Category Archives: humor

Tuesday, October 09, 2018 – Party Goats – Rent a Goat

Posted on October 9, 2018 | Leave a comment

Tuesday, October 09, 2018 – Party Goats – Rent a Goat

Sing along and follow the bouncing animal – Come along and be my party goat; come along and be my party goat.

It is time for another public service announcement. I know I am approaching a big birthday in January and I know that many of you will also have that big birthday soon if you have not already. It is the one that beings with “Three score and ten years ago, on this day I am born” Therefore as you search for party themes and activities here is one I bet you have not thought of. I wanted to make you aware. You are welcome.

Did you see that in LA, you can rent two dwarf Nigerian party goats, named Spanky and Pippin for $99 dollars and hour?

Now who wouldn’t want a goat dressed in a pointed party hat with colorfully wrapped horns and dressed in purple velvet outfits (like Prince) at your party? In addition goats will climb on your back while you are on all fours for an Instagram moment to share. I wonder if there is photo booth with wifi.

In my family there is a family member who has a birthday in each month from October to March. Then there are Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations. Of course, we have the Astros to celebrate. There are many opportunities to have a party.

I am confident, however, that my family could secure cute party goats for significantly less than $99 per hour. I am confident that almost every member of my family knows somebody who owns goats. These people would not charge money to party with their goats as long as the goats were returned and not barbequed.

According to the article party revelers get on all fours and the goat climbs on your back. Getting on all fours and having a goat climb on your back sounds like something done in East Montgomery or Trinity County while the idiot savant plays the banjo. Not to mention there is an animal with hooves doing the samba on your back. How many tequila shots does that require?

The family does like to play games at Christmas. HWIT – Borrow a couple of goats or BYOG – Bring Your Own Goat. I’m thinking we could dress them up in battery powered festive lights with glow in the dark accessories and have goat races in the subdivision. When the police arrive and make us go inside with the goats, we get on all fours and let the goat get on our back and the people race. I can hardly wait for the goats to eat the Christmas tree.

Oh I forgot Halloween – Dressed up Goats for Trick or Treating? Who’s with me?

https://nypost.com/2018/09/26/these-goats-are-taking-over-las-party-scene/

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Monday, October 08, 2018 – My Monday After College Football Awards

Posted on October 8, 2018 | Leave a comment

Monday, October 08, 2018 – My Monday After College Football Awards

I say come along my baby, whole lotta shaking going on. And that is just in the top ten of college football.

My dear friends B and J sent a perfect YouTube that says it best about week six in college football, but before you watch it, here are my awards

To every team that played except Alabama, Clemson, Georgia, Sam Houston and Ole Miss – Poopy Undies and CPR instructions to the fans for close games and OT games. Question for Ole Miss – did the other team show up?

Let’s start with Sam Houston State and Stephen F. Austin State. In the Battle of the Piney Woods, the Bearkats beat the pine tar out of the Lumberjacks 54-21. Stephen F. Austin wins the “We Play Basketball Award.” Have you noticed Sam Houston’s orange is the same color as the TDC prisoners’? The two state institutions must get a fabric discount. Did you know the Bearkat mascot for Sam is named Sammy. The lumberjack for SFA is named The Lumberjack.

Rolling on.

Number 1 Alabama 66 and Arkansas 31 – I am awarding the Alabama Tri-Delt sorority flag football team the Defensive Award. That had to be who suited up and played to allow 31 points from Arkansas. I think the Heisman Committee should just give the entire trophy to Alabama.

Number 5 LSU 19 and Florida 27. I am giving the LSU fans My Uncle Ralph Award because that game was a four flasker. Florida? Really?

Iowa State 48 and #25 Oklahoma State 42. Pistol Pete and the Cowboys receive the Religious Defense Award because it was holy, holy, holy.

I give #3 Ohio State the Who Cares Award? Ohio State 49 Indiana 26. Basketball is just around the corner.

To THE University of Texas I award the Maybe Award. When the Horns beat West Virginia, Texas Tech and Oklahoma State, I will be convinced they are back. I also award the Horns the “2 bits, 4 bits, 6 bits and 4 Quarters Award.” Bevo, you must play all four quarters. OU just ran out of time. Texas 48 OU 45

Texas A&M 20 and number 13 Kentucky 14 in OT. To the teams of the SEC I am giving the CCR Award from the Aggies.

