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Monday, November 9, 2020 – It’s the Monday After College Football Awards

Monday, November 9, 2020 – It’s the Monday After College Football Awards

First, let me apologize for no Snarky Friday. Like many, I was strung out, stressed and worthless due to the long OT of the election. Now it is time to heal and remember that we are all Americans. “The needs of the many out way the needs of the few,” so says Spock.

Now to the awards ceremony.

COVID 2 – Purdue and Wisconsin – 0

From the Big 12…

Let’s just give the entire Conference The Lantern Award because ain’t nobody shining bright from this group.

Baylor 31 – Iowa State 38 – To Baylor I award the Annie Award because it’s a hard knock life. Here, have a cigar for being close.

THE University of Texas 17 University of West Virgina 13 – I am giving THE University a Celebrate Whatever You Can Award with your self-named “defensive victory” for holding West Virginia to 13 points and your rise in the AP Poll from 22 to 21.

Liberty 38 Virginia Tech 35 – The Hokies (whatever that is) receive the Miss Stakes Award for screwing up and giving the Freezing Liberty Pool Boys the victory. Actually, the Liberty mascot is “The Flame.” I’ll save that one to see in which bowl game Liberty plays.

Florida 44 Georgia 28 -The Gators receive the William T. Sherman Award because they chomped and marched through Georgia like a tank convoy. Georgia falls to AP Number 12.

Houston 10 Cincinnati 38 – I award Cincy the WKRP Award. Remind me again, where did you come from? Have not seen you around until recently.

Mississippi State 24 Vanderbilt 17 – To Mississippi State I award the Margin Award for only being marginally better than Vanderbilt. To Mississippi State Coach, Mike Leach, I award the Meaningless and Fabled Metaphor Award for saying about this the State Team:

“The chicken is involved but the pig is committed.”  

Do you say that to Arkansas and South Carolina, Mike? That is a picture from 2019, from Washington State, but it really works for the Mississippi State Season.

Texas A&M 48 South Carolina 3 – It is a good Mond morning. I award the Aggies the WHO Award, as in “Who Are You? I really want to know.” I also award the Aggies with a High FIVE Award as in Number Five in the AP Poll.

To South Carolina I award the Sanderson Chicken Farm and Processing Plant Award. Please note that I am calling PETA to get that screaming chicken to shut up. And don’t be bringing that bird to Kyle Field!

And in the big game of Clemson 40 and Notre Dame 47 in Double OT – I award The Alabama Crimson Tide First Place in the AP and they didn’t have to play a down.

Of course, fans of Clemson and ND receive a Poopy Undies Award for double Overtime. And while we are down there, I award the University of Notre Dame the Asparagus Pee Colored Helmet Award! I hope the TIDE washes that away.

November 11th is Veterans Day. Honor and thank them for our freedom.

Monday, November 2, 2020 – What Time Is It?

Goodness, I detest the time change.  So I am probably an hour late with My Monday After College Football Awards

Let’s have the Big 12 Conference step up. No, seriously, you need to step up if you plan to be a Power Five Conference.

TCU 33 Baylor 23 – To Baylor I am awarding the When Does Women’s Basketball Season Start?

K-State 10 West Virginia 37 – Even though you lost K-State, I am awarding the Best Use of Football Field Color That Is Not Green to you and to TCU. And maybe the SFA Lumberjacks.

Texas 41 Oklahoma State 34 OT – Best Use of Halloween Colors to both teams; To THE University of Texas I give the WIIOTA Award (Win It In Overtime Time Again). But I still think the Texas Exes are restless.

To Oklahoma State – I am awarding the Adele Award (You Coulda Had It All!) and the John Heisman Award. No, that Heisman, but not that Heisman Award. This one: “Gentlemen, it is better to have died as a small boy than to fumble this football.” John Heisman

Georgia 14 KY 3 – Georgia wins the Peggy Lee Award for Is That All There Is?

LSU 11 Auburn 48 – To the LSU Tigers I award the Eagles’ Desperado Award why don’t you come to your senses?

Mississippi State 0 and Alabama 41 – I award Pirate Mike Leach of Mississippi State the FINS Award. “Can’t you see them circling, honey; Can’t you feel them swimming around; You got fins to the left; fins to the right and you’re the only bait in town.” Thank you, Mr. J. Buffet.

