Yearly Archives: 2010

WEEKEND UPDATE

Thong Cyclist

NEWS FLASH – a man wearing nothing but an iridescent thong and a smile has been seen riding a bicycle along Far West Blvd. in Northwest Austin. The ASUNHSOO was on lock down.  The principal, doing her civic and community-minded duty, waited an hour at the Starbucks anxiously looking out the window to see the cyclist. However, there was no sighting.  Those who reported seeing the cyclist state “he wears different colored thongs.” Other than that there appears to be very little physical description.

http://roadid.posterous.com/twitter-tuesday-best-photo-caption-of-this-au

Leave It to Beaver

On a sad note, Barbara Billingsly passed away. Our beloved June Cleaver. So let’s get our pearls, put on a dress, high heels and vacuum the floor while the cookies are baking.

http://mythbusters.tvsquad.com/2010/10/16/barbara-billingsley-leave-it-to-beaver-mom-dead-at-94/

Weekend update from the Glow Ball Golf Tournament

The ASUNHSOO golf team played in a glow ball golf tournament Saturday night. There were eight teams of four. The format was best ball. Each player in the foursome received three glow balls. These golf balls are transparent and have a one inch glow stick inserted. I am not certain why this is called glow ball.  A more fitting name would be “@#$%, it is DARK out here!”  While one could see the balls upon teeing off, after that it was pretty much get out the flashlights.

There was no depth perception so it was difficult to see how far to hit, what club to use, and how to use it. Hitting out of the grass is difficult enough, but to not be able to see the grass makes the shot almost impossible.  What was impossible was putting in the dark.  While the flag stick had a small glow stick and the hole itself had a very small glow bracelet, one putted blindly in the dark.  The rules stated that one could use their flashlight to find the ball, but upon finding it, the flashlight was to be turned off. I can’t putt in the daytime! Nevertheless, somehow my team made four pars. Yours truly placed closest to the pin on Hole 8 and won a lovely set of wine glasses. Overall, we placed fourth, missing third by a single stroke.

Last, but not least. Tomorrow,  October 19, the Request for Names (RFN) will be released. So put on your Thinking Cap. It is time to suggest names for the As Yet Unnamed Home School of One.

Happy Columbus Day

A day to celebrate the first immigrants to America.  Columbus was the quintessential bureaucrat and politician.  He did not know where he was going.  He did not know where he was when he got there and he did it all on borrowed money. Furthermore, he “ran off” the natives and took the land, all in the name of the government.

The ASUNHSOO is off today celebrating the day. However, this news release is just in.

NEWS RELEASE – October, XI, MMX

The State Board of Education mandated to textbook publishers that all science and math textbooks will now use Roman Numerals in stead of Arabic.

“…the use of Arabic numbers denote a positive attitude toward Islam,” said board member Iona Faith. “Because Arabs are Muslims, and Muslims practice Islam, and some radical Islamites are terrorists.  Therefore, we are protecting the boys and girls from terrorists.”

Rooty Toot Toot & Sons textbooks publishers asked “Wasn’t it the Romans who persecuted the Christians and actually tried and crucified Jesus?”

Ms. Faith answered, “Yes, but that is in the Bible, so it is acceptable.”

Textbook publisher, Brother-in-law & Kickback, stated “This comes as no surprise to our publishing organization.  The use of Roman numerals will compliment our chapter on turning lead into gold and our chapter on the sun orbiting the earth.”

Random Writings – Friday

Two assignments are due today.  One is the current event and the other is your science paper.

Let’s do the current event first.

Prompt: Tell about a current event in pop culture

Dancing With the Stars Update

• Hasselloff – off
• Michael – bolted
• Cho – go
• Palin – ailing (she finished in the bottom two behind Margaret Cho)

And now your science paper.

Cat Flat

I have a cat named Buddy.  His official name is Buddy T. Cat with the “T” standing for The.  Recently, Buddy became ill and had to have a visit from the mobile veterinarian and medicine to be given twice daily. This is what is wrong with the health care system.  Buddy’s home doctor visit for his health care was $500.  My long term care policy is $2000, but that is another story.

