Category Archives: Uncategorized

Monday, October 23, 2023 – My Very Few Monday After Saturday College Football Awards

Monday, October 23, 2023 – My Very Few Monday After Saturday College Football Awards

Just when you thought it was safe to move to a movie streaming channel, college football sent a few glimmers of hope.

But first, let me update you on Taylor Swift and Jason Kelce because I know you find it as interesting as I do. Miss Swift was seen in the Kansas City Chiefs box doing high fives with the NFL wives.

Moving on –

Let’s start with my favorite blabber mouth, Gary Danielson from CBS. I award Mr. Danielson the Beetlejuice Award. If you say three times that the Tennessee receiver juggled the ball, it will not become a touchdown. Nevertheless, it was a touchdown.

I also award Mr. Danielson the Program Program Get Your Program Award in order to know the players names. The Tennessee player’s name is Kamal Hadden. Not once, but twice, you referred to him as Kamala Harris. She is the Vice President of the United States. While I am sure there is “other duties as assigned” in her job description, playing football for Tennessee is not one of them.

To the Alabama football team I award you The Half-Time Come Back Award. What is in that Alabama Go Go Juice you drink at half-time? I need help with the cigar tradition. J. H.? Do you know? Alabama 34   UT20

Also receiving the Come Back Award is Oklahoma University.  OU 31 UCF 29.

To the referees calling THE University of Texas and The University of Houston I award you the Brown Fecal Spot Award for providing the worst ever spot of the football for U of H.  It is my understanding that the ball is placed where the runner is stopped and not where the runner is pushed back. This looks like the old Darryl K. Royal “make sure Texas wins” referee bribe. You must go way back for that. TU 31 and UH 24.

Sadly, I must award the Texas QB Another One Bites the Dust and move him to the Year of the Injured Quarterback. Seriously, I hope it is not serious. But do not put in The Arch.

I am awarding Tortilla Tech the Welcome Wagon Award. Once again the Throwers of Tortillas were the showers of good sportsmanship when a TT player was ejected for spitting on a BYU player. This was the first time since 1940 TT and BYU met. What a welcome.  Please do not spit on the Mormons. BYU 27 – Texas Tech. 14.

As stated at the beginning, there are not many awards. Next week will probably be even worse. Have a big, fancy wedding to attend on Saturday.

Let’s Go Astros! It is time to bring the bats or go home!

Friday, October 20, 2023 – Snarky Friday College Football Song – Week Eight

Friday, October 20, 2023 – Snarky Friday College Football Song – Week Eight

To the 2023 college football season: What in the world’s come over you?

I am conducting a survey. If the following YouTube video expresses how you feel college football this year, give a comment of “Yes.”

All my life, I’ve loved you so

Never dreamed, I’d miss you so

Now, alone in my room each night

My heart, it cries, “It’s just not right”

Oh, oh, oh

On a happy note – my basketball season tickets arrived.

LET”S GO ASTROS!!

Pray for peace everywhere.

Monday, October 16, 2023 – Monday Awards

Monday, October 16, 2023 – Monday Awards

“GIVE ME AN “F”

“GIVE ME A “U”

“GIVE ME A “C”

GIVE ME THE REST OF FISH CHEER from Woodstock!

What’s that spell? Worse college football season ever!

After the Aggie game I was done for the rest of the day with college football. So I did not watch any more games.  The Big Solid Swear Jar already had ten dollars in it.

Nevertheless I do have a few awards.

In spite of my intense dislike of CBS announcer, Gary Danielson, I do give him the Award for Not Closely Watching the Game But Still Talking. On one of Aggie QB Max Johnson umpteenth sacks, as Johnson stood up, Danielson said, “Oh no. Johnson is limping.” Then the camera showed Johnson arranging himself. This did not stop Gary who announced, “Oh he is just fixing himself.”

To the officials of the Texas A&M and Tennessee game I award the Hellen Keller award for Outstanding Vision. FYI refs – You are supposed to call a FACE MASK penalty when the opponent has his hands on the others face mask!

To the Oregon Ducks I award the Great Chrome Helmet Award. However, it topped the mud splatter looking uniforms. Therefore, Ducks get not only the loss to Washington, but Ugly Uniform Award too.

