Category Archives: humor

Tuesday, November 29, 2016 – Decorate! Decorate! Dance to the Music.

Posted on November 29, 2016 | 1 comment

Tuesday, November 29, 2016 – Decorate! Decorate! Dance to the Music.

Does anyone remember when I lived in the duplex in Panorama? Plastic lawn ornaments were the lawn decoration of the day. My deeply devout Catholic neighbor placed a lighted plastic Mary, Joseph and Baby Jesus in the monkey grass between our houses. Baby Jesus’ light shorted out and blinked on and off nightly as if giving random communications to aliens. Maybe it was.

Here are some other lawn ornaments for your consideration – courtesy of me and Lowes.

What says Christmas more than Snoopy sitting on the fireplace burning his butt? snoopy-snowman-800x450

Notice to the right there is the brown snowman – snow person. I think this is for people of color or those who live in highly polluted areas. It could also the parson brown from the song “… in the meadow we can build a snowman, then pretend that he is parson brown.”

In this lovely latex scene we have the Big Foot snowman descending on Santa Claus and the reindeer. santa-and-snow-man-800x450

But my favorite, in keeping with season is the inflatable nativity scene. nativity-800x450

If you examine closely, Mary’s headwear resembles the little paper top you are given when you get a mammogram. One must use their imagination and Sunday school experiences and not think the BJ looks like a small box of pampers.

The reindeer on the roof is from the Big Foot eating Santa display, but does add a certain element to the display. Up on the roof top, reindeer pause…

It is the placements of the lights that baffle me. Mary’s right breast and Joseph’s nether region appear to be lit. Given rain, squirrels and neighborhood mischief with BB guns, it is entirely possible electrical issues could occur. This creates unanticipated light shows that resemble random communications with aliens.

Then again, random communication with aliens with THE LIGHT is what it was all about in the first place. So light ‘em up and decorate, decorate and dance to the music.

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Posted in humor, Misc.

Tagged Christmas, Christmas decorations, humor, lawn inflatibles

Monday, November 21, 2016 -The Monday after Saturday College Football Awards and the Best College Team Football Team in Texas

Posted on November 21, 2016 | Leave a comment

Monday, November 21, 2016 -The Monday after Saturday College Football Awards and the Best College Team Football Team in Texas

Let’s begin with the UGLY Awards and there are many to be awarded.

First Place Ugly Award for really ugly is presented to THE University of Texas who somehow lost to a one (1) and nine (9) Kansas team in overtime no less. Perhaps it was those ugly blue bunting bird looking uniforms KU wore. (Thank you Dr. K.) The last time THE University of Texas lost to Kansas was 1938. Write that on your Rock Chalk, Jayhawk sidewalk.

The Star-Kist Tuna Award – Sorry, Charlie – is awarded to Head Coach Charlie Strong of The University of Texas. I sincerely thought and hoped it would be a good fit for all. The good news is that lots of coaches have FOR SALE signs in their front yards too with more coming soon.

With a possible FOR SALE sign in his yard, we have the Second Place Ugly Award presented to Texas Tech for losing to Iowa State 66 -10.Tech scored when the Iowa State women’s soccer team took over in the fourth quarter.

Third Place Ugly Award is presented to Baylor University losing to K-State 42-21.

Fourth Place Ugly Award is presented to the Texas Aggies for surviving 23-10 against The University of Texas @ San Antonio.

This presents a distinct possibility that Texas A&M and Baylor will meet in the We Suck Bowl to be played in a big high school stadium somewhere between Houston and Dallas.

In Other Awards

The Cat that Ate the Cardinal Award goes to The University of Houston Cougar(s) who ate the Cardinals of Louisville 36 to 10 spoiling all Louisville hopes for a big bowl and maybe Lamar’s Heisman hopes. Nice cat smile, Shasta.

