Tuesday, November 21, 2017 – T’was Two Days Before Thanksgiving

Tuesday, November 21, 2017 – T’was Two Days Before Thanksgiving

T’was two days before Thanksgiving and all through the house not a creature was stirring except the turkeys and they were pretty damn scared.

Did you know male turkeys gobble and female turkeys click? Female turkeys make a clicking noise. “Turkeys are very social animals who spend their nights grouped in flocks and perched on tree branches to stay away from predators. In the morning, they let out a wake-up call – a series of soft yelps – to make certain their fellow turkeys in the roosting group made it safely through the nights. With all accounted for, they descend to begin their day.” Source: Extension Illinois.Edu

Here’s what I thinking. First, of all that description sounds like some of the Austin Aurora Deck parties, but no time for flashbacks today. Back to the turkeys.

What does is mean “with all accounted for?” Do they count? Branches check? Like a bed check? Perhaps they call roll. Tom? Tom, Jr? Butterball?

What do turkeys do when “they descend to begin their day?” Do they have jobs? Go to school?

What happens if their fellow turkeys do not make it safely through the night and are kinda lying lifeless below the roost? Do they sing “Poor Judd is dead” from Oklahoma? Maybe a chorus of Turkey in the Straw?

I hope these and other fascinating questions provide conversation starters for your Thanksgiving meal. Ya’ll be thankful, you Turkeys!

Family story; When the railroad was being built through Colfax, La, Uncle Clarence told the “minority group” working that turkey buzzards were good to eat.” The railroad lost almost 3 days of laying track due to sickness.

Monday, November 20, 2017 – Monday After College Football Awards Show

Monday, November 20, 2017 – Monday After College Football Awards Show

I must admit I did not watch a great deal of college football this weekend. But I did click around on some TV channels and tablet screens and of course have some comments. So Here’s what I’m Thinking.

Let’s start with the West Coast.

The Blue Field of Nightmares Award goes to Boise State. The uniforms were the same color as the blue football field. This is just wrong and should be banned by the NCAA because of possible seizure causings.

The Really Smart and Strange People Award goes to Cal and Stanford with the Cardinal (remember it’s a color, not a bird) winning 14 to 17. Is the Stanford Band still on probation?

The Last Minute Kick Award goes to the Washington Huskies defeating Utah 30 -33 as time expires. I like Utah because I like to use the quote from My Cousin Vinny regarding “the two yutes” or this case “the Utes.”

Moving to the Heartland we find…

The Pistol Pete Pooped Out Award goes to Oklahoma State for losing to Kansas State 40-45.

Our Anatomical Suggestive Bad Sportsmanship Award goes to quarterback Baker Mayfield of Oklahoma for suggesting that Kansas players perform an action unsuited for observation by the public.

Mayfield also receives the Do You Talk to Your Mother Like That? Award. I counted at least eight beeps. It probably will not hurt your Heisman chances, Baker, but you do not see Johnny Manziel or Jameis Winston in the Heisman Commercials. Stupid Heisman winners do not make the videos.

Moving South we find…

The Cakewalk Awards going to The Tide for demolishing Mercer 56-0 and to Auburn for similar scoring against UL Monroe 42-13 UL Monroe. At least we know where UL Monroe is located. Where the Hell is Mercer? Get ready for The Iron Bowl next Saturday. ROLL TIDE!

In anticipation of Thanksgiving game the LSU Tigers warmed up by beating Tennessee. That was some ugly colors on the TV. Faded is just a not a good color on anybody.

Big Solid’s Alma Mater, Mississippi State handled Arkansas quite well, but then again, who doesn’t?

The only game I actually watched was The Fighting Aggies and their Defense defeat Ole Miss. A Big Solid Award goes to the Aggie defense. A True Big Solid Award goes to the Aggies Derrick Tucker for intercepting a pass and returning it for a touchdown. WHOOP!

