Monday, October 17, 2016 – The Monday After Saturday College Football Awards
We now head into the last half of the regular college football season. The games become unpredictable and everything is on the table and at stake. The Playoff Selection Committee, created, invented and founded by Larry Culpepper, is watching every play. If your game goes into overtime, it should mean an automatic drop by at least one rank in the overall rankings.
Please step forward as I call your team’s name.
The first award for Bye Week goes to the Texas the A&M quidditch team. I am not certain of the rules but it appears two spherical objects (deflated volleyballs – see Tom Brady) are used while on a broom handle. Players are called beaters and chasers. Am I still talking about the game from The Harry Potter series or the presidential debate?
On to football. From the Conference formerly known as The Big 12, currently known as the Should I Stay or Should I Go Conference:
The awards for A Big Win Even Though You Did Not Play A Team Worth Mentioning goes to the following:
Baylor wins 49 Kansas 7. Kansas? Really? Please book your school’s homecoming game with Kansas for next year.
THE University of Texas wins! Granted it was a victory over Iowa State and their traditional ugly uniforms and weather pattern mascot, but a win is a win.
Oklahoma wins 38 over Kansas State 17. Yes, Miss Navasota, Bill Snyder seems to still be alive, but K-State has called him back so many times, I think they plan on life size card board cut outs of him when the day comes.
West Virginia 48 Texas Tech 17 – I think Kliff Kingsbury had on my Ray Ban Travelers that I lost a couple of weeks ago. He might need them as he might be travelling away from Lubbock.
Heartbreak Hotel and Poopy Undies Awards go to:
Lamar 32 Northwestern State 31 – with 6 seconds left Lamar scores. Sorry, Cousin Darryl – the Demons almost won.
Arkansas 34 wins Ole Miss 23 – What Hotty Toddy goes well with bacon?
To North Carolina State and the place kicker I award The Almost and Still Proud of You Award. To the individual(s) who sent disgusting and threating tweets to the NCS kicker upon missing the game winning field goal: You T-shirt Wearing only A-Hole: Someday I hope you have a football rectally inserted into your anatomy.
The Award for “The Committee is Watching” goes Ohio State for the OT victory over Wisconsin 30-24. Nuts!
And a second award for The Committee is Watching goes to Clemson for their overtime victory over North Carolina State. 24 North Carolina State 17 OT.
Houston 38 Tulsa 31 – The Award for “The Committee is NOT Watching” goes to The University of Houston and Herman’s Hermits for holding on at the goal line against Tulsa.
And now from the Conference of Champions – The Southeastern Conference.
The Participation Award in the SEC goes to the Commodores of Vanderbilt. Vanderbilt 17 Georgia 16 – The excitement in the SEC East!
The Blow Out Award goes to Alabama. Alabama 49 Tennessee 10 – Lost that one in a big time blowout too, didn’t you, Mr. Crockett?
The Award for Perfection goes to the Alabama Crimson Tide. This refers to the record of 6-0 headed into Saturday’s game against the also undefeated Texas Aggies. Sidebar to the Tide Rollers: The Aggies BTHO Tennessee the week before. You are welcome.
The Award for Somebody is Not Going to be Perfect Next Saturday goes to …
Checklist for Saturday
Alcohol Supply – Beer, vodka and tequila – check
Additional bloody Mary mix – check
Scotch, if necessary, for fourth quarter – check
Two bags Doritos – check
Hot Dogs and Buns – check
Nacho fixings – check
Chili or gumbo – Decide on Thursday
BTHO Alabama T-shirt – pick up @ Aggieland Outfitters
Maroon shoes – check
Aggie socks – clean. Check.
Aggie cap – check
Shorts or jeans – check weather on Friday
Small Aggie football that plays War Hymn when slammed against table – check
Damn It Doll – check. Does not play anything. Reminder to self: Do not throw damn it doll at TV.
Ensure windows are closed in the event it is necessary to scream words that can burn the ears of a sailor.
See if Catholic store has Beat Alabama candles. If not, find some saint candles at grocery store. Pick up several.
Create alter for candles for Friday night vespers and vigil.
Double check alcohol supply. Pick up another six pack.
Check supply of chill pills – Call Walgreens. Don’t forget blood pressure meds!
To be continued.