Tag Archives: Auburn

Monday, November 2, 2015 – The Monday After Saturday College Football Awards.

Posted on November 2, 2015 | 1 comment

Monday, November 2, 2015 – The Monday After Saturday College Football Awards.

What a wicked weekend of college football it was. There is so much ado, we must further it immediately. Our awards are brought to you today by The Stevie Wonder, Ray Charles and Helen Keller School for college football referees located on the campus of Miami.

The Halloween Costume Category

In the Halloween Costume Category the BEST Halloween Costume in college football goes to Texas A&M quarterback Kyler Murray who dressed as a smarter, quicker and faster Johnny Manziel.

The WORST Halloween Costume in college football goes to the Texas Aggie Defense who dressed as a Home School Coed Field Hockey Team. They obviously set their clocks back on the wrong day and showed up an hour late, but in time for the second half.

Now, let’s all take a deep breath and realize that the SCARIEST Halloween Costume was the Auburn Defense that dressed as pretty good football players. Mad Max Muschamp and the Ole Miss Pissed Us Off team is soon to arrive in College Station, Texas. Note: The Auburn team will be staying at the Motel 6 in South College Station. They’ll leave the light on for you.

Coach Muschamp – Due to the high demand for tickets to the Texas Aggie/Auburn football game and to give you a Hearty Welcome Back to College Station for Visit # 2, there were no more hotel rooms at the Motel 6. Therefore, you are staying at the Bates Motel, off of the Old Highway. That would be the old highway to Hearne. Ask for Mama. Your reservation is under the name: Asshole.

This weekend’s top winners and sharing The Zero Award as in Zero Losses are: Ohio State, Baylor, LSU and Clemson. I know only Clemson played and the rest had the weekend off. Who cares? The Selection Committee speaks tomorrow.

And now to the other awards.

I have no words. As if Austin and THE University needed more bad weather when the Cyclones hit. Perhaps you should have pretended you were playing USC from that National Championship year.

In The Ethyl Merman There’s No Business Like Show Business as in There’s No Defense Like No Defense Like No Defense to Show Award,

Third Place goes to Oklahoma (OU) for scoring 62 points against Kansas with 7.

Second Place goes to Arkansas for scoring 63 points against Tennessee Martin with 21.

And First Place – scoring an NCAA college football record with an all-time high score in regulation – with a six-man football score – is shared by Oklahoma State University with 70 and Texas Tech with 53. Total all-purpose yardages for both teams was about a bazillion.

From the Files of the Fabulous Finishes:

The Award for The Blew It and Screwed It Award goes to The Refereeing Crew for the Duke and Miami Game. This is awarded for the 9 minute Official Review and “Upon further review” still got it wrong. The Miami player’s knee was down at the first lateral and the play and game was over.

The Peg Leg Award goes to the Washington State field goal kicker who, after making five field goals in the game, missed a sixth attempt of 43 yards and Stanford survives 30 to 28. Told you Mike Leach would be a pirate.

From the Mascot Files:

Notre Dame 24 Temple University 20.

Temple University has really cool live mascot named great-horned Owl named Stella. http://www.temple.edu/athletics/stella-owl

The Owl was chosen as the mascot because it is a nocturnal creature. Temple University was founded in 1884 by Russel Conwell, a Yale-educated Boston lawyer and ordained Baptist minister as a night school for young people of limited means.

Notre Dame on the other hand was founded by Reverend Edward Sorin, C.S.C. and whole bunch of other Catholics from the Congregation of Holy Cross. Notre Dame has a creepy leprechaun named Walter as a mascot.

But as always the best and most beautiful mascot is the First Lady of Aggieland taking it upon herself to parade through the spirit line. Next week, let’s wait for your handler, The Yell Leaders and the team before you leave the tunnel.

Photo by Troy Taormina-USA TODAY Sports

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Posted in College Football

Tagged Auburn, Baylor, college football, LSU, mascots, Oklahoma State University, Texas, Texas A&M, Texas Longhorns, Texas Tech, The University of Texas

Friday, October 23, 2015 – The Friday Before Saturday College Football

Posted on October 23, 2015 | Leave a comment

Friday, October 23, 2015 – The Friday Before Saturday College Football – Game On

First – my apology to Myles Garrett for misspelling his name last week.