And now a song for Thanksgiving…

Over the river and the through the swamp to Baton Rouge we go; The Ags know the way; we just have to play; to get a win today! Hey!

Over the river and through bayous to Death Valley Stadium we go; We’ve been there before, but this time is different; This time we win on the road, Hey!

Over the river and down Highway 10; the Aggie bus rolls true; For tis Thanksgiving Day and we just had to say Beat the Hell Out of LSU!

November 18, 1999 – 2:42 AM

November 18, 1999 – 2:42 AM

  1. Here
  2. Here
  3. Here
  4. Here
  5. Here
  6. Here
  7. Here
  8. Here
  9. Here
  10. Here
  11. Here
  12. Here

It’s just another Corps Trip. We’ll march in behind The Band.

Thursday, November 16, 2017 – Snarky Football Thursday

Thursday, November 16, 2017 – Snarky Football Thursday

I know it is Thursday and the Football Snark appears on Friday. But I must leave the country tomorrow and go to Austin. I am not at liberty to tell you where I am going in the Still Land of the Weird, but there will be metal detectors, secret service, no purses or backpacks, no phones allowed, you may have nothing your hands and your car keys will be returned to you as you exit. If still interested, check out Bookpeople.com and Friday’s event.

So the Snark arrives early and let us see what is happening Saturday in college football? Are you kidding me? What idiots at ESPN, ABC, CBS and SEC are in charge of programming and scheduling? There are nine football games at 11:00 am. Ten, if you count Clemson and The Citadel at 11; 20. Eight of those 11:00 AM games are Top 25 Ranked teams. Who is in charge of this? The intern from the Community College? Someone who hates football?

Who at ESPN thought Oklahoma and Kansas in prime time at 2:30 would be worth watching? Were you looking at a basketball schedule?

I am happy that Texas A&M University and The University of Mississippi (Ole Miss) are schedule for 6:00 PM on ESPN2. Since the game will be played in Oxford, the Grove will be active all day with greetings of Howdy and Hotty Toddy as traditions for the visiting Aggie Former Students and the Ole Miss alums prepare as their teams play for pride; with glorious runs and plays, rousing cheers and bands of the grand times of glory playing with spirit until the victor leaves the field in honor and glory. (How was I doing? I was doing a Faulkner sentence.)

How about a little John Grisham? The contract lawyers at Texas A&M University and Florida State University poured over loop holes in their respective coaches’ contracts until the wee hours. The A&M Lawyers said “We must wait until the LSU game ends before we can make an offer to Jimbo Fisher.” The Florida State lawyer replied “Coach Fisher’s contract is valid until 2024 at $5.55 million per year. Is the university prepared to pay his buyout?” To be continued.

Meanwhile back in Oxford.

“Are You Ready?

Hell Yeah! Damn Right!

Hotty Toddy, Gosh Almighty,

Who The Hell Are We? Hey!

Flim Flam, Bim Bam

Ole Miss By Damn!”

Hotty Toddy, my butt!

BTHO Ole Miss!

Lay those pennies and Lawrence Sullivan”s feet for strength and good luck and Gig’Em Aggies!.

Wednesday, November 15, 2017 – The Literary Cat

Wednesday, November 15, 2017 – The Literary Cat

Peach here. Dr. Biped has gone to wherever Bipeds go when they leave. She will be so excited when she returns and see that I did HWIT for her today.

Like Dr. Biped I so do like me some Grit Lit. These are books about The South and grits are mentioned at least once in every chapter of a Grit Lit book. In addition to grits in almost every book about The South there are honest people, dishonest people, poor people, rich people, black people, white people, uneducated people, white trash people, black trash people, cotton, incest, adultery, crime, racism, white supremacy, bigotry, honkytonks, juke joints, rape, pillage plunder, populist crooked governments, religious zealots, crazy people, stealing, cheating, lying, and guns.

