Category Archives: humor

Tuesday, February 19, 2019 – High Noon and The Look

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Tuesday, February 19, 2019 – High Noon and The Look

Do not forsake me oh my darling; on this our wedding day…

The Ballad of High Noon was sung by the great Tex Ritter. He was from beautiful downtown Carthage, Texas, located behind The Pine Curtain in deep East Texas.

The movie High Noon was on TV last night. The first time I saw this movie was in 1968 at Stephen F. Austin in Nacogdoches. It was Saturday quarter night at the movie on campus. Of course, I didn’t have a date and for some reason Gayla, that night neither did you.

The movie premiered in 1952 starring Gary Cooper and the then unknown, Grace Kelly. Yes, that Grace Kelly who would go on to be a princess.

Gary Cooper would go on to win the Academy Award for Best Actor. High Noon would also win the Academy Award for Best Original Music Score done by Dimitri Tiomkin. Tex Ritter, who sang during great portions of the film, did not win anything, but you can visit the Tex Ritter Museum in Carthage.

It is too bad that there was not and is no Academy Award for The Look. In today’s movies we have become numb to the stream of consciousness cursing that actually say very little.

After the gun battle at high noon ends, the townspeople of Hadleyville come out of hiding to congratulate Marshall Will Kane as he and bride Amy prepare to leave. Kane throws down his badge and gives them one of the best no cussing needed looks you will ever see. Just The Look as the badge falls into the dust. The Look from Will Kane tells the cowards exactly how he feels. No words needed. Great movie! Too bad there is no award for The Best No Cussing Needed Look.

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Posted in Education, humor

Tagged Carthage Texas, Gary Cooper, High Noon, Tex Ritter, Tex Ritter Museum

Monday, February 18, 2019 – Head ‘Em Up! Move ‘Em Out!

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Monday, February 18, 2019 – Head ‘Em Up! Move ‘Em Out!

It is trail riding time in Texas. If you, as Lyle Lovett sings,
“are not from Texas” then let me attempt an explanation. When the rodeo comes to town, everybody is fixin to be a cowboy or cowgirl. It is just a Texas thang!

To celebrate our cattle heritage and cattle drives, there are trail rides to recall when real cowboys rode the range and herded the longhorns. The granddaddy of all the rides is The Salt Grass Trail Ride. It started when some Texans got stranded in Florida due to bad weather after the 1952 Orange Bowl Football Game. Sidebars: The game was between Baylor and Georgia Tech. It was Baylor’s first bowl game and the co-champions of the SEC. (GT was in the SEC?) The Yellow Jackets won.

But back to the story. Being stranded in Florida, one Texan said “I’ll never go anywhere again without my horse” and so began the Salt Grass Trail Ride. It began as a promotion for the then called Houston Fat Stock Show and Rodeo. Trivia for Native Texans and Houstonians – where was the event held? Answer at the end.

https://saltgrasstrailride.com/

From the website:

Riding through the rich salt grass pastures, the journey begins in Cat Spring, Texas, in mid-February and winds through the countryside for 103 miles toward Houston. Participants range in age from 2 to 90, stretched out single file for the distance of a mile or so, always present a colorful picture as they go down the trail. The early Texans who pioneered our great cattle industry, despite almost overwhelming hardships, have not been forgotten. They live on in the Salt Grass Trail Ride.

What this really means for the Houston and surrounding areas is this. The weather is going to be sunny, warm, hot, cold, rainy, and miserable with as much as 40 degrees temperature ranges. It could be 85 degrees day and 45 degrees the next day. Sometimes, within the next hour of reaching a record high of 85. But that’s only one of the reasons we love Texas.

Unlike the cowboys you see in the following video, these cowpokes and their horses stop at the end of a hard day’s ride and relax in their cozy RVs and with their horses in heated horse trailers. While Willie sings “Cowboys ain’t easy to love” he also knows they ain’t stupid either.

