. However, I am willing to negotiate about the dancing pole.

I am adding a fourth criteria – does not involve social and polite interaction with people. For that matter, it does not involve antisocial and impolite interaction with people either.

The problem is I do not want to interact with people and that I want to work part time and design which parts of the time I work. Having taught eighth grade one year I am qualified to do almost anything.

If you Google “part-time jobs that have limited people involvement or interaction” you get listings such as:

Statistician – I left my correlations, coefficients, analyses of variances, independent, dependent and random variables, and chi squares in the control group long ago.

Pet sitter – I do this already. I have a pet and it sometimes sits in my lap. Sometimes it sits on the desk.

House cleaner – I hire someone to clean my house. Why would I clean someone else’s?

Test scorer – been there; done that, didn’t we Nikki?

Driving Miss Daisy – been there; done this one too.

Massage therapist – you have to touch people though.

Personal trainer – SEE! I KNEW IT! Krystal, Mickey and Kaitlin – I knew you guys just stand around, torture us and do not pay attention.

Working in a morgue or funeral home. Certainly no yakety yak; no talk back there.

I am thinking something more along the lines of:

Data researcher needed at different times to taste new brands of beer, vodka, tequila, chardonnay and merlot. Taxi fee home added benefit or can work from home.

Sports watcher and/or attendee – No boxing or wrestling. All indoor sport options available, including curling. Outdoor sports attendance only during good weather.

Chair sitting professional. No experience required.

Marijuana sampler – Must be able to remember and write a coherent sentence following sample without laughing.

The Great Jimmy Buffet at COTA Austin, Texas 2014 singing Cheeseburger in Paradise. Photo by me.

Cheeseburger sampler –not too particular; not too precise, must like onion slice; must like lettuce and tomatoes, Heinz 57 and French fried potatoes, big kosher pickle and cold draught beer and Jimmy Buffet songs.

Here’s a job that might work. Professional Hermit. I wonder what it pays.

Wednesday, January 17, 2018 – Texas Is Now Open, but Not Houston

Wednesday, January 17, 2018 – Texas Is Now Open, but Not Houston

Good Morning Blogosphere! The Divine Miss Peach and radio station HWIT with your mid-morning weather, news and sports.

After the Great Texas Blizzard of 2018, really named Inga, the state of Texas opened last night. But the Houston area most impacted by Hurricane Harvey last August remains closed today.

Geographic regions missing the Great Global Warming snow and ice storm, included, but were not limited to the Dallas Fort Worth Metroplex and my house. Nevertheless, the air temperature was in single digits. Current temperature in the sunny Brazos Valley is 25 degrees, but feels like 17.

Houston should reopen completely tomorrow pending a meteor attack or outer space alien invasion. Or maybe just falling into the Gulf of Mexico making Montgomery County home to Texas beaches.

Now to our educational portion of the show with Dr. Verbose. Dr. Verbose? What’s the word?

Today’s word is Paralipsis. It is a noun. It is the ability to say two contradicting things at the same time. Rhetoric, as in the suggestion, by deliberately concise treatment of a topic, that much of significance is being omitted, as in “not to mention other faults.”

Un Named DJ – Somewhat like in the song “You’re the original liar’s paradox,”

Dr. V. – Yes. And as Robert Earle Keene continues to sing “…You’ll have to Google that.”

Un Named D J – Can you use the word in a sentence for us?

Dr. V. – Yes. I am going to use my paralipsis to kiss you good-by now.

Thank you, Dr. Verbose. Now here with sports is Hasbeen Jockson.

The Texas Aggie men’s basketball team and the fans in Reed Arena last night almost needed CPR for a third time when the Ole Miss three point attempt at the buzzer bounced for an eternity on the rim of the basket before bouncing out giving the Aggies their first SEC victory. Many of those in attendance momentarily fainted. This number did not include the A&M basketball team and coaching staff.

In women’s basketball, the only thing better than Geno Auriemma and the UConn women’s’ basketball team stuck in Austin due to ice would have been them stuck in Austin watching a Longhorn victory replayed on the LHN. So close Horns. It has been a long time since we saw Geno sweating. You will Hook “Em in March!

