Tag Archives: humor

Thursday, March 23, 2017 – Ensure the Insured.

Posted on March 23, 2017 | 1 comment

Thursday, March 23, 2017 – Ensure the Insured.

Today is my required home health care visit. My (I am so blessed) state paid insurance calls for an annual home visit to check on my health and well-being. This is translated as – ensure the insured person is not squandering our money and is actually sick when she says she is, not selling her medicines on the street, appears to be sane, or any number of issues related their money.

As always I have prepared for my tests and am prepared to answer all of the questions on form. Here are some examples I am anticipating.

Q: Is your birthday still January 13, 19XX? Yes, my birthday is the same as it has always been. I did not change my birthday like my Aunt Myrtle. She changed her birthday on her headstone so she would not look her older her husband.

Q: How old are you?

A: A year older than last time you were here. Can’t you do the math or are you a product of our education system?

Q: Are you mobile? Do you have difficulty walking?

A: I am very mobile. Sometimes I do have difficulty walking, but alcohol is almost always involved. And it only happens going to and from the Uber or wherever the designated driver’s car is.

Q: Do you exercise on a regular basis?

Micky and Killer Queen, you two want to weigh in here? These are my PTs – personal trainers not physical therapists. Last year I offered to lift and tote the home health care person to the living room just to show off, but she declined. This time I might suggest a contest where we do 10 lunges across the living room. Maybe I will take it easy on her and suggest 10 push-ups (full body, of course) or the usually number of reps of sit ups. What am I up to now, Mickey? Three sets of 10?

A: Yes, I exercise on a regular basis. This is why I wear sweat pants. Not only for the comfort, but my butt looks good in them. No shake, rattle or rolls.

Q: How is your mental frame of mind?

A: Compared to whose mental frame of mind? I would like to phone a friend and let them answer. As my dear Mother used to say to me often “Everyone is crazy except me and you. And I am kinda worried about you.”

Magnolia House – note the look of pleasure on my face. Lost that “Not wearing a dress” fight to Mama that day. Note: the silhouette above my head: Anybody from 4th Grade remember those?

Of course, as the great 20th Century philosopher says “If we weren’t all crazy, we’d just go insane.” (J. Buffet.)

Jimmy Buffet – Austin, Texas 2014. Photo by me.

But to answer your question regarding my mental capacities – I do not Tweet at 3:00 AM in the morning. I often go to the bathroom at 3:00 AM, but no tweeting, just peeing.

May I ask you a question, lowly paid health care checker person?

How much longer is this going to take? If you hurry up I can almost get 18 holes played before tip-off of the basketball games tonight.

Where to I sign to show you have been here and you can show your boss what a wonderful job you did today. Now, go away, but thank you for stopping by.

1 Comment

Posted in Education, humor, Native Texan, Politics

Tagged , , ,

Tuesday, March 21, 2017 – It’s The Shoes or It’s The Chews!

Posted on March 21, 2017 | 1 comment

Tuesday, March 21, 2017 – It’s The Shoes or It’s The Chews! SFA and AXO!

One of my favorite scenes (they are all my favorites) in movie The Bird Cage is when Agador, played by the great Hank Azaria, must wear footwear for the senator’s and the family visit. He continues to fall and finally screams “It’s the chews!”

Walk with me here – yesterday I had to visit my primary care physician so she could “see me” in order to renew my prescriptions (See new rules and laws as of January 2017 regarding prescriptions.)

As she was renewing my meds, she asked “anything else today?” I replied, “No, my feet hurt, but it can wait until wellness in two-weeks. (See insurance rules)

She takes a quick look at my shoes and asks “How old are your shoes?” I reply “This is my best pair and they are at least a year.” She replies “You need new shoes.”

Here’s what I’m thinking – The doctor said I need new shoes for medical reasons. I always try to follow doctors’ orders. So I think this must include new workout shoes; new golf shoes; new summer footwear; new house shoes, new shower shoes, maybe even some new “real” shoes because I actually have some social functions to attend this spring.

WOW – check this out – light up sneakers for adults. I wonder if there is maroon and white LED version.  https://hoverkicks.com/

Little Sis? I wonder if there a purple and white pair? Wouldn’t light up sneakers be awesome to wear to our Alpha Chi Omega reunion when we all sing “… all Hail to SFA!”

