Category Archives: humor

Friday, September 21, 2018 – Friday Football Snark

Posted on September 22, 2018 | 1 comment

Friday, September 21, 2018 – Friday Football Snark

The Friday Football Snark is running way behind, but FFS does have a new TDL replacing the one l-0-s-t. It only took two and half hours.

Let us fall in with the Who Cares? Category

Tonight we have FAU and UCF on ESPN at 6:00. More schools from Florida.

At 8:00 on FS1 the alma mater of Lt. Colonel, Henry Blake, Illinois, plays Penn State. Henry taped the wrong ankle of the team’s running back. Pretty sure wrong or correct ankle tape will not help the Illini tonight.

No one worth watching at 11:00 Saturday morning. The teams I like begin at 2:30.

At 2:30 on FS1 we find Baylor and Kansas in what could prove to be a deluge of really wet water in Waco. But you know how those Baptists like to dunk.

Also falling into a possible deluge of really wet water further down I-35 THE University of Texas plays TCU in Austin. It could be a Frog strangler if you are not careful T. Kickoff is set for 3:30 on Fox.

On the CBS the game of the week is Number one ranked Alabama verses Number 22 and hopefully Aggie 2.0 version which means new and improved Texas A&M – also known as the Nick and Jimbo Show.

Getting Jimbo’s autograph. Hope it becomes more valuable that Johnny’s

I will construct my BTHO Bama shrine tonight. I have helmet with Johnny Manzeil’s autograph. I understand it could be worth $5.25 in Canadian money.

Currently the spread is 26.0. I think it will be a much closer game than that. Of course, I have thought that about the Aggies since 1980 when I first drank the maroon the Kool-Aid.

Both defenses are very religious. They are both very holy and could present some issues. What can and will Mr. Mond do with his feet?

Can you catch Trayveon?

The Aggies are coming and we’re bringing yardsticks with us to see how Jimbo and the team measure up. Start Rolling Tide. We are coming after you!

BTHO ALABAMA

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Posted in Alabama, Coach Nick Saban, College Football, college football, Education, humor, Jimbo Fisher, Misc., Native Texan, Texas Aggies

Monday, September 17, 2018 – My Monday After College Football Awards

Posted on September 17, 2018 | 1 comment

Monday, September 17, 2018 – My Monday After College Football Awards

Review: I write about the teams I like and teams that play teams I like.

So On Wisconsin to accept your Poopy Undies Award for losing to BYU 21-24.

The Wisconsin kicker who missed the game tying field goal to go to overtime receives The Hooked Left Award. This comes with a Bless Your Heart Certificate.

Also receiving a Poopy Undies Award are the Tigers of LSU and their fans. Nevertheless, a win over Auburn is worth it.

The Best Kick of the Day goes to the LSU kicker for kicking the game winning field goal with two seconds on the clock. LSU 22-Auburn 21.

It was not close enough for Poopy Undies but I am awarding the Grab Your Beads Award to Notre Dame for allowing Vanderbilt to come close. ND – 22 Vandy 17.

The One Kick Off Wonder Award goes to Ole Miss for their one and only score against Alabama. Tide 62 – Ole Miss 7. Rumors abound that Coach Saban put in the women’s soccer team; the tuba section of the band and two cheerleaders in the fourth quarter.

Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi State all share the We Scored Lots of Points and Win Big Award.

Baylor lost to Duke in what was not even close in The Baptists and Blue Devil Bowl. BU 27 Duke 40. I supposed the Blue Devil thing extends beyond Wake Forest. (See last Friday) It will be ok; Baylor, Kansas is next weekend. What? Kansas scored 55 points against Rutgers? I don’t know if Kansas scored 55 points last season in four games. Rock Chalk Jayhawk could cause some problems in Waco land.

Congrats to THE University of Texas for their win over USC 37 -14. However, I award the Horns The Ugly Uniform Award. Tradition is one thing, but uniforms that look like 1956 are another. They just look old.

Ohio State achieved The Revenge on The Little Sisters of the Poor Award by a 40 to 28 win over TCU. Watch out Texas the Frogs will be spitting mad next weekend. And their uniforms are prettier.

