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Thursday, March 26, 2015 – It’s Zippity Doo Dah Day

Thursday, March 26, 2015 – It’s Zippity Doo Dah Day

And we’re off.

Take a look at the 2012 Zippity Doo Dah Parade.  It is a rather long video, but you can obtain a comprehensive visual.  While you watching, I have to continue packing.

Still to pack

  • Lights
  • Lighted jewelry
  • Boas
  • Boots
  • Sequins
  • Pearls
  • Crowns
  • Money in unmarked bills and denominations suitable for tipping bar tenders, securing bail, offering bribes and other funds needed to visit Mississippi.

I’m going to Jackson.  Good-bye that’s all she wrote.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=PyqpHrfznVY

 

Wednesday, March 25, 2015 – Jackson!

Wednesday, March 25, 2015 – Jackson!

Today we continue our discussion of the two greatest authors from Mississippi. Since I learned that Florence King is not truly from the state, we are back to two greats. Yesterday we talked about Jill Conner Browne and today we will discuss William Cuthbert Faulkner. Tell me Cuthbert is not a family name.

Since I have to prepare for going to the Zippity Do Dah Parade, and everybody has heard of William Faulkner, I am going to skip the discussion and draw a chart showing the comparison and contrast between Jill Conner Browne and William Cuthbert Faulkner.  I know that comparing and contrasting those two is like apples and oranges, oil and water, or any other dichotomous elements resulting from extreme differentiating social factors. Sorry did not realize my doctor hat was still on for that last part.

William Cuthbert Faulkner v Jill Conner Browne

 

William Cuthbert Faulkner (WCF) Jill Conner Browne (JCB)
Born and raised in Mississippi Born and raised in Mississippi
Writes about The South Writes about The South
WCF wrote in not easy to read, and even more difficult to comprehend long, convoluted, passages in a circular writing style with sentences that sometimes ran together creating giant run on sentences, that could go on for pages like this one. JCB writes simple, easy to read and easy to understand sentences like this one.
Reading level for his works – nerdy American Literature majors and really smart people who like to read about The South. Reading level for her works – Mississippi state reading standard.  Note: “We’re not Mississippi!”
Laugh out loud only you when finally recognize just how dark the humor lies in As I Lay Dying. Laugh out loud – early and often.
Creates a host of crazy characters representing the essence of Southern culture. Creates host of crazy characters representing the essence of Southern culture.  FYI – we call it Southern Hospitality.
Had a mustache Probably has a mustache, but waxes
Is required reading for high school.  Oh the sound and the fury the chillren make when it is assigned. Should be required reading for everyone.  It would explain a lot.

 

Count down to the Zippity Do Dah is now T minus 2 and counting.  I must go work on my queen wave.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015 – I’m Going to Jackson!

Tuesday, March 24, 2015 – I’m Going to Jackson!

I’m going to Jackson! And I’m singing the remarkably futuristic sounding words of the June Carter and Johnny Cash duet – “I’m going to Jackson, gonna mess around, look out Jackson town.”

I’m going to Jackson for the Zippity Do Dah Parade!

Beginning today we are going to discuss the two greatest authors from the state of Mississippi. Yes, I understand it is unusual to have authors from that state at all given its high illiteracy rates. I too was unaware that many people in Mississippi could read.

But a few authors do exist. As stated, we will discuss the two greatest. Today we will discuss Ms. Jill Conner Browne and tomorrow we will discuss Mr. William Cuthbert Faulkner.  You were expecting John Grisham?

Let’s begin with an introduction off the Internet of Ms. Jill Conner Brown and her minions – The Sweet Potato Queens. The Sweet Potato Queens concept has been explained and made popular by a series of books by Jill Conner Browne, who came up with the idea in 1982. Browne is the author of a number of books which form the backbone of the Sweet Potato Queen movement. She turned a cottage industry into a multi-million dollar industry with donations made to various charities in Mississippi. Boring, boring, boring. Wonder how many times she has heard that introduction?