I think this is my pledge class at The Fall Festival at SFA – 1969??

Therefore, I must go get my prescriptions and my shoes refilled. As Agador says “It’s the chews.”

1 Comment

Posted in Education, humor, Native Texan

Tagged , , , , , ,

Monday, March 6, 2017 – Leaks -Yтечки

Posted on March 6, 2017 | 1 comment

Monday, March 6, 2017 – Leaks – Yтечки

Dear President Trump,

I am sorry to hear you are having leaks. Have you tried Myrbetriq? This seems to work for many people.

Depends underwear works well too and they make Depends for men.

May I also suggestion that you use a heavy duty aluminum foil to wrap your phone and other communicative devices. This probably works better than receiving alien messages through the fillings in your teeth.

Just trying to be helpful. FYI this is how you say leaks in Russian – утечки

 

1 Comment

Posted in humor, Misc., Native Texan, Politics

Tagged , ,

Monday, February 27, 2017 – My Five Takes on the Oscars

Posted on February 27, 2017 | Leave a comment

Monday, February 27, 2017 – My Five Takes on the Oscars

First of all I did not watch the program. I read a book and then to sleep.

Buddy GlassesWhile I enjoy movies, I enjoy people running, jumping, throwing spherical objects through the air and/or into hoops more. I would rather spend money to see that event than go to a movie.

Second, I do not know the majority of the people at the ceremony. They all look the same to me – a beautiful head in a tuxedo or dress of sequins and satin. Or as they are thought of in some areas – Sin and Satan. Isn’t that special?

Third – I was hoping the protestors from the Dakota Pipeline would show up to pick up the winners’ awards – a flashback to Marlon Brando “It’s just business; nothing personal.”

Fourth – I wonder if Warren Beatty was looking at his sister saying “Can you channel me out of here to anyplace but here?” Faye Dunaway might be thinking “I am NOT Kellyanne Conway.”

Fifth – those who protested by not viewing the Oscar program. Of course, this is your constitutional right, but there is a missing adjective in The First Amendment under the “right of the people peaceably to assemble.” Sidebar to Sean Slicer: Note the correct grammar and placement of the infinitive. You have split your infinitive more times than Star Trek has with “to boldly go.”

But back to protesting. The missing adjective is “effective.” Protesting by not watching is a good statement of your beliefs. A more effective protest would be not going to the movies, not watching the movie on video, not streaming on Amazon or Hulu, no Netflix or not purchasing the video.

Why is this more effective than affective protest? And we are back to Oscar winners. From 1972 – Joel Grey. Liza (with a Z) Minelli. Cabaret. Song:

Money makes de vorld go around; de vorld go around. A mark, a yen a buck or a pound, it makes de vorld go round. Money. Money. Money. Money. Money     If you happen to be rich…

Here’s what I’m thinking: I wonder how many can tie this HWIT together?

 

Leave a comment

Posted in Education, humor, Misc., Native Texan, Politics

Tagged , ,

Monday, February 20, 2017 – Presidents’ Day Where Is Your Apostrophe?

Posted on February 20, 2017 | 2 comments

Monday, February 20, 2017 – Presidents’ Day or Where is Your Apostrophe?

Today we honor those who have served in the office of President of the United States of America.

Flags @ Front (800x529)

I see in the media that there are many Presidents’ Sales taking placed today on this holiday. Will someone please purchase the current president?

FYI – Presidential and White House staffers – the apostrophe is AFTER the “S” to include all of the Presidents. It is not BEFORE the “S” to denote just one. Grammar and proof reading does not seem to be one of your strong suits. You can work on it after you conquer public speaking.

2 Comments

Posted in Education, Misc., Native Texan, Politics

Tagged , ,

Tuesday, November 29, 2016 – Decorate! Decorate! Dance to the Music.

Posted on November 29, 2016 | 1 comment

Tuesday, November 29, 2016 – Decorate! Decorate! Dance to the Music.