The Best Play of Any Football Game of the Weekend Award goes to University of North Texas for the fake fair catch and then touchdown run. Even if you have seen it, it is still fun to watch. The School Yard Play Award to UNT!

That means Arkansas gets The Our Face is as Red as Our Uniforms Award. Meanwhile the Eagles turned the Arkansas Hogs into a pig sty with a 44 to 17 win.

https://www.sbnation.com/college-football/2018/9/16/17864636/north-texas-fake-fair-catch-punt-return-td

The Throw Back to Last Year Award goes to the Texas Aggies. You looked like last year’s Aggies. This will not play well in Tuscaloosa next weekend. However, let us not forget the Aggies had FOUR touchdowns recalled. The score ended 48 to 10 over University Louisiana Monroe.

My last award of the day goes to the two mouths talking in the SEC announcer booth for the Aggies and Monroe game. Quite simply – YOU BOTH SUCK! You are supposed to call the football game. Instead you spent the entire fourth quarter talking:

  • Over the referee’s calls
  • While players are injured on the field
  • About personal stories of people and things nobody knows or cares about
  • Your impressions of all the Aggie and Warhawk football players you met during the week

With each play, instead of calling the play, you both gave your biased analysis of how that play or that player will do against Alabama next week. Granted, I do not know Coach Nick Saban. But here’s what I’m thinking. If Coach Saban wanted or needed your opinions, he would have already asked you and you would not be sitting in an announcing both doing a crappy job.

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Posted in Alabama, Coach Nick Saban, College Football, college football, Education, humor, Jimbo Fisher, LSU, Misc., Native Texan, Texas Aggies

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Friday, September 14, 2018 – Snarky Friday – College Football’s Most Valuable Team

Posted on September 15, 2018 | Leave a comment

Friday, September 14, 2018 – Snarky Friday – College Football’s Most Valuable Team

My apologies for running late with Snarky Friday. But at least I am still running.

It is Snarky Friday and let’s begin with a huge SNARK because there is a new dollar bill in town. Forbes Magazine states that college football’s most valuable team is:

Texas A&M University

So much for Bevo being the cash cow. The 148 million average annual revenue of Texas A&M is the largest in the nation. If you live anywhere but Austin, the media states that THE University of Texas’ annual revenue of 133 million, is a “distance second.” If you live in Austin, the media states it is a “close second.” It must some kind of new math they teach in Austin.

Speaking of increasing revenue, the Aggies will increase the revenue and warm up Saturday night against University of Louisiana Monroe. FYI – for those of you unfamiliar with the state of Louisiana Monroe is a fancy place in North Louisiana. If I understand correctly, do not confuse Monroe with West Monroe. One is fancier than the other.

THE University of Texas will have fond memories of USC from 2005, but that will be all the Horns will have. They kickoff at 7:00 on Fox.

While there are games at 11:00 they fall into the “I do not care category.” The real games are in the afternoon. Let’s start at 2:30 on CBS where we find the Tigers of LSU against the Tigers of Auburn. Geaux Tigers. LSU has a real tiger while Auburn is named for a hair color and has an anthropomorphic tiger.

Also at 2:30 on ESPN we have the Oklahoma State Cowboys against the Broncos of Boise State. If this game is on that blue field with the OSU orange it will be color blinding and nauseating. Go Pokes.

Baylor gets to play Duke on FS1 at 2:30. Did you know that the Duke mascot of Blue Devils is a result of a vote in 1923 partly to anger the Baptists of Wake Forest? Sic ‘Em Bears!

http://www.goduke.com/ViewArticle.dbml?DB_OEM_ID=4200&ATCLID=242333

At 3:15 on Fox with lots of red colors, Major Applewhite takes his University of Houston Cougars team against Kliff Kingsbury’s Texas Tech Raiders. Go Shasta.

Ohio State and TCU play at 7:00 on ABC. I had no idea there was such rivalry between these two teams dating back to 2010. It started when the president of Ohio State suggested the only reason the Frogs were undefeated was because they play the “Little Sisters of the Poor.” Then when TCU defeated Wisconsin in the Rose Bowl, TCU alums placed digital billboards around Columbus, Ohio that read:

CONGRATULATIONS TO TCU

For their BCS Rose Bowl Victory – Little Sisters of the Poor.

