Tag Archives: humor

Wednesday, July 19, 2017 – Pack Up the Babies and Grab the Old Ladies; That’s Right, You’re Not from Texas

Wednesday, July 19, 2017 – Pack Up the Babies and Grab the Old Ladies; That’s Right, You’re Not from Texas

That’s right, you’re not from Texas, but Texas wants you anyway. Even though Lyle Lovett’s song suggests Texas wants you, we really do not. We have plenty of crazy people that already live here. Like most Southerners, we like crazy people and even enjoy sitting on the front porch and sharing a cocktail with them. In Texas we like crazy people so much we elect them to high level government positions.

This week in our great state capital, Austin, many of the crazy people once again congregate under the Dome of Decisions in a Special Session called by the Governor of Texas. One of the most pressing issues and urgent issues is to help us sort out where to void our bladders in public places associated with educational institutions. This is known as The Bathroom Bill or Senate Bill 6. So, paraphrasing the great Neil Diamond “Pack up the babies and grab the old ladies, cause everyone knows it’s Brother Dan’s Show.”

The entire Texas legislature seems to be obsessed with human body functions, like abortion, sex of any kind (yes, last session they passed a no sex with animals bill), homosexuality, transgendered people and where people poop and pee and shower and change clothes (locker rooms). And for some reason they think they can control these bodily functions legislatively.

The lieutenant Governor of Texas, Dan Patrick, aka Saint Evangelical, seems to be overly obsessed with where individuals go to the bathroom. So much he is apparently ready to fall on the proverbial sword to push this through the Texas Legislature.

Here’s what I’m thinking. What if educational institutions selected a strategically located facility in the building, and put a new sign on the door designating it

The I. P. Freely Bathroom sponsored by Saint Evangelical.

A cost savings suggestion is, just write it on the wall next to the facility. I think that is where the handwriting is. Besides, think how much money public schools could have to focus on teaching and learning rather than peeing and pooping.

“I see a bad moon rising…” Creedence Clearwater Revival. Photo by me. Looking out my backyard – also by CCR.

Keep your voter registration card current and your Texas photo voter ID too.

Bathroom bill opens deep rift in Texas GOP

Thursday, July 6, 2017 – Lazy, Hazy, Crazy Days of Summer and G-20

Thursday, July 6, 2017 – Lazy, Hazy, Crazy Days of Summer and G-20

Here’s What I’m Thinking. Get your history hat on.

The POTUS is out of the country. Our political prayer for the day is “please do not let him tweet and start a war.”

He is headed to the G-20 Summit that kicks off tomorrow in Hamburg, Germany. The Chair of the Conference is Head of State of Germany, Angela Merkel. It is a meeting to discuss world financial issues and has been going on since 1999 (Google it).

I am feeling like The Hippie Dippy Weatherman (George Carlin) “A line of thunderstorms is headed toward Japan, but so is a line of North Korean missiles, so I would not sweat the thunderstorms.” Is the emoji for this a mushroom shaped cloud over Alaska or the Secretary of Education telling children to “just get under their desks and put your hands over your heads?”

The POTUS visited Poland on his way to Germany. When That Man tweets at 3:00 AM that “His Presidency received the largest crowds ever” please remember your history.

  1. Most of those crowds were bused in. They are somewhat like Extras in a crowd scene in a movie. If one knew their history, he or she would know this.
  2. Had he or his staff bothered to check a history book he would see that since September 1, 1939, Poland has taken a rough ride in history. Actually, it goes way back further, but we’ll start with the September first date. First it was those Nazis tanks overpowering a military that was riding horses waving sabers.Then it was the Soviets and that Iron Curtain. So when he tweets “I am the BEST,” remember previous Presidents were not allowed to visit. Something about that Soviet Union travel ban during a period known as The Cold War. Ask your buddy VP. Not the Vice President.
  3. The POTUS is also meeting with the leader of Russia Vladimir Putin. I wonder if Vlad will serve Moscow Mules in a symbolic gesture of what the POTUS means to him.

As the 20 Heads of State gather in Germany, let us end with a history joke.

The Heads of State of Germany, The United States and Russia meet in a bar. The three are to discuss world issues and strategies to achieve them. As the evening progresses and drinking continues, the German head of state remains silent. The heads of state from the United States and Russia outline elaborate strategies. Finally, German leader is asked for input. She looks at the Russian and says, “Next time we will come in the summer.”

