Category Archives: humor

Friday, February 01, 2019 – Ground Hog Day Eve

Friday, February 01, 2019 – Ground Hog Day Eve

What’s a Friday without a Snark? Ready?

Who’s excited about the Super Bowl? I’ll wait the prescribed 15 seconds per education Saint, Madeline Hunter, to see if anyone answers.

Meanwhile today is Ground Hog Day Eve. Here’s what I’m thinking. The renowned weather predicting rodent, aka Punxsutawney Phil, learned of the polar vortex, heard the temperature, saw the snow banks and left for Florida. The residents living in the current winter storm probably just hope the next six weeks are nothing like the previous week.

Friday, February 01, 2019 – Ground Hog Day Eve

What’s a Friday without a Snark? Ready?

Who’s excited about the Super Bowl? I’ll wait the prescribed 15 seconds per education Saint, Madeline Hunter, to see if anyone answers.

Meanwhile today is Ground Hog Day Eve. Here’s what I’m thinking. The renowned weather predicting rodent, aka Punxsutawney Phil, learned of the polar vortex, heard the temperature, saw the snow banks and left for Florida. The residents living in the current winter storm probably just hope the next six weeks are nothing like the previous week.

Who got my Ground Hog Day Joke? I’m still waiting to hear from someone excited about the Super Bowl.

Friday, January 18, 2019 – Lumpy Body Scan

Friday, January 18, 2019 – Fitness Lumpy Body Scan

Let’s play Jeopardy! I’ll take Physical Fitness Stupid for $1000, Alex.

The answer is: gravy, mashed potatoes, coal and me.

What are four things that are lumpy?

Bad Ass trainer talked me into entering a fitness contest. I think I am the only one in the age bracket that can even attempt what she is having me do without having 911 on speed dial and an ambulance on standby in the parking lot.

Yesterday, I did a full 3D body scan at the gym. You stand still while on a rotating platform in your almost birthday suit. I was thinking of the stage in Les Miserable’s.

I thought I was in decent shape. But the numbers don’t lie. I am lumpy – 36% lumpy to be exact in some places. I am not even sure what the rest of the lumpy numbers mean. I look like a fat alien rag doll with stuffing poking out in various places – like my waistline. This reading means that I am only slightly above average. You know how I do not like to be average in anything.

So now I am doing 50 of everything and if it does not kill me it will make me strong. 50 ring rows, 50 squats, 50 stomach crunches, 50 full body push-ups, 50 bicep curls, 50 triceps’ curls and 50 more exercises (like burpees) I do not even want to think about. I do this twice per week and cardio once per week. Then I get on a bicycle or treadmill or row a fake boat. None of them go anywhere.

I have only been “conditioning” as BA says for a week. My body has not been this sore since Coach McGinty’s seventh grade P.E. class. I have to go now and try to find the brain I lost when I said I would do this. For a T-shirt and maybe my picture on the wall? What was I thinking?

 

Monday, January 14, 2019 – WE ARE FAMILY!

 

Monday, January 14, 2019 – WE ARE FAMILY!

We are family! I got all my family with me! We are family! Look at what they did for me!

LOOK! I got a Ferrari! OK – we parked by one at Perry’s in The Woodlands

Back to Kristen’s

What’s a good party without a lampshade on your head and a boa around your neck? Kristen – the photo area rocked!

My outstanding twin gnieces!

 

My fabulous and handsome great nephews!

Niece # !

Looks as though Niece # 2 Deewee and I are going to do a dance routine.

As the song says: WE ARE FAMILY! Get up everybody and sing!

Just let me state for the record we’re  giving love in a family dose!

https://youtu.be/XwLjtilAZDQ

 

Friday, January 11, 2019 – You Will Be Assimilated

Friday, January 11, 2019 – You Will Be Assimilated

Captain’s Log 01.11.2019 – Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated. Wait. That is the Borg. We are not going to Delta Quadrant. Who is driving this Starship? We need to change course and warp speed to Septar Quadrant. That is where the Septuagenarians live. At 12:30 AM on Sunday, January 13, I will be assimilated into that decade.

