Here's What I'm Thinking

Wednesday, April 12, 2023 – Wednesday Again? We Love You, Carol Burnett

I said I was going to post on Mondays and Fridays. But once again Wednesday slipped up so here we are again.

It is hard at times to write something positive. When there are daily shootings, crazy politicians, crazy people, hatred, and bigotry throughout the world, one just wants to become a hermit. A hermit with grocery and liquor store deliveries.

When I started this Here’s What I’m Thinking blog years ago, the intent was to make at least one person smile or laugh. As I said, with the world happenings, it is hard. Nevertheless, we must strive on and try to find humor.

So I turned to the funniest lady I have ever seen – the wonderful Carol Burnett. Next Wednesday there will be a 90^th birthday celebration for this wonderful comedian.

https://www.nbc.com/nbc-insider/nbc-carol-burnett-90th-birthday-special-what-to-know

If you have never seen the outtakes of The Elephant Story with the late Tim Conway, Carol Burnett, Vickie Lawrence and Dick Van Dyke, you must watch. Whether it is the first time you have seen it or the trazillionth like me, it is guaranteed to make you laugh. Great comedy. Great comedians. It is my go to video when I need a laugh until you cry.

Wednesday, April 5, 2023 – The Container Tale You’re In

NARRATOR: Whan that Aprill with his shoures sote
The droghte of Marche hath perced to the rote . . .

My apologies for the delay. I try to post something on Monday and Friday. I actually had something for Monday and then Tuesday but did not post. I was a little under the weather.

Sadly, I had an issue with my nether eh-ya region. What? Not familiar with the nether-eh-ya region? It is from The Miller’s Tale by Geoffrey Chaucer. As Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler says, “It is the dirtiest story, I know.” Just think if MAGAs could read Old English. Or any English for that matter.

But I did have to use the wonderful state benefits that I am so blessed to have and see a doctor.  Given the issue in the nether eh ya region, it was necessary to void into a container – a very small container – seemingly the size of a thimble. Days prior void could not be avoided. However, when it was necessary to void, there was no void. Nothing. Nada. Somehow, I had avoided the void.

Actually, there was a  void, but all the liquid flowed down my left hand trying to maneuver the container in my right hand of which no liquid went in. After that, there was nothing. I had to sit for 30 minutes and drink a bottle of water. After a successful flow followed by an intense hand washing, I left to pick up my antibiotic.  Thank you for science!

I am happy to say all is well in the nether eh-ya area as in The Miller’s Tale and as in The Container Tale You’re In.

Friday, March 31, 2023 – Snarky Friday Prelude

I am exhausted! I am certain you are exhausted too. After all, we have just finished a thirty-one day March.

Here’s What I’m thinking will be delayed until tomorrow or after I see what Kim Mulkey wears tonight. My apologies for incorrectly reading the women’s bracket and thinking LSU played Iowa tonight. The Tigers of LSU play Virginia Tech and Virginia Tech plays Metallica song “Enter Sandman” to celebrate their sports. The song is played at the beginning of each Hokies game, but at a recent event, the song was banned; that said, Hokies fans found an interesting and memorable workaround in regard to this ban.

Per USA Today, the song was banned because the NCAA wants to keep host sites part of tournaments “neutral”; this recent game took place at Virginia Tech’s Cassell Coliseum, and if the school were to play their hype song (“Enter Sandman”), they could be fined by the NCAA.

We shall see if Enter Sandman is played tonight in Dallas. Like I would recognize the song if Metallica was playing in my living room. WWKW? What will Kim Wear? See full snark later.

Meanwhile from Lose Your Scholarship news, or Moon over Texas or Aren’t the Parents Proud?. The individual who streaked WAS a member of the Cross Country team.

Friday, March 24, 2023 – Brackets and B Ball – No Place But Texas

This is the best March Madness ever and we are not quite half way through.