Shortly after his medicinal intake began I noticed a definite change. The medicine gives him gas.  First of all, I was not aware that cats perform this bodily function. Nevertheless feline flatulence exists. These are silent, eye-watering, gag-reflexing, room clearing, near deadly passages of gas.  There’s nothing like being riveted to a TV program and suddenly the room fills with odorous aromas potent enough to wake the dead. My favorite is the morning wake-up call.  His butt is usually pointed at my face. I awake to a foul smelling odor that is strong enough to rouse the dead, heal the sick and make the blind see. It is better than any alarm clock to get you out of bed.

If I could harness this gas, I am certain I could invent something that would be Nobel worthy.  But how does one capture and store feline farts? And what uses would there be for cat flatulence?  One current possibility could be for military use.  I guarantee a couple of tear gas canisters laced with feline farts will clear the caves of Al Qaeda if not the next village.

Perhaps I will do my science fair project on this topic.  Maybe Miss Lillian will judge.

Until then I will have to endure Fluffy the Farting Feline.

While I think Amazon.com is one of the greatest things to come along since Velcro it does freak me out when they project my interests.  I received this email the other day.

Dear Amazon.com Customer,

We’ve noticed that customers who have purchased or rated The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas have also purchased Big Pun: The Legacy on DVD. For this reason, you might like to know that Big Pun: The Legacy will be released on September 28, 2010.  You can pre-order yours by following the link below.

Big Pun: The Legacy chronicles the life of the Grammy Nominated artist Big Pun aka Christopher Rios, a Puerto Rican from the Bronx who made history by becoming the first Latino rapper to sell over a million records. Final footage of Big Pun one day before his death. Includes never before heard Big Pun track.

Explain to me this. What exactly is the comparative aspect of these two DVDs? I do not recall Burt Reynolds or Dolly Parton rapping in Puerto Rican in the Best Little Whorehouse movie. I also missed Houston’s Channel 13, KTRK’s,  the late Marvin Zindler rapping as he broke the news that Texas had a whorehouse in it referring of course to the actual chicken ranch in LaGrange. This gave rise to one of many great lines from BLW “… and that came as news to any child under the age of two and anybody who lived in Texas for less than two weeks.”

Maybe the Ladies of LaGrange were similar to the Ladies of the Bronx. Maybe Miss Mona moved to the Bronx and became an inspiration for Big Pun. Anyway Amazon seemed to find some comparison.  However, I will not be ordering Big Pun.

Nothing Comes Between Me & My Calvins

Remember the 1980’s Calvin Klein jean commercial with a 15 year old Brooke Sheilds provocatively purring about nothing coming between her and her Calvins?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YK2VZgJ4AoM

Recently on the Ellen DeGeneres show, Brooke declared she could still fit into that size jean.  At 45 she can still fit into the same size jeans she wore at age 15.

http://www.stylelist.com/2010/09/22/brooke-shields-ellen-calvin-klein-jeans-ad/

Guess what Brooke and Calvin?  So can I at age 61. I wear the same size blue jeans I wore in high school and college(s). So “nothing comes between me and my Wranglers.” Except Hanes underwear.

Lights Out

“Turn Out the lights; the party’s over. They say that all, good things must end.” I used to love to hear Dandy Don Meridith sing that on Monday Night Football. It signaled the end of the game whether the game was officially over or not.  Now the lyrics literally signal the end of an era.

GE’s Winchester, Virginia’s incandescent light bulb factory is closing.  It began making Thomas Edison’s new invention in the late 1800’s shortly after the glowing bulb was introduced. At one time the factor produced over three billion bulbs a year. Now we must use those more expensive, difficult to dispose of, energy-efficient curly light bulbs.

http://www.myfoxdc.com/dpp/money/lights-out-for-ge-light-bulb-factory-in-winchester-092410

Once again, American jobs shipped overseas and south of the Rio Grande. The articles states you can get a three-way bulb in Mexico.  I am thinking you can get any kind of three-way you want in Mexico.

So the incandescent light bulb goes the way of the VCR, film cameras and Democrats in Texas.

How do you say “Turn the light on,” in Chinese?

Will the grief counselors for the Aggie fans from last Thursday please report to Austin? The University of Texas football team dropped out of the  AP Top 25 football teams for the first time in ten years, has recorded two consecutive losses for the first time in Mack Brown history, and must travel to Lincoln to meet the Nebraska Cornhuskers in two weeks.

Counselors, plan to stay the remainder of the football season.