Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Every Christmas my nephew in law gets a CD of Lee Roy Mercer. He is a comedian who is always dissatisfied with a service, and makes prank calls to the business and proceeds to threaten to come down and whip somebody’s ass. We listen to this while opening presents Christmas morning. Granted it is a strange Christmas tradition, but I have grown to like the guy and his style of humor. This morning would have been a perfect morning and my conversation, ala Lee Roy Mercer, would have gone like this (with all due respect and non-violation of any infringement stuff):
Briarcrest Country Club (BCC): Hello, Briarcrest Golf Shop.
Me: Is this the Briarcrest Golf shop?
Me: I want to talk to the person in charge.
BCC: I am in charge. How can I help you?
Me: I am fixing to come down there and whip your ass. I am not a happy golfer.
BCC: What’s wrong?
Me: I joined last month, which was a nightmare to do, and now I cannot get a tee time online and I am gonna come down there and whip somebody’s ass and find out why not.
BCC: Well, our accountant is learning the new software and she is having to reenter…
Me: Well, I will whip her ass too. Is she a big girl? How big are you? You one of them fat John Daley kinda golfers or one those skinny Rory Mcilroy types? I bet I can whip both your asses. How fast a runner are you?
BCC: We are switching accounting software programs and upgrading the system to…
Me: I don’t want to play golf with accounting software and the system is broken; I want to get a tee time and I want to play golf on your golf course and I am having trouble doing it. Now are you gonna fix it or am I going have to come down there and whip your ass? I will give you a Big Bertha Driver ass whipping, you hear?
BCC: I see. Well, this new software…
Me: Once again, I do not care about the accountant or software. I just want it fixed and I don’t want to have to come over there to get a tee time. I want it fixed or I am gonna come down there, over to your clubhouse and whip your ass. You ever had a box of Titleist Whip Ass thrown at you?
BCC: No ma’am.
Me: Well I can come down there and throw one on you. Now are you getta this fixed or am I gonna have to get in my car and come down there and whip your ass with a putter?
BCC: What time would you like to play tomorrow?
Me: 8:00 AM
BCC: That time is yours.
Me: Thank you for the bag of tees. Good bye now. If you are here tomorrow at 8:00 am I am gonna whip your ass before I tee off.