Category Archives: humor

Sunday, October 22, 2017 – The Forty Dance or 4 – 0. GO ASTROS!

 

Sunday, October 22, 2017 – The Forty Dance or 4 – 0. GO ASTROS!

I know my farther aka Honeyboy is doing the Forty Dance because our Astros are going to the World Series. What was the Forty Dance?

It was a happy dance he did on certain rare occasions. It also made my mother scold him for doing it and me for laughing at him.

It usually came when there was a victory over an archrival or a team he did not like. For example – The New York Yankees or the Los Angeles Dodgers.

It went like this:

Burst into the room, begin dancing and begin singing “Forty dance; forty dance; I’m going to do the forty dance.”

Place your right ankle and on your left knee and sing out “Here’s the four!”

Return foot to floor and sing out “Where the O?”

With great exaggerated motion turn around, bend over, stick out your butt and point to …well, you get it.

The O was yours last night, Yankees. Great series though.

Let’s hope there are some Forty Dances next week. A four to zip sweep and we’ll Forty Dance in downtown Houston in a conga line.

 

Friday, October 20, 2017 – Snarky Snark Snarky Friday. And Why I Love LSU When They Are Not Playing the Texas Aggies

Friday, October 20, 2017 – Snarky Snark Snarky Friday. And Why I Love LSU When They Are Not Playing the Texas Aggies

It is the Friday before college football and that means my Snarky Friday. My list seems rather short today, but remember I only write about teams I like and teams that play teams I like. Until the “official committee” listing comes out at the end of the month, these are the ones I am going with today.

Let’s kick off Saturday with THE University of Texas and Oklahoma State @ 11:00. Lots of orange to be seen in DK Royal Memorial Stadium. Old Austinites (Austonians?) remember the bumper sticker from Maggie Mae’s? “Beer! Not just for breakfast anymore!” Go Pokes! Must go with the money and DNA on this one.

On CBS at 2:30 we can find Tennessee and Alabama. The TIDE should roll over Rocky Top, but with Butch’s coaching seat getting hot, I am going to VOLUNTEER that anything might happen.

Boomer Sooner on Fox with OU and Kansas State at 3:00. Yuk, yawn and reaching for the remote to tune into:

The Mississippi State Bulldogs and the Wildcats of Kentucky on SECN at 3:00. It should be a real dog and cat fight. Go State! See you next weekend in beautiful Kyle Field. Just so you know – The Aggies are allegedly wearing uniforms that have glow in the dark features.

Continuing with the Battle of the Schools that Begin with the Letter A we find Auburn and Arkansas at 6:30 on the SECN. Speaking of coach’s seats growing warmer, the bacon is beginning to burn in Arkansas.

Kansas meets TCU on Fox 7:00. Dear Jayhawks, Basketball season tips off this month.

Poor Baylor. I do not believe the West Virginia Baylor game beginning @7:00 even made ESPN3. Here’s hoping that it doesn’t rain on your Homecoming Parade, BU. Is this the game where all the old lady alums run as the Baylor Line? Debbie, Susi and Jeri? I hope the Mountaineers do not burn couches at their away games.

At 6:15 my channel and my heart will be watching LSU and Ole Miss. Even though I was only nine years old at the time, the Halloween game of 1959 became a legend in our family. Here’s to you Cousin Donnie Daye for giving me the love of football. I know you will be looking down.

LSU Band tribute to Donnie. 2015 (I think)

Donnie and Penny Daye – Good Memories.

Here’s to you, Billy Cannon for being so nice and remembering Donnie the day you signed my shirt. So now I have the signatures of the blocker and blockee of the Tiger victory over the Ole Miss Rebels.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Billy_Cannon%27s_Halloween_Run

GEAUX TIGERS!

For the Aggies: BTHO BYE WEEK

Did you know? Heisman winner Billy Cannon was supposed to play for the Texas Aggies. But a few too many incidents with parish law officials required that he stay in the state of Louisiana.

Thursday, October 19, 2017 – Everybody Dance Now! Now This Is Some Wizardry of Oz!

Thursday, October 19, 2017 – Everybody Dance Now! Now This Is Some Wizardry of Oz!

Take a look at the video of the Homecoming Pep Rally from an Arizona High School. What energy! Great job!

AXO Sisters. Let’s do this for our fiftieth reunion. Who’s in?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y2horVdXz70

Monday, October 16, 2017 – The Monday After College Football Awards

Monday, October 16, 2017 – The Monday After College Football Awards

What a fun football weekend. Let’s get this party started!

