Category Archives: humor

Tuesday, January 10, 2017 – Tide Out. Birthday Wishes and the 85th Texas Legislature

Tuesday, January 10, 2017 – Tide Out. Tigers In. Birthday Wishes and the 85th Texas Legislature

Here’s to Clemson and Alabama for an outstanding college football National Championship game. Congrats to Dabo and the Tigers.

Happy Birthday to RL. So happy the government decided to convene on the celebration of your birth.

At noon today the 85th Texas Legislature gavels in for 140 days of fun, fellowship and fighting. Here’s to the public servants who will spend long hours funneling spreadsheets of data to their bosses and preparing persuasive speeches in hopes of passing statutes to promote the state of Texas.

Given that the Lt. Governor’s top priority seems to be which potty to use, I would like to offer Dan Patrick some personal data and thoughts.

I am a female and on Friday will turn 68 years young. This means I have peed for 68 years. Granted, I do pee more frequently than in recent years, but who doesn’t?

I have gone to the bathroom at rest stops (Buckee’s, etc.), gas stations, concerts, sporting events, fancy hotels, school campuses, and other public buildings. I have used the bathroom in the state capitol. I have always used the room marked Ladies, Women, Female, or some other gender noted sign. I am quite experienced at this bodily function. Not once have I have encountered a man in the bathroom.

I frequently (like always) wear jeans or shorts, tennis shoes, t-shirts and a baseball cap and from the back am often mistaken for a male. Am I going to need to carry gender papers? My native Texan birth certificate just says “daughter.” Is that close enough for government work? Texas Wall 2 (800x592)

Is this part of the creation of jobs plan? The need for Potty Police? I am experienced with that phase of bathroom patrol too. Please see my standardized test proctoring resume.

Oh Danny Boy! Is this where you want to spend your energy? Why don’t you just bring back pay toilets? Flush it!

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Friday, January 6, 2017 – Snarky Friday, Roosters and Other Duties as Assigned

Friday, January 6, 2017 – Snarky Friday, Roosters and Other Duties as Assigned

I saw on the Internet so I know it is true – that on January 4, 2007, The University of Alabama hired a guy named Nick Sabin to coach the football team. It seems to have worked out pretty well for all involved, don’t you think? Is this a state holiday? I am going with Alabama, but am not putting any money on it.

Go Jalen! Make Texas proud! I understand there is going to be an offense that it will actually be coordinated. I hope that takes away the deer in the head lights look in your eyes from last week, but I think we all know why that happened. Or did I miss the bus to Florida?

Of course, I would look so good in one of those cute hounds tooth hats like The Bear wore. Perhaps someone can pick up one for me at a Wal-Mart when the crystal football national championship trophy goes on tour. Roll Tide! SEC! SEC! SEC!

But on to the roosters. They, whoever “they” are, say one should often step outside of their comfort zone. I am certain stepping outside tomorrow in 23 degree temperatures will be totally out of my comfort zone, but there’s more. I am going to a chicken show on the campus of Texas A&M University.

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Louis Pearce Pavilion. If you reach the George H. W. Bush Library you’ve gone too far.

One of the most interesting people from Magnolia, Texas is Howard Davenport or to those of us from Magnolia he is known as HowardWayne – all one name. He could make that beer commercial about the most interesting man in the world or at least the most interesting man at Henry’s Hideaway.

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He now shows prize winning roosters. No chicken jokes, please. Since being Facebook and IRL friends, I have learned more about hens and roosters than I ever thought about learning. This, of course is a direct result of girls not be allowed to take agriculture courses in high school.

Tomorrow is the Bluebonnet Poultry Show. It is one of the biggest shows of its kind in Texas. When I found out HW was showing roosters (and winning lots of ribbons and trophies) and this show was in College Station I told him I wanted to come do a photo shoot. Of course this was back in July when it was 101 degrees outside.

I am very excited, however. I am not sure how it works. Is it like Project Runway where the chickens strut down a runway in awkward positions like models? Maybe it is more like a dog show where handlers in ugly shoes run around a ring while judges slowly turn to observe?

I am very confident I can handle the photography portion of the day. It is those “other duties as assigned” I am concerned about. In the intense learning curve of show poultry I learned that the model (aka rooster) must be impeccably groomed with baths and pedicures and butt washings at all times.

My previous experience with chicken’s dates back to Grandfather Poppy Faust’s in Coldwater, Louisiana some 60 odd years ago. Chickens scratch and poop. I mean, it is not like they can wipe their butt, but I am certain even without the benefit of agriculture classes I know one does not want to have a poopy butt when being judged for a prize that might involve a crown.