My men’s and women’s brackets busted before I could even get them off of the printer.  By Round Two it was all over, but the crying because double digit seated teams were beating the favorites. Teams that no one had ever heard of before were winning. Do not try to tell me that you had heard of Farleigh Dickenson! There were upsets every day and sometimes every game played on a single day was an upset.

Both men’s and women’s teams from Princeton made it to the NCAA tournament. The women’s team lost in the second round even though the team gave the Utah Utes (not to be confused with “the two Yutes from My Cousin Vinny.) a quality game. The Princeton’s men’s team plays tonight. I love to listen to the announcers when a Princeton team plays. For example:

Announcer discussing the opponent: They are a fifth year Senior, majoring in general studies, was a JuCo transfer and holds the school record for most points, rebounds and assists.

Announcer discussing Princeton players – They are a future Rhodes Scholar, majoring in international law, speaks six languages, and their hobby is programming and coding video games.

Note: Notice how I did that gender free?

Dribbling on. If you refer back to the first post of this HWIT, you will note my prediction that there will be no women’s team from Texas participating in Dallas. I noted that there was a Call for Volunteers to work the Women’s Final Four Tournament. Once there was a time…

On the men’s bracket, the only team from the SEC is Alabama and their controversy. If Texas Tech and Bama played Tech could do “Guns Up!” Seriously, you Techsters need to change that. Maybe “Tortilla Throw Now!” Also tonight, we have The University of Houston playing Miami and THE University of Texas playing Xavier. My two least favorite schools in the entire state. Have you noticed that all schools do a Horns Down sign now? If you, TU, had not made such a big deal out of the gesture, no one would have noticed. Heck, Princeton fans do it and do not have a clue.

Speaking of least favorite teams, Notre Dame and Louisville are still playing on the women’s bracket. Can any team, including D II and DIII men’s teams, stop South Carolina? The Gamecocks bench is better than most teams.

The best part of March Madness are the commercials. Like him or not, Charles Barkley is funny! I sure hope he got paid big bucks for doing Chuck and the Chuckettes. But he does look good in satin and sequins. And how clever is Chuck Stop. And of course, there is the national treasure, Willie Nelson on the road again, with  “B-Ball with my friends…”

Enough dribbling down the court. I hope your team wins.

Monday, March 20, 2023 – Twelve Angry Men or I Had Jury Duty

I was summoned for jury duty today. I know. I can age out of the responsibility, but I do not want to do so. It is one’s civic duty to be a part of the judicial process.

First of all, I have nothing better to do. Second of all, I get to wear something besides sweats, shorts or blue jeans and t-shirts. I must actually wear shoes and not tennis shoes or slides.

One is required to dress in dignified and appropriate attire. From the notice – “This includes, NO SHORTS, HATS OR REVEALING CLOTHING.” I have a court ensemble. It is the same as my funeral ensemble. I wear my RBG socks with black leather loafers, black pants with sharp leg creases and a must have, non-negotiable button down shirt. This tends to confuse the lawyers – it is difficult to determine if I would lean toward the state or toward the defense.

Third of all I enjoy going through voir dire. I enjoy being questioned by the attorneys. First question: Ms. Duffey? Response: Yes. It is Dr. Duffey.” This usually works to get me out and they really do not want to ask any questions, but they have to ask their question anyway.

Fourth of all, I doubt I shall be chosen. As noted, as soon as I put on the doctor hat, the attorneys lose interest. However, should another questions be asked, these two are usually the ones:

Dr. Duffey? What do you do?

Response: I am retired.

What did you retire from?

Response: The state of Texas.

And at this point I am usually done. Defense attorneys seldom like jurors whose retirement is the same as their opponent.

Dressing conservatively; using an academic title, and retiring from the state is usually all I need to be released from becoming a jury. I am way too educated and experienced to be a part of an accused “jury of their peers.”