SWAMP! SWAMP! CHOMP! CHOMP! Alligator tastes like Chicken Award goes to the Texas Aggie Field Goal Kicker and the Defensive Unit.

The Aggies also win the Historical Award for not having won a football game in the state of Florida since World War II.

This week I should give a Clean Undies Award because almost every team wins a Poopy Undies Award. Games are getting interesting.

Let’s back up to Friday and start with the Dysfunctional Digestive Awards.The Clemson Tiger coughed up a hairball as Clemson was upset by Otto the Orange and Syracuse 27-24.Just as the Pepto Dismal kicks in for that game Cal (Berkley) put a hippy dippy ass whopping on Mike Leach’s boys from Washington State 37-3.

The West Coast Slide Down the Rankings continued Saturday night with Washington being upset by Arizona State. 7 – 13

Saturday began with TCU and K-State in lightening delay # 1.

The Pyro Burning Sofa Award goes to West Virginia. You got admit, it is way more hillbilly to burn a sofa when your team wins than throw tortillas. Texas Tech 35 West Virginia 46.

The OOH Whee Baby Don’t you know You Set My Soul on Fire Award goes to the Tigers of LSU for their victory over Auburn. LSU 27 Auburn 23. Way to make the SEC interesting.

TCU and K-State lightening delay # 2.

The Great Game Award goes to Oklahoma University and THE University of Texas. I am also awarding the Left It All on the Field Award to both teams. OU 29 and THE University of Texas 24.

TCU and K-State lightening delay # 3 through whenever and aka as WHERE is the damn Baylor/Oklahoma State game?

Finally…TCU 26 and Kansas State 6.

Then the Cowboys of Oklahoma State win the Keeping Baylor Perfect Award by winning over the hapless Bears.59-16.

The Still the One as in Number One Award goes to Alabama. In the SEC Battle of Schools Beginning the Letter A-The Tide of Alabama had no trouble rolling over the pigs of Arkansas. Note to the Arkansas Coach – Did you happen to look to the other side and see what Coach Saban was wearing? Some nice beige pants; a nice polo shirt – very classy. You, on the other side looked like a sad, red busted balloon. I know they got better clothes at Wal-Mart. Tide 41 – Hogs 9.

Now back to the SWAMP.

In the Where’s the Mute Button Category, the John Wilkes Booth Announcer Award for worse announcers goes to the ESPN-hired duet attempting to be speaking or making words for the A&M/Florida game. Yes, Beth, I am happy you know football as you do and are announcing, but your voice is that of fingernails on a chalk board. Where did you audition? Texas School for the Deaf?

And Side Kick Dude? What was your first language? I am thinking maybe not English. I stopped counting your grammatical errors in quarter one with “he should have ran out of bounds and “he throwed it to a covered receiver.”

The uniforms looked worse on TV.

The Florida Gators win two Awards for Uniforms. First they win The Invisible Blend into the Field Ugliest Uniform. They also win The New Color in the Crayola Box Award – Swamp Dirt Water Brown.

A Big Solid Award goes to Texas Aggie Tyrel Dotson for intercepting a Florida pass to end the game with an Aggie victory 19-17.

Next week: BTHO BYE WEEK!

Photo by me 1986. Old Yankee Stadium in the Bronx. Demolished in 2010.

Tonight: Astros/Yankees 7:08 FS1 – Not this Year Yanks! BTHO Yankees!

Friday, October 13, 2017 – Friday 13th – A Snarky Friday – Here’s to Lots of Orange

Friday, October 13, 2017 – Friday 13th – A Snarky Friday – Here’s to Lots of Orange

This morning I am feeling like Prissy in Gone With the Wind because “

MISS SCARLETT, THE YANKEES ARE COMING!

Brooklyn Bridge – photo by me 1986

That’s right; the boys in pinstripes are coming from New York City to Houston, Texas Minute Maid Park to play the Houston Astros in Game 1 of the American League Championship Series. Winner of the series goes to the World Series. I will have my Dallas beard on, Honeyboy’s Astro cap, a hot dog and cold adult beverage ready for the first pitch at 7:08 on FS1. GO ASTROS!

It is going to be an Orange weekend for almost everybody.

Between innings one can catch more orange on TV and watch Clemson v Syracuse on ESPN. The All Things Orange begins at 6:00. Syracuse’s mascot is one of the anthropomorphic dressed up person mascots named Otto. The original mascot of Syracuse was a Native American character named The Saltine Warrior. The Saltine Warrior remained the mascot until 1978 when the Native American students successfully said no Native Americas named after crackers. After 17 years with no mascot Syracuse selected an orange fluff ball and called it Otto.

