Monthly Archives: October 2018

Tuesday, October 16, 2018 – Rainy Days and Tuesday Always Make You Get Wet

Posted on October 16, 2018 | 1 comment

Tuesday, October 16, 2018 – Rainy Days and Tuesday Always Make You Get Wet

I am so fortunate to have health benefits that allow wellness checks from my hallux to my calvaria and everything on the inside and the outside between the two body parts.

During my wellness check the doctor asked when my last hearing test was. I said, “Huh? I didn’t hear what you said.” Actually, I said “probably when I was 12 and school nurse Ruby Braswell was testing hearing that day.” So the doctor referred me to an audiologist.

I decided I really did not need to go, but then over the weekend this happened. During one of the afternoon football games a commercial for a local DNA lab came on. This is what I heard:

“Our lab offers DNA paternity testing, drug and alcohol testing, TxDot testing and lobotomy services.”

What it actually said was:

“Our lab offers DNA paternity testing, drug and alcohol testing, TxDot testing and phlebotomy services.”

Later that evening I was in the kitchen but could hear the TV. This is what I heard:

“Don’t miss J. C. Penny’s sale and buy one and get a second 20% off men’s penis.”

What the commercial actually said was:

“Don’t miss J. C. Penny’s sale and buy one and get a second 20% off men’s pants.”

My audiologist appointment is next week.

Laughing Peach cat

1 Comment

Posted in humor

Monday, October 15, 2018 – My Monday After College Football Awards for Week Seven

Posted on October 15, 2018 | Leave a comment

Monday, October 15, 2018 – My Monday After College Football Awards for Week Seven

Whoever your favorite team is that played this weekend you all receive a Poopy Undies Award for close games, overtime games, and comeback games. This includes you, Alabama. You get Poopy Undies because you only scored 39 points in the entire game when you usually score that many in the first half.

Let’s start the fanfare and celebration with THE University of Texas. A late defensive stand held off the powerhouse Baylor to give the Longhorns a win. I award them The Laughing Cow Award. It was Baylor! And the clock expired or you would have lost. And for some crazy reason the Horns are in the Top 10. There is no way The Horns can run with The Tide, the Irish, the Buckeyes, Michigan, Penn State, the Clemson Tigers or LSU ones. Enjoy while you can. There are reasons THE University is not in the SEC, the ACC or the Big 10.

I would like to award one my least favorite team, the Texas Tech Red Raiders, the Third String Grit Award for beating TCU with mostly second and third stringers playing due to injuries. And the quarterback’s last name is the same as mine and I don’t like frogs.

Meanwhile, the rest of the Big 12 conference wins The On Any Saturday Award because Iowa State can beat you. WVa 14 Iowa State 30.

Penn State and Michigan State. The Nittney Lions looked like the Ninny Lions with 19 seconds left as Michigan State scores to win 21 – 17. The Lions win the Puffy the Magic Spartan Award.

To the LSU Tigers I award the Mike the Tiger Ate My Dawg Biscuit trophy for the never even close game over Georgia. Tigers also receive the Shades of Sherman because they marched through Georgia like Athens was burning. Mike the Tiger 36 and UGA the Bulldog 16.

Tennessee Auburn –To the Tennessee Volunteers I award the Stephen Foster Award.  “I dream on Rocky Top and beat the light brown hair.” Tennessee 30 Auburn 24.

The Bunch of Bananas Award goes to Oregon for winning over Washington. I did not watch the game and turned the channel because Oregon’s bright yellow uniforms made them look like bananas running around.

Texas A&M South Carolina – To Texas Aggies I award the Nitroglycerin Award for making our hearts stop and the Self CPR Award for not breathing during the third quarter. The Aggies also receive the But It Ain’t Like Last Year Award cause we won. Aggies 26 South Carolina 23.

And now for the Exploding Head Coach Awards. Gary Patterson of TCU wins a distant second place when he exploded during the Texas Tech game. Note to equipment managers, he needs a larger pant size.