Unless of course, the jury summons is for the Grand Jury. In that case what they attorney’s are looking for are people wearing blacked creased pants, with a button-down shirt, a post baccalaureate degrees and experience in a bureaucracy.

I showed up at the appointed hour, filled out my payment form, donating my $6.00 to some court charity, and from 8:15 am until 9:45, the prospective jurors sat in the hallway on very hard benches. At this time, we streamed into the courtroom, only to be relieved of duty as plea bargains were reached for all defendants.  So much for civic duty.

Friday, March 17, 2023 – Happy St. Gertrude’s Day and Happy St. Patrick’s Day

Dia dhaoibh a chaired – That phrase is Gaelic and translates to Hello Friends. There are about fifteen more Irish phrases that mean Hello Friends.

Today is for everyone who pretends they are Irish, thinks they are Irish (See Ancestry.com) and of course those who are actually Irish on this day.

 Most people celebrate by wearing green to celebrate St. Patrick. It is said to keep away the leprechauns and fairies who come out on this day. Did you know that the British once forbid the “wearing of the green,” and even hanged people if caught wearing the color in support of the Irish?  Now it symbolizes freedom. So St. Paddy’s day is a day of celebration of freedom and love.

March 17 is also the celebration of St. Gertrude. Often forgotten (like most women in history), Gertrude is the patron saint of cats. So when you tip your pint of Guinness today and eat your corn beef (Catholic Church said it is OK – such a progressive institution,) remember to toast to St. Gertrude. And most love all, love the furry creature who brings you joy and love.

Now I’m off for a traditional Irish meal – a potato and a six pack of Guinness. Éirinn go Brách, – Ireland Forever.

Monday, March 13, 2023 – The Time Change or How Do I Love Thee

The Time Change

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I love thee like a root canal with no anesthesia,

Or a flat tire on a Houston freeway during 5:00 PM rush hour, with no spare.

I love thee like a week-long blizzard in Texas in February with a failing energy grid,

Or a 24 hour stomach virus and running out of toilet paper.

I love thee to the depths and breaths of a Texas summer with no air conditioning.

I love thee like iambic pentameter and the onomatopoeia of screeching cats in heat next door.

Or miles and miles of road construction with stand still stops for no apparent reason.

How do I love the time change? Let me count more ways.

I love thee like a stopped up toilet on a Sunday morning of a holiday week end,

Or the morning sounds of waking up to gagging as my cat deposits a hairball in my bed near my head.

I love thee like a Category 5 Texas Gulf Coast hurricane,

Or unexpected hail storm in May when your car is in the parking lot,

I love thee like this is not only the last line of the sonnet, but the last time we change the time.

PS – I know it is Sunday. Just spring forward like we did yesterday.

Friday, March 10, 2023 – The Invasion of the Mob and Congregation or Home on the Deranged

Tie me kangaroo down, Sport,

Tie me kangaroo down,

Cause if the alligator don’t eat it,

It will jump the fence,

So tie me kangaroo down.

A group of kangaroos is a called a mob. A group of people who keep kangaroos are called crazy. Really? Who, and how, does one keep a kangaroo? Better question, why? From Texas Monthly Magazine…

“A neighborhood in the North Texas town of Prosper had an unusual visitor earlier this month: a male kangaroo named Jax escaped from a nearby backyard, where he had been raised as a pet. Jax’s owner had to coax him back home with a bottle of milk. Less than a week later, another pet kangaroo named Nigel escaped his backyard home in Granbury and went on the lam for two days before hopping home. These are just the latest in a slew of kangaroo escapes across the state over the last few years, including in Mercedes, San Marcos, and Lumberton.

All of which, honestly, raises the question: You can keep a kangaroo as a pet in Texas? And how many are there, anyway?

