April 1, 2016 – My New Part-Time Position
Here’s What I’m Thinking.
I have been thinking getting a part-time job. I noticed a need in school districts across Texas during the Spring Assessment Periods which began this week called STAAR. This is how springs are now spent in the public education system in Texas. Poor children expressing high levels of anxiety in fear of having to take, then possibility retake the assessment exam as a result of so much Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, I cannot even begin to describe.
Apparently school districts are going to have to keep tract of when, and for how long a student is gone while he or she goes to the bathroom during STAAR testing or as I like to call it – Academic Lockdown. This critically important data point in data analysis is part of the never ending stream of data the TEA is required to collect by the Village Idiots under the Dome as part of the “Let’s make them count the minutes in a school day.” And you thought the end of cursive writing was the downfall of public education.
I updated my resume to include more recent work experience to display my experience in bathrooms and urine. I believe this to make me uniquely qualified for such a position – which by the way – my position is sitting, which I understand is not allowed during test monitoring.
Experience
- I go to the bathroom. Frequently. Usually when I want to, but on occasion, when I am not ready.
- TT Toter – worked as temp in an urologist office in Austin, Texas during my unfortunate unemployment that was Perrily induced when $270 million annually generated revenue was taken from school districts, public libraries and institutions of higher education.
- Responsibilities included: I actually filed files and faxed prescription renewals for Viagra to pharmacies, but there were times I did tote the TT. The TT doesn’t just flow to the lab on its own. Somebody has to walk it down there.
- Dr. Bathroom Nazi in large urban school district in Central Texas.
- Responsibilities included, but not limited to: driving to four campuses at 15 minute intervals to relieve the person guarding the bathroom so he or she could go potty. (Please note: I have a PhD and was being paid an exorbitant salary to do this on your dime, Mr. Taxpayer. Given the number of assessments, this was a responsibility for about 20 days each spring.
- Actually worked for an unnamed assessment company scoring (we do not grade) a bazillion Fifth Graders responses to a single question, making $11.50/hr – also resultant of my unfortunate Perrily induced unemployment.
Non negotiables
- Must make a very high and impressive salary to waste my time and your tax dollars.
- Must have an Impressive Title – Examples:
- Chief of Urine and Ur Not In
- Number One in Charge of TT
- Chief Executive Officer of Urine Patrol
- You’re in Control Patrol
- The Executive Director of Urinalysis Analysis Data Collector or
- Something like that that has a certain stream or flow about it.
April Fool! I am not going to back to work.
Too bad the timed urine breaks during assessment and data collection are not part of an April Fool’s joke. One would think it would be, given all of the fools that created this legislatively and politically contrived mess call K-12 public education.
Don’t forget – the only money maker in education is assessment!
Remember: Keep your voter registration card current; vote early and vote often; and God Bless Texas and teachers and school children of the state.
Here's What I'm Thinking 