Here’s to all the trail riders on all the rides. Be safe. God Bless you and God Bless Texas!

So head ‘em up! Move ‘em out! Who is that cute, Rowdy second cowboy in the credits? Stay for the credits if for no other reason to hear the song. You are welcome because I know you will be hearing and singing this the remainder of the day.

Answer: The Houston Fat Stock Show was held at the Sam Houston Coliseum.

https://youtu.be/3_rHrLHIeyI

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Posted in Education, humor, Misc., Native Texan

Tagged Houston Fat Stock Show and Rodeo, Rawhide, Salt Grass Trail Ride

Wednesday, February 13, 2019 – Protect Your Birds

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Wednesday, February 13, 2019 – Protect Your Birds

Yesterday I purchased a new skillet. When I turned it over to see how to season it, I saw this in the instructions. I did not believe it at first either.

If you are having difficulty reading the before you use instructions, the sentence reads:

CAUTION: Please keep pet birds out of the kitchen. Birds’ respiratory systems are sensitive to many fumes, including the fumes of extremely overheated nonstick pans.

It immediately made me question “How was this determined?” Was there a lab experiment to determine which animals might be injured and the birds won? I have no answers. I noticed it said “Pet Birds.” So I assume that means you own multiples and that wild birds in your kitchen are okay.

I also wondered, “What about my respiratory system? What about Peach’s respiratory system?”

I apologize for the brevity of today. I am cooking chicken in my new skillet and must go tend to it.

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Posted in Education, humor, Native Texan

Friday, February 8, 2019 – As God Is My Witness

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Friday, February 8, 2019 – As God Is My Witness

Stop now if you think this is going to have a religious tint. I’m just paraphrasing Scarlett O for the introduction.

As God is my witness I have never done blackface. Even years ago we knew it was wrong. However, there was that one time when I applied black shoe polish to my face.

I was 12 and my Halloween costume was blue jeans, a horizontally striped black and white t-shirt, a black velvet beret, and bongo drums. Where in the confines of Magnolia, Texas I found bongo drums I do not recall. I applied a generous amount of black Kiwi Shoe Polish to create – ala resembles – a goatee set of facial hair. I am certain I created an interesting site since I was still wearing bronze looking, cat-eye glasses (with sequins.)

I recall being with another person who had on a similar costume – sans faux facial hair. It was probably Mollie H., but could have been Karen No Facebook. Here are some questions you should be asking yourselves.

• What in the world were you dressed as? We had to explain with every opening door. When the door opened one of us would say “You rang?” or “We are beatniks!” Then I would beat on the bongos a few times and one of us would say “Can you dig it? The other would say “We are cool cats.” Most people just looked at us in a mild state of confusion, but we still got candy. Then we’d leave with a “Thanks Daddy-O.”

• Bonus question for Colfax, Louisiana readers – Where did you get a black velvet beret? From one of Myrtle’s boxes. Remember those?

• How did two 12 year old girls in Magnolia, Texas even know what a beatnik was? You got me. Probably same place I borrowed the bongos.

• Your mothers let you go out like that? Yep. In fact one of them probably drove us Trick or Treating.

• What year was this? 1961 – The upside down year.

• Was this your last year to dress like a beatnik and go Trick or Treating? Yes. And after my first year in college I had moved to a full-fledged, tie-dyed, bell-bottom wearing hippie. Ya’ll should have seen that coming when I was 12. Groovy, huh? Peace out!

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Posted in humor, Native Texan

Tuesday, February 5, 2019 – Happy Chinese Lunar New Year!

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Tuesday, February 5, 2019 – Happy Chinese Lunar New Year!

It is day one of The Spring Festival. It is the Year of the Pig and a time to let fortune and happiness come and/or continue. Festivals and celebrations continue for five days.

I have on red to avoid the monsters; I have my pig roasting; my fireworks ready to light; my dragons to be tamed and my cookies with hopes of fortunes that bring happiness and wealth on all of us today and into the New Year.