Clemson’s mascot is also one of those anthropomorphic dressed up person mascots. It is a tiger named The Tiger. Clemson’s athletic teams have been nicknamed the Tigers since 1896, when coach (and later university president) Walter Merritt Riggs brought the name from his alma mater, Auburn University.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Otto_the_Orange#Saltine_Warrior

If you are a night owl, following the Big Orange you can watch Washington State vs Cal on ESPN at 9:30. It is always interesting to see what Mike Leach of Washington State will do.

Starting the Saturday at 11:00 we can watch The Tortilla Throwing Texas Tech Red Raiders take their breakfast tacos to Morgantown to meet the West Virginia Mountaineers on ESPNU. Throwing tortillas is nothing compared to West Virginia students burning couches in the streets when WVa. wins.

In the Game of Purple the rising Frogs of TCU play Kansas State on FS1.

Finally it will be 2:30 and time for some real football.

CBS will have Auburn v LSU. I see a bad moon rising for one of these Tigers, and it is not the one in purple and gold.

In Stillwater, Oklahoma State celebrates homecoming by keeping Baylor’s record perfect with zero wins. Watch it on FS1.

But The Eyes of Texas will be upon The Red River Rivalry with OU v TU on ESPN. HWIT – the Horns will need to bring everything they got to hang with the Sooners. The Baker Boys are mad from last week and are planning a steak dinner that night.

At 6:15 on ESPN the Razorbacks of Arkansas visit The Crimson Tide of Alabama in Tuscaloosa. Now Coach Bielema, you going to have to dress up a little more than in previous games. That tacky sweat shirt is not going to cut it, even in Alabama. Text Alabama Coach Saban and ask for some fashion tips. He is real good at giving that girl in the commercial fashion advice. ROLL TIDE.

At 6:15 on ESPN2 the Texas Aggies visit The Swamp in Gainesville to meet Florida. This could be very interesting for the Aggies.

Looking like The Creature from the Swamp, Florida will be wearing this faux alligator nature looking ensemble designed by someone on an acid trip. I am going out on a limb and giving Monday’s Ugly Uniform to Florida.

Gig ‘Em Aggies! BTHO Florida!

Thursday, October 12, 2017 – Get Along Little Doggies Along the Texas Cattle Drives

Thursday, October 12, 2017 – Get Along Little Doggies Along the Texas Cattle Drives

Listen up, Ya’ll, I’m fixin to tell ya’ll sump um.

Eat your heart out you Native Texans. Look what I won.

I like to say I won it in a Texas trivia contest, which I kinda did. But the fact that you could look up the answers somewhat negates the intellectual side of the contest. But I did win the weekly drawing and won this incredible framed print of the 1876 Texas Cattle Trails.

The Texas State Historical Association (TSHA) recently held an online Texas trivia contest. For three weeks participants answered daily questions about Texas. At the end of each week, a drawing was held and winners received some very nice prizes, including weekend get-away vacations several of the maps of Texas prints and more.

If you have been to the state capitol or visited a state office building you will find these prints hanging in various places. If you go the gift shop in the state capitol and price these framed prints, you will know how proud I am to own one. Yes, that is a hand tooled leather mat.

If you are a Native Texan or even one of those “You got Here as quickly as you could” kind of Texans, I encourage you to become a member of the TSHA. There is a whole lot more to remember and learn about Texas than just the Alamo. https://www.tshaonline.org/home/

Who knows? Maybe next you will win a cool prize about Texas.

What’s for lunch? I am feeling like a barbecued brisket. For you non Texans, we like to spell barbecue with a C, like in Cow. I reckon that’s all for now. Ya’ll be careful and ya’ll come back now ya hear?

Monday, October 09, 2017 – Monday After College Football Awards

Monday, October 09, 2017 – Monday After College Football Awards

Happy Indigenous People Day! You want to take down some statues? How about the New World explorers? Moving on.

What a weekend of college football whoppers! The first Poopy Undies goes to The Crimson Tide from Alabama. This may be the only pair of Poopy Undies you get until the SEC championship, but for now this one is yours from Aggieland. As always, the Aggies never lose; time just runs out. And time ran out as the Tide was going out after its stiffest test yet. Alabama 27 Aggies 19.

Joining Alabama and receiving a Poopy Undies Award are THE University of Texas and The University of Oklahoma. Bevo’s Boys held on for a second OT with win over Kansas State 40 – 34.