To Colorado – I am proud to award the Where Did You Go at Half-Time Trophy. You let Stanford come back and win the game. Stanford!

This season in college football can be named any number of Year of. Here are a few suggestions.

It is the Year of the Injured Quarterback.

It is the Year of Mediocrity.

It is the Year College Football went to Hell in a hand basket.

To Jimbo from the restless fans.

GIVE ME AN “F”

GIVE ME AN “I”

GIVE ME AN “R”

GIVE ME AN “E”

You better light some fire quickly or the word “fire” will be used as an action verb and not a noun!

Let’s Go Astros! BTHO the Rangers!

Friday, October 13, 2023 – Snark Snark Snark

Friday, October 13, 2023 – Snark Snark Snark

It is Friday the 13th, the Middle East is in flames, there is no Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives, there is a snow storm in the Rocky Mountains, fires in Canada and the sun will be eclipsed tomorrow. Ready to make your sacrifices to your Gods and Goddesses?

In addition all of the above, it is the most mediocre season of college football ever. No team seems to be playing at a high level. Is this due to Portal? Is this due to NIL? Is it me? Whatever, I am just not able to express great emotion for any team.

The A schools of the SEC – Arkansas and Alabama – kick off at 11:00 on ESPN. That game will certainly be more enjoyable than Georgia and Vanderbilt on CBS at 11:00.

Texas A&M and Tennessee on CBS at 2:30. This could be The Jimbo Egress. CBS? Once again we get to hear the biased, bigoted, never ceasing talking of Gary Danielson. He has already pissed off Tennessee fans by saying there stadium is no big deal. Why can’t he call Georgia and Vanderbilt? Aggies? You can still make something out of the season besides the Texas Bowl.

Oregon and Washington on ABC at 2:30.  Evidently the break up of the Pac 12 spurred some last year heroics. Both team are undefeated..

Speaking of the Pack 12… USC plays Our Lady on the Notre Dame network NBC at 6:30. Let’s go Trojans! Reminder, the USC mascot is warrior from the Trojan War between ancient Greece and Troy and not the prophylactic.

Speaking of mediocrity, Auburn visits Death Valley in Baton Rouge to meet up with LSU on ESPN at 6:00.

Stanford and Colorado on ESPN at 9:00. I agree with Coach Prime. This is too late. Old people go to bed at this time. When the time changes in a few weeks, we will have already been in bed for several hours.

Speaking of Hail Mary… If you did not see the end of the West Virginia and University of Houston … WVa scores with 12 seconds left to take the lead. Then with 1 second and a hail Mary pass U of H scores a touchdown to win 41 to 39 and Dana probably keeps his job for the moment.

And in conclusion…

Don’t forget to wear your special sun eclipse glasses. Better yet, watch it on TV.

Pray for Peace.

BTHO Tennessee

Friday, October 6, 2023 – Snarky Friday – Week Six

Friday, October 6, 2023 – Snarky Friday – Week Six

Before we snark into college football, I wanted to update you on Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce, because I know that you, like me, find this is of extremely high interest. It is has not been determined if Miss Swift will be in the Kelce box this weekend or not. But HWIT – three dates and there is a U-Haul in the future. Neither has it been determined if Miss Swift’s new color of lipstick is KC Chief Red.

Onward through the fog …

Snatch up the babies and grab the old ladies and hold on to your horses. Get those Big Solid Swear Jars ready. This weekend in college football is going to be a doozy.

Let us kick off with some relatively interesting games in the morning hours.

LSU and Missouri on ESPN @ 11:00 – Tiger Tiger burning bright; Kelly’s on the hot seat, right? Missouri could go six and O! Oh my!

Maryland and Ohio State on Fox @ 11:00 – undefeated Terrapins and Buckeyes! Watch for ugly uniforms and those little pot stickers on Ohio State helmets.

To the evening hours.

Georgia and Kentucky on ESPN at 6:00– Both teams are undefeated but playing between the hedges in Georgia.  WAKE-UP UGA! Those wildkats could sneak up on you! Go Wildkats!

Arkansas at Ole Miss 6:30 on SECN – This could kinda fun. Let’s think – Hillbillies meet the Preppies. Hotty Toddy in The Grove.

Notre Dame visits Louisville on ABC at 6:37 (6:37 is what is on the schedule) My two least favorite teams in any sport!

