Category Archives: humor

Friday, August 31, 2018 – Snarky Friday

Friday, August 31, 2018 – Snarky Friday

Happy Snarky Football Friday. Last night we had the opportunity to see two schools’ fund raisers to fund their entire athletic department. Pistol Pete and the Cowboys of Oklahoma State beat Missouri State 58-17. That Mullet is looking good, Mike.

Kyle Field 8.30.18 Photo by KB

Of course my eyes were glued to the Texas Aggies versus Northwestern State. I told you, Demons, that Kyle Field was loud. Three false starts in a row on the first series. Twelfth Man.

Of course we all held our breath when Northwestern scored in the Fourth Quarter. So what if the Aggies were ahead 50+ to zero. Final score Aggies 59 and Northwestern 7 plus a large percentage the gate receipts like Missouri State gets.

In the horrible 11:00 AM spot on Saturday we have following games with teams who must have done something back to get stuck here.

In the O-State battle we find Ohio State and Oregon State on ABC. The Beavers and Suspension.

Also at the non-football game time of 11 am we find THE University of Texas and Maryland on FS 1. Was it really necessary to throw Texas coach, Tom Herman, under that bus because he went to a strip club with the domestic abuser? What are you trying to do? Go dot your “I” with a tuba, Ohio State.

Hotty Totty, God Almighty! On ESPN we have the Rebels of Old Miss and the Raiders of Texas Tech. I do not think you are allowed to throw tortillas at NRG Stadium in Houston or write graffiti on the buses, Tech.

The Sooners of Oklahoma and QB Kyler Murray take on FAU (whoever that is and I’m too lazy to look it up) on FOX. I hope Murray has gained some weight. When he played for Texas A&M, he looked like he was one tackle away from a body cast.

Clemson and Furman kickoff at 11:20 on ACC Network. Come on Furman Paladins. Hope Clemson is looking ahead to next week.

The dogs are let out at 2:30 when the Washington Huskies meet the Auburn Tigers. This could be big for both the PAC 12 and the SEC conferences. It’s on ABC.

Opposite on CBS we find the Georgia Bulldogs playing the Austin Peay Governors. UGA going to peay all over the Governors.

Speaking of bulldogs. At 6:30 on ESPNU it’s the Lumberjacks of Stephen F. Austin and the Mississippi State Bulldogs. I must root for SFA since I have papers from there. However, I fear that Bullie will pee on the pines before the Jacks can give them the Ax.

In the big game, the Tide comes rolling in as Alabama and Louisville kickoff at 7:00 on ABC. In a Snark closing, I would like to say the following to all of the sports mouths. Nick Saban will decide who starts at quarterback for Alabama. All of you mouths are just speculating. I’m sure if Coach Saban needs your input he will call you. Roll Tide.

Thursday, August 30, 2018 – Here We Go, Jimbo! Getting Prepared

Thursday, August 30, 2018 – Here We Go, Jimbo! Getting Prepared

Okay, Jimbo, as a Former Student, Class of 1985, and nearing age 70, I want to see some of that 75 million in action tonight. WHOOP!

 

I have been waiting for this since 1967. That is when I first wanted to go to Texas A&M University. As usual, I was slightly ahead of my time. My dear, departed Honeyboy told me that I could attend “any college in the state of Texas except that long, haired, hippie, Communist school in Austin.” I am pretty sure he was not referring to St. Edwards.

But through a long and winding path from the Piney Woods of East Texas at Stephen F. Austin, and the Davy Crockett Forests of Sam Houston State, I finally made it to Texas A&M University. Once you drink the Kool-Aid, your blood turns maroon.

Tonight opens the Jimbo Fisher era and as always there is hope and promise of championships on the minds of every Aggie. The Aggies are prepared and you should be prepared for watching the game on the SEC Network at 7:30. Here are my handy, dandy suggestions for watching Texas Aggie football. One must have the following readily at hand:

  • The four basic food groups – Sweet, salty, alcohol and chocolate – are within twelve steps of access.
  • All screens, including phone, are charged or plugged into recliner. I only have six this year; I sold the TV on the patio.
  • Ensure all apps are up to date: Twitter, ESPN, ESPN Watch and all the Aggie apps.
  • Musical little football that plays War Hymn is near.
  • Dammit Doll is close for slamming into recliner or throwing toward the television. Try not to scare the cat.
  • Windows and doors to patio are closed so neighbors do not hear you sound like the sailors on shore leave in a bar with dancing poles. Now you know why I do not have a TV on the patio.
  • Should not be a factor tonight, but I always ensure I have a paper bag near in case of hyperventilation and YouTube video for self CPR in the event I stop breathing. This is only necessary in close games.

