Thursday, May 27, 2015 – Madam Rose’s Handy Dandy Redux Reflux Colonoscopy Guide – Update 2015

This is an update to Madam Rose’s Handy Dandy Colonoscopy Guide from 2005. Here are a few things I learned from the last one.

I found that adding a theme adds to the ambiance associated with your preparations. I chose a green theme this year.

Due to the fact that I have really cool master bath I turned it into my colonoscopy studio and decorated it appropriately for the occasion.

I am so wishing to be on the beach with a cheeseburger in paradise. I packed an ice chest to minimize the steps to the refrigerator. I will pretend it is filled with margaritas.

Note: Ms. Rolene – my favorite beach towel I bought to remind me of you.

Pretending you are in a play, TV show or movie scene is optional. I pretended I was in a scene in one of those drug trials prior to FDA approval. I received the test pill that one day will become the warning “Side effects include diarrhea, etc.” Of course Merle Streep would play the part since she can play every part imagined. Maybe Sandra Bullock. I always want her to play me in the movie about me.

I noticed some differences between colonoscopy prep then and colonoscopy prep now.

Then – one had to take their laptop to the bathroom. Now – Take your tablet or smart phone. You can text your friends of your progress and tweet it to all of your followers – with photos if you desire.

Industrial waste supplies are significantly reduced. Then: 10 oz. bottle of Magnesium Citrate Now: None

Then: 386g of Miramax. Now: 238g of Miramax. All total you drink 48 ounces of industrial waste rather than 72 ounces.

Other than those items the rest of the instructions are the same. Make some chicken and broth and drink industrial waste and colon cleaning liquids until there is the all clear signal. I decided to go with PowerAde as my sports drink of choice. I thought the name sounded more appropriate and optimistic than Gatorade.

I made some changes in the Ass Hauler goodie bag. I really think colonoscopy goodie bags could be on Shark Tank. I was unable to find a suitable, yet festive gift bag saying “Thank you for taking me for taking me to my colonoscopy.” The best I came up with was this one with Cars with the hidden surprised with decoder helmet.

I thought my Ass Hauler could look for things while the doctors are doing the same. New contents include some pages shared from my adult coloring book and a new box of Crayolas with two tiers of colors. You know adult coloring books are all the rage.

I suggest deleting the small notebook and writing implement. Last time the Ass Hauler wrote down everything I said while I was not remembering. The Ass Hauler can use his or her smartphone to capture your recovery and post it to social media before you arrive back home.

This is all l I want to know and hear and I can remember it – “All clear.”

Today is National Hamburger Day and I want one NOW. “I like mine with lettuce and tomatoes; Heinz 57 and French fried potatoes; big Kosher pickle and a cold draft beer; good God a mighty which way do I steer. (Jimmy Buffet-Cheeseburger in Paradise)