The answer is yes and, it turns out, quite a few. Texas is one of thirteen states that allow people to own kangaroos as an exotic pet, and the species is particularly popular here, in part due to the similarities between Texas’s environment and their hot, arid Australian home.” That means when it is hotter than the hinges of Hell in Texas, the kangaroos enjoy the weather. Just because can keep a Roo, doesn’t mean you should! I suppose a group of kangaroo escapes is called a slew. And why are you surprised when one jumps the fence and goes down to the gym to box and workout?

https://www.texasmonthly.com/travel/kangaroos-loose-in-texas/

Speaking of back yard exotic pets.

Texas Woman Raised an Alligator Pet. Texas Parks and Wildlife officials discovered a massive alligator outside a woman’s backyard Saturday. The officials said she had raised the gator from an egg she stole from the Animal World and Snake Farm Zoo in New Braunfels.

7-Foot Alligator Raised as Pet by a Texas Woman for Over 20 Years

A group of alligators is called a congregation. An individual who keeps alligators is called deranged – as in Home, Home on the Deranged, where the alligators and kangaroos live.

So kangaroos in the back yard are ok, but alligators in the back yard are not, especially large ones. I did not see a name for alligator, so let’s just call it Captain Crunch. If you read the article, it costs about $150 per month to feed an alligator, including whole chickens weekly. So Alligator Mama had the old dinosaur for 20 years. Do the math!

Here is what I’m Thinking. Is this an effort to meet like-minded people? Would you like to come jump around in my back yard with my pet kangaroo? Can the Roo be trained to bring beverages on the patio? Or perhaps, you would like to see the alligator I raised from the egg that I stole? Don’t get too close.

So should you see a galloping kangaroo hopping around, you can bring it home and put it your backyard. After that, you are on your own.

Should you see a galloping alligator, RUN! Do I really need to tell you this?

So see you later alligator, after while crocodile. Don’t forget to tie your kangaroo down, Sport.

Monday, March 6, 2023 –  What’s the News Across the Nation?

Sing along ‘What’s the News Across the Nation? We have got the information; Laugh-In Looks at the news?”

Rowan and Martin’s Laugh-In was so ahead of its time. Sock It to Me, Baby?

In today’s news. March 6. On this day in history the Alamo fell to Santa Anna’s forces. Remember? It would only get worse for the Texians (that was how it was spelled back then) as the Mexican Army went to Goliad, killed everybody. Whoever had wheels and/or feet hauled ass in what Texans refer to as The Run Away Scrape. It was a group of refugees fleeing the Mexican Army, headed to the Sabine River. If Santa Anna had not taken so many naps, we might be speaking Spanish.

Yesterday in history, March 5, 1963 marked the anniversary of one of the greatest voices of all time – Virginia Patterson Hensley better known as Patsy Cline. So very young.

Enough about history, let’s turn to today’s happenings. Fasten your seat belts; it’s going to be a bumpy ride. I am referring to the TE of A, Texas Education Agency planning to take over the Houston (BY-GOD!) Independent School District. I am confident that I could go to law school and still regroup the financial investment with the potential lawsuits stemming from this.

Why does TEA take over a school district? It usually involves numbers. Financial numbers are being altered. Test scores numbers are being altered. Reports involving numbers are being altered, board meetings are being altered and then lying about all of the above. Houston newspapers and links’ read “HISD Braces for TEA Take-Over” and “Parents Protest Potential TEA Takeover.” This sounds as though the district is preparing for battle.

Here is why Texas Education Agency officials have recommended that a state-appointed governing team replace Houston ISD’s locally elected school board after a six-month investigation found several instances of alleged misconduct by some trustees, including violations of the Texas Open Meetings Act, inappropriate influencing of vendor contracts and making false statements to investigators.

Here’s What I’m Thinking. I am thinking that I am so glad that Joan and Richard and I no longer work for the TEA. Facing the Texas Legislature ain’t nothing compared to a bunch of pissed off, angry and uniformed parents with signs.  

Stay tuned.

My apologies for such a late posting. I am practicing for the dreaded time change next week when I have no idea what time it is.