Here is a note of local flavor when watching the game tonight. One of the quarterbacks for Northwestern is from Navasota, Texas. That is just down Highway 6 a piece from College Station. Shelton Eppler was all-state QB and took his high school team of Rattlers to state and won the championship. Watch for him. He is number five and will be on the ground under an Aggie linebacker. Seriously, I hope he plays well and makes Navasota proud.

BTHO Northwestern

Wednesday, August 29, 2018 – Time to Start Getting Ready! Be Cool!

Wednesday, August 29, 2018 – Let’s Get This Party Started! Be Cool!

What are you wearing to the Aggie game tomorrow? I will be wearing a maroon T-shirt and shorts and tennis shoes. I will be sitting in my air conditioned living room on my high tech recliner. To accessorize I will be holding a maroon and white Texas Aggie Coozie fitted with an amber glass bottle of liquid. I hope I have enough amber bottles to get through the Fourth Quarter.

The Aggies will take the field tomorrow evening at 7:30 against Northwestern State University. Temperature in Kyle Field should have fallen into the lower 90’s by kickoff. It is going to be hot. Hot and muggy. Welcome to August in Texas.

However, The Aggies will be cool thanks to Adidas and their technology. “Jerseys are body-mapped for a refined fit.” I am not sure what that means, but it sounds like the jersey fits perfectly on the player. Jerseys have these ribbed knit patterns that are engineered mesh panels. These mesh panels channel a feature something Adidas made up called Climacool. It provides breathability and cooling zones to the players. The inside of the jersey features silicon grip patterns on the shoulders to lock the jersey in place over the shoulder pads.

Climacool? Cooling zones? I wonder if that cooling feature comes in something my size?

As long as it comes in his size, keeps him cool and running away from defenders toward the goal line, I do not care about the high tech ribbed patterns.

Stay Cool! BTHO Northwestern

Trayveon Williams waving to ME!

 

 

Tuesday, August 28, 2018 – First Yell and Aggies We Will Yell For. (For whom we will yell?)

Tuesday, August 28, 2018 – First Yell and Aggies We Will Yell For. (For whom we will yell?)

It is the eve of the First Yell. That is meaningful to Texas A&M Aggies. Here is a partial translation for the uninformed others.

Texas A&M Midnight Yell is set for

10 P.M. Wednesday, August 29, 2018.

If the game is early (Thursday) then Midnight Yell is early at 10 P.M.

You read that correctly. The Midnight Yell will be at 10 P.M. I don’t care how much earlier it is, I’m not going. Ms. Navasota and I are still looking for our cowboy boots left somewhere in the mud in 1983 on the way to then called Midnight Yell Practice.

For the Northwestern fans and other uninformed, Midnight Yell is when as many as 30,000 people stand in Kyle Field usually at midnight (and usually drunk) and practice the yells for the coming game.

Here are two of the Texas Aggies we will be yelling for.

Signing my Fan Card at Fan Appreciation Day. Photo by me.

Starting quarterback Kellen Mond.a 6’2’/210 pounds from San Antonio, but high school is IMG Academy in Florida.

Trayveon Williams-a 5’9″/200 pounds; Running Back; from Houston, C.E. King High School.

Me: a 5’8″/not 200 pounds; Running Backwards; from Magnolia, Magnolia High School.

Trayveon Williams signing my Fan Card. Photo by the 15 year old I handed my phone to. To whom I handed my phone????

BTHO NORTHWESTERN!

Friday, August 24, 2018 – The Snark Officially Arrives

Friday, August 24, 2018 – The Snark Officially Arrives

How many schools were mentioned in yesterday’s HWIT? While you are thinking, I shall Snark Onward through the Fog.

But let’s back up. Santino Marchiol – a redshirt freshman who transferred to Arizona in June claims Texas A&M mishandled his ankle injury, provided money for recruits on unofficial visits and ran summer workouts that exceeded the maximum time allowed. The NCAA is investigating.

Marchiol played his senior season at IMG Academy in Bradenton, Florida. It is a private boarding school for athletes to improve their abilities in various sports such as tennis, soccer, golf and lacrosse. It fielded its first American football (as opposed to soccer) team in 2013. Standard tuition for one year of boarding at IMG Academy is $68,500 plus a team sport competition and training gear fee that ranges from $3,750-$4,250 depending on the sport. A single semester costs $39,400.

Here’s what I’m thinking.

Dear Transfer Student Marchiol – AKA Whimp, Wuss and Lady Body part! Quit being an elitist whiney crybaby.

