Monday, October 12, 2020 – My Monday After Saturday College Football Awards

Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire. From the college weekend football games that Defense forgot. It was upsets and near upsets.

First of all, what is with Ohio State, Penn State and Oregon being in the AP Top 10? You have not even played a down, let alone a game. You think you can run the 100-yard dash by starting at the 50-yard line? Big Assterick by your name.

Let’s begin with our first award, by giving The Decibel Level and Deception Award to Florida Head Coach Dan Mullins for complaining of the loud crowd noise and crowd size in Kyle Field. You think The 12^th Man is loud when the stadium is as ESPN reported 27,709 in attendance? That is not even Yell Practice attendance preCOVID. Rather use the crowd noise as your excuse, perhaps you should examine your defense.

Florida QB Kyle Trask receives the trophy with a long name for If You Are Named After Kyle Field, You Don’t Win In It Unless You Wear Maroon.

To the Florida team I am awarding The Beer Trophy because it was Spiller Time in Aggieland. Texas A&M 41 Florida 38.

LSU receives the Hurricane Delta Award for moving their game from the 2:30 afternoon slot in Baton Rouge to 11:00 in the morning in Missouri. The Tigers get A Great Goal Line Stand Award for holding on in the final seconds. That would be the Missouri Tigers. Missouri 45 and LSU 41.

Kentucky and Mississippi State – The Bulldogs receive the Yogi Berra Award for Deja Vue All Over Again. Mike, I told you the SEC is smarter, and the SEC knows your one play. Yes, even Kentucky. I am only an old while lady who has never coached, but I am thinking blaming your players for the loss is not positive.

The Ugly Uniform Award this week goes to TCU. Just because your mascot, a Horned Frog, is able to spurt blood from its eyes, it does not mean you should wear red on your uniform. Your colors are purple and white. I looked it up on your page. Besides, those uniforms looked as thought you borrowed them from SMU. K-State 21 and TCU 14. K-State is 3-0 in the Big 12.

The Heartbreak Hotel and Threaded Incline Plane Awards go to the Arkansas Razorbacks. Razorbacks 28 Auburn 30. It was a fumbled snap, not grounding in the final minute.

Alabama and Ole Miss – I am giving both teams the Michael Jackson Halloween Award because it was a Thriller. Both teams receive a Defense By-Pass Award because the defensive units on both teams by-passed the game allowing the offense to rake up a whopping SEC record score of 63 to 48 and 723 yards for Alabama and 647 for Ole Miss. And that was in regulation and more points and yards than some teams score in three consecutive games.

Both teams’ alum will send their Cussing Jar Money to their respective alma maters to ensure their defensive units take the bus to the next game. Any extra funds can be used for the purchase of new underwear.

Speaking of overtimes. It was THE University of Texas 45 and OU 53 in Four Overtimes. I award THE University of Texas and Oklahoma University The Ballerina Award because both of you now hold records of 2-2 as in tutu. When is the last time neither one of those schools was in the Top 25?

THE University of Texas receives the Maud Mullins Award from the poem of the same name by John Greenleaf Wittier.

“For of all sad words of tongue or pen,

The saddest are these: ‘It might have been!'”

And to TU Head Coach Tom Herman, I award a Gift Certificate to a Headhunter and Resume Service. Coach Herman? Have you thought about forming a band with a group of Hermits?

EARLY VOTING STARTS TOMORROW IN TEXAS. GET OUT AND VOTE!