Coming in at a strong first place is the entire Florida Gators coaching staff. First we have a coach (red hat) apparently saying something to the official about “Friends and You” if I read his lips correctly.

Then the Florida head coach’s head explodes and coaches and officials are scuffling.

Then the entire Vanderbilt team rushes the field from the opposite sideline. It was just like an old fashion high school cafeteria food fight. And you wonder why we don’t like Florida. Check out the Vanderbilt ball boy. So calm. Florida 37 Vanderbilt 27.

I did not leave out Oklahoma State intentionally. I just figured the family did not want to be reminded.

See you tomorrow with whatever I am thinking.

 

Leave a comment

Posted in Alabama, Coach Nick Saban, College Football, college football, Education, humor, Jimbo Fisher, LSU, Misc., Native Texan, Texas Aggies

Sunday Morning, October 14, 2018 – Robert Edward Lee

Posted on October 14, 2018 | 3 comments

Sunday Morning, October 14, 2018 – Robert Edward Lee

As Kris Kristofferson sang I am probably wasting my time “talking to the people who don’t listen to the things that I am saying, thinking someone’s gonna care.” But I am going to try.

If the only attribute you know about Robert E. Lee is that he was a Confederate General and leader of the Confederate Army during the American Civil War, then as they say “You don’t know jack.”

Note: Academic regalia now on. I do not care if you consider your political views conservative or liberal. When one studies history, you are taught to never evaluate a time period of the past with the social values held today. It is always 20/20 vision when looking backwards in history. Therefore any statements today regarding any individual and the social mores and values of over 150 years ago should be considered null and void historically or accurately taken into the historical context of the time period.

What else do you know about Robert E. Lee? If you do have an interest in this great individual, I encourage you to read this book entitled Lee-The Last Years by Charles Bracelen Flood.

It begins when Lee leaves Appomattox and begins his journey home to Richmond on Traveller. Horse lovers, Traveller plays a critical role in Lee’s life and in history. He is mentioned prominently in the book and died shortly after his owner. Note: Lee preferred the British spelling with two “L’s” rather than the American spelling with one.

You can follow Lee’s short, but intense journey as president of Washington College in Virginia – now Washington and Lee University. The reforms he made at the college in curriculum, instruction and the educational administration of an institution of higher education were visionary and standard setting for colleges and universities of the South today.

Among the many rebuilding and reform efforts for the Commonwealth of Virginia and Washington College, he oversaw the building of the chapel on campus because he was a deeply religious man and wanted the college to reflect Christian beliefs. His angst regarding the loss of his United States’ citizenship and the constant possibility of a trial for treason certainly added to his early death.

As the author of Lee points out, “if Lee were not remembered for his military leadership, he would be remembered as a great educational leader.” Perhaps, we should try to remember him that way. It might be less dividing.

Academic regalia off now. Happy Sunday.

3 Comments

Posted in Education, Misc., Native Texan, Politics

Tagged , ,

Friday, October 12, 2018 – The College Football Snark – Week Seven

Posted on October 12, 2018 | Leave a comment

Friday, October 12, 2018 – The College Football Snark – Week Seven

Let’s begin with the Big 12 Conference, which is really only 10, but that conference name was already taken.

In the TCU Turnover Game last night against Texas Tech, the Tech QB, Jett Duffey scored the winning touchdown giving Tech a 17-14 victory. To the best of my knowledge I am not related to the young freshman quarterback as I have not done an ancestor spit test. But he is from Mansfield, Texas and that is very close to Louisiana.

Tomorrow, of slight interest we find that the Cowboys of Oklahoma State drew the black bean and play Kansas State at 11:00 on ESPNU. Yawn.

At 6:00 on FS1 the West Virginia Mountaineers travel to Ames to meet Iowa State in the What Other Games Are On contest.