These are just a few of Dr. Biped’s favs of Grit Lit authors. You will need Google them to see what part of The South they wrote about.. I probably left out a few names, so Shelby Cat; feel free to scratch in some more names.

  • Tennessee Williams
  • William Faulkner
  • Erskine Caldwell
  • Walker Percy
  • Harper Lee
  • Lalita Tademy
  • Zora Neale Hurston
  • John Kennedy Toole
  • John M. Barry
  • Margaret Mitchell
  • Jill Conner Browne

Dr. Biped thinks things like, “Honey Chile, if ya’ll ain’t read any of these here books, then you don’t know grits from shit about the South.”

As soon as I post this to the internet I am going to starting writing a screen play. I am going to call it “Cat on a Warm Glass Sun Roof” by Peach. Maybe I should nap first.

Cat on a Warm Glass Sun Roof By Tennessee Peach Williams.

Tuesday, November 14, 2017 – Shopping for Jeans

Tuesday, November 14, 2017 – Shopping for Jeans

Right up there with root canals and hot water enemas, I enjoy shopping for clothes. I put off doing it until I am in great need of new garments and end up spending a big wad of money. I usually shop online, but I even put that off until the last moment this time.

I needed jeans – formerly known as blue jeans. My best pair was probably from George W’s first term. I also have a favorite, super soft pair of jeans that one can determine the color of my underwear now that the hole in the seat is bigger.

Remember when you went into a department store and said “I need a pair of jeans sized, 34 x 34”? Historical note to millennials – once upon a time there were stores with people who assisted you and said things like “May I help you find something?”

Today I was prepared. First I decided to shop at the local western store (plug for Cavender’s Boots) because it specializes in jeans and it was having a sale.

I walked in and a Tom Mix looking cowboy asked “Can I point you in the right direction for something?”

Me: “I need jeans, please.” We begin to walk toward walls, racks, and shelves of jeans.

Upon arrival I say “I want a true blue, size 14, 34 length, boot cut or straight leg, relax fit, true waist, minimal stretch, no skinny, and absolutely no sequins, rhinestones, fake jewels, or shiny designs that might glow in the dark on the back pockets.”

Cowboy Tom looks scared, began to perspire and says “Let me get one of the girls to help.”

Cowgirl Megan shows up and I am out of the store and On the Road Again (W. Nelson) in 15 minutes with two pair of jeans, four shirts and a belt. And a credit card charge to be paid off next month. But at least one cannot determine the color of my underwear.

Now I look something like in this picture except about 60 years older and without the orthopedic saddle oxford shoes.

Monday, November 13, 2017 – My Monday after Saturday College Football Awards

Monday, November 13, 2017 – My Monday after Saturday College Football Awards

Goodness Gracious! Great Balls of Fire! What a college football weekend. There were blowouts and nail biters. Let us begin.

Every team and its fan base get an extra-large Poopy Undies Trophy. Even if one of your alma maters wins with 50+ points because it was that kind of season.

The I’ll Have Another Bloody Mary Award goes to LSU who at the unreasonable hour of 11:00 AM defeated Arkansas. What ESPN programming executive put LSU and Arkansas at 11:00 AM? Dude (or Dudettte) have you ever been to Baton Rouge or Louisiana? Even my relatives had only had a couple of drinks by that time. Nevertheless, Mike the Tiger did fry up some bacon.

Oklahoma State in a rallying thriller from Ames, Iowa come back to win over Iowa State. The Cowboys win the Believer Receiver Award for the interception in the end zone in the closing seconds of regulation.

Shifting to the afternoon…

The Somebody Called PETA Award goes to Auburn for beating the former # 1 ranked Georgia Bulldogs 40-17. Poor UGA!

Bevo and THE University of Texas were victorious over Kansas. Does it really count if you beat Kansas in football?

Koach Kliff and the Tortilla Throwers beat Baylor. Does it count if it’s Baylor?

Texas and Baylor both receive The Terminator Award because both schools should say “I’ll Be Back!”

