Category Archives: Misc.

Monday, September 16, 2019 – My Monday after College Football Awards

Posted on September 16, 2019 | Leave a comment

Monday, September 16, 2019 – My Monday after College Football Awards – Week Three

Week Three of the college football has ended. Cupcake season has ended. The smaller schools are counting their gate receipts and licking their wounds. Week four means we are getting down to business.

Today, the first award goes to the Georgia Bulldogs for Best Sportsmanship and Love Shown at a Football Game. Georgia fans wore pink to honor the Arkansas State coach, Blake Anderson. Coach Anderson lost his wife, Wendy, to breast cancer last month. This was his first game back. Wendy was a Conroe girl whose parents were family friends. In the long run, it is just a football game. Thoughts and prayers to Coach Anderson, the children, her mother, Judy and Arkansas State fans.

But back to the game and awards. All winning schools listed below will receive The Hostess Cupcake Award, while their opponents receive the Thanks for Playing and Increasing the Athletic Budget Award.

The Bulldogs would go to beat the crap out of Arkansas State 55-0. Other cupcake games and the awards go to the following:

TAMU Lamar – 62-3 – I think the Aggies were about to put in Reveille the last two minutes. But, the Aggie offense wins the Hippy Dippy Shakes Award for still looking shaky before SEC opens next week. I don’t care how many points were scored. I could have scored late in the fourth quarter.

Texas Rice 48 – 13 – Speaking of cupcake games, the Award for Best Cupcake Season goes to THE University of Texas. However, the Big 12, Only 10 Conference has taken a turn of interest and some of the traditional cupcakes are showing some beef cake. For example.

Kansas Boston College 48-24 – Yes, you read that correctly. The University of Kansas scored 48 points and beat Boston College IN Boston. It was never even close for a Flutie Hail Mary try. The Jay Hawks win The Toto; We’re Not in Kansas Anymore Award. Coach Les Miles of Kansas has been placed on my Watch List for the Maybe the Grass is Greener on the Other Side Trophy.

Kansas State Mississippi State 31 -24 – Sharing The Toto We’re Not in Kansas Anymore Award is Kansas State. Mississippi State wins The WTH Happened Award?

OU UCLA 48-14 – UCLA wins the Thanks for Playing Award.

LSU Northwestern 65 -14 – Northwestern also wins the Thank for Playing Award.

Alabama SC 47-23 – Bama wins the Raw Hide Rowdy Yates Award Rolling, Rolling Rolling; Watch the Tide a Rolling; Watch the Tide a Rolling; TUA!!!

Auburn Kent State 55-16 – Auburn wins the See You Next Weekend at Tailgate Award. WHOOP!

The Pepto Bismal Upset Award goes The Citadel for their OT victory over Georgia Tech 27-24. The Citadel also receives my classic Poopy Undies for scaring your fan base to go along with it. But good job, Citadel.

Also receiving Poopy Undies Awards are:

Iowa and Iowa State – 18-17 – The Cyclones of Iowa State also win the Watch Where You are Going Award given to a player for running into his own man on a punt causing a fumble and an Iowa recovery and loss of a field goal opportunity for Iowa State.

My first Stupid Announcer Mouth Award of the year goes to the Dudes calling the Texas A&M and Lamar game. Don’t bring your game to Texas if you don’t know our history! Gentlemen, Janis Joplin is from Port Arthur, not Beaumont. Yes, she did a semester at Lamar, but anybody who loves (present tense) Janis knows she WENT to THE University of Texas.

My final award today goes to the Lamar Band. You win The Rude Award for playing when the Texas Aggie Band was playing. Thank goodness it was not during Spirit or War Hymn.

See you on Snarky Friday. Happy Dia de la Independencia!

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Posted in Alabama, College Football, college football, Education, humor, Jimbo Fisher, LSU, LSU Tigers, Misc., Native Texan, Texas Aggie football, Texas Aggies, The University of Texas

Friday, September 13, 2019 – The Snark of the Full Moon

Posted on September 14, 2019 | Leave a comment

Friday, September 13, 2019 – The Snark of the Full Moon

Today is Friday the 13th and tonight promises a full moon and today promises lots of Snark.

