Friday, October 05, 2018 – The Friday Football Snark’s Schadenfreude

Friday, October 05, 2018 – The Friday Football Snark’s Schadenfreude

Let’s get this schadenfreude started with the word of the day!

Schadenfreude is a noun meaning satisfaction or pleasure felt at someone else’s misfortune. Let’s get the misfortune started early Saturday morning with:

Number 1 Alabama and number nothing Arkansas kickoff at 11:00 on ESPN. Tusk, the hog, will become Tusked, Miss Piggy by half time. The Tri Delt sorority flag football team will play the fourth quarter.

Also seeing lots of red on FOX it is the Red River Rivalry with #7 Oklahoma and # 19 THE University of Texas. “Murry, Murry, quite contrary, how many TDs will you throw?” Not happening, Sorry Horns.

Get the remote and set the screens for the 2:30 games. These are big ones.

Well, this one probably isn’t big to any groups save the fan bases. Baylor and Kansas State on FS1. Sic ‘Em Bears!

In a game of interest on ESPN it is #4 Clemson and number nothing Wake Forest. Wake Forest should pose no contest but you never know it could be Woke Forest.

On ESPN2 it is the number 25 Oklahoma State Cowboys and number nothing but always dangerous Iowa State. Mascots with names of dangerous weather patterns like cyclones or hurricanes should be banned. Also, Oklahoma State, please do not wear those ugly gray granny tights looking uniforms again. EVER!

But the biggest game of all is on CBS with #5 LSU and #22 Florida! GEAUX TIGERS! Mike the Tiger likes gator meat; tastes like chicken. I was taught early on to never pull for a team from Florida. The LSU/Florida would always be a three flasker for my uncles at the game. They would have a flask in each boot and one in each wives’ purse.

I made need the same number of flasks as Number 13 Kentucky and number nothing YET Texas A&M kick off on ESPN at 6:00. Big Blue Nation arrives in Kyle Field to meet Big Maroon 12th Man.

The University of Kentucky has three official mascots:

  • Blue — A live bobcat (note that in American English, “wildcat” generally refers to this particular mammal). He lives at the state-operated Salato Wildlife Education Center near Frankfort. Unlike the school’s two costumed mascots, he never attends games, because bobcats are very shy by nature and do not react well with large crowds.
    • If you were a wildcat living in Kentucky wouldn’t you be very shy with crowds too?
  • The Wildcat — A costumed student, he made his debut in the 1976–77 school year.
    • Anthropomorphic mascot. For the products of the Kentucky education systems it means “it ain’t real; it’s got on a costume; don’t shoot it.
  • Scratch — A later addition, he is a more child-friendly version of The Wildcat. Scratch wears his hat backwards, drinks Pepsi, and loves to party.
    • There is a child-friendly wildcat?

KU fans are not able to agree on the mascot’s name either. From the unimaginative and obvious fans the mascot is called “Wildcat.” From the Possible Pepsi sponsors the mascot is called “Scratch.” Why didn’t they go with Blue – the name of their live bobcat? Sorry, I forgot. It’s Kentucky. You may be ranked number 13, but the Aggies will always be ahead of you with 12th Man.

I would be remiss if I did not include The Battle of the Piney Woods between two of my sheepskin document deliverers- Stephen F. Austin and Sam Houston State. Holding degrees from both institutions, I really have no preference as to the victor. Both schools sit “’neath Texas pines, where we’ve found peaceful shrines and every month is May.” Guess I do have a preference. Ax ‘Em Jacks! ESPN3 at 1:00

BTHO Kentucky! WHOOP!

 

Tuesday, October 02, 2018 – Tuesday Thoughts and Three Things I Did Not Know

Tuesday, October 02, 2018 – Tuesday Thoughts and Three Things I Did Not Know

Here are three things I did not know.

I did not know I would need to consult the Urban Dictionary to define Devil’s Triangle and Boofing when learning about a Supreme Court nominee. I wonder if those terms will be in future history books. How does a history teacher deal with these type current events? Maybe Boofing could be taught in health class. I don’t know.

All of this written in the high school yearbook and told in college antics.

The worst I have in my high school yearbook is somebody wrote about a group of us wrapping somebody’s house in toilet paper one night on Halloween. FYI – My mother already knew about it and I was pretty sure I was grounded at the time and the yearbook reminder was not needed.