Sandwiched in the middle at 2:30 on ESPN we find the Bears of Baylor and the Horns of Texas. It is THE University versus THEE University in the Battle of Road Construction on I-35. The Bears will need a miracle, but hey it has happened before.

Moving on. At 11:00 on FS1 it is Ohio State and Minnesota. Ugly uniforms on both sides.

On ESPN at 11:00 it is Florida and Vanderbilt. The poor state of Florida got slammed by Hurricane Michael. When your peninsula divides into two parts will it be like Michigan? Or will one of the land masses declare independence?

On SECN we have a pissed off for last week’s loss against Mississippi State Auburn  and Tennessee at 11:00 on the SECN. Wish that I was there on Rocky Top…

The 2:30 time slot is once again this weeks’ game winner.

There is Michigan State vs Penn State on the BTN. I was unaware there was a Big Ten Network. The Big 12 has a network too. It is called The Longhorn Network and it does not share. It also only has commercials with has been players. But you can watch the 2005 Rose Bowl as many times as you want.

I will be getting carpel thumb syndrome as I switch between games at 2:30. It is LSU and Georgia on CBS in the Redeemer and Validation Game. Come on Mike, show us what you got. GEAUX TIGERS!

The other time slot finds the Fighting Texas Aggies versus the Gamecocks of South Carolina on SECN. Note to Uncle Will Muschamp – You will really have to work to get an Exploding Head Coach Award on Monday in order to beat Gary Patterson of TCU last night. Yes, there will be a photo on Monday. And yes, Gary, those pants make your butt look big. This just in from Reveille “I am not sitting for a photo op with the chicken. But I can chase it off the field if you like.”

At 6:00 on ESPN the Tide of Alabama rolls over and drowns the Tigers of Missouri. If Missouri scores 31 points on the Alabama defense, I’m pretty sure Coach Saban’s head will explode too.

I actually had a Nick Saban moment yesterday. Suddenly while in Academy I heard,

“Young Lady? Are you really going to spend almost $40.00 for that Astros T-shirt? Something that you might wear once or twice at tops?”

Me: Yeah. You’re probably right.

Saban: I probably am.

Me: I’ll wait for the 2018 World Series Winners T-shirt.”

Houston Astros and Boston Red Sox on TBS at 7:09.

BTHO South Carolina!

Saturday Socks.

Leave a comment

Posted in Alabama, College Football, college football, Education, humor, LSU, Native Texan, Texas Aggies

Tagged , , , , , ,

Thursday, October 11, 2018 – Fall!

Posted on October 11, 2018 | Leave a comment

Thursday, October 11, 2018 – Fall!

Photo by me – Soldatna, Alaska 2014

Finally, the hinges of Hell begin to cool in Texas. I think October might be one of my favorite months. It probably comes in third after December and January. Those two months involve presents to me for Christmas and birthday.

In October the temperatures are cooler; the humidity is lower and the weather is usually nice. Except of course when your state is flooded by hurricanes.

And then there are sports. College football teams begin to see who is for real and who moves on to basketball. I would not be so excited about the baseball playoff were it not for the Houston Astros. I am ready for a repeat. I know HB and Dale Marie are lining up the wins for them from Above.

Not my photo, but I have many and any camera can get such incredible photos.

An October event that is a bucket list item must is the Hot Air Balloon Festival in Albuquerque, New Mexico. This year is the 47th Annual Balloon Festival and the theme is Carry Me Away. The scene is so spectacular it must be experienced. I am ready to go back. Road Trip Next Year??? The festival is the first two weeks in October.

The Football Snark comes tomorrow. But it’s fall. Let’s have an early snark.

Texas Tech and TCU tonight on ESPN at 6:30 in Amon G. Carter Stadium inFort Worth. Throw your tortillas at the choo-choo frog train Tech. FYI Tech that is the train that runs with each TCU TD. I hope you hear many times.