In the Big 12 Mediocrity Bowl at 7:00 on ESPN2, we have Tortilla Tech visiting Baylor. TT red uniforms and BU green uniforms maybe? Just a reminder Christmas is just around the corner.

And now for the only two games of meaning this weekend…

But first – a riddle for Alabama, Oklahoma, Texas A&M, and THE UNIVERSITY of Texas. What does the following mean?

YOUR SEASON

It means – Your Season on the line.

First at 11:00 – THE UNIVERSITY of Texas and Oklahoma University in the Red River Rivalry on ABC. This is one of those games when you never can tell. HWIT- The winner of this contest wins the Big 12. Once again – Do not let Arch play! Save that redshirt for the SEC! Meanwhile – Boomer Sooner!

And now – the game we have all been waiting for. Alabama and Texas A&M at 2:30 on CBS. The season is on the line for both of these teams too. CBS? Oh crap! Does that mean The Motor Mouth Gary Danielson will be in the booth? Can we put him in an isolation booth?

To the Alabama QB – if you thought the cowbells of Mississippi State were loud, wait until you hear The 12th Man. And The 12th Man does not have to cease yelling when you are trying to call a play.

To the A&M Defense – Can you make it seven QB sacks in a row? Sure, go for eight, after all, is the Alabama O-Line, where the O is actually a 0 as in zero.

To Jimbo/Bobby – Do not let Max the QB run with the ball. The next in line for QB is as good as I am!

To the Texas A&M field goal kicker – May the hold be good, may your leg be strong and may your kick go “… end over end neither left nor the right, straight through the heart of them righteous uprights…” just like last time the Tide was in Kyle Field.

BTHO ALABAMA!

Monday, October 2, 2023 – My Monday After Saturday College Football Awards

Monday, October 2, 2023 – My Monday After Saturday College Football Awards

Bless the avocado because it was a Holy Guacamole Football Weekend.

My first award goes to me. I’d like to thank the psychic football goddesses for their wisdom to call it “Anything Can Happen” Weekend. Anything can happen and did it ever!

Aggies 34 Hogs 22. The most awards go to Texas A&M – I give the Aggie QB The Max Factor Award. He still needs to make-up some ground, (Get it?) To the Aggie Defense I award the Grocery Store Award for seven sacks of the quarterback. Are you listening, St. Nick? Chris Russell receives a Big Solid Award for an interception and return for a touchdown. And Ainais Smith wins the Run Forrest Run award for an 80 yard punt return.

Florida 14 and Kentucky 33 – I give the Wildcats the award for “This Was So Much FUN to Watch.” Ray Davis also receives the Frankenstein Award because he was a monster running back with 206 rushing yards in the first half. He finished with a total of 280 yards.

Georgia 27 Auburn 20 – To Georgia – I give the award to WAKE YO ASS UP! It was Auburn and you almost blew it.

Missouri 38 Vanderbilt 21 – To the Tigers of Missouri I award the Are You for Real? trophy.

LSU 49 Ole Miss 55 – To both teams, I award the Defense Stayed Home Award. Looks like the Tigers get to play for Tiger Pride Only.

Alabama 40 Mississippi State 17 – I award Alabama the She’s Got a Ticket to Ride Award as the team prepares to see what a real maroon and white defense looks like this Saturday in College Station.

Baylor 36 UCF 35 – Baylor Bears receive a pair of green and gold Poopy Undies Award and an award for Great Comeback!

USC 48 Colorado 41 – Even in defeat, the Buffaloes receive the Never Give Up Award.

Both Baylor and Colorado fans receive the Damn It. I Turned the Channel when You Were Behind 30+ Points at Half-time.

Kansas 14 Texas 40 – To THE University of Texas I award the One More Time Award. If the Horns get by Saturday, it will be all over but the crying for the Big 12.

Houston 29 Texas Tech 49 – Ouch! I am giving the Cougars of the University of Houston the Linda Ronstadt Award because “you’re no good; you’re no good, baby, you’re no good.”

Notre Dame 21 and Duke 14 – Bless me father, for I cussed a blue streak, threw a dollar in the Big Solid Swear Jar, and repeated the process. And Duke looses their QB too! I’ll give ND an award when I get back from confession.