For all of my high school friends and all of my college friends – especially sorority sisters and fraternity friends – please know as far as I know any one of you can qualify for the Supreme Court.

Here is another thing I did not know.

Technology has just gone bat crap crazy. There are objects called Sex Robots. When I hear the term robot, I think of R2D2 or C3PEO or even the robot maid on The Jetson’s. A sex robot brothel is trying to locate in Houston. With Houston’s no zoning laws or ordinances it will probably be located in same block as an elementary school, massage parlor, gun store and a church. I am going to have to consult The Urban Dictionary again. There are so many things I did not know about this and quite frankly I do not want to know. I am pretty sure that no one who goes there or purchases a robot will run for public office or a hold high level decision-making position. But you never know. Frankly, I would rather have a robot maid.

Here is the last thing for today that I did not know.

If you eat a chocolate cupcake with blue icing, it will turn your poo poo green. Try it and see. Made you laugh, didn’t it?

Monday, October 1, 2018 – My Monday After College Football Awards – Week Five

Monday, October 1, 2018 – My Monday After College Football Awards – Week Five

Here we go.

Alabama 56 Louisiana 14 – I don’t know why Alabama calls its mascot The Crimson Tide. They should call it The Crimson Tsunami. Nevertheless the Cajuns could not get it raging against as the Tide rolled over them. I award Nick Saban and the team The Steam Roller Award.

West Virginia 42 Texas Tech 34 – The Almost Heaven; Burning Couches Award goes to the West Virginia Mountaineers. I so love it when Tech loses.

OU 66 Baylor 33 – The Award for Just Showing Up goes to Baylor. Obviously, Murry and the Sooners were not looking ahead.

Texas 19 K-State 14 – Really? A good away win, but it is still Kansas State. I award the Horns of THE University of Texas the Remember There Are Four Quarters to Play trophy. This will not hook em in Dallas next weekend.

Florida 13 Mississippi State 6 – Chomp! To the Bulldogs of State I give you The Calendar Award. Women’s basketball season starts soon.

LSU 45 Ole Miss 16 – I award the Tigers of LSU The Cake Award. That victory was a piece of cake. I would also like to award the Ole Miss Coach the Ugly Coaching Outfit Award. That large of a shade of red rain gear took up a large portion of my screen.

Notre Dame 38 Stanford 17 – The Not Close and No Cigar Award goes to Stanford. When did Notre Dame take mustard as one of its colors? What is the color of the ND called? Metallic Mustard? Those looked radioactive. Award to ND – Ugly Uniforms.

Ohio State 27 Penn State 26 – For the fans of Penn State, you not only receive The Poopy Undies Award, you also receive awards for

  • The release of several bodily fluids that accompany fits of anger and disbelief.
  • The fluid release of curse words streaming from your mouth fit to embarrass the 7th Fleet Navy Fleet
  • The Dreaded Threaded Incline Plane Award – Screwed.

Texas A&M 24 – Arkansas 17 – Also receiving multiple awards are The Aggies. First we have the Pig Sty Award. That performance looked awful. I don’t want to be singing “We are the same Aggies; the same Aggies are we.” I was not happy.

Also not happy – The Aggies receive the award for Unhappy In Your Face Coach. If Jimbo ain’t happy, then nobody is happy. I doubt Mr. Tyrel Dodson will ever make that mistake again. Note: #25 Tyrel Dodson said “I deserved it.”

https://youtu.be/th68HGl30CU 

Even Reveille was not happy. “I did not sign up to sit by the pig. He stinks. I want to go home.”

The final award goes to Arkansas for the inflatable mascot. Worst Representation of Something. That is just wrong. As if the hog head hat was not enough now there is a mascot with a turd tail.

 

Friday, September 28, 2018 – The Snark Arrives

Friday, September 28, 2018 – The Snark Arrives

Listening to Fleetwood Mac’s – Tusk (love the drums) and making my grocery list – pork sausage; bacon, ham, chitlins, ham hocks, pig’s ears; pig’s feet. I am making breakfast brunch for the 11:00 games. Note to invited guests, I am kidding about the pig’s ears and feet. Let’s see who is on TV at that time.

On the SEC Network at 11:00 we have the # 1 Alabama Crimson Tide vs Louisiana. I think that means the Rajun Cajuns, but it could refer to the entire state of Louisiana. Oh well, they will still lose to Bama.

In a clash of orange (add orange juice to grocery) with their ugly orange anthropomorphic mascots we have Syracuse and Clemson on ABC.

