Category Archives: humor

Tuesday, March 14, 2017 – March Madness Begins! There is Good News and Bad News

Tuesday, March 14, 2017 – March Madness Begins! There is Good News and Bad News

It is time to follow the bouncing ball as we begin the journey through Brackeville enroute to The Final Four. Much of today will be spent upon completion of my NCAA – Division I Men’s and Women’s basketball brackets. This means my thoughtful, high researched, and always snarky comments will come tomorrow.

I am very excited that my sister will be playing brackets this year. She, like myself, base our selections on such criteria as: Family Alumni, Conferences loyalties, color of uniforms, coaches’ attire, jewelry, number of tattoos per team, and of course the all-important cross gender criteria – HAIR! – including guestimates of how much hair grease Andy Landers goes through each month. But more on my brackets and criteria tomorrow.

The good news or the bad news first? The good news is the Texas Aggies women’s basketball team does not have to go to Waco or Austin to begin First Round play. Neither does the team have to fight the blizzard where the top half of the bracket is playing.

The Aggies start The Dance by going to California in beautiful star studded, glitter town – Los Angles! Note: to top half of bracket – That is SUNNY California. Who does your bracket geography? Obviously, long-term, freak weather patterns were not factored into the equation. Notice the “really smart” schools are in California while you are shivering. It is called SPRING break for a reason.

The Aggies are the #5 seed in the lower bracket. We will meet the #16 seed Penn State Nitany Lions, Ivy League Conference Champions.

Listen up, whatever a Nitany Lion is – We gonna show you some Ivy League, Texas style basketball from the Harvard on the Brazos! Ladies! Let’s Get in Formation! We be getting our Beyoncé on! Did I mention the sun? Where is my Beyoncé bikini?

Miss Curtyce Knox assisting me to Get in Formation.

And the bad news? Aside from The Basketball Blizzard of 2017 in The East? The winner of the Texas A&M/Penn State games faces the winner of Boise State and UCLA! Wait. That is not the bad news. In the same bracket looming high up in the clouds, and hopefully above the snow, above the rim, above all categories of college basketball statistics lies UCONN! As in ‘You con not catch us!’

But it’s MADNESS!

As Coach Gary Blair said today, “We are not good enough to look past anyone, but we are good enough to beat anyone, and that includes everyone in the tournament.” Gig ‘Em Aggies! WHOOP!

But today our focus must be preparing brackets and tuned into the baseball game in Austin. That would be on the Long-Horn Network – the Network that gives an entirely new meaning to “closed captioned.”

Here’s what I’m thinking: If a network had more programming (as in more schools) one would not have to hear VY and RW doing bad commercials. Instead there could entire shows of National Championships and not just Alabama, but by any number of teams and unbelievable number of athletics.

BTHO – tu!

Friday, March 10 – You’ll Wonder Where the Yellow Went When…?

Friday, March 10 – You’ll Wonder Where the Yellow Went When…?

I am just wondering where yesterday went. Oh yeah, now I recall. Yesterday was blown away like a Kansas twister taking all of the Horn Frogs to victory. Rock Chalk Jay Hawk, Frog Squat.

While waiting for that nail biter college basketball game to end, I was dancing in the streets (OK, the living room and no one but the FBI could see me) but I was singing DUKE, DUKE, DUKE, DUKE of Earle, DUKE, DUKE … and texting GN#1 in Louisville. Next time, I make a meme of my singing and dancing and send to her.

Let the seeds fall as they may and the madness begin.

“You’ll wonder where the yellow went…”

What was the next line? What did “you” do next and with what?

“when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent.” If you knew, you are old as dirt.

I think a better jingle is: You’ll wonder where the day went; when you brush your teeth with vodka.

Wednesday, March 8, 2017 – Confusion Fusion – Beauty and the Beast

Wednesday, March 8, 2017 – Confusion Fusion – Beauty and the Beast

I see in Variety that an Alabama theatre will not show Walt Disney’s Beauty and the Beast because it has a gay character. Yet the theatre does not seem to have issues with the story plot:

Belle is a young woman who is taken prisoner by a Beast in his castle in exchange for the freedom of her father Maurice. Despite her fears, she befriends the castle’s enchanted staff and she learns to look beyond the Beast’s exterior to recognize the true heart and soul of the human Prince within. Meanwhile, a hunter named Gaston is on the loose to take Belle for himself and later intends to hunt down the Beast at any cost.