Here is to all of the birth anniversaries born under the sign of Capricorn. Belated birthday wishes to Carol L. and RL on the 6th and 10th respectively. Tomorrow, January 12 we celebrate Molly and Dale and Carol M. days of birth.

Me and Molly Harper Fowler on our 13th birthdays. I do not know if there is a name for a Baptist and Methodist girl when she turns 13.

Then on Sunday, the lovely birthday girls, include, but is not limited to, me, Carolyn Sue, Nova and Debbie F. We all share the day of celebration.

We all invite you to celebrate with all the January birthdays while tapping your toes to another January BD – The Great Earl Scruggs born on Jan 6. I think Foggy Mountain Breakdown is appropriate for us. Don’t you? Engage! Warp Speed to Septar Quadrant.

https://youtu.be/AJOIqmlI65Y

 

Tuesday, January 8, 2019 – Tiger Tiger Burning Bright

Tuesday, January 8, 2019 – Tiger Tiger Burning Bright

Tiger tiger burning bright

In the forests of the night,

What immortal hand or eye

Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?

Fearful symmetry? How about the fearful offense or fearful defense of Clemson? Clemson ran through Alabama like you know what through a goose.

Congratulations to the Clemson Tigers for winning the big trophy stick associated with the National Football Championship. It was fun to see Dabo’s excitement as he ran and jumped along the sideline.

Dear Coach Saban, since you seem to recruit kickers who kick like 70 year old women, I would like to apply for the job next year. Really? A fake field goal? Did a Clemson zombie eat part of your brain?

One of the best parts of the game was the Chevy truck commercial with the Donny and Marie Osmond’s “I’m a little bit country; I’m a little bit rock and roll” as the dialog.

And so we now ask the important question. How many days until kickoff? It is actually 228 days until August 31.

To Clemson, the Texas Aggies shall see you on September 7. To Alabama, the Texas Aggies shall see you on October 1.

To the rest of the college teams, we’ll see you on Monday, January 13, 2020 in New Orleans. I hope Jimbo and Aggies are there!

Until then, Elvis has left the football thinkings until next season. Happy Birthday, Elvis! I believe I will go have a peanut butter and nanner sandwich.

Wednesday, January 2, 2019 – And Then There Was One

Wednesday, January 2, 2019 – And Then There Was One

One college football game left. Roll Tide.

Congratulations to LSU, Oklahoma State, Ohio State, and Kentucky on their bowl wins. To any fans from Pennsylvania, your teams must win their bowl games before they are mentioned.

Congratulations to THE University of Texas for their win over Georgia in the Sugar Bowl 28-21. This game was over when Bevo decided to have a pregame snack of an UGA Hot Dawg. Try that with the Miss Reveille, Bevo and you’ll be a steak.

To Georgia: What the hell? The next time you play a major bowl against a major team, may I suggest the following:

    • Bring your head to the game
    • Take your head out of your nether region
    • Use your head to play football
    • Do not underestimate a good team. Almost beating Alabama does not end the season.
    • Do not embarrass the SEC. Texas marched through you like Sherman! The tank, not the general.

To The University, again congratulations. It does indeed appear that The University (TU) is back to original form.

To the mouths talking in the booth last night and everyone else who was a booth mouth during the bowl games:

  • Call the damn football game!
  • Learn the name of the team – it is Oklahoma State or OSU – NOT OKState. You should have known that before your Twitter account exploded from the Oklahoma State fans.
  • No one cares how you played when you were playing.
  • No one cares what play you would have called.
  • No one really cares about your opinions on anything.
  • You do not need to give me the players/coaches profile from day one of their lives.
  • You do not have to fill then entire time between plays with mindless chatter.
  • I heard you the first time. And the second and probably the third time you repeated and/or rephrased what you just said.
  • Please do not refer to Sam Ehlinger as similar to Tim Tebow or anybody else. He is the pride and hope of The University of Texas and he is like Sam Ehlinger.
  • Next year go interview Bevo before the game. Maybe he will show you how the cow ate the New Year’s cabbage.

Only one more football game so it is time to move on to the bouncing round ball. Guess who has a ticket tomorrow night for Baylor and UCONN? See you, Geno!

Tuesday, January 1, 2019 – Happy Whooping New Year!

Tuesday, January 1, 2019 – Happy Whooping New Year!