Missouri 17 Florida 41. The Saturday Afternoon Fights Award.

Florida wins the brawl, but the SEC fines Florida Coach Dan Mullens $25,000 for violating Rule 9.5.1.b – Fighting = Suspension. Georgia wins the half-game suspension for two Florida players.  Mullens should be suspended too!

And now my comments to the Top 10 according to the AP Poll

  1. Clemson – Ricky Riccardo – “Lucy? You got some splaining to do.” How does the opponent score 28 points when it is the Clemson QB that is COVID out?
  2. Alabama – Receives the Rough and Rowdy Haines Award – Rolling, Rolling Rolling; Keep the TIDE a rollin, Roll ON!
  3. Ohio State – No award for only playing a few games. Here is a I Participated Certificate.
  4. Notre Dame – FOUR! As in golf. Why are you fourth? You have played Duke, South Florida, and Georgia Tech?  Perhaps because your next games are Clemson, Boston College (The Battle of the Catholics), North Carolina, Syracuse and Wake Forest.
  5. Georgia – You better get it together Between the Hedges the Gators are coming.
  6. Cincinnati – You get a first Welcome Wagon Award. Nice helmets. Who are you, by the way?
  7. Texas A&M – The dark horse is wearing maroon.
  8. Florida – Winner of brawls and suspensions.
  9. BYU – As they say, “Once in a blue moon.
  10. Wisconsin – I thought you were still in quarantine.

If you have not already vote, please ensure that you do. Stay Safe!

Friday, October 30, 2020 – Spooky Snarky Friday

Friday, October 30, 2020 – Spooky Snarky Friday

It promises to be an Edward Bulwer-Lytton weekend – aka – It was a dark and stormy night.  Mr.Bulwer- Lytton was the first to use the cliché. Of course, it was not a cliché in 1830.

Nevertheless, we have a full moon, which is also a Blue Moon, Halloween, followed by the dreaded Fall Back time change and then the election of a lifetime.

Fasten your seat belts, it’s going to be a bumpy ride. Thank you, Ms. Bette Davis.

Moving downfield toward football. First, we have the COVID victories

Trevor Lawrence of Clemson

Wisconsin and Nebraska game canceled.

But for teams I like and teams that play teams I like we have some potentially good games .

Kicking off Saturday will be Georgia and Kentucky on the SEC Network @ 11:00 – Sorry, no Blue Moon of Kentucky for you, Wildcats.

I don’t know, nor do I care who else is playing in the 11:00 time slot. I am going to the grocery and liquor store to get my Election Night supplies.

But at 2:30 we have LSU and Auburn on CBS. – Can the Auburn “magic” repeat? Or have the referees actually read a rule book and/or got their vision checked at their local optometrist?

These are the teams whose fans must endure or mute Gary Danielson who will be talking throughout the game.

My and obviously others’ impression of Gary.

1. “The left guard really opened the play for the running back who just gained 52 yards.  It reminds me of Joe Nobody Remembers in the 1998 Rose Bowl Game…”

2. Texas A&M and others – “Yes, it was a 98-yard kick-off return for the Aggies, but the opposing defense never gave up on chasing him. Reminds me of the 2000 Cotton Bowl…”

3. “The running back went to the right. I don’t know what kind of play call that was. I certainly would not have called a play like that…”

I am not the only one. Apparently, CBS has been inundated with requests to remove the biased, rambling commentator, with apparently a large contingency coming from the SEC. But good news is that after this year, CBS will no longer hold a broadcasting contract with the SEC. The rest of you conferences are on your own.

Upon my return from the grocery store, I shall watch TCU and Baylor at 2:30 on ESPN2. This is a much bigger rivalry than one thinks.

Ole Miss and Vanderbilt on the SEC at 3:00 – Kiffie takes out his and the Rebels frustrations on Vanderbilt.

At 3:00 on FOX we have what promises to be an exciting game between Texas University and Oklahoma State University. It will be the last opportunity for THE University of Texas to save some element of face.

Oklahoma at Texas Tech 7:00 on Fox – Given the way each team has played, this could be a toss-up.