Leave a comment

Posted in college basketball, College Football, Education, humor, Native Texan

Wednesday, October 10, 2018 – This Little Light of Mine

Posted on October 10, 2018 | Leave a comment

Wednesday, October 10, 2018 – This Little Light of Mine

You know I am not handy with anything other than a pencil. But I bought this solar decoration to light the street number of my house. I live in a 55 and older community and I figured this would help the ambulance drivers and first responders find you. Since all of the houses look alike, I can find mine quickly. Hopefully others can too.

The solar light required some assembly.

I did ok on the first three steps.

Step 1: Apply your custom address numbers to the front of the plaque.

Step 2: Install the Green Solar Rechargeable Batteries that are included inside the box, and the reinstall the battery compartment door.

Step 3: Remove the clear plastic film from the solar panel.

It was Step 4 where I got lost.

Step 4 – Pre-Dig a hole deep enough insert the plastic ground stake. Exactly how does one pre – dig a hole?

This must have been something taught in shop class that I did not get to take in school. I tried to pre-dig a hole, but each time I pre –dug it became a hole. Perhaps if the instructions had said “Dig a hole.” I would not be so confused.

If you know to pre-dig a hole, please post the instructions.

Leave a comment

Posted in Education, humor, Native Texan

Tuesday, October 09, 2018 – Party Goats – Rent a Goat

Posted on October 9, 2018 | Leave a comment

Tuesday, October 09, 2018 – Party Goats – Rent a Goat

Sing along and follow the bouncing animal – Come along and be my party goat; come along and be my party goat.

It is time for another public service announcement. I know I am approaching a big birthday in January and I know that many of you will also have that big birthday soon if you have not already. It is the one that beings with “Three score and ten years ago, on this day I am born” Therefore as you search for party themes and activities here is one I bet you have not thought of. I wanted to make you aware. You are welcome.

Did you see that in LA, you can rent two dwarf Nigerian party goats, named Spanky and Pippin for $99 dollars and hour?

Now who wouldn’t want a goat dressed in a pointed party hat with colorfully wrapped horns and dressed in purple velvet outfits (like Prince) at your party? In addition goats will climb on your back while you are on all fours for an Instagram moment to share. I wonder if there is photo booth with wifi.

In my family there is a family member who has a birthday in each month from October to March. Then there are Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations. Of course, we have the Astros to celebrate. There are many opportunities to have a party.

I am confident, however, that my family could secure cute party goats for significantly less than $99 per hour. I am confident that almost every member of my family knows somebody who owns goats. These people would not charge money to party with their goats as long as the goats were returned and not barbequed.

According to the article party revelers get on all fours and the goat climbs on your back. Getting on all fours and having a goat climb on your back sounds like something done in East Montgomery or Trinity County while the idiot savant plays the banjo. Not to mention there is an animal with hooves doing the samba on your back. How many tequila shots does that require?

The family does like to play games at Christmas. HWIT – Borrow a couple of goats or BYOG – Bring Your Own Goat. I’m thinking we could dress them up in battery powered festive lights with glow in the dark accessories and have goat races in the subdivision. When the police arrive and make us go inside with the goats, we get on all fours and let the goat get on our back and the people race. I can hardly wait for the goats to eat the Christmas tree.

Oh I forgot Halloween – Dressed up Goats for Trick or Treating? Who’s with me?

https://nypost.com/2018/09/26/these-goats-are-taking-over-las-party-scene/

Leave a comment

Posted in humor

Monday, October 08, 2018 – My Monday After College Football Awards

Posted on October 8, 2018 | Leave a comment

Monday, October 08, 2018 – My Monday After College Football Awards

I say come along my baby, whole lotta shaking going on. And that is just in the top ten of college football.

My dear friends B and J sent a perfect YouTube that says it best about week six in college football, but before you watch it, here are my awards

To every team that played except Alabama, Clemson, Georgia, Sam Houston and Ole Miss – Poopy Undies and CPR instructions to the fans for close games and OT games. Question for Ole Miss – did the other team show up?