Go Frogs.

And last, but in no way least, at 6:00 on ESPN the Rebels of Ole Miss go up against The Tide of Alabama. While the Tide will roll, the Rebels could provide some grief. Therefore, I am awarding a Potential Poopy Undies to the Bama Fans. This is not for a loss, but for plays that will scare you. Hotty Toddy!

BTHO Louisiana Monroe

I wonder who the Aggies play next week.

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Posted in Alabama, Coach Nick Saban, College Football, college football, Education, humor, Jimbo Fisher, LSU, Misc., Native Texan, Texas Aggies

Thursday, September 13, 2018 – Here Comes the Rain Again

Posted on September 13, 2018 | Leave a comment

Thursday, September 13, 2018 – Here Comes the Rain Again

Here comes the rain again
Falling on my head like a memory
Falling on my head like a new emotion
I want to walk in the open wind
I want to talk like lovers do
I want to dive into your ocean
Is it raining with you

Actually, Anne Lennox and Eurythmics, I do not think you want to talk in the open wind with the rain falling. The rain falling on the Texas coast is a memory of Hurricane Ike ten years ago today and Hurricane Harvey last year. And now there is Florence along the East Coast.

Nevertheless, the video with Anne Lennox is haunting as she is. I never did figure out the guy in the Eurythmics, but her voice is great. Enjoy.

One more thought for the day. I bought this tube of Chapstick this morning. The packaging said it was “age defying.” So I rubbed it all over my body. I’ll get back to you with the results.

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Posted in humor, Misc., Native Texan

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Posted on September 13, 2018 | Leave a comment

Wednesday, September 12, 2018 –Florence and I Can Name That Poem in Nine Words

“Water, water, everywhere,

And all the boards did shrink;

Water, water, everywhere,

Nor any drop to drink.”

If you said Rime of the Ancient Mariner, you are correct. You win an all-expense paid trip to Puerto Rico. Now for the trip to the Kentucky coast following Hurricane Florence, name the author.

As we have been informed Hurricane Florence is “big and wet.” I am certainly not a meteorologist, but I do not think I have ever heard of a “dry hurricane.” I have heard of “dry heaves” from a hurricane.

I Googled (I hate it when a noun turns into a verb) “water gods and goddesses” to find there are hundreds from different cultures. I was hoping to find something the residents and soon to be former residents of Florence’s targeted areas could lash out in anger.

The closest I found was the ancient Greeks who would tell you that the God on which to pin the stormy weather would be Poseidon, God of the Sea. According to Greek mythology, Poseidon lost a battle of wits against Athena, the Goddess of Wisdom and Skill. It seems that Poseidon and Athena were asked to present gifts to the citizens of Athens. Poseidon gave the Athenians rivers of salty water and maybe rolls of paper towels. Athena gave them an olive tree symbolizing peace that brought them wood, oil and food.

I am sure there is an important parallel in there somewhere. Nevertheless the East Coast is readying for a true Poseidon adventure. This one is bringing sharks! If only there were wisdom and skill.

Ask the Texas Gulf Coast from last year, these are big-ass and bad-ass storms. Stay safe.

The author of the Rime of the Ancient Mariner is Samuel Taylor Coleridge.

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/43997/the-rime-of-the-ancient-mariner-text-of-1834

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Posted in Education, humor, Native Texan, Politics

Monday, September 10, 2018 – Monday After College Football Awards

Posted on September 10, 2018 | Leave a comment

Monday, September 10, 2018 – Monday After College Football Awards

Goodness gracious, great balls of football. As I mentioned last Friday the only game of significance was in Kyle Field between Clemson and Texas A&M. It was worth waiting for all day.

Before we get to that game there are a few other schools to receive awards. May I have the envelopes, please?

The Where’s the Defense Award goes to all of the schools that beat their opponent by 40 points or more. That was pretty much everybody of interest.

The Finally Award goes to Kentucky for finally beating Florida 27 to 16. Of course, I like any team that beats Florida.