Well, Skit. Skat. And how bout that?

How about them Aggies? Chomp. Chomp. What away to start a new year!

Congratulations to The Texas Aggie Football team, Coach Jimbo Fisher and Traveon Williams for a great game. Record setting runs for Traveon.

What a game for Cullen Gillespia? The epitome of The Twelfth Man.

Jimbo’s first year: 9 wins and four losses. Losses to Clemson by two and Alabama was scared. Time ran out against Mississippi State and Auburn. And then there was the LSU game followed by a convincing Gator Bowl victory. Not bad, Jimbo.

The final result? As many Aggie shirts now read:

It’s not the way it used to be!

WHOOP!

But that was last year. Today I have on my LSU Tiger T-shirt. It is the formal one with the mardi gras bead design. GEAUX TIGERS!

I am headed to have the traditional New Year’s black eyed peas and cornbread and New Year’s Day football watching. Speaking of Day, here’s to my friend Kathy who achieved a bucket list item today– Seeing Ohio State play in the Rose Bowl. I’ll watch for you KD.  Please wave to me and Ms. Navasota.

Monday, December 31, 2018 – Mamma Called or The Last Time the Aggies were in the Gator Bowl

Monday, December 31, 2018 – Mamma Called or The Last Time the Aggies were in the Gator Bowl

“Mamma called. And when Mama calls, you just have to come runnin.”

Let’s get in the Wayback Machine and return to December 28, 1957. It was a time of floor length formals with frills, white elbow length gloves and the Bowl Queens and their Courts who wore them.

This appears to be a 30 minute promo of the Gator Bowl in 1957. https://youtu.be/EedQfNyCc24 Lots of Gator Bowl Queens, the Tennessee Band, and a little bit of football footage. I wonder if there will be speed boat races this year.

The Texas Aggies were 8-0 and in contention for the National Championship. At one point they had been ranked Number One for three weeks in a row. The running back was Heisman Trophy Winner, John David Crow.

Reverse the Wayback Machine to October 26. Alabama lost to Mississippi State 25 to 13. The Alabama coach, J.B.” Ears” Whitworth was fired. Rumors began to fly down the railroad tracks to College Station. The coach of the Texas Aggies, Paul “Bear” Bryant might leave! Bryant played blocking end for Alabama and graduated in 1936 with a B.S. degree.

The Aggies came undone. The Aggies would lose to Rice (when it was the William M. Rice Institute for the Advancement of the Literature, Science and Art) and to The University of Texas. The Rice quarterback was the great King Hill.

Jimmy Wright, back-up Aggie quarterback, 1954-1956, is quoted to have said “When starting Aggie quarterback, Roddy Oborne threw an interception in the Arkansas game, and Coach Bryant did not say anything, I knew he was gone.”

Because of the losses to Rice and Texas the Aggies dropped out of contention. The Aggies received an invitation to the Gator Bowl in Jacksonville, Florida. It was like the Miss Congeniality of football games at that time. It was not the Rose Bowl. It was not the Cotton Bowl. It was not the Orange Bowl. It was not the Sugar Bowl. Those were the big games. But the Gator Bowl had just enlarged its stadium. It would now seat 43,000.

The Aggies’ opponent was Number 13 ranked The University of Tennessee. In a lackluster, no Aggie spirit, The Volunteers won with a field goal with 5:30 remaining in the fourth quarter to win 3-0.

It would be the last game for Bear Bryant at Texas A&M. The Aggies would not go to a bowl game again until 1968. Paul Bear Bryant would go to Alabama and as they proverbially say “the rest is history.”

When asked why he was going to go to Alabama Bryant was quoted to have said “Mamma called. And when Mama calls, you just have to come runnin.”

And THE University of Texas in 1957? The Horns played Ole Miss (an SEC team) in the Sugar Bowl in New Orleans. It was Darryl K. Royal’s first year as head coach. They lost 39-7 to the Rebels. Hotty Toddy!

BTHO North Carolina State

Go Dawgs!

Happy New Year!