Let’s back up to last week. Come on Texas! What’s with the air conditioner in the visitors’ dressing room? There are certain rules that should never be ignored. Not limited to, but including these:

  • Don’t tug on Superman’s cape,
  • Don’t turn down The Queen’s invitation, Meagan and
  • Don’t piss off LSU!

Besides, if the alleged faulty air conditioning in the visitor’s dressing room story is true, what did you expect to accomplish? THEY ARE FROM LOUISIANA! Have you been to Louisiana? It is a mosquito infested SWAMP. It is a very poor state (i.e. no house AC and maybe no indoor plumbing for many.) Napoleon sold it to Thomas Jefferson because the mosquitoes were so big. People in Louisiana don’t care about how hot it is. They only care about how hot their crawfish boil is.

So, even if the air conditioning was working, why did the LSU band have to sit in the nose bleed upper deck, half-way to Round Rock? You can deny until there are pictures. Oh wait, there are pictures. Just Google LSU Band Texas Game.

Don’t be surprised next year when the Longhorn team and band are put up at The Patricia Motel (family joke) and the Longhorn band will be on the upper deck of Death Valley half way to the Louisiana State Capitol. And one more thing. When the LSU band marches in and the sequined girls and flag bearers are carrying those black bags? You better check on Bevo because I have seen Mike the Tiger have lunch!

But moving down the field to Week Three. It is not exactly a cupcake clash with big schools, but it could be a sheet cake and some pretty good games.

Tonight on the ACCN we get to see the surging Kansas Jay Hawks fly Miles, as in Les, to meet up with Boston Colleges. Rock Chalk Jayhawk. One game win is a surge for Kansas.

Then at 8:15 on ESPN we have a clash of the Cougars and lots of red on the field when the Mike Leach Washington State Cougars square off with Dana Holgorson’s Houston Cougars. Eat ‘em up, Shasta!

Let’s start Saturday with the Bloody Mary 11:00 AM games. We find Mississippi State and Kansas State on ESPN. Go Bulldogs.

Opposite on ESPN2 we have more Bulldogs with Uga and the rest of the Georgia Bulldogs hosting Arkansas State.

At 11:00 on the SEC Network, we can see Tennessee trying to stop the erosion of Rocky Top by hosting the Chattanooga Shoe Shine Boys.

The 2:30 time slot on CBS holds great potential for the possibilities of two Exploding Head Coaches Awards when Alabama and South Carolina meet. Saban and Muschamp will be fun to watch. Roll Tide! Note to equipment managers – pack more headsets.

Also at 2:30 on ESPN2 the Cowboys of Oklahoma State are in Tulsa. The Pokes will be playing in memory of Daddy Boone, for T. Boone Pickens, OSU greatest funder. Bet you did not know that T. Boone Pickens played a year of basketball at Texas A&M? His scholarship was not renewed and he went to Oklahoma and would donate enormous amounts of money to Oklahoma State. RIP T. Boone.

Sidebar: KK, I cannot believe your baby shower is at this time slot! You graduated from Oklahoma State. I know! I know! It has to do with Baylor being idle this weekend.

As twilight draws, we find:

Florida and Kentucky kickoff at 6:00 on ESPN. Time to make a beer run.

LSU should have no problem with Northwestern of Natitchoches at 6:30 on the SEC Netwrok. I bet the Northwestern band will decent seats.

At 6:00 on ESPNU the Texas Aggies regroup against Lamar in Kyle Field. I like Lamar. It is an up and coming program who could make one of my college favorites.

The OU offense will shine with Schools of Initials – OU and UCLA at 7:00 on Fox. Go Jalen.

At 7:00 on CBSSN the Eyes of Texas as in THE University of will be upon the Owls of Rice University in the Rice Cake Bowl in Houston. OK, I made up The Rice Cake Bowl. I cannot wait to see what the Marching Owl Band (The MOB) has to say at half-time.

Grab the popcorn, get your beer and let’s kick off Week 3 and of course

BTHO Lamar

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Posted in Alabama, Coach Nick Saban, College Football, college football, Education, humor, Jimbo Fisher, LSU, LSU Tigers, Misc., Native Texan, Politics, Texas Aggie football, Texas Aggies, The University of Texas

Monday, September 09, 2019

Posted on September 9, 2019 | Leave a comment

Monday, September 09, 2019 – The Monday after College Football Awards Show

Today is 09.09.2019.

