Category Archives: Uncategorized

Tuesday, December 2, 2014 – Education Strikes Again

After I returned from Alaska, I started reading James Michener’s book Alaska. One should read one of Michener’s works in their lifetime.  Of course it takes a lifetime to read one of his works because they are almost 1000 pages long.  Alaska will be my second Michener book. I somehow made it through Texas twenty years ago.

His books always begin in geologic time when the earth was forming. In the first 10 pages the land masses on the earth are still connected and that was about a billion years ago. I am up to 20 pages now and the Pangaea is beginning to happen. The continental techtonic plates are beginning to move and have moved roughly two inches. This is roughly a billion years ago, give or take a few million. I will keep you informed of my progress. Are there any questions?

No Pangaea is not the name of the restaurant. That is Panera Bread. Pangaea is a geologic term referring to the separation of the land masses and the eventual formation of the continents as they are today.

Now we will have the same content presented from a lesson plan designed by Texas State Board of Education from their newly adopted textbooks.

In the beginning, there is no Pangaea. God CREATED the continents to look just the way to do now. About 10,000 years ago, when Adam and Eve wore clothing from Dillard’s to cover being nude which leads to sex, and just before the extinction of the dinosaurs, Moses consulted with the Founding Fathers of the United States. Note: Moses only consulted in the red states and not blue ones.

I must go try to get to page 30.  Perhaps a few more million geologic years will pass.  Or in SBOE time – never happened.

Monday, December 1, 2014 – The List Grows Shorter and The Committee Grows Stronger – Week 14

It was Rivalry Weekend or as I said anything can happen and it did.  The remaining games are fewer and The Committee’s decisions become stronger.  As the advertising asks “Who’s In?” officially, one must wait until next week for the rankings of The Committee, but it is looking as though TCU could become the school of religion in The Big Four.  Apparently, for Baylor, walking on a soggy, wet, rain soaked field is not the same as walking on water.

Who or what does Brent Mushbagger know? Does he have video on ESPN executives? Why is he still talking?  At least the equally obnoxious Jesse Palmer is better to look at and actually has proof of an athletic collegiate experience.  I understand Brent got to call The Iron Bowl game on ESPN between Auburn and Alabama as long as he promised not to make oogling, disparaging remarks about the Alabama quarterback’s fiancée like he did last year.

But it is Monday and that means my college football awards.  This was intrastate rivalry, bring the recruits and impress The Committee weekend.

WHEN I SAY “ALA”, THEN YOU SAY “BAMA”. And the Tide is rolling. The Crimson Tide wins The Playing Well is the Best Revenge Award. Did you see that little bit of time prior to half time when Auburn almost came back and was actually leading at one point? That was when the Alabama water boys and girls were playing while the team rested a few minutes.  Could it be that that the National Championship trophy is headed to a Wal-Mart near Tuscaloosa soon?

Somebody sent me a text and asked why I do not write more about Ohio State. Well, there. I just did. Really, though, what team’s mascot is a tree or the fruit from the Buckeye tree? And what are those little stickers on the helmets? Buckeye seeds? But for the texter, OSU gets the first two awards.

The Really Uncomfortably Tight Spandex Award goes to The Ohio State for not really looking good. I am sorry your quarter broke his ankle, but it does become a factor for The Committee to consider.

The Ohio University also receives The Dot in Ohio Award for recovering a fumble with 3:15 left in the game to go ahead and win by 21, making the game appear to be a run away, when it really wasn’t. Excuse me, didn’t you win this last week too where you had to come from behind? Hear that Committee?

The Eye of the Tiger Award goes to Missouri. How much does a pig weigh at two or three months? Show Me! About 25 # or about what a Missouri tiger eats per day.  But next year Arkansas will not be a pig.  It will be that fully, grown giant, Razorback Hog and will need to be reckoned with.

The William Tecumseh Sherman Award goes to the Rambling Wrecks from Georgia Tech while they were Marching Through Georgia and winning in OT.

The Really Uncomfortably Tight, This is Getting Ridiculous Award goes to Florida State for one “ mo” time winning in the fourth quarter during the final minutes of play, and not looking like a team in The Big Four. Let’s go Georgia Tech! You have the first opportunity to really mess up things by winning against FSU next week.

The You Almost Had Em Swan Song Award goes to Uncle Will and the Florida Gators. What? Muschamp at Texas A&M as Defensive Coordinator? Surely, you jest. He would have to do as many mea culpas as Pope Francis to apologize for comments made against the Aggies and almost any team he has come in contact with. Take it on out to Lubbock, Will. They can’t hear you yell as loud on the prairie. And take some fashion sense with you.