Just so you can transfer and play immediately without sitting out a year, you selfishly decided to try to throw your previous team under the bus. You took the money so that makes you complicit in your allegations.

Your claims include too long for practice sessions and films sessions exceeding the eight hours allowed a week by the NCAA. Did you have a stopwatch and were keeping time?

I do hope your transfer to Arizona is a better fit for you. I am glad you recognized that you are not tough enough to play for the Aggies or any school in the SEC. I really don’t think you could succeed at any school in the Big 12, ACC or a 6A high school team in Texas, Alabama or Georgia.

The Aggies have experienced teams under Kevin Sumlin. Even old ladies like me could have played linebacker better than some of Sumlin’s defenses. Good luck, especially in the fourth quarter. You may think it is hot in Florida or Texas, but you ain’t seen nothing like the heat of Arizona.

It seems to me that it is you versus the entire Aggie Nation. We shall see what you bring. However, those do not seem like good odds to me. Anyway, I hope you like Drake played during practices.

Sincerely,

The Snark

This weekend marks the first anniversary of Hurricane Harvey.

PS – Ten schools were mentioned. Texas A&M, Mississippi State, LSU, Arkansas, South Carolina, Florida, THE University of Texas, Baylor and Oklahoma State.

 

 

Thursday, August 23, 2018 – One Week and It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year – College Football Begins

Thursday, August 23, 2018 – One Week and It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year – College Football Begins

Follow the bouncing football and sing along to my version of It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year. Click on the arrow for the instrumental.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year;

The Aggies are Gigging,

The Cowbells are ringing,

The Tigers are here!

It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

It’s the hap, happiest season of all;

The Hogs are a rooting,

The Gamecocks are roosting,

The Gators are tall,

It’s the hap, happiest season of all.

They’ll be tailgates for hosting

With brags and such boastings

From bowl games from long, long ago.

There’ll be Nick Saban stories

Of tales of past glories

With Championship Rings just for show.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

The Horns are a Hooking,

The Bears are a looking,

The Cowboys are feared,

It’s the most wonderful time …

It’s the most wonderful time …

It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

Friday, August 17, 2018 – Snarky Friday

Friday, August 17, 2018 – Snarky Friday

Come along and be my party school; Come along and be my party school; come along and be my party school and I’ll flunk out with you.

Twelve thousand (12,000) Aggies move in this weekend. That is the estimated amount moving in to live on campus. This does not include off campus residents. Classes begin on August 27. I do not know why the first day of classes is not August 30. Might as well add to the total transportation and confusion on campus with Reveille VIII’s internment, freshman ticket pull, the SEC trucks setting up, tailgating and the season opener for the football team.

Snarking onward through the fog…

See where your alma mater or your school of support lays on this grid of Academics and Partying. I am confident the research done by Barstool Sports is accurate, reliable, and valid. I can speak from experience that research conducted in bars becomes louder and less reliable as the tequila shots become more abundant.

https://www.barstoolsports.com/barstoolu/an-advanced-analytical-look-at-the-academics-partying-college-chart-going-viral/

 

Here are my interpretations. I see most of the SEC conference in the Most Party/Least Academic quadrant, including Alabama, Auburn, LSU, Mississippi State and Ole Miss. Of course the Texas Aggies are Most Party/High Academic. Remember that an often forgotten attribute of why the SEC wanted the Aggies was – to raise the GPA of the SEC. Georgia in the same quadrant as the Aggies? Really? You host the Largest Cocktail Party when you play Florida!

From the Big 12 I see Texas Tech as Most Party/Least Academic. Of course if I had to live in Lubbock I would have to party 24/7. I see Baylor as Most Academic/Least Party. The surveyors obviously did not interview members of my family regarding the party aspect. Oklahoma State appears to be Most Party and Low academics. Again, if I had to live in Stillwater, I would do the same as if I lived in Lubbock. THE University of Texas at Austin in the High Party/High Academic. TU, just because you are in the same quadrant as Stanford, you cannot compete with them academically. Smart people versus super smart people.

I see BYU as the Least Party/Most Academic. Those Mormons don’t even drink Dr. Peppers! The Most Party/Least Academic “honor” goes to The University of West Virginia – Moonshine University where they burn sofas and couches when the football team wins.

I hope you can find you school of support. It appears many lie bunched around or on the axis.

It is indeed time for colleges and universities to move in and start to party. As the adage says “College is a fountain of knowledge where kids go to drink.” But don’t drink and drive.

