Here's What I'm Thinking

Friday, August 4 – A Snarky Friday Preview

To any new readers: During college football season the College Football Snark returns to snark on any team. No team is safe from The Snark.

Today the Snark will test your knowledge of the Offensive Coordinator for the Texas A&M Aggies, Bobby Petrino.

Place a check mark by the Institution of Higher Education where Bobby Petrino served in a coaching capacity.

Carrol College

Weber State

Idaho

Arizona State

Nevada

Utah State

Louisville

Auburn

Louisville (again)

Arkansas

Missouri State

If put a check mark by each IHE you are correct. Now put a star by the schools from which he has been fired. Hint: There are two. Now sing the Beach Boys song “I Get Around.” Or Johnny Cash’s “I’ve Been Everywhere.”

Let’s hope all of that experience comes together as Offensive Coordinator at Texas A&M. HWIT, if there is not a major championship and/or major bowl game, his and Jimbo’s seats are going to be hotter than today’s temperature. (It’s 106 today.) Evidently Petrino keeps a moving company on speed dial.

And now for your Friday laugh…

“We’re just going to play another road game. Just as hard as in Kansas and Iowa State as it is going to be in Tuscaloosa. It’s just bigger and more people. THE University of Texas Assistant coach, Jeff Banks on the Longhorns’ trip vs Alabama.

HWIT. Jeff? Sadly, you will not be playing the people of Tuscaloosa. You will be playing the team from Tuscaloosa. And  Ames Iowa, and Lawrence, Kansas are not the same as Tuscaloosa because neither have as many National Championships Titles and trophies as Tuscaloosa does. Snark Out!

Monday, July 31, 2023 – Belly Up to Bar! My First Royalty Check Arrived

Belly up to the bar. Bartender ? Drinks for everybody. All on my tab. My first royalty check for They’re Not Crazy – They’re Southern arrived in my bank account. Bartender? Make all those drinks soft drinks because that is about as much money as I received.

Which brings me to the next point! Many of you have texted, sent pics of yourself reading, told me in person – that you enjoyed it. Those sent in Messenger include” “I know you are talking about in Story 4.” “Oh my, Story 6 made me cry.” “I laughed so hard in Story 7.”

While I love hearing from you, it doesn’t really do much good to tell me. You need to tell others as in leave a REVIEW on Amazon. In case you do not know what to say in your review, let me help you.

For those who received the book as a gift:

• I received this book as a gift. It is so funny. So very much Southern. Nobody else would know what a muskie dime is.
• I can’t wait to give this to others. It is a perfect gift.
• My 90 year old father-in-law loved it. So funny.
• I laughed so hard at some of these stories, I peed in my pants.

For those of you who purchased copies:

• This was the perfect book for my flight to Europe.
• A great read at the beach.
• My favorite story is about Liberace.
• This was the perfect book for my hospital stay with knee (or choose your own body part) replacement.
• In The Wedding of the Decade there were men dressed in drag. Your book is now banned in Florida.

So in conclusion, if you want beverages of an adult nature, I need more royalty checks

Sunday, July 30, 2023 – Happy Birthday to …!

Let’s all sing along…

Happy Birthday to my new hip

Happy Birthday to my new hip

One year ago today

Happy Birthday to my new hip!!

Thank you, Lord for it and I am kicking butt once again!

Wednesday, July 26, 2023 – DAMN IT I’M MAD!

My apologies for not posting anything recently, but DAMN IT, I’m mad!

I am mad at the state of Florida for suggesting the institution of slavery was a work force incentive and the slaves could benefit from it. So said slaves were able to develop agricultural skills, child care skills, kitchen and housekeeping skills – just to name a few. There were also skills developed in running, torture survival, and procreation of biracial children. DAMN IT, I’m mad.

I am mad at the Governor of Texas for putting a giant, floating razor-wired, barrier in the Rio Grande River. Way to deal diplomatically, Governor Wheeler. Maybe if Mexico wins the war you are promoting, Texas will go back to Mexico. DAMN IT, I’m mad.