The Snow Globe Game Award– Snow U/OU Award goes to OU vs. W.Va. – OU 56 West Virginia 28. I am glad OU wore red pants with their white jerseys; otherwise one would have lost them in the snow and on the field after it stopped snowing. West Virginia still was unable to find them on the field – red pants and all.

The Taste like Chicken Award goes Pistol Pete and the Cowboys of Oklahoma State as they dined on frog legs defeating TCU 31-6.

This sets up the Big 12 Conference Title to be determined at Bedlam next week. Notice: neither of the schools is in Texas.

Michigan and Ohio State both receive Poopy Undies Awards with Ohio State escaping Michigan State 17 to 16. Michigan had more difficulty than anticipated winning over Indiana 20 to 10.

This sets up The Big Ten Title game between Ohio State and Michigan next week. I am going with the team that wears ugly helmets.

The Thanks for Participating Awards go to Alabama and Auburn. Both teams won handily, but both should have against Cupcake We’ll Take the Gate Receipts schools. This sets up the Iron Bowl next week. Roll Tide.

The Longest Yard Award goes to Florida for stopping LSU on the goal line on fourth and one to defeat the tigers and win the SEC East. Score: Florida – 16 to LSU – 10. Yea. Guess who’s coming to College Station for Thanksgiving Dinner?

It was definitely a week of ugly in Texas football. But there is one bright orange spot coming out of Huntsville, Texas.

The best football school currently in the state of Texas is the #5 Sam Houston State University Bearkats. The Bearkats are undefeated for the second time in program history and will host the winner of Weber State and Chattanooga on Saturday, Dec. 3 at 2 p.m. from Bowers Stadium.

http://www.gobearkats.com/ViewArticle.dbml?SPSID=92955&SPID=11345&DB_LANG=C&ATCLID=211310989&DB_OEM_ID=19900

Perhaps there is National Champion Football Shirt from one of my alma maters in my future after all.

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Posted in Education, humor, Misc., Native Texan, Texas Aggies

Tagged Alabama, Auburn, Baylor, Baylor Bears, Baylor football, Big 12 Conference, College Football; Texas Aggies, Crimson Tide, LSU, Oklahom University, Oklahoma State University, OU, Roll Tide, Sam Houston State Bearkats, Sam Houston State University, SEC, TCU, Texas Longhorns, Texas Tech, The University of Texas

Saturday, November 19, 2016 – Those Hippies on a Bicycle – The Ruin of All Social Order

Posted on November 19, 2016 | 1 comment

Saturday, November 19, 2016 – Those Hippies on a Bicycle – The Ruin of All Social Order

I just finished this book. It is a light history filled with how the two-wheeler changed and influenced the world. Below is one of my favorite passages.

Margaret Guroff – The Mechanical Horse – How the Bicycle Reshaped American Life, pgs. 121-122.

By the 1960’s, the specter of the slick-haired, leather-jacketed juvenile delinquent had been replaced by a fearsome new teenage minority: the hippie, whose hallucinogens, campus activities, psychedelic music and improvisational hygiene threated to destroy the social order. Critics blamed the generation’s wildness on parental overindulgence – such as handing out bikes to our children without requiring work in exchange “We have given our children a free ride since the day they were born, and now we can’t understand why they demand so much,” opined the California philanthropist Mrs. George Buccola in 1967. “We gave them that bicycle.”

Photo by Gniece #3 – Blair. Taken in front of my house. I am screaming “How do I stop?” But, you really don’t forget how to ride.

Happy Saturday and BTHO UTSA!

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Posted in Education, humor, Misc., Native Texan

Tagged The Mechanical Horse

Thursday, November 16, 2016 – Jonathan Swift , Ignatius J. Reilly and Me

Posted on November 17, 2016 | 2 comments

Thursday, November 16, 2016 – Jonathan Swift , Ignatius J. Reilly and Me

Thank you to my government employee friends and the literary people especially us liberal arts folks – especially Brit Lit and Grit Lit majors. You recognized yesterday’s quote from Swift’s Thoughts on Various Subjects written about the British monarch George I and published around 1726.