The Schedule today begins with The Rain Barrel Bowls up and down Texas Interstate 35.

Starting in Austin and playing @ 11:00 on Fox 1 is THE University of Texas and Kansas State. Tell the Wildcats they are no longer in Kansas and give them a good hooking of the Horns. I have your photograph ready to post Roomie signifying a home win and winning streak for the Horns in DKR Memorial Stadium! Stay Strong and get it done!

Traveling north to Waco we find the Iowa State Weather Patterns visiting Waco and playing Baylor @ 11:00 on ESPN. I understand one is to wear green and gold depending on your ticket location. This will make McLane Stadium green and gold striped. I know you can get yellow (gold) rain slickers at Academy, but can you get green rain slickers? Is Nike working on that? Surely with that many uniforms and shades of green Nike has got something in the warehouse they can Fed-Ex to Waco for the fans.

Crossing the state line into Norman along I-35 we find Oklahoma and Texas Tech @ 2:30 on ESPN2. I wonder what Baker and Stoops and Coach Kliff and the Red Raiders have planned against and up their respectively sleeves besides a rough history.

Taking a right turn and headed toward Stillwater we find the Cowboys of Oklahoma State playing Kansas @ 2:30 on Fox 1 and slowing creeping up in the Big 12. Go Pokes. It’s Kansas. Remember they play basketball like Kentucky does.

Remember there are only 10 teams in the Big 12 and eight are playing. So that leaves TCU and WVa having the weekend off.

Now to the games that actually have meaning (the only ones worth watching) so that means the SEC teams because Ohio State plays Rutgers.

Opposite the Rain Barrel Bowls on the SECN @ 11:00 am will be Auburn and Arkansas with last place up for grabs in the SEC West. Do you like bacon on your burger Uncle Will Muschamp?

What once could have been interesting is now Alabama and Tennessee in Tuscaloosa @ 2:30. Oh no – the game is on CBS. I hope you do not get the Can’t Broadcast S##% announcers. Turn on the radio broadcast to avoid.

And going out with The Tide here is a little Thank You shout out to Coach Sabin regarding last week’s visit to Aggieland –

“You know, this is the first place we’ve played for a long, long time, that we never got booed when we came out,” Saban said. “First place. I’m telling you. It’s a really nice facility. They had 105,000 people. And they cheered their tail off for their team. And they made it hard for us to play.” ESPN quotes somewhere on their application.

At 3:00 on the SEC Network will be another game for last place in the SEC East with Missouri and Vanderbilt. Take a nap, but be up and ready for the only games of competition beginning at 6:00.

On ESPNU @ 6:00 we find Western Kentucky visiting Baton Rouge hosted by Leonard Fournette’s team the LSU Tigers. Run Leonard run. With each step you get a bit closer to going to New York to get a big trophy.

At 6:30 in another game of why are play this team? This is Mississippi State and Kentucky on the SECN. This is not Western Kentucky which I suppose is geographically west of the Kentucky that Mississippi State is playing. I understand the men’s basketball team at Kentucky is quite good. Yes – Number 1.

At 6:30 on Fox is the Utah Utes (I just love saying that) and USC Trojans in Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum. If Utah should become number two in The Committee’s ranking in November, will they be “the two Utes?” (My Cousin Vinny)

But the only game of significance is the Cutbirth Bowl (as in William Cutbirth Faulkner) on ESPN from Oxford Mississippi @ 6:00 when the Ole Miss Rebels host The Fighting Texas Aggies. It is an elimination game for the SEC West title. Should make visits to Baton Rouge interesting for both teams. But one game at a time.

So Howdy Damnit and Hotty Toddy and BTHO Ole Miss.

Monday, September 28, 2015 – A College Football Weekend for the Ages

Posted on September 28, 2015 | Leave a comment

Monday, September 28, 2015 – A College Football Weekend for the Ages

It was indeed a college football weekend for the ages. I know the Aggie/Arkansas game alone aged me at least two years. With the chaos that reigned, we do not need an ado to further, so here are my Here’s What I’m Thinking Monday after Saturday College Football Awards.