Let’s begin as usual with the weekly Poopy Undies Awards. Teams receiving PU Awards for scaring their fans are:

  • Michigan who barely won in OT against Army 24 to 21 and
  • LSU and THE University of Texas at Austin. Both teams and their fans please collect your trophies. Note: this award was made at the end of the third quarter Saturday night.

Alright! Alright! Alright! The award for Best Looking Person on a team’s sideline goes to the Minister of Culture, Matthew McConaughey.

I ask my wonderful SFA college Roomie to send me pic from the game. I really appreciate the picture, but I was hoping for a selfie with Matthew. Maybe next time?

The Sight for Sore Eyes Award goes to Boise State. The Broncos won over Marshall as in We Are, Marshall, Matthew McConaughey movie. But it is that blue field! That ugly blue field. I have heard of Field of Dreams, but IMHO, that is a Field of Nightmares on the cones and rods in my eyeballs!

The Someone’s Gonna Get Hurt Award goes to Jalen, OU and the Boomer Sooners! Plus OU has a guy a running back named Rambo! OU 70 – South Dakota 14.

Two Awards go to The Fighting Texas Aggies. First, we all know the Aggies never lose; they just run out of time. So The Add More Time Award goes to The Aggies with the inscription: Time Needed: 365 more days.

The second award to the Aggies is the Eagles Award when they sing

We can beat around the bushes;
we can get down to the bone
We can leave it in the parkin’ lot,
but either way, there’s gonna be a
heartache tonight, a heartache tonight I know.
There’ll be a heartache tonight
a heartache tonight I know.

The OMG What a Shot and What a Match Awards go to Rafael Nadal and D Medvedev for US Open Men’s Tennis Finals. Nadal wins in 5 sets and four hours and 50 minutes.

The No 10 Run Rule goes the Houston Astros for their win 21 – Mariners 1..

On a final note – If you love football; love the South; and love history turn to the SEC network on Tuesday nights at 7:00 CST (I think) for Saturdays in the South. I had no idea John Heisman was so influential in the growth of football in the South. Maybe football should give an award named him.

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Posted in College Football, college football, Education, humor, Jimbo Fisher, LSU, LSU Tigers, Misc., Native Texan, Texas Aggie football, Texas Aggies, The University of Texas

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Friday, September 6, 2019 – First Snarky Friday of September

Posted on September 6, 2019 | Leave a comment

Friday, September 6, 2019 – First Snarky Friday of September

It is week two of college football. This Saturday we have another mixing bowl of cupcake games. Everybody will have their cake and eat it too. Except, it is separation Saturday for four teams. But first.

For the 11:00 am hour, there is no school worth watching even if you attended it. Therefore, run errands, go the grocery story, perhaps take in an outdoors event. Get all of that done before 2:30. Then just turn the channel to ABC and hang on.

At 2:30 we have Clemson University hosting The Fighting Texas Aggies in Death Valley. The ‘bo’ boys of Dabo and Jimbo will duke it out. I am already nervous.

Following that game on ABC we have THE University of Texas at Austin hosting the Tigers from LSU in Darrel K. Royal Memorial Stadium. This is the first matchup of two top ten teams this season. The Horns will have pleasure of hearing the LSU band play Hold That Tiger multiple times.

Since there are few teams to snark about, I must prepare for these two important contests. It is necessary to obtain large quantities of the four basic football food groups – sweet, salty, alcohol and chocolate.

I must ensure Maroon Out shirt is clean, must get dammit doll ready along with a small maroon and white football that plays War Hymn when pressed. I must change to LSU shirt before their kickoff.

Then I must ensure the oxygen tanks are filled in the event of a close game and God forbid OVERTIME!

Until Monday – Hold that Tiger! And BTHO Clemson!

And to my relatives is Louisiana – Feel free to sing “Good bye to Texas University; so long to the orange the white…” and “Saw Varsity’s Horns Off!”

To my TU friends – here is a little YouTube video to start your weekend. GEAUX TIGERS!