Let’s start with Sam Houston State and Stephen F. Austin State. In the Battle of the Piney Woods, the Bearkats beat the pine tar out of the Lumberjacks 54-21. Stephen F. Austin wins the “We Play Basketball Award.” Have you noticed Sam Houston’s orange is the same color as the TDC prisoners’? The two state institutions must get a fabric discount. Did you know the Bearkat mascot for Sam is named Sammy. The lumberjack for SFA is named The Lumberjack.

Rolling on.

Number 1 Alabama 66 and Arkansas 31 – I am awarding the Alabama Tri-Delt sorority flag football team the Defensive Award. That had to be who suited up and played to allow 31 points from Arkansas. I think the Heisman Committee should just give the entire trophy to Alabama.

Number 5 LSU 19 and Florida 27. I am giving the LSU fans My Uncle Ralph Award because that game was a four flasker. Florida? Really?

Iowa State 48 and #25 Oklahoma State 42. Pistol Pete and the Cowboys receive the Religious Defense Award because it was holy, holy, holy.

I give #3 Ohio State the Who Cares Award? Ohio State 49 Indiana 26. Basketball is just around the corner.

To THE University of Texas I award the Maybe Award. When the Horns beat West Virginia, Texas Tech and Oklahoma State, I will be convinced they are back. I also award the Horns the “2 bits, 4 bits, 6 bits and 4 Quarters Award.” Bevo, you must play all four quarters. OU just ran out of time. Texas 48 OU 45

Texas A&M 20 and number 13 Kentucky 14 in OT. To the teams of the SEC I am giving the CCR Award from the Aggies.

“I see a bad moon arising;

I see trouble on the way;

Don’t go round tonight;

It’s bound to take your life;

There’s a bad moon on the rise.”

 

Photo by KB

The old Aggies would not have won. Basketball season again Kentucky. I am giving the Aggies The Robert Frost Award because we still have miles to go before we sleep.

This dude says it all. Therefore, the Big Solid Award goes to Mississippi State for defeating Auburn 23 to 9. For some teams it’s a wrap and so is this post.

https://youtu.be/x67CFvHim7k

 

Leave a comment

Posted in Alabama, Coach Nick Saban, college basketball, College Football, Education, humor, Jimbo Fisher, LSU, Misc., Native Texan, Texas Aggies

Friday, October 05, 2018 – The Friday Football Snark’s Schadenfreude

Posted on October 5, 2018 | 1 comment

Friday, October 05, 2018 – The Friday Football Snark’s Schadenfreude

Let’s get this schadenfreude started with the word of the day!

Schadenfreude is a noun meaning satisfaction or pleasure felt at someone else’s misfortune. Let’s get the misfortune started early Saturday morning with:

Number 1 Alabama and number nothing Arkansas kickoff at 11:00 on ESPN. Tusk, the hog, will become Tusked, Miss Piggy by half time. The Tri Delt sorority flag football team will play the fourth quarter.

Also seeing lots of red on FOX it is the Red River Rivalry with #7 Oklahoma and # 19 THE University of Texas. “Murry, Murry, quite contrary, how many TDs will you throw?” Not happening, Sorry Horns.

Get the remote and set the screens for the 2:30 games. These are big ones.

Well, this one probably isn’t big to any groups save the fan bases. Baylor and Kansas State on FS1. Sic ‘Em Bears!

In a game of interest on ESPN it is #4 Clemson and number nothing Wake Forest. Wake Forest should pose no contest but you never know it could be Woke Forest.

On ESPN2 it is the number 25 Oklahoma State Cowboys and number nothing but always dangerous Iowa State. Mascots with names of dangerous weather patterns like cyclones or hurricanes should be banned. Also, Oklahoma State, please do not wear those ugly gray granny tights looking uniforms again. EVER!

But the biggest game of all is on CBS with #5 LSU and #22 Florida! GEAUX TIGERS! Mike the Tiger likes gator meat; tastes like chicken. I was taught early on to never pull for a team from Florida. The LSU/Florida would always be a three flasker for my uncles at the game. They would have a flask in each boot and one in each wives’ purse.