Obviously the Cyclone warnings did not go off in Norman as Iowa State stunned the Sooners with a 38-31 victory. Bevo won’t be big enough, old enough or strong enough next weekend to hold off a very mad OU team.

The Great Game of Mediocrity Award goes to Florida 16 and LSU 17. Keep it up, Gators. The Aggies are coming and we now used to high Tides and swampy waters in Texas.

The Award for the Best Game that Nobody Saw goes to Western Michigan University and Buffalo, with seven overtimes, 139 points and a Buffalo loss 71-68.

But the He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother Award goes to Western Michigan’s Donnie Ernsberger’s sister for running on the field thinking the game was over at the end of the second OT.

https://www.cbssports.com/college-football/news/seven-ots-139-points-wmu-edges-buffalo-in-highest-scoring-longest-fbs-game/

The Best End Zone Award goes to the great Gene Stallings and his 1967 SWC Champions and Cotton Bowl Victors over Bear Bryant’s Alabama. In spite of suffering a heart attack last weekend, he was there with his team. Them Junction Boys are tough. Thank you, Coach Stallings, for all you’ve to done to make the Aggies, the Bear and Alabama very proud.

Photo by Terry

The Best Photos of the Flyover Taken in the Front Yard goes to me. One has about five seconds before they are out of sight.

Friday, October 6, 2017 – Stage Left: The Snark Appears

Friday, October 6, 2017 – Stage Left: The Snark Appears

Before we get to our college football Snarky Friday, let us offer congratulations to the Houston Astros for their 8-2 victory yesterday over the Boston Red Sox in Game one of the American League Division Playoffs. I would have so enjoyed seeing second baseman, Jose Altuve, become the 9th player with a 3 HR game in postseason history. But the game was not televised on TV on a reasonable channel – even for someone with has many sports channels as I have.

Therefore today, when I turn on my TV at 1:00, I better see some players in Astro uniforms getting ready to play some players in Boston Red Sox uniforms. Do not make me go 8th Grade School Teacher on you. GO ASTROS!

What is on the screens tomorrow for college football? Starting the morning at 11:00 AM we have potential Blow Outs featuring:

  • Ole Miss and Auburn on SECN
  • Georgia and Vanderbilt on ESPN
  • Iowa State and Oklahoma on FOX
  • Texas Tech and Kansas on FS1
  • Wake Forest and Clemson on ESPN2.

I do not like any of those schools at this time.

At 2:30 it is time to catch the shuttle to campus to tailgate. I should arrive mid to end of first quarter for these interesting games.

  • West Virginia and TCU on FS 1 – ESPN Game Day comes to you from Fort Worth, Texas. Lee Curser will look good in the Big Horned Frog head.
  • LSU and Florida on CBS – Remember Troy! For Tigers’ sake, it was homecoming last weekend! Swamp. Swamp. Chomp. Chomp.

Scheduling right along;

  • 4:10 Spirit Walk @ War Hymn Statue
  • 4:20 Kyle Field Gates Open
  • 5:00 Corps Step off @ Quad
  • 5:30 – Take shuttle back home to watch:

From the Big 12 Conference which is really only 10 teams, at 6:00 on FS1 from Royal Texas Memorial Stadium. Royal Texas Memorial Stadium??? Huh? That ain’t right! That is how the ESPN app shows it, Horns.

Allow me to continue correctly. Coming to you on FS1 from Daryl K. Royal Memorial Stadium, THE University of Texas hosts the Kansas State Wildcats. To save us all time and data charges tomorrow for texting the following question: “How old is Bill Snyder?” Tomorrow is his birthday. He will be 77 years old.

May I offer this small suggestion to the Longhorn team? Do not see past the purple haze tomorrow in anticipation of seeing red next weekend.

And now a football trifecta. All three of my alma maters play tomorrow. I got papers from all three hanging on the wall.

In the Battle of the Big Thicket, also at 6:00 the Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks play the Sam Houston State Bearkats. Ax ‘Em, Jacks! This will be on the small tablet screen streaming ESPN3.

Scheduling along:

  • 5:56 Spirit of Aggieland
  • 6:08 National Anthem: Texas Our Texas
  • 6:15 –on ESPN – Kick-Off – BTHO ALABAMA!
  • 6:16 – Ensure Smelling Salts are close by. Get Dammit Doll Ready.

First, to the Announcers:

Corp march in 2016. Photo by me.