And yes, regardless of political leanings it is said with every transitional period of government and has since the 18th century when Swift wrote about the rise of Parliament and decline of the monarchy when the sun never sat on the British Empire.

Speaking of centuries, here is another great quote from John Kennedy Toole’s outstanding, laugh out loud and well deserved Pulitzer Prize winning book about Nawlins, Louisiana – From A Confederacy of Dunces:

“I am at the moment writing a lengthy indictment against our century. When my brain begins to reel from my literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip.” Ignatius J. Reilly.

So me!

Here’s to the beginning of The Silly Season – the filing of bills in the Texas Legislature. Photo by me.

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Posted in Education, humor, Misc., Native Texan, Politics

Tagged a confederacy of dunces, John Kennedy Toole, Jonathan Swift, Texas Legislature

Wednesday, November 16, 2016 – Job Vacancies – Now Hiring!

Posted on November 16, 2016 | 3 comments

Wednesday, November 16, 2016 – Job Vacancies – Now Hiring!

Employer: President Elect Donald Trump and the Trumpets Transitional Team

Galveston – 2011 – Photo by me.

Number of vacancies: Approximately 4000 positions available from clerical staff to upper management levels.

Job Location: West Wing, White House, Washington D. C.

Education Requirements: None required beyond high school or GED

Work Experience: None required

Pay Grade: Entry level

Note: Not an equal opportunity employer. People of color, alternate life styles, and other religions and beliefs besides evangelicals need not apply.

“When a true genius appears, you can know him by this sign: that all the dunces are in a confederacy against him.” Jonathan Swift

Austin graffiti wall – 2013 – Photo by me.

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Posted in Education, humor, Misc., Native Texan, Politics

Tagged Donald Trump, Trump transition team

Monday, November 14, 2016 – My Monday After Saturday College Football Awards

Posted on November 14, 2016 | 1 comment

Monday, November 14, 2016 – My Monday After Saturday College Football Awards

Ship wreck 4

GLOOM! DISPAIR! And AGONY!

Just when we thought it was safe to go back into the water, the rankings in college football were shuffled like a cheap deck of bicycle playing cards.

Please note: No Poopy Undies Awards will be given today. At this point we are just going to go with the Oh Crap! Awards and every team, coach and fan receives one.

The first Oh Crap Award goes to every team that has played Alabama for the last four years as The Tide Rolls. Note: to Bama Fans – I only went back to Coach Sabin and did not count The Bear or G. Stallings or any of those the school claims and are recognized before playoffs when you were #1. Just so many. To The Crimson Tide – Congratulations for securing the SEC West. Roll Tide.

Other awards for teams are as follows. Let’s start with the Small (and getting smaller) 12 Conference teams.

First, to Baylor and Seth Russell here is a sincere heal soon wish. The BU QB gets the Joe Theisman Award for sustaining a stomach turning leg/ankle injury. You know it is bad when players from both sides jump up from the tackle pile screaming for help. But you really know it is bad when TV will not show the replay and the announcers are about to throw up.

In addition Baylor lost the game to OU 24 to 45. BU wins the Kiss Your Good Bowl Game Goodbye Award. Baker Mayfield is only a junior?

THE University of Texas wins the award for Not Quite Heaven, West Virginia for coming up short 24-20. The Exploding Head Coach Award goes the West Virginia’s Dana Holgorsen and the referee who refused to grant his time out request.

The Tortilla TECH kicker wins the What’s the Point Award? For missing the point after try and allowing the Oklahoma State Cowboys to escape with a one point victory – 44-45. Bedlam should be most interesting – especially since it could be for The Big 12 Championship. NOTE: Not a happy face emoticon for a team NOT from Texas winning.

The Tigers of LSU win the Bacon and Roller Skates Award for rolling over Arkansas and continuing to roll along in the SEC WEST. LSU and Arkansas 38 to10. Can we skip Thanksgiving in College Station this year?