Our Monday after Saturday College Football Awards post is brought to you by the word “minimax.”

No, minimax does not refer to the old chain of grocery stores in the South. Neither does it refer to a feminine hygiene product. It is a “noun that means a strategy of game theory employed to minimize a player’s maximum loss.

This is the principle of minimax: assume that the worst may happen and act accordingly; remember that lightening always strikes twice in the same place. This is a basic law known to all successful gamblers. William S. Burroughs, The Adding Machine, Selected Essays, 1993.” Sunday’s Word of the Day – Dictionary.com

It was also the game strategy employed by the Arkansas Razorbacks against Texas A&M. But first, please have the following teams line up to receive The Poo Poo Undies Award. This award is given to the following teams for scaring the crap out of its fans and/or for just crapping out completely.

LSU – Otto the Orange proved much harder to squeeze that originally thought.
TCU
Texas Tech
THE University of Texas
Oklahoma State University
Texas A&M
Ole Miss – Really? Vanderbilt? BTW – Vandy, you get The Ugly Helmet Award. How many more designs can you put on a football helmet?
Alabama – not exactly scary, but the Tide is still a bit low.
Oregon

Please have all of the centers and kickers – yes field goal and punters – line up for The What’s the Point Award for missing crucial field goals and extra points or creating safeties.

Otto the Orange from Syracuse
Texas Tech
THE University of Texas
Texas A&M

The Most Points Scored Award goes to Baylor University. Yes, 70 to 17 is impressive, but it was still Rice. But given the way the other Big 12 teams are playing maybe it’s all gravy from here on out for the Bears.

The Duck Duck Gone Award goes to Oregon for losing to the soaring Utah Utes.

The Dumbass: Do Your Homework Award goes to the half-time announcer who asked “What’s a Ute?” The University of Utah uses Ute as a nickname with permission from the Native American Utes Tribal Council. In 1996, again with permission from the Ute Tribal Council, Utah introduced “Swoop” – a red-tailed hawk, a bird indigenous to the state of Utah.

Speaking of Ducks, the Tide Rolled over the Duck Dynasty from UL Monroe. The Tide still seems to be low and/or rolling out. Ouch – AP Poll Ranking – # 13 – with Georgia in Athens this weekend. UGA!

The Free Falling/Uncle Will Muschamp Defense Award goes once again this week to Auburn. This is what happens when your mascot is named after a dopy New England poet.

The Why Are You Still in the Top 5/6 Award is shared by TCU and Notre Dame. Really? I know the Frogs are injured and barely hopping, and you barely won

On a botched snap by Texas Tech that resulted in a safety
On a freak Tippy Tippy Bang Bang in the last seconds
You almost allow The Band play with multiple laterals and
Your defense allowed 52 points from an unranked team.

And Notre Dame? Just because the Pope has been in the United States does not mean you should be in The Top 10.

And to THE University of Texas – Yes, the refs were from The School for Blind and Visually Impaired; yes, there are still many burnt orange bright spots, but I must give the Horns the Streets of Laredo Award:

So beat the drum slowly and play the fife lowly and

play the death march as they carry me along.

The award for Does this Three -Point Margin of Victory Make my Ass Look Big? goes to TCU and Coach Gary Patterson.

Two individual awards this week: First to the Texas Tech quarterback Patrick Mahomes for heroic and knee hurting courage to give your all.

And to Leonard Fournette of LSU I am giving the Wow, You Are Fun to Watch Run Award. Could there be another Heisman Award headed toward the LSU Tiger trophy case?

And now may I have the final awards’ package?

Arkansas – the state that gives us Mike Huckabee and The Clintons.

Minimax – “noun that means a strategy of game theory employed to minimize a player’s maximum loss.

Was this your coaching strategy, Coach Bielema? Playing keep away from the opponent’s offense almost worked. The thing about the hurry up and spread offensive is – when you don’t have the ball, the other team scores quickly and often.

The Assume the Worst May Happen Award goes to Coach Bret Bielema of Arkansas. The worst did happen.

The Poise under Pressure Award goes to The Fighting Texas Aggies.

Lighting Always Strikes Twice in the Same Place Award goes to The Fighting Texas Aggies.