That’s it for today, but Saturday is going to be a BIG GAMEl for several teams.

BTHO ALABAMA!

Friday, September 29, 2023 – Snarky Football Friday – Week Five

Friday, September 29, 2023 – Snarky Football Friday – Week Five

Who knows what evil lurks on Saturday? The Shadow knows.

That is good, but I certainly do not know what is going to happen. This is “Anything can Happen” weekend.

It is already a terrible year for quarterbacks. Tortilla Tech, NY Jets, and Texas A&M have all lost their starting quarterback to leg injuries. I do wish speedy recoveries for all. But they did have more plays than Lincoln did.

Snarkin on…with the games I’ll be watching.

The morning glory games.

Bacon in the morning for 11:00 on SECN – Texas A&M and Arkansas from Jerry World in Dallas. The Aggies do have the Max Factor now. But the Hogs are always dangerous. Besides they wear red plastic pig hats on their heads and marry their cousins.

Oh give me a home, where the buffalo roam; and the Heisman winner don’t play… USC at Colorado at 11:00 on Fox. HWIT. I think the honeymoon is over for the Prime. I don’t think it will matter how many rappers are in attendance.

The afternoon.

Baylor and UCF at 2:30 on FS1. I think the golden part will be the Golden Knights instead of the Green and Gold Bears. The Baylor Line ain’t so good this year. Note: Do not refer to UCF as Central Florida. They want to be called UCF. Probably something to do with the Florida education system. UCF has fewer letters to remember and makes for cheaper tattoos.

Houston at Texas Tech at 2:30 FS2 – Two of the three of my least favorite teams. But go Cougars! Watch out for flying frozen tortillas.

THE GAME at 2:30 is between Kansas at THE UNIVERSITY of Texas on ABC. What is going on in college football? Kansas comes to Austin undefeated to play the undefeated Longhorns. Rock Chalk, Jay Hawk. Let me say this again. No Arch! You T-Shirt wearers should know that Sark is saving him for the SEC! So let the women’s soccer team play before putting the Arch in the game.

Speaking of undefeated… Missouri and Vanderbilt at 3:00 SECN – Excuse me? Missouri? Mizzu can be undefeated at 5 and 0? Well, you are the Show Me State so show it to me.

Kicking off the evening is the Halloween game between LSU and Ole Miss at 5:00 on ESPN. Roll that Billy Cannon video. GEAUX TIGERS! Do it in memory of Billy and my cousin Donnie who threw the block that sprung Billy down the side line. This could be a nail biter.

8:00 Alabama and Mississippi State on ESPN – The Big Solid Interception Game!!! Roll that video. Go Dogs! Miss you, Mike. Alabama? Will you be bringing a quarterback?

Notre Dame (Other school in least favorite) is at Duke on ABC at 6:30. When did Duke start playing football? Let’s hope this Tobacco Road leads to a victory with No Bull in Durham. And the president of Duke is Vincent Price. Not the House of Wax VP, but still pretty cool. Game Day is in Durham and the guest picker is Leslie Chow from The Hangover movie. Ken Jeong graduated from Duke. For his entrance, I hope he reprises his role as Leslie Chow and jumps naked out of the trunk of a car. May the always creepy leprechaun be burned by the Blue Devil.

Get those Big Solid Swear Jars ready. Quarters will fly on Saturday.

Stay safe. Be kind to animals and people.

BTHO ARKANSAS

Monday, September 25, 2023 – My Monday After Saturday College Football Awards – Week Four

Monday, September 25, 2023 – My Monday After Saturday College Football Awards – Week Four

My apologies for the delay in the game. I had several false starts today. Just like many of the teams. But here we go. Feel free to sing along…

Ugly in the morning; ugly in the evening; ugly at supper time.

The football games were ugly, Especially for Coach Prime.

It was indeed an ugly weekend of football. Even if your team won, it was an ugly win. And if your team lost, it was double butt ugly.

But time and bands march on and here are my awards for Week Four.

Ohio State 17 – Notre Dame 14. My first award today is the Michael Jackson Award and it goes to Ohio State for it was THRILLER! I only watched 1:35 of this game, but that was the entire game. It was wonderful not only to see ND lose, but on the final play of the game. Buckeyes Rule! Guess that “wearing of the green” and the Rudy Stuff was not the answer.

