Category Archives: humor

Monday, April 01, 2019 – The Green Final Four

Monday, April 01, 2019 – The Green Final Four

Do you know why you are so tired today? You have just completed at 31 day March.

What a March of madness it was if you are a basketball fan. First on the men’s side of NCAA Division I. I am sure my Alabama buddies are as thrilled about Auburn reaching the final four as I am about Texas Tech reaching it. So let’s go Virginia Cavaliers. Beat the Tiger with the auburn fur. Let’s us remember that I picked Michigan State to win it all. Puffy Spartan! Please do not let me down. And finally, PLEASE anybody but Tech.

Now to the women’s side of NCAA Division I. Does anyone know the words to the Stanford fight song? Tonight Stanford will play the Girls of Muffetry – AKA Notre Dame at 8:00 on ESPN2. I wonder if Muffet will wear the lime green boa around her neck. Did you see those lime green stilettos she had?

Speaking of green colors. Baylor plays Iowa at 6:00 on ESPN2 tonight.

Speaking of even more green colors. The Oregon Ducks will wait for the winner of Baylor and Iowa State. Yesterday, against Mississippi State their uniforms looked like two of the colors in the Crayola Box escaped. It could be a semi-final of various shades of greens and yellows.

And not wearing green. The UConn Huskies will play the winner of Notre Dame and Stanford.

I am not wearing green to watch any of the games. I do not have any green pajamas. Sic ‘Em Bears! And what every the Dancing Tree of Stanford Cardinal (like the color, not the bird) says. Are we for certain really smart people go to Stanford?

If Baylor does not win, I will offer the following quote by one of my favorite, and so articulate heroines, Hermione Granger.


Monday, March 25, 2019 – Chicago Bound – Bring on the Irish

Monday, March 25, 2019 – Chicago Bound – Bring on the Irish

Here’s to the Fighting Texas Aggie Women’s basketball team!! Headed to the Sweet 16 of the NCAA Tournament for the second straight year and seventh time overall. WHOOP!

Yesterday’s game with Marquette was indeed a nail biter. Great teams, great coaching, great game and great fans. A classic game. A rare Monday Basketball Award – Poopy Undies for All!Assuming that Notre Dame defeats Michigan State tonight, the Aggies will meet the Irish in the Sweet 16 Round in Chicago. This is exactly where the Aggies were this time last year. The Aggies lost by six points to Muffet’s Mob. ND, would go on to win the National Championship.

The good news is that both teams are a year older and more experienced. The bad news is that both teams are a year older and more experienced.


BTHO ND! Come on, Spartans!

Wednesday, March 20, 2019 – Poems of Spring

Wednesday, March 20, 2019 – Poems of Spring

Happy first day of spring to us all. To celebrate let’s write some poetic words of the season.

Let us open our books to Chapter One – How to Write a Poem of Spring.

  • When writing a poem of spring, select something that makes the season special.
  • Make it sound old. Use words that no one uses any more in ordinary language. For example, use words like “hark” or “Ye pilgrim.”
  • Always put a “th” after verbs.
  • Make it sound biblical, religious or spiritual. Use words like thee and thou.
  • Make it mysterious. Write about something few people even know what you are writing about and even fewer care.

Here is an example of spring poem utilizing all of the above suggestions.

Oh Ye Pilgrim Baller

Hark! My bracket doth already bursteth

Because I picketh Prairie View A&M,

Hence, I have selecteth the upset

And picketh the Spartans to win!

If you insist on writing about flowers, try this one.

Use Care in Where Thou Butt Doth Go

Doth not sit thou buttocks in bluebonnets

A rattler awaits thy nether region,

Hasten thy run through the fire ants for fun

To celebrate the spring season.

You have the rest of the class time to work on your spring poems.

The picture of Her Cuteness on a rabbit has nothing to do with the post. I just thought it was funny. Yes, that is Papa Ned.


Tuesday, March 19, 2019 – Monday, Monday. Can’t Trust that Day

Tuesday, March 19, 2019 – Monday, Monday. Can’t Trust that Day

Here’s what I’m thinking about yesterday.

Every party needs a pooper that’s why we invited you, ESPN U Suck! ESPN U Suck!

In case you missed it or do not follow sporting events, ESPNU of the ESPN family released the NCAA Division I Women’s basketball bracket on TV two hours before its scheduled time. The announcement parties on campuses were scheduled for six o’clock central standard time. The announcement on TV was at four. It was like unwrapping your Christmas present to see what it was two hours before it was time and then trying to act surprised during the actual Christmas tree. ESPNU took away the element of surprise.

While this may not seem to be at the top of the world falling apart events, it was disappointing to all teams, coaches and fans. Your premature bracket release meant that teams were denied the opportunity to be with their fans when their team’s names were called. This is special to fans and teams. Teams that have never been to the tournament were denied the opportunity to be recognized.

