Monday, November 9, 2015 – The Monday after Saturday College Football Awards Program.
Our awards program today is brought to you by the word “atrabilious.” It is an adjective meaning gloomy, morose, melancholy, or morbid. It also describes football fans from LSU, TCU, FSU and all of the other U’s who went tumbling down the polls like a West Texas tumbleweed.
Today we add a new sponsor – The scholarship committee from West Point is proud to sponsor the Close, but No Cigar trophy.
But before we get our ado furthered, I must make these two posts to Craig’s List.
- FOR SALE: Offensive Coordinator. Contact Texas A&M Football Department for further details.
- WANTED: Quarterback. Apply at Texas A&M Football Department. Walk-ons Welcomed. Preference given to those who can leap tall buildings in a single bound.
The Petula Clark Award for going Downtown in the polls is shared by the following previously undefeated teams:
Old Miss 52 – Arkansas 53 in OT
TCU 29 – Oklahoma State University – 49
Michigan State 38 – Nebraska 39
Memphis 20 – Navy 45
Florida State 13 – Clemson 23
LSU 16 – Alabama 30
The Hoover Vacuum Cleaner Award goes to Texas A&M because Auburn cleaned the Aggies clocks while the Aggies sucked on offensive and defense.
The Award for Scariest Reprisal of a Halloween Costume goes to Mad Max Muschamp and the Auburn defense. I told you they would be pissed off.
To Vanderbilt I award the Commodores the trophy for Close, but No Cigar for losing to Florida 7 to 9. So Vandy, go back to the library, Anchor down and we’ll see you in the spring for baseball. To Florida, congratulations on winning the SEC East. You still suck.
The Orange Crush Soda Award goes to THE University of Texas for crushing Kansas 59 – 20. I know it was Kansas that could be defeated by most Division II football programs, but it is good to score lots of points and build confidence.
The Award for the Cutest Coaches in the Big 12 Conference goes to Kliff Kingsbury of Texas Tech and Dana Holgorsen of West Virginia. Note: this is like a Certificate of Participation Award.
The Please Get Rid of These TV Announcers Award goes to Brent Mushmouth and Jesse Palmer on the SECN and Vern Lunquist and whatever Chatty Cathy’s real name is that works with Vern. Note to CBS: Now would be a good time to release Vern from his contract – just in time for the holidays. He could get a job as Santa. No make-up or padding required.
The Most Points Scored Award this week goes to Oklahoma for defeating Iowa State 52 – 16. Watch out Baylor, the Baker Boy’s Team will be in Waco Sooner than you think. Coming soon – ESPN Game Day at McLane Stadium next Saturday in Waco with the game at 7:00 on ABC… Somebody is going home disappointed and feeling atrabilious.”
To the Frogs of TCU on behalf of the Oklahoma State Cowboys, I award the Roy Rogers, King of the Cowboys, Happy Trails to You Trophy for sending TCU down the polls like a Frog caught up in tumbling tumble weed.
The Up There with The Band Award goes to Henry and the Arkansas Razorbacks for The Lateral. It is a must see, jaw dropping highlight. In overtime, with Mississippi leading by a touchdown, the Arkansas player, Henry, (this is his last name) is about to step out bounds on 4th Down – short of the first. He blindly throws the ball backwards over his shoulder. It is picked up by Arkansas and the player runs for a First Down. Arkansas scores a touchdown, then goes for the two-point conversion, makes it and game over. Arkansas wins 53 – 52 throwing the SEC West into chaos. Sooey Pigs!
The Life of Pi Award goes to Alabama. In this version, the Rolling Tide sweeps the Tiger overboard and the boat floats away. We all know cats do not like to get their paws wet. This was obviously displayed by the Tigers inability to run on the wet field. That and an Alabama defense that drowned the Purple and Gold to put the Tigers back in the cage.
Once again Notre Dame and the Creepy Leperachauns (sic) get The Conspiracy Award. ND – 43- Pitt -30. Mr. RL and I are convinced that during The Pope’s recent visit to the United States, he secretly met with The National Selection Committee. Behind closed doors, he was ensured by The Committee that the Irish of Notre Dame would be ranked higher than the Baptists of Baylor.
However, the Chair of The Selection Committee, Larry Culpepper and the Vice-Chair of the committee, The Cheese Round were unsuccessful in persuading The Pontiff to replace The Host at mass with Dr. Pepper and Cheese Its.