Does anyone remember when I lived in the duplex in Panorama? Plastic lawn ornaments were the lawn decoration of the day. My deeply devout Catholic neighbor placed a lighted plastic Mary, Joseph and Baby Jesus in the monkey grass between our houses. Baby Jesus’ light shorted out and blinked on and off nightly as if giving random communications to aliens. Maybe it was.

Here are some other lawn ornaments for your consideration – courtesy of me and Lowes.

What says Christmas more than Snoopy sitting on the fireplace burning his butt?snoopy-snowman-800x450

Notice to the right there is the brown snowman – snow person.  I think this is for people of color or those who live in highly polluted areas. It could also the parson brown from the song “… in the meadow we can build a snowman, then pretend that he is parson brown.”

In this lovely latex scene we have the Big Foot snowman descending on Santa Claus and the reindeer.santa-and-snow-man-800x450

But my favorite, in keeping with season is the inflatable nativity scene. nativity-800x450

If you examine closely, Mary’s headwear resembles the little paper top you are given when you get a mammogram. One must use their imagination and Sunday school experiences and not think the BJ looks like a small box of pampers.

The reindeer on the roof is from the Big Foot eating Santa display, but does add a certain element to the display. Up on the roof top, reindeer pause…

It is the placements of the lights that baffle me. Mary’s right breast and Joseph’s nether region appear to be lit. Given rain, squirrels and neighborhood mischief with BB guns, it is entirely possible electrical issues could occur. This creates unanticipated light shows that resemble random communications with aliens.

Then again, random communication with aliens with THE LIGHT is what it was all about in the first place. So light ‘em up and decorate, decorate and dance to the music.

1 Comment

Posted in humor, Misc.

Tagged , , ,

Wednesday, November 5, 2014 – PETA, the Aggies and the Elephant

Posted on November 5, 2014 | Leave a comment

Wednesday, November 5, 2014 – PETA, the Aggies and the Elephant

First of all I am still trying to picture an Aggie chapter of PETA, but they seem to make the news quite frequently.

Recently, prior to the Alabama/Texas A&M elephant whipping of a football game, PETA protested the 92 year old A&M tradition of Elephant Walk. Elephant Walk is a tradition where graduating seniors walk a path like elephants that are going to their dying grounds symbolizing that they, the students, will soon be leaving campus as a student. Look, I do not make up this stuff so, no comments from The Peanut Gallery.  It seems PETA protested the appearance of a live elephant at the traditional Elephant Walk.  The few times I recall seeing it (graduate students do not participate) I never remember seeing an elephant.  Rather, it was a long line of young people, having a good time, walking through campus with a forearm swinging in front of their face resembling the trunk of an elephant. I wonder if PETA has seen the elephant on the local Furniture Shack commercial. Now that’s scary and I do not only refer to the elephant in the commercial.

And then there are the chickens. Shortly after I moved to the cultural capital of the Brazos Valley, an 18 wheeler carrying over 5000 chickens over turned near Highway 6 and Highway 21. If you have been to my house, you know that is two exits north going toward, or hopefully coming from, Hearne. PETA wants to place a 10 foot granite monument and memorial to the chickens that died in the crash. Check out the proposed monument with a single, but ethical, mouse click.

http://www.kbtx.com/home/headlines/PETAs-Chicken-Tombstone-Bid-Hits-Roadblock-278730311.html

While you are digesting the monument, think about this. It really makes one wonder why and how the Texas Department of Transportation (TxDot) even has a rule on the books that says “TxDOT’s rules do not allow memorials for animals on highway rights of way.” Aren’t humans animals?

Looks like I brought The Weird with me from Austin. At least to Highway 6 and Highway 21. Perhaps the city of Bryan will build a Chick-Filet.

Leave a comment

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged , ,

Northwest Flight # 188 Pilots

Posted on October 29, 2009 | Leave a comment

To the Pilots of Northwest Flight # 188

Here’s to the pilots of Northwest Flight # 188 for overshooting the Minneapolis airport and being lost for one hour and 18 minutes.

Ground control to Major Tom

http://daize.puzzling.org/tabs/groundcontrol_lyric.html

HAL –O Can you hear us? Or were you on a 2009 Space Odyssey into Canada? Not to be confused with David Bowie Hallo Space Boy and Major Tom.