I am mad at Texas A&M University. First the administration bungles the hiring of a highly qualified journalism professor. A contract was signed giving five years, with tenure and other perks. But then – The Old Army of Peni stepped in and said, “No, to the Black female.”  DAMN IT, I’m mad. And then rewrote the contract and put her name and signature from the first contract as signed! Even more mad!

So the President of Texas A&M steps down in protest. No big loss to that, but down goes female # 2. DAMN IT, I’m mad.

And then another well credentialed professor whose expertise lies in the opioid crisis of the United States, alleged says “something” about the Lieutenant Governor, Dan Patrick in a class lecture. While it is uncertain what was said and no other classmates can remember, nevertheless some little débutante took offense and called Mommy, who called Daddy, who called Danny Boy, who called Chancellor John Sharp of Texas A&M. Yes Boy Sharp sent this email to Patrick’s office: “Joy Alonzo has been placed on administrative leave pending investigation re firing her. shud [sic] be finished by end of week.”  –  signed “jsharp.”  DAMN IT, I’m mad!

So once again, The Old Army of Peni interfered with academia. It is just my imagination that this entire embarrassing, debacle has three highly qualified females at the center. DAMN IT, I’m Mad!

Here is a link to a good summary by Juanita Jean.

https://juanitajean.com/2023/07/

Scroll down unless you want to read about Jason Aldean and Try that in a Small Town. DAMN IT! I’M MAD!

PS – Calling old Austin – The DAMN IT, I’M MAD skit was done by Kerry Awn formerly of Esther’s Follies.

Monday, July 17, 2023- It’s Barbieheimer Week!

Get your tickets now for the two alleged blockbuster movies of the summer – Barbie and Oppenheimer.

Since much of what is written and believed on social media is based on no information, misinformation and unbelievable gullibility by the products of the ever failing, public education system, I feel confident in discussing these two films even though it will be Friday before I actually see the films.

First let’s talk about Barbie. This movie is about a doll who decides to leave her Pepto-Bismal colored Malibu Beach house and go off to explore the real world with her boyfriend – the anatomically incorrect, Ken. Ken has no junk. In fact I am working on a rap song: Ken ain’t’ got no junk hey! Ken ain’t got no junk hey. He and Barbie just can’t go cause Ken ain’t got no junk. I think it needs more work.

But Barbie and Ken find the world is different and there are many diverse people that make the world a better place to live. They all live happily ever after and the moral of the movie is: Be happy in the skin you have and be nice to people.

I understand the far right, MAGAs, anti -everything that is not like me folks are dishing the Barbie movie because it has LGBTQ and tolerance of others overtones. I understand there a child’s drawing of a map on the wall in a scene. Texas Senator Ted Cruz notes that this means Barbie is persuading young girls to become Communist or some other equally stupid assertion. And as previously mentioned Barbie and Junkless Ken find happiness in a diverse world that is not like them. Let me just say this – IT IS A FICTION MOVIE ABOUT A DOLL!

Opening on the same day and probably at the same theater, is Oppenheimer. This is a true story about theoretical physicist, J. Robert Oppenheimer, who almost blew up the world and actually did destroy two cities. He endowed us with a mushroom shaped cloud. He also caused the world to live forever in fear on the brink of nuclear destruction should some idiot have access to the button that blows us all away. In addition, there is a 25 minute, frontal nudity scene. According to Reddit, it is a tasteful nude scene. I have not seen criticism of this movie by the constantly annoyed with everything group. But of course with their level of education I understand why they are unable to even spell Oppenheimer or understand the far reaching consequences of such an event.

From what I read on social media, Barbie is a fun-filled romp, with many actors, a good music track that makes a great afternoon matinee. Afterwards you want to go have pink margaritas with all your diverse friends.

Oppenheimer is a very long, intense thought provoking cinema masterpiece. Afterwards you want to put on a black beret, go to a dark coffee house, smoke Dunhill cigarettes and talk about existentialism.