The You Have to Play Four Quarters Award goes to THE University of Texas for allowing Tulsa to stay in the game. Yes, The Horns are back – back to just like last year and the year before that and … Texas 28 Tulsa 21. Pre Snarky Friday – Memories will not suffice for USC next Saturday.

The You Can’t Go Home Again Award goes to Coach Kevin Sumlin and the Arizona Wildcats. University of Houston 45 Arizona 18.

The most awards goes to the teams and coaches in the best game of the week.

The Poopy Undies and Where’s the Defibulator Awards goes to the Clemson Tigers and the Texas Aggies. These awards are presented to both teams for scaring the fan bases and creating needs for CPR.

The Decibel Doubting Dabo Award goes to Clemson coach, Dabo Swinny for doubting the decibel level of The 12th Man in Kyle Field would make a difference.

The Exploding Head Coach Award goes to Jimbo Fisher for screaming at the officiating crew from the Stevie Wonder School for Referring Controversy. Yes, there were bad calls on both teams, but the two worst (no flag on Clemson pass interference and then the turnover costing pylon call) were difference makers.

The Not Your Father’s Oldsmobile or Your Father’s Aggies Award goes to The Fighting Texas Aggies. Time definitely ran out before victory could be achieved.

The Danger, Danger, Will Robinson Award goes to the rest of the SEC from The Fighting Texas Aggies.

Happy Monday!

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Posted in Alabama, Coach Kevin Sumlin, Coach Nick Saban, college football, Education, humor, Jimbo Fisher, LSU, Misc., Native Texan, Texas Aggies

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Friday, September 7, 2018 – Snarky Friday Presents

Posted on September 7, 2018 | Leave a comment

Friday, September 7, 2018 – Snarky Friday Presents

For your Friday pre college football weekend we proudly present The Dancing Snarketts under the direction of Lula Bell Snark.

The Eyes of Texas may be upon Bevo’s Boys in Austin, but the eyes of college football will be on Kyle Field in College Station at 6:00 Saturday night. There is only one college football game of any significance and that is Clemson and Texas A&M. It is a show time for two Land Grant schools. It will be a Bo Battle as DaBO from Clemson meets JimBO from Texas A&M.

ESPN College Game is in town. Before you ask, I am not going to Game Day. Even though Kirk Herbstreit is a favorite, I am not going to be in the pit at 6:00 AM. The team will be dining on the fabulous C&J Barbeque. Great job to the Manning Family – the barbeque Mannings, not the football Mannings.

I am certain Coach Coursehead will put the Clemson mascot head on noting a win for the team. Clemson’s mascot is one of those anthropomorphic mascots. That means it is a person dressed up in a furry costume and not a real animal. Not only is that boring, the mascot’s name is Tiger. Clemson stole the tiger mascot idea from Auburn when Walter Merritt Riggs – father of Clemson football – came to the university in 1910. FYI – The Aggies have a real animal and her name is Reveille and she has a raincoat.

Until the mid-1970’s Clemson’s mascot on the sidelines was called The Country Gentleman. It was a top-hatted character with a tiger head in a purple tail coat, with a cane representing Southern hospitality. Since the description is nearly identical to the first result when you perform a Google Image search for “pimp outfit,” one can see why this mascot when away. https://www.elevenwarriors.com/college-sports/2016-fiesta-bowl/2016/12/78234/clemsons-mascot-is-as-terrifying-as-it-is-unimaginative

Dancing on down the field with the Snarketts, the big snark goes to the weather forecast. Rain? Really? Thunderstorms and lighting and raining at game time will yield the dreaded Weather Delay.

Buck up Sissy Pants. I stood in Kyle Field in 1982 when Baylor and Texas A&M played in a monsoon. Baylor whipped the Aggies and every time the Bears scored there was thunder and lightning in the end zone. Oh well, it rains on both sides of the ball.

Please note if the field is wet, The Dancing Snarketts will not perform.