Alabama 24 – Ole Miss 10 – I am awarding the TIDE the Alarm Clock Award for waking up at half-time and realizing “OH! WE’RE ALABAMA! WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BE WINNING BIG!

Mississippi State 30 and South Carolina 37. I feel certain that Big Solid threw money in the jar every time that damn rooster crowed. The Bulldogs receive the Close, but No Cigar Award.

Texas A&M 27 and Auburn 10– Multiple Awards for the Aggies – Max Johnson gets the E. King Gill Award for the 12th Man taking over from Connor Wiegman and the Taking It to the Max for coming in and winning the game. He also receives the Johnson and Johnson Award for connecting with his brother, Jake, for a touchdown. Note: There was $2.50 in my Big Solid Swear Jar and there was still 6 minutes left in the first quarter.  Double note: Another $2.00 into the jar when Wiegman was injured.

I would like to award Auburn the Number 2. This is for the number of yards you had for the third quarter. Also your offense did not score a touchdown. Can we give the A&M Defense some love? Hearts and Hamburgers for the Big Men!

Jimbo? He gets the You are Not the 12th Man Award for being on the field as the Auburn runner runs by him.

THE UNIVERSITY of Texas 38 and Baylor 6 – Baylor receives the Calendar Award so it can find the start of basketball season. Texas is 4 and 0 for the first time since 2012. The Horns Receive the You Ain’t Seen Nothing, Yet Award! But again, it is the Big 12 – kind of like taking your cousin to the prom.

Kansas  38 BYU 27 – Rock Chalk Jayhawk. You are awarded The Big 12 Undefeated Award – just like Texas! And undefeated like Oklahoma! Last time the Jayhawks were 4 and 0, Woodrow Wilson was president.

Oregon 42 and Colorado 6 The dance has ended for Cinderella, but maybe not the season. Colorado receives the Prime Time Reality Check Award.  

LSU 34 and Arkansas 31 – Both teams receive Poopy Underwear Awards. It was a really good game. To LSU, I award The Not There Yet Award. You still look average. The Hogs were a problematic the entire game. I award them the Root Root Root Sooey Pig Award. I wonder who Arkansas plays next week? Oh Crap!

Friday, September 22, 2023 – Snarky Friday – Week Four

Friday, September 22, 2023 – Snarky Friday – Week Four

It is the first day of fall and the temperature in Texas is 101.

This week in football we find out who is real and who is Memorex. You got to be old to understand that metaphor. If you do not know what it means, Google it. For most teams, conference plays begins. No more cupcake teams.

But there is football morning, afternoon and night. Here are the teams I shall be watching.

At 11:00 we have:

Auburn at Texas A&M University on ESPN.

SEC Nation is in town. I shall not be in the pit at 5:30 am with my sign. In the battle of the land grant flagships, I dream of Jeannie with the light Auburn hair. More war birds! Auburn comes to Kyle Field undefeated. However, the Tigers have played the University of Massachusetts, California, and Samford. Mimosas and bloody Mary’s for everybody. Note to self: Get Big Solid Swear Jar ready. TAMU? Please bring a defense!

Oklahoma visits WKRP in Cincinnati. On Fox. The Bearkats meet the Sooners for their first Big 12 play. Good luck with that Bearkats!

Florida State and Clemson on ABC. – I really do not care, but it seems that Dabo’s coaching seat is a bit warm.

The afternoon – Grab your swear jar, the oxygen tanks and some clean underwear.

Ole Miss at Alabama 2:30 on CBS

“A horse, a horse – my kingdom for a horse.” Richard III – Shakespeare

“A quarterback, a quarterback – my dynasty for a quarterback.” Nick Saban – All of Alabama

Hoddy Toddy! Hold your popcorn and throw your headset, this is going to be good. Lane Kiffen is the kind of guy that you have a blind date with in college. You come back and tell your roommate how weird he is. Then you end up marrying him!

Colorado and Oregon 2:30 on ABC – Duck, duck Deion! Team Sanders will need it all against the ducks. But it could be a Colorado high.

At 3:00 on SEC we have Tennessee and UTSA. I think Wylie Coyote will win this one against the roadrunners.