Stay Cool!

Friday, July 14, 2023 – Forty-three Days and Counting

My apologies for being absentia for the past two weeks.  I was dealing with life issues. We all are born with an expiration date. Whether you are 103 years old or 89 years old and your expiration date comes up it still leaves a sad void in the world of those you left on this side of the Veil.

But life goes on… So what am I thinking?

It is hotter than butt crack of Satan in Texas .(TY TB – I had never heard that metaphor). This of course is a result of God giving Satan a choice of living arrangements when he was kicked out of Heaven. God said, “You can live in Hell for eternity or you can live in Texas in the summer time.”

In fact the Devil actually made Hell according to this folk song.

The Devil in Hell

The devil, we’re told, in hell was chained,
And a thousand years he there remained;
He never complained nor did he groan,
But determined to start a hell of his own,
Where he could torment the souls of men
Without being chained in a prison pen.
So he asked the Lord if he had on hand
Anything left when he made the land.

The Lord said, “Yes, I had plenty on hand,
But I left it down on the Rio Grande;
The fact is, old boy, the stuff is so poor
I don’t think you could use it in hell anymore.”
But the devil went down to look at the truck,
And said if it came as a gift he was stuck;
For after examining it carefully and well
He concluded the place was too dry for hell.

So, in order to get it off his hands,
The Lord promised the devil to water the lands;
For he had some water, or rather some dregs,
A regular cathartic that smelled like bad eggs.
Hence the deal was closed and the deed was given
And the Lord went back to his home in heaven.
And the devil then said, “I have all that is needed
To make a good hell,” and hence he succeeded.

He began to put thorns in all of the trees,
And mixed up the sand with millions of fleas;
And scattered tarantulas along all the roads;
Put thorns on the cactus and horns on the toads.
He lengthened the horns of the Texas steers,
And put an addition on the rabbit’s ears;
He put a little devil in the broncho steed,
And poisoned the feet of the centipede.

The rattlesnake bites you, the scorpion stings,
The mosquito delights you with buzzing wings;
The sand-burrs prevail and so do the ants,
And those who sit down need half-soles on their pants.
The devil then said that throughout the land
He’d managed to keep up the devil’s own brand,
And all would be mavericks unless they bore
The marks of scratches and bites and thorns by the score.

The heat in the summer is a hundred and ten,
Too hot for the devil and too hot for men.
The wild boar roams through the black chaparral,–
It’s a hell of a place he has for a hell.
The red pepper grows on the banks of the brook;
The Mexicans use it in all that they cook.
Just dine with a Greaser and then you will shout,
“I’ve hell on the inside as well as the out!”

Sorry about that “Greaser” word. Let’s change it “Just dine with a friend.”

Moving on.

Yesterday was Texas A&M day on the SEC Network. The day ended with the 2022 Aggie/LSU football game. Note to LSU fans – you lost again!

It was indeed a game of hope for the coming football season. Why? Number one reason is that the Aggies do not play Appalachian State this year. Number two reason is that everybody at last year’s game was wearing coats, gloves, hats, hoodies, and sweatshirts. It gives me hope that temperatures will decline.

Meanwhile, stay cool. Stay hydrated and Gig’ Em Aggies!

Friday, June 30, 2023 – The First Lady of Magnolia, Texas and of All of Our Hearts

My dear friend, Celeste Graves, passed away at the young age of 103 this week, a few months shy of her 104^th birthday. Here are two of my favorite Celeste stories.

There is no doubt in my mind that Celeste and Dub Graves were the second couple my parents met after moving to Texas in 1945. The first couple, of course, being Sarah and Cecil Groves. Celeste was the office manager for Grogan-Cochran lumber company where my father served as bookkeeper. I feel confident in stating that managing my father and my Godfather, Cecil Groves, were relatively easy. Managing L.A, Buckalew and Mr. Henry Grogan and those characters were probably a different story. But you did not cross Celeste! Ha! Oh my goodness, the tales she told and the tales she took with her.