Other than that my only other experience with chickens is winning First Prize in the Stephen F. Austin Greek Fall Festival Chicken Calling Contest. I have many sorority sisters who were there and can vouch for it. It is also chronicled in the AXO minutes of a meeting in 1969.

So to get to the end, in spite of limited chicken experience, I promised HW I would wash the rooster’s butt at the show tomorrow. Notice HW – singular, not plural roosters or butts.

I guess I will be watching where I step out of my comfort zone tomorrow. I don’t think that shit freezes, does it?

How much money do I need for chicken shit Bingo? I suppose I should not wear a feather boa in case a hen screams “It’s Aunt Josephine” and faints.

Thursday, January 5, 2017 – I Like Books. I Like to Read. Go For It, Bibliophiles.

Thursday, January 5, 2017 – I Like Books. I Like to Read. Go For It, Bibliophiles.

For Christmas I received these two books in the same gift – Hugs – Daily Devotionals for Women and The Official Dictionary of Sarcasm. Maybe my family knows me better than I think they do. My sister only received the one about hugs. She then stated regarding the second title, “Why did you get the other one? You certainly don’t need a book to be sarcastic.”

Buddy Glasses

I started keeping this book list in June.

Fiction

The Nightingale by Kristin Hannah. We learn so many behind the scenes, resistance and sacrifices made during WWII. Viva la France!

Razor Girl by Carl Hiaasen – From the opening pages when you determine why the book is so titled you will not stop laughing. Florida and Hiaasen at their best.

Adding to my Grit Lit Syllabus

William Faulkner’s Absalom, Absalom. Each year I read a work of Faulkner. While Absalom, Absalom is considered to be one of Faulkner’s greatest works, it took me three months to read the 300 page novel about The South during the 1930’s during a time of poverty, illiteracy, race, mixed races, rape, incest; War Between the States memories; honor, greed, family secrets, grave yards, hooped skirts; half breeds, former slaves still tied to their masters; the old South refusing to die; and sentences like this one that trail off into who knows where, forcing the reader to become lost and forgetting who the characters are or what we are even talking about and then there is that one sentence that is supposed to be 1118 words long that continues for pages. The previous paragraph was 114 words for comparison. But what a story of The South! And no one writes it better than Faulkner.

Tobacco Road by Erskine Caldwell. OMG! I cannot believe this was on my high school reading list at McC. I really should have read it before putting it on the reading list. Just think how TW parents reacted to The Chocolate Wars! Thank goodness only Bert Cohn read it and was mature and smart enough to understand it, but then he was in the Sons of the Confederacy. Think Faulkner with shorter sentences and more direct sentences about The South and rape, race, incest, poverty and illiteracy.

The Underground Railroad by Colson Whitehead. While listed under fiction, I so wish this was a tale of fiction, but history tells us it is not. Every school child when he or she first learns of The Underground Railroad thinks it is a train that run beneath the earth. We later learn it was a path to freedom. This book tells of the horror and the kindness witnessed when the train makes stops headed north. A must read for history lovers. Have tissues close by.

Hillbilly Elegy. A Memoir of a Family and Culture in Crisis by J. D. Vance. This was one of the most influential books of 2016. Faith, Appalachia, poverty, family love and a Yale Law School graduate. Educators need to look at a First Generation college graduate and prestigious law school grad and the norms and mores he still carries. It also examines what that background and upbringing reveals about Trump, The Rust Belt and America.

The Whistler by John Grisham. I forgot the plot and this one did have a plot unlike his last. Hey, it’s Grisham – some lawyers, some bad people, some good people and this one takes place in Florida. Fun read.

The Whole Town’s Talking by Fannie Flagg. This is the kind of book that keeps a smile on your face with every word. When you get to the last page, you want to start it all over again. Worth the hardback because you feel so good at the end.

Non/Fiction History

Gone at 3:17 – The Untold Story of the Worst School Disaster in American History by David M. Brown and Michael Wereschagin. One needs only to grow up in Texas and exam the nine pages of In Memoriam listing the names and grave sites to understand the magnitude of the horror that occurred in New London, Texas on March 18, 1937 when the school exploded taking the lives of an entire generation.

