DWTS – My Assessment of Week Three

Just how bad is DWTS? Tom DeLay is still dancing and it is Week Three.  Of course that could change tonight, but I am getting ahead of myself.

All of remaining dancers either dance as though they are at a Middle School dance or it is late at night after several cocktails at The Country Club. All equally bad and painful to watch. So which celebrities stood out like a sore toe last night?

Since I have no idea who the majority of the people are, let alone why they are on a reality show, I have grouped them into some categories.

The Get Off the Dance Floor NOW Group

• Michael Irving – you win the Tony Romo award for embarrassing; if you even make it through the night, you need to call Jerry Rice and get some pointers.  Jerry is whipping your butt again.
• Chef Guy – go back to the kitchen at The Country Club; of course you do have the potential to martial up some arts and get it together, but I have little faith.
• Model girl, who looks like a Barbie doll – it is too bad, you do not have a big fan base; you could be in The Contenders
• Debi Mazar – definitely at The Country Club, but knows it and will probably win an Emmy for being able to make fun of herself on SNL

The Contenders

Notice I did not say winners.  Those in this group are somewhat less painful to watch. However, the winner will be in this group

• Mya – I do not know who this woman is, but I will be finding out.  She is the only who has consistently put together extremely good dancing. As the judges said “displays a perfect motion”, and “put all of America in the mood for love.” Beautiful to watch.

• Natalie the Swimmer – you can bring it, much potential. You got that Olympic drive to challenge Mya.

• Donny O – Joseph Smith and Brigham Young are still spinning in their graves.  Not because of your dancing.  My mouth was still hanging open after Bruno’s comment that you looked “airy fairy,” when the two of you began to wrestle on the judges desk, sending shock waves through the ABC censors, Len and Carrie Anne and the entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir. I am not seeing The Donny and Bruno Show in Branson. Unless you lost the Mormon vote last night, you should be able to muster enough votes to hang on until the last three weeks.

The Group With a Tattoo on Their Left Arm

Yes, there are four contestants with tattoos on their left arms. At least four that I have discovered so far.  I do not think Tom DeLay has worn a sleeveless top.  Hmmmm!

• Snow boarding, cute gnome boy child – a pretty good rumba even with your short legs
• Wrestler guy – definitely dancing at The Country Club, but it is cool that you get pedicures with your daughter.
• Aaron, long-legged cute boy child – the baby blue smoking jacket was not doing it for me last night; May I suggest something more heterosexual looking in your costumes?  You are supposed to be the guy.  However, you cross share this category with The Contenders if you have the fan base.
• Kelly O – OK, Girl, you can do this. Confidence, Woman.  However, after the Donny-Bruno brawl, I feel certain that dancing to “I want to take a ride on your disco stick” pretty much put Len over the edge.

And definitely in a category by himself is the Former House Majority Leader, Tom DeLay.  Where do I begin? I believe any man your age who wears red pants should be examined by mental health professionals. But one who swings his large as a red state hips while wearing red pants, a red and white strip shirt with a sequined Republican elephant appliqué on the back should be taken away by mental health professionals.

Two stress fractures. One in each foot.  I am sure the Republicans think the Democrats are responsible. Now you know what Texas felt like when you gave it a stress fracture of its own.

Given your stress fractures, this begs repeating the question “Why in the hell are you doing this?” In your words, you said “Because I am either insane or stupid.”  Every Texas Democrat will have that clip on their IPhone. Did you cut a deal that if you win DWTS the state of Texas will drop the felony money laundering charges?  Or if you win will you have to give the $100,000 to pay back the $190,000 you were accused of channeling through the Republican National Committee?

Nevertheless, your dancing has been worth it to see last week’s judges’ score of 666 and SNL version with the fires of hell rising behind them. That is a definite IPhone app.

But with all due respect, dancing with two stress fractures, you do show true Texas grit and for that you deserve to stay. Good job. But no more red pants, please!