Dear ESPN, if one of your booth mouth jockeys or whichever of you is on the ground – If you say “Battle Hymn” instead of War Hymn as you did last week, please run. Run Away Now. Run to Austin. Remember those people pictured above carry swords.

Second: Welcome to College Station, Texas, Coach Sabin (sic). I hope you like the hospitality and have a memorial experience in Kyle Field.

Looking out my backyard. Photo by me.

Third: Pardon me for  yelling, but it is going to take a lot more yelling than this. OH LORD! LET THERE BE A MIRACLE ON THE BRAZOS ON SATURDAY NIGHT IN KYLE FIELD BY THE LIGHT OF THE SILVERY MOON.

PLEASE DO NOT LET THE TIDE RUNNETH OVER AND DROWN DOTH THE AGGIES.

Photo by KB

Photo by KB

PLEASE LET THE 12TH MAN SOUNDETH LOUD WHEN ALABAMA HAS THE BALL.

PLEASE HOPE I HAVE ENOUGH SMELLING SALTS UNTIL THE CLOCK READS 00:00 ENDING THE GAME.

PLEASE, HELP THE AGGIES BEATETH THE HELL OUT OF ALABAMA!

Wednesday, October 04, 2017 – Golf or Something Like It

Wednesday, October 04, 2017 – Golf or Something Like It

My apologies for the late post today. I actually dragged myself out of bed this morning and on to the golf course for the Briarcrest CC Ladies monthly golf scramble. I was confident my inner Asian golfer’s evil twin, Yu So Suk would show. For the most part she did.

We were in teams of three. There was me, playing like Yu So Suk, Susi, playing as Not Dat Way, and last year’s club Champion, Olivia.

But twice my inner the good twin Asian golfer, Yu So Yung, appeared, both times to save par. And twice Susie’s inner golfer, Yu So Grate, appeared to sink two birdies in a row.

Olivia did the rest while Susi and I reflected on Mark Twain and a good walk spoiled.

Of course the best hole in golf is the 19th – especially when your team wins with a bogy free 4 under! Our shared winning totaled $60.00 – twenty bucks for each of us.

Tuesday, October 3, 2017 – Wardrobes for the Weekend – Lace Bralette

Tuesday, October 3, 2017 – Wardrobes for the Weekend – Lace Bralette

It is ever too early to start preparing for this weekend’s football game. I am so excited. Ms. Navasota and I have an opportunity to tailgate in the afternoon prior to the Texas Aggie Alabama game Saturday night. Maybe Ms. Navasota’s cousin KT will join us.

I dusted off the Beat Alabama Shrine last evening and begin lighting the candle when I say vespers. I realize the helmet, even with the JM autograph is of little value, but he is the only one to have Rolled back the Tide.

Ms. Navasota, Cousin KT and I want to blend in with the college coed crowd so we need an appropriate game day wardrobe. Just because it has been almost 50 years since we graduated from under grad school, we want to fit it toe to head.

I believe we three are able to produce the necessary cowboy boots. I mean we are all Native Texas so we have several pair.

We have had difficulty to finding Daisy Dukes cut offs in our sizes that show off our butt cheeks. It seems the stores do not carry our sizes of cut offs with elastic waists or in super stretch. I believe we have been able to make do with some jeans we had left over from George W.’s first term and a pair of pinkin shears. Those alligator teeth scissors.

I am going to skip bodice attire and focus on face and head-gear and save the bodice until last. Like boots, all Native Texas have a cowboy hat of some sort. Real cowboys and cowgirls have several hats – the high dollar beaver hat you wear to rodeo; the nice summer straw hat you wear in the summer; the hats you work it and the $2.00 hat you wear to costume parties.

This cheap cowboy hat is appropriate else it distract from the $250 Rayban Aviator sun glasses that adorn your face. Side bar: Being the more literary type, my $250 Rayban sun glasses are called “Gatsby” for the sign over the Optical Shop in The Great Gatsby and Cats That Support Aggies.

But back to bodice. I have purchased each of us a maroon lace bralette.

While it sounds like a cheap wine or a French dessert, it seems you wear this over your bra and it is supposed to function as a shirt or blouse. I honest to God do not know if this is the back or the front. We will have to experiment.

We will supply our own bras to wear under our lace bralettes. I suppose the bras I have with NIKE on them will not work. Oooh, I wonder if there is a bra that says BTHO Bama! I would so wear that.

I doubt you will be able to see us on television because we will be so blended in with the co-eds. I plan to wear my maroon bralette over my T-shirt.