Thank you, Hasbeen. Before I leave, let’s take a quick look at the Community Calendar. Don’t forget the Fat Tuesday fish fry and polka contest at St.Oltorf’s on February 13.

That’s right Lenters and those religions that descended from the original Kneelers. Ash Wednesday falls on February 14 – St. Valentine’s Day. Fast on Wednesday and fish on Friday until Easter. While I certainly cannot not speak for Pope Francis, but I do think he would want us to retain our energy levels while fasting that day. Nothing provides a good energy boost than a box of Valentine’s chocolates or chocolate covered strawberries.

This year in honor of the Olympics, I am giving up speed skating.

Que up theme song. Note to self – get a theme song. Thanks for listening today and every day. Our program is brought to you by The Tuna Fish Restaurant featuring the Tuna Fish Jazz Orchestra on Friday nights. Remember our motto: How do you tuna fish? With a tuning fork, of course.

Must work on theme song. Please leave song suggestions in space provided.

Tuesday, January 16, 2018 – The State is Closed Until Further Notice

Tuesday, January 16, 2018 – The State is Closed Until Further Notice

To the other 49 states, please note that because of global warming, the state of Texas is closed today due to sleet, snow, ice and well-digger cold temperatures.

Plans call for parts of the state to reopen after midnight. Until then, stay indoors, cover your petunias, and hunker down with the four basic food groups – sweet, salty, alcohol and chocolate.

To my golf friends – don’t forget our tee time Saturday; it will be 67 degrees. I love Texas!

 

Monday, January 15, 2018 – Martin Luther King, Jr. Birthday and The Lincoln Memorial

Monday, January 15, 2018 – Martin Luther King, Jr. Birthday

“… Not by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.” Martin Luther King, Jr. “I Have a Dream” Speech. August 28, 1963.

This is probably the best photograph I have taken up to this point in my life. It was take on June 2012.

It is copyrighted, so do not take it call it yours and hang it on the wall. If there are any lawyers left who are not suing somebody in the government, then I will sue you for copyright violation.

It is the Lincoln Memorial in Washington D.C. The Lincoln memorial was dedicated by President Warren G. Harding in 1922. Talk about some presidential scandals during a president’s administration.

Robert Todd Lincoln, age 78, and Lincoln’s only surviving son attended the dedication. Three of four sons and a husband dead before their time and you wonder why Mary Todd was depressed.

The 36 columns represent the states of the Union at the time of Lincoln’s death; the 48 stone festoons above the columns represent the 48 states in 1922. I had to look up festoon; you can too.

Inside, each inscription is surmounted by a 60-by-12-foot (18.3 by 3.7 m) mural by Jules Guerin portraying principles seen as evident in Lincoln’s life: Freedom, Liberty, Immortality, Justice, and the Law on the south wall; Unity, Fraternity, and Charity on the north. Cypress trees, representing Eternity, are in the murals’ backgrounds. The murals’ paint incorporated kerosene and wax to protect the exposed artwork from fluctuations in temperature and moisture.[13]

The ceiling consists of bronze girders ornamented with laurel and oak leaves. Between these are panels of Alabama marble, saturated with paraffin to increase translucency. But feeling that the statue required even more light, Bacon and French designed metal slats for the ceiling to conceal floodlights, which could be modulated to supplement the natural light; this modification was installed in 1929. The one major alteration since was the addition of a handicapped elevator in the 1970s.

Freedom, Liberty, Immortality, Justice, Law, Unity, Fraternity, and Charity are just a few of the words one sees or feels when standing before this sculpture.

Inscription above the sculpture – In this temple as in the hearts of the people for whom he saved the union, the memory of Abraham Lincoln is enshrined forever. Photo by me – 2012

Many individuals have stood on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial to continue to strive to achieve the words and symbols enshrined in this great memorial.

On this day and for each tomorrow, we stand together and continue to live and die for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, that all are created equal and we can live in a country where we are free to express our views without fears of repercussions.

Let us continue to dream that it will be the content of our character and not the color or shape of our skin that unites us.

Happy Birthday, Dr. King.

Friday, January 12, 2018 – Happy Birthday Sweet Sixteen

Friday, January 12, 2018 – Happy Birthday Sweet Sixteen

Happy Birthday to all of us born this week of January.