Wednesday, June 21, 2017 –Estival Solstice and a New Ken

Wednesday, June 21, 2017 –Estival Solstice and a New Ken

Our new word for the day is “Estival.” It is an adjective that means pertaining or appropriate to summer. Today marks the summer solstice or the estival solstice. It is the longest day of the year with the longest twilight. I wonder if that translates to the longest happy hour.

Texas Stonehenge – Kerrville, Texas Photo by me

If you want to learn more about the summer solstice, pretend you are in Mr. Michael’s 9th Grade physical science class and click on the link. There are some pretty cool illustrations. To my Alaska friends, get out the sleep masks; there is going to be a lot of sunlight.

https://www.vox.com/science-and-health/2017/6/19/15832952/summer-solstice-2017

Since this is a long day, let us catch up on what I have been thinking.

Please sign the online petition to never allow Texas A&M to play TCU in baseball.

Tropical storm Cindy is about the make landfall through New Orleans and the southern states bringing inches plus of rain. It would be nice if there was a FEMA Director. Doesn’t FEMA stand for Federal EMERGENCY MANAGEMENT? Just in case the low lying areas need help or have an emergency.

Congratulations to Diana Taurasi for becoming the all-time leading scorer in professional women’s basketball. Thank you Title IX and believers in women’s athletics. Thank you, Diana.

The 2017 Texas A&M Maroon out game is with Auburn on Saturday, November Fourth. I was hoping the Maroon Out game would be with Alabama, but I will take Auburn. It is always fun to do Snarky Fridays when the Aggies play a school named after a hair color. And perhaps the Aggies can count on a modicum of support from The Tide.

Did you know there is new Ken doll? Mattel updated Barbie’s long-time, gay boyfriend, Ken, to create a diversity look. There are actually 15 new Kens. They have different skin colors, different body types and different hair styles and colors. Body types include slim, original and large. Various hair styles even include the man bun.

I have not researched the various Ken dolls, but I hope there is Cut-n-Shoot/Porter Ken. This Ken would wear jeans, boots, a torn T-shirt, and a Make America Great Again cap. Of course he would drive a pick-up truck; would be overweight, have a beer belly and sport a mullet. He would come with diabetes prescription, a six-pack of Miller Lite, a pack of Marlboros and a worn EZ-Boy Recliner. Remote control, trailer and pit bulls not included.

As I said I have not researched the various Kens, but here’s what I’m thinking. These Kens, like those who preceded him, are genitalia challenged or sans male body parts. Perhaps Barbie likes him that way.

It is going to be a long day. Enjoy the estival solstice.

Friday, May 19, 2017 – Stella! Hey Stella! A Street Car Named Desire in 37 Words.

Friday, May 19, 2017 – Stella! Hey Stella! A Street Car Named Desire in 37 Words.

NOLA – 2017 – Copyright Delia R. Duffey 2017

They told me to take a streetcar named Desire and then transfer to one called Cemeteries and ride six blocks and get off at Elysian Fields.

Stella! Hey Stella!

I’ve always depended on the kindness of strangers.

The Desire Line Streetcar is named after Desire Street in New Orleans. The Pulitzer Prize winning play by Tennessee Williams is Southern Gothic at its finest. New Orleans. Crazy people.

In the South we are proud of our crazy people. In fact, we like to sit on the front porch with them and have cocktails. Howeveh, many of us do not like to elect crazy people president of the United States. We prefer that governor of a state is plenty politics for crazy people.

Here’s what I’m thinking.

I bet when Trumpet said “I’m going to drain the swamp,” he forgot to check and see how many alligators lived there.”

I doubt Trumpet will repeat Blanche’s line as she is carted off to the looney bin. But he could tweet it at 3:00 AM.

Tuesday, May 9, 2017 – When the Quote Comes Back to Haunt You

Tuesday, May 9, 2017 – When the Quote Comes Back to Haunt You

Good Morning Class,

Today we will examine four quotations. Two quotes are from previous presidents of the United States; one is from a high ranking US government official and one is from the current president, Donald Trumpet. Note: the last quote was said during the campaign, but seems to be applicable to any situation and issue today.

Your assignment is to complete your predicted result by filling in the blank for quote number four.

Ready?