I’m pretty impressed with the girls prancing down the street in heels, but I do not understand the bags. Make-up and cosmetics? Maybe comfortable shoes?

https://youtu.be/19UolW4FEmA

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Posted in College Football, college football, Education, humor, Jimbo Fisher, LSU, LSU Tigers, Misc., Native Texan, Texas Aggie football, Texas Aggies, The University of Texas

Wednesday, August 14, 2019 – When Histamines Attack! Or Vicks to the Rescue and More!

Posted on August 14, 2019 | 1 comment

Wednesday, August 14, 2019 – When Histamines Attack! Or Vicks to the Rescue and More!

Good Day! I am here today with my colleague Dr. Pepper, and we are presenting a public service announcement with information learned recently when the histamines attacked.

Recently, the Histamines, from the Isthmus of Histamonia, attacked my nasal passages, my throat, my lungs, my eyes, and probably other body parts I was not aware of. In a frantic search I immediately ingested all types of ANTI histamines including the jar of Vicks Vapor Rub to rid myself of my inner mucus.

In so doing and being bored, but between nose blowing and coughing, I found the following website that should be essential knowledge to all regarding Histamines and other forms microbes that attack the human body.

There are 40 uses listed, but I only list My Twelve Favorites.

http://www.shareably.net/vicks-vaporub-problems-solve/

Today, you will be able to list at least twelve major uses of Vicks as defined below. Then for your assessment of understanding, we will draw a random number and you must demonstrate the corresponding use of Vicks. To receive credit for this online class, you must send a pic of you demonstrating the number of use drawn. Ready? My comments are in italics.

  1. Chest Rub – Rub Vicks on your chest when congested. We all know this works. The research of The Big Bang Theory’s Dr. Sheldon Cooper and Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler support the hypothesis that use of Vicks on the chest and the singing of Soft Kitty hastens wellness and decreases mucus.
  2. Night coughs – Rub Vicks on the bottom of your feet and then put on socks to prevent night coughing. Research indicates this works, but so does a shot of Nyquil and why does it not work in the daytime to stop coughing?
  3. Neosporin replacement – If you run out of Neosporin, use VapoRub as a replacement. Spread a thin layer around the wounded area (splinters, cuts, etc.) to help accelerate the healing process. It also helps protect against germs and bacteria. Number one – why are you out of Neosporin?
  4. Treat acne – You can put some VapoRub on your pimples, acne, or other blemishes and leave it on overnight. When you wash it off in the morning your blemish should be gone. Try this remedy of other skin treatments aren’t working for you. If you have to use Vicks for acne treatment, call 1-555-Dermatolgist.
  5. Fight toenail fungus Thymol is one of the main ingredients in Vicks VapoRub and is great for blocking the growth of fungus because of its antiseptic, antimicrobial and antibacterial properties. All you have to do is rub some of it on the bed of your nail and toenail to get rid of the fungus. It does not say how long this routine is carried out. Wear socks until it goes away.
  6. As bug repellent – Apply a thin layer of VapoRub to exposed skin, and it will repel annoying insects like mosquitoes. This is perfect for camping or when traveling through humid areas. The strong scent will deter bugs from coming your way. It will also keep others from coming your way. Just stay indoors.
  7. Want to get rid of fat and cellulite? – Apply some VapoRub mixed with camphor, baking soda, and a little bit of alcohol. Rub this mixture on the area you want to slim down and cover it with plastic wrap. Do you drink the alcohol or mix it with the Vicks?
  8. Relieve sore muscles – The menthol in Vicks can help to not only offer a refreshing cool to your skin, but it can also help to improve your blood circulation. After physical activity, just grab some Vicks and rub it onto any areas that are experiencing soreness. This should provide relief and comfort to any painful areas. If you don’t want to smell like Ben Gay or Walter, this could be an alternate smell.
  9. Keep your horse focused – If you ride horses, listen up. You can keep a horse from getting distracted by the scent of female horses by applying some VapoRub under his nose. No need to let mating season stop you from going on a ride. No one likes a distracted horse. I wonder if it works on men?
  10. Get rid of warts – Have a nasty wart that suddenly appeared? No problem. Apply VapoRub to your warts twice a day for two weeks. Cover the area with gauze in between until the wart disappears. It also helps if you go outside, face the East, bury an unwashed potato at midnight and turn around three times.
  11. Hide bad smells – Everyday life can build up into some bad smells. Whether it’s from a baby’s diaper or taking out the trash, relieve the bad smell by making your own Vick’s air freshener or applying some under your nose. Your sinuses will thank you. Remember? Clarisse did this in Silence of the Lambs?
  12. Treat hemorrhoids – Hopefully you won’t have to use Vick’s VapoRub for this reason. But fun fact, for small, itchy hemorrhoids, apply Vick’s on there and let the menthol drown out the itch. But make sure to know if you can tolerate the burn first by testing Vick’s on another part of your body. WTH!