Because of your blunder, the program at six o’clock was pieced together (and you could tell it was). You never even showed the teams from the Chicago Region where Texas A&M is the number 4 seed. Wait, you seemed to have enough footage of Notre Dame and Muffet McGraw.

I hope the persons responsible received a good ass chewing and perhaps the opportunity to seek employment elsewhere. This was a major SNAFU for women’s’ sports. Party pooper ESPNU! RL, I hope this was not your brother.

In other news I had an appointment to see an orthopedic doctor yesterday for my knee. It, like the rest of me, is 70 years old and falling apart. I am sure you know the feeling.

But while waiting for the doctor I had plenty of time read this sign on the wall.

I found three errors. Maybe the Grammarians will find others.

Even though the sign does seem to suggest I am their only patient, it did not inspire confidence in my experience at the doctor’s office,  Neither did the doctor when he said “orthoscopic surgery is the first step to a knee replacement.” I replied “Not on this knee. Thank you for the cortisone shot. I’ll get back to you. Good-bye.”

Since all things come in threes, I returned home to find a jury summons in my mail box. Monday, Monday. Can’t trust that day.

But today is Tuesday. The sun is shining. So make today a good one.

Peace out.

Monday, March 11, 2019 – Urban Ax Throwing

Monday, March 11, 2019 – Urban Ax Throwing

I actually watched an urban ax throwing contest on ESPN2. I am pretty certain I now know more about ax throwing than you do. I am also pretty certain this is way more about ax throwing than you want to know.

I cannot wait for this to become an Olympic sport. What a fun way to settle world differences?

I am thinking this sport could rival corn hole. Just think of the tailgate opportunities at football games to throw axes at a board. What a fun way to celebrate Texas OU weekend, A&M/LSU Thanksgiving or Alabama playing anybody on Saturday. It would be great rival football weekends with fans throwing axes at each other.

There is a World Ax Throwing League with a governing board and everything.

I found this YouTube and I noticed that ax throwing in bars in very trendy.

The video is from New York City and the narrator actually discusses beer and sharp objects in the same environment. He goes on to say that after a couple of beers it will help you throw the ax. In a bar after a couple of beers, you probably should not give a person an ax. But in Texas you certainly do not want to try to take it away from them either. They might likely shoot you.

One of the women in the video states that ax throwing is a great stress relief. I bet it would relieve stress if you imagined someone as the target. Who can forget Johnny Carson and Ed Ames on The Tonight Show?

Get you Ax together and start tossing.

Friday, March 8, 2019 – International Women’s Day

Friday, March 8, 2019 – International Women’s Day

Here’s to every Bad Ass women on earth!

And especially to the Fighting Texas Aggie Women’s basketball team as the play their first game in the SEC Tournament tonight.

Yell it with me, Tide!  BTHO Auburn

Now, sing along Sisters and celebrate with these two Bad Ass Women!

Aretha Franklin and Anne Lennox

Monday, March 4, 2019 – Its National Grammer Day

Monday, March 4, 2019 – Its National Grammer Day

WOW; Wondering today if your going to like todays’ post. Today its national grammer day It’s the day to respectfully honor the infinatives that split, the gerunds that end in ‘ings’, and the participles that dangle. Their is going to be a lot to write about to.

Designated in 2008, the National Grammar Day was established by Martha Brockenbrough author of “Things that Make us [Sic]” (2008) and founder of the Society for the Promotion of Good Grammar.

So Happy Grammar Day!

Here’s to the nine common parts of speech. They are are nouns, pronouns, verbs, adjectives, adverbs, prepositions, conjunctions and interjections.

Here’s to the three sometimes parts of speech. They are numeral, article, or determiner.

Here’s to the 14 punctuation marks. They are the period, question mark, exclamation point, comma, semicolon, colon, dash, hyphen, parentheses, brackets, braces, apostrophes, quotation marks, and ellipsis.

Here’s to the great high school English and grammar teachers and college professors who taught us grammar.

Here’s to the specialists and the word nerds who know the ways, means and reasons why of grammar, syntax and linguistics.

Your assignment. Write at least three sentences using each part of speech at least once. For extra credit, write a paragraph using at least seven of the punctuation marks. For each additional correct use of parentheses, apostrophes and quotation marks, you get one point extra. For each correct use of brackets, braces and ellipsis you get five extra points. Does everyone understand? I’ll wait…

After you have finished, diagram each of your sentences.

By now. Let’s eat kids!

Tuesday, February 19, 2019 – High Noon and The Look

Tuesday, February 19, 2019 – High Noon and The Look

Do not forsake me oh my darling; on this our wedding day…

The Ballad of High Noon was sung by the great Tex Ritter. He was from beautiful downtown Carthage, Texas, located behind The Pine Curtain in deep East Texas.