We have Mississippi State versus Alabama at 6:00 on ESPN – Oh, Pirate Mike? Is this your first game against St. Nick? You are going to need more than one play. If any team knows how to defend a Run and Shoot, it is Alabama. Once again, have you thought of using The Wishbone? It is not just a series from the 1990’s about a dog.

And opposite the Tide Rolling over State, there is Arkansas versus Texas A&M at 6:30 on the SEC Network. This is always a thrilling game – even when Arkansas was bad, games resulted in Overtimes.  Thus, this is going to be dependent on which teams show up to play.  Did I mention it is Halloween during a Blue Moon? If the Aggies are “For Real” now will be the time to show it. But the game is in Spooky Kyle Field with an extremely high decibel level. 

BTHO Arkansas!

Stay safe. Wear your mask. And VOTE!

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Tuesday, October 27, 2020 – One Week From Today!

Monday, October 26, 2020 – Dreary Awards

Monday, October 26, 2020 – Dreary Awards

Once upon a season dreary

While we pondered weak and weary…

I am giving the entire Big 12 the Poe Award. Not for Edgar Allan Poe, but because they all looked poe (poor)

Baylor 16 Texas 27

K-State 55 Kansas 14

OU 33 TCU 14

Iowa State 21 OSU 24 – I do award Oklahoma State Best Uniforms. Of course any thing would look good against Iowa State uniforms.

West Virginia 27 TT 34

With the return of the Big 10 we have Back Home Again, in Indiana – Penn State 35 Indiana 36 –– Indiana wins The Pylon Award for just barely hitting the pylon on the goal line to win in overtime on a controversial call. Penn State, however, does win the Ugly Uniforms – always a perennial favorite.

Speaking of perennial and controversial calls… Auburn once again wins on a controversial call late in 4th Quarter AGAIN! How many is this? Once is an observation. Twice is a coincidence. Three times is a science. Auburn wins a Hank Williams Award for Your Cheating Heart. And the referring crew wins the Helen Keller Stevie Wonder Award. Auburn 35 Ole Miss 28

The Dr. Sheldon Cooper Award goes to CBS Booth Mouth Gary Danielson for an being obnoxious know it all. CBS? Please get rid of him.

Cincinnati wins the Three Amigos Injury Award for all being injured on the same play. Cincinnati SMU.

SFA and Abilene Christian – Shirts Off Award goes to the Stephen F. Austin coach and the Lumberjacks for winning in OT.

http://www.espn.com/video/clip?id=30183881

Sadly, the last award for this week is the Pyrrhus of Egypt Award from which we get the term “Pyrrhic victory.” It refers to a success that is gained at such a high price that victory is costly. On the opening kickoff.  Alabama lost their wide receiver Jaylen Waddle with an ankle injury. Alabama 48 Tennessee 17

Do you realize that there is a full moon, which is a blue moon, that falls on Halloween, followed by the time change and followed by one of the biggest presidential elections in your lifetime? And they all occur within four days of each other? Quote the Raven “Nevermore.”

Stay safe. Wear your mask. And be sure to vote.

Friday, October 23, 2020 – Snarky Friday

Friday, October 23, 2020 – Snarky Friday

It was a dark and stormy night. Actually, it is a dark and stormy afternoon. But the thunderstorms promise to bring perfect football weather for the weekend this evening and tomorrow.

Let’s see who is playing and who gets a Snark. At 2:30 we find the Baylor Bears playing against THE University of Texas in DKR-Memorial Stadium in Austin. You can see it on ESPN.

The bigger question for this game is “Will the Longhorn Band play ‘The Eyes of Texas’?” Band members, including the drum major, are upset that the school song has racist roots and was played at minstrel shows until the 1960’s.  Excuse me, young ones. THE University is known for its great protests, but your attempt at revisionist history is not one of them. If you do not like the school’s song, then do not attend that school. And certainly do not aspire to be in the band if you are not going to play the song.  Besides it ain’t Dixie and it ain’t The Battle Hymn of the Republic as in “Glory, glory to old Georgia”; If I recall the last line of that was once “The South shall rise again.”

You cannot change what is past. So either play the damn song or get out of the band.

Elsewhere in the BIG 12 (as if we care) on FS1 we have Kansas and Kansas State, OU and TCU at 11:00 on ABC, Iowa State and Oklahoma State on Fox at 2:30 and WVa and Tortilla Tech on ESPN@ at 4:30.