There is the Hottie Toddy Touchdown Award for the 91 yard touchdown run against Mississippi State (one of many touchdowns) giving The Egg Bowl Trophy to Ole Miss and sending the Mississippi State Bulldogs sliding out of the top.

The Humpty Dumpty Award goes to Mississippi State as all the kings’ horses and all the kings’ men couldn’t put the Heisman for Prescott together again.

From the West Coast, we have two games of slight importance, but possible great significance.

Between the Arizona Sun Devils and the Arizona Wildcats, the Wildcats take home whatever their state rivalry trophy is called, but the Wildcats of Arizona will have the second opportunity to really mess things up with a win over Oregon next week.

Between The Cardinal and the Bruin, (Stanford and UCLA) they both win, The But We are Still Smarter Than Your School Award, but with Stanford winning the football game.

And, lastly, to the Baylor Bears you get your name placed with all of the others on the giant This is Why We Hate Texas Tech Trophy. You can add your name to all the rest of the teams who have been down three touchdowns, or more going into the fourth quarter, only to lose, or almost lose, in the closing seconds of the game with long pass receptions. Kingsbury football at its finest. I feel certain Baylor is wishing and hoping and singing and praying and anything else for victories by Arizona and Georgia Tech next Friday and Saturday.

Friday, November 28, 2014 – HORSE LAUGH!

In case you did not hear it last night yelled from Kyle Field, here is the Texas A&M horse laugh yell.

Riffety, riffety, riff-raff! Chiffity, chiffity, chiff-chaff! Riff-raff! Chiff-chaff! Let’s give ‘em a horse laugh: Sssssss!

As in PISSSSSSSS on a hot rock and on you if you were wearing a black and white zebra striped shirt last night and the horse laugh you rode in on too, REFs! How many people in Kyle Field saw LSU jump off sides and into the neutral zone as the ball was snapped? Over 100,000. How many people with a yellow flag in their pants saw it? ZERO! WHAT? Was your bus back to the swamp leaving at 10:30 and you had to get to the bus station? Well, time definitely ran out on the Aggies last night with a non-called penalty in which the play resulted in an interception giving LSU the ball. Losing to the opponent is one thing.  Losing to the referees is another. But onward. Don’t look backward unless you intend to go there. Just remember.

TCU are you impressed with us now, Committee? The Horned Frogs put a Frog Ass-whipping on the Texas Longhorns. It appears TCU will be the religious school in the Big Top. Who knew? However, I would not want to be in Fort Worth next year and you know, “worst defeat in Austin, DKR” will be on the locker room walls in a couple of years as a reminder when Swoops is a veteran.

On a different shaped ball note, the # 7 nationally ranked Texas Aggie Women’s basketball team plays the # 8 nationally ranked Duke Women’s basketball team on Sunday at noon in Reed Arena. Look for me on TV. I will be the one wearing maroon. I hope those referees did not go to the School for the Blind where last night’s refs apparently attended. BTHO Duke.

Thursday, November 27, 2014 – Lots To Be Thankful For

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As my dear Honeyboy used to say, “There is always lots to be thankful for.” I have letters after my name and framed pieces of paper hanging on the wall written with Latin phrases and in Old English script that mean “You is kind; you is smart and you is important.” No wait. That line is from The Help. Let’s just go with smart.  But it does provide me with the perceived ability and credibility to create words, phrases and to use other word nerd, linguistic licenses.  And since there is always lots to be thankful for, I created the above word, listing in no particular order, ten things for which I am thankful. Well, people did not think supercalifragilisticexpialidocious would catch on either.

Why Freshmen? Because a majority of the starters for the Fighting Texas Aggie football team are freshmen.  True freshmen as in “…true to each other, as Aggies can be…”

Happy Thanksgiving, Gig ‘Em Aggies and BTHO LSU.

Monday, November 24, 2014 – And Then There Were Twelve

It is Week 14 of college football.  There are twelve teams left in contention for a big playoff berth.  And each one of them is fighting for fourth place in the Big Top Four. This is Anything Can Happen Week because it is the week of conference games between the state rivals – The Egg Bowl between Ole Miss and Mississippi State; The Iron Bowl between Alabama and Auburn, The Goodbye Will and Jameis Bowl between Florida and Florida State and The Duck The Beaver Bowl between Oregon and Oregon State. In the state of Texas we have The We Are Not Texas A&M on Thanksgiving Game between TCU and THE University. And The Fighting Texas Aggies will host the Tigers of LSU. A cow, a frog, a tiger and an Aggie walk into a bar… Sounds like an interesting Thanksgiving.

