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Wednesday, May 27, 2015 – The Day Before From 2005

 Madam Rose’s Handy Dandy Directions and Suggestions for Your Colonoscopy

One to Two Days Before the Actual Procedure

Step 1

Clean your house.  Actually, this step is optional.  But if you are about to clean your colon, why not go ahead and clean your house?  Remember some one must transport you and will see your house when he or she arrives to pick you up. The friend whose is required to take you doesn’t really care about your house. He or she is responsible for getting your ass to and from the procedure. But should something unfortunately go amiss, people can say, “But wasn’t she a good housekeeper?”

Step 1A

If you choose not to clean the entire house, at least clean the bathroom. The colonoscopy instructions from the doctor’s office state:

“Stay close to the bathroom. Tell family members the bathroom is yours.”

What this means is stay IN the bathroom. You do not have to tell family members anything. They have probably chosen to sleep over at neighbors or check into a nearby hotel because of the sounds emerging from the bathroom.

Step 2

Once the house is clean, it is time to purchase your colon cleaning supplies. These supplies are divided into two categories – 1. Food and 2. Industrial Waste.

Part One – Food – Go to grocery store and purchase the following items:

• Chicken breasts
• Chicken broth
• Chicken bullion
• A case of bottled water. Note: Tap water may be substituted, but remember the goal is to cleanse the colon.
• Green tea. Since I think green tea tastes like what is supposed to be coming out of the colon, I prefer flavored green teas. I like the little packets of tea that can be mixed with water. Buy at least enough for half of the case of water.
• Popsicles *
• Jell-O*
• Two twelve packs of 8 oz. bottles of Gatorade*
• One 64 oz bottle of Gatorade.* Ask the clerk to assist you in getting it off the shelf should you not be able to lift and risk a hernia.

I prefer Gatorade. I have difficulty in purchasing a product with the term Propel in it when I am preparing for my colon cleansing.

*You cannot have colors that are blue, red or purple. So that pretty much leaves yellow or if you are fortunate to find green.

• Aloe baby wipes or Desiden ointment. If this is not your first colonoscopy rodeo, you know what this is for. If it is your first, you will figure the reason for this purchase quickly. Chapstick may be used. However, this is not recommended as one is apt to confuse which tube is for which orifice.
• Straws. See Industrial Waste for straw instructions.
• Magazines, if desired. I prefer books.
• Toilet Paper. Even if you purchased a double roll – 32 pack yesterday, buy more. This is definitely not the time to run out of toilet paper. You might want to splurge for that super-soft, aloe brand.

Part Two – Industrial Waste Purchase.

The substances are available over the counter and may be purchased at the grocery story. I prefer to go to the pharmacy. Whichever location selected, purchase the following items:

• Dulolax Tablets. You only need four, but the smallest number for purchase is 25 tablets.
• Components for Industrial Waste
  • Magnesium citrate works by attracting water through the tissues by a process known as osmosis. Once in the intestine, it can attract enough water into the intestine to induce defecation. The additional water also helps to create more feces, which naturally stimulates bowel motility. One definitely wants to ensure bowel motility.10 oz bottle of Magnesium Citrate – See color instructions above. Try to purchase a brand that advertises Pasteurized; Sparkling Saline Laxative. I like the sparkling part.
  • 386g of Miralax. This is Polyethylene Glycol 3350 and Powder for Solution laxative.

It obviously improves your golf game too.

While at the pharmacy, purchase some fun items for the person hauling your ass to do while you are having the butt light. This person’s title is Ass Hauler. I suggest selecting these prior to selecting the Industrial Waste components.  This way you can hide the five pounds of laxatives in your basket under the fun items.

Fun items are dependent on the season, level of relationship, personal preferences and other factors.  Since Easter is the next celebration my fun items consist of: huge rabbit sunglasses should my Ass Hauler choose not to be recognized; a word search book; a cheap, fun, but boring toy; a package of gum; and a Starbucks card since there is one next door.

I also included a package of a dozen yellow peeps – those sticky sugar rabbit/chicken confections. These are multi-purpose amusement items. They are fun to put in the microwave. They can be left out over night and hardened for projectiles. One can make Peep Villages. Include a shoe box and the person can make a Peep diorama. And if extremely hungry, the Peeps can be eaten.

Also include a small notebook and writing implement.  This individual serves as your personal amanuensis. He or she is to write down what the doctor says.  You are unable to do this since you are given drugs that cause a severe episode of CRS – Can’t Remember Shit. This notes a certain irony given the procedure in question.

Step 3

1. Upon returning home, cook the chicken by boiling it in water to create a broth. When cooked, remove the chicken but save the broth. Put the chicken in the fridge. To the chicken water add a couple of bouillon cubes pour in some chicken broth and throw in some seasonings. Heat the liquid; let it cool and store in refrigerator. On the day of the cleansing, you can drink the broth. Upon arrival back home after the procedure, add the chicken, some rice or noodles and eat.
2. Refrigerate your liquids and popsicles.
3. Fix the Jell-O according to instructions.

Notice the items in this photo.

One should maintain a clear, semi-liquid diet prior to the cleansing.  Beef is not recommended due to clogging of the colon. Do not eat sausage. It is just morally wrong to eat the intestines of lower life forms while you are about to clean yours.

 One Day Prior to the Procedure

In the morning, chill the 10 oz bottle of Magnesium Citrate As shown in this photo, a certain level of ambience is achieved and pleasant décor is presented.

Mix the 64 oz. bottle of Gatorade with the Miralax.  Stir well. Chill. Yes, you are going to drink all of this.

One Hour Prior to Preparation

• If your house is wireless, move your laptop to the bathroom. Searching the internet provides you something to do while you are in the bathroom. You can also email your friends of your progress. It is not recommended that you move your desktop computer to the bathroom.
• Get your IPOD or other portable music device.
• Get a book, magazine or other reading material.
• Ensure baby wipes are near by.
• Ensure toilet paper is close by.
• Put on sweats or other pants that do not require belts, buttons or zippers.
• Print out these instructions to include with the fun items for your Ass Hauler.

At the appointed hour, begin. Follow the doctor’s instructions.

• Take the tablets.
• Drink the Magnesium Citrate.
• Drink Gatorade/Miralax. This is where the straw comes in.  Some say drinking through a straw helps. I prefer non-bendable straws. This keeps the Industrial Waste moving.  I do not want to slow down the sludge by having to force it to make a right angle turn in the straw.
• Move to bathroom for remainder of the evening with brief trips to get drinks.
• Keep drinking all the liquids, including chicken broth, popsicles and Jell-O.

The Day of the Procedure

Don’t forget the fun items when your Ass Hauler picks you up.

With your colon now pristine clean, lay back and enjoy.  The worst part is over. Drugs are soon to be administered. You won’t feel or remember a thing. That is why you have someone to haul your ass back home and tell you what you did and said.

In all seriousness, as you spend a seemingly eternity allowing the 74 oz of laxatives to pulsate through your intestinal tract and out, think of the alternative. Colon cancer. Colon cancer is preventable. Get a colonoscopy performed.