Since few of those games look appealing, one can turn to Auburn and Ole Miss on the SEC network at 11:00. Talk about some racist roots school songs.

Poor Alabama and Tennessee. At 2:30 on CBS we must either endure or mute Gary Danielson – the Biased Booth Mouth. Perhaps the TIDE will roll over him or maybe a Volunteer will offer their analysis saving us from Gary just being anal.

South Carolina and LSU kickoff on ESPN at 6:00. Tigers might appear sloppy again.  At least the screeching chicken will not be there.

Of course this is the week the teams from the Big 10 show up wanting to play. HWIT. Wow. This 2020 season is going to have many many asterisks. Three asterisks in a row is call a dinkus and can be used to censor an expletive. So what do I think about the Big 10 Conference schools showing up at mid-point? F***! Dinkus

Wear your mask. Be sure you vote. And the Aggies will be back next week to BTHO Arkansas!

Monday, October 19, 2020 – My Monday After College Football Awards

Monday, October 19, 2020 – My Monday After College Football Awards

Let’s kickoff the awards show with Tennessee. I give the Volunteers the Beach Shoe Award for Kentucky being a Flip and Tennessee being a Flop. Glad that I am not on Rocky Flop. Kentucky 34 – Tennessee 7

A Poopy Undies Award goes to the Auburn and South Carolina Fans – even the cardboard ones. South Carolina Gamecocks receive The Historical Award for their first victory over Auburn since 1933 (Yes, 1933, Herbert Hoover was the President.)

Auburn receives The Controversy Award once again this week for ending the game in a controversial, under review regarding intentional grounding and an complete or incomplete pass. Here, Auburn, take the Look at the Rule Book Trophy too. Auburn 22 and South Carolina 30.

One other award for South Carolina – It is the Shut That Damn Screeching Bird Up! It sounds as though alley cats are in heat.

To the Arkansas Razorbacks I give the Etta James Award for At Last, a victory. It’s time to put those red, plastic pig snout hats on and call the Hogs. Hogs 33 – Ole Miss 21. Get your Halloween on, Hogs and the Aggies will see you in Kyle Field.

Texas A&M and Mississippi State. Both teams receive a PETA Award for the animal rights activist being escorted off the field by the Mississippi State Police before kickoff. I am not certain if the protest was against Reveille or Bully.

I would like to present Emmanuel Forbes of Mississippi State with The Big Solid Award for intercepting Kellen Mond on a freak deflection interception and returning it for a touchdown.  Google the play if you did not see it. The ball went 15 yards forward, bounced off of a player and went 15 yards backwards.

To the Texas A&M Aggies, I give the Box of Raisins Award. Just because you are 3-1 with no ranked teams left to play, do not get above your raisin and get overconfident.

To Mike Leach: OK -The score was Texas A&M 28 and 14. One defensive squirrely score and one offensive score late in the game. I told you it would come down to the faster, better hands and fewer penalties.  Even the mouths at the half-time shows are wondering if the one play of Everybody Run and Somebody Try to Catch the Ball offensive will work in the SEC.  I give Mike the Jack Sparrow Award and present him with a link to the wishbone offense.

Speaking of Mouths, once again Gary Danielson of CBS receives the PLEASE Do Not Speak Award! Let’s all contact CBS with criticism. When the Big Names in college football talk about His Awfulness, and his biased calls of games, I know it is not just me. Just Mute Gary!

To Georgia I give an award for It was Fun While It Lasted. Alabama receives the Rebound Award for returning after the half with a vengeance. Alabama/Georgia 41-24.

While there were many candidates for the Exploding Head Coach, with Jimbo and Muschamp always contenders, the award goes to Nick Saban. Glad you are OK Coach.

Wear your mask. Vote.

October 16, 2020 – Snarky Friday in Spite of COVID

October 16, 2020 – Snarky Friday in Spite of COVID

There are so many games postponed that Snark decided to postpone Snarky Friday until the afternoon.

Tonight we have SMU and Tulane on ESPN @ 5:00 followed by BYU and University of Houston. This is as of the afternoon. Go Ponies! Go Shasta!

For Saturday, who’s playing and who’s postponed?

First from the Big 12

Baylor and Oklahoma State game postponed.