“I see a bad moon arising;

I see trouble on the way;

Don’t go round tonight;

It’s bound to take your life;

There’s a bad moon on the rise.”

Photo by KB

The old Aggies would not have won. Basketball season again Kentucky. I am giving the Aggies The Robert Frost Award because we still have miles to go before we sleep.

This dude says it all. Therefore, the Big Solid Award goes to Mississippi State for defeating Auburn 23 to 9. For some teams it’s a wrap and so is this post.

https://youtu.be/x67CFvHim7k

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Posted in Alabama, Coach Nick Saban, college basketball, College Football, Education, humor, Jimbo Fisher, LSU, Misc., Native Texan, Texas Aggies

Friday, October 05, 2018 – The Friday Football Snark’s Schadenfreude

Posted on October 5, 2018 | 1 comment

Friday, October 05, 2018 – The Friday Football Snark’s Schadenfreude

Let’s get this schadenfreude started with the word of the day!

Schadenfreude is a noun meaning satisfaction or pleasure felt at someone else’s misfortune. Let’s get the misfortune started early Saturday morning with:

Number 1 Alabama and number nothing Arkansas kickoff at 11:00 on ESPN. Tusk, the hog, will become Tusked, Miss Piggy by half time. The Tri Delt sorority flag football team will play the fourth quarter.

Also seeing lots of red on FOX it is the Red River Rivalry with #7 Oklahoma and # 19 THE University of Texas. “Murry, Murry, quite contrary, how many TDs will you throw?” Not happening, Sorry Horns.

Get the remote and set the screens for the 2:30 games. These are big ones.

Well, this one probably isn’t big to any groups save the fan bases. Baylor and Kansas State on FS1. Sic ‘Em Bears!

In a game of interest on ESPN it is #4 Clemson and number nothing Wake Forest. Wake Forest should pose no contest but you never know it could be Woke Forest.

On ESPN2 it is the number 25 Oklahoma State Cowboys and number nothing but always dangerous Iowa State. Mascots with names of dangerous weather patterns like cyclones or hurricanes should be banned. Also, Oklahoma State, please do not wear those ugly gray granny tights looking uniforms again. EVER!

But the biggest game of all is on CBS with #5 LSU and #22 Florida! GEAUX TIGERS! Mike the Tiger likes gator meat; tastes like chicken. I was taught early on to never pull for a team from Florida. The LSU/Florida would always be a three flasker for my uncles at the game. They would have a flask in each boot and one in each wives’ purse.

I made need the same number of flasks as Number 13 Kentucky and number nothing YET Texas A&M kick off on ESPN at 6:00. Big Blue Nation arrives in Kyle Field to meet Big Maroon 12th Man.

The University of Kentucky has three official mascots:

Blue — A live bobcat (note that in American English, “wildcat” generally refers to this particular mammal). He lives at the state-operated Salato Wildlife Education Center near Frankfort. Unlike the school’s two costumed mascots, he never attends games, because bobcats are very shy by nature and do not react well with large crowds.
- If you were a wildcat living in Kentucky wouldn’t you be very shy with crowds too?
The Wildcat — A costumed student, he made his debut in the 1976–77 school year.
- Anthropomorphic mascot. For the products of the Kentucky education systems it means “it ain’t real; it’s got on a costume; don’t shoot it.
Scratch — A later addition, he is a more child-friendly version of The Wildcat. Scratch wears his hat backwards, drinks Pepsi, and loves to party.
- There is a child-friendly wildcat?

KU fans are not able to agree on the mascot’s name either. From the unimaginative and obvious fans the mascot is called “Wildcat.” From the Possible Pepsi sponsors the mascot is called “Scratch.” Why didn’t they go with Blue – the name of their live bobcat? Sorry, I forgot. It’s Kentucky. You may be ranked number 13, but the Aggies will always be ahead of you with 12th Man.