 

 

Sunday, December 30, 2018 – The Eve of the Eve

Sunday, December 30, 2018 – The Eve of the Eve

It is the eve of New Year’s Eve; ah bitter chill it was. Wait that is The Eve of St. Agnes by Keats when the bitter chill takes place. That is not until January 20. We also have Alfred Lord Tennyson’s version St. Agnes’ Eve. I guess plagiarism was not as evident back then.

Speaking of saints, chills, and Tennyson, how about that Charge of the Light Brigade by Notre Dame yesterday? Half a yard; half a yard; half a yard onward into the valley of death rode the Irish. Notre Dame could not summon enough saints and begorrah to even make it interesting. At least Oklahoma tried a comeback. I told you that ND does not do well in a bowl with Cotton in its name.

Here’s what I’m thinking. Next football season why don’t Clemson and Alabama play to start the season? That can be their very own personal national football championship. Then in January of 2020 two other teams can have a shot at the big trophy stick. Other fans would like to wear tacky national championship hats too.

Tomorrow, actual New Year’s Eve starts the SEC Bowl Conference. Tomorrow we find Missouri versus Oklahoma State and Unranked North Carolina versus the fighting Texas Aggies.

These games are followed by LSU, Mississippi State, Kentucky and Georgia.

And to get thee to a summary. The entire Pride of the Big 12 Conference rests between Oklahoma State and THE University of Texas. Missouri is peaking and it depends on which Oklahoma State takes the field. But Georgia is really pissed off. Those Dawgs are mad dawgs. Run Bevo!

Tomorrow – The Aggies and UT in the Gator Bowl 1957 history. Yes, the SEC – it just means more!

Friday, December 28, 2018 – The College Football Sneaky Snarky Friday

Friday, December 28, 2018 – The College Football Sneaky Snarky Friday

Congratulations to the Baylor Bears in their victory over the Vanderbilt Commodores by a whopping score of 45 to 38 in the Academy Sport and Outdoors Texas Bowl. Perhaps if you both field defensive squads next year, you can up your bowl game. Vandy, your defense looked it was Lionel Richie and the Commodores.

Earlier that day in the Walk-on Independence Bowl Duke realized it really is a basketball school and walked on in the second half to score some 45 unanswered points to win over Temple 56- 27.

In the New Era Pinstripe Bowl Wisconsin beat the Miami Hurricanes down to a Category Zero by a score of 35 to 3. May I suggest for a new era, you do not name a football game after a fabric pattern?

Today as I key this we have Purdue and Auburn playing in the Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl. Auburn? Purdue? Take a Nap? Hmm.

By the evening hours we begin to drift into the Better Big Boy Big School Bowls. These are the bigger games with top players.

It is during this time period we the multitude of players who get to play in The I Did Something Stupid and Made Poor Choices Bowl and/or The I’m Not Playing for My School Because I’m Going to Combine and Will Make Millions and You’re Not Bowl.

Let’ start with the West Virginia Hillbillies and Syracuse in the Camping World Bowl. Expect the usual tacky, home-spun looking WVA uniforms and some visually unaesthetic orange from Syracuse.  Hope the second string QB for WVA is ready.

If anyone is interest you can watch Iowa State and Washington State in the Valero Alamo Bowl. This does not begin until 8:00 so it is necessary to get a proper amount of sleep because Saturday starts the games with the best of the best.

Saturday begins with Florida and Michigan at noon in the Chick-Fil-A Peach Bowl. This sounds like Hooter girls making a peach cobbler bowl.

At the 3:00 hour we have the Creepy Leprechaun and the Halo Gold Helmets on the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame and another variation on orange on the Clemson Tigers. This is the Goodyear Cotton Bowl Classic in the first of the College Playoff Semi-final Game. Not to worry. The game is Jerry World in Arlington and not the old Cotton Bowl Stadium where bowl games go to be canceled. Just a quick reminder to Notre Dame – you don’t play well in The Cotton Bowl regardless of where it is played. Clemson doesn’t need all of their players to beat you.

The second College Playoff Semi-final Game is the Capital One Orange Bowl at 7:00. We have the University of Oklahoma and the University of Alabama. Like Clemson, Alabama does not need all of players to beat anyone either. Why does OU go by OU when it should be UO? I don’t know.

Anyway you have OUUA or UOUA. or UAOU.  They all rhyme with Tua. ROLL TIDE!