So it wasn’t exactly an “ass-kicking in Dallas.” I guess you are saving yourself for the remainder of the SEC.

Stop Whining: You Lost – Maximum Loss Award goes to the Razorbacks of Arkansas. See you next year.

Friday, September 25, 2015 – Snarky Friday Football

Posted on September 25, 2015 | 6 comments

Friday, September 25, 2015 – Snarky Friday Football

My weekend teams and Here’s What I’m Thinking about them.

Georgia v Southern @ 11:00 AM on SEC – Sanford Stadium, Athens, Georgia

UGA, UGA, YUKA to 11:00 AM games. One has to start so early to be drunk by that time.

LSU v Syracuse – @ 11:00 on ESPN – Carrier Dome, Syracuse, NY

The Syracuse mascot is an anthropomorphic orange. Who besides me, Dr. Sheldon Cooper and the DeMarsion know the meaning of “anthropomorphic?” The Orange’s name is Otto. Otto the Orange. (Just Google it)

The LSU mascot is a live Tiger. The Tiger’s name is Mike the Tiger.

http://www.mikethetiger.com/pictures.php Mike the Tiger eats oranges like grapes. Otto the Orange – oh I can’t stop laughing.

Northwestern v University of Central Arkansas @ 11:00 AM on ESPN3 @ Turpin Stadium – Natchitoches, La.

Well, one team will have a win in the W column.

Baylor v Rice @ 2:00 on Fox Sports @ McLane Stadium – Waco, TX

Do you have the same scheduler as TCU and Ohio State? You are aware The Committee is watching. So is Larry Culpepper, the Dr. Pepper guy. I think he has the deciding vote.

Ohio State v Western Michigan @ 2:30 on ESPN2 – Ohio Stadium – Columbus, Ohio.

See above about The Committee watching. I am thinking the Buckeyes better buck up and show some points on the scoreboard.

THE University of Texas v Oklahoma State @ 2:30 on ESPN @ DKR Memorial Stadium – Austin, TX.

Cowboys v Longhorns – a clash of the oranges – not Otto – Depends on who shows up.

Alabama v UL Monroe @ 3:00 on SEC – Bryant-Denny Stadium – Tuscaloosa, Alabama.

Pretty sure the Tide is going to roll over the Duck Dynasty. Watch out for the tsunami.

Texas Tech v TCU @ 3:45 on Fox @ Jones AT&T Stadium, Lubbock, Texas

Beware The Wayward Wind. It’s a restless win. Coach Kliff is in an ass-kicking mood and TCU is playing the ghosts of the Southwest Conference.

Vanderbilt v Ole Miss @ 6:00 on ESPNU @ Vaught-Hemingway Stadium , Oxford, MS

Given that William Cutbirth Faulkner is one of my favorite authors and one of the greatest Southern writers in American Literature, it would only be natural that I would selection Faulkner residential writing home of Oxford as the possible winning team; this of course is because in all honesty Vanderbilt should be playing Rice whereas the two academic powerhouses can play on a level playing field.

The above sentence is understood by those who read WCF and English/American Lit Majors.

Mississippi State v Auburn @ 6:30 on ESPN2 @ Jordan-Hare Stadium – Auburn, Alabama

Go Bulldogs. Uncle Will, we are so looking forward to your visit in College Station. We wanted you to know College Station topped the list of most exciting towns in Texas yesterday. Really!

http://www.chron.com/news/houston-texas/article/College-Station-named-6524394.php

Texas A&M v Arkansas @ 6:00 on ESPN – @ AT&T Stadium, Arlington, TX

This is the start of SEC play. A&M almost ran out of time last year. Texas Tech has pissed off the Hogs.

In honor of Texas Tech kicking ass last weekend with their hurry up, spread offense, I am proposing that Aggies wear our Ray-Bans to be cool like and in honor of Coach Kliff and the hurry up, spread offense to help remind Arkansas of last week. FYI – Arkansas, the Aggies run a hurry up, spread office and the Aggies have a defense.