Hmm. In addition the theatre does not seem to have an issue that the Belle falls in love with a beast – aka an animal in clothes.

I am so confused.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beauty_and_the_Beast_(2017_film)

http://variety.com/2017/film/news/beauty-and-the-beast-gay-character-alabama-theater-1202001627/

Tuesday, March 7, 2017 – Here’s What I’m Thinking

Tuesday, March 7, 2017 – Here’s What I’m Thinking

How about this idea? The United States Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos DeVoucher wants “school choice.” This is when affluent parental units are able to remove their children from low performing schools. The Lt. Governor of Texas, Dan Patrick, wants students to go to the bathroom based on the gender listed on their birth certificate. This is to avoid sexual predators. FYI – Dan, it’s not like sexual predators don’t go into other bathrooms, janitors’ closets, alleyways, parks or even in their homes.

So here’s what I’m thinking – Why not have all the charter and voucher schools implement DP’s bathroom bill and then leave the rest of the public places alone?

Everyone just wants to be free to pee.

Monday, March 6, 2017 – Leaks -Yтечки

Monday, March 6, 2017 – Leaks – Yтечки

Dear President Trump,

I am sorry to hear you are having leaks. Have you tried Myrbetriq? This seems to work for many people.

Depends underwear works well too and they make Depends for men.

May I also suggestion that you use a heavy duty aluminum foil to wrap your phone and other communicative devices. This probably works better than receiving alien messages through the fillings in your teeth.

Just trying to be helpful. FYI this is how you say leaks in Russian – утечки

 

Friday, March 3, 2017 – Blah

Friday, March 3, 2017 – Blah

Some days a diamond; some days a stone.

Sometime you are the windshield; sometimes you are the bug.

Today has been a stone and bug. Does that make me a stoned bug?

buzzard-rp-800x450

Thursday, March 2, 2017 – March 2, 1836 – Texas Independence Day!

Thursday, March 2, 2017 – March 2, 1836 – Texas Independence Day!

While the fighters were defending The Alamo, the suits and politicians were signing a Declaration of Independence stating the Mexican state of Texas would henceforth be free and independent.

Five days later, on March 6, Santa Anna’s armies would breach the walls of The Alamo and order “no quarters” which meant “kill them all.” A few days march later, there was The Goliad Massacre. History books state Colonel Fannin split his troops into two sections (not good military strategy). Neither did he tell his troops there was to be “no quarters.” These decisions vilified Fannin and his widow and two daughters for decades.

Meanwhile, General Sam Houston and the entire town of Gonzales were hauling their newly independent asses toward the Gulf Coast with Santa Anna in hot pursuit. Had General Santa Anna not stopped along the way, he might have overtaken them. That would be “no muy bueno. Es muy mal.”

The ending battle for Texas Independence was April 21, 1936 at San Jacinto. The Battle of San Jacinto is considered a world changing battle. Texas was free and independent. I know, RP, it should have stayed that way.

Today is a day when we celebrate all of Texas and its heroes of The Revolution. William B. Travis, Davy Crockett, Jim Bowie, Sam Houston, DeWitt, Rush, Rusk, and all of the others Texas heroes of the day.

But here is my Texas hero. J.V. McClanahan from Luling, Texas. JV waving from bus (800x530)

Five years ago, I had the privilege and honor to escort Mr. J. V. on Austin’s first Honor Flight carrying World War II Vets to see their monument in Washington D. C.ww-ii-2

untitledOn March 2, 1945, Mr. McClanahan was taken POW by the Germans during The Battle of the Bulge. He remained a POW until VE Day in May of 1945. Upon his release he sailed home on The Queen Mary.

Thank you to all The Texians. Thank you, J.V. and to all those who protect our freedom on a daily basis. Here’s a big 10 gallon Texas HAT’S OFF TO YOU!

Texas Flag @ Sunset (800x600)

Wednesday, March 1, 2017 – Let Me Ash You Something – Do You Observe Lent?

Wednesday, March 1, 2017 – Let Me Ash You Something – Do You Observe Lent?

If you answered with “the dryer lint?” then that is incorrect. So Lenten up.

Today is Ash Wednesday. If your faith is in one of those descended from the kneelers – Catholic, Anglican, Episcopal, Lutheran, Methodist – to name a few, then the observance of Lent is part of your upbringing. For observers it marks the beginning of the days leading to Easter Sunday. It is a time of reflection and prayer when observers remember the 40 days Jesus spent in the wilderness prior to His entry into Jerusalem on Palm Sunday.