I made need the same number of flasks as Number 13 Kentucky and number nothing YET Texas A&M kick off on ESPN at 6:00. Big Blue Nation arrives in Kyle Field to meet Big Maroon 12th Man.

The University of Kentucky has three official mascots:

  • Blue — A live bobcat (note that in American English, “wildcat” generally refers to this particular mammal). He lives at the state-operated Salato Wildlife Education Center near Frankfort. Unlike the school’s two costumed mascots, he never attends games, because bobcats are very shy by nature and do not react well with large crowds.
    • If you were a wildcat living in Kentucky wouldn’t you be very shy with crowds too?
  • The Wildcat — A costumed student, he made his debut in the 1976–77 school year.
    • Anthropomorphic mascot. For the products of the Kentucky education systems it means “it ain’t real; it’s got on a costume; don’t shoot it.
  • Scratch — A later addition, he is a more child-friendly version of The Wildcat. Scratch wears his hat backwards, drinks Pepsi, and loves to party.
    • There is a child-friendly wildcat?

KU fans are not able to agree on the mascot’s name either. From the unimaginative and obvious fans the mascot is called “Wildcat.” From the Possible Pepsi sponsors the mascot is called “Scratch.” Why didn’t they go with Blue – the name of their live bobcat? Sorry, I forgot. It’s Kentucky. You may be ranked number 13, but the Aggies will always be ahead of you with 12th Man.

I would be remiss if I did not include The Battle of the Piney Woods between two of my sheepskin document deliverers- Stephen F. Austin and Sam Houston State. Holding degrees from both institutions, I really have no preference as to the victor. Both schools sit “’neath Texas pines, where we’ve found peaceful shrines and every month is May.” Guess I do have a preference. Ax ‘Em Jacks! ESPN3 at 1:00

BTHO Kentucky! WHOOP!

 

1 Comment

Posted in Alabama, College Football, college football, Education, humor, LSU, Misc., Native Texan, Texas Aggies

Tagged , , , , ,

Tuesday, October 02, 2018 – Tuesday Thoughts and Three Things I Did Not Know

Posted on October 2, 2018 | 1 comment

Tuesday, October 02, 2018 – Tuesday Thoughts and Three Things I Did Not Know

Here are three things I did not know.

I did not know I would need to consult the Urban Dictionary to define Devil’s Triangle and Boofing when learning about a Supreme Court nominee. I wonder if those terms will be in future history books. How does a history teacher deal with these type current events? Maybe Boofing could be taught in health class. I don’t know.

All of this written in the high school yearbook and told in college antics.

The worst I have in my high school yearbook is somebody wrote about a group of us wrapping somebody’s house in toilet paper one night on Halloween. FYI – My mother already knew about it and I was pretty sure I was grounded at the time and the yearbook reminder was not needed.

For all of my high school friends and all of my college friends – especially sorority sisters and fraternity friends – please know as far as I know any one of you can qualify for the Supreme Court.

Here is another thing I did not know.

Technology has just gone bat crap crazy. There are objects called Sex Robots. When I hear the term robot, I think of R2D2 or C3PEO or even the robot maid on The Jetson’s. A sex robot brothel is trying to locate in Houston. With Houston’s no zoning laws or ordinances it will probably be located in same block as an elementary school, massage parlor, gun store and a church. I am going to have to consult The Urban Dictionary again. There are so many things I did not know about this and quite frankly I do not want to know. I am pretty sure that no one who goes there or purchases a robot will run for public office or a hold high level decision-making position. But you never know. Frankly, I would rather have a robot maid.

Here is the last thing for today that I did not know.

If you eat a chocolate cupcake with blue icing, it will turn your poo poo green. Try it and see. Made you laugh, didn’t it?

1 Comment

Posted in Education, humor, Misc., Native Texan, Politics

Tagged