Oh yes – here are some special uniforms designs.

http://www.goodbullhunting.com/rcb05/2015/9/23/9379285/aggies-texas-am-special-uniform-arkansas-bielema-photoshop

BTHO Arkansas

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Posted in College Football

Tagged Auburn, Baylor, College Station, Kliff Kingsbury, LSU football, Oklahoma State University, TCU, Texas, Texas Tech, The University of Texas

Monday, September 21, 2015 – The Monday Morning After College Football Awards.

Posted on September 21, 2015 | 2 comments

Sculpture at Bush Library – 2015

Today’s awards are brought to you by the word “enervate.”

Assessment before Instruction – our vocabulary word is “enervate.” It means to deprive of force or strength; destroy the vigor.” So many teams were enervated this weekend.

So here are my awards for Week Three of College Football Season.

The Keep Calm and Keep Practicing Award goes to the Texas Aggies. In some cultures, such as East Montgomery County, this award is known as the “That Dog Ain’t Ready to Hunt” Award. This does not refer to Miss Reveille as she is from the herding group and also does not like get her nails messed up.

To the Texas Tech Red Raiders – I award the Shredded Pork with Extra Bacon Bits Award for Kliff Kingsbury kicking some koach’s pig butt with his komments. Way to go, Kliff.

In the Hippie Bowl between the school formerly known as Berkley and THE University I give the award for “Close, But to the Right” to THE University for the missed extra point that would have tied the game and possibility sent it to OT. You did not know Cal once known as Berkley? I suppose all those protesters from the sixties resulted in the name change.

The original name University of California was frequently shortened to California or Cal. UC Berkeley’s athletic teams date to this time and so are referred to as the California Golden Bears, Cal Bears, or just Cal. Today, University of California refers to a statewide school system. Referring to the University of California, Berkeley as UCB or University of California at Berkeley is discouraged and the domain name is berkeley.edu. Moreover, the term “Cal Berkeley” is not a correct reference to the school, but is occasionally used. Berkeley is unaffiliated with the Berklee College of Music or Berkeley College.

Note: Any grammatical errors in the preceding paragraph come from Wikipedia.

THE University is also awarded The Many Bright Burnt Orange Lights for showing life and a near comeback. The interval of the loss was one point.

The Interval Award is shared by TCU and Ohio State. One would think the #1 and #2/3 team could have a larger interval between the score when playing lesser teams. The Committee is watching.

BYOB – The Bring Your Own Bench Award goes to Auburn. This is awarded to the team that does not want to sit on the benches provided. Auburn proposed to bring its own cooling benches. When told that there was not enough power in Tiger Stadium, Auburn staff proposed to bring their own generators. Finally the Baton Rouge Fire Marshall said, “NO! You can sit on the same benches as the LSU team does.” Does Auburn have heated benches for the winter time?

The Great Defense, Uncle Will Award goes to the LSU Tigers for scoring on the second play of the ball game.

My Favorite Player Name Award – goes to Malachi Dupree on the LSU team. Now ain’t that a cultural masterpiece of confusion?

The Hindenburg Award for “OH THE HUMANITY!” goes to Alabama and their fans. I am not sure the Tide ever rolled in. Ole Miss enervated the Tide. Don’t start singing Bon voyage to you, new Titanic just yet. There could be a tsunami waiting for somebody.

The final award is the comparison between the Auburn Tiger and the LSU Tiger as portrayed by the half-time PR clip. One is stuffed into a mascot uniform and one is a live tiger that scares you even on TV.

The Stuffed Tiger Award goes to the LSU Tigers. According to the PR clip, the Auburn Tiger originated from Oliver Goldsmith’s poem The Deserted Village. “Sweet Auburn, loveliest village on the plain, …” It takes you about 100 or more lines to “where crouching tigers wait hapless prey.”

The LSU Tigers take their name from the Louisiana Infantry men known as Louisiana Tigers for their tenacity and ferociousness during battle.

Not mentioned in the video, but clearly noticeable in the photograph to anyone who knows their history or has seen Gone With the Wind, were the uniforms of the Louisiana Infantry. They were known for their red head gear, blue tops and striped pants. Company B of the Tigers wore distinctive uniforms similar to the French zouave, with straw hats or red cloth fezzes, blue-striped chasseur-style pants, and short dark blue jackets with red lacing or tombeaux. You can read more about the Louisiana Infantry on Wikipedia. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/9th_Louisiana_Infantry

So Auburn takes its Tiger name from a long, dopy, whimpey poem from the 1770’s read by American Literature majors only. Auburn has a stuffed Tiger.