Wow, you really have to be old to remember the guy in this video. Oh wait, we are old. We may be growing older, but not up.

I like the song in the video. It has a good beat. You can dance to it. I give an 85.

Don’t try to tell me that we did not look like that audience. I have yearbooks with photos that beg to differ. You could hang coat hangers from those hair flips.

Let’s all sing and dance and laugh and celebrate the anniversaries of our birth.

Wednesday, January 10, 2018 – To the Capricornicus Among Us

Wednesday, January 10, 2018 – To the Capricornicus Among Us

Here’s to the Capricorns – those of us fortunate to be born between December 22 and January 19. HAPPY BIRTHDAY SEASON!

Famous Capricorns include, but are not limited to, Jesus, Jimmy Buffet, Kris Kristofferson, Elvis, Stephen Hawking, Natalie, Carol L, RL, Dale Marie, Molly H, Carol M, Carolyn Sue, Nova, Debbie H, and yours truly.

 

If I have unintentionally left out someone’s birthday, add it.

So, what does the Zodiac sign of Capricorn say about us?

Strengths: Responsible, disciplined, self-control, good managers

Weaknesses: Know-it-all, unforgiving, condescending, expecting the worst

Capricorn likes: Family, tradition, music, understated status, quality craftsmanship

Capricorn dislikes: Almost everything at some point.

Nailed the disklikes characteristic. Almost everything at some point, and many things much of the time.

I think several of the Capricorns listed above take offence at being labeled a “know-it-all.” For the Capricorns I know, we do know it all. Just ask us! We are not condescending; we are just smarter and better dressed than you are. I bet I am going to catch some shade for those comments.

We are most compatible with signs from Taurus and Cancer. That explains a lot about relationships with a Scorpion sign. This Capricorn is most compatible with the Lazy-Boy chair, the cat, a book, the ESPN channel and the remote control.

Here is to us – the Capricorns. “It’s just one more candle and a trip around the sun.” J. Buffet and M. McBride

Monday, January 8, 2018 – It’s My New Year and I’ll Start When I Want To

Monday, January 8, 2018 – It’s My New Year and I’ll Start When I Want To

Paraphrasing the Doo Wop Queen, Leslie Gore –

It’s my New Year and I’ll start when I want to; start when I want to; You can start too, when it happens to you.

I apologize for only one post last week. It was 22 degrees at two o’clock in the afternoon in Texas. Note: We Native Born Texans think 40 degrees warrants a coat, gloves, hats and boots. I was comfortable in a Lazy-Boy, under a heated blanket, with a good book and a fur baby curled up asleep in my lap. You would not have moved either. In fact, most of you that I was texting were not moving.

So what is happening that we might have missed? Tonight is the biggest night in college football. When the clock reads 00.00 at the end, I will already be counting the days until Saturday, September 1 when the Texas Aggies kickoff against Northwestern State. I will make Natchitoches meat pies to tailgate. Not looking ahead by any means, but Clemson is coming to Kyle Field the next weekend.

Meanwhile, ROLL TIDE.

I do wish the POTUS was not attending the game. Regardless of one’s thoughts regarding the President, one must admit he is a lightning rod. I wish the game would not become a political football. I just want to watch people have a good time and watch young people trying to make the world a better place.

Speaking of the future and the 2020 POTUS let us all just calm down about Oprah’s 2020 presidency. Let us first focus on 2018. As we hopefully have learned, “One great speech does not a president make.”

Nevertheless, here’s what I’m thinking regarding Oprah Winfrey’s Golden Globe speech as she accepted the Cecil B. DeMille Award for lifetime achievement. It was uplifting to hear words of hope and promise and delivered with thought and conviction. It was refreshing to hear an articulate, well-spoken individual give a sincere and dignified speech without bombastic naming calling of institutions and individuals.

It is a brand new year. I am ready for my close up, Mr. DeMille because Time’s Up!

Let me just end with one of my favorite sayings from one of my favorite people, Ms. Odessia Ross.

Years after Odessia and I graduated from Magnolia High School in 1967 we were talking one day. We shared five college degrees between us and countless certificates. I remember making a statement that I in 1967 really wanted to be a medical doctor, but there were no women out there beating down the doors.”

Odessia replied, “D, Black girls did not even know there were doors out there.”