The Clean up on Aisle Week 11 and Pepto Dismal Awards go:

Auburn – for being upset by Georgia 13 to 7. Of course any team that plays Auburn is my favorite team. Go DAWGS!

The team formerly #2 Clemson wins the It’s the Pitts Award. The kicker for Pitt wins a That’s the Point Award for making a 48 yard field goal with 5 seconds left to play.

The team formerly # 3 Michigan loses 13 to 14 over Iowa. Iowa wins The Pittsburg Steelers Look Alike Uniforms Award. The kicker for Iowa wins a That’s the Point Award! for kicking the winning field goal to upset Michigan in the final seconds.

And on the West Coast the USC Trojans of California were high and happy by upsetting the team formerly # 4 Washington 26-13. The Huskies’ dog house might be damaged for a chance at playoffs.

The November to Dismember Award goes to the Texas A&M and Ole Miss game and everybody associated with it beginning with:

Number One. Whose bright idea was it at the SEC Network to not only let Brent Mushmouth call the Aggie/Ole Miss game, but to let him work alone the first half? It made me almost glad when Jesse Palmer joined him. At least he could call (maybe even see) the correct names and numbers of the players. Brent, if you are so “glad to be back in Texas and College Station” please learn to correctly pronounce the names of the towns in Texas.

Number Two. Texas A&M and Ole Miss – Hotty Toddy Tequila Shotty!

Number Three. The Just in Time for Christmas the Collapsible Defense Doll. This doll works like a charm until the 4th quarter. Then it lies down, collapses and dies.

Number Four. The Q&A with Coach Chavis – did you fall asleep during the fourth quarter? Was it Irritable Bowel Syndrome? What the hell happened? Whatever it was it was stinky! A true freshman, just unred-shirted quarterback playing his first game and IN KYLE FIELD in front of over 100,000!! I am awarding you the Ricky Ricardo Award because “Oh Lucy! You got some splaining to do!”

As always, “Texas Aggies, down in Aggieland; we’ve got spirit – to the man; STAND UNITED that’s the Aggie theme; we’re the 12th Man on the Team…”

Twelfth Man (800x600)

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Posted in College Football, Education, humor, Misc., Native Texan, Politics, Texas Aggies

Tagged Alabama, Auburn, Baylor, Baylor Bears, Baylor football, Big 12 Conference, college football, College Football; Texas Aggies, Crimson Tide, LSU, LSU football, Oklahoma State University, Ole Miss, OU, The University of Texas

Thursday, November 10, 2016 – Here’s What I’m Thinking

Posted on November 10, 2016 | Leave a comment

Thursday, November 10, 2016 – Here’s What I’m Thinking

To be a high priestess, one must be able to handle a snake and dance with a snake.

“Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.” W.C. Fields

Dragons (800x530)

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Posted in humor, Misc.

Monday, November 7, 2016 – My Monday After Saturday College Football Awards

Posted on November 7, 2016 | Leave a comment

Monday, November 7, 2016 – My Monday After Saturday College Football Awards

Backstory for the new kids on the blog – I write about teams I like and teams that play teams I like. If your team is not mentioned let me know and I take it under consideration.

First from the West Coast – USC versus Oregon – I don’t even know the score, but you both receive the Rubber Duck Award.

Next on the list we have the Small 12 Conference or The Land of No Defenses.

THE University of Texas survived the plains of Lubbock with a victory over Tortilla Tech. (THE University 45 TT 37.) My favorite team is whoever is playing Tech. Tech (800x600)

Oklahoma State 43 K-State 37. Mullet Mike and The Cowboys survive. Both of you win a Poopy Undies Award for scaring your fans.

The Kick Off to Tip Off Awards goes to Baylor and TCU for posting a basketball score of TCU 62 Baylor 22 on the opening weekend of college basketball season. And the score was not the only Uglies coming from Waco.