Let’s start again and do it my way.

Jill Conner Browne was born in Tupelo and raised in Jackson, Mississippi. Being birthed in the same town as The Elvi? Well, hell, that there is almost as good as being a native born Texan.

This awesome woman Jill Conner Browne (JCB) and some of her BFF’s in the early 1980’s recognized that we are all sisters and we are all queens of something. So they went out in somebody’s sweet potato farm and ceremonially declared themselves queens and thus became the Sweet Potato Queens (SPQ). I am pretty confident significant amounts of adult beverages were consumed during this process, but I am not 100% certain.

Obviously this JCB was the gifted and talented student for the state of Mississippi that decade because she because she was able to read and write. She wrote all these books to help all of us realize our inner potentials of queenship and to empower us to use them in life.

Her ideas grew into a big ass organization for which she is Her Royal Highness (HRH) of the SPQ Empire. Note to the Wikipedia people – The Sweet Potato Queens are an empire not a movement. The functioning of one’s bowels is a movement.

But HRH and the SPQ made so much money she had to give some away or the government would come after her.  So she and the increasing number of Sweet Potato Queens began the Zippity Do Dah parade in Jackson, Mississippi to celebrate being a Queen and to donate to a cause.  And Honey, you know we Southern Ladies do love a cause. Her cause is the Baston Children’s Hospital helping the little chirren and chilluns who are sick. Bless their hearts.

She wrote all these books and you should read all of them. Some of them you should read twice.

  • Sweet Potato Queens’ Book of Love (Jan 19, 1999)
  • God Save the Sweet Potato Queens (Jan 9, 2001)
  • The Sweet Potato Queens’ Big-Ass Cookbook and Financial Planner (Jan 7, 2003)
  • Sweet Potato Queens’ Field Guide to Men: Every Man I Love Is Either Married, Gay, or Dead (Oct 5, 2004)
  • The Sweet Potato Queens’ Wedding Planner/Divorce Guide (Dec 27, 2005)
  • The Sweet Potato Queens’ First Big-Ass Novel: Stuff We Didn’t Actually Do, but Could Have, and May Yet (Jan 2, 2007)
  • The Sweet Potato Queens’ Guide to Raising Children for Fun and Profit (Jan 1, 2008)
  • American Thighs: The Sweet Potato Queen’s Guide to Preserving Your Assets (Dec 30, 2008).

I suggest you read the books in order, but you don’t have to. But there is so much fundamental foundational material in Sweet Potato Queens’ Book of Love it gives you such a good start.

Chapters include:

  • The True Magic Words Guaranteed to Get Any Man to Do Your Bidding,
  • The Five Men You Must Have in Your Life at All Times Men Who May Need Killing,
  • Quite Frankly What to Eat When Tragedy Strikes, or Just for Entertainment, and
  • The Best Advice Ever Given in the Entire History of the World

I guarantee the true magic words work – even for me.  And if my friend KMY would have used them we could gotten a lot more free stuff on that weekend trip last summer.  I don’t care, KMY, if your cut-off standard is a full-set of teeth. You know you don’t have to follow through.

Now all SPQ know that going to the Zippity Do Dah Parade is like one of those pilgrimages of a life time like going to Graceland, or any other shrine on your bucket list. And I am headed out to the Zippity Do Day Parade. It promises to be a weekend of fun, food, frolic and sister hood as we move from Friday’s opening Big Ass Hat contest to Sunday’s Bathrobe Brunch.  Did I not mention there would be costumes?

This is my first parade, thus making me a parade virgin. Given that I have been to any number of parades before, I must beg to enforce Florence King’s self-rejuvenating virgin concept. I cannot remember exactly what the criteria are. I will need to check my copy of Southern Ladies and South Gentleman. Florence King is from where? There are three great authors from Mississippi? Well, do tell.

