Online Dating – You are OTL

Remember when OTL meant Out to Lunch inferring lack of attention to the task at hand? Today OTL means Off The List. In this day of social networks and cyberdating certain criteria and standards must be applied or you are OFF THE LIST. Here are some of collected criteria, based on real data from dating profiles, from those flirting in cyberspace.

If you do not submit a photo, you are off the list.

If your photo is of you and your grandchildren, you are off the list.

If your picture caption says, “Me at my youngest child’s graduation,” you are off.

If you include your family portrait, including your late wife as your photo, you are OTL.

If lingerie is mentioned or even marginally visible in any area of your picture, you are OTL.

If your photo is the “Self Portrait” you submitted for the art contest at the community college, you are OTL.

If your profile photo is your senior pic from high school and you graduated twenty years ago OTL – do the math.

If the best photo you have of yourself is standing between the pillars in the foyer of a Mexican restaurant, with a caption “Not a good photo” you are off the list.

If you begin your “about me” paragraph with “I’ve never done this before, but …”, no one believes you. You are OFF THE LIST.

If you describe yourself as “few extra pounds” you are off the list. We all know this means fat.

If you prominently list how much money you make, you’re very likely a big fat liar. And you’re OFF THE LIST.

If you use any conjugation of the word “horny,” OTL. Ditto for “sexy.”

If you are seeking dates solely in an age category that is 30 years younger (or 130 lbs. lighter) than yourself, you are OTL.

If I can determine from your photo that extensive dental work is needed, including the addition of more teeth, you are OTL.

If you are wearing a motorcycle helmet with the visor down, you are off the list.

If I can see the trailer house in the background you are OTL.

If you are wearing bib overalls, you are … I don’t care if they appear to be your clean ones – OTL

If your pets are pit bulls, OTL.

If you mention being “in an open relationship,” “an adventurous couple,” “uninhibited,” or a “free spirit,” this means you have been (or will be) arrested for lewd behavior. Sorry, but we need our money for things other than bail. You’re OFF THE LIST. I don’t care if your girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife is a lawyer.

If you list your occupation as “self-employed,” we all know you are “unemployed” … and OFF THE LIST.

If your online name is Saggy, I do not know that means Sagittarius, so you are OTL.

If you are in South Korea, you are OTL. Six thousand miles is a bit too far even for a long distance relationship.

If you are from my home town, you are OTL.

If you are wearing sans a belt slacks with your polyester sports coat, and I can read 1978 on the picture you scanned, you are OTL.

If you are “sensually” eating Twinkies in your profile pic … I don’t even have to say it, do I?

If the list of things you want in a relationship sounds quite angry (“someone who’ll tell the TRUTH, who’s NOT SO DAMN JUDGMENTAL, and who HAS HIS OWN CAR!”) you’re off the list … but don’t hold it against us, OK? And … ummm … if I gave you my personal email earlier, uhhh, just throw that away. I’m no longer at that address. Really.