It is called Ash Wednesday because at religious services one receives ashes on their forehead in the shape of a cross. It calls attention to one’s mortality. We are all just a bunch of God’s dust bunnies running around until He says “Come Home.”

The ashes actually come from burning the fronds from the previous year’s Palm Sunday. They do not come from the nuns and priests staying up all night smoking cigars and playing poker as my Louisiana relatives used to tell me.

It is a period of time when one sacrifices something they enjoy in an effort to make the world a better place. One may also choose to do something they have not done before. It is about the commitment to be a better person.

Ash Wednesday 2014 my Lenten commitment was to start this blog – Here’s What I’m Thinking. In spite of the entries you might read, it began as and continues to be a spiritual endeavor. I committed to write something each day of the week to try to make at least one person laugh and/or think.

Palo Duro Canyon Trip 4.15 2015-04-19 050 (800x600)

Palo Duro Canyon 2015 – Photo by me.

Since that time my Lenten commitment is always to recommit to HWIT with the caveat to get better and get more followers. In addition this year I am giving up some time in my day. I was going to give up being sarcastic and to stop cussing, but that would only make me a damn mute.

Instead I decided to say the Rosary once a day. I wonder where my beads are? Tony, Tony, please come round. – Catholic thing.

Here’s what I’m thinking – If Jesus can spend 40 days in the wilderness with no TV, no Pandora, no Internet, no Facebook, no Twitter, – just Him and Devil at every corner, then you can sacrifice or do something for 40 days.

What are you waiting for?

arizona-trip-070-800x600

Grand Canyon – 2008 – Photo by me.

Monday, February 27, 2017 – My Five Takes on the Oscars

Monday, February 27, 2017 – My Five Takes on the Oscars

First of all I did not watch the program. I read a book and then to sleep.

Buddy GlassesWhile I enjoy movies, I enjoy people running, jumping, throwing spherical objects through the air and/or into hoops more. I would rather spend money to see that event than go to a movie.

Second, I do not know the majority of the people at the ceremony. They all look the same to me – a beautiful head in a tuxedo or dress of sequins and satin. Or as they are thought of in some areas – Sin and Satan. Isn’t that special?

Third – I was hoping the protestors from the Dakota Pipeline would show up to pick up the winners’ awards – a flashback to Marlon Brando “It’s just business; nothing personal.”

Fourth – I wonder if Warren Beatty was looking at his sister saying “Can you channel me out of here to anyplace but here?” Faye Dunaway might be thinking “I am NOT Kellyanne Conway.”

Fifth – those who protested by not viewing the Oscar program. Of course, this is your constitutional right, but there is a missing adjective in The First Amendment under the “right of the people peaceably to assemble.” Sidebar to Sean Slicer: Note the correct grammar and placement of the infinitive. You have split your infinitive more times than Star Trek has with “to boldly go.”

But back to protesting. The missing adjective is “effective.” Protesting by not watching is a good statement of your beliefs. A more effective protest would be not going to the movies, not watching the movie on video, not streaming on Amazon or Hulu, no Netflix or not purchasing the video.

Why is this more effective than affective protest? And we are back to Oscar winners. From 1972 – Joel Grey. Liza (with a Z) Minelli. Cabaret. Song:

Money makes de vorld go around; de vorld go around. A mark, a yen a buck or a pound, it makes de vorld go round. Money. Money. Money. Money. Money     If you happen to be rich…

Here’s what I’m thinking: I wonder how many can tie this HWIT together?

 

Thursday, February 23, 2017 – Do You Believe in the Hereafter? Laugh-In. Sock It to Me!

Thursday, February 23, 2017 – Do You Believe in the Hereafter? Laugh-In. Sock It to Me!

This is for all of my Alpha Chi Omega sisters from Epsilon Eta – Stephen F. Austin State University in Nacogdoches, Texas 1969-1971. And to those GDIs who were harassed in Dorm 18 after curfew.

I hope you laughed as much as I did when this Laugh-In couple flashed across the TV screen the other night during NBC’s celebration of 95 years of TV broadcasting.

here-after-ruth-buzzy-and-artie-shaw-800x800

Artie Shaw: Do you believe in the hereafter?

Ruth Buzzy: Yes.

Artie Shaw: Then you know what I’m here after…

Sock it to me! Sock it to me ! Sock it to me!