Currently Reading

What Hath God Wrought – The Transformation of America, 1815-1848 by Daniel Walker Howe. This Pulitzer Prize winner for history is not for the faint of heart, (or the weak of arms) but the lover of history. This 850+ page monstrosity examines a time in United States history that is remarkably similar to today. It starts with a dying generation of white men from The Colonial Era moving into a time frame when a seemingly unqualified man was elected President of the United States, whose cabinet was infamous for infighting over the morals of their wives and other issues; a First Lady who was vilified in public, a campaign to remove an entire race and culture of people, and brand new technology called the telegraph that told the entire world about it all. There is also the other technology of the time period – The railroad. Like President Elect Trump, Andrew Jackson had bad hair too.

Empire of the Summer Moon by S. C. Gwynne. Speaking of the extermination of a race and culture, this Austin, Texas author tells the story of Quanah Parker, the Comanches and the most powerful Indian tribe in American history. This is an easy, but powerful read with lots of Texas history that the Daughters of the Texas Revolution probably do not want one to know about. For example, the POTUS of the time, Andrew Jackson had a plan called The Indian Removal – just move them somewhere (See Oklahoma). The second President of the Texas Republic, Mirabeau Lamar’s was known as The Indian Exterminator – kill them. If one follows the same logic today about removing statues of individuals during a time of slavery, then there would not be an elementary school in the state of Texas named after The Father of Texas Education.

Keep reading!

Tuesday, January 4, 2017 – A Jar of Blessings and Happiness. What’s in Your Jar?

Tuesday, January 4, 2017 – A Jar of Blessings and Happiness. What’s in Your Jar?

Sometimes it is the last minute gifts that turn out to be the best ones. Before leaving for family functions on December 23 I ran by the Goodwill Store and bought five large jars and/or vases.

Then I stopped at Walgreens and purchased several multicolored Post-It Notes and some markers. It was the index card tied around the jar with a red ribbon that pulled it together. On the card I wrote: A 2017 Blessings and Happiness Jar. When something good happens to you or when you feel blessed during this year, jot it down and put it in your jar. Next New Year’s Eve take out the notes and see just how blessed you were.

Here is my jar. I front loaded it with a bunch of “I got out of bed and made it through the day” notes.

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As you can see, while still retaining its function and practicality, my jar lacks a certain artistic and esthetically pleasing element, as did those that were gifted. I hope some of my artistic friends will be inspired to decorate theirs in a more pleasing manner.

On Jan 1, I wrote “I took a shower.” I do hope I remember to add other notes of personal hygiene less one think that was the only time. Personal hygiene may just be TMI. Today, (so far) I have “Warm inside with a good book!” What’s in your jar?

Tuesday, January 3, 2017 – No More Football? But Here Comes the Silly Season!

Tuesday, January 3, 2017 – No More Football? But Here Comes the Silly Season!

I regret to inform you that there are only 60 minutes of college football left until next season. That means round ball. Geno A., please tell me you are not trying to grow facial hair. On old men like you, it just looks as though you forgot to shave. If you try that man bun thing, I will somehow find a way to like you even less.

Dear God, how many Hail Mary’s do I have to say when yesterday I said “Oh crap, when is Ash Wednesday and Lent?” Perhaps I should give up cussing. It is March 1 to go along with March Madness. Can I give up college football games? No? How about snow skiing? No, I do not ski, but I could learn and then give it up before Lent. Ok, if You say so, I will go think about it on the golf course before You send the Arctic Blast tomorrow.

Before I go to enjoy this beautiful day, here’s to the public servants doing the good for the state of Texas. The Silly Season begins and Texas Legislature is under the Dome once again. This could be the year we all learn where we can go pee in the proper potty and where else we can carry our handgun. Of course, if we are firing into the air during New Year’s Eve celebrations and a stray bullet just happens to hit a legislator, celebratory handgun discharge could go up in smoke.

Here’s to those of us retired public servants saying “Thank you ERS that I am not there!” Carry on, regardless!20130701_121153

Monday, January 2, 2017 – Monday Monday Can’t Trust That Day.

Monday, January 2, 2017 – Monday Monday Can’t Trust That Day.

I bet you can’t listen to The Mamas and the Papas without singing along. And you try singing in harmony. Don’t tell me you don’t because I know you do. I try to sing all parts at the same time as loud as Mama Cass could. Let’s turn up the radio so we can sing over it.

It is the first Monday of a brand new year. I am now entering year three of Here’s What I’m Thinking. For new readers I feel we must review.

I write this blog called Here’s What I’m Thinking (HWIT). I took the title from Dr. Pencil Nose. When asked in meetings what he thought, he always said “Here’s what I’m thinking,” with a #2 pencil stuck up his nose.