Evening Hours

Arkansas at LSU at 6:00 on ESPN – Boudin comes in pig casings. Andouille sausage also comes in pig casings. Just saying. Geaux Tigers!

Ohio State and Notre Dame at 6:30 on NBC – This is the type of game when I hope for a lightening, hail and snow storm. But Buckeyes You, ND. RL? I shall await your ND text!

Mississippi State at South Carolina at 6:00 on ESPN – Get the Big Solid Swear Jar ready. Evenly matched mediocre teams. Hail State!

Sam Houston State University at the University of Houston at 6:00 on a stream. The vultures are gathering around 4800 Calhoun Street. Dana? You cannot lose to Rice and Sam Houston in the same year.

THE UNIVERSITY of Texas at Baylor -THEE University at 6:30 ABC –Let us pray. Oh Lord, please resurrect the 1974 Miracle on the Brazos game when it was 27 to 7 at halftime and Baylor came back to win 34-24 to win the Southwest Conference Championship for the first time in 50 years. Bless you Grant Teaff! Sadly, this could be ugly and the Bears will need a miracle. But still no Arch!

BTHO AUBURN!

Monday, September 18, 2023 – My Monday After Saturday College Football Awards – Week Three

Monday, September 18, 2023 – My Monday After Saturday College Football Awards – Week Three

It was a most interesting weekend. Some teams played cupcake teams and the cupcakes got their  next year’s athletic budgets. Some teams that were supposed to be cupcakes turned up to be real teams. Some teams began conference play while others still had a few warm up games.

Let’s start with the elephant in the room. To Alabama, you receive The Sink Hole Award. I thought of another four letter word that begins with “S” and also has the letter “I” in it, but I decided to keep it clean. This award is followed by The Rumors Abounding Award – Nick Saban is retiring and Deion Sanders will be the next coach of the TIDE. Not making that up. Plus Manning rumors of transfer. Arch Manning is not coming to Alabama. At least not yet. Alabama  17 and South Florida 3.

The Umbrella Awards go to Alabama, Baylor and Texas A&M for the rain delays. While the rains did bring the Tide to roll, ugly as it was, Baylor thought it was a baptism, so they returned to defeat Long Island 30 to 7. And there was no impact from the rains on the Aggies because the start of the game was delayed. Other than other than a few quarters added to the BSSJ for the delays.

Blow Out Awards go to OU, Tortilla Tech and Texas A&M for their victories of OU 66 – Tulsa 17, Tech 41 Tarleton State 3, and Texas A&M 47 and ULAMO 3.

To U of H coach Dana, I award The CCR Award because I See a Bad Moon Rising. University of Houston 13 –  TCU 36.

Georgia? Please step forward and receive your Poopy Undies Award and The Alarm Clock Award for waking up in the second half  of the game. Bulldogs 24 South Carolina Gamecocks 14.

LSU? Your award this week is the Bayou Rising Award by defeatingMississippi State 41 to 14. Because the Big Solid Swear Jar already had $2.00 by half time, I did not watch the second half.

Tennessee may pick up their Pepto Bismal trophy for being upset by Florida. Rocky Flopped on this one! Vols 15-Florida 29.

The award for Best Crossover Sports goes to: A tie between Tennessee and Florida and Colorado and Colorado State. Both teams displayed fighting skills before and after the games.

THE UNIVERSITY of Texas and Wyoming. I award the Horns the Well-Played Award. Wyoming Cowboys offered you a little bit of competition – 31 to 10. Probably the most competition you will receive in the Big 12 if you can get past OU!

The Best Game of the Week Award goes to Colorado and Colorado State – Throwing shade a few days before, a fight before kick-off, tying the game on the last play of regulation, double OT with a Colorado win 43 to 35- what a great game! I wish I did not sleep through it.! I think the Buffaloes are real.

The Best Play of the Weekend goes to Missouri for a 61 yard field walk off goal to defeat Kansas State 30 to 27.

The Best Kick in Football goes to: Watch closely. This game is between two small high school in Waco. The kick, with no goal post netting, goes through the uprights and into the window of a passing car.

https://www.si.com/high-school/2023/09/16/extra-point-kick-sailing-into-open-window-passing-car-best-thing-video

Stay safe. Stay strong and be kind to people.