Texas Tech, TCU, and Iowa State appear to be off this weekend. With OU and TU having a wound licking, defense hunting bye week, that leaves West Virginia and Kansas on Fox @ 11:00.

Maybe if there were actually 12 teams in the Big 12 there would be more games.

To the SEC

LSU and Florida postponed.

Vanderbilt and Missouri postponed.

But we do have I dream of Jeannie with the light brown air – aka Auburn – playing South Carolina at 11:00 on ESPN. I hope SC wears those black uniforms again. I hope Auburn misses the bus.

Or there is Kentucky and Tennessee at 11:00 on the SEC Network. Blue checkerboard squares versus faded orange checkerboard squares.

At 2:30 the Arkansas Razorbacks take on Kiffie and Old Miss on the SEC Network. Tusk? Watch for sign stealing; exploding Head Coach Kiffie, blind referees and please bring a substantial defense. Soooey Pigs!

At the Almost Happy Hour, but Five O’clock somewhere time of 3:00 it will be game of maroon and white with Mississippi State Bulldogs and the Texas A&M Aggies on ESPN. Will the cowbells ring? Now, Mike Air Raid. The entire SEC knows your one play, so this will be a case of who is faster, with better hands, and no interference penalties.  

And, Mike? For the number of times Michael Crabtree and Texas Tech beat almost every team in the Big 12, including TAMU years, in a last minute touchdown play to spoil their season and/or bowl selection — I hope your receivers miss the ball at least that many times (for Texas, Baylor, A&M and Oklahoma State) and then some. Revenge is often served cold.

Georgia and Alabama at 7:00 on CBS. Oh crap on a cracker! That means Gary Danielson – Worst ever! Never stops talking! We don’t care what you say! Just shut up, man!  Other than Motor Mouth this will be a good one. Just Mute Gary!

We do wish Coach Saban and AD Burns speedy recoveries from their recent COVID testing positive. We also wish a speedy recovery for the Alabama defense and hope they are for real this week. ROLL TIDE!

BTHO Mississippi State

Wear the mask. Stay safe. And DON’T FORGET TO VOTE!

Monday, October 12, 2020 – My Monday After Saturday College Football Awards

Monday, October 12, 2020 – My Monday After Saturday College Football Awards

Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire. From the college weekend football games that Defense forgot. It was upsets and near upsets.

First of all, what is with Ohio State, Penn State and Oregon being in the AP Top 10? You have not even played a down, let alone a game. You think you can run the 100-yard dash by starting at the 50-yard line? Big Assterick by your name.

Let’s begin with our first award, by giving The Decibel Level and Deception Award to Florida Head Coach Dan Mullins for complaining of the loud crowd noise and crowd size in Kyle Field. You think The 12th Man is loud when the stadium is as ESPN reported 27,709 in attendance? That is not even Yell Practice attendance preCOVID. Rather use the crowd noise as your excuse, perhaps you should examine your defense.

Florida QB Kyle Trask receives the trophy with a long name for If You Are Named After Kyle Field, You Don’t Win In It Unless You Wear Maroon.

To the Florida team I am awarding The Beer Trophy because it was Spiller Time in Aggieland.  Texas A&M 41 Florida 38.

LSU receives the Hurricane Delta Award for moving their game from the 2:30 afternoon slot in Baton Rouge to 11:00 in the morning in Missouri. The Tigers get A Great Goal Line Stand Award for holding on in the final seconds. That would be the Missouri Tigers. Missouri 45 and LSU 41.

Kentucky and Mississippi State – The Bulldogs receive the Yogi Berra Award for Deja Vue All Over Again. Mike, I told you the SEC is smarter, and the SEC knows your one play. Yes, even Kentucky. I am only an old while lady who has never coached, but I am thinking blaming your players for the loss is not positive.

The Ugly Uniform Award this week goes to TCU. Just because your mascot, a Horned Frog, is able to spurt blood from its eyes, it does not mean you should wear red on your uniform. Your colors are purple and white. I looked it up on your page. Besides, those uniforms looked as thought you borrowed them from SMU. K-State 21 and TCU 14. K-State is 3-0 in the Big 12.

The Heartbreak Hotel and Threaded Incline Plane Awards go to the Arkansas Razorbacks. Razorbacks 28 Auburn 30. It was a fumbled snap, not grounding in the final minute.