For more about Jill Connor Browne, the Sweet Potato Queens, the Baston Children’s Hospital and Florence King visit:

http://www.sweetpotatoqueens.com/

http://www.ummchealth.com/Patient_and_Visitor_Information/About_Us_-_Batson_Childrens_Hospital/About_Us_-_Batson_Children_s_Hospital.aspx

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Florence_King

Monday, March – 23, 2015 – Your High School Yearbook

Monday, March – 23, 2015 – Your High School Yearbook

Let’s start the week in the Way Back Machine.   I seem to be in the Way Back Machine a lot lately.  Must be caused by Face Book. But today we are going to talk about high school yearbooks, sometimes called annuals – not to be confused with the flowers that grow every year.

Do you still have your high school yearbook(s)?  Those of us who graduated from MHS  in the 50’s and 60’s have all endure the scorn and  laughter of showing our children and great children (grand children and great nieces/nephews)  and our friends our high school yearbooks.  “That’s the WHOLE school in that little skinny book?” as they ROLF.

Remember those Everything I Know I Learned in Kindergarten posters and books from the 1980’s? I could do something similar called Everything I Know About Being a Bureaucrat, I Learned in High School Yearbook.  Everyone reading this knows or should know that the best yearbook published by Taylor Publishing Company for Magnolia ISD, was mine – the 1967 Bulldog yearbook where I served as editor-in-chief.  A very close second is the 1966 Bulldog when I believe, the “Vivid and careless as the wind itself” Ms. Jenny Lee W was editor-in-chief and I was assistant business manager.  My sister’s Magnolia yearbook, when she was editor-in-chief is a very, very distant third for best Magnolia yearbooks ever.

I know that Mr. Howard Davenport was the photographer for the 1967 Bulldog, and I am pretty sure he was the photographer for the 1966 one.  I think the photographer for my sister’s yearbook was Matthew Brady.

Howard Davenport was a Magnolia Renaissance Man. He could do anything and was interested in most everything.  Mr. Davenport was the only one who could operate such a complex professional camera outfit.  And you knew NEVER to touch Mr. Davenport’s camera.  He also taught us to develop film and print pictures. One will have to Google to explain dark room processes in film development.

I still have flashbacks of being chewed out by Mr. Davenport for leaving his darkroom in a mess. Even though it wasn’t my doings, I was the editor, so I got chewed out.  Of course, being chewed out by Mr. Davenport was like being chewed out by my father.  Neither raised their voice and you felt horrible because you had disappointed them more than anything else.

I feel pretty sure that Howard Davenport had something to do with that dark room and those opportunities even being there. Besides Pearl Lee, who else in Magnolia, Texas knew how to do that level of photography? It was professional quality using professional equipment.

Let me offer some comparisons to being a bureaucrat and the tasks and skills involved in being a yearbook editor. As state bureaucrat for 25+ years many of my responsibilities included project management for required legislative reports regarding the public schools and their use of technologies. When the assignments would be handed down, I would go into “yearbook mode” because the process is the same.   The skills needed for yearbook are also needed for life.  Here are some examples, with some lessons learned from reports and documents written.

Planning – Like a yearbook every page had to be planned with division pages, graphics and layouts long before the first photographs were taken or first words were written.

Lesson Learned: Do not submit the last page until the last submission.  I submitted the last page of my yearbook with the next to the last submission.  As it turned out I could have added 10 more pages.

Deadlines – There are firm deadlines in every project.

Lesson Learned: You miss it and you’re screwed.

Budget – You must work with money and you must work within these set parameters.

Lesson Learned:  You do not get to set the amount of money or set the parameters.

Political – Does not matter if it was a small town yearbook, there were politics involved.  I do not recall any significant interaction with the assistant editor. This was due to the fact that I was scared her mother would beat me up, then beat up my mother and then beat up Mrs. Brown, yearbook sponsor,  possibly Mr. L. the HS Principal, and maybe Mr. Tergerson the superintendent.  Today’s these are called “educational lawsuits.”