Before I was born my parents vacationed some with Celeste and Dub. One of my all time favorite stories is the trip back from Mexico. My father, driving and Dub in the front seat and my Mother and Celeste in the back seat. As they stopped at the border crossing back into Texas, the border security guard asked, “What’s in the  trunk?” Those of you who knew my Father knew he had the driest sense of humor. He could look straight at you and never crack a smile. My Father looked at the guard and said, “An elephant!”

The guard screams “EVERYBODY GET OUT OF THE CAR! OPEN THE TRUNK!” The guard and the four of them stand by the trunk. My Father slowly raises the trunk and there sits and a three foot tall elephant. I would so loved to have seen this situation. I am sure that elephant sits somewhere among the 1000 plus elephants she collected.

Fast forward. Celeste was the only person I allowed to call me Rosie. Of course my name is Rose, but for some reason, I just did not care for Rosie.

Celeste left the sawmill and became Secretary to the Superintendents of Magnolia ISD sometime in the 1950’s. Go back in time and it is the summer of 1966. I walk up the five little style steps on my side of the fence and down the five little style steps onto the school yard. I walk past Room 10, the tax office, and into Magnolia High School, down the dark, cool hall passing the science lab on my left and the home making department on my right. I went down the hall took a right turn, waved to Celeste as I walked by her office and three more steps to the left, I knocked on Mr. Lyon’s office.

He said, “Come in?” I said, “May I pick up my schedule for next year?” He looked the four piles of class schedules, picked up the Senior Class pile and handed me mine.” When I saw mine, I became frightened.” I said, “Mr. Lyon? I do not want to take shorthand. I want to take physics and they are at the same time.’ He replied, “Delia. Girls don’t take physics. Why do you want to take physics?”

I said, “I want to go to college and I think physics will be more helpful than shorthand.” After crying on the way back over the steps and home and getting my mother involved there was a compromise.  Mr. L. said, “You can take physics if you get one other girl to take it with you.” Sidebar: Thank you Molly Harper for taking it with me. You turned out to be a regular Leonard Hofstatler.

But that wasn’t the end of that story. As I was leaving his office, he said, “But you have to go tell Celeste. And do it now!” I should have know then who actually was in charge of everything.

Wow! I just thought I was scared in Mr. Lyon’s office. It went downhill after she said, “Hello, Rosie. Come in.” Trust me she was not happy about it. And was not happy about it for a long period of time. But as my father always says, “It all works out.” I never took a shorthand class, but I took two college physics classes.

So many stories. So many memories.

And so we must say good-by to a legend. But as my favorite philosopher, Jimmy Buffet sings, “…but a legend never dies.”

Celeste? You made all of us who loved you for these 103 years better people. And you made the world a better place because you were a part of it. There will never be another Celeste. Love, Rosie.

Friday, June 23, 2023 – Let’s Hear It for LSU! LSU! LSU!

Apologies for such a late post …

LET’S HEAR IT FOR THE LSU TIGER BASEBALL! Let’s give a big WHOOP! What an awesome series between LSU and Wake Forest. With two spectacular college teams like those two I wish there could be a tie. But that’s baseball.

LSU will now meet Florida for the NCAA College World Series Championship. Since I was a small child I was taught that one never pulls for a team from Florida. And since many of my cousins attended LSU (and a few graduated) I always pull for LSU except in certain circumstances.

I do hope that LSU can bring home the NCAA Championship Trophy. The Tigers can put it where their 2012 SEC Championship West Football trophy sat in the trophy case. I understand that the trophy is being Fed-Exed to College Station.

Texas A&M are now the 2012 SEC West Champions, courtesy of LSU football’s probation penalties.

Best Snarky Friday! Shout out to JH. JH? You might recognize the guy in the photo and remember that 2012 game. Hit the course soon! GEAUX TIGERS!