An Ugly Uniform Award goes to Baylor. Fifty shades of Waco is not becoming. Gray is not colorful. Neither is black as in the black cloud of ugly that seems to be a stationary front over the institution. Therefore, Baylor also receives the Frozen Award – Let It Go!

Look, Bears Pooping in the Woods, it is bad enough without constant reminders of ugly. Please do not hang dirty laundry out your windows. Who gets the sales from the T-shirts? cab-sign-out-suit-copy-800x600 Focus on the low level bowl game invitation you will now receive.

Letting go of that, let’s move on to the Top 10 and the SEC where games are more exciting and stressful.

The Bringing Home the Alligator Bacon goes to the Hogs of Arkansas! (Arkansas 31 Florida 10) Sooey Pig over 11th ranked Florida. Another favorite team is whoever is playing any school from Florida.

To players Chip Kelly of Ole Miss; Trevor Knight and Myles Garrett of Texas A&M, the Nebraska QB and all the others: All of you receive the Heal Quickly Award. Will miss you next weekend, Chip. I wanted to see you play against the Aggies.

And now the top tiered top ten college football awards. These 10 teams are listed according to today’s AP listings. Tomorrow we see who The Selection Committee votes for the Who’s In Top Four. Larry Culpepper and Dr. Pepper seem to be winning above all the others.

# 1 Alabama and LSU – (Bama 10 – LSU 0) Please share the following awards:

Best Football Game of the Weekend
A Special Edition of Poopy Undies Award
The “I Did Not Know I Could Hold My Breath for 47 Minutes” Award.
Defense – please share your videos with schools of the schools of the Small 12 Conference and perhaps these others listed below.

# 2 Michigan Maryland (Michigan 59 MD 3.) Michigan wins the Turtle Wax Award for waxing the Terrapins. Wolverines like turtles.

# Clemson and Syracuse (Clemson 54 Syracuse 0) – Clemson Wins the Too Much Orange on the Field Award.

# 4 Washington and Cal (formerly known as Berkley.) (Washington 66 Cal 27) Huskies receive the In the Right Rankings Now Award.

# 5 Louisville and Boston College (Louisville 52 BC 7) – Lamar Looking Heisman Good Award.

# 6 Ohio State and Nebraska (Ohio State 62 Nebraska 3) – The Huskers receive the Fun While It Lasted Award. Corn headwear really looks stupid when you lose to a nut named Bucky.

The Really Don’t Deserve an Award goes to the following:

# 7 Wisconsin and Northwestern (Wisconsin 21 Northwestern 7) – Badgers preparing for a bowl game where it is warm.

# 8 AUBURN? AUBURN! A hair color? You beat Vanderbilt by a touchdown 23 – 16! ROLL TIDE!

# 9 OU versus Iowa State (OU 34 Iowa State 24) – Bedlam is coming soon and The Cowboys are coming with it!

Coming in at # 10 is Texas A&M – where the Aggies should have been in the first place. (Texas A&M 28 Mississippi State 35) What a shipwreck in Starksville.

Aggies you receive a Hoover Vacuum Cleaner Award because we sucked as bad as the referees. Even I saw the block in the back on Captain Kirk’s punt return. Aggies win Pooper Scooper Award for leaving lots of it on the field.

Pooper Scoopers (800x599)

Nevertheless, “We are the Aggies; the Aggies are we…” and we do not lose – time on the clock runs out. We got your back, Jake! barn-n-park-9-22-16-2016-09-22-041-800x530

Tomorrow we see who the College Football Selection Committee votes for and who the citizens of The United States of America votes for. Please do not forget to cast your ballot. PS – we do not get to vote with the Selection Committee.

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Posted in College Football, Education, humor, Misc., Native Texan, Politics, Texas Aggies, Uncategorized

Tagged Alabama, Auburn, Baylor, Baylor Bears, Baylor football, Big 12 Conference, college football, Crimson Tide, LSU, Oklahoma State University, TCU, Texas A&M, Texas Longhorns, Texas Tech, The University of Texas

Friday, November 4, 2016 – The Friday Football Snark – Who’s In?