Alabama and Ole Miss – I am giving both teams the Michael Jackson Halloween Award because it was a Thriller. Both teams receive a Defense By-Pass Award because the defensive units on both teams by-passed the game allowing the offense to rake up a whopping SEC record score of 63 to 48 and 723 yards for Alabama and 647 for Ole Miss. And that was in regulation and more points and yards than some teams score in three consecutive games.

Both teams’ alum will send their Cussing Jar Money to their respective alma maters to ensure their defensive units take the bus to the next game. Any extra funds can be used for the purchase of new underwear.

Speaking of overtimes. It was THE University of Texas 45 and OU 53 in Four Overtimes. I award THE University of Texas and Oklahoma University The Ballerina Award because both of you now hold records of 2-2 as in tutu. When is the last time neither one of those schools was in the Top 25?

THE University of Texas receives the Maud Mullins Award from the poem of the same name by John Greenleaf Wittier.

“For of all sad words of tongue or pen,

The saddest are these: ‘It might have been!'”

And to TU Head Coach Tom Herman, I award a Gift Certificate to a Headhunter and Resume Service. Coach Herman? Have you thought about forming a band with a group of Hermits?

EARLY VOTING STARTS TOMORROW IN TEXAS. GET OUT AND VOTE!

Friday, October 9, 2020 – Snark on Snark Friday

Friday, October 9, 2020 – Snark on Snark Friday

Let’s do the Big 12 first and just get them out of the way.

Our Saturday will begin at 11:00 am when THE University of Texas and Oklahoma University play in the Embarrassment Game. At least one of these teams will get to say “Well, at least I beat TU/OU” This games airs on Fox.

In an air assault on the big time ABC at 2:30 we find the Texas Tech Tortillas and the Iowa State Cyclones.  While Tech certainly know about cyclones, this one could be a good, but long game and down the wire.

At 3:00 on Fox the Big 12 fans turn to Kansas State and TCU in the purple game. I hope TCU wears those uniforms with the purple shark looking teeth round their neck. It brought them luck last week. I also hope Gary Patterson body slams a referee like he did last week for a penalty.

Moving to the conference that just means more, at 11:00 we find LSU thankfully playing at Missouri and avoiding Hurricane Delta.  Tigers tigers burning bright.

On the SEC Network don’t look for Uncle Will Muschamp’s head to explode against Vanderbilt at 11:00.

And the Gators of Florida and the Fighting Texas Aggies kick off at 11:00 in Kyle Field on ESPN. It will be either a Willie Nelson Bloody Mary Morning or a Jimmy Buffet Margaritaville start of the day.

Following the Aggie/Florida game on ESPN at 3:00 is Arkansas and Auburn. A factoid to store away for trivia night is that the business school at Arkansas was accredited in 1946 when the school became an university. When did the Auburn business school become accredited? Jimmy Carter was president.

Will, Jimbo and Gus? Rumor has it that there is a shortage of Bic lighters in your towns due to the fact that SC, A&M and Auburn alums are thinking of hot seats.

Tennessee and Georgia kick at 2:30 on CBS. This means you will need to mute Gary Danielson’s biased, rambling, no one cares what you say, announcing. Go Dawgs!

Mike and Mississippi State are happy to be in Kentucky and away from any deltas including the Big Delta Hurricane too. Game airs at 6:30 on the SEC Network. Go Dogs!

ESPN 6:30 on ESPN. Alabama and Ole Miss in the Geritol Game. Kiffin? Did your Mama not raise you right? It is not polite to make fun of old people. As my Mama used to tell me “Shut up! You gonna be like that yourself one day.”

You challenge an “elderly” (your words) person to a challenge.  You said you could beat Saban one on one. You are 45 years old. Nick Saban is 68.

Kiffie, you Snark? You have about 5 more years before everything hurts when you wake up in the morning. Your knees go out. Your shoulders hurt and all moving joints just don’t seem to move as they used to. This does not even include internal body happenings.

Saban is smart enough to realize your challenge was stupid. HWIT, the weight of Saban’s championship rings weight down his hands and would impede his speed. ROLL TIDE!

BTHO FLORIDA!

Early Voting Starts Tuesday in Texas! VOTE!