Lesson Learned:  You can’t please everybody and you have to compromise.

Communication – You have to interact with people who are more powerful than you and you have to communicate things you wish you did not have to.  For example from yearbook – “Mr. L., we have to have Mr. Davenport take the FFA picture again because Michael S. is “making an ugly sign” with his hands.”  Really, did you think I would have gone into JL’s office and say “Michael S. is shooting the bird?”  He and I both would have fainted if I had said that.

Example from The Form Factory – “Dr. M., our division’s report is going to be late and we need an extension.  I understand it is The Graphics Department’s fault, but our responsibility.  What I really wanted to say “Betty W. is a freaking idiot!”

Lesson Learned:  Proof reading and photography examination skills are critical – You cannot write reports, letters, memos or any other document in the Texas PUBLIC school system without them. Spell check does not pick up on the word when the “L” is left out of the word public.

Process –It is a process that goes through defined stages. It will start with enthusiasm, stall, forcing a regroup, progress and move forward, then fall completely apart causing you to regroup again and then end somehow, hopefully the way you planned it to, on time and under budget.

Lesson Learned: If it doesn’t kill you, it will make you strong.

Powerful – being an editor of a yearbook is the most powerful position in high school. We, the editors, knowingly control your high school career to be displayed for future generations. Not all of those “bad” pictures used in the 1967 MHS yearbook are accidental.  How about yours Ms.Jenny Lee W?

Lesson Learned:  You must learn and develop all those other skills to achieve the needed confidence to complete an undertaking such as a yearbook or any other project in your life. Use your power and skills wisely.

In conclusion, I hope Jenny Lee W. and everybody else has made it this far. There were two photographs in her 1966 yearbook that influenced me throughout my life.  I always said if I ever see JLW again, I would complement her on them.

They are the two photographs of the yearbook staff at the end of the yearbook. On the LP (left page) for you non-yearbook speaking) is the BEFORE picture. The staff is perfectly posed and is smiling with eagerness and confidence.  The caption reads “It’s only the beginning.”

The AFTER picture on the RP of the book is the yearbook staff in a different pose.  The caption on this picture reads “Where’s Mrs. Brown?” The yearbook sponsor is not pictured and the staff looks as though we are angry, hitting each other with various objects, screaming, crying, and yelling at each other and more.  This is the best example I have ever seen of what a process looks like.

Ms. Jenny Lee W, please know that I used these two pictures for years to start and lead new projects  I would show my team the two photographs say “OK, team, this is what the “BEFORE the process starts” picture looks like. As we move along, there will be stages it will look like this AFTER picture and it may look like this at conclusion, but you must trust the process. Now let’s get busy.”

Oh yes, I do give you full credit, Ms. W.

So, if everything I know about bureaucracy I learned from yearbook, and if everything I know about yearbook, I learned from Ms. W, then the only reason my yearbook could have possibly been better than hers was if she taught me how to make it so.

OK – it’s a tie. The best two yearbooks ever to come out of MHS – the 1966 and 1967 Bulldogs. Looking for your high school yearbook now, aren’t you?

Friday, March 20, 2015 – Request for Proposals

As you read on Wednesday, there is a stain in my drive way.  Therefore, I decided to deal with by issuing a Request for Proposals (RFP). I hope all enjoy, but especially my recovering bureaucrat friends and those who are still playing the game..

Request for Proposals

(RFP) # 702-001-2015

Request for Proposals

Penis Shaped Stain Tactics or PSST

Background

Based on a home loan executed April 2014, I own a driveway that looks exactly like every other driveway on the street. In March 2015 a grease leak from a parked pick-up truck created a stain that resembles a penis. Therefore, the townhouse with the penis shaped stain (PSS) in the driveway is requesting proposals for the removal or modification tactics of said driveway stain.

Needs Assessment

There is a penis shaped stain in my driveway.  I need it removed.