Now for your assessment. The number drawn is …

Sorry. The number drawn is Number 12. Please make a video of your face upon application! PLEASE!!!

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Posted in Education, humor, Misc., Native Texan

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Tuesday, August 6, 2019 – Worst Ever!

Posted on August 6, 2019 | 1 comment

Tuesday, August 06, 2019 – Worst Ever!

From the Helen Keller-Stevie Wonder School of Football Uniform Design we have the alternate uniform for Michigan State University – The Spartans. Note: Caution is urged if you look or read further.

In a failed attempt to simulate the success of the University of Oregon’s football uniforms of highlighter yellow and shades of green not on the colorwheel, Michigan State chose this to wear on Saturdays. It is call their alternate uniform.

Really? What team wears a uniform the color of Granny Smith apples? It looks as though the player stepped in a giant Sara Lee key lime pie.

From the website – just Google Michigan State Uniforms

“The numbers and STATE emblazoned across the chest look like the text size on your grandpa’s iPhone. The splash of sea-sick granny apple is bad enough on the torso, but when paired with the toxic chemical spill that are the pants, induces something akin to a pre-frontal lobotomy on unlucky onlookers.”

Here’s what I’m thinking. I think Nike used left over paint remains from making Oregon uniforms and made these for you, Michigan State. Now you see why their bid was the lowest. Either that you bought them at Wal-Mart.

I do not need nor want to see this in high definition against any team, but I especially do not want to see it against Ohio State or Michigan. Too much color. To Michigan State: If you play on one of those weird blue or red football fields I will puke before I can change the channel.

Now I must go wash my eyeballs.

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Posted in College Football, humor, Misc., Native Texan

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Wednesday, July 31, 2019 – “At the End of Regulation…”

Posted on July 31, 2019 | Leave a comment

Wednesday, July 31, 2019 – “At the End of Regulation…”

I just love a barbershop quartet – especially a smack talking foursome. I think I will hire these guys for Snarky Football Fridays. Consider today official Snarky Football Fridays practice.

This is a video you will want to watch several times to catch it all.  Be sure to watch the quartet’s lapel buttons.

Let’s sing along – four part harmony only!

“…Alabama! Alabama! Since Saban came…”

GIG ‘EM AGGIES! “At the end of regulation …”

https://youtu.be/AG3aeeBUp9c

 

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Posted in Alabama, Coach Nick Saban, College Football, college football, Education, humor, Jimbo Fisher, LSU, LSU Tigers, Misc., Native Texan, Texas Aggies

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Friday, July 19, 2019 – Unofficial Snarky Friday

Posted on July 19, 2019 | Leave a comment

Friday, July 19, 2019 – Unofficial Snarky Friday

Sometime over this weekend someone will post the number of Saturdays, the actual number of days, and the hours and minutes until college football kickoff. It might be me, but it could any one of you anxiously waiting for our favorite teams to fill the weekend TV screens.

Media Days began on Monday, July 15, and marked the unofficial start of college football season. Therefore, we have the start of Unofficial Snarky Friday. Snarky Friday is where I post my snarky comments regarding college football.

Media Days is the week when representatives from the NCAA Division I football conferences congregated in front of the media. Coaches and young men appear all dressed up, speak and answer questions from various sports media outlets.

This is the time where you hear words and phrases such as:

  • One game at a time
  • Big shoes to fill at that position
  • Big number of starters returning
  • Outstanding freshman
  • Seasoned quarterback
  • Alabama keeps whining (hey I am just paraphrasing ESPN)
  • New head coach and
  • A most difficult schedule.

As you know this blog is about teams I like and teams that play teams I like. Let’s first take a look at the Big 12 – Really Only 10 – Conference. It consists of THE University of Texas and Oklahoma University, seven other schools and Kansas that prays for basketball season to arrive. The Red River Rivalry is going to be fun, fun, fun. Wouldn’t it be ironic if Jalen Hurts won the Heisman?