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The purpose of HWIT is to make at least one person laugh or think. I am changing this for 2017 to “make many people laugh or think.”

My strategy to encourage readers is this: If I have known you in this past or know you know now, I WILL write about you. You must hope that I write flattering words about you with your name disguised (RL, Dr. Pencil Nose, MENSA DeMarsian, Ms. Navasota, Killer Queen, Homecoming Queens 1 and 2, SPQ etc.) Otherwise I put the coordinates to your house on Facebook with privacy setting to Public.

Monday through Friday and sometimes on Saturday and Sunday, I write about whatever I am thinking. I like to think. It involves a fair amount of sitting. See photo of a good place to sit and think – also good for playing cards and dominos and other assorted activities. Furthermore I used to get paid big bucks to so I am experienced in the field of thinking. I even have a flat hat with strings on the side and a nightgown and letters after my name to show for it.Campus tour 7.5.2014 2014-07-05 098 (800x600)

Now I like to think about college football and basketball with a few spring sports thrown in until football season begins. I write about teams I like and teams that play teams I like. This means the Lumberjacks of Stephen F. Austin, the Bearkats of Sam Houston and of course, the Fighting Texas Aggies.Me and Tailgating

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Wall in house. Photo by me.

I am a Native Born Texan who has kissed Willie Nelson and have papers to prove it. I write about Texas.

By God I’ll die here with my boots on! More likely it will golf shoes or tennis shoes, but I’m not leaving Texas.

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Moon Over Perry. Photo by Terry.

I am a recovering bureaucrat. I write about politics.

You do not have to like it what I write. “I disagree with almost everything you write, but it is so funny the way you say it.” CSE – 1.13 coming soon!

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Austin Grafitti Wall Austin, Texas Photo by me.

Over Ninety-five percent (95%) of HWIT is my work – my thoughts and my photographs. The artsy craftsy readers and the very early morning Facebookers like the strange photos. If I post something that is not my original work, I try to give credit – for example: Borrowed from the Internet.

More often than not, there is a zinger at the end. For example, did you know that I Call Your Name sung by The Mamas and Papas was written by John Lennon? Let’s sing the chorus with a heavy on the Doot. Doot. Doots Doots in backup vocals.

Don’t you know I can’t take it!

I don’t know who can

I’m not gonna makeeee it

I’m not that kind of man

Don’t you know I can’t sleep at night (Hit the high note!)

But just the same

I never weep at night

I call your name! YEAH!!!

You tried to sing harmony with yourself, didn’t you? Told you not to trust this day.

January 1, 2017 – HAPPY NEW YEAR! The First Day of the New Year.

January 1, 2017 – HAPPY NEW YEAR! The First Day of the New Year.

“Staring down a greasy taco plate; bowl of menudo on the side… We were drinking and swinging from the chandeliers…” Ah once upon a time, but no more, but thank you Roger Creager for the memories.

Before I get to my 2017 Predictions, I wanted to share a few really cool gifts I received for Christmas. This first one came totally unexpected. I like those so much – especially when the gift is spot on!

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While the giver knows my love for cameras, what the giver does not know is that this scency is a replica of the first camera I ever learned to use at Magnolia High School in 1966-67. Imagine this happening today. The Conroe Courier gave every yearbook editor in Montgomery County one of these very expensive cameras to use for the year provided we attended a Saturday morning class on how to use it.

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Yes, photography peeps, they trusted a group of teenagers with state of the art, news reporter quality, Leica lens cameras. We were to use the camera to take photographs of school events – aka football games! Such good memories and I am going to be hitting my house with the smell good in 2017.

I liked this too. Angry Mama to clean your microwave.

mad-mama-576x1024As dirty as my microwave is she will probably explode the first time she tries to clean mine. I wonder if she comes in an Angry Mama to clean your house.

Here is a favorite. I got this combination science and magic kit. It seems that the elixir on the left has magic potions of St Belvedere. When poured properly into the magic beaker on the right, the perfect tini temperature is achieved. vodka-576x1024

I cannot wait to try it. It was gift from Pootie and Russians to commemorate taking Poland in 1945.

And now my 2017 New Year’s Day Predictions – just for the first month or so.

Donald Trump will be sworn in via Twitter.

All of the Kardashians and their exes will perform at Donald Trump’s inauguration. I don’t know what they are going to do. What they always do, I suppose, nothing, but dress up and post their photos in Instagram.

Kate McKinnon and Alex Baldwin will not perform at Donald Trump’s inauguration, but will continue to make us laugh on SNL. So love you, Kate!