3.16.2015 2015-03-19 003 (800x600)

Submissions

There are two submission categories. Category One is Removal.  Category Two is Modification. Applicants may submit one application per category. Applicants may not submit an application in each category.

Category One – Removal

Applicants may submit one application in the Removal Category. Applicants must include a research-based methodology for the removal of PSST.  Applicants must include a list of supplies needed section that may be submitted in list form. This list includes, but is not limited to:

  • Cat litter
  • Broom,
  • Dust pan,
  • Grease remover because the cat litter does not work
  • Soap
  • Water and
  • Bucket.

Applicants will receive additional points if their submission includes somebody to work with the supplies.

Category Two – Modification

Applicants may submit one application in the Modification Category. Applications must include a decorative and/or artistic design that creates a modification of the stain causing it not to look at is currently does.  All ideas submitted in this category must be suitable for posting on ETSY.

Examples suggested by The Department of Redundancy Department suggest the following are examples that include, but are not limited to the following:

  • Practical themes
  • Holiday themes
  • Sports themes.

Submitted designs may be a permanent and/or situationally interchangeable based upon current conditions. Designs may include a combination of permanent and situationally interchangeable designs. The following are examples.

Practical example

 

Artistic example

Sports example

Budget:

The money amount available for PSST is $10.00.  This amount can be expanded to $20.00 if a selected application contains some body to do the removal or modification.

Evaluation Criteria

Applicants’ submissions will be evaluated based on the following criteria:

Which suggestions can produce desired results quickly.

Which applications include somebody else to do the work.

Otherwise I am still going to be PSST.

Submission Process

All applicants can submit their applications via email, FB, Blog, Twitter, text, telephone, visit and/or something called a letter.

Thursday, March 19, 2015 – Here Come the Big Boys

Thursday, March 19, 2015 – Here Come the Big Boys

Today I will spend my afternoon watching very large and handsome young men dressed in uniforms of tank tops and long shorts run and bounce and then toss and catch a round ball. Then after several passes, one of the young men will attempt to throw it through a hoop.  Today the big boys (no pun intended) begin to play. The big schools with recognized names begin play.

I actually played girls’ basketball in high school.  Let me rephrase that – For two years I attempted to play girls’ basketball.  The few outstanding qualities I possessed at the time were: height at 5’ 8” and some small level of athletic (i.e. – eye hand coordination) ability.  However what little eye-hand coordination I possessed was compromised because I wore glasses.  Those beautiful, wing-tipped, cat-eyed monstrosities, if you recall.  I had to wear a mask to avoid breaking them.  This is a fundamental truth of basketball at any level – You cannot play basketball while wearing a catcher’s mask.   You cannot see anything except what is directly in front of you. The wearing of a mask is probably why I turned out to be a much better softball player than basketball player.  There is actually a position which requires you to wear a mask.  Unfortunately, MHS and every other high school in Texas did not have organized and sanctioned softball teams. But I have forty years of softball stories with trophies packed away somewhere to prove my participation.  And unlike most catchers, I still have my original working knees.   And in my mind and dreams, I can still throw out that runner going to second and I can still hold on to the ball as the runner slides into home plate causing me to go ass over head for OUT NUMBER THREE!

But that is in my mind and dreams.  Today I will be in my chair (IMC) watching a couple of teams from the men’s NCAA Bracket.  Tomorrow the women’s NCAA basketball tournament begins.   By tomorrow evening I will have carpel tunnel of the thumb from channel changing with the remote and my eyes will look like basketball balls.

But for today – Sic’ Em Bears! And because you are from the state of Texas, I wish the team from Austin good bounces also.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015 – No Golf Today

Wednesday, March 18, 2015 – No Golf Today

No golf today. As my dear HB used to say “there is always lots to be thankful for.”  I will be so thankful if the rains wash away the stain in my driveway.  See – my friend came to spend a few days with me over the weekend and something leaked from her truck which was parked in my driveway creating a grease stain.  Remember I live in a group of all look a-like town homes.