ON ESPN 2 we find WVU couch burning Hillbillies and Texas Tech, Masked and Guns Up (you need to change to your mascot) Red Raiders. You can heat the thrown tortillas on WVU’s burning sofas when they win.

At 2:30 on ABC we have the Baylor Bears versus the Oklahoma Sooners. Let us pray.

Opposite the Bears and Sooners we find THE University of Texas versus K-State on FS1. Please Horns, do not blow this and look ahead to the following weekend!

On ESPN at 5:00 it is the Gators (are the Gators?) of Florida versus the Mississippi State Bulldogs. You know I never yell for a team from Florida, but will always yell for maroon and white with dogs as mascots.

On the Notre Dame network, NBC, at 6:30 we find Stanford and Notre Dame. Come on Cardinal (You know the mascot is a color or tree or a colored tree?) but come on smarty pants. Surely you can come up with some fancy electronic gadget or doodad to block out Touchdown Jesus. After all, the mosaic is on the library.

The Penn State Nittany Lions and the Ohio State seeds or fruits or whatever a Buckeye is, kick off at 6:30 on ABC. Is that what that stupid patch is on Ohio State’s helmets? Seeds? What is Ohio State going to do when no one can read cursive any more?

I will, of course, will be watching Ole Miss and LSU at 8:00 on ESPN with great, yet bittersweet memories. I will looking for you, Cousin Penny. Read yesterday’s post.

That’s it. Ready to go to grocery store. Wait. Seems as though I forgot one of my favorite teams. Well WHOOP! Texas A&M versus Arkansas plays at 11:00 am on ESPN in the neutral site of Dallas. Note to Razorbacks, there are no neutral sites when it comes to Aggies. We are everywhere.

I am sure the Razorbacks will bring their mascot. I believe the hog’s is Tusk. Why don’t you ask him if he’s going away? Just say that you want me. That’s right, Tusk, the Aggies want you!

Don’t forget champagne for mimosas and BTHO ARKANSAS!

Why don’t you ask him if he’s going to stay?
Why don’t you ask him if he’s going away?
Why don’t you tell me what’s going on?
Why don’t you tell me who’s on the phone?

Why don’t you ask him what’s going on?
Why don’t you ask him who’s the latest on his throne?
Don’t say…

Why don’t you ask him what’s going on?
Why don’t you ask him who’s the latest on his throne?
Don’t say that you love me!
Just tell me that you want me!

Tusk!
Just say that you want me
Just tell me that you

Tusk!
Tusk!
Tusk!

Thursday, September 27, 2018 – The Halloween Game 7-3

Thursday, September 27, 2018 – The Halloween Game 7-3

If you are from Louisiana and follow LSU, when you hear “the Halloween Game.”you immediately think of Ole Miss, Billy Cannon and the run.

https://youtu.be/GIHdlAg4Uic

Billy Cannon about to sign my LSU shirt.

My LSU commemorative T-Shirt signed by Heisman Trophy winner, Billy Cannon and his blocking back at LSU – Cousin Donnie Daye.

This year when LSU and Ole Miss meet on Saturday, the statue of Billy Cannon will be unveiled. Billy Cannon’s request was “there will be no statue of me without the mention of the Tiger Football Team.” I understand there is a plaque with the names of all of the players on the team.  Players and those representing team members no longer here will be present for the unveiling.

Cousin Donnie Daye and wife Penny with Donnie’s trophies. I know you will be looking down, Donnie.

Representing my family is Cousin Penny Daye, Donnie’s widow. She will wear one of Donnie’s jersey’s.

 

LSU band remembering Donnie. 2016 (I think)

GEAUX TIGERS! RIP Billy. Donnie already paved the way for you.

 

Wednesday, September 26, 2018 – The Sinus Family

Wednesday, September 26, 2018 – The Sinus Family

As the old blue grass gospel song says “Everybody wants to go to Heaven, but nobody wants to die.” I do hope I get to Heaven. I work at it.

I am keeping a list of questions I would like to discuss with God when I get there. For example, is Bigfoot real or are You just messing with us? Or how about – Who really killed Jon Benet Ramsey and all the other people who are dead and nobody was held accountable? Today’s question might be – why do we humans have sinuses?