And to the evening games…

In the Catholics and Convicts Redux Bowl (Google it) Miami (The U) beat the Fighting Irish of Notre Dame. ND played like a team in the Nun’s Annual Sisters of the Poor Intermural Tournament. Therefore, the Irish win the Nun’s Annual Sisters of the Poor Intermural Tournament Trophy.

TCU receives The Endangered Frog Award. The OU Sooner Schooner left frog guts all along the Road to the Big 12 Championship game. Bedlam II in December???

In a thriller from Kyle Field Texas A&M defeated The University of New Mexico. FYI 55 to 14 is a thriller in Aggieland. Remember you must show up for the 4th Quarter. Remember UCLA?

Speaking of a true thrilling and exciting game we had the Alabama/Miss State. Both teams are awarded:

  • On The Edge of My Seat Award,
  • The Nail Biter Award,
  • Where Are My Salts? Award
  • The I Need Oxygen Award,
  • The I Bet BJ and J, Lisa and R and J and Big Sold Just Fainted Award
  • The Big Solid Cussing Award and
  • The I’m Exhausted Award.

 

Thank you both teams and schools for a thrilling show of SEC football. Please sign the soon to be released petition to change the name of The Iron Bowl Game to The QBs from Texas Game.

Turn in Friday as The Snark Returns and The Aggies Head to Oxford, Mississippi – Home of one of my literary heroes – William Cutbirth Faulkner.

This awards program was brought to you by The Volunteer, Twelfth Man, and Razorback Moving Company. Bon voyage to Butch at Tennessee, and soon to be part of the SEC Coaching Shakeups – Sumlin at TAMU and Bielema at Arkansas. Good luck to all of you. Sit down, Bus Driver, and drive the moving van.

Friday, November 10, 2017 – No Snark; Just A Thankful Salute to the Veterans.

Friday, November 10, 2017 – No Snark; Just A Thankful Salute to the Veterans.

From the Halls of Montezuma…

It is the opening line of The Marine’s Hymn. It comes from the Battle of Chapultepec during the United States Mexican War. As we Texans sometimes refer to it as “the war when the United States really got Texas.”

On September 13, 1847 in an effort to disrupt the Mexican Army, General Winfield Scott ordered his troops (the Marines) to storm the palace of the capital city of Mexico. The palace was called “The Halls of Montezuma.” After two days of battle, the Marines were given the honor to raise the Stars and Stripes declaring victory. The rest, as they say, is history. (History Nerd, Humor)

The most recent addition to Veterans Park in College Station is the sculpture of a Marine scaling the wall of The Halls of Montezuma. The work was done by the talented artist, J. Payne Lara of Navasota, Texas. The detail of his work is incredible. See the tear on the Marine’s left leg?

Today we thank every person who took the oath, wore the uniform and sacrificed for our freedoms.

So from The Halls of Montezuma to wherever you are today, we appreciate you, Veterans and the differences you make in making the world a free and safe place.

 

Wednesday, November 08, 2017 – On This Day in History

Wednesday, November 08, 2017 – On This Day in History

Good Morning, Class. Dr. Dimwit substituting in today’s history class. Today we will examine random, yet important events that occurred during world history. And of course – Here’s What I’m Thinking – about each event.

In 1519 1st meeting of Moctezuma II & Hernán Cortés in Tenochtitlan, Mexico/ Hmm. Well, that did not go well for the Aztecs.

1701 – William Penn presented a Charter of Privileges. I think this was to create a colony across The Pond called Pennsylvania. But it could have had something to do with oatmeal.

1731 – Ben Franklin opened the first library in North America. Here that, Librarians?

1789 Bourbon Whiskey 1st distilled from corn by Elijah Craig in Bourbon, Kentucky. Why is this not a National Holiday? Everyone should get a free pint of Kentucky bourbon today. Thank you Mr. Craig.