Posted on November 4, 2016 | 1 comment

Friday, November 4, 2016 – The Friday Football Snark – Who’s In?

The College Football Selection Committee announced on Tuesday, “Who’s In?” These are the four football teams that would match up for a national championship if the season ended on Tuesday. But the season did not end on Tuesday. Nor will it end on Saturday, but the Who’s In can change.

Before we see Who’s In, let’s begin with Who’s UP and Who are you?

Who is (are) the Idiots of Sports Programming who schedule football games at 11:00 am in the morning?

Moving along to Who’s Out? – These are the teams currently deemed out of contention for a National Championship in college football. However, one or two may go to a nice bowl game while the remaining will play in lesser bowl games in prime vacation spots like Shreveport, Louisiana. Well, you can go to the casinos.

From the Who’s Out from the Small 12 Conference:

Falling backwards to yesterday, OU defeated Iowa State 34 to 24. Do not forget to “fall back” and set your clocks back this weekend.

Coming to you live from Lubbock, Texas at the unholy hour of 11:00 am on FS 1 THE University of Texas plays Tortilla Tech. Flying breakfast tacos. Tech (800x600)

This should be an offensive delight. Hook ‘Em Hippies!

At the reasonable hour of 2:30 FOX brings us Baylor and TCU. This would have been more exciting if last weekend had not happened to both teams.

On ABC @ 2:30 the Cowboys of Oklahoma State play the Wildkats of Kansas State. FYI, Ms. Navasota – Bill Snyder is alive. Love you, Pistol Pete!

Who’s In? And Who Could Be In?

Surprising all of football and delighting all of Aggieland, the #4 Texas A&M Aggies play the Mississippi State Bulldogs. This is at the ridiculous hour of 11:00 AM on the “you must pay for it with your cable” the SECN. One game at a time Aggies! Vote for Conner McQueen for President! Trevor Knight for VP. Platform: “Gig ‘Em!”

Following the Aggies on ESPN @ 2:30 the Terrapins of Maryland play #3 Michigan. Please, oh please – The Turtle and the Hare! Maryland, My Maryland!

At the same time (2:30) on ABC in the Game of Orange we have Syracuse and # 2 Clemson. Go Round Orange Thing!

Otto the Orange

At 5:00 we have an Aggie Women’s Basketball Exhibition Game with Oklahoma City University @ Reed Arena. Go Lashes! No TV, but most of the season is on SEC.

Lashes 2 (800x450)

Returning home just in time for an evening of excitement:

On ABC at 7:00 Nebraska plays # 6 OHIO State. Go Huskers. Nobody likes nuts in their cornbread and Ohio uses plain bread to make dressing. Dreadful!

But rocking Baton Rouge at 7:00 PM on CBS the # 1 Alabama Tide rolls into Death Valley to meet the Tigers of LSU. So sorry dear Tide friends – but I gotta go with family on this one! Tiger Boogie! GEAUX Tigers!

And should you still be awake at 9:30 the # 5 Washington Huskies play the Bears of Cal on ESPN. Go BEARS! Beer Bear

12Th Man Statue – North Entrance to Kyle Field. College Station, Texas. Photo by me.

BTHO Mississippi State!

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Posted in college basketball, College Football, humor, Misc., Native Texan, Texas Aggies

Tagged Alabama, Baylor, Baylor football, Big 12 Conference, Clemson, College Football; Texas Aggies, Crimson Tide, LSU, Michigan, Ohio State University, Oklahoma State University, The University of Texas

Thursday, November 3, 2016 – CUBS WIN!

Posted on November 3, 2016 | Leave a comment

Thursday, November 3, 2016 – CUBS WIN!

“It is a beautiful day in Chicago. Temperatures in the upper 70’s…” (Opening line from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off)

Like Ferris Bueller, I am taking the day off to celebrate the historic victory. If you see someone driving a Ferrari, please wave. Congratulations to the Chicago Cubs!