I would be remiss if I did not include The Battle of the Piney Woods between two of my sheepskin document deliverers- Stephen F. Austin and Sam Houston State. Holding degrees from both institutions, I really have no preference as to the victor. Both schools sit “’neath Texas pines, where we’ve found peaceful shrines and every month is May.” Guess I do have a preference. Ax ‘Em Jacks! ESPN3 at 1:00

BTHO Kentucky! WHOOP!

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Posted in Alabama, College Football, college football, Education, humor, LSU, Misc., Native Texan, Texas Aggies

Tagged Big Blue Nation, college mascots, humor, Kentucky, Sam Houston State Bearkats, Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks

Tuesday, October 02, 2018 – Tuesday Thoughts and Three Things I Did Not Know

Posted on October 2, 2018 | 1 comment

Tuesday, October 02, 2018 – Tuesday Thoughts and Three Things I Did Not Know

Here are three things I did not know.

I did not know I would need to consult the Urban Dictionary to define Devil’s Triangle and Boofing when learning about a Supreme Court nominee. I wonder if those terms will be in future history books. How does a history teacher deal with these type current events? Maybe Boofing could be taught in health class. I don’t know.

All of this written in the high school yearbook and told in college antics.

The worst I have in my high school yearbook is somebody wrote about a group of us wrapping somebody’s house in toilet paper one night on Halloween. FYI – My mother already knew about it and I was pretty sure I was grounded at the time and the yearbook reminder was not needed.

For all of my high school friends and all of my college friends – especially sorority sisters and fraternity friends – please know as far as I know any one of you can qualify for the Supreme Court.

Here is another thing I did not know.

Technology has just gone bat crap crazy. There are objects called Sex Robots. When I hear the term robot, I think of R2D2 or C3PEO or even the robot maid on The Jetson’s. A sex robot brothel is trying to locate in Houston. With Houston’s no zoning laws or ordinances it will probably be located in same block as an elementary school, massage parlor, gun store and a church. I am going to have to consult The Urban Dictionary again. There are so many things I did not know about this and quite frankly I do not want to know. I am pretty sure that no one who goes there or purchases a robot will run for public office or a hold high level decision-making position. But you never know. Frankly, I would rather have a robot maid.

Here is the last thing for today that I did not know.

If you eat a chocolate cupcake with blue icing, it will turn your poo poo green. Try it and see. Made you laugh, didn’t it?

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Posted in Education, humor, Misc., Native Texan, Politics

Tagged supreme court nominee

Monday, October 1, 2018 – My Monday After College Football Awards – Week Five

Posted on October 1, 2018 | Leave a comment

Monday, October 1, 2018 – My Monday After College Football Awards – Week Five

Here we go.

Alabama 56 Louisiana 14 – I don’t know why Alabama calls its mascot The Crimson Tide. They should call it The Crimson Tsunami. Nevertheless the Cajuns could not get it raging against as the Tide rolled over them. I award Nick Saban and the team The Steam Roller Award.

West Virginia 42 Texas Tech 34 – The Almost Heaven; Burning Couches Award goes to the West Virginia Mountaineers. I so love it when Tech loses.

OU 66 Baylor 33 – The Award for Just Showing Up goes to Baylor. Obviously, Murry and the Sooners were not looking ahead.

Texas 19 K-State 14 – Really? A good away win, but it is still Kansas State. I award the Horns of THE University of Texas the Remember There Are Four Quarters to Play trophy. This will not hook em in Dallas next weekend.

Florida 13 Mississippi State 6 – Chomp! To the Bulldogs of State I give you The Calendar Award. Women’s basketball season starts soon.

LSU 45 Ole Miss 16 – I award the Tigers of LSU The Cake Award. That victory was a piece of cake. I would also like to award the Ole Miss Coach the Ugly Coaching Outfit Award. That large of a shade of red rain gear took up a large portion of my screen.

Notre Dame 38 Stanford 17 – The Not Close and No Cigar Award goes to Stanford. When did Notre Dame take mustard as one of its colors? What is the color of the ND called? Metallic Mustard? Those looked radioactive. Award to ND – Ugly Uniforms.