My Sinus Family heard the weatherperson just say “ragweed” on the report last night. They were so excited they immediately went into a congestion formation. The Nose Itchers launched immediately and fled into the nasal passage. The Eye Waterers filled the optic passages and turned the white of my eyes into red lines as if on a map. The Drainage Wenches are in a tickling match at the back of my throat. Of course The Congestion Queens just sat there, clogging up my sinuses passages. All of these members of the Sinus Family work to make me sleepy.

Awesome, it is now raining. Here come the Mold Mavens! I so wish I had invested in Clariton. And tissues.

Tuesday, September 25, 2018 –But Auntie Delia. But Auntie Mame!

Get that Halloween stuff off of the shelves. Forget the turkey and fall stuff. Christmas Day is three months away! Let’s ensure we make Christmas as commercial as possible. I hope I hear my first carol next week that mentions snow when it is still 95 degrees in Texas. And I really hope it is one of the obnoxious ones that gives you music earworms and you cannot identify or forget. Maybe it will be those damn chipmunks.

I keep a tree up year round. Not a live one. This was my John Wayne tree from several years ago.

Then there was the Patsy Cline Shrine Tree.

This year I have had Dale’s last Christmas tree up since last Christmas. It gives a beautiful white light in the corner. It is near the refrigerator and the candy dish within easy reach for her. And yes, that is an Aggie maroon and white tree on top of the refrigerator.

I cannot believe another Christmas is three months from today.

For I’ve grown a little leaner,

Grown a little colder,

Grown a little sadder,

Grown a little older,

And I need a little angel

Sitting on my shoulder.

https://youtu.be/X6OJYTv4ipM

You sang along, didn’t you? Don’t tell me you didn’t. Have a Gleeful day.

Monday, September 24, 2018 – My Monday After College Football Awards

Monday, September 24, 2018 – My Monday After College Football Awards

Let’s step right in it and award the Sooners of OU a big Poopy Undies Award. This is for Army taking the Sooners to OT before falling 21-28.

Before we leave Games of Toilet (the original Game of Thrones) the Dismal Pepto Bismal Trophies go to:

  • Mississippi State as the Kentucky Wildcats upset the Bulldogs 28 to 7.
  • Virginia Tech as the Old Dominion Monarchs score an upset for the ages with a 49 -13 victory. Go Butterflies!
  • The Oklahoma State Cowboys got thrown by Texas Tech OSU 17 Tech 41. Barf!

    Photo by Kristen

    Oklahoma State gets The Band Award because that was really the band in those ugly gray football uniforms.

  • The Smarty Pants Award goes to Stanford who rose from the stacks of the library and come from behind to defeat the Ducks of Oregon 38 to 31. What color/shade of green is that Oregon? Nike should be boycotted for creating that color. Chartreuse? Puke?

Photo by Jill.

The Coming Round the Mountain Award goes to THE University of Texas. The Longhorns looked legitimate against the Horned Frogs of TCU with a 31-16 victory. Don’t use all of your electricity lighting the Tower. There is still a road of screaming red ass rednecks ahead of you in Dallas and Lubbock in October and November.

Congrats to Baylor for their victory over Kansas. The Bears, however, receive The Condolences Award because they have to play a pissed off OU team in Norman on ABC on Saturday. Watch those Army/OU films. Better yet, get the Army from down the road at Fort Hood to play and ensure your basketball tickets are renewed.

To my Tigers of LSU I give you the I Knew You Could Do It Award for your victory over LA Tech 38-21. I also give you It’s a Special Week for Tiger Football Award. There will be more about this topic during the week.

The Put a Sock in Your Mouth Award goes to Gary Danielson who was one of the talking heads in the announcers’ booth for Alabama and Texas A&M. Did Coach Saban or Coach Fisher ask what plays you would have run? You seemed to second guess both of them on almost every play. Does anyone really care what you would have done if you ran the ball, passed the ball, or caught the ball? Beth Mowens calls a better game than you do, Gary, and she never wore a jock strap.

Moving to the Alabama Texas A&M game. The score was Texas A&M and Alabama 45. You know the Aggies never lose. They just run out of time. Therefore, I am awarding The Fighting Texas Aggies a Two Year Hourglass Award. Two years from now in Tuscaloosa. We shall return.

The Aggies also receive The Roman Candle Award because there were some very nice sparks on defense and offense. It was Bama’s closest margin of victory to date. Even though Aggie QB Kellen Mond receives the Does My Butt Look Good on the Ground Award, he also receives the I Ran for Almost 100 Yards Trophy.