LSU takes its Tiger name from a tenacious fighting unit from the 1860’s and has one of the most bad ass mascots in all of college football that eats stuff tigers for dessert. No wonder Auburn was enervated.

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Posted in College Football

Tagged Alabama, Auburn, college football, Crimson Tide, Kliff Kingbury, LSU, Texas Aggies, Texas Longhorns, Texas Tech

Friday, September 18, 2015 – Your Saturday College Game of the Week Football Schedule

Posted on September 18, 2015 | 1 comment

Friday, September 18, 2015 – Your Saturday College Game of the Week Football Schedule-

For the third week of college football, here are the games I will be watching. In my ever attempt to enlighten and inform you, here is a schedule and posted on the ESPN App.

Baylor has an open week. The photo is the last lit score board in Floyd Casey Stadium in Waco.

Texas A&M vs Nevada @ 11:00 AM on SECN @ Kyle Field. College Station. Who plays football at 11:00 in the morning? I hate the 11:00 AM games because it is difficult to stay awake for the afternoon games. Reminder: Pick up more vodka and bloody Mary mix.

Auburn vs LSU- @ 2:30 on CBS @ Tiger Stadium. Baton Rouge. Tiger, Tiger burning bright; Please give Muschamp’s defense a fight.

Northwestern State v Mississippi State – @ 3:00 on SECN @ Davis Wade Stadium. Starkville, Mississippi. Be sure to watch for my relative on the Northwestern sidelines. My cousin is the defensive coach. He will be the really good looking one. You know it comes with the family. Let’s go Demons!

Texas Tech v Arkansas @ 6:00 on ESPN2 @ Razorback Stadium. Fayetteville, Arkansas. What goes well with tortillas? Pork.

Oklahoma State v UTSA @ 2:30 on FOX1 @ Boone Pickens Stadium. Stillwater. Go Pokes!

TCU v SMU – @ 7:00 on FSN @ Amon G. Carter Stadium, Fort Worth. Really? Who does your scheduling, TCU? The Pillsbury Dough Boy? How much does strength of schedule count?

Cal v Texas – @ 6:30 on Fox @ DKR Memorial Stadium, Austin, Texas. THE University wanted to play in the Pac 12. Now is your chance to show them what you got.

Ole Miss vs Alabama @ 8:15 on ESPN @ Bryant-Denny Stadium Tuscaloosa, Alabama. Hotty Toddy and Roll Tide.

And now what could happen after last week’s ESPN programming fiasco. Here is the possible ESPN schedule.

If you are watching the Aggie/Nevada game @ 11:00 on the SECN, you will be switched at half time to ESPN3. This allows those of us who do not want to watch and pay for it on our computers to watch the game as it buffers along.

The Auburn /LSU game will be transferred to another ESPN station as soon as ESPN buys out CBS giving it a monopoly on college football. This deal will occur during a critical series with minutes left to play in the game.

At 4:46 the Northwestern/Mississippi State will move to ESPNU ensuring only those who chose to pay for more sports on their cable are able to see the game.

At 3:26 the Oklahoma State/UTSA game will be moved to an ESPN sister station, yet to be available to viewers.

At 4:52 the Northwestern/Mississippi State game will move to ESPN2. This game will run long and the Texas Tech/Arkansas match up will be moved to SECA. I am not sure if cable TV has made it Lubbock or the state of Arkansas.

At 7:15 the Cal/Texas game will move to The Longhorn Network, which probably nobody in California receives.

At 8: 07 the TCU/SMU game will be taken off the air and replaced with the Monmouth vs Wagner game from the Big South Conference.

At half-time with the scored tied between Ole Miss v Alabama, ESPN and the decision-makers there will replace what could be the game that says much about what will happen in the SEC with the Sacramento State vs Weber State game or the Northern Iowa vs Cal Poly game. These are schools that no one cares about unless your child goes there.

I hope your team wins. I hope ESPN does not jerk us around like last weekend and BTHO Nevada!