You were lost in your laptop for one hour and 18 minutes? I have had relationships that did not last that long. Heck, I’ve known people that were not even married that long. I do not care what spin is being spun, the Airplane was on auto pilot like the blow up doll from the movie of the same name! Don’t call me Shirley!

It doesn’t matter what I am thinking. What were you thinking? And what was so interesting on the laptops that both of you were so captivated as to not notice one hour and 18 minutes slip away? Ninety-eight minutes as the news likes to say because it sounds less ominous as almost ONE and one-half HOURS lost in space.

Was William Shatner seeing little gremlins on the wings ala Twilight Zone episode 123 of Season Five in 1963?  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nightmare_at_20,000_Feet

And Ground Control? How long do you wait before you start looking? Isn’t that what military aircraft are supposed to do? Were you waiting on the Royal Canadian Air Force?

You know you can get Ground Control to Major Tom as the ring tone of your cell phone. Might help break the monotony.

BTW – Have you seen the new ABC series Flash Forward? It is a sci-fi thriller about the entire planet blacking out for two minutes and 17 seconds.  I bet you were the pilot test. What did you see in your future?

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB125682683136816019.html?mod=googlenews_wsj

Leave a comment

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged , ,

Online Dating – You are OTL

Posted on October 29, 2009 | Leave a comment

Online Dating – You are OTL

Remember when OTL meant Out to Lunch inferring lack of attention to the task at hand? Today OTL means Off The List.  In this day of social networks and cyberdating certain criteria and standards must be applied or you are OFF THE LIST. Here are some of collected criteria, based on real data from dating profiles, from those flirting in cyberspace.

If you do not submit a photo, you are off the list.

If your photo is of you and your grandchildren, you are off the list.

If your picture caption says, “Me at my youngest child’s graduation,” you are off.

If you include your family portrait, including your late wife as your photo, you are OTL.

If lingerie is mentioned or even marginally visible in any area of your picture, you are OTL.

If your photo is the “Self Portrait” you submitted for the art contest at the community college, you are OTL.

If your profile photo is your senior pic from high school and you graduated twenty years ago OTL – do the math.

If the best photo you have of yourself is standing between the pillars in the foyer of a Mexican restaurant, with a caption “Not a good photo” you are off the list.

If you begin your “about me” paragraph with “I’ve never done this before, but …”, no one believes you. You are OFF THE LIST.

If you describe yourself as “few extra pounds” you are off the list. We all know this means fat.

If you prominently list how much money you make, you’re very likely a big fat liar. And you’re OFF THE LIST.

If you use any conjugation of the word “horny,” OTL. Ditto for “sexy.”

If you are seeking dates solely in an age category that is 30 years younger (or 130 lbs. lighter) than yourself, you are OTL.

If I can determine from your photo that extensive dental work is needed, including the addition of more teeth, you are OTL.

If you are wearing a motorcycle helmet with the visor down, you are off the list.

If I can see the trailer house in the background you are OTL.

If you are wearing bib overalls, you are … I don’t care if they appear to be your clean ones – OTL

If your pets are pit bulls, OTL.

If you mention being “in an open relationship,” “an adventurous couple,” “uninhibited,” or a “free spirit,” this means you have been (or will be) arrested for lewd behavior. Sorry, but we need our money for things other than bail. You’re OFF THE LIST. I don’t care if your girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife is a lawyer.

If you list your occupation as “self-employed,” we all know you are “unemployed” … and OFF THE LIST.

If your online name is Saggy, I do not know that means Sagittarius, so you are OTL.

If you are in South Korea, you are OTL. Six thousand miles is a bit too far even for a long distance relationship.

If you are from my home town, you are OTL.

If you are wearing sans a belt slacks with your polyester sports coat, and I can read 1978 on the picture you scanned, you are OTL.

If you are “sensually” eating Twinkies in your profile pic … I don’t even have to say it, do I?

If the list of things you want in a relationship sounds quite angry (“someone who’ll tell the TRUTH, who’s NOT SO DAMN JUDGMENTAL, and who HAS HIS OWN CAR!”) you’re off the list … but don’t hold it against us, OK? And … ummm … if I gave you my personal email earlier, uhhh, just throw that away. I’m no longer at that address. Really.