Ohio State 27 Penn State 26 – For the fans of Penn State, you not only receive The Poopy Undies Award, you also receive awards for

The release of several bodily fluids that accompany fits of anger and disbelief.
The fluid release of curse words streaming from your mouth fit to embarrass the 7th Fleet Navy Fleet
The Dreaded Threaded Incline Plane Award – Screwed.

Texas A&M 24 – Arkansas 17 – Also receiving multiple awards are The Aggies. First we have the Pig Sty Award. That performance looked awful. I don’t want to be singing “We are the same Aggies; the same Aggies are we.” I was not happy.

Also not happy – The Aggies receive the award for Unhappy In Your Face Coach. If Jimbo ain’t happy, then nobody is happy. I doubt Mr. Tyrel Dodson will ever make that mistake again. Note: #25 Tyrel Dodson said “I deserved it.”

https://youtu.be/th68HGl30CU

Even Reveille was not happy. “I did not sign up to sit by the pig. He stinks. I want to go home.”

The final award goes to Arkansas for the inflatable mascot. Worst Representation of Something. That is just wrong. As if the hog head hat was not enough now there is a mascot with a turd tail.

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Posted in Alabama, Coach Nick Saban, college basketball, College Football, college football, Education, humor, Jimbo Fisher, LSU, Native Texan, Texas Aggies

Tagged Arkansas football, Baylor football, Oklahoma, The University of Texas

Friday, September 28, 2018 – The Snark Arrives

Posted on September 28, 2018 | 2 comments

Friday, September 28, 2018 – The Snark Arrives

Listening to Fleetwood Mac’s – Tusk (love the drums) and making my grocery list – pork sausage; bacon, ham, chitlins, ham hocks, pig’s ears; pig’s feet. I am making breakfast brunch for the 11:00 games. Note to invited guests, I am kidding about the pig’s ears and feet. Let’s see who is on TV at that time.

On the SEC Network at 11:00 we have the # 1 Alabama Crimson Tide vs Louisiana. I think that means the Rajun Cajuns, but it could refer to the entire state of Louisiana. Oh well, they will still lose to Bama.

In a clash of orange (add orange juice to grocery) with their ugly orange anthropomorphic mascots we have Syracuse and Clemson on ABC.

ON ESPN 2 we find WVU couch burning Hillbillies and Texas Tech, Masked and Guns Up (you need to change to your mascot) Red Raiders. You can heat the thrown tortillas on WVU’s burning sofas when they win.

At 2:30 on ABC we have the Baylor Bears versus the Oklahoma Sooners. Let us pray.

Opposite the Bears and Sooners we find THE University of Texas versus K-State on FS1. Please Horns, do not blow this and look ahead to the following weekend!

On ESPN at 5:00 it is the Gators (are the Gators?) of Florida versus the Mississippi State Bulldogs. You know I never yell for a team from Florida, but will always yell for maroon and white with dogs as mascots.

On the Notre Dame network, NBC, at 6:30 we find Stanford and Notre Dame. Come on Cardinal (You know the mascot is a color or tree or a colored tree?) but come on smarty pants. Surely you can come up with some fancy electronic gadget or doodad to block out Touchdown Jesus. After all, the mosaic is on the library.

The Penn State Nittany Lions and the Ohio State seeds or fruits or whatever a Buckeye is, kick off at 6:30 on ABC. Is that what that stupid patch is on Ohio State’s helmets? Seeds? What is Ohio State going to do when no one can read cursive any more?

I will, of course, will be watching Ole Miss and LSU at 8:00 on ESPN with great, yet bittersweet memories. I will looking for you, Cousin Penny. Read yesterday’s post.

That’s it. Ready to go to grocery store. Wait. Seems as though I forgot one of my favorite teams. Well WHOOP! Texas A&M versus Arkansas plays at 11:00 am on ESPN in the neutral site of Dallas. Note to Razorbacks, there are no neutral sites when it comes to Aggies. We are everywhere.

I am sure the Razorbacks will bring their mascot. I believe the hog’s is Tusk. Why don’t you ask him if he’s going away? Just say that you want me. That’s right, Tusk, the Aggies want you!

Don’t forget champagne for mimosas and BTHO ARKANSAS!