To Alabama and Coach Saban I award The Run and Hide Award. When they say ROLL TIDE, it means every team needs to run and hide.

Alabama also receives The Mrs. Lathram Benefactor Award. They are just that good. Let’s see how long it takes you to figure that one out. Ha!

 

Saturday, September 22, 2018 – Mea Culpa; Mea Culpa Mea Maxi Mea Culpa

Saturday, September 22, 2018 – Mea Culpa; Mea Culpa; Mea Maxi Me Culpa

I apologize for not mentioning two of my favorite teams yesterday. I am going to blame it on my two and half hour wait with the unwashed masses at the DMV waiting to get my drivers’ license replaced.

Here’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

I wanted to look natural for my photo so I went directly from the gym wearing my gym clothes and the gray T-shirt I slept in the night before. Thank you, BA, for a hard workout to make me hot and sweaty when I arrived at the building. Even though I cooled off waiting for two hours, sweaty hat head provided a great hair do for the pic. I can’t wait to see it.

Upon arrival, I pulled my number from the kiosk. It was S3070. I looked at the board where the numbers to be called are displayed. They were on S3025.

Alas, it was my turn. I truly empathize with the people who do this.

Underpaid state employee: Do you have something with your photo on it?

Me: No. That is my TDL and that is why I am here. To get it replaced.

Underpaid: Your passport?

Me: No. In the box at the bank.

So I just gave her my wallet and said “What’s in my wallet?”

Underpaid: Here is your Medicare card. That will work.

Me: Big Sigh. So I gave my thumbprints, signed my name on an electronic box and had my photo made. Did I mention I have sty on my right eye? I cannot wait to see the photo.

My apologies to my fans in Louisiana and Mississippi for leaving you out on Snarky Friday. Here you go!

At 6:00 PM today on ESPNU the Tigers of LSU cupcake against the Bulldogs of LaTech. Tech XXII will be eaten by Mike VII as dessert. GEAUX Tigers!

ON ESPN2 Billy Bulldog

and the other Bulldogs of Mississippi State go up against the Wildcats of Kentucky. Bulldogs abound in the SEC, but the prettiest lady in football is Reveille.

LSU Tigers and State Bulldogs both know that LaTech and Kentucky are basketball schools so let’s hope you make them long for tip-offs with big wins.

I am going to watch Mississippi State in hopes for a linebacker interception for a TD so I can give a Big Solid Award on Monday.

BTHO ALABAMA and Kentucky and LaTech!

Friday, September 21, 2018 – Friday Football Snark

Friday, September 21, 2018 – Friday Football Snark

The Friday Football Snark is running way behind, but FFS does have a new TDL replacing the one l-0-s-t. It only took two and half hours.

Let us fall in with the Who Cares? Category

Tonight we have FAU and UCF on ESPN at 6:00. More schools from Florida.

At 8:00 on FS1 the alma mater of Lt. Colonel, Henry Blake, Illinois, plays Penn State. Henry taped the wrong ankle of the team’s running back. Pretty sure wrong or correct ankle tape will not help the Illini tonight.

No one worth watching at 11:00 Saturday morning. The teams I like begin at 2:30.

At 2:30 on FS1 we find Baylor and Kansas in what could prove to be a deluge of really wet water in Waco. But you know how those Baptists like to dunk.

Also falling into a possible deluge of really wet water further down I-35 THE University of Texas plays TCU in Austin. It could be a Frog strangler if you are not careful T. Kickoff is set for 3:30 on Fox.

On the CBS the game of the week is Number one ranked Alabama verses Number 22 and hopefully Aggie 2.0 version which means new and improved Texas A&M – also known as the Nick and Jimbo Show.

Getting Jimbo’s autograph. Hope it becomes more valuable that Johnny’s

I will construct my BTHO Bama shrine tonight. I have helmet with Johnny Manzeil’s autograph. I understand it could be worth $5.25 in Canadian money.

Currently the spread is 26.0. I think it will be a much closer game than that. Of course, I have thought that about the Aggies since 1980 when I first drank the maroon the Kool-Aid.

Both defenses are very religious. They are both very holy and could present some issues. What can and will Mr. Mond do with his feet?

Can you catch Trayveon?

The Aggies are coming and we’re bringing yardsticks with us to see how Jimbo and the team measure up. Start Rolling Tide. We are coming after you!

BTHO ALABAMA