After she left I went outside to look at the stain hoping to see the face of Jesus or Mary or maybe even Reveille. Maybe even something prophetic such as “Texas Aggie Women Upset UConn to win the 2015 National Women’s Basketball Championship.  Or something even more profound “Texas Aggies Win Their First National Football Championship since 1939!” This way I could turn my town home into a shrine of some sort and charge admission for people to drive by and take photos, but I couldn’t see any faces, messages from the future or oily images suitable for Instagram.

So I will be so thankful if these rains wash away the stain.  Otherwise directions to my house will include, “Turn right and then my house is the one with the giant penis looking stain in the driveway. You can’t miss it.”

Oh yes – another thing to be thankful for – I did not put cat litter on the stain yesterday.  For that to work on grease stains it must be “the clumping kind.” Can you imagine if my driveway was filled with clumping cat litter and it rained causing it to all clump at the end of my driveway?

Wednesday, March 18, 2015 – A Delay

Wednesday, March 18, 2015 – A Delay

Today’s posting will be delayed due to golf. Unless of course it rains, then I will post my usual profound thoughts for the day.

But I did get my basketball brackets completed. I barely got my men’s bracket completed before it busted on the first game. I was really pulling for the Jaspers.

I did complete my women’s Division I basketball bracket. Note: this is the team that will win, not the team I want to win. Any other team on the chart is who I want to win.

W Bracket

Tuesday, March 17, 2015 – Erin Go Bragh

Tuesday, March 17, 2015 – Erin Go Bragh

Irish Power

Monday, March 16, 2015 – Got Your Men’s Bracket Completed?

Monday, March 16, 2015 – Got Your Men’s Bracket Completed?

Here are your teams for the 2015 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament and their school’s mascot. This is the Big Dance where if you can win your conference tournamanet you get to go the party with an automatic bid.  Everybody else gets the treasured invitation.  Draw a circle around every school you have never heard of before.  Then put a star by the teams with your favorite mascots.  Google to determine what exactly is a Jasper.

Complete your bracket and see how long your teams can continue to win.  Have fun and good luck.

Texas Southern Tigers

Hampton Pirates

Manhattan Jaspers

Lafayette Leopards

Robert Morris Colonials

Coast Carolina Chanticleers

North Dakota State Bison

North Florida Ospreys

UAB Blazers

Eastern Washington Eagles

UC Irvine Anteaters

Albany Great Danes

Northeastern Huskies

Wofford Terriers

Belmont Bruins

New Mexico State Aggies

Georgia State Panthers

Buffalo Bulls

Harvard Crimson

Valparaiso Crusaders

Stephen F. Austin Lumberjacks

UCLA Bruins

LSU Tigers

Ole Miss Rebels

Wyoming Cowboys

Texas Longhorns

Indiana Hoosiers

Oklahoma State Cowboys

NC State Wolfpack

Cincinnati Bearcats

St. John’s Red Storm

Boise State Broncos

Georgia Bulldogs

Purdue Boilermakers

Dayton Flyers

VCU Rams

Xavier Musketeers

BYU Cougars

Iowa Hawkeyes

Ohio State Buckeyes

San Diego Aztecs

Davidson Wildcats

Oregon Ducks

Michigan State Spartans

Providence Friars

Butler Bulldogs

SMU Mustangs

Georgetown Hoyas

Arkansas Razorbacks

West Virginia Mountaineers

North Carolina Tar Heels

Baylor Bears

Maryland Terrapins

Utah Utes

Wichita State Shockers

North Iowa Panthers

Oklahoma Sooners

Iowa State Cyclones

Notre Dame Fighting Irish

Louisville Cardinals

Kansas Jayhawks

Gonzaga Bulldogs

Villanova Wildcats

Arizona Wildcats

Wisconsin Badgers

Duke Blue Devils

Virginia Cavaliers

Kentucky Wildcats – just mark Big Blue as the Big Winner

==============

March 16 – RIP – Jay and Molly. We miss you both.