The Pig is the 12th of all Chinese zodiac animals. Two myths exist about The Pig. The Jade Emperor decided the placement by the order in which the animals of the zodiac arrived to his party. The Pig was late because he overslept and was last to arrive and thus received last place. A second myth is that a wolf destroyed his house and he had to rebuild before he could leave. He must have had one of those straw or stick houses.

These are some Chinese taboos for the day. I think some of them are pretty good whether it is a new year or not.

Do not say negative words.

- Said to jinx yourself or bring misfortunes.
- Words include death, sick, empty, pain, ghost, poor, break and kill.

Do not break ceramics or glass.

- Said to break your connection to prosperity and fortune.
- If you break something, wrap it in red and say sui sui ping and ask for peace and security.

Do not clean or sweep.

- You sweep away the good luck.
- I must have a really lucky house.

Do not use scissors, knives or other sharp objects

- Sharp objects will cut your stream of wealth.
- This includes getting your hair cut.

Do not visit the wife’s family.

- This indicates a troubled marriage.
- Go on the second day.

Do not demand debt repayment.

- Another bad luck taboo.
- To not demand a repayment shows understanding.

Avoid fighting and crying
- Unless there is a special circumstance.
- Do not reprimand a child that cries.
Avoid taking medicine

- This means you could be ill the entire year.
- But your health should come first.

Do not give New Years blessings to someone still in bed

- If you say Bai Nian before the person is out of bed, they will be bed ridden all year.
- Sleep in

Do not give taboo gifts.
- Especially do not give a clock.
- It means paying one’s last respect.

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Posted in Education, humor

Tagged Chinese New Year

Friday, February 01, 2019 – Ground Hog Day Eve

Posted on February 1, 2019 | 1 comment

Friday, February 01, 2019 – Ground Hog Day Eve

What’s a Friday without a Snark? Ready?

Who’s excited about the Super Bowl? I’ll wait the prescribed 15 seconds per education Saint, Madeline Hunter, to see if anyone answers.

Meanwhile today is Ground Hog Day Eve. Here’s what I’m thinking. The renowned weather predicting rodent, aka Punxsutawney Phil, learned of the polar vortex, heard the temperature, saw the snow banks and left for Florida. The residents living in the current winter storm probably just hope the next six weeks are nothing like the previous week.

Friday, February 01, 2019 – Ground Hog Day Eve

What’s a Friday without a Snark? Ready?

Who’s excited about the Super Bowl? I’ll wait the prescribed 15 seconds per education Saint, Madeline Hunter, to see if anyone answers.

Who got my Ground Hog Day Joke? I’m still waiting to hear from someone excited about the Super Bowl.

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Posted in Education, humor

Friday, January 18, 2019 – Lumpy Body Scan

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Friday, January 18, 2019 – Fitness Lumpy Body Scan

Let’s play Jeopardy! I’ll take Physical Fitness Stupid for $1000, Alex.

The answer is: gravy, mashed potatoes, coal and me.

What are four things that are lumpy?

Bad Ass trainer talked me into entering a fitness contest. I think I am the only one in the age bracket that can even attempt what she is having me do without having 911 on speed dial and an ambulance on standby in the parking lot.

Yesterday, I did a full 3D body scan at the gym. You stand still while on a rotating platform in your almost birthday suit. I was thinking of the stage in Les Miserable’s.

I thought I was in decent shape. But the numbers don’t lie. I am lumpy – 36% lumpy to be exact in some places. I am not even sure what the rest of the lumpy numbers mean. I look like a fat alien rag doll with stuffing poking out in various places – like my waistline. This reading means that I am only slightly above average. You know how I do not like to be average in anything.

So now I am doing 50 of everything and if it does not kill me it will make me strong. 50 ring rows, 50 squats, 50 stomach crunches, 50 full body push-ups, 50 bicep curls, 50 triceps’ curls and 50 more exercises (like burpees) I do not even want to think about. I do this twice per week and cardio once per week. Then I get on a bicycle or treadmill or row a fake boat. None of them go anywhere.