The movie High Noon was on TV last night. The first time I saw this movie was in 1968 at Stephen F. Austin in Nacogdoches. It was Saturday quarter night at the movie on campus. Of course, I didn’t have a date and for some reason Gayla, that night neither did you.

The movie premiered in 1952 starring Gary Cooper and the then unknown, Grace Kelly. Yes, that Grace Kelly who would go on to be a princess.

Gary Cooper would go on to win the Academy Award for Best Actor. High Noon would also win the Academy Award for Best Original Music Score done by Dimitri Tiomkin. Tex Ritter, who sang during great portions of the film, did not win anything, but you can visit the Tex Ritter Museum in Carthage.

It is too bad that there was not and is no Academy Award for The Look. In today’s movies we have become numb to the stream of consciousness cursing that actually say very little.

After the gun battle at high noon ends, the townspeople of Hadleyville come out of hiding to congratulate Marshall Will Kane as he and bride Amy prepare to leave. Kane throws down his badge and gives them one of the best no cussing needed looks you will ever see. Just The Look as the badge falls into the dust. The Look from Will Kane tells the cowards exactly how he feels. No words needed. Great movie! Too bad there is no award for The Best No Cussing Needed Look.

Monday, February 18, 2019 – Head ‘Em Up! Move ‘Em Out!

Monday, February 18, 2019 – Head ‘Em Up! Move ‘Em Out!

It is trail riding time in Texas. If you, as Lyle Lovett sings,
“are not from Texas” then let me attempt an explanation. When the rodeo comes to town, everybody is fixin to be a cowboy or cowgirl. It is just a Texas thang!

To celebrate our cattle heritage and cattle drives, there are trail rides to recall when real cowboys rode the range and herded the longhorns. The granddaddy of all the rides is The Salt Grass Trail Ride. It started when some Texans got stranded in Florida due to bad weather after the 1952 Orange Bowl Football Game. Sidebars: The game was between Baylor and Georgia Tech. It was Baylor’s first bowl game and the co-champions of the SEC. (GT was in the SEC?) The Yellow Jackets won.

But back to the story. Being stranded in Florida, one Texan said “I’ll never go anywhere again without my horse” and so began the Salt Grass Trail Ride. It began as a promotion for the then called Houston Fat Stock Show and Rodeo. Trivia for Native Texans and Houstonians – where was the event held? Answer at the end.

From the website:

Riding through the rich salt grass pastures, the journey begins in Cat Spring, Texas, in mid-February and winds through the countryside for 103 miles toward Houston. Participants range in age from 2 to 90, stretched out single file for the distance of a mile or so, always present a colorful picture as they go down the trail. The early Texans who pioneered our great cattle industry, despite almost overwhelming hardships, have not been forgotten. They live on in the Salt Grass Trail Ride.

What this really means for the Houston and surrounding areas is this. The weather is going to be sunny, warm, hot, cold, rainy, and miserable with as much as 40 degrees temperature ranges. It could be 85 degrees day and 45 degrees the next day. Sometimes, within the next hour of reaching a record high of 85. But that’s only one of the reasons we love Texas.

Unlike the cowboys you see in the following video, these cowpokes and their horses stop at the end of a hard day’s ride and relax in their cozy RVs and with their horses in heated horse trailers. While Willie sings “Cowboys ain’t easy to love” he also knows they ain’t stupid either.

Here’s to all the trail riders on all the rides. Be safe. God Bless you and God Bless Texas!

So head ‘em up! Move ‘em out! Who is that cute, Rowdy second cowboy in the credits? Stay for the credits if for no other reason to hear the song. You are welcome because I know you will be hearing and singing this the remainder of the day.

Answer: The Houston Fat Stock Show was held at the Sam Houston Coliseum.

Wednesday, February 13, 2019 – Protect Your Birds

Wednesday, February 13, 2019 – Protect Your Birds

Yesterday I purchased a new skillet. When I turned it over to see how to season it, I saw this in the instructions. I did not believe it at first either.

If you are having difficulty reading the before you use instructions, the sentence reads:

CAUTION: Please keep pet birds out of the kitchen. Birds’ respiratory systems are sensitive to many fumes, including the fumes of extremely overheated nonstick pans.

It immediately made me question “How was this determined?” Was there a lab experiment to determine which animals might be injured and the birds won? I have no answers. I noticed it said “Pet Birds.” So I assume that means you own multiples and that wild birds in your kitchen are okay.

I also wondered, “What about my respiratory system? What about Peach’s respiratory system?”

I apologize for the brevity of today. I am cooking chicken in my new skillet and must go tend to it.