BTHO Clemson

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Posted in College Football, college football, Education, humor, Jimbo Fisher, Misc., Native Texan, Texas Aggies

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Thursday, September 6, 2018 – Betty Lou Thelma Liz

Posted on September 6, 2018 | Leave a comment

Thursday, September 6, 2018 – Betty Lou Thelma Liz

This morning my trainer, BA, said, “Now up against the wall.” I replied “Red-Neck Mother.” When she looked at me with a clueless expression, I knew it was time for “Emergency Educational Intervention.”

Therefore, here’s what I’m thinking. I must publish this learning plan, with multimedia, to provide the necessary knowledge to the young people of Texas and abroad.

Here is my lesson plan.

Learning objective: At the conclusion of the video BA will be able to sing all of the words to the bar and party anthem of the 1970’s and beyond , Jerry Jeff Walker’s,

Up Against the Wall Red Neck Mother

Evaluation: After two margarita’s BA will be able to take over any amateur, Saturday night band in a honkytonk in Texas – just as those who shall remain nameless did long ago. Do not try to say you were not there. We were a hit at Henry’s for Genevieve’s Birthday – even though we never knew who Genevieve was.

Cue audio/visual:

Published on Sep 5, 2012

Jerry Jeff Walker
Vergennes VT
June 16, 2000

Many of you will notice the lyrics have been updated and are not as political as when Ray Willie Hubbard wrote the song and Jerry Jeff Walker sang it in 1973. BA, in the original version “H” was for Haggard, as in Merle.

Up Against TheWall Redneck

Jerry Jeff Walker

He was born in Oklahoma
And his wife’s name is Betty Lou Thelma Liz
He’s not responsible for what he’s doing
His mother made him what he is

And it’s up against the wall, redneck mother
Mother who has raised her son so well
He’s thirty four and drinkin’ in a honky tonk
Just kickin’ hippies’ asses and raisin’ hell

Sure does like his Falstaff beer
He likes to chase it down with that Wild Turkey liquor
He drives a ’57 GMC pickup truck
Got a gun rack
“A Goat Roper needs love too” sticker

And it’s up against the wall, redneck mother
Mother who has raised her son so well
He’s thirty four drinkin’ in a honky tonk
Kickin’ hippies’ asses and raisin’ hell, ah pick

Ah play it for mama

M is for the mud flaps she gave me for my pickup truck
O is…

M is for the mud flaps she gave me for my pickup truck
O is for the oil I put on my hair
T is for T-Bird
H is for Haggard
E is for Eggs
And R is for Redneck

Up against the wall, redneck mother
Mother who has raised her son so well
He’s thirty four and drinkin’ in a honky tonk
Kickin’ hippies’ asses and raisin’ hell, let’s go

Yeah and it’s up against the wall, redneck mother
Mother who has raised her son so well
He’s thirty four drinkin’ in a honky tonk
Kickin’ hippies’ asses and raisin’ hell

What’s that spell, let’s go get Oklahoma USA

I believe this version is still sung at The Dixie Chicken, BTHO Clemson!

 

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Tuesday, September 4, 2018 – Your Fashion Police Service Announcement

Posted on September 4, 2018 | 1 comment

Tuesday, September 4, 2018 – Your Fashion Police Service Announcement

I am a graduate of the Austin, Texas Citizens Police Academy and a graduate of the State Office Workers Fashion Police Academy- SOWFPA.

This little known organization, SOWFPA, conducts evaluations at various conferences and gatherings throughout the year and pretty much everywhere else there are people wearing clothes. There are certain categories, including, but not limited to, the following:

  • Best use of fabric originally designed as upholstery,
  • Best use of wild patterns and/or colors on blouses and shirts for seizure inducing episodes,
  • Best floral arrangement displayed on a fabric,
  • Best use of fabric designed after a wild animal,
  • Best use of evening wear in a day time setting,
  • Best cocktail ensemble in a day time setting,
  • Best use of leather and not riding a motorcycle,
  • Best use of polyesters, and
  • Best thing on your head whatever it may be – hat, wig, extensions, beads, ribbons, bows, tiaras, feathers, glitter, etc.

Here’s what I’m thinking. Given my extensive experience in fashion evaluation, I am more than qualified to provide this fashion public service announcement. Ready?