  1. “I am not a crook.” Richard Millhouse Nixon. Result: Resignation
  2. “I did not have sex with that woman.” William (Bill) Jefferson Clinton. Result: Impeachment
  3. “…no evidence of collusion with Russia and Trump.” Director Clapper speaking about President Clapper. Result: Security guard at Wal-Mart.
  4. “I am the innocent one.” Donald J. Trump. Result: ______________________

Monday, May 8, 2017 – Teacher Appreciation Week and More from the Pen of the Governor.

Monday, May 8, 2017 – Teacher Appreciation Week and More from the Pen of the Governor.

The Governor of Texas, Abbot sans Costello, designated the week of May 8 – 12 as Teacher Appreciation Week. So if you are reading this, then thank a teacher and tell them how much you appreciated them. For Extra Credit: Count the number of pencils in the picture.

Of course Abbot sans Costello also signed Senate Bill 4 into law in a secret ceremony live on Facebook. SB 4 is known as “the sanctuary city bill.” In Spanish it means “show us your papers” while we check your immigration status.

Here’s what I’m thinking. If you are a teacher of color or do not have Born in the USA (Thank you, Bruce Springsteen) on your birth certificate, I am not sure how appreciated you are going to feel.

Thursday, May 4, 2017 – May the Fourth Be With You. Cinco de Mayo Primer

Thursday, May 4, 2017 – May the Fourth Be With You. Cinco de Mayo Primer

Here’s what I’m thinking today. As the scary Orange Vader from the Dark continues to usurp power from the Ordinaries, formerly known as Voters, our tales of Starless Wars continue.

Good opening, don’t you think? Today is celebrate Star Wars day. I am certain this next statement will get me removed from The Big Bang Theory fan club. I prefer Star Trek over Star Wars. And I like The Next Generation. Of course it has to do with a better looking crew, but I also identified with the empath, Commander Deanna Troi. Of course it was Commander Troi who crashed the space ship in the movie.

Tomorrow promises to be mucho more fun – the celebration of Cinco de Mayo. Since this question comes every year at this time, I shall now provide you with some responses and just enough history of the holiday for the first round of drinks. This will come in handy when you are celebrating when someone asks, “What is Cinco de Mayo?”

It is NOT Mexico’s Independence Day. That date is September 16 when the country celebrates its independence from Spain. Cinco de Mayo celebrates the victory of the Mexican army over the French army at the 1862 Battle of Puebla. I am sure the US would sent troops to help had Orange Vader been successful in time travel and in preventing the engagement the US was involved in during 1862,

The day is not that popular in Mexico and began in California during the time of The American Civil war with Americans of Mexican descent hoping to raise money for Mexico’s troops and independence effort.

The celebration of the day began in the 1970’s and 1980’s when American beer companies began targeting and marketing to the Spanish speaking population.

In conclusion Cinco de Mayo is pretty much an American day of celebration originating with a commercial interest. Forbes estimates that 80 million pounds of avocadoes are consumed on this day in The United States.

How does Orange Vader plan to get that amount of avocadoes over The Wall?

Oh well, Wait Staff Person? Another round please. One frozen, no salt. One on the rocks with salt. Two Dos Equis. One Corona. Donde esta el bano?

Photo by me. January 15, 1991. Inauguration of Governor Ann Richards.

Info taken from: http://www.ajc.com/news/local/facts-about-cinco-mayo-you-should-know-but-probably-don/pY6RsKLlc02fUMjur3M0PO/

Fiza Pirani The Atlanta Journal-Constitution 3:50 p.m Tuesday, May 2, 2017 National/World News

Monday, May 1, 2017 – Mayday! Ring Around the May Pole. My First 100 Days

Monday, May 1, 2017 – Mayday! Ring Around the May Pole. My First 100 Days

Good Morning, Boys and Girls.

It is the first day of May. May Day should not be confused with “Mayday.” Nor should it be confused with the May Pole. They are both Republican traditions that date back for centuries. (FYI – that is fake news.)

First: Mayday

Today I found out why those aboard planes and ships use the word “Mayday” to indicate they are in extreme distress.

In 1923, a senior radio officer, Frederick Stanley Mockford, in Croydon Airport in London, England was asked to think of one word that would be easy to understand for all pilots and ground staff in the event of an emergency.

The problem had arisen as voice radio communication slowly became more common, so an equivalent to the Morse code SOS distress signal was needed.  Obviously a word like “help” wasn’t a good choice for English speakers because it could be used in normal conversations where no one was in distress.