Tuesday, August 14, 2019 – The Family Hoods and Vikings

Tuesday, August 14, 2019 – The Family Hoods and Vikings

Congratulations to my gnephew, Brandon for receiving his Masters in Taxation degree and being hooded at Baylor University.Here is a picture of two of the four family hoods. We will see if we can obtain a photo of the other two family hoods – the MSW and the J.D. Nine degrees of book learning among the four of us and we can barely recognize a hammer, let alone use one.

After the graduation and hooding ceremony some of the family members went to The Waco Hilton to toast Brandon with a glass of champagne. I am so glad I went because Girlfriends, I found us some dates. That’s right I got one for me and there are some for you, in fact probably a tribe of them, right from a bar in Waco, Texas. I believe these men were from the First Barbarian Church of the Visigoths out on a Saturday doing the church visitations before the evening raids.

The man in the droopy jeans, T-shirt and blue piss pot (Aggie term) on his head holding a long pole is Captain America. Not exactly how I envisioned Captain America, but then again, I never envisioned America this way either.

Next girl trip to Waco we shall meet at the Waco Hilton. Sign up now before the Viking ship sails the up the Brazos.

Monday, August 13, 2018 – The Fans Appreciated –

 

Monday, August 13, 2018 – The Fans Appreciated

Yesterday was Fan Appreciation Day at Texas A&M. Here are a few of my favorite pictures. There will be more in the days to come.

Aside from it appearing I have to go the bathroom, it’s a good picture of me and the Aggie Yell Leaders.

Coach Jimbo Fisher signing my copy of Texas Football magazine.

Getting running back Trayvon Williams autograph

Quarterback Nick Starkel

Number 11 – Quarterback Kellen Mond

Progress Report on the Proposed Re-creation of Neil Sedaka’s Calendar Girls Video

Wednesday, August 8, 2018 – Progress Report on the Proposed Re-creation of Neil Sedaka’s Calendar Girls Video

The Calendar Girls dance card is filling up quite nicely. Until we start official practices continue to sew and hot glue gun your costume and continue to work on your dance moves in the privacy of your home.

January, March, May and October are still available. And we still need a piano player. You know you want to see it again – like a wreck on the highway.

Unfortunately, January is now open. CS fell out of the choir box and her dancing shoes need to be put away for a while. We do hope for a speedy recovery. You must still participate by bringing your great sense of style, fashion ideas and of course your wonderful singing voice because I know some of us have experience in band take overs.

Joan A said she would love to be February but insists on wearing “winter clothes and a big heart.” February in Texas could mean any attire. Attire in Austin could mean anything.

March is still available. Gayla? I think you might have had a pants suit like March wears. If Gayla doesn’t respond, Karen K, March is yours.

April – Ms. Navasota is diligently sewing her Playboy Bunny outfit. I am ready to help if her sewing machine breaks.

May – I can’t believe the month of May is still available. Doesn’t anyone want to look like Joann Woodward in Three Faces of Eve wearing a 1950’s frock made from Butternick Pattern # 4589? The black and white stripe fabric design is a must. I missed the giant white bow on her dress in the video.

June –Congratulations Suzi. The month of June is yours since Knotts is still scared of you. K. Knotts did volunteer her talents from her drill team experience – The LongAgo LongViewettes to help us get a leg up. (Groan here). She’ll help us get our pictures in the Longview Society Edition.

July – Thank you Lea for being July. We trust you know how to handle sparklers. And remember as The Voice of Experience says – Don’t dance naked in the back yard with sparklers while drunk on New Year’s Eve.

August – I get to be August for the following reasons:

  • I can still point so there less downward gravitational pull (thank you trainers KQ and KB and 20 pound barbells);
  • Thankfully, both pointers are still intact; and last, but not least;
  • I have more experience wearing martyr boards with tassels and can do the tassel toss automatically.

September – Karen S gets September. You will look good in yellow. I hope there are not too many candles. Lea will be sparkling with fireworks so we must be careful. You do realize you have to dance on the piano, do a high kick and have the piano player look up your skirt?

October – “like Romeo and Juliet on Halloween” but in a really bad outfit. Who wants to be the Italian opera clown?

November – Martha, My Dear. You missed your chance. Kay took November. She gets to wear the 1920’s men’s bathing suit pattern.

December – BJ, December is still yours and you are correct. Neil seems to be a bit calendar challenged too. The winter months do seem to have more bikini outfits. With the exception of the Halloween clown, all of the “dancers” seem to show a lot of skin – especially for 1966.

Please know that CS was in only if she could wear the colors of the BCS National Championship. Since she is on the injured reserve and requested the BCS School’s colors, you can have January. CS would not look good in Crimson Tide colors and would never consider wearing any colors save purple and gold.