New Year. New Day.

Tuesday, January 2, 2018 – Happy New Year and How Bout them Bowl Games?

Tuesday, January 2, 2018 – Happy New Year and How Bout them Bowl Games?

Welcome 2018! I hope your team won yesterday and in previous bowl games too. For many teams, like the Aggies and LSU time ran out. Thank you to Mississippi State, South Carolina, Georgia and Alabama. The rest of the SEC – Missouri, Kentucky, and Auburn sucked.  Nevertheless, this year the National Championship Football trophy will reside in the SEC.

I can hear the screams and whines now. I feel certain the other football conferences are letting the committee know of their unhappiness with one conference represented. You know Coach Meyers and The Ohio State Buckeyes are not happy. The Pac 12 is squealing.  Maybe they Pac 12 is just upset being 1-7 in bowl games.  The Big 12 is still stunned from the Rose Bowl, but will soon complain and realize THE University of Texas could very well be back to Longhorn form in 2018.

It is what it is. Next Monday we get to watch the game for the Championship and the opportunity to take the crystal football to Wal-Marts throughout Georgia or Alabama. It is going to be fun to watch.

Here’s hoping the 2019 championship will also feature an SEC school too. Oh Great Football Swami and Predictor of Greatness, please let it be the Texas Aggies!

Meanwhile,

ROLL TIDE.

Saturday, December 30, 2017 – The Last Saturday of the Year.

It is the last Saturday in the year 2017. Tomorrow begins the countdown to a New Year beginning with the month of January. This begins the month of celebration for those of us fortunate to be born in the month named allegedly after the Roman god Janus.

In ancient Roman religion and myth, Janus is the god of beginnings, gates, transitions, time, duality, doorways, passages, and endings. He is usually depicted as having two faces, since he looks to the future and to the past.

Janus presided over the beginning and ending of conflict, and hence war and peace. The doors of his temple were open in time of war, and closed to mark the peace.

New Year’s Eve is a time for reflection and contemplations. Being a Capricorn born in January I am very good at looking backwards (history nerd) and envisioning the future (educator).

Thank you to all of you who follow Here’s What I’m Thinking. One of the things I will be reflecting upon tomorrow is “why?” I do hope it makes you smile/laugh and/or think.

So HWIT on this last Saturday of 2017. Here’s to US as in all of us and the United States of America. For the year 2018, let us smoothly pass through new beginnings, doorways and passages to achieve the sacrifices that freedom and justice demand.

Conroe, Texas. Photo by me.

Stay warm. Stay safe. Be sure to cover your petunia. See you next year.

But two items before I sign off: 1. Baker Mayfield – in today’s interview, you look like an old fashioned Oklahoma cow paddy. Hope you got the grit to do in The Dawgs.

  1. ROLL TIDE!

Wednesday, December 27, 2017 – Merry Christmas from the Family

Wednesday, December 27, 2017 – Merry Christmas from the Family

Merry Christmas from the Family. Thank you, Robert Earle Keene for such a lovely song that describes the social institution known as The Family during the holiday season.

And thank you to my family for such a wonderful Christmas. I love my pajamas with tree lights pattern. I was wondering if they come in black. HWIT – I could pretend they are black slacks and wear them everywhere.

I was honored to sit in chair formerly occupied by my dear sister, Dale. Previously, I sat on the floor so this is a big leap.

For the next hour we oohed and ahhed over various unwrapping of boxes. I so love the portraits of the former Presidents on the greenish rectangular paper. I especially like the bill that has one of two portraits of a non-president. Hint: It is not Alexander Hamilton, but his pic looks pretty good in my wallet. Bonus: In 2020 a third non president will be featured on a US Currency. Do you know who it is?

As usual, I was thankful that no one who ate my cooking had to go to the ER or had to spend the night in the bathroom. I do not think the gumbo was my best effort this year. Maybe because I knew Dale would not be there to eat it. More than likely it was because I forgot to add a bunch of seasonings. Oh well.

It was a calm and peaceful Christmas filled with love and memories. Of course that could have been due to the bottle of Prozac I dumped in the gumbo.

Merry Christmas From the Family.

The GNieces and GNephews and the cutest GGNiece. Photo by me. Christmas 2017.