Then those teams on the West Coast play, like we care in Texas. Of the 12 teams remaining, The Big 12 is the only conference that does not have a playoff game. Interesting, huh?  Well, the conference did lose its Twelfth Man. Groan. The teams of contention become fewer but there are still plenty of awards to hand out.  So here we go.

To all of the fans in the path of the driving rain, lightning and thunder, delay the game storm, you receive The Poncho and Hefty (as in garbage bag) Award for standing in the pouring rain to watch your team play.  From the warm, confines of my chair in my dry sweat suit, you looked miserable, but I am proud of you.

OOOOOklahoma,  where the rains come whistling down the plains, you receive The Schooner Sooner Award giving a new meaning to the new Sooner Schooner combination wagon and watercraft.  And for beating Kansas.

The Hotty Toddy Sooey Pig Weather Award goes to Arkansas for also playing in same storm wave as OU and KU against Ole Miss in the cold, raining like hogs weather.  As the Arkansas coach said “It is WHOO PIG weather.” It certain wasn’t sitting on the veranda weather. It was more like, shut out the front door, for Ole Miss. Arkansas wins 30-0.

The Spandex, Uncomfortably Tight Award goes to The Ohio State University for not pulling away from Boston College until the fourth quarter.  These two teams also receive The Wearing the Same Color Uniform Award.

The Florida State Seminoles win The We Don’t Show Up Until the Fourth Quarter Award for once again coming from behind to win the game against Boston College. Where was Doug Flutie when you needed him?

The What’s The Point Award goes to the Florida State field goal kicker for kicking the winning goal with three seconds left in the game.

Texas Tech wins this week’s My State Plays Football Better than Yours Does for winning against Iowa State, as if anyone really cares.

The Baylor Bears, also in the same storm system from the 11:00 am games win The Baptists Love the Water Award for winning against Oklahoma State.

The Bears also receive The Nineteen Plays and Gasping Award for running nineteen plays, burning through half of the first quarter and staying on the field for 10 uninterrupted minutes.

The Don’t Criticize the Schedule Award goes to the SEC for scheduling creampuff, cupcake games before their big, and equally important big intrastate games. Note to Criticizers:  Have you looked at which conference will have the most teams in bowl games?  BTHO of LSU!

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Gypsy Rose Fortune Teller Here. Cross my palm with silver and I will look into my crystal ball and see the future of a bowl game for two major universities in Texas.  Yes, I see it now.  There appears to be great rumor mongering on the Internet that the team called The Aggies is reportedly afraid to play this university of orange in the Weird Land.  There are also rumors that the Big, Bad, “We’re The SEC and You’re Not!” says no to the Horns too, on behalf of The Aggies.  Hmm.  Gypsy Rose believes this to be harmful.  Never say The Aggies of Texas A&M are afraid.  Gypsy Rose believes this could become a bee up Bevo’s butt.  But alas, Gypsy Rose also sees lots of contractual agreements and paperwork from the SEC that says “Just say No to Texas” in multiple ways.  These appear to be DeLost Clauses of Dodd.  Oh no. I need more silver to cross my palm before I can see more.  However, if there is a bowl game between these two schools, Gypsy Rose will be surprised. And that seldom happens to psychics.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014 – The Magna Carta

Good Morning, Class,

Our social studies lesson today concerns The Magna Carta. That is Latin for Great Charter or Big Piece of Parchment that is Important in History. This charter or document was signed by King John at Runnymede in England on June 15, 1215.  This was during the fifth and sixth Crusades, shortly after the earth cooled and the dinosaurs became extinct due to an act of God. This is when the Christians were off fighting the infidels of Islam and trying to make everybody believe like they do.  This is not to be confused with today’s controversial textbooks approved by the Texas State Board of Education who employ similar techniques of ensuring everyone believes as they do and if there is no mention of Jihads or Islam, then they are not really there.

This king, John, was forced to sign the document. It was called a seal because there were few people who could read or write and education for the unwashed masses had not been invented.  Since it was a BIG document, there were no technicalities or loopholes. It said very straight forward – The King is not above the law.

Today this document was recently upheld in the courts of The Magna Hair Carta in Texas. This document states “No technicalities allowed; the Governor is not above the law and you have to show up for the charges.” See you in court, Captain Hairspray. This lesson approved by the SBOE.