Leave a comment

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged ,

DWTS – My Assessment of Week Three

Posted on October 6, 2009 | 1 comment

Just how bad is DWTS? Tom DeLay is still dancing and it is Week Three.  Of course that could change tonight, but I am getting ahead of myself.

All of remaining dancers either dance as though they are at a Middle School dance or it is late at night after several cocktails at The Country Club. All equally bad and painful to watch. So which celebrities stood out like a sore toe last night?

Since I have no idea who the majority of the people are, let alone why they are on a reality show, I have grouped them into some categories.

The Get Off the Dance Floor NOW Group

  • Michael Irving – you win the Tony Romo award for embarrassing; if you even make it through the night, you need to call Jerry Rice and get some pointers.  Jerry is whipping your butt again.
  • Chef Guy – go back to the kitchen at The Country Club; of course you do have the potential to martial up some arts and get it together, but I have little faith.
  • Model girl, who looks like a Barbie doll – it is too bad, you do not have a big fan base; you could be in The Contenders
  • Debi Mazar – definitely at The Country Club, but knows it and will probably win an Emmy for being able to make fun of herself on SNL

The Contenders

Notice I did not say winners.  Those in this group are somewhat less painful to watch. However, the winner will be in this group

  • Mya – I do not know who this woman is, but I will be finding out.  She is the only who has consistently put together extremely good dancing. As the judges said “displays a perfect motion”, and “put all of America in the mood for love.” Beautiful to watch.
  • Natalie the Swimmer – you can bring it, much potential. You got that Olympic drive to challenge Mya.
  • Donny O – Joseph Smith and Brigham Young are still spinning in their graves.  Not because of your dancing.  My mouth was still hanging open after Bruno’s comment that you looked “airy fairy,” when the two of you began to wrestle on the judges desk, sending shock waves through the ABC censors, Len and Carrie Anne and the entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir. I am not seeing The Donny and Bruno Show in Branson. Unless you lost the Mormon vote last night, you should be able to muster enough votes to hang on until the last three weeks.

The Group With a Tattoo on Their Left Arm

Yes, there are four contestants with tattoos on their left arms. At least four that I have discovered so far.  I do not think Tom DeLay has worn a sleeveless top.  Hmmmm!

  • Snow boarding, cute gnome boy child – a pretty good rumba even with your short legs
  • Wrestler guy – definitely dancing at The Country Club, but it is cool that you get pedicures with your daughter.
  • Aaron, long-legged cute boy child – the baby blue smoking jacket was not doing it for me last night; May I suggest something more heterosexual looking in your costumes?  You are supposed to be the guy.  However, you cross share this category with The Contenders if you have the fan base.
  • Kelly O – OK, Girl, you can do this. Confidence, Woman.  However, after the Donny-Bruno brawl, I feel certain that dancing to “I want to take a ride on your disco stick” pretty much put Len over the edge.

And definitely in a category by himself is the Former House Majority Leader, Tom DeLay.  Where do I begin? I believe any man your age who wears red pants should be examined by mental health professionals. But one who swings his large as a red state hips while wearing red pants, a red and white strip shirt with a sequined Republican elephant appliqué on the back should be taken away by mental health professionals.

Two stress fractures. One in each foot.  I am sure the Republicans think the Democrats are responsible. Now you know what Texas felt like when you gave it a stress fracture of its own.

Given your stress fractures, this begs repeating the question “Why in the hell are you doing this?” In your words, you said “Because I am either insane or stupid.”  Every Texas Democrat will have that clip on their IPhone. Did you cut a deal that if you win DWTS the state of Texas will drop the felony money laundering charges?  Or if you win will you have to give the $100,000 to pay back the $190,000 you were accused of channeling through the Republican National Committee?

Nevertheless, your dancing has been worth it to see last week’s judges’ score of 666 and SNL version with the fires of hell rising behind them. That is a definite IPhone app.

But with all due respect, dancing with two stress fractures, you do show true Texas grit and for that you deserve to stay. Good job. But no more red pants, please!

1 Comment

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged , ,