Monday, September 23, 2019 – My Monday After Saturday College Football Awards – Week Four
Happy first day of fall. The projected high today in Texas is 93 degrees but feels like 97.
Let’s begin with Poopy Undies for everybody. Why not? Pretend it is one of those participation awards.
My first award today goes to the Ole Miss Rebels. You receive The Dreaded Threaded Incline Plane Award because you got screwed on the goal line against the Hippy Bears of California. Not once, but twice. Ole Miss 20 and Cal 28. Berkley is a long way from Oxford, ain’t it?
The Tide continues to roll even though they have yet to play anybody. So, let’s give Tua and Nick the You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet Award and the Stack the Stats for a Heisman Award.
The Methodist of SMU and the Baptists of Baylor won against their old SWC rivals by winning against the Horn Frogs of TCU and the Owls of Rice? Both the Mustangs and Bears win the For Old Times Sake Award.
LSU stomped the Commodores of Vanderbilt 66-38. The Ugly Uniform Award goes to Vanderbilt. That faded drab gray just made Little Gloria turn over in her grave. Those uniforms looked like they mated with a battleship. They were so ugly, I cannot find any pics on the Internet.
My Wimp Award goes to Auburn.
A tent? Really? It was not hot. It was barely 90 degrees. Did you forget your sunscreen? Did you not remember that the home team – the Aggies’– bench is in shade on the side where the alumni sit and where the money comes from? The visitors always sit on the student side facing the sun with the students standing and yelling behind you.
I award The Texas Aggies the Number Four Award and As Time Goes by Award. For future games, Ags, please try to show up for all FOUR quarters of the game – especially the first one. And do not let time run out. Auburn 28 Aggies 20 I do not want to post this selfie, palm plant face again.
It was great game between THE University of Texas and Oklahoma State. The Horns receive the One State One Win Award. You beat one team of two teams from Louisiana and will beat one of two teams from Oklahoma. Glad you lit the Tower for this one.
The pic is a bit fuzzy, but then again, so are the Longhorns. Oklahoma State 30 Texas 38
And for The Best Game of the year, so far, the trophy goes to Georgia and Notre Dame!
To the Fighting Irish, let’s sing the Fight Song:
Flop, flop for old Notre Dame
Fall on the ground, pretend you’re in pain;
To try to slow the Bull Dawgs down;
But you couldn’t win the game!!!!
My Confessional Award goes to me and my friend RL.
Bless me Father, for I have sinned,
Hoping that Notre Dame never wins again;
Hail Mary, full of grace
UGA and the Dawgs put you in your place.
RL tends to say, “Coitus ND!” which is much shorter, but I’m not sure that would fly in the confessional booth.
My Exploding Head Coach Award goes to Brian Kelly of Notre Dame.
I am pretty sure, Coach, you need to go to confession for your string of profanities you spewed at the ref.
The Hoover Announcer Award for sucking the most while allegedly calling a football game goes to the Booth Mouths who were in the booth for the Texas A&M and Auburn game. Neuheisel? Was this your first trip east of California in a while? Well, at least he did not sing and play the guitar. Nueheisal? You make me miss Brent Mushburger.
To the officiating crew in Kyle Field on Saturday: You must have missed the day the pass interference was taught. When a 70-year-old woman, who never played a down of football and has nothing to put in a jock strap can call the penalty, then something is wrong. So, to the zebra shirted crew, you win the Helen Keller School of Incompetency Award. Note: same school as refs for Ole Miss and Cal.
And to the end zone.
Kudos again to ESPN for airing another touching tribute to Wendy Anderson, her family and Arkansas State. Ladies! Get those ta-tas squished and checked. You can win this one for Wendy.
Speaking of Arkansas, next week, Aggies have the Bacon Bowl in Arlington.