Rick Perry will lead the dancing at the Inaugural Ball for President Donald and First Lady Melanoma.

Donald Trump and Vlad Putin (aka Pootie) will dance via distance learning a Bromance line dance like Cossacks that creates a viral meme at 3:00 am in the morning. Warning: Putin will be shirtless.

Dancing with the Stars will once again bring us in high definition broken down, old stars, and never heard of before people trying to learn to dance while wearing sequins and feathers.

On January 9, 2017, from Raymond James Stadium in Tampa, Florida for the National College Athletic Association Division FBS 2017 National Championship, invented by Larry Culpepper, we have the Crimson Tide from Alabama versus the Tigers of Clemson from South Carolina. Sidebar: Thank goodness the announcers are the always professional team of Chris Fowler, Samantha Ponder, Tom Rinaldi and my boyfriend want to be, Kirk Herbstreit. Can’t wait for ESPN Game Day this fall. Please come back to Aggieland. And my prediction: ROLLLLLLLL TIDE! Like I even know anybody who even claims they went to Clemson and I don’t like orange in any shade.

Dak, Eskielle and The Boys will win Super Bowl LI (what number is this in Roman?) in Houston in NRG Stadium – home of the Houston Texans. Houston and Texan fans will hate Dallas and The Cowboys even more. Hey! For you non-native born Texans – It’s about oil ya’ll. Football is just a hobby to show off.

Time to go have science experiment, practice Russian and eat black eyed peas and cornbread. Happy New Year’s Day!

Saturday, December 31, 2016 – We Say Good Bye to 2016 – Or Thank God and Greyhound You’re Gone.

Saturday, December 31, 2016 – We Say Good Bye to 2016 – Or Thank God and Greyhound You’re Gone.

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Happy New Year!

I know I have been a slacker and did not post HWIT’s Snarky Friday. This is due in part because there has been little to write about college football. This certainly does not refer to the quantity of college bowl games. There are college football games a plenty with many bowl games with corporate names featuring teams with losing records. These are like Certificate of Participation Bowl Games where ESPN, Under Armor, Nike and Adidas win in the profit margin. So I was not too interested in poor quality.

Speaking of poor quality, we have the once again collapsible Texas Aggies. Getting old Coach Sumlin.

This makes the best football team in Texas the Division III National Football Champions – the Mary Hardin Baylor Crusaders. Way to go, Crusaders!

It is half time in Game 1 of the National Playoff. The Tide is rising and rolling, but there is a still a second half. This game is followed by The Ohio State University Buck Eyes and the Clemson Tiger. I am going with the OSU 4:20 looking helmet decals.

Roll Tide.

To be continued.

Wednesday, December 28, 2016 – Winding Down and The Empty Jar

Wednesday, December 28, 2016 – Winding Down and The Empty Jar

The year 2016 thankfully is almost over. To quote from The Dead, “What a long strange trip it’s been.” With President Twitter about to take office, we do not know what 2017 brings. However, we must have faith and expectations of hope and promise. Here is a simple way to remember good things that will happen in 2017.

Several family members received a large empty glass container as a gift. With the containers there was a ball point pen and stacks of post it notes. On a simple index card I wrote “This is a 2017 Happiness and Blessings Jar. Whenever something makes you happy or you feel blessed, jot it down on a note and place in the jar. On December 31, 2017, take out the scraps of paper and recall how blessed you were during the year.” Then I tied the index card to the jar with a ribbon.

I am going to start my Happiness and Blessing Jar this evening when first – The Texas Aggie Women’s Basketball team defeats Prairie View A&M. This will be followed when the Texas Aggies BTHO Kansas State tonight in Texas Bowl.

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Friday, December 23, 2016 – Christmas Eve Eve!

Friday, December 23, 2016 – Christmas Eve Eve!

I wrote this Christmas verse for all of my dear friends and family. It is sung to The Yellow Rose of Texas.

We’re wearing shorts and T-shirts on Christmas Eve this year,

That’s why we live in Texas; there ain’t no snow down here,

We froze our ass off last week, but Santa he don’t care,

Cause we’re wearing shorts and T-shirts on Christmas Eve this year.

We’re wearing shorts and flip flops on Christmas Eve this year,

The temp is almost eighty, on Christmas Day I hear,

My friends in Colorado are high up in the snow,

But down here ya’ll in Texas, we’re wearing shorts you know.”

Photo by Santa

Photo by Santa

Merry Christmas Ya’ll.