Now to the – It Just Means More Conference – the SEC. I conducted a comparative analysis of the Texas Aggie Football Schedule and the SEC media days. Here’s what I’m thinking:

Media Day Schools – July 15

Florida – Do Not Care

Missouri – Really Do Not Care

LSU – Happy Thanksgiving! November 30. I shall wear my 7 OT Shirt from last year’s victory.

Media Day Schools – July 16

Mississippi – October 19 – Off to Oxford.

Tennessee – Nope!

Texas A&M – Significantly biased

Georgia – Oh crap! November 23 in Athens and seven days before LSU!

Media Day Schools – Wednesday, July 17

Arkansas – OMG! Winter is coming! September 28 in Arlington with a possibility of Nick Starkle at QB!

I am not sitting next to the damn pig this year.

Alabama – OMG! Winter is coming! October 10. Twelfth Man in the Stands! And in the streets and the whole Brazos Valley.

Mississippi State – OMG! Winter is coming! And so are the cowbells. October 26.

South Carolina – OMG! Winter is coming! But the only chicken we like is the Dixie Chicken.

Media Day Schools – Thursday, July 18

Auburn – September 21 – September 21 – the first of the three A’s. (Auburn, Arkansas and Alabama)

Kentucky – Do Not Care

Vanderbilt – Do Not Care

I am not aware if football schedules are given names that parallel similar physical events. But if so, I would like to name the Texas Aggie football schedule the following:

The 2019 Texas Aggie Football Root Canal, Gynecological/Prostate Exam and Hot Water Enema Schedule

Did I mention the Aggies play Clemson on September 7?

 

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Posted in Alabama, College Football, college football, Education, humor, Jimbo Fisher, LSU, LSU Tigers, Misc., Native Texan, SEC Media Days, Texas Aggie football, Texas Aggies

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Tuesday, July 16, 2019 – Tuesday Profundity

Posted on July 16, 2019 | 1 comment

Tuesday, July 16, 2019 – Tuesday Profundity

Whoever said “April is the cruelest month,” never lived in Texas in the summer. Dang it is hot. Feels like being in Hell wearing gasoline underwear.

Speaking of underwear… I know; the transition is a stretch, but so is the underwear.

I was actually planning to write something profound and highly intelligent sounding today. While the day began quite well, it was shortly after I got to the gym that everything did a complete 180.

I was doing a five minute warm-up on the elliptical. Into about minute one of the exercise, I realized something was amiss among the nether region. Nevertheless, I finished exercise, stepped down and calmly walked to the Women’s Room.

I not only had my spandex undershorts on backwards, they were wrong side out. In my attempt to correct, I almost dropped my outer, regular shorts in the toilet. Therefore, I am not writing anything profound other than “Check your underwear before you go out.”

Stay cool.

Don’t Mess With Our Blue Bell!

“April is the cruelest month,” by T. S. Eliot, is the opening like of The Waste Land.

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Posted in Education, humor, Misc., Native Texan

Wednesday, June 26, 2019 – Go Vandy!

Posted on June 26, 2019 | 1 comment

Wednesday, June 26, 2019 – Go Vandy!

The winner of tonight’s College World Series will be decided. Tonight is Game three in the final best two of three series between Vanderbilt and Michigan. The series is tied. I am picking Vanderbilt and here’s why.

  • I have been to Nashville.
  • I have never been to Ann Arbor.
  • Vanderbilt is in the SEC.
  • Great Uniforms
    • The military look looks good on the players. In the final regional game Vandy wore an army brown and in game one of the CWS the players wore a drab olive green. It is difficult to wear a dirt brown and drab olive uniform and still be able to pull it off with red, white, and blue accessories and patches.
    • Pinstripes – I am a sucker for pinstripes. The black uniforms with gold pinstripes were outstanding. They too were accessorized with gold and white colors.

Here’s what I’m thinking. Tonight, as Vanderbilt faces off against Michigan, the Vandy players should wear Gloria Vanderbilt jeans, with a gold and white jersey and black lettering. It just seems right, don’t you think?

Win it for Gloria and the rest of the SEC!

 

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