Why don’t you ask him if he’s going to stay?
Why don’t you ask him if he’s going away?
Why don’t you tell me what’s going on?
Why don’t you tell me who’s on the phone?

Why don’t you ask him what’s going on?
Why don’t you ask him who’s the latest on his throne?
Don’t say…

Why don’t you ask him what’s going on?
Why don’t you ask him who’s the latest on his throne?
Don’t say that you love me!
Just tell me that you want me!

Tusk!
Just say that you want me
Just tell me that you

Tusk!
Tusk!
Tusk!

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Posted in Alabama, Coach Nick Saban, College Football, college football, Education, humor, Jimbo Fisher, LSU, Misc., Native Texan, Texas Aggies

Tagged college football, Fleetwood Mac Tusk, humor, Texas Aggies

Wednesday, September 26, 2018 – The Sinus Family

Posted on September 26, 2018 | Leave a comment

Wednesday, September 26, 2018 – The Sinus Family

As the old blue grass gospel song says “Everybody wants to go to Heaven, but nobody wants to die.” I do hope I get to Heaven. I work at it.

I am keeping a list of questions I would like to discuss with God when I get there. For example, is Bigfoot real or are You just messing with us? Or how about – Who really killed Jon Benet Ramsey and all the other people who are dead and nobody was held accountable? Today’s question might be – why do we humans have sinuses?

My Sinus Family heard the weatherperson just say “ragweed” on the report last night. They were so excited they immediately went into a congestion formation. The Nose Itchers launched immediately and fled into the nasal passage. The Eye Waterers filled the optic passages and turned the white of my eyes into red lines as if on a map. The Drainage Wenches are in a tickling match at the back of my throat. Of course The Congestion Queens just sat there, clogging up my sinuses passages. All of these members of the Sinus Family work to make me sleepy.

Awesome, it is now raining. Here come the Mold Mavens! I so wish I had invested in Clariton. And tissues.

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Posted in Education, humor

Posted on September 25, 2018 | Leave a comment

Tuesday, September 25, 2018 –But Auntie Delia. But Auntie Mame!

Get that Halloween stuff off of the shelves. Forget the turkey and fall stuff. Christmas Day is three months away! Let’s ensure we make Christmas as commercial as possible. I hope I hear my first carol next week that mentions snow when it is still 95 degrees in Texas. And I really hope it is one of the obnoxious ones that gives you music earworms and you cannot identify or forget. Maybe it will be those damn chipmunks.

I keep a tree up year round. Not a live one. This was my John Wayne tree from several years ago.

Then there was the Patsy Cline Shrine Tree.

This year I have had Dale’s last Christmas tree up since last Christmas. It gives a beautiful white light in the corner. It is near the refrigerator and the candy dish within easy reach for her. And yes, that is an Aggie maroon and white tree on top of the refrigerator.

I cannot believe another Christmas is three months from today.

For I’ve grown a little leaner,

Grown a little colder,

Grown a little sadder,

Grown a little older,

And I need a little angel

Sitting on my shoulder.

https://youtu.be/X6OJYTv4ipM

You sang along, didn’t you? Don’t tell me you didn’t. Have a Gleeful day.

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Posted in humor

Monday, September 24, 2018 – My Monday After College Football Awards

Posted on September 24, 2018 | Leave a comment

Monday, September 24, 2018 – My Monday After College Football Awards

Let’s step right in it and award the Sooners of OU a big Poopy Undies Award. This is for Army taking the Sooners to OT before falling 21-28.

Before we leave Games of Toilet (the original Game of Thrones) the Dismal Pepto Bismal Trophies go to:

Mississippi State as the Kentucky Wildcats upset the Bulldogs 28 to 7.
Virginia Tech as the Old Dominion Monarchs score an upset for the ages with a 49 -13 victory. Go Butterflies!
The Oklahoma State Cowboys got thrown by Texas Tech OSU 17 Tech 41. Barf!
Photo by Kristen

Oklahoma State gets The Band Award because that was really the band in those ugly gray football uniforms.
The Smarty Pants Award goes to Stanford who rose from the stacks of the library and come from behind to defeat the Ducks of Oregon 38 to 31. What color/shade of green is that Oregon? Nike should be boycotted for creating that color. Chartreuse? Puke?

