Monthly Archives: December 2014

Thursday, December 4, 2014 – “You Ever Been to College Station?”

Amazing how a “lucrative offer” makes College Station look a bit more pleasing, doesn’t it?  Talk about cosmic karma. After Will Muschamp ripped the city of College Station and the Aggies for the move to the SEC, could it be that he could actually become the defensive coordinator and live here? Well, he has an equally lucrative offer from Auburn and some NFL offers.  Frankly, I do not care if A&M hires Bullwinkle the Moose, as long as he can produce a defense capable of stopping opponents. I am putting my “lucrative offer” bet of $5.00 and a cold beer that he goes to Auburn or any place, but College Station.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014 – The Case of the Missing Brains

Did you read the headline that “THE University of Texas lost over 100 brains?” Did it have to close its doors as a result?  It seems the brains in this collection were received in the 1980’s, and were preserved in jars filled with formaldehyde.  All Baby Boomers remember the smell of formaldehyde from biology class in high school.

It turns out the brains were destroyed back in 2002 according to protocols concerning biological waste because they were not suitable for research or teaching. That means rotten. But we all know where the brains really went. They are in a laboratory, in a castle, somewhere deep in Transylvania. Where wolf? There wolf!

“What was the name on the brain in this jar?”

“I don’t know. Abby something”

“You don’t know?”

“Abnormal, I think.”

Tuesday, December 2, 2014 – Education Strikes Again

After I returned from Alaska, I started reading James Michener’s book Alaska. One should read one of Michener’s works in their lifetime.  Of course it takes a lifetime to read one of his works because they are almost 1000 pages long.  Alaska will be my second Michener book. I somehow made it through Texas twenty years ago.

His books always begin in geologic time when the earth was forming. In the first 10 pages the land masses on the earth are still connected and that was about a billion years ago. I am up to 20 pages now and the Pangaea is beginning to happen. The continental techtonic plates are beginning to move and have moved roughly two inches. This is roughly a billion years ago, give or take a few million. I will keep you informed of my progress. Are there any questions?

No Pangaea is not the name of the restaurant. That is Panera Bread. Pangaea is a geologic term referring to the separation of the land masses and the eventual formation of the continents as they are today.

Now we will have the same content presented from a lesson plan designed by Texas State Board of Education from their newly adopted textbooks.

In the beginning, there is no Pangaea. God CREATED the continents to look just the way to do now. About 10,000 years ago, when Adam and Eve wore clothing from Dillard’s to cover being nude which leads to sex, and just before the extinction of the dinosaurs, Moses consulted with the Founding Fathers of the United States. Note: Moses only consulted in the red states and not blue ones.

I must go try to get to page 30.  Perhaps a few more million geologic years will pass.  Or in SBOE time – never happened.

Monday, December 1, 2014 – The List Grows Shorter and The Committee Grows Stronger – Week 14

It was Rivalry Weekend or as I said anything can happen and it did.  The remaining games are fewer and The Committee’s decisions become stronger.  As the advertising asks “Who’s In?” officially, one must wait until next week for the rankings of The Committee, but it is looking as though TCU could become the school of religion in The Big Four.  Apparently, for Baylor, walking on a soggy, wet, rain soaked field is not the same as walking on water.

Who or what does Brent Mushbagger know? Does he have video on ESPN executives? Why is he still talking?  At least the equally obnoxious Jesse Palmer is better to look at and actually has proof of an athletic collegiate experience.  I understand Brent got to call The Iron Bowl game on ESPN between Auburn and Alabama as long as he promised not to make oogling, disparaging remarks about the Alabama quarterback’s fiancée like he did last year.

But it is Monday and that means my college football awards.  This was intrastate rivalry, bring the recruits and impress The Committee weekend.

WHEN I SAY “ALA”, THEN YOU SAY “BAMA”. And the Tide is rolling. The Crimson Tide wins The Playing Well is the Best Revenge Award. Did you see that little bit of time prior to half time when Auburn almost came back and was actually leading at one point? That was when the Alabama water boys and girls were playing while the team rested a few minutes.  Could it be that that the National Championship trophy is headed to a Wal-Mart near Tuscaloosa soon?

Somebody sent me a text and asked why I do not write more about Ohio State. Well, there. I just did. Really, though, what team’s mascot is a tree or the fruit from the Buckeye tree? And what are those little stickers on the helmets? Buckeye seeds? But for the texter, OSU gets the first two awards.

The Really Uncomfortably Tight Spandex Award goes to The Ohio State for not really looking good. I am sorry your quarter broke his ankle, but it does become a factor for The Committee to consider.

The Ohio University also receives The Dot in Ohio Award for recovering a fumble with 3:15 left in the game to go ahead and win by 21, making the game appear to be a run away, when it really wasn’t. Excuse me, didn’t you win this last week too where you had to come from behind? Hear that Committee?

The Eye of the Tiger Award goes to Missouri. How much does a pig weigh at two or three months? Show Me! About 25 # or about what a Missouri tiger eats per day.  But next year Arkansas will not be a pig.  It will be that fully, grown giant, Razorback Hog and will need to be reckoned with.

The William Tecumseh Sherman Award goes to the Rambling Wrecks from Georgia Tech while they were Marching Through Georgia and winning in OT.

The Really Uncomfortably Tight, This is Getting Ridiculous Award goes to Florida State for one “ mo” time winning in the fourth quarter during the final minutes of play, and not looking like a team in The Big Four. Let’s go Georgia Tech! You have the first opportunity to really mess up things by winning against FSU next week.

The You Almost Had Em Swan Song Award goes to Uncle Will and the Florida Gators. What? Muschamp at Texas A&M as Defensive Coordinator? Surely, you jest. He would have to do as many mea culpas as Pope Francis to apologize for comments made against the Aggies and almost any team he has come in contact with. Take it on out to Lubbock, Will. They can’t hear you yell as loud on the prairie. And take some fashion sense with you.

There is the Hottie Toddy Touchdown Award for the 91 yard touchdown run against Mississippi State (one of many touchdowns) giving The Egg Bowl Trophy to Ole Miss and sending the Mississippi State Bulldogs sliding out of the top.

The Humpty Dumpty Award goes to Mississippi State as all the kings’ horses and all the kings’ men couldn’t put the Heisman for Prescott together again.

From the West Coast, we have two games of slight importance, but possible great significance.

Between the Arizona Sun Devils and the Arizona Wildcats, the Wildcats take home whatever their state rivalry trophy is called, but the Wildcats of Arizona will have the second opportunity to really mess things up with a win over Oregon next week.

Between The Cardinal and the Bruin, (Stanford and UCLA) they both win, The But We are Still Smarter Than Your School Award, but with Stanford winning the football game.

And, lastly, to the Baylor Bears you get your name placed with all of the others on the giant This is Why We Hate Texas Tech Trophy. You can add your name to all the rest of the teams who have been down three touchdowns, or more going into the fourth quarter, only to lose, or almost lose, in the closing seconds of the game with long pass receptions. Kingsbury football at its finest. I feel certain Baylor is wishing and hoping and singing and praying and anything else for victories by Arizona and Georgia Tech next Friday and Saturday.