At the time Mockford was considering the request, much of the traffic he was dealing with was between Croydon and Le Bourget Airport in Paris, France. With both the French and English languages in mind, he came up with the somewhat unique word “Mayday”, the anglicized spelling of the French pronunciation of the word “m’aider” which means “help me”.

http://www.todayifoundout.com/index.php/2014/01/planes-ships-used-word-mayday-distress/

Second: The May Pole Dance – This is the origin of pole dancing in America. (FYI – That is also fake-news.)

Puritan Dude pointing out immoral behavior of crew when alcohol is served. Origin of gentlemen’s clubs and judging evangelicals. (FYI – Altered Facts.)

http://time.com/4305252/controversial-maypole-history/

Three: My First 100 Days

Due to space limitations and Sean Spicer’s inability to speak coherently, I shall limit my accomplishments to just the really big; BIG! Big numbers, real good; awesome; major; best days in history of America: all about me.

During My First 100 Days, I have not:

Angered the entire free world, including the historical allies

Really angered the most dangerous nation in the world

Berated the press and all media

Given fake-news or altered facts on national TV or anywhere else

Put my feet on the couch in the Oval Office

Tweeted diplomatic policies at 3:00 AM. Although I usually go to the bathroom about that time, but I am not tweeting.

Accused anybody of wire-tapping my office or spying on me through my microwave

Appointed someone with less credentials than my cat who wants to privatized the public education system

Had a beautiful piece of chocolate cake while sitting across from a foreign leader while sending Tomahawk missiles into a country

Played golf as many times as the potus, but probably played better

Neither have I accomplished any legislation.

Of course I could go on and on because I am so wonderful. Really, really good. Awesome. Best Ever. They like me! They really like me!

So our words/phrases for today are: MAYDAY x 3. May Pole Dancing. And the first 100 Days. What does those words have in common? Trumpet up.

Tuesday, April 4, 2017 – Cat Karma. Tagged You’re Found!

Tuesday, April 4, 2017 – Cat Karma. Tagged You’re Found!

Cat karma is what I get for posting a poem written by a cat yesterday. I suspect some sort of cat curse was placed on me by my high school friend, Jenny Lee yesterday. It was probably her clowder of cats that placed the curse, but here is the story.

I live in a community where most of the residents have dogs – those short legged, yappy lap dogs. I have never seen a cat in the neighborhood the entire three years I have lived here. Furthermore, I seldom go outside in the front yard in the evening because the neighbors are walking their yappy lap dogs. Or in some cases pushing the dog in a baby carriage.

Yesterday I stepped into the front only to see a cat opposite me sitting on the sidewalk. As I approached the feline she initially ran into the gutter, but immediately came to me. FYI – I was not aware of the gender until later.

Of course it almost 30 minutes before tip-off of the NCAA men’s championship game and I have a squirming cat in my arms and no one claiming her. The cat and I go to my home. I am not missing the game. Obviously, cat is comfortable.

Pets seem to know that even though they are wearing tags with data base and microchip phone numbers and data base and microchip info all of those places are closed at 6:30 in the evening.

A quick trip to the convenience store and I’m back with input and output supplies for the cat. After cat participated in input and output activities, and after a little cat soccer with plastic golf balls, cat is in my lap for the evening.

What luck! Cat is a Tar Heels Fan too!

After a fabulous basketball game – both teams should be very proud – cat beats me to bedroom and takes up middle of bed. I think – you are not Reveille and I am not sleeping on the floor. MOVE!

But alas – an 8:00 am phone call to vet clinic listed on the tag this morning revealed that Tommy belonged to my neighbor Faye – four townhomes away. By 8:15 am Tommy was home with Pet Parent. Poor Faye – said she’d been up three or four times during the night looking for her.

Please ensure your pets are tagged and chipped. I am still pretty sure Jenny Lee had something to do with this cat showing up. Maybe it is Miss. Navasota.

Tuesday, March 28, 2017 – STAAR – Assessment Tails Wagging the Dogs of Education. Academic Lockdown

Tuesday, March 28, 2017 – STAAR – Assessment Tails Wagging the Dogs of Education. Academic Lockdown.

This is for all educators across the school districts across Texas.