Photo by Jill.

The Coming Round the Mountain Award goes to THE University of Texas. The Longhorns looked legitimate against the Horned Frogs of TCU with a 31-16 victory. Don’t use all of your electricity lighting the Tower. There is still a road of screaming red ass rednecks ahead of you in Dallas and Lubbock in October and November.

Congrats to Baylor for their victory over Kansas. The Bears, however, receive The Condolences Award because they have to play a pissed off OU team in Norman on ABC on Saturday. Watch those Army/OU films. Better yet, get the Army from down the road at Fort Hood to play and ensure your basketball tickets are renewed.

To my Tigers of LSU I give you the I Knew You Could Do It Award for your victory over LA Tech 38-21. I also give you It’s a Special Week for Tiger Football Award. There will be more about this topic during the week.

The Put a Sock in Your Mouth Award goes to Gary Danielson who was one of the talking heads in the announcers’ booth for Alabama and Texas A&M. Did Coach Saban or Coach Fisher ask what plays you would have run? You seemed to second guess both of them on almost every play. Does anyone really care what you would have done if you ran the ball, passed the ball, or caught the ball? Beth Mowens calls a better game than you do, Gary, and she never wore a jock strap.

Moving to the Alabama Texas A&M game. The score was Texas A&M and Alabama 45. You know the Aggies never lose. They just run out of time. Therefore, I am awarding The Fighting Texas Aggies a Two Year Hourglass Award. Two years from now in Tuscaloosa. We shall return.

The Aggies also receive The Roman Candle Award because there were some very nice sparks on defense and offense. It was Bama’s closest margin of victory to date. Even though Aggie QB Kellen Mond receives the Does My Butt Look Good on the Ground Award, he also receives the I Ran for Almost 100 Yards Trophy.

To Alabama and Coach Saban I award The Run and Hide Award. When they say ROLL TIDE, it means every team needs to run and hide.

Alabama also receives The Mrs. Lathram Benefactor Award. They are just that good. Let’s see how long it takes you to figure that one out. Ha!

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Posted in Alabama, Coach Nick Saban, College Football, college football, Education, humor, Jimbo Fisher, LSU, Misc., Native Texan, Texas Aggies

Saturday, September 22, 2018 – Mea Culpa; Mea Culpa Mea Maxi Mea Culpa

Posted on September 22, 2018 | Leave a comment

Saturday, September 22, 2018 – Mea Culpa; Mea Culpa; Mea Maxi Me Culpa

I apologize for not mentioning two of my favorite teams yesterday. I am going to blame it on my two and half hour wait with the unwashed masses at the DMV waiting to get my drivers’ license replaced.

Here’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

I wanted to look natural for my photo so I went directly from the gym wearing my gym clothes and the gray T-shirt I slept in the night before. Thank you, BA, for a hard workout to make me hot and sweaty when I arrived at the building. Even though I cooled off waiting for two hours, sweaty hat head provided a great hair do for the pic. I can’t wait to see it.

Upon arrival, I pulled my number from the kiosk. It was S3070. I looked at the board where the numbers to be called are displayed. They were on S3025.

Alas, it was my turn. I truly empathize with the people who do this.

Underpaid state employee: Do you have something with your photo on it?

Me: No. That is my TDL and that is why I am here. To get it replaced.

Underpaid: Your passport?

Me: No. In the box at the bank.

So I just gave her my wallet and said “What’s in my wallet?”

Underpaid: Here is your Medicare card. That will work.

Me: Big Sigh. So I gave my thumbprints, signed my name on an electronic box and had my photo made. Did I mention I have sty on my right eye? I cannot wait to see the photo.

My apologies to my fans in Louisiana and Mississippi for leaving you out on Snarky Friday. Here you go!

At 6:00 PM today on ESPNU the Tigers of LSU cupcake against the Bulldogs of LaTech. Tech XXII will be eaten by Mike VII as dessert. GEAUX Tigers!

ON ESPN2 Billy Bulldog

and the other Bulldogs of Mississippi State go up against the Wildcats of Kentucky. Bulldogs abound in the SEC, but the prettiest lady in football is Reveille.