I have only been “conditioning” as BA says for a week. My body has not been this sore since Coach McGinty’s seventh grade P.E. class. I have to go now and try to find the brain I lost when I said I would do this. For a T-shirt and maybe my picture on the wall? What was I thinking?

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Posted in Education, humor

Monday, January 14, 2019 – WE ARE FAMILY!

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Monday, January 14, 2019 – WE ARE FAMILY!

We are family! I got all my family with me! We are family! Look at what they did for me!

LOOK! I got a Ferrari! OK – we parked by one at Perry’s in The Woodlands

Back to Kristen’s

What’s a good party without a lampshade on your head and a boa around your neck? Kristen – the photo area rocked!

My outstanding twin gnieces!

My fabulous and handsome great nephews!

Niece # !

Looks as though Niece # 2 Deewee and I are going to do a dance routine.

As the song says: WE ARE FAMILY! Get up everybody and sing!

Just let me state for the record we’re giving love in a family dose!

https://youtu.be/XwLjtilAZDQ

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Posted in humor

Friday, January 11, 2019 – You Will Be Assimilated

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Friday, January 11, 2019 – You Will Be Assimilated

Captain’s Log 01.11.2019 – Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated. Wait. That is the Borg. We are not going to Delta Quadrant. Who is driving this Starship? We need to change course and warp speed to Septar Quadrant. That is where the Septuagenarians live. At 12:30 AM on Sunday, January 13, I will be assimilated into that decade.

Here is to all of the birth anniversaries born under the sign of Capricorn. Belated birthday wishes to Carol L. and RL on the 6th and 10th respectively. Tomorrow, January 12 we celebrate Molly and Dale and Carol M. days of birth.

Me and Molly Harper Fowler on our 13th birthdays. I do not know if there is a name for a Baptist and Methodist girl when she turns 13.

Then on Sunday, the lovely birthday girls, include, but is not limited to, me, Carolyn Sue, Nova and Debbie F. We all share the day of celebration.

We all invite you to celebrate with all the January birthdays while tapping your toes to another January BD – The Great Earl Scruggs born on Jan 6. I think Foggy Mountain Breakdown is appropriate for us. Don’t you? Engage! Warp Speed to Septar Quadrant.

https://youtu.be/AJOIqmlI65Y

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Posted in Education, humor, Native Texan

Tagged birthdays, Earl Scruggs

Tuesday, January 8, 2019 – Tiger Tiger Burning Bright

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Tuesday, January 8, 2019 – Tiger Tiger Burning Bright

Tiger tiger burning bright

In the forests of the night,

What immortal hand or eye

Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?

Fearful symmetry? How about the fearful offense or fearful defense of Clemson? Clemson ran through Alabama like you know what through a goose.

Congratulations to the Clemson Tigers for winning the big trophy stick associated with the National Football Championship. It was fun to see Dabo’s excitement as he ran and jumped along the sideline.

Dear Coach Saban, since you seem to recruit kickers who kick like 70 year old women, I would like to apply for the job next year. Really? A fake field goal? Did a Clemson zombie eat part of your brain?

One of the best parts of the game was the Chevy truck commercial with the Donny and Marie Osmond’s “I’m a little bit country; I’m a little bit rock and roll” as the dialog.

And so we now ask the important question. How many days until kickoff? It is actually 228 days until August 31.

To Clemson, the Texas Aggies shall see you on September 7. To Alabama, the Texas Aggies shall see you on October 1.

To the rest of the college teams, we’ll see you on Monday, January 13, 2020 in New Orleans. I hope Jimbo and Aggies are there!

Until then, Elvis has left the football thinkings until next season. Happy Birthday, Elvis! I believe I will go have a peanut butter and nanner sandwich.