Good Morning Boys and Girls,

I hope you are rested, well-fed, anxiety free, and prepared for the state assessment tests beginning today. The fact that your educational future is dependent upon your performance on this test should be put far back into your mind.

My career as a public school administrator began in central office when it was TABS. Takes you back doesn’t it? Texas Assessment of Basic Skills if I recall. It was part of the 1984 education reforms.

When I moved to the Texas Education Agency (TEA) in 1989 my entire division’s opening lines for presentations to educational institutions were: “Good Morning, my name is _______ . I am from TEA and I have NOTHING to do with Assessment or PEIMS.”

However, what goes around comes around. Captain Hair Spray, then governor of Texas and now in charge of our nation’s energy and Texas A&M Student Body elections, line-item vetoed the entire agency where I then worked and removed $270 MILLION dollars ANNUALLY from public schools, public libraries and institutions of higher education. This single stroke of a pen sent me and many others spiraling downward into the pits of Assessments – probably located in the same level of Dante’s Hell as the politicians are.

Here is a look back on my career in assessment.

RP Unemployment – Scoring (we do not grade) assessment tests for $10.00 an hour or $11.50 an hour at night from 4:30PM – 10:30 PM. I would tell you more, but I might still be under Pearson non-disclosure papers. My therapist and I are still working through this repressive period of my life which I usually refer to as seeing “the asshole of education.” You talk about tax dollars at work – assessment is the place. And no, scoring is not always done by teachers or any other types of educators. If one can produce a piece of paper from an accredited educational institution with fancy writing and fog a mirror you are pretty much in.

I was fortunate to obtain a position in a central Texas school district as a central office administrator. Please, allow me to share my assessment experiences and your tax dollars at work.

One Year – I was An Assessment Bathroom Nazi – my role was to visit four assigned campuses in the morning and the same four in the afternoon. My duties were to relieve the individual guarding a bathroom for their 15 minute potty break. Please note there was another brigade of Assessment Lunch Nazis moving around their respective campuses to allow the actual test proctors a 30 minute lunch break. Also note that most of us driving around the district were highly paid central office administrators who also receive district mileage per diem.

One Year – I proctored the testing of a single 5th grade student in the campus’ computer lab. I suppose I was placed in that location because I was a technology administrator and he was placed there because he took his test via a tape recorder. This adorable young man was alone because his testing style accommodations included that he listened to the test via recordings.

For those not familiar with the ever changing testing rules, test proctors are not allowed to sit, eat, have a cell phone, check email if in computer lab, read, average grades and/or do anything else to be productive and alleviate the instant boredom for the next three and a half hours that sets in as soon as the student begins the test.

Remember the students are allowed to have snacks. I do not remember this extremely bright young man’s name, but at one point he looked at me and said “Dr. D. You look awful. Would you like some of my snacks?”

One Year – I proctored three fifth grade students in a classroom in a portable building. Just before I was to start reading the instructions at precisely at 8:30 AM – must be read verbatim at this time according to rules – I realized I had not signed out the instruction manual when I signed all of the other documents I had to sign that morning.

I think to myself – I am an experienced educator. I got this. “Hey, two boys and one girl. Seems I forgot something. Let’s all go back in the main building. I will get what I need and you can get a free bathroom break.” Off we go – still in single file – We are locked out of the main building. Remember, I do not get to take a cell phone.

Fast forward – Bang on outside door until somebody opens it; I sign document that says I forgot to pick up instruction manual; I must initial and resign document that I states I picked up instruction manual; students get free bathroom opportunity; I do not get to go and at 8: 38 AM verbatim instructions are read to three students.

10:05 AM– Campus counselor interrupts testing by knocking on door of portable classroom to inform me that I must be written up for not following rules and forgetting my instruction manual and not starting the test on time. I politely remind her that I came looking for her prior to the beginning of test, within time frame and she was off campus – also against the rules. “So I am going to have to write you up too, including the interruption of the test so you could tell me.”

Next morning – the truly awesome principal calls me in and together we discuss (i.e. Eye rolls over Starbucks) the two write ups – hers and mine. I still remember him saying as he shredded all of the write-ups “Assessment days suck! Well, I have to go earn my highly paid administrative salary and let Coach Jones go to the bathroom.”

That May I retired from education. Assessment – the Cesspool of Education.

Good luck, Boys and Girls. Good luck educators. And God Bless Texas and its Public School System.