1837 Mount Holyoke Seminary in Mass-1st US College founded for women. Brave women. Thank you!

1917 People’s Commissars gives authority to Lenin, Trotsky & Stalin during October Revolution Well, this did not end well. Two’s company; three’s a crowd. Just ax Trotsky.

1923 Hitler stages unsuccessful “Beer Hall Putsch” in Munich. The world thought: No big deal. Crazy man with funny mustache.

1938 1st African American woman legislator, Crystal Bird Fauset of Philadelphia. I did not know this. Thank you.

1951 – Yogi Berra wins his first of three MVP Awards. Deja vu all over again.  Catcher rule!

1965 “Days of Our Lives” premieres on TV. Likes sands through the hourglass…

1979 ABC broadcasts “Iran Crisis: American Held Hostage” with Frank Reynolds (forerunner to “Nightline”). The first terror attack involving Americans. The world thought – an isolated incident.

1991 Carol Burnett Show premieres on CBS-TV. Let’s give a big Tarzan yell and remember our favorite skits of this funny ensemble of comedians.

2014 Mikhail Gorbachev warns that tensions between America and Russia over Ukraine have put the world on the brink of a new Cold War. And what does Ukraine have that Russia, the Soviet Union and Russia again have wanted since the early czars?

2016 Republican Donald Trump is elected President of The United States of America, defeating democrat Hillary Clinton despite Clinton receiving 2.9 million more votes. It has only been a year? I’m exhausted.

Today’s thought questions. 1. What does the Ukraine have that Russia, the Soviet Union and Russia again have wanted since the early czars? 2. How does Russia plan to obtain this historically desired portion of geography?

I’m not answering question one nor am I speculating on question two. But you can Crimea a river or warm water seaport if you know the answers. I’m going to watch Carol Burnette reruns.

8645 and Out! Class dismissed.

Monday, November 6, 2017 – The Missing Monday After Saturday College Football Awards

Monday, November 6, 2017 – The Missing Monday After Saturday College Football Awards

Full Moon, Time Change, Crazy People, Please Go Vote and pretend it is yesterday. Even though it is Tuesday, November 7.

Today’s program is sponsored by 12th Man Moving and a real estate agent in College Station, Texas.

The Fickle Finger of Football Fate Award goes to teams with State in their name. Oklahoma State, Ohio State, Penn State, NC State, Iowa State all lost. With the exceptions Mississippi State and Michigan State, it was a dismal weekend if State was in your name.

You also receive the Slip Sliding Away Award for sliding down the ranks bringing mid-level bowl offers.

The One in a Row Award goes to Baylor for its victory over Kansas in the Battle for Big 12 Conference Last Place. Kansas, I am giving you an Ugly Uniform Award. That was way too much bright red and bright blue. You looked like a United States map on election night.

THE University of Texas wins the Purple Reign Award losing to TCU.

Speaking of Purple Reign in Lubbock Texas Tech loses to Kansas State in OT.

The Tide rolled through LSU as they get ready for some big time football with Georgia and Auburn on the horizon. Love you, Jalen. Do you Bama Fans realize the Iron Bowl QBs are both from Texas?

And now good news and bad news from The Land of Perennial Football Disappointments, College Station, Texas.

First the bad news – The Texas Aggie football team still has three football games left to play. New Mexico, Ole Miss, and LSU. The Aggies must win one to become eligible for a bowl game no one has ever heard of nor cares about. HWIT, How about Texas A&M and Texas Tech in The Hot Seat Bowl sponsored by Mayflower Moving Company? Bret Bielema from Arkansas can call the game because he’ll probably be out of work too.

More bad news – Sumlin’s contract buy out is $10 million. I feel confident that a GoFundMe page will not be necessary. Pretty sure the big maroon checkbooks have already put the money in the bank.

Now the good news. The Texas A&M Women’s Soccer Team won the SEC Tournament.

Further good news; tip off for Texas Aggie Women’s Basketball was last night.