Today is the day after Labor Day. That means NO white clothing should be worn. It is a well-known rule in the South known by all Southern Ladies that one does not wear white shoes, white pants, white, cropped pants, white shorts or white dresses until Easter. 2019. If I see you wearing white, it will be necessary to report you to the Fashion Police of Your Career.

This message was brought to you today by someone who wore their gym shorts, T-shirt and baseball cap to the grocery store this morning.

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Monday, September 3, 2018 – My Monday After College Football Awards

Posted on September 3, 2018 | Leave a comment

Monday, September 3, 2018 – My Monday After College Football Awards

What a wonderful weekend of college football. Let’s get right to the awards.

My first two awards are the Class Awards. The first one goes to Maryland for honoring their late teammate Jordan McNair by lining up in a missing man formation. The second award goes to THE University of Texas for declining the penalty for ten men on the field.

The always favorite Poopy Undies Award goes to Penn State for scaring their fans into OT but winning against Appalachian State 45-38.

The following teams receive The Dominator Award for scoring big numbers on cupcake teams.

  • OU 63 – FAU 14
  • *Mississippi State 63 – SFA 6
  • *Texas A&M 59 – Northwestern 7
  • Oklahoma State 58 – Missouri State – 17
  • *Arkansas 55 – E. Illinois 20
  • Baylor 55 – Abilene Christian 27
  • TCU 55 – Southern 7
  • *Florida 53 – Charleston South 6
  • *Alabama 51 – Louisville 14
  • *Missouri 51 – UT Martin 14
  • Clemson 48 – Furman 7
  • *Ole Miss 47 – Texas Tech 27
  • *Georgia 45 – Austin Peay 0
  • WVU 40 – Tennessee 14 Really Tennessee? I thought this was your year. You looked as faded as your checkerboard end zones.

The following teams receive a Timex Award because they all took a licking but kept on ticking. Those gate receipts will buy lots of athletic tape for the bumps and bruises.

  • FAU 14- OU 63
  • SFA 6 – Mississippi State 63
  • Northwestern 7 – Texas A&M 59
  • Abilene Christian 27- Baylor 55
  • E. Illinois 20 – Arkansas 55
  • Southern 7 – TCU 55
  • Charleston South – 6 Florida 53
  • Louisville 14 – Alabama 51
  • UT Martin 14 Missouri 51
  • Furman 7 – Clemson 48
  • Austin Peay 0 – Georgia 45
  • Texas Tech 27 – Ole Miss 47
  • WVU 40 – Tennessee 14

Moving on down the Awards Field.

The Remember the Aggie/UCLA Game Award goes to Michigan State, THE University of Texas and LSU for getting far ahead and then fighting for the win in the fourth quarter. You must play the entire 60 minutes.

THE University of Texas also receives the Falling from the Top Award because that performance did not meet TOP 25 team expectations. Sorry, Bevo, but spurts of good plays with promise will not cut the mustard on the hotdogs.

Of course the Exploding Head Coach Award goes to Nick Saban. Coach Saban did apologize to the commentator for losing his temper, but come on – QUIT ASKING ABOUT THE ALABAMA QUARTERBACKS!

The Weather Delay Awards – To any team that had to leave the field and return after a significant amount of time due to lighting. HWIT – Weather delays change the game. I think it is a conspiracy between God and ESPN to get more people to stream sports on ESPN+ and ESNP3.

The YIKES Award goes to the Washington Huskies who lost to Auburn 21 to 16 in a real dog and cat fight. This is your best team, PAC 12? Yikes.

The Old Lady, Never Played or Coached Football Award (TOLNPCF) goes to every team and every player who was DQ for targeting. The following suggestion is engraved on the imaginary trophy. DO NOT TARGET the opposite player. TOLNPCF also thinks there should be a first time warning before ejection.

The asterisk (*) notes school in the SEC. You know that commercial where the girl says “SEC. It just means more?” What that really means is “SEC. We’re just better than you are.”

Happy Labor Day.

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Posted in Alabama, Coach Nick Saban, College Football, college football, Education, humor, Jimbo Fisher, LSU, Misc., Native Texan, Texas Aggies

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